S2E2: What If You’re Not Crazy? Trauma, Misdiagnosis, and Healing with Jesus

What if the problem was never that you were “crazy” — but that your body, spirit, and nervous system were responding to trauma all along?

In this episode, Megan Conrad Anaya shares her story of surviving coercive control, being drawn into a false narrative of mental illness, navigating years of failed treatment, and eventually uncovering deeper roots of trauma through physical, emotional, and spiritual healing. As gut issues, mold exposure, and childhood trauma came into focus, so did a radically different path to restoration — one that included surrender, truth, and a powerful encounter with Jesus in the middle of unbearable pain.

This conversation speaks to anyone who has questioned their own reality, felt trapped inside someone else’s story about them, or longed for healing that reaches beyond symptoms to the root.

Listener Note: This episode includes discussion of abuse, coercive control, trauma, spiritual struggle, childhood sexual abuse, and ritual abuse.

Power Back Here exists for the individual or couple ready to stop living in survival mode — and start choosing something entirely different.

This is the work of recognizing your trauma patterns, reclaiming your nervous system, and rebuilding the capacity to trust and develop intimacy in the relationships that matter most — with the Divine, with yourself, and with others.

So many of us have learned to white-knuckle it alone — that people aren't safe — while desperately longing for connection, meaning, and the power to bring something uniquely ours into the world.

Jesus Christ is the center of this work — a living, relational anchor who makes it possible to face all of human reality, receive unconditional love, and then offer that love to others. Sovereign love isn't something we manufacture. It's something we choose to receive — and live from.

If this is resonating and you're ready to go deeper with an experienced guide — for yourself or your marriage — reach out at www.meganconradanaya.com and let's talk next steps. 

We have the power to choose love, always. Power back here.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:25

Okay, so starting in about 2015, I had a series of experiences and family members, including my husband at the time, didn't know how to explain it. And as part of this process, I was I was becoming aware of and starting to put names and words around the abusive dynamics that I was experiencing, particularly at that time in my marriage, and separated from my husband in 2014. We spent a summer apart, we reconciled. I thought he understood like what the challenges were, what the problems were. He started to look at his trauma work that he needed to do with his family of origin, started to make some confrontations there. And looking back, I can see like the real turning point was when his family of origin started to push back on his new narrative and his calling them out on like what had happened and starting to like unpack and become conscious of those dynamics that he was replaying in our marriage with our children that triggered my leaving and separation. Um and he didn't keep pushing back against their narrative. So eventually, what I can look back and see was like he got kind of subsumed back into the family dynamic. And quietly, but surely over time, what I started noticing was his narrative about why we separated had changed. And it shifted slowly into not that like there was any dysfunctional pattern happening in the relationship or in our home, but that I was just mentally ill and unstable. Um, and I definitely had my own trauma and it definitely had a pattern to how it manifested, and it was really complex because I was also still living in traumatic dynamics that were triggering the past. And so it was it was very murky. Uh, but this this narrative got started that I was that explained like everything that happened as being my fault. And so the narrative became that I was bipolar. Eventually being immersed in that environment and um kind of leveraging other family members that I really trusted into this narrative as well. I believed it. I thought, okay, well, I've got bipolar, I'm gonna go get treated for it. So that began starting in like January of 2020. Um, sorry, not 2020, 2015. Was like finally kind of when I kind of succumbed to like maybe I just am bipolar. Maybe that's what explains everything. And so that started like uh a multi-year journey of like going to therapists, seeking out diagnoses, going to medications. Nobody could like find anything that actually would like help me not have mood swings, you know. Um, and as I started tracking these, like, doesn't make sense because medications aren't helping, and I can clearly track like when something happens with my husband, then I have a reaction and it looks like anxiety and it or it looks like depression, you know. So I'm like this seems event specific, but um uh nobody knew what to do with me in the mental health system, and I had this really strong narrative at home and in extended family that like this was the answer, this was the solution. And so I'm like, well, then let's fix it and I'm gonna, if it's me, I'm gonna fix it. So um that was a really challenging time frame and tried every kind of medication when bipolar didn't work, then was maybe it was like bipolar two, maybe it's bipolar one, maybe it's rapid cycling, maybe it was actually schizoaffective, maybe this is delusions, maybe there's like pieces of delusions of grandeur because at this time I got also can look back and see my spiritual gifts and talents were starting to emerge. And um because the things that I was coming to understand or being shown didn't match the family narrative about who they thought they were, and the narrative was definitely like we are healthy, whole, happy people, and that kind of stuff doesn't happen here. And I'm like, well, this, but it is happening, and I'm seeing it, I'm calling it out, and so a lot of that was happening at the same time in mental modern mental health didn't have any language for like what is happening in genuine spiritual experiences. They just had like conclusions of like maybe this is psychopathology and hearing voices and things. So I'm like, maybe it is, and I sort of shut that door like hard. I'm like, maybe there's nothing. I remember not even being willing to uh pray. I was still immersed in a religious uh framework of like you need to pray and be seeking personal revelation. I was like, I won't even go there, you know, I won't even ask for anything anymore. I will pray because I'm supposed to, but like I'm not even gonna open that door because I don't know how to make sense of it because my confidence in myself was so completely destroyed in my ability to hear or just discern or to connect to anything outside of myself, even within myself. So it really was a a very looking back, a very meticulous way to groom me into abdicating absolutely every decision. And now I know that that has words like coercive control. Uh, but I didn't know. I didn't know. I just know like I was so terrified. And the the narrative was that I had harmed so deeply my family and family members and people I cared about by uh saying what I was saying or things, seeing things the way that I saw them, and um that I couldn't be trusted. So I just abdicated power to stay safe and also to stay housed and to stay financially supported and to stay the mother of my children, uh, which it was very clear if I pushed too hard that I was all of that was gonna be taken away from me. Um, definitely. So it was it was part of all that journey. I had just like put my blinders on. I'm like, all right, so I'm just very mentally ill. I'm just gonna need medication the rest of my life, so we're just gonna find the best medications we can. And that's the place I was in. The longer I was on all kinds of medications, though, the more reactions I was having, the more side effects, and the more my physical health was really, really deteriorating. And so I was trying to address that through traditional medical model systems, and my thyroid started to go haywire, like visibly, noticeably, had a huge goiter and then developed cysts in my thyroid. And we were getting ready to the point where, like, if medications wasn't helping, which they were not like helping or address anything, then we were gonna start having a biopsy. And at that point, my younger sister was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Like, well, I what I'm doing obviously is not working, and I'm not ready to deal with cancer, so I've got to figure this out. I was just really like so in that space, like I described, like so confused, so trying to figure it all out, taking in so many information, so much information, so many opinions, and professionals and everything, and doing all the things right, and nothing was working. And then at that point, I kind of just I remember finally praying over it and being like, I just don't know what else to do. And it was one of the first during this phase, like one of the first answers that I got um to prayer that I was willing to kind of open to, and I just clearly heard the words um in response to this prayer, heal your gut. I'm like, what does that mean? I don't even know. Okay, but I started researching. Um, eventually I learned all about like leaky gut syndrome. I started working with a functional medicine doctor. We made like slow but steady um incremental changes to like my diet, took some targeted supplements. Eventually, she diagnosed me with um leaky gut syndrome. We started addressing that, started getting better, and then she's like, Okay, your symptoms should be resolving sooner than what they are. So I'm curious if something else is going on. And then she started like asking me questions about if you've ever been exposed to mold in your house. And I was like, I don't think so. And I started thinking, I was like, yeah, actually, we remilled, we redid this like master bathroom a couple years ago because the wall caved in because there was mold all behind the tiles you couldn't see it. And I'm pretty sure that the bathroom right next to it has the same issue. Um, so I was like, Yeah, I might actually be still really deeply exposed to mold in my home. And um that was a whole that's a whole story eventually. I was like, no, I we are redoing this bathroom if I'm gonna have to do it all by myself. Uh you couldn't see it though, because like they had just put tiles straight on the drywall for the shower surround. And once I broke into the wall, it was so so full of mold. And I just remember that moment being like, okay, I'm not crazy. Yeah, there's mold exposure in here. Because that was a fight to even like argue that I think there's mold back here. Um I wasn't believed. So continue to work on this process, and as I did it, it was course of it was over the course of about 18 months to two years, um, just focusing on the gut health issues. Like my thyroid healed, the goiter uh resolved, the cysts resolved, um, the weight that I had been gaining consistently came off. And I had to go off of the thyroid medications I was taking because my thyroid started working again. Um I was able to come off of all of my psychopharmaceutical medications, and I was more stable and steady than I'd ever been, even on them. My hair started to grow back, so many different things, right? And so that was very confidence inspiring to kind of get my physical health under control in a way that hadn't been for probably about 10 years. And as I was like starting to feel better and reap the benefits of all that physical healing that I had followed through on, I started to have experiences of being very, very triggered and having old, very early childhood trauma come up. And what I realized was by healing the physical, I had enough resources and resilience now to look at some of this emotional and also relational and spiritual wounding that I had experienced and how interconnected they were. Because one thing that was absolutely fascinating to me to learn about leaky gut syndrome is it's essentially an inversion in the way the gut is designed to work. And here's what I mean. Um, in leaky gut, the walls themselves of the intestines are designed to um allow nutrients to pass through the lining into the body to be absorbed and nourish the body, and they're also though designed to keep all the toxins that your body is either clearing or creating or um releasing from your body. It's designed to keep all that in the intestinal um system so you can evacuate it out, right? Literally, like get rid of it. That's how you detox is you get it out of your body. Your body has a system of like collecting it all and then moving it out. And so when the lining of the intestinal wall is leaking, it actually does exactly the opposite of what it was supposed to do. It won't let nutrients into your body like it needs to, it'll just pass right through you, so you're not getting nourished. And then the toxins that it's supposed to keep out actually leak. That's the leaky part. They leak into your back into your system, so you can't effectively detox. And so I had healed that physical pattern in my heel, in my gut. And what I was shown as I was working to heal through these triggered um, these triggers that came up, these flashbacks in these early childhood memories of really intense abuse with my grandmother. Um, what I was shown is that set that was like a physical pattern, my gut, that was also happening at like the spiritual and emotional level in my system. And here's what I mean: my grandmother was masterful at looking like she was all put together. As a child, um, my parents, in my mind, in my experience, they were they were not desirable. They didn't have much money, they didn't pay me much attention, they were dealing with their own trauma. Um, and the opportunity as a young child to go to grandma and grandpa's house was awesome. They had this awesome, beautiful house. It was super clean. Um, they had a lot more money than my parents had. I felt treated like a princess. They would buy me all kinds of things, they would buy me clothes and food, and we'd go to restaurants with something I never got to do with my parents. And I had all their attention to myself because I usually would go over by myself. And um my grandmother had these beautiful um collections of all kinds of things out I like we never even owned at home. And if we did own something nice, I wasn't allowed to touch it, right? So it was like she had these beautiful, very feminine um uh what do they call it, porcelain dolls, and I just was like so enthralled, and she had all this beautiful dress up and Barbies, and I was super into Barbies, and we didn't have many Barbies because they're expensive, but she had like all the accessories, and I was like, oh my, it was like total, total incredible place for me as a kid. And what I started realizing was it was like the story of um Hansel and Gretel and the gingerbread house. My grandmother's house was like the gingerbread house, and the way that that really came to me was having very clear and very distinct memories of being sexually abused by her come back to my awareness. And over time, this is the way I experience memory work, is like the easiest layers, quote unquote, come back into awareness first. And the more you process and heal through those, then what comes up are like the harder, deeper, deeper ones. So over the course of I would say probably four years, like the first things that came back were like these kind of what I thought were really extremely disorienting and painful memories of just kind of like what I now consider like not to dismiss it, but just kind of garden variety sexual abuse with my grandmother, um, gave way to deeper and deeper layers of her active role and participation in luring me into organized cult rituals. And being kind of the feminine maternal uh figure that the cult would use to get me to participate and to participate willingly and with this little resistance or um uh what's the word? I'll go with resistance for now, but like it was very clear that different members of the cult and in different settings wanted me to respond in different ways, and she was used instrumentally to get me to facilitate a different response depending on whatever that person in charge of that particular aspect of the ritual was wanting. So um, my malleability, I guess she was used to facilitate that as well, so that I didn't just check out and dissociate, they wanted me to be active and participating in but in a very specific way, so she was used to facilitate that, and the the mixture of um what looked like nourishing nutrition from my grandmother and also this extremely toxic um perversion of nurturing feminine relationship in my life, it not only was like um painful, but it was like it was like my gut physical issue was being mirrored in the emotional and spiritual issue. And it was looking like I was realizing in my present life as an adult, I was attracting female relationships that mirrored that dynamic as well, where they look like so put together, but really they were actually having a very toxic effect on me, and I couldn't set boundaries and um protect myself from the toxic, and also though I wasn't able to take in anything nourishing either. So it was this flip, this inversion, this spiritual inversion. Um, and I remember just sitting with like, I mean, because at this time I had done so many years of like EMDR therapy and like really deep trauma work. Um, and I knew all the tools and I knew how to do it. And so um, I think I was still working with my therapist at the time that I had I had um to process some of these and also things were coming through on their own. And so I was really deep in like that level of work. Um, but I couldn't move through the anger, I couldn't move through this deep gut-wrenching grief, and I couldn't like I couldn't find a way to like process it and then come back to the present. It wasn't really until I started to really have nowhere else to go except for like straight to God for understanding, and at the point where I was deeply just kind of really, I would say like it was kind of a combination of like backed into a corner, but also like broken beyond my capacity to use any of my previous tools anymore to be present and be functional, and it really was like after the point where this long-term therapist I had been working with retired in them during the middle of COVID. And I've mentioned, I think, in previous episodes, but um I didn't have anywhere else to go. And I was in a position where not functioning was not an option, so I had to figure it out, and that was when it really was like God was like, knock, knock, knock, okay, are you ready? Let me show you what I see as going on here. Are you ready for this deeper layer? And it was pretty devastating to open that door because it meant having now to come to terms with something that I had struggled with my whole life of like, why did God let this happen? And it really required me to open that door to what I realized like was holding back this like flood, this tide, this huge tide of like anger at him and resentment and bitterness of like, why did if you love me, why did you let all this happen? And where where were you? Like, where were you? And I don't care that you were with me, you know, like you let this happen, and this was not okay, and like this damaged trust, and I can't believe this happened. So um it really was. I felt like he very much made it my choice as to whether or not I wanted to hear what he had to say, but he also put me in a position where I was pretty desperate to hear it. I could have chosen to keep numbing and shut it all down, um, but it would have cost me the physical health that I was just starting finally to regain, and it would have cost me uh my capacity to feel. I would have had to go back into totally numb, which the medications had done for me. But as I was now off of them and all of this like repressed stuff was coming up and ready to be dealt with, like I would have had to used very intentional, like numbing tools to shove it all back down and just really turn myself into a robot, right? And I re-could tell when I was doing that because it would show up like instantly with my relationship with my children because I couldn't be empathetic anymore with them. I couldn't access my emotions to mirror and attune and attach with them. So I wasn't willing to do that. So it was kind of like, you know, he like cornered me and all these angles, but also was like so deeply broken, um hearted, and shattered on the inside of like devastated, and I didn't know how to process this. So I remember um in this space, and it was like right after one of the very first memories of um my grandmother being the one to bring me into a formal cult ritual and then processing like what happened there and how she was involved and what was done and what I was made to do, and just like whole like it was, I want to say it was like my first one, my first like full-on. Like there are multiple places where I experienced like full ritual cult ceremonies, they were very formal ceremonies, and this was one of the very first ones that I experienced in what I call the grove. It was like a clearing of trees um in the middle of nowhere, and um the things that happened there are distinct from things that happened other places, and she was the one who took me there, and I remember the moment when, like walking through this memory, like that's what I saw. It was like how I was three, and she was the one who was leading me by the hand into this grove. And I just couldn't process it. Like, I didn't even understand how like I had always thought she loved me. And it was like, how now do I make this distinction between God who's supposed to love me, and he let this happen, versus this human figure who was supposed to love me and did this on purpose. Like I it was so confusing, and I remember um everything was weighing so heavily on me that I wasn't able to function, and I remember. That day laying on my bed, desperately wanting to get up and be able to just move through the day, and literally feeling physically paralyzed and not able to do it. And finally just praying saying it was like I knew there was like this little prompting inside of me. The spirit was like, We need to go here. We need to look at this. And I'm gonna like meet you there. And I was like, No way, I don't want to see that anymore. I don't want to see anything more about it. Like, if there's more to it, there's no way I'm gonna go that. You know, it's like, oh my gosh, it was already as bad as I could possibly imagine. Way worse. So I'm not going there again. And in that moment, it was like, okay, all right, like I don't have anything else in me. Like, that's fine, I'll just do it. And I remember um I was laying on the bed, like on the very edge, and like the edge of the bed was on my right side, and my right hand was like by my side, like laying there, kind of hanging off a little bit. And I remember just like the way that the like internal like acceptance and release, surrender, I guess, of like, okay, fine, we'll go there. I'm gonna stop running from this. I'm gonna stop fighting it. So we'll just I'll just let it get as bad as it's gonna it's gonna get. And okay, whatever. If you're not there for me, okay. If like it kills me, okay. Like it was like this really deep release, and it was almost like feeling like I had literally like fallen through the floor. It was like this deep physical visceral sense of like floating down. And in my mind's eye, it was almost like I could see, like, I was just floating into this really deep dark abyss that I've been trying so desperately to stay out of. And when I got to like the sensation of like being at the bottom, bottom in the darkest pit. I'm still in the bed. I know I'm in my body, but like I'm also having this this like extra experience. I see in my mind the savior walk into the room. At this point, I'm like, I'm gonna, I'm in the abyss. If I'm hallucinating, okay. Whatever. You know, I'm like, I don't know what's happening, but it was like such a crystal clear visual of him walking into the room. And I see him stop. He's standing to my right, I'm laying on the bed, where my hand is kind of hanging off a little bit, and I see him like like crouch a little bit and reach out to grab my hand. My eyes are closed, and in my mind, though, as I see him reach out to grab my hand, I feel like in my physical hand, like somebody's holding my hand. And I remember being in such a state emotionally of like noticing that, but then being like, huh. Uh just I don't know what that means, you know, but feeling it and also um wanting it to be real. But there was a very clear physical sensation with the visual that I was seeing. Okay, I'm holding my hand. Um, and so at that point began a dialogue between me and Jesus. And I don't remember if I said it out loud or just in my mind, you know, but um essentially like me saying, like, this is where I'm at, like emotionally, is like I feel like every part of me is like reliving what happened with this grandmother walking me into this grove. And um I know as I had processed the memory to this point of like knowing, and then my mind it was kind of like a movie of like I know she's standing with me outside the edge of this grove, and I know horrible things happen in there. And I kind of had walked through the memory of like the way memories come back for me is like the often come back, is like almost like a movie, and without the emotion, without the narrative, without the anything, it's just kind of an awareness of what happened, and then the spirit will take me back and like work through it. EMDR has a similar process, but like for me, um when the spirit walks me through memories, it's it's a slightly different process. Um so so I kind of knew what was in there, but like now it was like I needed to go into the grove and I needed to deal with a deeper level, not just an awareness of some of what happened, but like the emotional um experiences that I had split off and also the meaning of what it meant that I had like buried. And I knew that was the hardest part. The awareness of what has happened in any of the memories I processed is not ever the hardest part. It feels like the hardest part, but then you realize, like, oh, the harder part is like what it meant, and the emotional experience of what it is and the relational experience, those are the hardest parts. So it was like Jesus was like, okay, we got to go through this. And I'm like, I I just felt I felt his hand still holding mine. I could see him in my room, and I also could simultaneously see me uh at the threshold of this grove with my grandmother, the three-year-old me, holding her hand about being ready to leave be led into this place. And I was like, I can't go in there. I knew though that if I wanted to come back into present life and start functioning again, I needed to go there. But I was frozen and I was terrified, and I knew I wasn't gonna be able to handle whatever was in there, and so um I remember the dialogue with Jesus at this time. It was like, how about we go in together? And it was like he was asking me, like, are you willing to trust me to go with you in here? I was like, hmm. And I was like, Okay, yeah, you're gonna hold my hand, and he's like, Yeah. So I see him in my room in the present day, holding my hand, and then I see us like in my mind's eye move to where now instead of three-year-old me and my grandmother standing there at the threshold of this grove, it's adult me and Jesus. And I'm willing to walk into it at that point with him, and um at this point, the visual I saw turned into symbolism, and so sometimes uh I'm usually pretty aware of like when I'm being shown something that is literal and when it's symbolic. So at this point I knew it was symbolic, and the literal visual that I had seen previously of this experience was um it was the cult members had created a circle and they had an altar, and it looked just like the altars that later as an adult, like I had seen in like LDS temples, they had one of those just like that. I don't know where they got it from. I don't know. They were part of the LDS church like during the day, been doing these cult things at night, so maybe they had connections, I'm sure. But um, they were doing all of their rituals and blood rites and human sacrifices and things on this altar, and I had been very involved in all of that. Um, and I had seen all of that previously, so I knew that's part of what was going on. So we in this like second time around with Jesus holding my hand, we were walking into this grove, and I see the altar, but then I see it symbolically, and what I see him teach me is like I go and I get on as an adult meet, I get on the altar and I'm laying like face up. Um, and he's he's like showing me how he had used and allowed this experience that happened when I was three as a way to grow me, shape me. Um, and it's hard to put into words because it wasn't something that were words, it was very felt on like an emotional and a spiritual level understanding, and there was a lot of love in the room um and in the experience. Um so that was kind of the understanding, and as I'm laying on this altar and I'm I'm understanding like he's in charge of what happened and what is happening, and he has like loving reasons for for letting me go through this. I'm seeing like the weight symbolically of like this experience crushing me, right? And and I'm like feeling it again, the wave of like all the grief and all of the everything I was processing was so heavy, and it was like crushing me. And I remember my hand was still holding his, and I I've got my hand holding his, and I'm like looking to him, and I'm like, okay, I'm surrendered, I'm here, like what's happening? And what I see is um the like the visual of the symbolic weight of what that experience was that was crushing me. I look over at him and I see it's so big that it's it's touching him too. So like I'm laying prone with my face up and it's like it's like on me, smashing me, but he's like standing next to me, just like he was in the bed in my room. Um, but he's standing next to me on the laying on the altar, and he's still holding my hand, and I see him like crouching, and it's he's like got it on his shoulders too, and like this visual and the understanding was that like he was holding the bulk of the weight of that experience, and he was letting just enough of it to be felt and experienced by me because it was going to help me, it was going to give me experience, it was going to teach me, it was going to help me to grow and mature and um advance, I guess. There weren't words, it just was my understanding, right? Um, but that understanding of like not only was he with me in it, but he was feeling it, and he was also protecting me from the full weight of everything. That like what I was experiencing was only even just a taste of what really was there. That gave me a new understanding of what it really means when we say things like Jesus atoned for us, Jesus suffered for us, Jesus took upon him the weight of our sins, that with his stripes we are healed. I understood in like a personal, relational way, what that meant for me. And a piece of the trust wound I will say that I carried between me and him most of my life was resolved in that moment when I realized his love and care for me was not theoretical or at a distance. It was very personal and it was very um expensive for him, and he was happy to pay it at the cost, but also part of that cost for him was allowing me to be exposed to some of that as well. So that was the first time I really saw how bringing Jesus in a relationship with him, allowing surrendering, I should say, is not even bringing surrendering to um allowing Jesus to enter into deep suffering changed my experience of it in a way that no other tool had ever been able to touch before. After that experience um finished, I remember feeling the weight of my soul off and sitting up. And it only been a couple of hours this whole process, and previous layers of memories that I had processed, even less intense than that, um, had taken me sometimes months, weeks, days to process through before I felt like I could start to slowly return to daily life. A couple of hours, and I sat up and I went back into the fray of running a very busy, full household in the middle of COVID. Um with joy in my heart and lightness in my mind and clarity and peace. Um it was amazing, really amazing. Yeah. So the next time, which I'll talk more about next episode, that I noticed all the signs of like, oh, there's another memory to go through and process. I was much more, much more prompt to be like, okay, all right, I'm not gonna spend any time dink around with numbing or avoiding or doing all the things I normally do when this is coming up. Like, let's go, Jesus. Let's rock this. Yeah, because I knew he was gonna meet me there. So I hope this experience has been helpful for you as I've shared this and uh look forward to sharing more with you.