Ep. 10 - I Could Never" (And Other Lies Your Midlife Brain Tells You)

In this episode, Rachel takes apart the phrase that quietly ends more midlife dreams than any other: "I could never." It feels like a fact. It's actually one of the lies your brain tells you, and Rachel makes the case that you're not lacking confidence at all, you're just lacking the belief that courage is enough. She gets honest about leaving her seven-figure partnership, the years she spent questioning that choice, and the truth she finally landed on: courage always goes first, and confidence only shows up after.

In this episode:

• Why "I could never" isn't a fact, it's a feeling, and I'll show you the difference
• The thing I used to believe the women "doing the thing" had that I didn't (spoiler: they have nothing on you)
• What courage actually feels like in real life (hint: dropping stomach, shaking hands, the voice saying nope)
• The story of leaving my seven-figure partnership, and how long I questioned whether I'd made a horrible mistake
• Why I'm a little Delulu and think you should be too
• The hidden cost of staying stuck, and the midlife exhaustion nobody's connecting to self-denial
• The 59-year-old woman who told me she finds it harder to believe in herself than in anybody else
• The one woman in my world who finally posted the thing, and what happened next
• The dark hallway, the light at the top, and why you only need to see one step
• The one small act of courage I want you to do this week

Mentioned in this episode:

• Free midlife conversations Rachel hosts a couple times a month (find out by joining her email list or following her on social)
• One-on-one chats: a 90-minute session ($497) to figure out where you're dismissing yourself and what's next. Reach out on Instagram, TikTok, or email rachel@rachelaperry.com

Connect with Rachel:

• Website: rachelaperry.com
• Instagram: @rachelaperry
• TikTok: @rachelaperry

If this one hit, share it with a midlife woman in your life who keeps saying, "I could never." She's not done yet either.

Transcript

Welcome To Not Done Yet

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to Not Done Yet, the podcast for midlife women who know deep down their story isn't finished. I'm your host, Rachel Perry, and here we're going to talk about what's really happening in this season of life: the identity shifts, quiet questions, the courage it takes to listen to yourself again, what it actually looks like to step into what's next, and why our boobs are hitting our knees. If you've ever looked at your life and thought, wait, is this it? Girl, you're in the right place. Because midlife isn't the end of your story. It's the moment you start paying attention to it. So take a breath and let's talk about what's really going on and what you want to do with it. Because, sister, you are not done yet.

Midlife Conversations And What’s Next

SPEAKER_00 0:55

Hello, my friends. Welcome back to another episode of Not Done Yet. I am thrilled that you are here. You guys, this has been a big week. It has been a big week. I hosted a midlife conversation with several women in midlife. And we had the best time. We talked about all things midlife. You guys, next time I host one, you have to come. It's totally free. The only way you're going to find out is if you're following me on social media at Rachel A. Perry or you are on my email list. So if you're not on my email list, go ahead and check the show notes because you need to get on there and that will be linked because I'm going to be hosting these a couple of times a month and they're awesome. The purpose is just to connect with other women in midlife and have a conversation, connect with each other. And it was so empowering. And actually, that has inspired today's episode. But another thing that I've been doing is interviewing some people for the podcast. And we're going to start having some interviews up in here. So get ready because there are some really cool people who I've connected with who have great perspectives on midlife, who are doing big things. And the cool thing is, is they're no different than you and I, right? And so that is what I want you to see more of. That it's you don't have to have special skills or anything. You just have to be willing to do the thing. And that's what we're going to talk about today.

Confidence Versus Courage

SPEAKER_00 2:26

Okay. So I want you to know in part of the conversation that we had this past week, the term confidence came up and courage came up. Okay. So so many women, I think, in midlife think things like, oh, I could never do that. Right. Or they don't necessarily think I wish I could be more confident, although I do hear that sometimes. But I think it shows up in ways that we look at other people and go, okay, well, that's amazing that you're doing something like that. I could never, right? I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm just not that kind of person. And then you sort of accept it and you move on. And we've talked about self-dismissal before. But this is almost a new level because it's almost as if that's just a fact. It's just a fact that you could never, right? Like you just assess the situation accurately and came to this reasonable conclusion. Like you could never. And that's what we're going to talk about today, because the I could never actually is not a fact. It's a feeling. And feelings are not the same as truth, even though we mix them up all the time. Because here's what I believe: I believe that you are not lacking confidence. You're just lacking the belief that courage is enough. And courage can be scary, right? Courage can be scary. Doing these things that take courage is not fun. Or it feels like it's not. The idea of it is scary. But but the thing is, is it doesn't come down to confidence. It comes down to courage. Okay. So here's what we think the people who do the thing have that we don't. They feel more certain, they're more equipped, they feel more ready. Uh, they just know somehow that it's going to work, or they have the support that we don't have. They have something that we don't have yet. And that is not what's happening. The people who do the thing, and the thing is whatever, they don't feel different than you. They don't feel more, they're not more ready. They're not more certain. They just stopped waiting to feel ready before they moved. That is the only difference. And that's courage. Confidence is, I know this is going to work. This is gonna work. And I love that. Like, I love being a little Delulu. I think that's so healthy. I tell that, I tell my kids that all the time. Like if you're Dululu, that's amazing because you know nobody can touch that, right? If you just assume it's gonna work and it's it will work. But courage is I have no idea if this is gonna work and I'm gonna do it anyway. I feel like that's kind of my my story, my mantra these days is I don't know if it's gonna work, but we're gonna try it anyway. And here's the thing confidence comes from that. So confidence can't come first. If you're waiting until you have the confidence for something, or you just think I don't have enough confidence, you're not just gonna miraculously get confidence one day. It can only come after doing the scary thing, which means that first comes the courage, always, every single time. It's true. And what I want you to hear is that if you've been waiting for a sign, if well, I do believe in signs, but if you've been waiting until you feel more certain or you feel ready, sister, that's that's not gonna happen.

What Courage Feels Like In Real Life

SPEAKER_00 5:58

It doesn't feel like a click moment when suddenly you just know. Courage feels like your stomach dropping when you think about actually doing it. Oh my gosh, you guys, I was so nervous about the midlife conversation I hosted this past week. I was so nervous because I hadn't done something like that before. And I had all these thoughts. What if nobody shows up? What if nobody talks? What if it's not fun? What if people don't enjoy it? Right. I was so nervous. And that was actually how I knew it was the thing I was supposed to be doing. Courage feels like the voice in your head saying, Nope, absolutely not. This is a terrible idea. Courage feels like feeling completely uncertain whether it's going to work or not, and not feeling ready at all. And doing it anyway. That is courage. The dropping stomach, the shaking hands, the the you know, the heartbeat, the voice saying, don't do it, and doing it anyway. That is not the absence of courage. That is courage. That is courage. So if you've been waiting to feel certain or to feel a certain way before you take action, or if you've been looking at other people who do in your eyes big things, and you think I could never, sister, she's got nothing on you. She just took a leap. I remember I was in a mastermind years ago, and we were talking about taking a leap, doing a big launch with our product. And I remember someone saying, take a leap and the net will appear. That is courage, right? And I truly believe the net will appear when you take that leap, whatever that leap is for you. Right. For one person, it might be starting a podcast. For another, it might be changing jobs, for another, it might be finally asking for the divorce. Whatever it is, that is what courage is. And the confidence comes after you take action. So if you've been waiting to do something that can only exist on the other side of the thing that you're waiting to do, girl, it's a loop.

Leaving A Seven Figure Partnership

SPEAKER_00 8:14

And the only way out of that loop is courage. Seriously, you guys, I've talked about this a little bit before, and I'm realizing this is the first year that I've talked about this at all, really. And that is the story of me leaving my partnership. And I keep sharing it because truly that was the beginning of my pivoting in midlife. That was more than that, that was the beginning of me trusting myself. And I think trusting ourselves takes a lot of courage. And none of at no point have I ever thought, I'm gonna be courageous. At no point have I thought, I am courageous. Like I no, I just do the thing. And I I just did not feel aligned. And I I don't even know if that's a term that you use, but like I didn't feel at peace in my business. In fact, in that partnership, I never felt total joy. I had fun. I had fun, but I didn't feel joy. I didn't feel fulfilled. It was not what lit me up. I don't know if I've ever said that before. So this seven-figure partnership looked amazing on paper, and I didn't want to be in it anymore. And that was terrifying and devastating, right? And then the process was even worse. The process of saying, hey, guess what? I think I want to leave. And then going through this divorce, if you will, that was awful. And how many times have I questioned myself, was that the right thing? I don't know, was that selfish? It looked so good on paper, like I was making good money. We were really impacting people's lives. Was that a selfish move? Did I do the wrong thing? Can I even do this alone? My gosh, I lost total trust in myself completely. And that that was not confidence, you guys. That was not confidence. I was so scared. And I will say I tend to do things without thinking them through. But that's a good thing sometimes. And I needed to do that. I needed to rip the band-aid off and do the thing. But for a long time after, I questioned myself. I questioned it. I thought, was that the right thing? And only recently am I able to acknowledge that it was the right thing. And it did take a whole hell of a lot of courage. I didn't feel ready. I didn't even feel certain. My gosh, I didn't feel certain. I kept going back, was that the right thing? Was that the right thing? I had no evidence that this move was going to work. I had a nudge that I couldn't ignore. And I moved toward it, even though everything felt uncertain. I continuously was questioning myself. It was a hard six years since then. I I'm not gonna lie, like it has not been easy. But the confidence came later, so much later. And it only came because I took that courageous step first. Courage had to go first. It always does. It always does. So going back to those thoughts, like I could never do that. I want you to think about the last time you said that to yourself. Was it about someone else's business, someone else's podcast? Was it about someone else's life? What was it? And what was your assumption with that phrase? I'm guessing it was something like that person, she's so different from me. She's she's so much better at things like that. She's comfortable putting herself out there. Something makes it possible for her that just I don't have. Right? So, like they've obviously got something more credentials, certainty, readiness, experience, confidence, whatever that you don't have. But but here's what's actually true that person was scared too. She didn't feel ready either. She had the I could never voice in her head, too. But the difference is it, or it's not that they didn't have the voice. The difference is they didn't let the voice make their decision, right? Like I could never is not information about your ability. There is no fact there. It's it's information about how you think change happens. It's really a limiting belief. Like it's limiting you. It's a belief that you have that's limiting you from taking action. You think it happens when you feel ready, but it doesn't. It happens when you decide that not moving is more expensive than moving. Even scared, even uncertain, having no clue, even without the confidence yet. Seriously, y'all. Like this is, and I really want to ask you like, what is the cost of not taking action? And I don't know what that action is for you. It for you, it might seem huge, and to someone else, it might seem small. It doesn't matter because it's your action. And what is that for you? What is that for you?

The Hidden Cost Of Staying Stuck

SPEAKER_00 13:29

Is it saying enough with this exhaustion? Y'all, I had this revelation, and maybe this is a whole nother podcast episode. But the exhaustion we feel as midlife women, 100% we can say it's hormones because hello, yes. Also, we're doing too much, yes. We we probably haven't had good sleep in years. Also, yes. But what if adding to this exhaustion is the fact that we keep denying ourselves? Like, what if it's because you're not living in your passion? And I don't mean your job has to fill you up, everything has to be amazing, and you have to be passionate at all times. But for years, you guys, I did not have the passion that I have now, which is speaking to you, creating a space for midlife women to connect and talk about all the weird things that are happening to our bodies and our minds. And what is this new, new stage of life? What the hell? Right? That's my passion. I get so excited to do this. I have not had that before, y'all. I'm embarrassed to admit that. I really haven't. I would get excited when I was teaching. Really, probably the biggest passion was becoming a mom. And then I became a mom and I was like, wait, what? Like, that's what I wanted. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. But this, I feel so energized and excited. And this doesn't mean that you need to go and start your own business. It just means what is it that lights you up? And what are you saying you could never do that's holding you back from that being energized again or for the first time, like with me, right? So I said earlier that I hosted a conversation, a midlife conversation to several women or with several women.

Belonging Comes After You Show Up

SPEAKER_00 15:22

And one of them had spent 25 years in service to others, basically giving everything of herself, showing up completely, finding her greatest joy connecting people and being the link between people who needed each other. So she moved somewhere new. She's she's 59. She moved somewhere new and instantly felt like she had no credibility, no footing, no place to plug in because it's all new. She doesn't have the connection she had before. And she said it so quietly, but she said something along the lines of, I find it harder to believe in myself than anybody else. And I want to sit with that for a second because she has everything she needs. She has the skills, she has the desire, the experience, decades of experience. But in this new space, right, without the credibility that she built before, she's waiting. She's waiting to feel like she belongs before she shows up. She's waiting to feel ready before she takes a step. She's waiting to feel connected before she takes a step. And I want to say to her and you, if this is you, you don't need to feel like you belong before you show up for yourself. You show up, and that is how you come to belong. You don't need confidence first. You need one courageous act, just one and then another. And confidence builds from there. Courage is starting before you feel ready. You are so much more ready than you even know. And again, I don't know what that step is for you, right? I don't know what that step is for you, but I'm here to tell you you are ready. Also, in that conversation, um, another woman who was there, I mean, she had coached with me actually for several months. She's been in my in my world for quite a while. And she finally posted on something, something on social media that she has been wanting to post. It had to do with her business. And she said, I had the courage to post, and I don't care what people say. And someone responded and said, Oh, more details. And that's how it starts, right? Not with a dramatic reinvention, not with blowing up your life, not with doing something crazy. Just one small, courageous act that opened the next door. You don't need to see the whole staircase before you take that step. You don't need to see the whole journey. I mean, y'all, I have this idea, or not idea, but I'm a visual thinker. And I see this sort of dark hallway with steps. And I and I can see the door open at the top with light coming through, but I can't see all the steps in between. That's what I feel like this is. You can only see the step in front of you, right? You don't need to see that whole staircase. You just need to take one step and see what the next step looks like from there.

One Small Act Of Courage

SPEAKER_00 18:18

Because here's what I know the woman who says I could never, and the woman who does the thing, the only difference between them is one decision, one moment where she chose courage over the comfort of staying where she was. That's it. That's literally it. I'm serious, like what? Isn't that crazy? That's all. That's all it is. I am not talking about doing something huge, taking a massive step. I'm not talking about quitting your job or blowing up your life or having everything figured out. I'm talking like one small thing. For me, yes, a big step was leaving the partnership. But recently, hosting this chat, this midlife chat, I was so nervous about that. I didn't know if anything would come from it, if it would work. But y'all, I was so energized and I did it. So this week, I want you to think of one thing, one thing that is slightly more honest than what you did last week. Like saying the idea out loud to one person without this might sound silly attached to it, something that you've been thinking about, right? Maybe it's a podcast, like maybe it's like me, and you you say, I've been thinking about starting a podcast, right? Or writing down a dream without apologizing for it, or without auditing it, right? Or sending the email you've been drafting for three weeks, or posting the thing that you've been sitting on, or having the conversation you've been avoiding, or literally just letting your mind think, what if? How cool would that be if, right? One thing, courage doesn't require a big, huge, grand gesture. It just requires showing up slightly more honest than you did yesterday. Even though your stomach is dropping, even though your heart is beating, even though you have butterflies, even though the voice is saying, I don't know about this. Even look, my I'm like, my hand is on my gut right now because I'm like, I can feel it, right? That's such a good feeling, though, you guys. When you get like that, do the thing, especially when you don't feel ready. Because that feeling, that's not a warning. That's courage knocking. You guys, I get so excited about this.

One On One Chats And Closing

SPEAKER_00 20:27

Listen, if you're like, I would love to just talk this out with you, Rachel. I have opened up just a couple of one-on-one chats on my calendar. And if you want more information on that, it's 90 minutes. We would sit and talk, we would figure out where you're dismissing yourself and what is next for you so that you can start to trust yourself again. It's just 497. If you are interested, come find me on Instagram or TikTok, Rachel A. Perry, or email me, Rachel at Rachel A. Perry, and we'll get you on the calendar. Because my friend, and maybe that's the courage, maybe that's the step you need to take this week. Maybe that's it. It doesn't matter. Just take one small act of courage this week. And I want to hear from you when you do, because I truly am your biggest cheerleader. I am cheering you on. And I'm doing it messy. I'm doing it messy so you can see that we can do this messy and still survive. So just know good things are on their way. Good things are on their way for you. You guys, this hit, this hit, please share this with another midlife woman who is not done yet. Just remember, you are not done yet. We collectively are not done yet. I adore you. Thank you so much for being here. Until next week, my beautiful friend.