S2E5: When Intimacy Exposes the Wound: Jesus, Healing, and Taking Your Power Back

What if the very thing you prayed for — love, safety, a new beginning — also exposed the wounds still living inside you?

In this episode, Megan explores what it looked like to be guided by God into a new life, a new marriage, and a new level of healing that could not happen in isolation. As old trauma surfaced through intimacy, discernment, and even her clinical work, she began to understand more deeply that Jesus was not only leading her forward, but inviting her inward — toward the places where pain, fear, armor, and identity had become tangled together.

This is a story about what it means to heal enough to receive love, to stay connected without abandoning yourself, and to find that real joy can return — not because the past did not happen, but because God can restore what trauma once stole.

Listener note: This episode includes discussion of trauma, post-separation abuse, coercive control, systemic injustice, triggers in intimate relationships, and spiritual experiences.

Power Back Here exists for the individual or couple ready to stop living in survival mode — and start choosing something entirely different.

This is the work of recognizing your trauma patterns, reclaiming your nervous system, and rebuilding the capacity to trust and develop intimacy in the relationships that matter most — with the Divine, with yourself, and with others.

So many of us have learned to white-knuckle it alone — that people aren't safe — while desperately longing for connection, meaning, and the power to bring something uniquely ours into the world.

Jesus Christ is the center of this work — a living, relational anchor who makes it possible to face all of human reality, receive unconditional love, and then offer that love to others. Sovereign love isn't something we manufacture. It's something we choose to receive — and live from.

If this is resonating and you're ready to go deeper with an experienced guide — for yourself or your marriage — reach out at www.meganconradanaya.com and let's talk next steps. 

We have the power to choose love, always. Power back here.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:24

So fast forward to more present time. The last episode I end with kind of a truncated version of how it is that I came to live on the East Coast and go to Columbia and uh that process. And so I'm gonna kind of pick up there. The first weekend I arrived on the East Coast, I actually ended up in Virginia. Long story, but I I those were where the doors opened. That's where I came to visit a couple months before making the move and um had experiences let me know like this is where God wanted me to be. And so I was like, okay, well, I guess I can if I did that point, I didn't know when I was making these decisions to move, like if I was accepted to Columbia or not. So I was like, well, worst case, you know, I will um explore. I'd never been east of Texas, you know, so I will explore. I will I guess I can look at this as like, you know, I'm a I'm in a student phase, I'm not in like midlife phase, like I I had been, you know, it was a lot of radical shifting um paradigms. So I was like, worst case, I will just explore. And if I get into Columbia, I will move up to New York City and do my program year there. So my first weekend here, in hindsight, I know the story, right? I didn't know at the time, but my first weekend here, there happens to be a Latin social dance and like a uh like a convention in town. And I I came with literally what fit in my little tiny car. So by the end of my first night, everything was unpacked and ready. And I'm like, I do not have a weekend to sit around all by myself and go crazy with this huge transition so heavy on me. So I was like, what can I do this weekend? And I had started Latin dancing as a way to um physically get back in my body, but also practice social interaction and rebuilding trust with people because there was so much damage there, and you don't have to talk to anybody. And I love dancing. It was something I had done almost 20 years before when I was my first time being a college student and loved, loved, loved it. But then getting married and kids and all the things and not having a place or a venue to dance anymore, like it just didn't do it anymore. So I was really enjoying like getting back into it, but still a total new beginner dancer. So I'm at this uh I'm first weekend out on the East Coast and find um there's something going on, a big conference actually happening right five minutes away from me. So I show up and I meet my now husband there my first weekend. And uh we just became friends. We were dancing in the same kinds of venues in the same um locations, two, three times a week, getting to know each other pretty well, just being really good friends and um enjoying dancing, the dance scene, you know. And um as my time uh things progressed in my world, you know, I was accepted in Columbia, I was um given the scholarship, which made me feel a lot more comfortable about my plan to go. Well, not really my plan, but like the plan to go. And um, like things started like falling into place for me over the next six months, and I was getting ready to leave and move up to New York and everything kind of settled, and that was at the point where I really felt the spirit like insert itself and give us the opportunity to deepen our friendship into something more. And I remember um we were still dancing a lot, but now like seeing each other also like every day. And I was really clear, I'm like, I just this is just friendship because I'm about to move and that's not like I don't want to get started and I don't want to do a long distance thing and like all of that, you know. And he didn't want to stand in the way of my dreams or like my plans or my goals because he was very like established and um like rooted here in where we were. So I also didn't really have any particularly burning desire to go up to New York City. I also just knew it wasn't like the best online student, so it probably was gonna get the best experience if I was in person, was my thinking. So the time is rapidly approaching for me to move and we go to this dance, uh, dinner and then dance. And um I remember we had during dinner this really beautiful conversation where he was very interested in me sharing some of the spiritual experiences that I had been having leading up to that point. And I was trying to explain to him like what it felt like to be guided um in this like revelatory relationship experience with God and with Jesus and with the Holy Spirit and how how surrender felt. And I was like trying to put words around a very visceral felt experience during dinner, all around this surrender piece. And I remember just how it felt and trying to explain it to him in words, and like he was like really trying to absorb it and take it in very fascinated, very interested, very like like wow, that sounds like amazing! Like I could tell, like, and he would say this like later, like he just like that sounds really incredible. Like, I'm hungry for God in that way. And so uh, so that was our conversation at dinner, and we go to the dance then right afterward, and it was at a venue I had never been to before, and the DJ played music that I had never heard before, and it was uh in in social dancing, usually the type of song dictates what kind of dance you do. So, because it was a new kind of music, it was also a dance that I didn't know how to dance. They said that he's like, You want to dance? I was like, I don't know how to dance this, I don't know what the like steps are. Like, I was still feeling like such a newbie in dance, so like I knew I knew several dances and like at least the basic pattern, but this one was like, I've never even heard this, I didn't even know this was a thing. So he's like, Well, that's okay, you can just uh close your eyes and follow. I was like, okay, I can try that. We were pretty good friends, so I trusted him. And I remember just during that dance, it was a very close dance. Um, it was appropriate. We were just friends, but in order to really feel him leading and with my eyes closed, uh what I realized during the dance was like, oh, this is that very same feeling like of surrender that I felt that I feel like when God is leading, guiding me. And so after the dance, I was like a little bit freaked out. I was like, whoo, like I felt something stirring in my soul, and oftentimes that's like a signal that God uses with me to like kind of get my attention, and then like we have a ritual where like I will like find a quiet place by myself and be like, okay, what was that? You like you're gonna explain it to me, and he will. So uh after the dance, I was like, okay, I'm gonna go use the bathroom. And I remember um getting into the bathroom of this dance hall venue and like leaning over the sink, I was by myself, and I looked in the mirror and I was like, God, what was that? That was like what was going on, and what was that feeling that I was having while I was dancing with him? And the words I heard, um, because one of my big questions was like, Why did you bring me to Virginia if you want me to go to New York for Columbia? Like, I don't, that doesn't make sense. And right here in this this bathroom moment, I just clearly heard the spirit say the words like he's why we brought you to Virginia. I was like, Oh, okay. Uh, and then as we like, I just kind of kept that to myself as we continued to spend time together, and I continued to like really start now to wrestle in the spirit of like, well, are we my idea of like what the plan was is like not is that off? Like, like, okay, we need to readjust and course criteria, because I I was planning to go, like you told me. So then he's like, Remember how I had you like write like do Columbia online? I was like, oh, okay, so long story short, I ended up switching to Columbia's online campus, which is live was live and synchronous, which was awesome. It was essentially like attending class in person without the commute and having to live in New York City, which I really did not have a desire to do. I love the city or I love to come home after a visit. Um, but the just some things that just had never clicked and made sense, now we're clicking and making sense and falling into place. And so I'm like, okay. So as we continue to like deepen our relationship and date and all of those things, you know, it progressed, right? We got engaged, we got married, all the things. And um, it was so interesting because that whole journey, like, I didn't realize until we started to get really serious with each other. That then he shared with me, he's like, actually, the first time that I saw you, remember like my first weekend going back, he was like, I um was really interested in you. And I he'd never been married before. He's like, I I I went and found a corner of the dance hall and was watching you and had this little conversation in his mind. He's like, not sure he was praying, but basically said out loud and said, God, why can't I have a wife like that? And so I was like, Oh man, all right, okay, all right, I see like this process. But at the same time, like I came with I had done so much healing work um as I got out of my former marriage and walked through all the custody and and legal proceedings, but I still like was bringing baggage with me for sure. So to get back into not just a romantic relationship, but a legal marriage was huge for me, huge for me. And it was definitely um a process where I felt I really had to lean in even more to all the tools that I had learned previously, but also that relationship that I was developing, continuing to deepen with like Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, and that my reliance on that like inner visual and dialogue capacity that I was developing was became even more important. And repeatedly, repeatedly, I'd be like, God, are you sure this is what you want? And the the the visual and the words consistently were like, Yes, just stay here. This is what I want you to continue. It was like I'm gonna show you. And it was um, it was a process where I, like I said, I used all of like my trauma tools, and like I'm being triggered of the wazoo, and your like flashbacks of what happened in my my with my ex-husband, and like whoo, it's like hitting all those wounds. Like, I know they're all still there, I know this is part of the process, but like, dang, this is scary, and and I feel so out of control, and I feel so um vulnerable, and you know, just really having to even more deepen into my connection with Jesus Christ and his ability to like calm me and relying on trusting him. And I'd had a very good friend a couple years before who had um a very unconventional, by you know, traditional standards, like dating and engagement and marriage story. And I remember during one of these like panic moments that I was experiencing, and she I was like, How did you trust your husband enough to like go through with it and like move forward and and and get married? And she said, I didn't trust him, I trusted Heavenly Father, and I remember, oh yeah, okay, all right. So that was so much a part of our process, as well as like all the beautiful, um, wonderful and um healing experiences we had, you know. Um, there was also a very real need to for me to handle like all of the triggering experiences too, because like even there is no such thing as a perfect person, myself included, but also like when we come with wounds that we're gonna get triggered, that's just part of the gig with intimate relationships. So navigating that was very challenging for me. Um and it was also very interesting because it was also like our dating and courtship process and continuing to get to know each other more deeply was also as I'm finishing like my master's program and I'm studying um very triggering subject matter. I'm studying systemic failure and um global crises, and now having like my own firsthand experience of oppression and um systemic uh barriers and injustice um that wasn't like a one-off. It was like designed to produce that result. And now studying it, having more and more language for it and statistics for it, and seeing the the mass scale impact that that has globally, oh my gosh, it just like it was like waves of being buried some days, just waves of being buried, and it would drive me to my knees. And as like God put me again, like he tends to wedge me in these places where like I'm hit from all sides, and he's like, Yeah, we've got all of these cracks going on, and there's like stuff festering inside, and like I'm gonna trigger it out of you, and we're gonna deal with it, and like you're gonna, you're gonna like release what's inside, and I'm going to heal you through relationship with me, and I'm gonna change your understanding of this experience. I'm gonna change your framework and mindset about like why I'm doing what I'm doing and why things happen the way they happen in the world. And so I remember very clearly in the room I was using as my office uh after I was taking international social work, and it was definitely one of my most triggering classes. Um, we were like deep diving into like one global social crisis at a time each week. And I remember the week where we dealt with um like the reality of what children globally are experiencing right now, not even in the past or historically, but like right now. And I was just like, oh, it was like cut so deep, it was like all of the things happening with my children, just and I wasn't dealing well, I wasn't dealing well. I remember kneeling by this, like kneeling in this room and just like again, like, okay, God, like I need to understand how to see this the way you see it, because I'm not I'm not gonna function my way through this, it's like too much. Um again, like distance from it anymore. This is too personal, and also like in my face and like such reality, how do I handle this? And I remember in that moment, it was like he was trying to help me understand. He's like, Megan, you're struggling with this because you're seeing it from a victim mindset. I was like, what? But but I am a victim, uh and the children are victims, and all of this is like literally like victim stuff that's happening where people are being victimized. I've been victimized. He's like, Yeah, but when you go into victim mode, you are giving away your power, and you're not seeing it in a way that lets me work it for your good. I was like, oh okay, that's a radical paradigm shift. Uh anyway, continue to work with me, um, like a spiraling curriculum, you know. The school would be very, very triggering. Um, and I would like have a breakthrough and then feel like really good, and then like more things would come up and be more triggering, and then like go back around through the waves, it's like cycles, right? Spiraling cycles. But with each new, like iterative layer, what he was doing is just kind of like uh similar to the process of like deciding you're gonna get your body really strong when you've been like really weak, and it's just like the small and consistent efforts and the things that you iterate over and over again eventually build, like all of a sudden you're like, Oh wow, I'm like super strong. And I like okay, so yeah, that was like that, like on an emotional and also spiritual level, of like my resilience and a capacity to continue to hold all of the tragedy and sorrow in the world, um, without losing my sense of connection to God's love and trust in Him to be working in all things. So I could stay in a place where I could feel it and be open to it without having to control it and shut it down because it was scary or threatening in some way, or uh yeah, threatening in some way. So uh it's still a process, it's still an ongoing process, but I feel um like that process has been absolutely critical for me. And also I know like it has deepened my capacity just as uh my marriage continues to grow and evolve um with my husband, just my capacity to show up and be present and be loving, and also be very intimate and connected to another human being without losing myself and without going into what I've come to really understand and really embed into like my Cascade for Couples program of like the way that um we all do this, you know, the way that like narratives and stories would get in the way of my dynamic of my um connection with my husband, but they could be so like not crafty because that like implies like malintent, but like they could be kind of sneaky, you know, of like, oh, I didn't realize like this narrative that sounds so polished and sounds so like um clear about like why I'm right and I have the all the reasons to like feel the way that I feel and need what I need and like all those things, blah blah blah. Like, and so you need to do these things just right, you know, so that I don't feel these things, you know, like I'm hurt and I'm you're hurting me, and like like those kinds of narratives, like really were just like sophisticated armor, keeping him from getting too close and hurting me because I had a wound, had a wound that I wasn't even conscious of that I was guarding, and that those were my layers of how do I armor and guard this. And it it distanced me from him and it created these victim narratives that I didn't even recognize as victim narratives, but they were ways that I was handing my power and saying essentially to him, like, you have the power to hurt me so bad. Um, and the only way that that can be addressed is like I'm gonna make you stop doing something or make you start doing something so that I don't have to feel this hurt, which on the surface can sound like, yeah, that makes sense. Like if someone's doing something to hurt you, then they should stop doing it, which I'm not arguing against that. But it was a way though, a subtle way for me to essentially tell him, like, you are in control of whether or not I feel something that I don't want to feel. And it also removed from me the capacity to take any wounds that were uncovered and work with them until they were healed inside of me. Because what I realized also is like another person is never going to be able to heal those wounds, no matter how awesome they are, they can create experiences together that can help rewire my nervous system and give me something new to experience. Um, so it becomes like part of who I am now, like, oh, this is what can happen now. But I also know that um if I'm not open to receiving new experiences because I'm scared of being open to them, then what ends up happening is somebody offers me a beautiful healing experience and I can't receive it. And so it just like bounces off. And then then uh I don't actually experience change through the process. And so it really was like this this very interactive process between me and God, and also Jesus coming into the mix of showing me, like, yeah, um, I don't want you to look at him, I don't want you to look at all the things that your brain does, like pattern recognition and like this or that, and and like diagnosing and everything else, like those are all just armor, Megan. I want you to come back right here. So, another reason why like I named this podcast, the power back here, he's like, your power is here in you. Your power to change you, your power to heal you, like you access, you know, you access God here in you, Megan. Like everything is here. So stop going into victim and um handing your power all around to these other people and essentially telling them that they are in charge of how you feel inside or what you can feel or what you won't feel. He's like, right here. Where do you see me? I'm like, yeah, inside myself, you know, my mind's eyes, where I see you. He's like, Where do you hear you? Okay, yeah, in my mind, my ear, my mind's ears. He's like, Yeah, so where do you interpret what's happening? Yeah, inside my heart. He's like, Okay, so like this is where we're gonna work. And um, I want to tell you that, like it is so full of nuance when you have been severely victimized. To separate out like the reality of that victimization from your identity as a victim. It's like it feels like tangled uh root systems of like two plants that grew very closely together that you want to like separate into different pots, you know, like you can't like rip the roots or the plants won't survive. So it's like this very delicate, like teasing out process of like, oh, there are two separate things here. It's not all one mass, you know. Uh, but the more I felt God working in me and through others around me to highlight what was happening and what like he really wanted me to see. And the more I could like turn inward and and be guided by that process internally, um, the more I would start to see gains and the more I would start to feel more capable of navigating the ups and downs of like being exposed with really extremely global traumatic events, or even the more I was able to have equilibrium when I was exposed to what was going on with my children, or um dealing with like the continued post-separation abuse ups and downs that continue with most of these kinds of divorce cases. So uh that has been a very precious gift for me for sure. And when I started working with clinical clients, I found like I remember they were um had a long wait list when I joined this clinic. And um those a lot of these clients had been waiting for a very long time. And I was like, sure, whatever, I'll see anybody. And uh all of these like other clinicians in the clinic hadn't wanted to work with them for whatever reason. They didn't feel qualified, or they had like too much trauma, or they had like specific needs that nobody in the office had experienced before or knew how to work with. And I was like, Yeah, I've I've seen this before, I've worked with this before, I've done dealt with like these situations before, because I've had a lot of experiences coming into the into the clinic. And I remember sitting with all of them and thinking, like, there isn't one thing that any of these people have experienced that I haven't in some way, shape, or form experienced in my own life. So I knew how to like connect with them, I knew how to resonate, and I and I knew how to hold safe space for them so they could start to tap into themselves, right? I knew how to guide them, I knew how to um problem solve like what was going on and get to the root of it with them and um offer them the opportunity to like see it differently themselves. And and I say that like humbly because I know it wasn't me. Uh, and yet at the same time, like my willingness, my choice to take up that, like, if you will, like take up my bed and walk, like take up my like, yes, okay, this happened, but like I still have choices here, and to choose those choices, um helped me to position myself in such a way that I could turn that that I that work that I had developed inside myself to the benefit and use of others. And that definitely definitely made it feel worth it. And also it it helped me the the longer like um I began rebuilding a new life in in this new place, like the more I started to feel like genuine hope and joy again, not just like I'm gonna get through this, then the next thing, but like starting to really take pleasure again. I mean, it had been years since I had felt the emotional capacity to go into a kitchen and cook a meal because there just was too much grief and too much like overwhelm for my system that connected to my children, um, that I I couldn't I couldn't go into a kitchen and cook. And so I remember the first time when I did that in my home with my my husband, and I was cooking for friends or coming over for Friendsgiving. I remember just feeling like pure joy throughout the day of cooking. And um, yes, there was grief, but like it was it was a beautiful experience of feeling like the joy of reconnecting to a piece of me that like had died and a phase of my life that had been stolen from me, and I was intentionally taking back the power to um reclaim it in the present and to use it for good for the new people that now were in my life that were available to be loved and to give love. And so I I'm so grateful for that journey. I'm so grateful, and I know that um when you're in the thick of the active crisis and the grief, that thinking that there will be joy eventually is just not helpful. But sometimes hearing other people like get they got through it and that there was joy on the other side can also be like encouraging of like, okay, it's not gonna be this way forever. So I hope that you take some of that out of this episode of like there is joy on the other side and there is healing on the other side, and don't be afraid if it comes in waves, and then there are still triggers and that there are still moments where you start to feel of like, oh my gosh, it's like everything that I thought I've been healing from. Like, am I recreating all of that in the present again? Like, that's normal. But um, as you continue forward, and absolutely as you continue to like seek your relationship with God and come to understand exactly who you are to Jesus Christ and how he feels about you, and how you can access him for yourself, um, start to do that discernment work and listening and following up on the promptings of the Holy Spirit. I promise you, they've got a plan for you, and whatever it might walk you through, there will be joy.