Direct Communication Without The Damage

We explore why directness reads as helpful honesty to some people and as rudeness or threat to others, using real stories where blunt feedback changes the whole room. We unpack the brain science and cultural norms behind those reactions, then land on a practical rule we try to live by: say what you mean without being mean. 

• why clarity can feel kind to direct communicators but harsh to others 
• a dinner table moment that shows how feedback lands in real time 
• how social rejection triggers the amygdala and fight flight freeze 
• why intent and impact get confused in workplace communication 
• cultural differences between North America, the UK, the Netherlands, Germany and Israel 
• protecting boundaries at work without escalating conflict 
• our brutally honest takeaways and what we would say differently now 

If you want any more information about anything we've done podcasts on, or you want to share with us ideas, go to the website beabetteryou.ca. There's a tab, podcast, from there send us a message 

Have a question, a comment, or want to find out more? go to https://www.beabetteryou.ca/

Podcast thoughtfully produced by https://www.isleofsound.ca/

Transcript

Welcome And The Big Question

SPEAKER_00 0:00

This is Straight Up Talk with Sharon and Peter. We are both proud Brits and Canadians. This is a no-nonsense weekly podcast about people, life, leadership, and all sorts of stuff. We don't always agree. Hello and welcome to this week's episode of Straight Up Talk with Sharon and Pete. I'm Sharon.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

And I'm Pete Johnson.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

I don't know why that always makes me laugh, but it does. Um topic this week, one that is an interesting one for us because we're both on the same page here. Why do some people appreciate directness while other people experience it as rude, aggressive, or even threatening? So it's all about being direct. So the definition I'm going to give here is something that actually is our philosophy. Say what you mean without being mean. That's it. Not sugarcoated ambiguity.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:02

Straightforward. Before I tell the story, what are your thoughts, Peter?

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Well, I mean, I I think I got my directness from my mum. She was she she was uh very good at saying what she thought and she being very direct to people and sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but most of the time she uh at least people knew where they stood. So I definitely got it from my mum, I think. I don't remember too much about it. My daddy left when I was too young, but yeah, but um I remember my mum being very direct with it, you know, on a few occasions she would tell neighbours off, you know, your kids are your kids are a nuisance. Keep your kids on in their own garden and doing, you know, this and that and just general stuff growing up. She was just very direct. And it worked for her really, because people respected her afterwards.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Well and I think what's was uh fascinating for us is that when when we met again back in 2012, and we got together, this was before I'd done the psychometric assessments with Thomas, and then we did them, and we're both because the the psychometric assessment, it's called

Say What You Mean

SPEAKER_00 2:12

the PPA personal profile analysis, it's based on the disc framework. You and I are both high dominance, which means we are direct, assertive, and all of those things that can cause challenges, but we're like that with each other.

SPEAKER_01 2:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:28

I'm gonna tell a story fireworks, bring it on. So this story involves a couple of our friends, Norman Newler, very good friends. This we had them over for dinner, and you and I both take turns to cook. We're both pretty good cooks. I'd made a dinner and we were sitting around afterwards just chatting away. And I said to Norman Newler, you know, was it okay? And they were, yeah, really liked it, thank you very much. And I said to you, Okay, Peter, what's your thoughts about the dinner? And you said wasn't your best.

SPEAKER_01 3:09

Yeah. So which is a normal comment for me, you know.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

It was what was funny about that was the look on Norman Nola's face. They kind of bunny rabbit froze in the moment.

SPEAKER_01 3:20

Yeah, yeah, well, especially Norm.

SPEAKER_00 3:21

Well, because he's it he's he's not at all completely direct like we are.

SPEAKER_01 3:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:27

So even though I took it because I can, I don't think it was very pleasant for them.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

Nah. That's right, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

I think that's one of the big challenges about being direct.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

You chilly that time, I can't remember what it was.

SPEAKER_00 3:41

I can't remember what it was, but it wasn't spicy enough for it. It wasn't spicy enough for me, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:44

So that's what I meant, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

You could have put some more spice in it instead of just eating it all, but you didn't do that.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Exactly, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

So they they were very uncomfortable in that. We got through it because we have a good relationship with them and they called you a jackass, or I did, probably me. Yeah, but then I got my own back the next day. Next morning, breakfast at breakfast, which John O's Caffe. John O's Calf. Because you always make a great breakfast, yeah. And then of course, I think they knew it was coming.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:12

Thanks, Pete. That was good, but it wasn't.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

Wasn't your best. Yeah, well, that's it. It all ended as a bit of fun.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

Well, it did between us. But what's interesting, um, I looked at the the psychology of why people resist direct communication, and the reason is that our brains are wired to avoid social rejection. Humans were social creatures, and for most of human history, being excluded from the group could actually mean death. So modern neuroscience shows that social rejection activates many of the

Dinner Feedback And Awkward Silence

SPEAKER_00 4:48

same brain regions as physical pain. So when someone hears, you know, your presentation wasn't clear, your dinner wasn't good enough, they might unconsciously interpret that as you're inadequate, even though that's not necessarily the message that was intended. So direct feedback creates uncertainty about status, about belonging, and about competence. And the amygdala, remember, we talked about the amygdala, that little thing in the brain that's our reactionary emotional control center. When the cerebral cortex picks up this information, sends it to the amygdala, it interprets it as a social threat. So it starts to get worried, sends out stress hormones into the body, adrenaline cortisol gets you ready to fight, flight, or freeze. So when you're in that state, it's very difficult to be rational back, really difficult. So uh because the the amygdala doesn't know the difference between threat to survival and a threat to ego, which is what sometimes direct feedback can be. And I think what's interesting as well is uh it's different depending which country you're in.

SPEAKER_01 5:59

Definitely.

SPEAKER_00 5:59

North Americans are taught to prioritize harmony, and from childhood, many people hear be nice, don't hurt people's feelings, don't make a scene. And my favourite, I hate this one. If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say, don't say anything, then don't say anything at all. Yeah, that is the worst piece of advice.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Worst piece of advice ever. Ever.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

Because it you go to the Netherlands, they're a very direct culture.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

Definitely, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

The Dutch, they're famous for directness, yeah. So, you know, a manager might say directly, this proposal's got several flaws, right? They're not considering that as r as rude, but they view it as honest and respectful.

SPEAKER_01 6:42

Yeah, it's not good enough.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

Right. So sugarcoating can actually be seen as being dishonest in those cultures. Germany, Israel, also very direct. You and I spent time in Israel.

SPEAKER_01 6:53

We did.

SPEAKER_00 6:54

Have you got any experiences about directness that you could share?

SPEAKER_01 6:58

I mean, I'm going back 40 years the last time I was in Israel, but yeah, I mean, they just I I I pretty much learnt straight away uh were after only working there for a week or so that you get told to do something, and if you haven't done it right, they'll tell you. You know, they don't beat around the bush. Uh you've got to go and uh load up them bananas or whatever onto a truck and we expect you to be done by lunchtime. And if you're still still there at three o'clock in the afternoon, they want to know why, you know, and they they they let you they let you have it, you know.

SPEAKER_00 7:28

Um well uh an an expression that we just come to keep using recently is um life's hard, get a helmet.

SPEAKER_01 7:36

Well, that's Greg from the gym. That's great, one of Greg's favourite quotes. Life is tough, wear a helmet.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

But I mean we have to be careful with it as well. I mean, what I think um we're from the UK, obviously, which is moderately direct, which may surprise many Canadians because Brits can often be direct in wording, but direct in meaning. So a British manager might say, you might want to reconsider that, meaning that's a terrible idea.

SPEAKER_01 8:03

Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

Whereas you and I are actually quite direct. Um but we we have to be very careful about how that is delivered and how that lands on other people. Um I I ended up I got some feedback a few years ago because I did my PPA, we did yours, and we looked at, you know, we're both very high in directness. Oh, actually, horse shows. There was a couple of years ago when we're with our our group of friends from the Jonas Performance Horses group, and we're sitting around and and you and me, I don't know what had happened.

SPEAKER_01 8:37

Oh, I remember this year.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

But we were swearing at each other and calling each other all the names under

Why Directness Feels Like Pain

SPEAKER_00 8:42

the sun, and then there was a bit of a hush, and people saying, Oh, Sharon and Pete, danger, they're gonna get a divorce. And next minute I'm sitting on your knee and we're having a cuddle again. Because people don't behave like that normally. So now they know us.

SPEAKER_01 8:57

We were unloading the trailer in into the into the store, into the tack room, and I I brought something in that wasn't yours or something, and you went, That's not mine, you idiot. I wouldn't call you an idiot. But anyway, yeah, and I said, Oh shut up. I was like, you know, and then we we were like, Oh dear, it's all kick it off.

SPEAKER_00 9:15

Yeah, so it it it's it's interesting because I've been given f feedback which I was really surprised at because unless you ask other people how how how do I come across, you don't often know. And in a good way, the feedback I got was I can be authentic, I can be engaging, I can be funny, I like that one. I like to make people laugh. So I thought, well, how can I come across when it's not so good? And and they got the feedback, well, intimidating and aggressive, yeah, the aggressive thing, yeah. And I was surprised because I don't wake up in the morning going, yay, I'm gonna be intimidating and aggressive today. You can't control how people respond to you, that's on them. Yeah, but what you can do is control how you're showing up, and I think people like us who have a natural propensity to be assertive without breaking the sweat, yeah. We need to be paying attention to how we're coming across. You have a story about the market, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:14

Yeah, the market. I'd I'd only been there a couple of years and uh I didn't know everybody, but most of the vendors knew each other. I was kind of like still the new guy, you know. And then there was one this one morning when I was setting up, and I I saw brand new ladies' fashion, as you know, and it's all tagged, it's all brand new. But and I was as I put as I'm putting it out early one morning, this guy comes walking across smoking a cigarette.

SPEAKER_00 10:39

Right.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

So he's I'm I've I've already got like four or five stands out already, and he comes up, starts talking to me, and and I very quickly get him away because the last thing you need on brand new clothing is cigarette smoke, because you can't get rid of it. The only way you can get rid of it is wash it, and once you've washed it, it's not new, you can't sell it as new. So I was very direct with him, and I was probably you know, if I if I What did you say? I think I said something like get

Culture Clashes And Hard Edges

SPEAKER_01 11:05

away from the clothes, don't smoke around the clothes, okay? I've told you before, because I had warned him before he he he was a like constant smoker, you know, like he put one out and then two minutes later he'd lit one up again. He was like a chain smoker almost. I said, I've told you before, don't come round the clothes when you're smoking, just go away, go away. And all the other vendors looking at me going, oh my god, you know, I haven't seen Peter like that before. But it's true because you know I've got thousands of dollars worth of stock hanging on the rails, and it you you know, there there is a rule in the market, there's no smoking, it's a no-sming venue. You can't smoke, you have to go outside the marketplace to smoke if you if you're a smoker. Same as having a beer. If you want to have a beer, you have to go and go to a bar or something, you know. Yeah, but um yeah, he he he he was one guy, he used to breach a lot of the rules actually, and uh you know I I told him straight and uh he never spoke to me again. And he didn't like it, didn't like it, he didn't take it very well, and uh yeah, he did I thought I think that's the last time we ever spoke.

SPEAKER_00 12:07

Well but it's it's what's fascinating about that is pushing boundaries. He was pushing boundaries and and it got to the tipping point for you.

SPEAKER_01 12:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:18

Maybe you came across a bit strong, but there was a point at which there was a real potential damage to your goods that you're not gonna buy me clothes, is he?

SPEAKER_01 12:27

Well, you never know, he might Oh yeah, I didn't think of that, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:32

No, uh I remember a few years ago I was on uh a board of people and we were having a meeting and I was talking about somebody and this person inter interrupted me a couple of times and I I let them interrupt me, and then the third time I said, Would you mind not interrupting me? And you should have seen their reaction. Yeah, they were like, Oh how dare you! It's like they suddenly took offence. It's like I want to hear what you have to say, but can you let me have my say first, please? Yeah, but that person was mortally wounded, like I stabbed him in the head or something. Now I probably would have been a bit more um, I wouldn't say quite that way now. No, because the the the the danger

Boundaries At Work And Key Takeaways

SPEAKER_00 13:20

is that you are wounding people and that's not the intention, right? So it's when when giving when giving people uh you know, most people confuse intent with impact, which I think is interesting, and this is my brutally honest takeaway of the week, is that direct communicators often think I'm helping by being honest because we think let's keep clarity uppermost in our minds here and be absolute direct, but the receiver often thinks well they're criticizing me, right? So research from organizational psychology consistently finds that people tend to judge themselves by their intentions and others by their behaviours. So a direct communicator focuses on intent and the listener experiences the impact. Directness delivered with care is far kinder than avoidance. So again, say what you mean without being mean.

SPEAKER_01 14:16

Yeah, I'll try.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

Okay, and your brutally honest takeaway of the week.

SPEAKER_01 14:21

Oh, I'll keep it short and sweet again. When you go to the market, ladies and gentlemen, don't smoke, please. You're only spending 10-15 minutes there. It's a beautiful Friday morning. You know, wait till you wait wait till you're far away from the marketplace before you light up a cigarette.

SPEAKER_00 14:37

But that's got nothing to do with being direct.

SPEAKER_01 14:39

I

Wrap Up And How To Reach Us

SPEAKER_01 14:40

know.

SPEAKER_00 14:41

On that note, thank you for listening. If you want any more information about anything we've done podcasts on, or you want to share with us ideas, go to the website beabetteru.ca. There's a tab called podcast. Send us a message, and this week's podcast has been thoughtfully produced by the Isle of Sound. It is good night from me.

SPEAKER_01 15:01

And it's good night for me.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

Good night.

SPEAKER_01 15:03

Good night, everyone.