Not Done Yet is a podcast for midlife women who know their story isn’t finished. Through honest conversations about reinvention, purpose, and courage, this show will remind you that the life you’ve lived might be the very thing that leads you into what’s next.
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Who decided I was behind?
If you've ever looked around and thought...
"Everyone else seems further ahead than me."
This episode is for you.
This week, I'm unpacking something I've been quietly carrying myself: the feeling that somehow I'm behind.
Behind financially.
Behind professionally.
Behind compared to everyone else who seems to have life figured out.
But after an honest conversation with my sister about saving for our kids' college—and realizing the story I'd been telling myself wasn't even true—I started asking a different question:
Who decided I was behind in the first place?
In this episode, we talk about the invisible timeline so many of us are measuring ourselves against, why comparison is usually based on stories we've created, and why what feels like failure is often grief for the life we imagined we'd have by now.
We talk about:
Why so many women feel like they're "behind" in midlife
The invisible timeline we've inherited without realizing it
The vulnerable conversation I had about college savings and the assumptions I was making
Why comparison is almost always based on incomplete information
The difference between failure and grief
Learning to stop measuring your life against someone else's highlight reel
A simple question to ask the next time comparison creeps in
A question to take with you:
The next time you catch yourself thinking someone else is further ahead...
Ask yourself:
"Do I actually know that's true?"
Because maybe...
You're not behind at all. Maybe you're exactly where you're meant to be.
If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear from you.
Come find me on Instagram and tell me:
When have you felt "behind"... only to realize you were comparing yourself to a story you'd made up?
And if you know another woman who needs this reminder today, send her this episode. Because none of us were meant to carry midlife alone.
Midlife is weird. We shouldn't have to figure it out alone.
Get on the Midlife Meetups list to be the first to know when we're getting together near you or online. No networking. No awkward elevator pitches. Just real women, real conversation, and a reminder that you're definitely not the only one wondering what the hell is happening in this season of life.
Welcome to Not Done Yet, the podcast for midlife women who know deep down their story isn't finished. I'm your host, Rachel Perry, and here we're going to talk about what's really happening in this season of life: the identity shifts, the quiet questions, the courage it takes to listen to yourself again, what it actually looks like to step into what's next, and why our boobs are hitting our knees. If you've ever looked at your life and thought, wait, is this it? Girl, you're in the right place. Because midlife isn't the end of your story. It's the moment you start paying attention to it. So take a breath and let's talk about what's really going on and what you want to do with it. Because, sister, you are not done yet. Hey girl, hey! Welcome back to Not Done Yet, the podcast for midlife women who know deep down their story isn't finished yet. What? Today we're going to talk about something that I think a lot of us are quietly carrying around. And if you're not carrying it around, girl, you're amazing. But the question is, why do I feel so behind? Or another iteration of it, am I behind? Right? Like maybe behind financially, behind professionally, behind physically, behind compared to everyone else who seems to have their shit together. So I want to start by asking something that kind of goes along with this. It's a kind of challenge, if you will. Who decided I was behind? So if you ever think that, if you're like, oh, so-and-so
has this, like I feel so behind. Maybe you're not thinking those exact words, but you you get the idea. Let's let's just challenge that a little bit. Who decided you were behind? Because y'all know this is all very honest, very real, very raw, Rachel, that you're getting. And I'm obviously feel this way sometimes. I obviously feel this way sometimes. And if I'm being honest, I don't really know who decided I was behind. Like, who told me? Why? Who knows better than me? Do you know what I mean? Like, is there a list out there of things that you should have at the age of 51 and somehow I didn't make it? I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that's not the case. I was talking to my sister the other day when we were on vacation, and I was talking to her about college. And Caroline, who is a rising senior, wants to go out of state. And we told her that what we're gonna do is when we find out all the places that she got accepted, we're gonna tell her how much we have saved for her, and then she can decide what to do. So when I left my seven-figure partnership a few years ago, I knew that there would be some trade-offs. I knew I was choosing something that aligned more with who I wanted to become. And I knew that there would be some financial sacrifices while I built this business. I didn't anticipate it would take me quite as long. And one of the things that's really been weighing on me recently is that I don't have as much saved for my kids' college as I always imagined I would, right?
My parents were able to pay for my college and my brother and sisters, and and Mark's too. And I realized what a gift and a blessing that was. And I've always wanted to do that for my kids. And I I still believe I will. It just might take me a little longer than I thought. And this is really, oh my gosh, like sharing this feels it feels a little vulnerable, a lot vulnerable, actually, because this isn't something people talk about. And and I, but I I'm talking about it because I think if more people did talk about it, ever people wouldn't feel the way they do, or I wouldn't feel the way I do. So I caught myself thinking, oh my gosh, we're the only ones where our kids might have to get loans, especially in this area. We live in a pretty affluent area of Northern Virginia. Everyone seems to have beautiful cars, beautiful homes, you know, like their kids are driving Teslas and Jeeps. And it sometimes, and it's not a keeping up with the Joneses thing because we don't play that game, but I do think that it's I've created this story that everyone else has had these massive college funds sitting there waiting for their children, and that every parent was literally just writing checks every semester. And then I started talking to people, one of them, my sister, who has much younger children. But I realized that's not true. That's not even close. My sister has friends who choose not to save money for their kids because they themselves had to put themselves through college and they learned so much from it and they want their kids to have that same experience, right? So some parents choose not to pay for college because they want their kids to have skin in the game. Some simply can't. Some help a little, some help later. Some kids take loans, some kids work, some families figure it out one semester at a time. And I think I had this revelation, this thing that I've been quietly carrying around as proof that I was somehow behind and there was shame with it. That wasn't even true. It it made me wonder like, how many things am I comparing myself against that aren't even real? How many assumptions have I made about everyone else's life? Because I think we probably do this all the time. It's not just me. We assume everyone has more money than us. Everyone's everyone else's marriage is happier, everyone else's kids are thriving, everyone else knows what they're doing. Everyone else has their retirement all figured out. Everyone else feels confident, everyone else is ahead. But the truth is, y'all, we don't actually know, right? We're comparing our inside to someone else's carefully edited outside. And I'm not even going to say just they're edited outside. It's almost our perception of what their situation is, right? So we know what's going on with ourselves, and we're comparing it to this idea that we have based on maybe things that people say or do or share on social media, and that's what we compare it to. But then I started thinking about where this feeling of being behind even comes from. Because I do think most of us are carrying around an invisible timeline that we never consciously chose. And I've talked a little bit about this in previous episodes, probably the earlier ones. But, you know, we graduate, we get married, we buy the house, we have the kids, we build the career, we save enough, we retire, become grandparents, live happily ever after. Check, check, check, check, check. Except life almost never happens that neatly, right? Maybe you got divorced. Maybe you never had children. Maybe you're starting a business at 53.
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Maybe you're changing careers. Maybe you're caring for your aging parents. Maybe you're finally asking yourself what you want for the first time in
decades, and yet you still measure yourself against a timeline that you didn't even create. We're all doing that. We're all doing that. And y'all, we even, I was talking to a friend the other day who is feeling really just sort of heavy around how everyone in this stage of life seems to know better, right? Like, well, you should be on hormones. Are you not on hormones? Why are you not? Wait, you're wait, what? You're still getting your period? Like, what? Like you should be doing this, you should be doing that. And so we also are not just feeling behind, but we're also like, what am I doing? I'm doing it all wrong, right? Because we don't know what we're doing. Okay, it's just like raising kids. We don't know what we're doing if we're being totally honest, right? So another thought hit me along those lines. Maybe we're not actually feeling behind. Maybe we're grieving. This really resonates with me. And that's why I wanted to share it because I do think that this is something that I'm walking, walking through. Grieving the life that we imagined we'd have by now. Grieving the picture that we painted in our 20s. Did you ever do things like, I, you know what, when I'm 50, I'm never gonna da da da, right? I'm see that person over there, they're 50 and they're whatever. I'm never gonna be like that. And now we are, right? We grieve the picture that we painted for ourselves back in our 20s because those are two very different things. The life that we imagined and the life that we have. So you might think you're behind financially. Maybe you're grieving the retirement that you imagine, maybe you're grieving the empty nest with your spouse that you don't have now, or maybe you think you're behind professionally, or maybe you're grieving the career that you thought you'd have. You think you're behind personally, maybe you're grieving the version of yourself that you expected to become. But that's not failure. That's not failure, y'all. That's grief. Sit with that. And grief deserves
compassion, not comparison. And I don't want to be in this stage of life where all I do is grieve, right? But I do think that it's necessary for us to recognize this is what we're feeling. You know, it's midlife is so awesome. I really do love this stage, but I also hate this stage, if I'm being totally honest, because it feels like we're sort of in between, right? We've we've lived our like young life and now we're middle-aged, but we know what comes next, and that's being old. And you know, the things that come with being old. I don't want to be old. I'm watching my parents now, and my mom especially, I think, is really hating this process of aging. She's so determined. It's but it's not just her. I was watching hacks. Mark and I started watching hacks on HBO. And there was this one episode, I can't remember what season is, maybe three. And Jean Smart, who is the the actor who who I can't remember her name, the main character's name, Deborah, Deborah Vance. But she is like, I don't like this. I, you know, we can always say, one day I want to do this. One day I'm gonna do this, right? But and she's 70, I think, in the show or something close to that. And she goes, but I don't, I don't have that one day. Like it's now for me. And that hit so much because I thought that's kind of what it feels like. Like I'm scared to get to that point, if I'm being totally honest. I don't want to get to that point, but I want to enjoy where I am now. And obviously, I do want to get to that point because if I don't get to that point, then I died. Do you know what I'm saying? Oh, so I've caught myself doing this with my business, right? Like looking around and thinking, this is where I really struggle. She, you know, we started at the same time and she's so much further along, or she's growing so much faster. She knows exactly what she's doing. But then I have to remind myself, I'm comparing the middle of my story to someone else's chapter 50. Not because they're 50, but like chapter 20. I don't know what she sacrificed. I don't know how many years she's spent building. I don't know the conversations she's had behind
doors, closed doors. I'm comparing myself to a story that I've created. And that is huge for us to realize that because it sort of takes away the power that that idea that we're behind or that someone else is further along than we are, it has, right? Because it doesn't when you look at it like that. I was talking to a friend the other day, and I can't, I'm so annoyed that I said this, but I did. We were talking about someone who is very well to do. Everything she touches seems to turn to gold. And I said, and I literally hate that I said this, but I said, oh, it's so annoying how some people seem to just have it all. I hate that mentality. I hate it and I said it. I hate that mentality because everyone doesn't have everything handed to them. We might look at them and think that they do. And maybe there are some people that do. Okay. Maybe there are some people, yes, I'm sure there are people out there who get everything handed to them. But I'm gonna say, for the most part, that doesn't always happen. And truly, the people who do get everything handed to them have a very distorted version of reality. And I don't want that, you know? I don't want that. I also don't want to sink into that mentality that I am a victim or that everything, I everything is hard for me, but nobody else. Like I cannot stand that. When I tell you it pisses me off, I mean it pisses me off because that is bullshit. We can make our, well, I have the privilege, right? I have that privilege that I can make my life what I want it to make. And there are some people out there who do not have that privilege. And I do recognize that. I do recognize that. Coming from an educated family, I think that's I think truly that is what makes me mad is when people who do have privilege, who did grow up in a in a middle class home, who were, you know, given the gift of a college education, who did find a job when they got out of college, like, yo, that is, I mean, that's awesome. So I think it's when that happens, I don't want to fall into this victim mentality where it's like, you know, everyone else has it better than me. No. Uh-uh. Like, okay, clearly that's a hot spot for me. Whoa. Like, I don't even know if that really has anything to do with this episode. But it just, I, it annoyed me that I said what I said. It annoyed me. I was like, shut your face, Rachel. Shut your face. Stop talking like that. Stop talking like that. Because I think
that that's a dangerous path to go down, you know? When we start thinking that everybody else is better than us, everyone else gets better than me. And I listen, there are people in my life who do have that mentality over everything. And it gets old. It gets so old. I'm like, shut up. Pull yourself up and make things happen. It just come on. But that that's not what we're talking about today. Uh I do think it's important for us to recognize though, that we're not behind. We're not behind. We're right where we're supposed to be. Where you are right now is exactly where you're meant to be. If you are divorced and you're like, well, I didn't expect to be divorced at age 50, and I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm still trying to figure out how to do this life without my spouse. Girl, get it. You're rocking it out. Some of you might be like, well, you know, I had planned to travel and now I have cancer, and that's what my job is right now, is fighting cancer. Sister, you've got this. You've got this, right? There are so many people who are not where they thought that they would be or are dealing with hurdles that they didn't expect in midlife. And they look at others, hi, like I've I'm admitting that I've done it too, where we we look and go, okay, well, their life is better than mine, but I just call BS on that. And we're not behind, we're where we're meant to be. So here's a question that I'd love to leave you with this week. Or not even a question. I want you to a challenge, if you will. Okay. Well, let's just get it out, Rach. Just get it out. The next time you catch yourself thinking everyone else, or she's so, stop. And then ask yourself a question. Do I actually know that's true? So if you're scrolling on social media and you're like, wow, it must be nice. They're traveling on this amazing cruise and their kids are all perfect and they're all everything is perfect.
Do you actually know that's true? Or are you comparing yourself to a story that you've made up based on their highlight reel? Because I have a feeling a lot of us are measuring ourselves against lives that we don't actually understand. And maybe you're not behind at all. Maybe you're exactly where you need to be on your own timeline. And guess what? You are exactly where you're meant to be. Seriously. Seriously, you are where you're meant to be. So now let's make the most of it. Because we don't want to get to 70, 80 and be like, well, crap. I spent all my life thinking, or not all my life, but I spent my midlife thinking that I was behind. But why didn't I just make the most of it? Right? Let's stop comparing ourselves to other women. Let's stop. Let's celebrate. Let's celebrate each other and celebrate ourselves because you are right where you're meant to be. Girl, thanks for being here. I'm I'm excited for these conversations that we're having. I think they're so important. And I would love to hear from you. Like, come hang out with me on Instagram or comment on my post or whatever. Come and talk to me. Okay. Come talk to me. Tell me what you think of the podcast. I appreciate you so much. I adore you. Thanks for being here. I'll see you next week.
