This Might Sound Silly But... (It Doesn't)

You've said it this week. Maybe more than once. That little phrase that sneaks in before you share an idea, a dream, or even just a feeling. This might sound silly. I know it's probably not realistic. I could never do something like that, but. In this episode, Rachel names the pattern that is quietly costing midlife women more than they realize and why it has nothing to do with humility and everything to do with armor.

In this episode:

• The many forms self-dismissal takes and why you probably don't even notice when you're doing it
• Why "this might sound silly" is not humility. It's armor.
• The preemptive self-dismissal pattern and where it actually comes from
• How decades of caretaking, people pleasing and good girl conditioning trained you to shrink
• Why you're not just dismissing yourself... you're training the people around you to dismiss you too.
• The dream disclaimer and why it's the most heartbreaking form of self-dismissal
• Why "maybe one day" is where dreams go to slowly die
• The one thing Rachel wants you to do this week (it's simpler than you think)
• A sneak peek at next week's episode about something you never actually lost

Links & Resources:

• Free Not Done Yet Reset → rachelaperry.com/notdoneyet
• Follow Rachel on Instagram and TikTok → @rachelaperry

Loved this episode? Share it with the midlife friend who starts every sentence with "this might sound silly." She needs to hear this one.

Transcript

Welcome To Not Done Yet

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to Not Done Yet, the podcast for midlife women who know deep down their story isn't finished. I'm your host, Rachel Perry, and here we're gonna talk about what's really happening in this season of life: the identity shifts, the quiet questions, the courage it takes to listen to yourself again, what it actually looks like to step into what's next, and why our boobs are hitting our knees. If you've ever looked at your life and thought, wait, is this it, girl, you're in the right place. Because midlife isn't the end of your story, it's the moment you start paying attention to it. So take a breath and let's talk about what's really going on and what you want to do with it. Because, sister, you are not done yet. Hello, friends, welcome back to another episode of Not Done Yet. How are you? How has your week been? Okay, listen up. I had an issue this week, and I think we need to talk about it. So, you know when you wear a bra that's like not a t-shirt bra, and so you may nip out, right? Yeah. Um, that happened to me this week. I nipped out and I was like, okay, this I can't wear this. And it's not because I was nipping out, y'all. It's because I was nipping out, and my nipples were no longer in the middle of my boobs. They were almost under my boobs. Yeah. And one they weren't even. One was like a little higher than the other, and it wasn't a good look. It was not a good look. They don't tell us about this, y'all. They don't tell us this is happening. They don't tell us that when we nip out, our nipples are gonna be below our boobs, sorry, under our boobs. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, am I alone in this? Or has this happened to you? Please tell me. Please tell me that I'm not the only one who has nipples that are underneath her boobs. Oh, it's so funny. No, I do have some bazookas. I do have some bazookas, so that might make a difference. They are long bazookas, you know what I'm saying? They be long. And those nipples, girl, they have they're in their own, their own time zone. I'm just saying. Okay. I am just saying, but we're not gonna be talking about my nipples today or yours. We're gonna talk about you. We are talking about you, and we're gonna talk about something that I guarantee you have said to yourself this week, probably more than once. And I'm guessing you may not have even noticed when you said it. So here's here's what I want you to do. I want you to think back over the last few days, maybe conversations you have with a friend or your partner or a co-worker, or maybe just thoughts that you've had in your own head that you almost let yourself have and then you immediately shut it down. So let me give you an example. They may be thoughts like, that's dumb. What are you thinking? Girl, you should just be grateful for what you have. These are all different thoughts. This is not just one long conversation you're having with yourself. Or maybe you think, like, oh, it's probably nothing, but or I don't want to complain, or I could never do something like that. But I do wonder if. Or maybe you think that's kind of a dumb idea, but or or maybe it's something like, I wish I could do that, or is this it, or whatever it is. Okay, and maybe those aren't the exact words that you've had, but I do, I would be willing to bet that you've had some sort of self-dismissal this week. And here's what I want to talk to you about today. Those words, that phrase in all its many forms. It's not just like a verbal tick. It's not just you being polite or humble or self-aware, like, oh my goodness, I couldn't, but I couldn't, right? Um, it's a pattern, a deeply ingrained decades in the making pattern that is quietly costing you more than you realize. And today we're gonna talk about it because you can't stop something you don't see. I was just talking to this, I was just talking about this in my group coaching group. In my group coaching group. I'm here all night, folks. I'm here all night. You see, this is proof that anyone can be a podcaster. But we were talking about self-sabotage in my group coaching program. And we tend to do things like this to ourselves all the time. Maybe you thought of an idea of something you might like to do in midlife, and then you shut it down, like this is silly. What am I thinking? I should be grateful for what I have, or maybe you don't even want to think about it and you just shut it down. But here's here's what I want you to hear. What's actually happening when you dismiss yourself, when you shut down an idea, or when you decide you couldn't do it, or when you're talking to someone about it and you just immediately dismiss yourself. Like, oh my gosh, that's so dumb. I shouldn't even know that's so dumb. What am I even thinking? You know, like it's it's going back to I used to, when I was in my teens and even early 20s, I would almost point out the things that were negative about my appearance because I thought if I pointed them out, then nobody else would. Right. Like I just, it was almost like my way of being like, I just want you to know that I recognize that this is dumb. Like I recognize that this is a dumb idea, or I recognize that I look fat today. But nobody was thinking that. I was thinking that, and I was then putting the thoughts into their heads. So we sometimes do this to ourselves, this preemptive self-dismissal. Like, let me just dismiss myself so that you can't dismiss me. Okay. I want you to know that I think this is a really dumb idea. But I just want you to know that, right? It's almost like we're apologizing for our own thoughts before anyone else has a chance to respond to them. You're shrinking yourself down before the room can do it for you. And I know this sounds harsh, okay. I know it doesn't feel that way when you're doing it. It feels like humility, right? Like self-deprecation. Y'all, I grew up with a British parents. Okay. Self-deprecation is an innate part of my life and my personality. I'm British. Did you know that? Mm-hmm. But when we do that to ourselves, it feels like you're being reasonable, like you're being realistic, like you're not getting too big for your britches, you know, which is, by the way, um a phrase that I heard a lot when we moved here to the US. I'm like, what does that even mean? What are britches? Right? No. But it is an absolutely a thing that people say. And it's it's true, right? Sometimes we are so afraid that we are going to think people are gonna think that we think too full of ourselves, right? But here's the truth, my friend. It's not humility, it's not humility, it's not you being humble, it's armor. And when you dismiss yourself first, the idea that nobody else's dismissal can land as hard is just not true, right? If you put the disclaimer on your own dream before anyone else can say anything about it, you've already controlled the narrative. You've already protected yourself. And the problem is you're protecting yourself from something that might never have happened. And in the process, you're doing the very thing you were afraid someone else would do. You are dismissing yourself. Now, I I want to talk a little bit about all the ways this shows up. Because I think we often hear things like that might sound silly and think, oh, I don't really say that. Like all the things that I just shared, you might think, oh, I don't say those things. But friend, it comes in so many different forms, right? This is probably a stupid question, but this might sound dumb, but or maybe you say it after you've said something. There's also the gratitude deflection, y'all. We know this. Like, I should be so grateful. I shouldn't be thinking this. I need to be grateful. I have so many, I have so many blessings in my life. So I feel bad for even saying this. No, I'm sorry, but we need to stop this because this is a preemptive way of defending ourselves against a guilt that we haven't even been accused of yet. The only person who's accused us of it is us. There's you have the comparison minimizer too, right? I mean, it's not, I'm I could never do what so-and-so does. Or I mean, it's not like what so-and-so went through, which takes your real experience and immediately measures it against someone else's to make sure that it's small enough to be acceptable. Then you have the dream disclaimer, right? Like I've had this idea, or I thought about doing something like that, but I know it's probably not realistic, right? Something along those lines, which is really where it starts to cost you something. Because you're not just apologizing for a feeling anymore, you're apologizing for something that you actually want. Oh, I hate that one. And there's I hear this all the time: people dismissing their dreams, dismissing their ideas. Maybe it's because they don't know how they're gonna get there. Maybe it's because they don't think of themselves in that way. But I think this is the one that I find the most heartbreaking because it's the one that oftentimes stays inside your head. It's the thought that almost happens and then gets shut down before it even gets to a sentence out loud. It's the dream that gets filed away as not practical before you even let yourself fully have it. And that one is the one that I think about the most. So, where do these thoughts come from? Because they didn't just appear out of nowhere. And for many of us, it has a pretty long history, right? Because for decades, we have been everything to everyone else, right? We have been the caretaker, we have been the emotional caregiver, we've been the one who holds space for everyone else, the peacekeeper. Oh my gosh, I had this revelation today that I'm done apologizing for things that I don't need to apologize for just so that we have peace in the house or just so that we have peace wherever it is. Um, no, that's not happening anymore. And when you're the one who makes everything okay for everyone else, leading with your own needs or your own dreams starts to feel almost inappropriate. Like you're taking up space that belongs to someone else. Right? Right. Like there's almost this thing where we think, oh my gosh, I could never, like, what am I even thinking? Ah, that seems so wrong. Like we're taking up space that someone else could take up. There's that good girl conditioning that so many of us carry, the deep, early instilled belief that being liked and approved of is safety, that ruffling feathers has consequences and we shouldn't do it. That the way to be loved is to be agreeable and small and not be too much, not think too much. Now, some of you may not relate to this. Like my sister, that is not my sister. That is, that was 100% me, right? And I and I share this with my own story. And I'm gonna do a whole episode on it, actually. I wrote a chapter in a book on it. But I grew up as a good girl who desperately wanted to do everything right. I wanted approval from other people. I looked for that validation from other people. And that whole, like, this may sound silly was basically my social survival skill or strategy for years. Like, let me get there before the dismissal does. Like, beat them to it, stay safe, right? And then there's the cultural layer underneath all of it. The unspoken message that women in midlife are supposed to be wrapping things up rather than starting things in. Isn't it wonderful that our kids don't need us the way that we were needed before? Right? That that and you should be content. And that wanting more at this stage is somehow greedy or delusional because we're old. That ship has sailed, sister. And the phrase this might sound silly, is how that belief leaks out of us even when we haven't consciously agreed to it. So much of this is happening subconsciously. Really, truly. And I hope that this episode is bringing a little bit of awareness because that's that's how we stop this. That's how we recognize that we are dismissing ourselves, and that's how we move forward. So here's where I want to get really honest with you about what this pattern is actually costing. Every single time you lead with that self-dismissal, this might sound silly. What a dumb idea. Oh, I could never do that. You are training yourself to take your own dreams less seriously. And that's not me being dramatic. That's just how repetition works. We believe what we keep saying. And if you keep saying that your ideas need a disclaimer before they're allowed to exist, eventually you start to believe that they do. You're also, and this one is subtle, but it really does matter. You're also training the people around you to take you less seriously. I don't think I realized this was happening until I had this conversation with my mom. And, well, it was a conversation. She had she had to get up and speak. I was at church with them one Sunday, and she had to get up and share in front of the church something about the missions committee. And she was just, she was gonna be doing like a two-minute, three-minute blurb. And I grew up thinking she was terrible at speaking in front of people because she always said how terrible she was at talking in front of people and how that was my dad's thing, but it wasn't her thing. And she was terrible. And so literally, I thought she was terrible at standing up in front of people. So I was a little nervous for her. I'm not gonna lie. And then she got up there with her notes. She didn't read any of it, she just talked. She was so eloquent, she was so self-assured. I couldn't believe it was my mom. And the what the realization that I had, and I this was the conversation I had with her, is you kept telling me how bad you were at this, that I actually thought you were so bad at it. But mom, you're not bad at it. And she said, Oh, well, now keep in mind, I have British parents. So the self-deprecation happens all the time. But it was sort of like, oh, well, I just don't like to do it. But you guys, what we're saying to ourselves and what we're saying out loud is literally creating an image of ourselves, right? We're training the people around us to take us less seriously. So when you lead with things that you're not good at, or that this is a silly idea, or you could never do that, or whatever, you are literally giving the person who's listening permission to agree with you. You're setting the frame before they even know what you're going to say. And here's the one I want you to really sit with. The phrase is keeping you in a holding pattern. I'm getting really passionate about this, y'all. What can you hear it in my voice? But these self-dismissal phrases, that this might sound silly, it's so dumb, is a way of floating an idea without fully committing to it. It lets you stay in the maybe. Like the maybe feels safer than the yes or no. The like, well, maybe one day I'll do that is safer because it's up there, right? It's maybe like maybe lets you keep the possibility alive without having to risk anything for it. But the maybe friends is where the dreams go to slowly die. I've watched it happen. A woman will come to a not done yet session with me and she'll have this thing that she's been circling around for years, and she'll start talking about it carefully with all the disclaimers firmly in place, because she's afraid that I'm gonna tell her that's not a good idea, right? And I see something shift in her as she talks. When she releases that need to dismiss it, when she gets really into it, I see something shift in her as she talks, like her energy changes, she lights up. And then I can I watch it happen when almost in that same breath, she pulls it back. The light dims, the shoulders come down a little, and she ends with, you know what, but I don't know. You know, it's it's probably not realistic. That is not a logic problem. That's a pattern, and it happens so fast you don't even notice you're doing it. So here's something I I want to offer you today. Okay, it's not a fix because this is a deeply ingrained pattern and it doesn't just disappear after one podcast episode, but it is a starting point, okay? What if you said the thing without the apology first or without the apology last? What if you said the thing without any apology, without any dismissal? Not because you have it all figured out, not because you're certain, not because you've done all the research and you're ready to defend it under questioning. Just what if you said it? The idea, the dream, the want without a disclaimer attached. Just to hear what it sounds like when it lands in the air on its own. Nobody has to be around when you say it, but I want you to say it out loud. Okay. And I also want you to pay attention to what goes through your mind when you say it out loud. But I just want you to say it out loud. Because here's what I know the dream doesn't need your permission slip before you're allowed to have it. You get to want things. You get to be a little bit selfish now, okay? You get to have ideas that are worth taking seriously. You get to say them out loud without bracing for impact first. And the this might sound silly phrase or whatever the phrase is that you use to dismiss yourself has never once, not once, made an idea better, made made an idea more valid, okay? It's only ever made the person who said it feel smaller. So here's what I want you to do this week. I want you to notice it. That's it. You don't have to stop doing it yet. I just want you to start recognizing it and hearing yourself when you do it. And notice when that disclaimer or that self-dismissal comes before the dream or before something that you're excited about. Notice when you apologize for the thought before you even finish having it. Notice how often you shrink the thing down before you've given it a chance to breathe. I just want you to notice because awareness is where it starts. Awareness is where we can stop the pattern, right? Or we can start to stop the pattern. And next week, we're gonna talk about something that I think is gonna really hit you right here in the chest. The idea that your spark never left. You never lost your spark, okay? It's just, it's just buried. And there's a significant difference, okay? So we're definitely gonna talk about that. Hey, I I really hope that this episode resonated with you. And if it did, I've made something for exactly this moment. It's called the not done yet reset. It's just a short audio walkthrough with a reflection guide that goes right at this pattern. We're gonna diagnose and figure out where you are dismissing yourself. Okay. It will surprise you in so many ways. And it's completely free. And it's waiting for you at rachelaperry.com forward slash not done yet. So the link is in the show notes. Go grab it if you haven't had it, if you haven't grabbed it yet. And listen, I just appreciate you listening. And if you love this and this resonated with you, I would love and appreciate if you could share this with a midlife friend of yours because we are not done yet. And we all we need to get this out there. We need all the midlife women to recognize they are not done yet. Because can we just talk about for a second what that would look like if all of us recognized that we are not done yet and we stepped into that power? Y'all, I think we would fix a lot that's wrong in this world. Don't you? You guys, I love you so much. Thank you for being here. I would love to know if this resonated with you. You can DM me on TikTok or Instagram at Rachel A. Perry. I love your face. Okay, I love your face. Thank you for being here. I'll be back here next week for another episode of Not Done.