S2E4: This Is Not What I Wanted: Jesus, Surrender, and the Healing I Couldn’t Reach Any Other Way

What do you do when the outcome you never wanted still happens — and you cannot pray, fix, argue, or force your way out of it?

In this deeply personal episode, Megan Conrad Anaya shares what it was like to face a reality she never wanted and could not change, and how that process of surrender began exposing deeper wounds Jesus had been waiting to heal all along. What first felt like devastation and loss became something far more intimate: a lived, relational experience of Jesus as a real and present being who did not stand at a distance from her suffering, but entered it with her, helped her grieve, and walked her into greater freedom, joy, and connection with both Him and herself.

This episode is for the listener living inside an outcome they did not choose and do not want, who is slowly realizing that the deepest pain may not only be the loss itself, but the wounds it exposes underneath. Megan explores how unwanted circumstances can uncover the places where bitterness, control, fear, and old hurt still live in the body and spirit — and how surrender, when done with Jesus rather than alone, can become the doorway to a kind of healing and inner freedom that would not have been possible any other way.

Power Back Here exists for the individual or couple ready to stop living in survival mode — and start choosing something entirely different.

This is the work of recognizing your trauma patterns, reclaiming your nervous system, and rebuilding the capacity to trust and develop intimacy in the relationships that matter most — with the Divine, with yourself, and with others.

So many of us have learned to white-knuckle it alone — that people aren't safe — while desperately longing for connection, meaning, and the power to bring something uniquely ours into the world.

Jesus Christ is the center of this work — a living, relational anchor who makes it possible to face all of human reality, receive unconditional love, and then offer that love to others. Sovereign love isn't something we manufacture. It's something we choose to receive — and live from.

If this is resonating and you're ready to go deeper with an experienced guide — for yourself or your marriage — reach out at www.meganconradanaya.com and let's talk next steps. 

We have the power to choose love, always. Power back here.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:25

So as I've been continuing going through this healing journey and working more and more with Jesus through experiences from my past, being taught things about the present and um understanding my connection in like ancestral and um like bigger picture organized organizations and systems going on. Um also healing patterns and and uh beliefs and habitual ways of like coping with the world and is stirring up really intense chaos and um distress in my marriage. And it escalates to the point where um taking legal action is something that becomes very imminently necessary, and that begins like my journey in the court system and family court system and that whole process. And um I remember one of the times years before this when I had tried to take just a few days. I was a full-time stay-at-home mom of all the children, and I I needed to take a few days of like a break. We had been in like constant conflict in the relationship, and I was really feeling like I was losing myself completely and couldn't understand why I was so emotionally distraught and devastated. And needed, I came to me, I needed this, like I needed to take a couple days um to go visit my parents with the kids. Uh, I had a nursing baby, you know, so it was like not like I was like going to leave them, like they came with me. I was a stay-at-home mom. So um, and all the kids were really little at this time, and I remember um my husband at the time rushed home. I told him, like, hey, I'm gonna take a couple days um to go visit my parents, kind of clear my head. He rushed home, and just as I was about to pull out of the driveway, he blocked my car with his car, and I was like completely shocked. And um, he starts taking my baby out of her car seat, and um, he's holding her, and he's saying, like, you are free to leave, but you will not leave with the children. Um, and I just that wasn't the first time something like that had happened where he had made it absolutely clear that the children were his, and I was never going to basically get out of that relationship with them. And any of my like attempts to bring resolution or make him treat me better or um have any kind of like accountability for the harm that was being done in the relationship, like that would come back down to it of like, well, you're free to go, but the kids are staying here. So when this divorce process started in 2022, um and trying to make amicable negotiations happen for shared custody, um, that that wasn't a reality. And so the first court decision that came as part of like custody processes that would go on over the next couple almost two years, um, the courts put a temporary custody order in place and gave him 80% of their time. And I was completely shocked and devastated. Uh they're not even adequate words, especially given all of the extenuating circumstances and evidences and active investigations and things were happening. Um, I couldn't I could not make sense of it in my brain of how um what I to that point had thought in my mind was like a source of help and justice, uh, how that could happen. I didn't know anything, which unfortunately I know a lot about now, about how family court systems actually function typically, and the likelihood of a woman um who is bringing forth issues and allegations of physical and domestic interpartner violence and abuse are is like 60% likely to lose her children's custody through the family court system. So it's I didn't know any of that. And so it was like such an enormous shock. I remember literally feeling like it was um like a shock, like that I need to be treated for, like uh like a bomb literally just went off, and my physical body felt that same way, and uh it was in like the the following days after that. I ended up having like the weekend to myself in my parents' house at the time. Um it was very, very, very quiet. And I knew like if I didn't get on top of this, it was not gonna be good. Um, kind of in that realized, like if you're working with a very, very sharp knife and you realize like you just snicked a major artery, like you got to do something fast. It was kind of like one of those things I knew I didn't have time to like just let this kind of sit. I had to process this. And so um, in that kind of a place, I remember, like I've said before, at this point, like I'm seeing like the savior in my mind consistently. Um, but uh I didn't know, I still didn't know like how to deal with this this most recent development and our relationship, my relationship with him, like I didn't make sense. So I remember feeling the prompting of to like sit down and watch The Passion of Christ, the a movie like it come out when I was like a teenager and it was like rated R, and I was like, there's no way the spirit is actually gonna ask me to do that because like my religion at the time was like you should never watch rated R movies are bad for you. And I was like, okay, is the spirit really telling me to do this? Like, I don't know. At this point, I was like, whatever. If that's what I'm hearing hearing, I feel like I'm gonna go with it. So I remember as I'm watching that video or that movie, and like it had never like clicked with me in this way as it did in this moment. Like it's like almost like seeing it for the first time and realizing like Jesus literally went through an extremely corrupt, unfair, unjust court process. And given that that's what I literally had just experienced, it was the beginning of the experiences that it would come, but that that like that was what was happening. I was like, oh, it became real and personal in a way that like the stories in the scriptures of his like death and crucifixion and all that things like hadn't hit. I was like, oh, so it was like now I intimately knew what it was like to have somebody taking things that I had said and twisting them and then using them as justification to strip me of things that were in my right and to lie, like bald-faced lie, not even just take things that were partially true and twist them, but that to bald facably lie and um I remember at this moment, like as I started to be moved emotionally, which was good because at this point to this point I had been like so numb, like I knew like this was dangerous. So I was feeling some of this emotion to start to move, and I'm starting to feel the pain, but also there's enormous bitterness under it. It's like um it's like uh I just saw like a video of um like a farrier who is work was working with uh the hoof and it like had had a rock had embedded in it, and then like that rock had like worked its way deeper and deeper into the hoof and then created this huge like abscess like underneath in the inside of the hoof. I was like, I knew it was like that, but it was interesting the farrier was saying, like, yeah, but there probably was a crack there first before the rock found it and stuck in it, and then started working its way in. And I was like, okay, so I know that like either there's this little crack now that's been opened a little bit, uh, but underneath there's like this huge festering like bitterness under here. I'm like, oh, this has got to be exposed, like we've got to deal with this. And one of the things that was really um festering inside of me, this bullet this thought, this story was like, it's unfair. It's unfair, and like this idea in my relationship with God that like if God loves me, he will be fair. And it was like another moment when it hit me. I was like, this dialogue with the spirit, like I can see Jesus in my mind, and like the spirit is speaking with me at this point. It's more of like a sensation and like an impression of words, the way the spirit feels to me. It was like I heard the spirit say, like, was your experience really that unfair? Do you really want it to be fair? And in that moment, it was like every mistake I'd ever made as a mother, every way that I'd ever acted outside of my integrity, every every flaw and weakness and moment of uh falling short kind of like came up in my mind and my memory. And it was like instantly being compared, myself being compared to him, Jesus, on the screen, you know, and also like I'm seeing in my mind like him in front of me, and like hitting me so hard, like he didn't have any of that on his record. That like what happened in my situation, yes, was very unfair and wasn't um wasn't a just decision, but also like if we're if I'm just gonna be comparing myself to Jesus, which is what I was doing at that moment, of like basically calling out to God and saying, like, my situation is so unfair, like you need to fix it. Like, I'm the only one who's ever experienced something so unfair and unjust. It was like instantly the spirit was like, Is it really that unfair, Megan? It's actually like challenging me of like, do you think God didn't love Jesus? Is that why he went through that process of such extreme injustice? And it was like, oh okay, instantly it was like I'm putting back in my place, you know, of like, oh, I'm not I'm not an innocent victim, and also like an instant humbling of like I need him, I need him because I am not spotless, and uh it was it wasn't like rewriting and saying like you deserved this, no, because it was still I've continued to feel the spirit like reaffirm like this is not just, this is not fair, you didn't deserve this, but it was a way the spirit could work with me to heal this reservoir of bitterness that I had in there that I had been working out with him for a long time, uh, that was that was blocking my ability to trust him and to surrender to him and to feel at peace in every circumstance and let go of control no matter what the outcome was going to be. Like that, I can look back and see. Like he was really trying to work that process with me because he wanted me to come into deeper surrender and deeper relationship with him so he could teach me more things and he could help me not suffer so much. Like the ancestors that I had seen that I talk about last episode, like it was so sad they wouldn't take him in. And I was beginning to understand, like, oh, the process of taking him in is really vulnerable and really painful to surrender control of the outcome. That was hard. Uh yeah, um, yeah, so definitely in that moment, like a new depth and awareness. And um, as things continued to happen in the courts, they got one way of looking at it is like they kept getting worse and worse. The court process kept making things more and more unfair and more and more final. Um, and every time something new would happen, I'd have to go right back and be like, okay, God, I'm gonna like lose it and I can't afford to lose it. So we gotta deal with this like right now. Like, this is artery level like damage. So, like, what do you got? Um, and he would teach me like how he was seeing it, which was very different from how like the attorneys involved, and even myself and other family members were seeing it as like he's like, This is not a tragedy, this is temporary, and I will bring your children back to you. And basically, I want you to endure this process. Okay, so I remember one day I'm just really like, I mean, rumination was so challenging, it was so hard to stay out of rumination, but I just like building arguments of like what I would say to that judge again, or what I'm gonna say in this like next document, or what I'm gonna like, how I'm gonna prove it, and and how I'm gonna like prove my side, and how I'm gonna like argue for what I need and blah blah blah. It's like it was just so so much. I remember one time just um really in deep prayer and meditation, just begging for like help to be free from this rumination, and um really just very humbly being like, okay, whatever we gotta do, like what do we gotta do? And I remember in my mind, Jesus in front of me, which I was pretty consistently seeing, but the visuals shifted and changed, and like I I felt him like move closer to me and grab my hand again, which was something he like I started to learn, like he would do a lot. It was like a kind of this, it could mean different things at different times, but like in this moment I knew it was him like inviting me to go somewhere with him. And I'm like, okay, so I was in this room at the time with like this really tall, beautiful ceiling and um like a giant cupola above me. And I remember in my mind, like I saw him come to me, come closer to me and grab my hand and like invite me to go up with him. I'm like, yeah, I want to go up with him. And like in my mind, I saw him like go up, like straight through this beautiful ceiling and like up into the sky above. And then like the understanding was like um he was wanting to bring me to a place where I could see everything and have a bigger picture and like go to new heights and like new levels of of understanding and experiencing with him. Um and I was like, Yes, I want that. Like I can feel that, like I want to go there with you. And um, and so I could like in in just a brief like flash, like I saw that whole thing fold out, but then like it was like I came back to where I was sitting and like I realized like he was holding my hand, it was like I was stuck, like he was inviting me to this thing, but like I couldn't go. And I was like, I want to go with you, but how do I go with you? And like I felt him direct me to look at my feet, and I looked down my feet in my mind, and I can see uh my feet are encased in like what look like huge cement blocks, like each one almost like a shoe, but like rectangles, you know, like big rectangle blocks on my feet, the cement, and they were keeping me stuck, they were keeping me weighted down, you know, like so I couldn't go up with him like I wanted to go. Like he was inviting me to go, and I was like, okay, well, how do I like so it was very symbolic, right? We're inter symbology land. Um, and so I'm like, okay, I'm asking him, okay, what do I need to do to like is this something I need to release? Like, how do I deal with this? How do I let these go? I want to come up with you. And the instant understanding and the words I heard were, um, it's your bitterness again. You need to let go of your bitterness to come with me. I'm like, okay, yeah, I want to let it go. What do I do? And I saw in my mind, I saw myself just release this torrent of tears, and I saw it like flow down me and like land on these shoes, and I saw it was like my tears had the power to melt this cement. So I let them flow, and they melt these cement shoes, and and then I feel like in my body, once they're they're like melted, like a release, and I feel myself like now I'm able to go up and and go with him to these heights that he's been inviting me to, and I can see in my mind like moving up with him and uh flying with him, and just the visceral feeling of how free and good and beautiful and wonderful, and I was so excited to go with him and see what he had to show me, and like this really deep sense of being made free, and um the excitement and the possibility that were coming because I could go with him. And um, during this like flying piece of the vision, like I looked at my feet again and like had like these beautiful ballerina slippers on, you know, like this like symbol of like very beautiful, graceful, um, lovely capacity now to like move through my life. And it's interesting because that same like understanding would come back in so many different layers and different ways, as I would like them like those vision moments can feel so beautiful, wonderful, peaceful, but then like it's like being on the mountaintop, then there's another valley, you know. Uh, and so at one point later, when the temporary custody became final and even actually more unfair and um restrictive of my time with my children than the temporary orders had been, uh I realized that that vision was kind of another way for like the spirit to plant seeds of understanding and surrender in my mind and spirit because my consistent answer when I would go and say, like, why is it happening this way? Is it because I did something, or is it like I don't understand why you're doing this, right? It was so hard for me to understand it and so painful. And just the consistent answer was, I'm setting you free. I'm setting you free. And I still, it took me another, after that point, another two years to even really understand what that meant. But essentially, he was using this unjust way beyond my worst-case scenario court process to free me literally as well as spiritually and emotionally, psychologically, but physically and financially in a way that he needed because he had a big move planned for me on multiple levels. But I would uh later be very clearly directed to uproot and move away and move across the country. And um as time would go on after that move, I would start to understand why it had to be that way, and um realize just how much of like a new start and a new life and healing that God had planned for me in this new place. Um, but it sure didn't feel that way. And I know part of that process and journey that it was shown in that vision, kind of at the beginning of that process, was absolutely I had a choice to make. I could see what was going on and what was being done that I had no control over, and name it as the um injustice that it was, and map out all of the abuse patterns that were happening, and I could label the dysfunctional systems that were operating, and I could do all of that, which I did. Um, but that if I was gonna stay there, it was going to just keep me stuck and it was going to foment this bitterness in my soul that would keep me from the next things that God had planned for me that were beautiful beyond my ability to understand at that current moment. And my choice, and I've said this I think in season one, but I couldn't choose to make the outcome what I wanted it to be. I had choice over what I would allow myself to feel. And when I say that, I mean going back to that very like tangible visual of like the cement shoes being melted by my tears. I could choose it was such a clear dichotomy. Whenever I found myself getting caught in bitterness and the rumination and like all of that, I would just get so, so, so stuck and rigid. And the weight out of it was always through grief and a willingness to open to and then allow that grief to flow through me and to cry and cry and cry. And I found during this time one of the kind of go-to processes that I would turn to is I would go get in the bathtub because it was so hard to get to the point where I could feel my feelings and cry. I had to create very intentional rituals around it. And one of the what I found was the easiest ways to allow myself to feel the grief and cry, um like catharsis, right? Was in water. So long showers. Um, but the apartment I was living in at the time had a big bathtub. And so baths were actually really helpful. And I remember one time, it was also a time of being very, very busy with all I had a lot of extra things on my plate as well. And um, so I remember it had been a little while before I'd had enough time and space to slow down and engage in one of these like grief rituals in the bathtub. And I could feel it had been building. So I remember finally at the end of long day climbing to the bathtub by myself and knowing I needed to cry, I needed to grieve. Not sure like what was at the core of it, like during this wave, because it definitely comes in waves, you know, but like usually at the core of the grief wave, it was like some kind of a deep belief that was keeping me stuck that needed a reframe and a shift that needed healing and um relational healing with the savior, even and I remember this one time in the bathtub. Finally was able to, like, it wasn't even conscious, it was like deep in my body. Like I was able to start like gut wrenching, sobbing. And I remember like the way that the tub was, like it had, you know, like the the tub shape is like an oval, and then like there's the edge, it's almost like a triangle piece because it's like a rectangle with an oval cut out of it, and so it was like the the back corner of the tub, you know, where like I my head is resting, and like I turned on my side in like my my deep sobbing, grieving agony, and like my face is like resting on like this little triangle corner of the tub, and I remember just like calming out of my depths, the words that I didn't even know were deep in there that said, Um, this is not what I wanted, and with that, it was like whoosh, all of a sudden I felt Jesus like right there with me. And it was like this clear understanding of like this grief release was me surrendering my idea of what needed to happen and what should be happening and what I wanted to have happen, and being willing to I will use the word submit, be willing to submit to his because I didn't understand it, I didn't want it, I didn't like it, it was so painful, and um it was like a moment of me like releasing like I'm not gonna fight it anymore, I'm gonna submit to it. It was almost like a giving up moment, but without despair. It but it was like just a really raw, like, okay, all right, this is not what I want. Um, and I'm gonna tell you that it's not what I want. Um, and in that voicing it out loud and feeling his presence come even closer in that moment, it was like I felt so much love from him, like he knew it's not what I wanted, and also um like a feeling like it was not alone in it, and I won't say at that moment that I felt like it was all gonna be okay because I definitely did not feel that. Um but it was like a me setting down control moment. That was like that's why I use the word submit because there was surrender involved, but it wasn't like I wasn't I didn't know what my next steps were. I wasn't committing to doing something that I something that he had asked me to do instead of what I wanted. It was more of like a of like uh a letting go and an accepting that the things that were happening were not what I wanted and they were happening. So it was like almost like a coming into alignment with like what was really happening in front of me and setting down this relentless, like internal battle that I was still raging of like, I need to fix this, I need to stop this, I need to prevent this, I need to like make this not happen anymore. Like it was like like, okay, God, this is happening. You've been telling me that this is gonna happen for a while, and like it's not what I want. But in that moment, it was like accepting, like, but this is what's happening, and it was uh enough to let him even deeper in to that crack, you know, that wound that rock had like wedged its way into, and another way that that like that like I had been holding things that had festered, um, and and was able to then start like surrendering them to him. And I remember just from that point on, just like I remember in my apartment. I had I had neighbors below me, and I'm like, I am sure they can hear me sobbing, and at this point I just don't even freaking care anymore. So I was just like loudly vocalizing this intense grief and feeling um feeling extremely present with the full weight of what was happening, which was strangely clarifying, if that makes sense, and in the coming weeks and months, I would say uh I think that that increased capacity to name what was happening and also be honest about how I felt or thought about it without any internal um, like I was increasingly able to let go of my internal cycles that like would keep me arguing with what was happening, of like this isn't really happening, or I'm gonna fix this or whatever, and just like, okay, this is happening. It allowed me to see the reality of the situation, how it was most likely going to continue to play out and then make decisions from a very clear place instead of kind of a self-deluded, like, well, okay, well, this happened, you know, as soon as the final decree came out, everyone around me was in shock as well. But they're sometimes when you're in shock about somebody else's um tragedy, like your initial reaction is to like, okay, well, that's fine. We're gonna build a new strategy, we're gonna this, we're gonna that, we're gonna fight this, we're gonna blah blah blah, you know, like let's fix it. Um, but I knew, I knew that that wasn't the direction that God was gonna support. And I had already learned, like, if I was gonna keep trying to fight um the direction that God was moving this process, like I was just going to end up really like bloody and bruised and very destitute financially because it was a very expensive process. And um, I'd had enough experiences at this point knowing that like this is something bigger than what I can understand and make sense of. So I'm gonna like let go. And I remember uh just coming home at the end of that very long day when we got the final decree, and everybody had given all of their like, here's how we're gonna strategize this and whatnot, and taking it in and feeling all the feels and then coming home all by myself and just feeling like that. Like, I just keep seeing that visual of like what I just saw, that like hoof being totally cleared out of like all of this infection, and like it was like I had been poured out, like, and I was like an open, empty vessel. I was like able to clearly see my circumstances and um feel clear about them. I was still hurting, but like I wasn't in denial, I wasn't in bargaining, I was in like okay, all right, this is what it is, so now what? And that's when the in the very clear direction, I remember I had a like spiral notebook, I was living by myself now, so I didn't need to be terrified of like who might steal my journals and what they might do with them. So um I sometimes was using paper journals as well at this time, and I just remember writing down like exactly what like came to my brain, and it was like uh go to New York and go to Columbia online, and I was like, what? But I knew that had like dropped right through me, and uh I was like, I don't know what this is symbolic, is this real? Is this like uh uh the I just had a really long day, and it was very emotionally traumatic. Am I just like hearing voices now? Like all of that came up in like the fear, and I was like, okay, I wrote it down, wrestled with it. Um and uh in the coming, that was October, and by December, I had applied for Columbia, actually had gotten the chance to research their program and uh got really excited about it because they had an emphasis that like I'd never seen before and was super in line with like things that I knew I wanted to move into, and uh it was like unique, it was very highly rated school, and I was like, I don't know how this is gonna work, but okay, if you're gonna open these doors and let's do it. And um, I really was at a point where I was like, I don't have anything to lose anymore, like everything that I ever thought that I could lose like has been taken from me. So I'm like, whatever, like let's do this. And um, yeah, I applied to Columbia by December and their deadline, and then my lease was up by February, and I moved out. And by March, I was accepted to their program, and by April, I was awarded a full ride scholarship to complete my studies there, and uh just by the next year, I was graduated with a master's degree in social work from uh top-rated Ivy League school that I went to full ride. Uh, so I was just, it's easy to say all that in hindsight, but in that moment of receiving that original direction, that that divine uh answer, I can look back and I can see all the prep work that came before of like God really making space for me to even start to hope and dream about something new and coming in the future. And so much of it came through grief work and relational work with me and him, uh releasing old distorted beliefs and painful experiences where I had some kind of a narrative about him and how he didn't really love me, honestly, and what it meant to suffer, and what it meant to experience justice and who should experience mercy, and those all were like direct relational interactions that I had between me and Jesus Christ, um, supported by the Holy Spirit and other experiences that I had. But um, yeah, I wouldn't trade those for anything, not for one second. Um going to Columbia was an incredible experience, doing it on a full ride, like all those things were powerful, but it was like the relationship with Jesus and with myself. That was the prize. Um the gift. Yeah, for sure. And it's what I feel called to guide people into for themselves through whatever they might be experiencing because that has been the game changer for me, and that's precious.