Ep 15 - Is It Normal to Feel Invisible in Midlife? (Yes. And Here's the Reframe That Changes Everything.)

Rachel cracks open one of midlife's most disorienting experiences: the moment the world stops noticing you. Not because you've changed, but because the culture has decided you're no longer the most interesting person in the room. In this episode, she names the thing a lot of women feel but don't know how to say, and then reframes it in a way that might change how you move through it.

Rachel talks about the grief that comes with midlife invisibility (the grief we rarely give space to), the unexpected freedom on the other side, and the most important distinction she wants you to hold onto when the invisible feeling hits. Fair warning: she also mentions boobs more than once. You've been advised.

In this episode:

• The friend who warned me I'd become invisible in my 40s, and how hard I laughed at her (and then didn't)
• The three moments that made me go, okay, something has actually shifted: the store clerk, the talking-over, and the thing I almost didn't say out loud
• The grief piece we skip straight past in midlife, and why rushing to "liberation" does us a disservice
• Why feeling invisible and being irrelevant are not the same thing, not even close
• What you've built, survived, lost, and rebuilt that cannot be faked or shortcutted by anyone younger in that room
• What invisibility actually clears when the world stops tracking you, and why that space might be exactly what you needed
• The version of you that becomes visible on the other side of all of this: she knows who she is, she knows what she wants, and she is way more interesting than the one who was performing for everyone

Mentioned in this episode:

• Coming next week: an interview with a gynecologist on all things perimenopause and menopause

Connect with Rachel:

• Website: rachelaperry.com
• Instagram: @rachelaperry
• TikTok: @rachelaperry

Know a midlife woman who's been feeling this lately but hasn't had the words for it? Send this her way. She's not done yet either.

Ready to stop circling the thing you can't stop thinking about? Take the free Not Done Yet Spark and discover your next step.

www.rachelaperry.com/spark 

Transcript

Welcome To Not Done Yet

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Welcome to Not Done Yet, the podcast for midlife women who know deep down their story isn't finished. I'm your host, Rachel Perry, and here we're going to talk about what's really happening in this season of life: the identity shifts, quiet questions, the courage it takes to listen to yourself again, what it actually looks like to step into what's next, and why our boobs are hitting our knees. If you've ever looked at your life and thought, wait, is this it? Girl, you're in the right place. Because midlife isn't the end of your story. It's the moment you start paying attention to it. So take a breath and let's talk about what's really going on and what you want to do with it. Because, sister, you are not done yet. Hey guys, welcome back to Not Done Yet. Y'all, today we're going to talk about something that has bothered me ever since reaching midlife. We are. But before we do that, I wanted to give you guys a heads up. I just had an interview or did an interview with a doctor, a gynecologist, who will be on the podcast next week, I believe. We're going to be talking about all things perimenopause and menopause. I'm so pumped

A Quick Menopause Series Tease

SPEAKER_00 2:16

up about this episode. And I'm excited because I think it's going to become a series. We're going to talk about all the things. So stay tuned for that. But this week, we're talking about the invisibility cloak that we tend to put on in midlife. But the thing is, the difference between Harry Potter and us, well, there are so many differences, but just go with me here, okay? Is that Harry Potter chooses to put on the invisibility cloak and we do not necessarily. I remember years ago, one of my good friends mentioned that when we get older,

The Midlife Invisibility Cloak

SPEAKER_00 2:52

we become invisible. She's like, when you reach your late 40s and 50s, you become invisible. And I remember thinking, no, that will not be happening to me. Like, no way is that gonna happen to me. I refuse. Because I am loud. I am, I'm a lot. I'm a I'm extra. Like that is not gonna happen. And she, I mean, I genuinely believe that. And then I started noticing things. I'd walk into a store, and the person, you know, behind the counter, or you know, that you would pass in the aisles would just look right through me as if I just wasn't even there. And it it really felt weird. I was like, okay, you're that's just in your head rage. Or I'd be in a conversation and realize that I was being spoken over, which is what that rudely, just like maybe my voice wasn't as audible as it had been before. That was a weird one for me. Because you don't put baby in the corner. Do you know what I'm saying? Then there was a thing that I almost don't want to say out loud because it sounds a little vain. But I'm gonna say it anyway because I think I'm not the only one that feels this way, maybe. But guys, stop checking me out. Now, part of that could be that I was like 60 pounds overweight. But you guys, listen, I know, I know that shouldn't matter. I'm a grown woman with a whole life, husband, kids, and I absolutely know that my worth is not tied to whether a man, a stranger finds me attractive. But y'all, it still hit me weird. I was like, wait a second, guys aren't checking me out anymore. Like, what? And it was this strange, subtle, sort of disorienting realization that something had shifted, that I was moving through the world differently than I'd used to, almost into a different world, right? The world was was responding to me differently. And even though I'd been warned, I don't think I really understood what she meant when she said you become invisible. And that's what we're talking about today, the invisible woman and what we're supposed to do with that. Because here's the thing. Now, I did share something on TikTok about being invisible and how we don't need to be that way. And someone commented, Oh, I like being invisible because I don't care what people think anymore and I can do whatever I want. And I hadn't thought about it from that perspective. So if that's you, I feel you. But I think for me personally, it's just a weird feeling. It's not that I want everyone's attention. It's just almost like the whole looking through me thing is that what's weird. So I just want to validate you either way. However, you feel about that, I just want you to know that a lot of women feel the same way that you do and often feel embarrassed or silly for even thinking it, especially the invisibility piece. Um, but y'all, invisibility in midlife is a real thing. And it's not in your head, it's not vanity, it's not you being dramatic. Something genuinely shifts in the way the world responds to us as we move through our 40s and 50s. And I think culture, and I say this all the time, has a very specific relationship with midlife women. And it's not particularly generous. Because we live in a world that idolizes youth, right? That markets

Why It Feels So Disorienting

SPEAKER_00 6:22

to youth, that treats youth as the most interesting, most relevant, most worth paying attention to stage of life. It's idolized, like I said. And so when you're no longer in that category, when you move into midlife with all its wisdom and experience and hard-won self-knowledge, the world kind of stops tracking you the way it used to. And that's a weird ass thing to experience. Even when you know in your mind, intellectually, that it's the world's problem, not yours. Even when you know that your value has nothing to do with whether a 30-year-old notices you when you walk into the room, even when you know all of that, it's still strange. And it's okay to say that it's strange. So here's where it gets interesting, right? And this is what I just alluded to. When I shared this on TikTok, when I talked about the invisibility thing, I definitely got two different kinds of responses. Some women said, Yes, yes, I feel seen. This is exactly what I've been feeling. And I didn't know how to say it. It's unsettling, it's lonely, I hate it. And then other women, just a few, but said, I love it. I feel completely free. Nobody's watching me anymore, so I can do whatever I want. And I think both of those responses are completely valid, right? They both can be true at the same time because the invisibility

Freedom Versus Grief

SPEAKER_00 7:53

of midlife has two sides to it. There's absolute freedom that comes with it when you stop being the object of everyone's attention, when the world stops tracking you, stops evaluating you, stops measuring you against some standard of what a woman is supposed to look like or be like, right? There's genuine liberation there. You get to stop performing. You get to stop worrying about what other people think of you. You get to stop being so aware of how you're being perceived. You get to just be. And that's actually a really beautiful, beautiful thing. But there's also a loss, a real one. And I think this is something that I am feeling deeply right now. And I think that we do women a disservice when we skip straight to that liberation. Like we don't give a, you know, we don't care anymore without acknowledging the grief. And I think just from hearing from some of you, that I tend to be experiencing a grief maybe more than some of you do. So if it's not relatable, let me know. But something does change. And I think it's okay to grieve it a little before you find the freedom in it. So let's talk about that grief piece for a second. Because while I might be feeling grief and you may not, I do think that there is grief associated with the stage of midlife. And I don't think we give it enough space. Because when you've moved through the world in a certain way your whole adult life, when you've been noticed, when you've been seen, when you've been adored for some of you, when you've had a certain kind of presence and currency in the world, when you've excelled, right? Then that shifts and there's it doesn't happen anymore. And it's almost like there's a mourning period somehow. It doesn't matter how evolved you are, or how much you know you're worth, or how little you care about the external validation, the shift still lands somewhere. So for some women, it's the physical stuff. My gosh, right? Like the body changing in ways she didn't expect, having to hike those boobs up, right? To put in a bra, the face that's looking a little droopier, the way things feel different than they used to. So for some women, it's the professional stuff, like feeling like she's being passed over for younger colleagues, or feeling like she's the oldest one there. Like her ideas get less traction than they used to be, like being um written off as a boomer, which hello, we're not. But like she's being quietly moved toward the margins. For other women, it's the social stuff, like feeling like the culture around her has moved onto a different conversation that doesn't include her. Like she's slightly out of step with what's trending and relevant and talked about. I mean, if you have kids, y'all, who are Gen Z or Gen Alpha, like me, we are always saying something wrong. And I remember feeling that way with my parents. For some women, it's that deeply personal, almost embarrassing thing I mentioned at the beginning. Also, me, the realization that we move through the world with less of a certain kind of attention than we're used to, and not knowing quite what to do with that feeling. All of this is real, all of it is valid. And you don't have to pretend that it doesn't land just because you know you're more than what the world sees. But here's what I really want you to hear today. And this is the thing that I want you to hold on to when the invisible feeling hits you, and I'm gonna do the same. Feeling invisible and being irrelevant are not the same thing, not even close. Feeling invisible is an experience. It happens when the world around you stops reflecting you back to yourself. When the culture, the algorithm, the men in the room, the store clerk, the conversation, when all of it stops tracking you the way it once

Invisible Is Not Irrelevant

SPEAKER_00 11:53

did and instead tracks the younger, the younger crew, right? That's real and it's uncomfortable and it's okay to name it. It's also really weird when you're out with your daughter and other men are checking her out. Like, I'm not okay with that. But being irrelevant, that's a fact. And it is not a fact about you because you are not irrelevant. You have never been more relevant. You've never had more say, you've never had more perspective, more hard-won wisdom, more genuine clarity about what actually matters and what doesn't. You've navigated things, you've survived things, you've built and lost things and rebuilt things. You have a depth of understanding about this life that genuinely cannot be faked or shortcutted or acquired any other way except by living it. And that is what makes you relevant. The world might not be centering on you right now, but guess what? That's the world's loss, not your diminishment. You are not less. You are just less visible to the people who were never looking at the right things anyway. And as I share this, I'm thinking, oh my gosh, I'm so thankful I'm not in Hollywood. Because women are written off in Hollywood way sooner, right? There's this just exhaustion, I think. For I mean, I can't even imagine what people, women in Hollywood feel when they hit their 40s. Golly. So let's reframe this. Because I think this is really important. And I need to hear this for myself. As I was writing this, I was like, okay, yes, Rachel. What if invisibility wasn't a loss? Like, what if it was actually clearing something? Because here's what I've noticed. And this is something I've seen in the women I work with, in my friends. When the world's attention pulls away, when you're no longer performing for an audience that's constantly evaluating

Turning Less Attention Into Space

SPEAKER_00 14:03

you, when you stop being so tracked, I guess, and measured and noticed, something opens up. Space. Actual space. Space to stop performing the version of yourself that other people expected. Space to stop organizing your choices around what will be received well. Space to stop asking, what are they gonna think? And then start asking, what do I actually want? Oh my gosh, yes. Like, what do I actually want? The invisibility that feels like a loss might actually be the thing that gives you the room to figure out who you are outside of everyone else's gaze. When nobody's watching. What do you do when nobody's watching? What lights you up? What do you reach for? What do you want? Those answers I really want you to pay attention to because those are the most honest answers you've ever given. Because you're not performing for anyone anymore, right? I have to tell you that the women I admire most in midlife are not the ones who are trying so hard to stay visible, right? We all know the ones. The ones who are like, okay, this is gonna sound really judgy, but the ones who are trying to stay young, right? They're not the ones. And I listen, don't get me wrong. I have no problem with plastic surgery, no problem with doing what it takes to feel good about yourself. But you guys know the ones. The ones who are pretending that they're not who they are, right? Those are the women who I don't necessarily admire a lot. They're not the ones

Choosing Realness Over Performing

SPEAKER_00 15:47

who tried to, I don't know, adapt to midlife, right? They're they're trying so hard to still, but you know who I'm talking about, right? The ones who are still fighting against that invisibility. They don't want to grow up. I mean, none of us really do. I really admire the ones who go, F it, right? F it. I don't care anymore. Because I'm gonna show up as me fully, unapologetically, without performing. That's the word, performative. Like it's the performative women that I'm like, I don't necessarily admire that. Like, I don't look at someone who has had lots of work done and is still trying to be like like Gen Z and relatable and all that. Like, I don't admire that. I admire, I admire the woman who's not afraid of being seen as where she is for who she is, right? I think that's so admirable. Give me Botox, give me a facelift, give me a boob lift, whatever, but I'm not gonna hide the fact that I'm 51. Right? This is who I am, and I am bringing an experience to the to the table. And I love that. I don't need the world to decide whether or not I'm relevant. I know I am. I don't need the world's approval, and neither do you, right? We need to stop making ourselves smaller to fit into spaces that weren't built for us. Because that, my friends, is where we become the most magnetic. Not because we're louder or more aggressive or more desperate for attention, but because we're so completely and unapologetically ourselves that people can't help but notice us. Although we don't need people to notice us anymore, right? That's the move. Not fighting the invisibility, but deciding what you're gonna do with the freedom of it. My friend warned me that I would become invisible, and she was right in some ways, in some rooms to some people. But here's what she didn't tell me, and I think it's because she didn't know the version of you that becomes visible on the other side of that invisibility, she's so much more interesting than the one who was performing for everyone else's attention, who was trying to fit into what the world wants. She knows who she is. She knows what she wants. She stopped waiting for the world to see her and decided deciding what she actually wants to be seen for. Oh, yes. That woman is not invisible. She's just getting started. She is not done yet. That person, my friend, is you. Yes, she is. Listen, I adore you and I'm so grateful that you are listening to this podcast. And I am your biggest cheerleader. You are not done yet. You are not wearing that invincibility cloak. We need to see this person of deal. Because we're not done yet. Listen, my friend, I love you. Share this with another midlife sister who needs to hear this message. I so appreciate you. Until next time.