How Personal Values Shape Your Choices

The fastest way to understand yourself is to pay attention to what sets you off. That flash of anger on a train, the disgust when someone is rude to wait staff, the moment you realise you cannot connect with a person no matter how hard you try, none of it is random. It is values at work, quietly calling the shots.

We dig into personal values as the invisible rules that guide how we think, act, and decide, especially when no one is watching. Sharon breaks down how most of us inherit values without choosing them, then spend years living on autopilot. Pete brings it to life with everyday examples of “respect” being crossed: feet on seats, loud calls in public, littering, and the small acts of being a good citizen that reveal what someone really cares about. Sharon shares her own set of values, including equivalency, autonomy, and honesty, and explains why a value only counts if you can show how it appears in your behaviour.

You will also hear a practical way to tell the difference between a true value and a wish, plus how values shape friendships, boundaries, leadership, and decision-making at work. If you have ever wondered why you overreact to certain situations, why some people drain you instantly, or why your standards feel non-negotiable, this conversation gives you language for it.

Subscribe, share this with a friend who loves a straight answer, and leave us a review. What is the one value you refuse to compromise on?

Have a question, a comment, or want to find out more? go to https://www.beabetteryou.ca/

Podcast thoughtfully produced by https://www.isleofsound.ca/

Transcript

Welcome And Weekly Focus

SPEAKER_01 0:00

This is Straight Up Talk with Sharon and Peter. We are both proud Brits and Canadians. This is a no-nonsense weekly podcast about people, life, leadership and all sorts of stuff. We don't always agree. I'm Sharon Jones, business owner of Be a Better You, Developing Better Managers and Leaders, and this is over to you.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Hi, I'm Pete Johnson, owner of Movement Traders. Buy and sell anything.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

This is true, you do, and you are my husband, so that is great because that's where I get my stuff from.

What Personal Values Really Mean

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Topic for this week in straight up talk is all about values. This was something we were gonna talk about. Plus, somebody actually made a comment on our pilot episode and said you should talk about values. So here we are. I like to define what I mean when I say values. Um personal values specifically, they're the internal standards that guide how we think, how we act, and how we make our decisions, especially when no one's watching. To put it simply, our personal values are the invisible rules that you live by, whether you realise it or not. Most people don't choose their values, they inherit them, they absorb them, and then spend years unknowingly living by them. So, Peter, question

Respect In Everyday Public Behaviour

SPEAKER_01 1:32

for you. We've talked a lot in the past about not connecting with people because you don't have anything in common with them. Do you think that that has got anything to do with values?

SPEAKER_00 1:44

Absolutely. Everything to do with their values and my values. And um most of the time it's behaviour and uh what's acceptable, what's not acceptable.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

Can you give me an example?

SPEAKER_00 1:58

Um going out on for a beer with somebody and you're on the train and they put their feet up on the seat. Definitely that's a big no-no for me. Hate it, hate it. I used to go racing with a guy and we'd get the train from London down to Plumpton or Lingfield, Fontwell Park, one of the racetracks, and every time, without foul, feet up on seat, people would walk past and try and get another carriage and avoid us.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

So what's interesting about that, I I already hear ding ding, there's a value in there. When I do values exercises with people, um, and if anyone's interested in doing it, they can send me a message and I'll put a link also on my website for it. I get them to think about their experiences, their life, and then ultimately to distill their values. People tend to have about 10 core values that don't change over time, unless you're uh you know what might be a value when you're 18 might have shifted a little bit, but it might be different. I'll give you an example of that, and then I'm going to come back to your value. So if we can distill values down into one word, one person might have a value of freedom, and what that means to them when they're 18 can be very different what it means to them when they're 40, when they've got kids, etc. But they've still got this core value of freedom. So, based on what you've just told me about the guy putting the seat, feet on the seat, what value in one word is that hitting for you, do you think?

SPEAKER_00 3:38

Lack of respect. So it's respect. Respect, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

So one of your values is about respect.

SPEAKER_00 3:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

Okay. Can you give me any other other examples of things that to you would hit on that value of respect?

SPEAKER_00 3:52

The same person actually used to talk loudly on their phone in in public as as well. Because we're we're all all of us that used to go racing, we're all self-employed, so we all had business calls to take whilst we were out a day's racing. But I would normally say, I'd take a call and say, Look, I'm I'm out racing today, I'll give you a call back tomorrow morning, nine o'clock or something. But this one guy he used to just talk loudly on the phone in the carriage, uh you know, and it used to upset a few people.

SPEAKER_01 4:24

So how how does that respect for whom?

SPEAKER_00 4:27

Well the other people they use in the train.

SPEAKER_01 4:31

So you think it it's it's so you think it's it's rude?

SPEAKER_00 4:37

I think it's rude, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:39

Uh people people who are not paying attention to what's going on or who's around them.

SPEAKER_00 4:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

Using using the the seats, putting their feet up on them.

SPEAKER_00 4:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

Did you ever say anything to him?

SPEAKER_00 4:50

Oh yeah, all the time.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

And did he how did he react?

SPEAKER_00 4:54

Uh he he was pretty much of the opinion that everybody does it, so why shouldn't he? And I said, Well, not everybody. You know, I never used to I would I would never put my feet up on the seat, and I would never talk loudly on the phone. I would always take the call and say, look, yeah, I'll call you back. I'm bit I'm busy right now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:17

Okay, so that's so one of your values, and I know you haven't done this values exercise specifically because I've talked about it, which is actually kind of interesting, but but the process is helping you think about what that means to you. Is there any other values that you can think of? Things that rub you up the wrong way.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

Hundreds and hundreds, I suppose. Um yeah, people being rude to the servers in restaurants, just yeah, like there's tons of stuff. As you get older, you just the pole gets bigger and bigger.

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Interesting you say that though. Um having been a waitress myself back in the day, which is of course how how we met a long, long time ago, when I was working as a waitress, not in a cocktail box.

SPEAKER_00 6:03

In a butlins camp.

Equivalency And How We Treat Staff

SPEAKER_01 6:04

At a butlings camp. Uh it was in in I would have a row of of tables, nine tables, four people on each table. And you you want to be friendly to to everybody because ultimately you want a tip at the end of the week. But you get to know very quickly who is the person at each table who's going to be nice to everybody else on the table but rude to the wait staff. That, in my view, is not a nice person. And I've got um a value that I I call it equivalency, and that means it's about treating people um with respect, so it kind of touches on your value, a little bit of respect, but equivalency, so nobody's better than anybody else. It all depends on how you're showing up. So I will always give people the benefit of the doubt, but then it's how they respond to that, is how I will react to them. So those people who are rude to the wait staff and not, in my view, they're not nice people. And people who do that should should know that you don't shouldn't do that to the wait staff because the wait staff can get their get their own back get their own back for our gear. An example, it was hot in those kitchens, wasn't it, in the summertime. And we used to carry out racks of and on the racks would have plates, yeah, and then the plates would have uh the food, of course. So sometimes this is horrible for me to admit this, but sometimes I might have sweat running down my own pit into that top plate, and I was making sure the person That's why I never carves your calf. I sort of make sure the per that isn't that terrible to me. At least he's got a bit of salt with his with his food as well. But yeah, so yeah, that's another one of respect value, people being rude to each other. I think once you go through the exercise of knowing what your values are, it can help you understand who you want to spend your time with and why certain situations

Values Versus Wishes And Proving Them

SPEAKER_01 8:05

challenge you. Um did you want No, no, no, you can't okay because my values are, and I've done this activity of course: authentic, curious, fun, healthy, transparent, equivalency, honesty, maverick, courageous, and autonomy. I can give you examples for each one of those. When I say to people, what are your values? and they might say, Oh, I'm health is one of my values. So I say, Well, how does that show up for you? And if they can't actually demonstrate, then it's not a value, it's a wish. So if they say, Well, yeah, no, I'm healthy because I'm gonna start the gym next year. I like cake, yeah, I eat a lot. That isn't a health in in virtue at all. That's just something, it's a wish. So it's all about knowing what is your value and what does that mean to you, and it it's how my values help me understand why I like to work for myself, right? Really, yeah, versus autonomy is huge for me, don't like being told what to do. I rail against authority.

SPEAKER_00 9:16

Right, yeah. Is it the you know the the the we've talked about in the past um when you said about uh somebody you knew that was kept on and on about I want to learn to play guitar. And you said, Well, uh how how are you getting on with your guitar? You know, do you are you having lessons in he said, Oh, I haven't even got a guitar yet.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

What are you gonna what are you gonna do about it?

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Yeah, that's one of those horrible icebreakers. I hate doing them in training. Most people hate them, but some of my clients insist that we do an icebreaker. That's one of them.

SPEAKER_00 9:49

Right.

SPEAKER_01 9:49

If you had a superpower, what would it be? And people will say, Oh, I wish I could play the piano or the guitar. Yeah. Oh, uh how are you doing with that? Have you got one? No. Okay, so you don't really want to do it.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

Don't really want to, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

You don't really want to do it. It's just something that it sounds like a nice idea.

SPEAKER_00 10:07

Yeah, somebody we knew we were quite close to a couple of years ago kept on insisting that they wanted to play guitar. Right. And I remember you shutting him down in in in one sentence. Have you bought your guitar yet?

SPEAKER_01 10:21

Well, that's uh as we know, we can both be quite direct, but and I think the value of healthy for me is probably one that's um become bigger. It it because now it doesn't just mean eating healthy, it means going to the to CrossFit, which you and I both do, of course, but it's it's about mental health, it's about emotional health, it's a much bigger factor for my life than than it ever has been before. So you know when you're usually when we respond to something negatively, it's because a value has been hit. So, for example, if we see somebody being treated unfairly, that's hitting on that that value of equivalency or respect, and that's how we respond to it.

SPEAKER_00 11:06

Yeah. Can I say one more thing before we end?

SPEAKER_01 11:08

Absolutely.

Friendship Fit And When To Walk Away

SPEAKER_00 11:09

We aren't ending yet, but one of the most important values for me is the we've we've discussed this many times, is litter. People that litter.

SPEAKER_01 11:18

So what is what is that value then? You litter isn't the value, is it?

SPEAKER_00 11:22

No, no, I mean people that litter.

SPEAKER_01 11:23

Right, but what value is it?

SPEAKER_00 11:25

You're if you're in their company and they or you see it, you see it as you're driving along, someone is eating a McDonald's or something, and out the window go the rappers, and they quite often end up in our front garden. I I would I would uh if I became president of Canada tomorrow, I would have a ten year sentence for people that litter.

SPEAKER_01 11:46

You put them on a chain gang.

SPEAKER_00 11:47

Especially down Port Maitland Road. No, the I suppose the value is just keep keep the place tidy. If everyone did their bit and Is that not about respect though? It is respect, yeah, I suppose, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:01

I think respect seem is well that's what it's sounds like to me.

SPEAKER_00 12:04

I sound like a real model citizen, don't I?

SPEAKER_01 12:06

You are, you are for me.

SPEAKER_00 12:08

But in the upcoming election.

SPEAKER_01 12:10

But that's that's actually another thing that we talk about, being a good corporate citizen. We talked about this on the pilot one as you always take your super your supermarket trolley back. But there's also the one about letting people out in traffic, things like that. And and if you're driving, try not to make other people on the road have to stop what they're doing in order to accommodate you.

SPEAKER_00 12:34

Yeah, I do that more than you, you know.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

Yes, you do.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:38

This is true. Which actually leads me on to another question. This is not really values, but it's something that you and I differ on, and it's how we do things. We've got a very different approach to how we do things, so this is not really a value, but what's interesting about it is the first time it showed up was um when you you'd come over to my place in Canada and I was packing it up because getting ready to come back to the UK with you, and of course, your background being in moving, uh, well, you could talk in a moment about how you uh prefer to do these things, but for me, I do things at a million miles an hour and nothing is in a straight line. So I've got a pile over here and a pile over there and a pile over here, and I'm going through it all. Just talk through about your reaction to that.

SPEAKER_00 13:33

Well, it goes back to having a plan. You have to have a plan. So you attacked you attack the task with a plan. So you and you said to me, I'm gonna take some stuff to England, and I'm gonna take some stuff to the storage, and I'm gonna take some stuff to the dump. So I'm expecting three piles. And I said, Okay, you crack on, I'll go up the road and have a couple of beers and I'll come back. When I came back, there was about 20 free piles. And I said, I thought you were only making three piles, and you said, Well, I'm not sure what if that's dump or store yet. So it's in the not it's in the between the dump and store, and this I might need this in England because it rains a lot in England, so I might be and I'm like, Wow. All of a sudden we've gone from an easy task for me to something that was quite challenging.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

And I think that has been a hallmark of us ever since is methodology, it's how how we do things. You have a very organised approach to how you do things and I things.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

When I buy something for my KIA, you you count the screws and you count all the dowels and you count all every everything. And if it says you've got a 36 of this type screw, you make sure you've got 36. If it says 18 of these, 24 of these, I count them all out first.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

I know you do it.

SPEAKER_00 14:48

Yep, and you don't, you just rip into the box.

SPEAKER_01 14:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:52

I think that bit goes there.

SPEAKER_01 14:54

Yeah. Well, it it what's so you're absolutely right. It's also if we go shopping, it's one reason I don't come shopping with you. You do all the shopping, because if ever I pick something off a shelf, you get it back out the the the basket, look at it, and put it back and pick a different one.

SPEAKER_00 15:11

Yeah, dates are very important. When you're buying produce, dates are very important, meats, produce, stuff like that.

SPEAKER_01 15:19

So I think that's probably our biggest difference. We do, I think we've discussed many times, we do share very similar values, especially around um honesty and integrity, those kinds of things. We do neither of us is a is a fan of people who lie, cheat, or steal. Um and it's very important. So going back to the question I I asked you, which was do you think that part of the reason that sometimes you don't connect with people is purely down to their values, or is it more about you haven't got much in common with them?

SPEAKER_00 15:58

Um I think once you get to know somebody quite well and you spent some time with them, you you start to realise their values maybe don't match up to your own. I mean in some cases they have better values, you know, and but different values. Different values, and uh you just you you can you you you can you you can always take a step back and accept that the friendship might not last that long. Go and look for some new friends, maybe, you know. And uh life's too short to be around people with not good values. I was gonna swear then I remember where I was.

SPEAKER_01 16:33

Yeah, not good values according to us, and I think most things can be worked around because uh both of us are non-religious, both of us have got friends who are religious. We have talked about those topics, uh, but we don't let them get in the way of a friendship because there's more to it than that. One person one person isn't just one element,

Takeaways Plus Values Exercise Link

SPEAKER_01 17:00

there is more to them. So you if you can park that, right? So from from them, their spirituality is obviously a very strong value, it isn't one for us, yeah, but everything else aligns, so that's that's okay, but it's when something in my experience comes and smashes into a value of yours. I give you an example actually, I just thought of this. A girl used to work with many, many years ago. I actually got her a job at the company I was working for. I validated her, said she was gave her a reference. She she came, she was there for two weeks, then she went on honeymoon for two weeks, and then she came back for two weeks, and then she handed in her notice and went to another job. Oh wow. Now she hadn't told me that she was using my uh the fact that she was working at the company I was at as a stop gap. She didn't tell me that, but then even worse was when she got to a new place, she started calling Nick in your clients. Well, not the clients, the workers.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

Right, okay.

SPEAKER_01 18:03

So to me, that was like a big, that was a massive no-no, and I think about that that that value that it hits on, it's about honesty. She had been uh completely dishonest with me. Anyway, we're running long here, so I'm gonna uh our brutally honest takeaway of the week about values. Here's mine, and I'll ask you yours. So values are the signposts for what's important to you at your core. Knowing them can help you make informed decisions about your life, who's in it, your job, and everything. You don't typically react to situations, you react to what the situations mean to you. What about you, Peter?

SPEAKER_00 18:44

Very cryptic then me, I'll just keep it simple. If you with people that haven't got the same values, move on, get some new friends.

unknown 18:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 18:52

Well, thank you everyone for listening. If you want a copy of the values exercise or any more info, my website is beabetteryou.ca. Go to the link that says podcast. And this week's podcast has been thoughtfully produced by the Isle of Sound. Thank you and good night.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

Thank you and good night!