Ep. 17 - The Era Of Me - A Midlife Mantra

Rachel cracks open the belief that keeps showing up disguised as concern, judgment, or a raised eyebrow: that a midlife woman saying "it's my turn" is somehow too much. It started with a TikTok clip of Michelle Obama answering one question with one word, me, and the eye roll that followed from another woman watching. Rachel unpacks why that reaction lands so hard, why women dismiss each other's wanting the same way they dismiss their own, and what actually happens when a woman finally stops waiting for everyone else's permission to choose herself.

In this episode:

• The TikTok clip that started it all: Barack Obama says "fun," Michelle says "me," and one word gets celebrated while the other gets an eye roll
• Why a woman's reaction to another woman wanting something reveals what she believes about her own right to want
• My own confession: the time I judged my brother-in-law for moving to Colorado for himself, and what I had to admit about why
• The double standard nobody says out loud: men get to put themselves first, women get told it's selfish
• Where the "selfless woman" script actually comes from, and the story about my mom and the bread basket that says it all
• Why breaking this cycle matters for your kids, whether they're watching a mom who puts herself last or one who doesn't
• The reframe that changes everything: wanting more for yourself does not mean you love your life or your family less
• What I've actually watched happen when women give themselves permission to want more, and it is not what you'd think
• The line I need you to hear twice: choosing yourself doesn't take anything away from the people you love, it gives them more of you
• The question I'd ask the woman who rolled her eyes: what answer would have felt okay to you
• Why it's your turn right now, whether you're 45, 47, or 51, and why you don't have to earn it first

Mentioned in this episode:

• Rachel's email list (with a freebie inside): rachelaperry.com
• Not Done Yet Sessions: a 90-minute conversation to figure out what you actually want, what's been stopping you, and your next step https://www.rachelaperry.com/ndysession

Connect with Rachel:

• Website: rachelaperry.com
• Instagram: @rachelaperry
• TikTok: @rachelaperry

If this one hit a nerve, send it to a woman in your life who's been talking herself out of saying "me." She's not done yet either.

Ready to stop circling the thing you can't stop thinking about? Take the free Not Done Yet Spark and discover your next step.

www.rachelaperry.com/spark 

Transcript

Welcome To Not Done Yet

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Welcome to Not Done Yet, the podcast for midlife women who know deep down their story isn't finished. I'm your host, Rachel Perry, and here we're going to talk about what's really happening in this season of life: the identity shifts, the quiet questions, the courage it takes to listen to yourself again, what it actually looks like to step into what's next, and why our boobs are hitting our knees. If you've ever looked at your life and thought, wait, is this it? Girl, you're in the right place. Because midlife isn't the end of your story. It's the moment you start paying attention to it. So take a breath and let's talk about what's really going on and what you want to do with it. Because, sister, you are not done yet.

The TikTok Scroll Confession

SPEAKER_00 1:48

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Not Done Yet. I am so happy that you are here. You guys, this week I was scrolling through TikTok. And I'm not gonna lie, I think I might have a problem. The amount of time I spend on TikTok is embarrassing and unacceptable. I don't want to see how long I spend on there because I swear I open it up and then an hour and a half later, I'm still scrolling. How does that happen, you guys? How? Tell me how. I don't know. It's upsetting, embarrassing, but I've admitted it here. So I feel like I got that off my chest because this is a safe space.

Obama Clip And The Eye Roll

SPEAKER_00 2:29

You, but while I was scrolling, while I was scrolling on TikTok, I saw this video of Michelle and Barack Obama. They were being interviewed. And I think it was her name is Robin, I think, is the interviewer. I don't remember. I think she's on ABC, but girl, I don't have any idea. Anyway, she said, this for your next phase of life, describe your next phase of life in one word. And Obama said Barack Obama said, fun. And Michelle, after thinking, said me. Freaking loved that. But the person who had shared this clip on her TikTok completely, she loved Barack's response. But when Michelle said me, she completely, she almost rolled her eyes. In fact, she did roll her eyes. And it was such, and this was a midlife woman. This was a midlife woman. And it was such a gross response to me. I wasn't surprised by their answers. I love their answers. I love that Barack wants fun. And I love even more that this is Michelle's era of me, right? Like that's what we all should be saying. She's one of the most accomplished, and I'm not going to get political, but generous, publicly, publicly dedicated women of our lifetime. And she said that this next phase is about her. After decades of being a lawyer, a mother, a first lady, a public servant, a role model, a wife, she's now said it's my turn. And this person who was sharing it acted as if that was the most ridiculous, terrible, awful thing she could do. And that's what we're unpacking today.

Why “Me” Triggers Judgment

SPEAKER_00 4:16

Because I think this is a deeply ingrained belief that a woman in midlife saying, hey, I'm going to focus on me, is somehow wrong, selfish, too much. Insert whatever word, right? We talk so much, especially on this podcast, about self-dismissal, about the way that women talk about themselves, or about how they talk themselves out of their own wants, their own dreams, their own chapters, their own next chapters, I should say, about that this might sound silly and I could never, and keeping the dream just far enough away that it can't re you know, it doesn't require anything from us. But when I saw that TikTok, it made me realize it's not just ourselves that we're dismissing. A lot of us dismiss each other. And I don't think it's because it's a bunch of women who are mean to each other, although there are still mean girls. Can we that why? Right? Like, where why doesn't the mean girl thing ever go away? But I think that this dismissal of other women is also part of the same problem because the woman who rolled her eyes at Michelle Obama wasn't just having a reaction to Michelle. She was revealing what she believes about women wanting things for themselves. And if she believes that about Michelle, who personally I think is one of the most deserving women on the planet to focus on me, she believes it about herself too. Right? Like, take out however you feel about Michelle, right? Any woman in midlife who says, I'm gonna focus on me, why do we react? Why do we have such a visceral reaction to that? Ugh, must be nice, right? Or I can't believe she said that the eye roll or the whatever it is, the uh is in the same voice that also says you should just be grateful. You you who are you to want more? The same voice that makes pe women feel selfish for having needs and wants and desires that belong to them. We've all internalized it. And sometimes it comes out as self-dismissal, and sometimes it comes out as judgment of other women who have the audacity to say, me, it's my turn. I want something for myself now. But we're changing that. We're changing that story because it's it's a lie, it's not the truth. And I'll be honest, I think sometimes I might have had that reaction in the past too. When someone's like, you know, I am, I'm gonna go, my brother-in-law just moved to Colorado. And part of me, and not for a job, just because he's always wanted to move to Colorado. And we're here now with his elderly parents because Mark is one of two and the the younger brother just moved because he wanted to. And I thought, oh, how selfish. You're putting yourself first. I mean, there's a whole lot of other shit there too, excuse me, but but there is. But why is it selfish to put yourself first? Now, I'm gonna say this. I'm gonna say this because I can't believe I used that as an example because he's not a woman, he hasn't put himself last for decades. He's always been first, right? Men can do that. Women can't. We're always taking care of somebody else. It's just how we're raised. It's just how what society tells us, it's just who we are. We take care of everybody else. But when it's our turn, which it is, ladies, that feels selfish and that feels wrong. And maybe you've told someone about something that you want to do, something for yourself, just for you. And you were left to feel that you were selfish. I've had people say that on my on my reels and TikToks. Women are saying, Yeah, when I do things for myself, I get told I'm selfish. Y'all, that's not okay. It's not okay. And maybe they haven't said it out loud to you. Maybe it's just that they get quiet, you know, or maybe they just give you a look, or maybe there's a slight shift in energy. And oh, oh, really? That must be nice. That landed somewhere uncomfortable. And you're like, oh, that rubs me the wrong way. And maybe you walked away from that conversation, having talked yourself out of the thing that you wanted, because your met that message was received loud and clear. Wanting things for yourself as a woman is not okay. Or maybe you're the one that's done it to someone else, not maliciously, just reflexively. And I think that's what it is, right? We reflexively are like, whoa, that must be nice. Because it's what was modeled. Because we were all raised in the same soup of Gen X women, right? We're all Gen X women. Like the whole put yourselves last is ingrained in us. And I am not pointing fingers because I share, I'm sharing that I've had the same reaction sometimes. I have done it. I've caught myself having a reaction to a woman who was unapologetically choosing herself and had to stop and ask, okay, Rachel, why are we reacting like that? What is that actually about? It doesn't happen anymore because I'm like, hell yes. But it was before I acknowledged and realized that I was putting myself last. I think it kind of came from a space of envy, right? Like, I want that. And what it's always about is this her choosing herself holds up a mirror to my own, not choosing myself. And y'all, that mirror is uncomfortable. We just like to hide that mirror, right? So, where does this even

Where The Selfless Woman Script Comes From

SPEAKER_00 10:19

come from? This idea that midlife women wanting things for themselves is selfish. Like I just said, I mean, it runs deep. It's generational, it's cultural. Many of us were raised watching the women around us put themselves last. Oh my gosh, my mom still puts herself last. Not because those women were weak or wrong or didn't know better, but because that was what was expected. That was what was modeled, that was what was rewarded. The good woman was the selfless woman, right? The one who gives everything, the one who made sure everyone else was okay before she even thought about herself. I remember watching my mom always say, like, if for example, she still does, if there's bread in a basket and there's not enough for everyone, she'll be the first one to be like, you guys take it, right? And we look at that and we go, oh, she is so generous. And she is. But at the same time, I think it's also important for our kids to see us choose ourselves, right? I just really think it is okay for us to put ourselves first right now. And and this is we are going against the current on this one, right? But we have absorbed all of these messages that as women, as wives, as mothers, we need to put ourselves last. And the way we continue to put ourselves last is continuing the cycle. And our girls, especially, but both boys and girls are watching us. And if we keep putting ourselves last, what is going to happen when they're our age? Right? We've got to break this cycle. We need to stand up and say, actually, this next phase is about me. All right. This is this is what happens. Now, when she breaks it, we're not all everyone isn't gonna cheer for you, right? Let's say you. When you break it, everyone isn't necessarily gonna cheer for you. There are gonna be people that flinch, there are gonna be people that judge, there are gonna be people that roll their eyes. This is why I'm doing it first. Because doing the thing you haven't let yourself do yet, it feels threatening to other people. And that is hard to name, right? But here's what I really want you to hear. Because I think this is the part that changes things.

Wanting More Without Loving Less

SPEAKER_00 12:53

Wanting more for yourself does not mean you love your life less. It does not mean you love your family less. Those two things are not in conflict. They never were. But we have been operating as if they are for so long that it feels like a fact. But you can love your husband and want something that's entirely yours within it. You can love your kids and feel the pull toward a version of yourself that exists outside of you being their mother. You can be their mother and do something for yourself. You can love your career and know that something is calling you towards something different. You can love your life and still want more. The wanting more doesn't mean the life is wrong. It doesn't mean you're ungrateful. It doesn't mean something is missing in a way that should be fixed or apologized for. It means you're paying attention. It means something in you is alive and awake and not finished yet. It means you are, say it with me, you are not done yet. Michelle Obama's given decades to other people. No matter how you feel about her, you we all can agree on that. To her husband, to her children, to her country, to her community. And now she says this next phase is about her. That's not selfish. That is the most honest and self-aware thing a woman can say after a lifetime of showing up for everyone else. And she deserves every single person in her life cheering for that, not rolling their eyes at it. And so do you. And I am cheering you on for that. I am getting really heated and passionate about this.

What Changes When You Choose You

SPEAKER_00 14:44

Because I want to tell you what I've actually witnessed happen when women finally give themselves permission to want more, when they finally stop waiting for everyone around them to approve of their wanting. Oh, that approval that that we're always striving for, which we do not need. When those women say, you know what, it's my turn. Okay, here's what happens they don't become selfish. That's the thing. I think that's the fear. Like if I put myself first, then I'll become someone who doesn't care about the people I love. And they will suffer because I'm putting myself first. But that is not what happens. What happens is actually the opposite. Okay. These women that I work with who finally give themselves permission to want more, they become better. Not because they're doing everything for everyone else, but because they're finally showing up as a full version of themselves instead of a depleted, resentful going through the motions version. And here's what's so important. Their kids see a mom who is alive and engaged and excited about her own life. And that is the most powerful thing a mother can model for her children. That women get to have full lives, that wanting things for yourself is not shameful, that your dreams do matter. And I do, even as I'm sharing this, I'm feeling the discomfort from saying this out loud. So it's clearly deep, deeply rooted in me as well. But we've got to start. We have got to choose ourselves. We've got to look at our dreams and choose ourselves. Here's what else happens: those women who choose themselves, their partners see a woman who has energy again, who's present again, who has something to talk about that isn't logistics and schedules and everyone else's needs. And they finally feel like they exist, like they have more purpose, like they matter, like they are a person and not just, I don't know, a function, right? Wanting more doesn't take anything away from the people you love. It gives them more of you. Oh my gosh, I need you to hear that. I need you to hear that. Wanting more doesn't take anything from the people you love. Choosing yourself doesn't take anything away from the people you love. It gives them more of you. Who's a better version of you? The one who is constantly helping everybody else, being there for everybody else and exhausted and never has time for themselves. Or the person who is there for everyone else, but also says, you know what? No, I'm doing this for me right now, and I will come back to you in a second. I know that's hard. I know that's hard, right? But I keep coming back to that video, to that eye roll, to the woman who shared it and thought Barack's answer was wonderful and Michelle's was somehow problematic. And I want to say to that person gently and with so much love, what would you have wanted her to say? Like, what is the answer that would have felt okay? What word would not have triggered you in that way? Because I think the honest answer is that there isn't one. Not really. Because the problem isn't what Michelle said. The problem is the belief that Michelle or any other woman saying me out loud is too much. And that belief has got to go. Not just for Michelle, not just for the women who obviously have given enough and earned the right to claim the season for themselves, for all of us. For the woman who is 47 and has been putting herself last since she was 25. For the woman who is 51 and has worked in a career for 30 years and is now putting herself first. For the newly 45-year-old who just woke up one day and realized, wait, is this it for me? Yeah. Could it be your turn? Absolutely. It is your turn. And you don't have to earn it, sister. You don't have to justify it, and you don't have to make sure everyone around you is completely okay before you're allowed to claim it. It is your turn right now. While you're still in the middle of everything, while the kids are still at home, while the career is still happening, while the life is still fully underway right now, this is the time you choose you. Michelle said one word, me. And I think it's the bravest, most honest, most right answer she could have given. Because I want you to know something she obviously knows. Loving your life and wanting more are not opposites. They can both be true at the same time. And you're allowed to hold both of them without apologizing for either one. And I know that other people, when we choose ourselves, might think that we're being selfish, but I want to remind you, and I want you to remind you that you're allowed to be grateful and hungry. You're allowed to be content and curious, proud of what you've built and excited about what's next. You're allowed to say, Me, it's my turn, and I want something for myself now. Not instead of the people you love, not at their expense, not because something is wrong with your life, just because you exist and you matter, and you are not done yet, my friend. And I appreciate you sticking with me through this passion. I listen,

Your Turn And How To Go Deeper

SPEAKER_00 20:44

you're not done yet, and you can choose you. This is the era of me. I would love for you to just say that to yourself. This is the era of me. Girl. Listen, if today's episode gave you permission for something you've been waiting to feel permitted for or it just resonated with you, let's get on my email list. That's where I keep this conversation going. Okay. That's where we connect. That's where I give more information. So you can go to rachelaparry.com forward slash not done yet. You get a little freebie in there. Uh the link is in the show notes. And listen, if you're ready to stop waiting for everyone around you to give you the green light, that's exactly what we do in a not done yet session. An hour and a half with me to figure out what you actually want, what's been stopping you, and what the next step is. That link is also in the show notes.