Rock Bottom is the New Normal
Just a former alcoholic bartender navigating sober bartending and restaurant industry life.
Rock Bottom is the New Normal
TyTockerTicking Discusses Alcoholism in Marriage
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One of my personal good friends Tyler Bailey from Tiktok as TyTockerTicking comes on and discusses his insight on being a divorce attorney and how alcohol challenges marriages.
So what were you on before this?
SPEAKER_02Your computer? I had it linked to my computer, like so I was using the phone camera, but it was like going through my computer. Because webcams suck.
SPEAKER_03And iPhone cameras are the best. Yeah, dude. Now you know. Now yeah. The more you know.
SPEAKER_00Now you know.
SPEAKER_02Tyler Bailey, I think you should start that. The more you know. Now you know. I was thinking, so like uh the podcast is called Rock Bottom is the new normal. Um and then I came up with the idea yesterday. I was like, I need to like start another podcast, but I gotta buy a house with an attic. And so I can call it Attics in the Attic.
SPEAKER_03And if we just hang on the attic.
SPEAKER_00And you're trying to like help them recover, or they just remain an addict in your attic. Uh yeah, I guess either. Either or worse. Just as long as they're in the attic. Well, if this kicks off, then you'll start another podcast. You already got another idea lined up.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, just bring some uh bring some drug or alcohol addicts and take them upstairs and just record them up there in this dusty whole.
SPEAKER_03That's showbiz, baby. That is that is literally pure showbiz. Yeah. So what's up, man? You're good?
SPEAKER_00I'm good, yeah. I'm up north right now. Um I was in court in Mount Pleasant today, and so I was like, dude, I'm already halfway there. Let's just send it. But for a second I thought I was gonna go to California, and then that didn't happen.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. But I'm doing good, yeah, everything's all good.
SPEAKER_02So you're like, so you're practicing around Lansing, but they have you going to court in Mount Pleasant?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, if if you can get hired out there and they're willing to pay for your drive, then why not? So I'm doing Mount Pleasant, I'm doing a little west side, like uh Charlotte, um, but mostly Lansing for sure. And it's just all divorce law, all which is like divorces, child custody. Like today was child custody, they were never married, so it's somewhere along those lines. That sucks. That's gonna just like really take a fucking toll. It does some days, but then some days it feels really good too. So, like some days I hear stories or I see people and I meet them, and I'm like, wow, your life is super frickin' sad. And it is sad, it's always sad, but there's also some days like today where I kind of get to show my skills off a little bit. I kind of get to get in front of a judge and advocate for my client, and it's spicy, it's interesting. I get to go up against another attorney, and just to see like your client being satisfied or grateful for what you're doing is just like that's what kind of feels good. But it's it's a lot of negative and not a lot of like good job, man.
SPEAKER_03So you got yeah, I guess like end of the day, you just kind of have to I guess feel good for yourself for the work you're doing.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you kind of gotta let it not bleed into your just normal day-to-day life, too. Like when I'm done working, I try to just you know, chill out and not really worry about work. Yeah, that's when you're sliding in on TikTok. Well, yeah, dude. I'm doing it during my lunch, I'm doing it after work, whenever I have the chance. It's a lot harder now. It was a lot easier when I was a bartender for sure to make TikToks, but now I have I have less time a little bit, but it still works.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I have uh so I'm just bartending like four days a week right now, and I didn't realize how much of a commitment content creating was gonna be. Like honestly, I guess I didn't really understand a whole lot of it, and it's turning into like a lot, especially this avenue where people like need help and they're like calling out for help. Like my inbox is filled all the time, and I'm constantly answering messages and I'm constantly talking to people like off cliffs, and like it's like taking up a lot of my days, which is great. Like, it's honestly a great problem to have, and it makes me feel really good, but like I couldn't imagine like they're talking about promoting me, and I'm like, I don't know if like I have time to shift into like corporate like five, six days a week and work 80 hours a week and still be able to keep up on this. And like this is important, this is important work, it's way more important than fucking restaurants.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you find time, you know. Uh like 80 hours a week is a lot of hours. I'm not working that much as in my job, but not many content creators or people that are doing podcasts or pumping out videos, not many of them are actually responding to the people that reach out to them. So, you know, it's uh you got to pick and choose your battles, but the fact that you're willing to help these people, you're willing to talk them off of a cliff, you're taking time out of your day, like that takes a lot of time to respond. It truly does to put thought into it, you know, like to read what they're saying and think about it takes time. So it's just it's how you want to spend your time. If you want to spend your time helping people, I mean that that warms me up for sure, you know, with my job or content creating, you know, getting someone to reach out to you and saying, Hey, you made my day, or hey, can you help me out? Things like that. So I get what you're saying. It's uh it's hard to pick and choose where you want to put all your energy.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, for sure. Um, I guess for anybody who actually listens to my podcast, which is like jumped up this past week. I went from like I had four episodes and I went from like 25 listens to like now I'm over a hundred in the last days. Yeah. So for anyone who doesn't know, Tyler Bailey here is what is it? It's Ty Tocker Ticking right there. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's Ty Tucker Ticking and then Tyler Bailey on Instagram. But if you just look up Ty, I should I should be popping up somewhere around there.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, because you're popping up. You have 51.9,000 followers right now on let's go. Yeah, let's go. Let's go. Yes. That's like a big point of your video, and that's over two million views. That's a lot of people.
SPEAKER_00Dude, that video went crazy, and a big reason was because of me mentioning like alcoholism, what it does to your marriage, how it affects it, not just emotionally, financially, the likelihood of divorce if you're an alcoholic, all these types of things. Because people can relate to that, dude. There's been obviously millions of marriages that have fallen apart because one spouse or both spouses were alcoholics. And there's a lot that leads to that, too, you know, like bad decision making, infidelity, poor financial decision makings, um, and you're prioritizing things that are not necessarily good for building a family and bonding a family. Like if you're prioritizing going out and drinking with your friends or co-workers, and or maybe you're networking and you're drunk all the time, even if you're with your family, you're still not like truly bonding because there's that disconnect because you're intoxicated. But really, what's wrong with families today is that they're not spending quality time with each other. There's no like there's no like family dinners anymore. There's no like Sunday dinners anymore, there's no conversations. If there are family dinners, there's phones involved, which is not like a genuine connection. And so alcoholism and and just prioritizing alcohol, I see it. I'm I'm not even joking every single day. Either my client is complaining about their spouse being an alcoholic, or my client is an alcoholic and they're losing their children or getting divorced or etc.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's gonna be. I mean, even if you weren't sober going into it, like I'm sure that that would be like a huge eye-opener for you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it is a huge eye-opener for me. And and what's funny though is that a lot of attorneys are alcoholics. So yeah, it's just a stressful, it's a stressful job, but yeah, I do it was similar with bartending, to be honest, too. Like you we worked together, we bartended together. I saw a lot of people that like just prioritized drinking and getting so hammered, and they just didn't impress me, I'm not gonna lie. They just and I I'm not saying that there's there's anything wrong with going out and getting a drink and being social and having beverages, but alcoholism is different and it just it affects people differently. And so I saw it in bartending, and now I see it as a divorce lawyer, and it's just like a constant reminder of this is not the path that you want to go down because I was low-key, I could have been going down that path, right? Um, but luckily I'm not.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, for sure. I remember when you first rolled in, like you weren't sober yet, and you were still like kind of trying to figure it out. Like I remember you, I had like an eye infection or something, and I needed to cover my shift, and you were like, Listen, brother, I am stuck on Mackinac Island. You're like, I've lost my ride, like I can't get back. I'm trying to figure that out.
SPEAKER_00You remember that day. Yeah, and that's that's the thing, is Ty, when he was drinking, he was unreliable, right? Now, three years later, I'm not saying I'm like the most responsible person in the entire world, but I'm definitely more reliable.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, for sure. I feel the same way. I mean, like, I was I'm not gonna say like I was like a huge piece of shit or anything, but like I think alcohol drove me into a lot of like piece of shit situations, and I would overpromise and underdeliver to everyone.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, you're not a piece of shit. Like, and people that drink alcohol are not pieces of shit. I have so many friends that I love so much, like my family members and my friends that I love so much that because they're great people, I wouldn't love them if they were bad people. And they drink alcohol all the time. And we used to drink alcohol all the time, but what we recognize now that we're sober is that we are better versions of ourselves now that we're sober instead of as we're drinking. And you know, if that that probably correlates to everybody, right? Yeah, it and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with drinking, but the best version of yourself is a sober self.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. I posted, I actually posted a TikTok today about that very thing where I'm like, you know, like all of your addiction, all of your alcoholism, all of your sobriety buildup, like it's all created you who you are today, which is the best version of yourself. Like you're strong, you're resilient, you're you're empathetic a lot more.
SPEAKER_00I think you're more reliable, you're more prepared. The main thing that I've noticed in my sobriety is like well, there's a lot of things that I've noticed, but this is what I love. When something when shit hits the fan, when things fall apart in your life, which they do, random shit happens all the time. Like you're not always going this way, whether you're drinking or sober. Bad shit happens to good people. When those mishaps happen, me, myself, my sober self, I am so much more equipped to handle those situations and be calm about it and be rational about it, and just not freak out and go to the bottle and just kind of like push it to the side. I just I can deal with with life's misfortunes a lot better now.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, totally agree. Like, I'm able to pivot a lot better, and I'm able to take a step back and like read the situation and then see which course is the best course to go about, which I never used to do, and a lot of people can't do. Like, I think a lot of people that never really struggled or went through like having to get sober, like they still get bogged down by like these little ticky-tack minutia fucking you know, stumbles.
SPEAKER_00And that'll happen in a marriage a lot too. Think about it. You know, there's a lot of little mishaps, ticky-tack argument things that happen in marriages, just little, little things that build up, man. And a lot of people that go drink it and they're like, ah, my wife's pissing me off. My husband, he's a douche. You know, my wife's a bitch, my husband's a douche. You know what? I'm gonna go to the bar with John and I'm gonna have four or five beers. You know, I'm just forget about it. But you never really solve that problem with your wife. You never really talked about that problem with your husband. And you don't think about it and you wake up the next day and you don't really give a fuck. But it still happened, it still went unresolved. It's still what I call put down underneath the proverbial rug. And if you keep doing that every single day, you keep putting things underneath the proverbial rug. This is what I was talking about in that video that you mentioned. The rug gets bigger and bigger if you don't solve those problems. If you just drink and you say, That's my that's how I solve my problems, is I'm gonna go to the bar with John and drink five beers, or I'm gonna get blackout, whatever, however, you want to do it. It's not good. And the rug gets bigger, and then all of a sudden, those ticky-tacky arguments that you thought were so little, all of a sudden you truly hate your husband or you truly hate your wife, and your marriage is fucked.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that resentment builds up. Because it's just you're in a constant state of it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, like, fuck, dude, we're from the Midwest who has like popularized the whole like ask my bitch wife, my bitch wife's mad, I'm at the bar, my stupid bitch wife. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00We're in a region in the Midwest where like drinking is super popular. I l there's no mistake about it. People in Michigan, people in Ohio, people in Wisconsin, like the Midwest, we get after it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, because there's like it's beautiful for three months out of the year. Like you go there, it's great for three months, and then the rest of the time, like everyone's just playing catch-up constantly, and everyone's stressed about bills and everything, and then everyone puts in all their work in the summer. Kind of I posted a podcast today and I touched on it too. Um just like the constant hustle that you have to do in the summer months just to be able to cover your spread through the whole year, like contracting restaurants, fucking grocery stores, like it all slows down.
SPEAKER_00Well, it's especially like that up here in northern Michigan because it's so seasonal. Like, no one wants to be up here, no one wants to be up here in the winter. I was up here, you were up here, it's slow, and so places like this, yeah, you're always playing ketchup, you're always trying to profit the most during the summer because that's when people are here. It's not so much like that in Lansing, luckily. Like, there's definitely a pretty consistent stream of divorces happening. And you know what? Marriages are truly happening less and less. Like, people are starting to realize that like this whole marriage thing might be I don't know, like not for them. Yeah, uh, but it's still like every single day someone's asking for help or something like that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Do you think it's like people are getting married less and less uh because of like the internet and this like newfound, like it's all instant gratification, and you don't necessarily get that in real relationships?
SPEAKER_00Well, yeah, the internet definitely plays with a huge or plays a huge factor in people not getting married because there's temptation and there's also like ideology that confuses people. There's like a lot of promotion that marriage is a scam, and you might never think that had you scrolled on your phone and saw someone saying that marriage was a scam. So the internet is you know fun and it's good for information. I love getting my sports highlights updates on that thing. A lot of pretty girls on the internet, some funny dudes, some funny dudes talking about sobriety, but there's a lot of distraction and it's bad stuff. Like, if you truly want your marriage to succeed, your best op your best opportunity, your best chance is to just get rid of the internet, get rid of your social media, get rid of the Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, all of it, and like you won't poison your brain.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
SPEAKER_02I don't know. I feel like I've never really been successful in relationships, even like post-sobriety, because like there's just always that there's something better at every turn. Like, at least that's what you think. Like grass is always greener and it's just rolls and rolls and rolls, and it's tough to get out of that mindset if again, like you said, like little things, like oh my god, you know, my girlfriends fucking she took way too long of a shower today. I didn't get a shower in, and I'm like now I'm late for work. Like it's yeah, at the end of the day, it's not something that like ruins your fucking life, but it's something that you know you think about long enough, and then you get on Instagram, and then like a fucking cute girl fucking liked your photo, and you're like, okay, yeah, like fuck my girlfriend, I can go find somebody else. Maybe this one's a good one.
SPEAKER_00Or she doesn't even have to like your photo either. It's just like you get on the internet and there's just some cute girl that's you know, just looks amazing. There's just constant distractions for men and women. I've had married women, married women try to communicate with me inappropriately.
SPEAKER_03Like it's it's it goes both ways.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_00But it's interesting that you said that your dating or like settling down and finding a girlfriend hasn't been any easier, even with your sobriety. Because true, we're both sober, we're both single, we're both kind of like always single. Maybe kind of have a girlfriend for a year here and there, but like nothing crazy consistent. And um, I have found even in my sobriety that it's still the same. Like when I was not sober, it was not easy to be in a relationship. Now that I'm sober, it's still not so easy. But I will say this in terms of your dating life as a man, if there's men listening to this podcast right now, it is a lot easier dating as a sober person than it is as a person who drinks or prioritizes drinking. Yeah, hear me out. Now, going out on dates is fun, and like going and get drinks is like such a great way to go out on a date and just like I don't know, bring about conversation. But if you go out on a date and let's say she gets a drink and you don't drink, and you tell her like that you're sober, it does something to their mind where it's just like a respect or they're impressed, or they take you more seriously. Like it's just it's just different. So, as a man, if you're struggling with the dating department and you don't want to be single and you want to find a girlfriend, but you're like, why do I keep failing? I go out to the bars, I get drunk, I'm in all the right places to meet girls, you know. They don't like me, you know. Maybe try something different, maybe pull back on the booze and see if that works out for you. It's just an observation that I've had for myself personally, but yeah, no, and I found that in sobriety in dating, my standards are now like higher.
SPEAKER_02Like, I don't I don't settle on like all this shit because like I used to just settle on like all this crazy shit when I was drinking. Like I'd be like red flags, like never fucking heard of them. And then now I'm like constantly like going through everything and everyone and like vetting them. And I'm like, okay, like you we have similar interests in this, like we can move forward. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Well, I agree. Like the standards definitely do raise when you're sober. Just it, you don't do it, like you're not aware of it. It just happens over time. Um, but like I'm not proud to say this, but when I was drinking, there was definitely circumstances where I met someone at a bar and just had like one night stance. That doesn't happen. That doesn't happen as a sober person. Like, I don't do that shit. I don't go to the bar and like meet a girl and take her home. Like, if I'm going to the bar, I'm getting diet cokes and just enjoying my friend's presence. Yeah, I'm just enjoying my friend's presence and like having a good time. Like, you're just so much more aware of what you're worth. You're so much more aware of the risk involved with just being extremely promiscuous. And yeah, you're like your vetting process and your standards are much higher.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And I've like, I found even like working in bars still and all this, like, I run into so many women, and then like they slide into your DMs, they get your phone number, whatever, and then they're always texting you or trying to like hang out at like 11 p.m. at night. And then they're like getting done at after like drinking, and then they're trying to hang out with you. And I'm stone-ass sober. I'm just hanging out with my dogs, and then they're trying to come over, and I've I've let it happen more so in like the beginning of my sobriety where they come over and they just kind of like flop around and try to get them food and water, and then like they fall asleep, and then the next day, you know, whatever happens, happens. But it's so fucking annoying, like it's so fucking annoying, and it's annoying that they like they think that that's okay, too. Like, I found that I'm like, what the fuck are they doing? Like, how do they think that like this is something that's cool that I'm gonna be impressed? Kind of thing.
SPEAKER_00Well, it's also a product of your environment. You gotta think of where you are located currently, right now, right? You're like in the outskirts or in Scottsdale, Arizona, is that correct? Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, that is a very highly populated, highly concentrated party central area. Like, me personally, I've actually spoken to a decent amount of girls like that are really good girls that just do not prioritize that shit. Honestly, I if I if I'm talking to a girl and she like is even the slight like I party every weekend, I like going to clubs and all that kind of shit. I'm I'm okay with her going out, socializing, having fun with friends. Like, I'm not controlling like that at all. But if you prioritize that, like that is your life, I'm out. I'm not dealing with that. And like, kudos to you. You can, you, you can, I don't give a fuck. But it's just not something that I want to deal with. And it's a lot easier for me. I'm from Michigan, bro. Like, I live in East Lansing, like yeah, it's a college town, but the people that are not in college, they're not really partying that much. So it's it's easier for me to find girls that do not party and prioritize that stuff than it is for you because just strictly because where we're located.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, for sure. I find uh so I recently I mean, I'm on like dating apps and shit, and I recently like put the plug of the podcast in the dating app bio because I'm trying to generate more fucking revenue.
SPEAKER_01Well, that's gonna be more views, yeah.
SPEAKER_02And so they game they always initially slide in and they're like, oh my god, what is your podcast about? And I'll like rip the band-aid off. I'm like, you know, I'm four years, two months sober, it's about sobriety, it's about helping other people get sober, and then they they're like one of two, right? Like they're either impressed by by my fucking gumption, or they're like, Oh, you're sober, and then like I never hear from them again.
SPEAKER_00Okay, I've had that experience before. Here's what I'll say to that. Those girls that walk away or find you uninteresting strictly because of your sobriety are fucking losers. Those girls are straight up losers that you do not want to waste your time with, anyways. If they think that the only way you can be interesting or fun or attractive is you drink and go out, is it's their priorities are in complete la la land. You don't even want to waste your time with those types of girls. But the ones that do find respect to it, the ones that are like, oh, that's hot, oh, that's impressive, those are the good ones. Those are the ones you want to keep around. And I find, I don't know about in Scottsdale, but I find that the number of girls that appreciate a man that's sober as opposed to wish he drank outweighs it a lot more. There's a lot more that appreciate the sobriety as opposed to judge it because you gotta think about it logically. You're 3? 34, 34, I'm 29. Our dating pool is people that are looking to settle down, and and they're not looking for some dumbass that's getting hammered all the time. They see sober, they see sober, they think stable, good decision making, financially responsible, husband-worthy. So the ones the ones that judge you for your sobriety, goodbye. Who cares? They are they are the biggest walking red flag that you can ever imagine.
SPEAKER_02I just think it's funny, like every time it happens like statistically, it probably happens like one out of five matches, where like all of a sudden they're just gonna so fucking weird. Or uh if they come to like the bar, because like I get el pull numbers like often at the bar, or like I have girls that are interested in the game. Bartenders and like they're always, especially in the moment, because they're drinking and they're like having fun, they want to keep that going. So, like they're constantly like, What are you doing after your shift? Like, what time do you get done? Because they're trying to like nail this home right away because they it's that instant gratification thing that we talked about. This coming from there's their time on the internet, so they're trying to like prolong this night, and they're like, What time are you done? And I'm like, Oh, like I'm done at this time, and they're like, Well, let's go grab a drink at wherever. And I'm like, I actually, you know, like don't drink after work. Like, I like to just go home. I gotta walk my dogs, eat dinner, relax. And as soon as you say that, like they're actively drinking, and just the look on their face most of the time when they find out that you're sober, like they're like, Oh fuck. Like, they don't know how to even like handle it or talk about it at that point.
SPEAKER_00And then people immediately judge when they hear sober, they think, oh, this dude's probably got a problem. Like, oh shit, he's sober. He's probably it's probably fucked in the head, so they immediately get uncomfortable because it's not necessarily normal, but it is normal.
SPEAKER_02I do have a problem. Like, I'm I'm one of the ones that like shouldn't drink. Like, I'm one of the ones that you know drank too much and then now I have to be sober.
SPEAKER_00But that doesn't mean that her reaction, that doesn't mean even if you are one of the ones or not one of the ones, it doesn't mean that her reaction needs to be like, oh, dude, are you okay? Like, dude, I'm a bartender, this is my job. Like, I chose to be here, no one's forcing me to be here. I'm okay. Yeah, I would get that all the time as a bartender, too. Like, you're sober bartender? Like, how do you do it? I'm like, dude, I I go to work, I put on my shoes, I pour drinks way too strong, and I still am sober.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, put my pants on the same as you. Exactly.
SPEAKER_00Like that's what we do, and I can see how it affects other people. Like, you know, someone that is an addict, an addict, and they're a bartender, I could see that being a struggle. You and I stopped drinking for different different reasons, as everyone does. It doesn't really matter why you stop, it's just like being sober is cool. Um, but I gotta imagine it would be hard for some people.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I mean, it's been I mean, I don't want to say it's like a constant struggle because I don't want to be like dreary about it for anyone who's like trying to get sober, but like it's it's not easy. It's not an easy job to keep up with. But continuing bartending while being sober after my circumstances where I was addicted to it and it ran my entire life for so long, it keeps me on this, it keeps me on my toes, and it keeps a constant reminder, and it's always in front of me. So, like I know a lot of people get sober and they just have triggers. They have triggers like out the fucking wazoo. My sister's ex-husband, he was an alcoholic, and he went to like rehab, and he got out and everyone's like tiptoeing around him. It's like fucking constant eggshells, and they're like, Don't don't talk about that in front of him, or like, oh, you guys can't do that in front of him because of his triggers, like he'll get triggered. And I remember being like, Fuck that, like fuck fuck triggers, yeah. Like if you're yeah, I mean it's in front of you all the time, but yeah, like triggers I feel like are a cop out. Like, if you're gonna be that fucking close to falling off the wagon that you're gonna blame somebody walking by you with a fucking beer, like get the fuck out of here, get stronger. Like be like force yourself to be in front of it, force yourself to be in those situations at the beginning, because then you're gonna not even think about it when you're doing it a couple years later. You're gonna be at weddings and you're not gonna have to like call your fucking sponsor in the middle of it and be like, oh, people are drinking. Uh, how dare they? Like, who gives a fuck? Right. Like, I don't give a fuck if people come in and drink. I don't give a fuck if people get drunk in front of me. Like, I don't give a shit because I've built that like callus over all of the triggers.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's a very interesting point and an interesting way to bring up. Like, that does make sense. You are desensitized to alcohol from seeing it, serving it, being around it, being present with it. Like, you look at alcohol every single day. And then for someone that is an alcoholic, that would desensitize you. Just kind of like if you're uh an EMT and your first time looking at uh someone being injured might be a little weird or scary, but the more and more you do it, you kind of get numb to it. And then if you're an alcoholic and you just hide, you hide every single day from alcohol. Oh, I can't be around it because as soon as I see a beer, I'm gonna want to rip that thing. And there's gonna be a moment in your fucking life that you're gonna see a beer. It's just how it works, right? You can't hide from it, you got to just accept that. And I guess by being a bartender, you force yourself to be in that situation, and uh you've you've learned, you've desensitized yourself, so that's that's cool.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying that everyone should just get sober and become a bartender, but uh no, but it's an interesting way to do it. Yeah, like I think it's just like just face it. Like, I think everyone just needs to face down whatever the fuck they're running from, otherwise it's gonna be a constant running from it. I mean I agree. You like we got sober for different reasons, but like you got sober pretty like early into your bartending career, and you were like, Yeah, I'm just gonna keep bartending. Like, I love talking to people, like I just love doing this, and I remember when you were doing that, and like in my head, because I was still so new to sobriety too, that I was like, Man, this fucker's never gonna last. I remember thinking that all the time every day you're coming out, I was like, You drink yet, Tyler? And you were like, nope, you didn't believe in me, you didn't believe in me.
SPEAKER_01I think it was more, I just didn't believe in myself still at the time.
SPEAKER_02So, like, I was like, Man, like if I'm struggling with it, I just I don't see anybody else getting through it, kind of thing, which is that was like super selfish of me and everything. But we had each other. We did, yeah, yeah, we had each other, even with uh, Tyler, I don't like you.
SPEAKER_00And and he was a constant reminder of why we don't want to drink as well. But if you think about it, if you think about it, I understand why you didn't expect me to continue to be sober because I was a straight up party boy. I like to get hammered. I was living on the lake, it was summer, like perfect time to just indulge in beverages. But if you're coming into work and you're struggling with your sobriety and you ask Knucklehead Ty, hey, are you still sober? And he says yes, he's still sober. In the back of your head, you're probably like, fuck, I can't break before this guy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, maybe it was a little bit of that too. I was like, fuck, you're like, you know, if he if he falls off, maybe maybe I can fall off after a couple days, but yeah, I can't be the first one to go.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and it was at first it was easy for me because I had to. I had no other option, which you at first weren't aware that I had no other option.
SPEAKER_03I was drug testing myself for the first six months, and then after six months of drug testing myself, I was like, I realized I don't really need to drink alcohol anymore.
SPEAKER_00Now, granted, throughout this three-year process of being sober, there's definitely numerous times where it pops in my head where I'm like, wow, it would be really nice to drink alcohol or be drunk. Like, not necessarily the act of drinking alcohol, but like the state of mind of being inebriated is what I sort of miss. Um, but that's not the right thought thought process, and so I'm still sober today, but I I definitely still have temptations.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, for sure. I still get uh every once in a while, it it like doesn't depend on stress or anything, like it's just completely out of the blue, and I'll get these like crazy fucking urges, and it like just it's in my ears, and like I can hear, I can hear it like calling for me. And it's honestly like some of the scariest moments of my now life. Like I get these little and it fucking like eats away at me, and I have to completely shut myself in. Like I've had times in my apartment where like I'm like I can't leave I can't even go to the grocery store today. Yeah, like I have to just honker down to stay distracted, like listen to fucking I've been listening to Theo Vaughn a lot lately, so like I've listened to Yeah, Theo Vaughn's good. He talks about his sobriety like similar, like it's a lot of like humor and shit around it, which is I think is important. But uh yeah, it's like so. I'm not like I don't think that anyone uh in addiction or anybody who goes through sobriety, especially in this society, is actually like fully safe. Like I think that you need to just stay on top of it, like regardless of how you got sober or whatever. I think everyone needs to just keep reminding themselves of why.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and it's recognizing the everyday reminders of why you are sober, as opposed to thinking about the very few moments of drinking alcohol and the state of mind and how brief that satisfaction truly is, because the everyday is what is truly satisfying. Like waking up every day, feeling refreshed, having a good night's sleep, um, gaining strength, being healthy, like rejuvenating your skin, releasing your stress, releasing your anxiety, all of these types of things, getting rid of the black circles underneath of your fucking eyes, the age spots start to go away, um, your bank account starts to look a little bigger at the end of the month, like all those things which are everyday reminders that you don't necessarily recognize, that helps to recognize those things as a sober person, but especially when you're getting those temptations. Like, why am I doing this? I want to drink a beer right now, I want to get drunk, but why do I want to get drunk, or why haven't I been drunk in a long time? And it's for all the reasons that I just laid out before that. I get temptation, I get crazy dreams. Like I'm a dream guy. I go to sleep and I get vivid ass dreams, and it's kind of like how I'm feeling that day. Sometimes they're nightmares, sometimes they're pretty amazing dreams, which I'm not gonna go into detail, but they're nice. You're that lady. Sometimes, yeah, sometimes I have vivid dreams of me drinking booze, and then I wake up and I'm like, did I drink booze? But I'm like, no, I didn't. I didn't drink booze, but it's like me in this lot, and there's this this crispy, ice cold beer that's like a 22 ouncer, and I just am just chugging this thing, and then I wake up and I'm like, whoa. I've had that dream, I've had that dream quite a few times, actually.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I get those every once in a while, and I have to wake up. It's crazy. Yeah. Like, what the fuck am I doing? Yeah, you wake up, you wake up in your bed and you're like, am I drunk right now? I have uh because of everything that I went through, like at the like with my withdrawals and everything, and I would have like these vivid hallucinations where like I would like make up like whole lives in my head and everything. And then when I had the seizure and my heart stopped, and I was in the ICU for seven days, I like was in and out of consciousness, and it was all like different, like everything was warped, everything was like so fucked up. I was imagining the craziest shit. And like I would have like I imagined my entire life while I was like on a hospital bed, like I imagined like a whole life that happened without me, and it was just it rattled my perception of reality a little bit. So even fucking after four years, there's still moments when I like have to take a step back and I have to be like, is any of this actually fucking real?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's real. Trust me. I'm I'm real. It was all that DMT shooting into your brain because it thought it was it thought you were dying and you were hallucinating like uh alternative lives, and you're like, hold on a second. It is this for real? No, it's for real. You survived. Congratulations. And but things like that, you know, it'll it'll certainly alter the brain. I've never I've never been through anything like that. But just the experience of sobriety is for sure brain altering. Um I can't imagine you said seven days you were in a coma. No, I was in the ICU for seven days.
SPEAKER_02Uh I came out of like it was it was all over the place. Like I remember bits and pieces of kind of like waking up. Uh the first time I woke up, and it must have been like after like a day or two. And I remember and this is from withdrawals. Yeah. I had a we like I was half gallon a day, probably more at this point. Um, and then we went to an Elton John concert in Detroit, me and a couple of friends, and they were big beer drinkers, and I didn't bring enough booze to like keep up with like whatever my body needed. So I was trying to like fix it, and then I didn't get enough, so I started active withdrawal like that next day, and we were driving back up, and they wanted to go to brunch. So they're inside eating brunch and like Royal Oak or something. And I remember being in the backseat of this rental car, and it was next to it was like a Tuesday, and it was next to a playground, like a school in a playground. And I remember opening the door, and there's kids at a recess, and I'm just throwing up and like driving out of this car, and these kids are like at the fence, like, what the fuck is going on?
SPEAKER_00God almighty, dude.
SPEAKER_02And then they get back in the car, and like my one friend's like worried about me, like I'm going through it, and he's like, What is gonna happen?
SPEAKER_00Fuck yeah, I would be worried about you too. Good lord.
SPEAKER_02And he's like, What's gonna help? And I'm like, Well, I need alcohol, like it to get rid of withdrawals, like I need to put alcohol back into my system, or else this is gonna be a seven-day you know, withdrawal detox. And I'd already gone through it like 15 to 20 times, and withdrawals get worse every time you have them. Like your third withdrawal is gonna be way worse than your first withdrawal, and so on and so forth. Like your tremors get worse, your dehydration gets worse, your hallucinations get worse. Like so, after the fucking twenty times, uh, I'm just going through it and I Had a seizure, I guess. Like I had a seizure and like my heart stopped. They called an ambulance that picked me up on the freeway and threw me in this ambulance. And I remember coming to in the ambulance, and they were like, they were like, Are you alright? Are you alright? And there's two paramedics. Oh and I they were like, who like they're looking through all my shit, trying to figure out like who to call, my emergency contact, all that. And I was engaged previously to that girl in Grand Rapids. And I remember giving them her phone number and being like, This is my fiance, call her, tell her what's going on. I'm in Grand Rapids, and they're like, You're not in fucking Grand Rapids. And I was like, I'm pretty sure I'm in Grand Rapids.
SPEAKER_01And I'm like, just call her, she'll sort it out.
SPEAKER_02And then I went back under, and then I came to like a day or two later in the ICU, just filled with I have fucking tubes coming out of me. The works. Catheter. And it was one of those like rollover catheters, so it wasn't like up in me. And I remember just ripping everything out and like getting off the bed and being like, I'm so sorry to bother you. I'll just get out of here. And then they just like nurses and fucking everyone comes running around me, and there's like blood everywhere. And then I came to Then I came to like a day later, probably, and I was strapped to the bed because I was a flight risk. So they strapped me to the bed to make sure that like I made it through whatever I was going through. Yeah. And then I came to a couple days later, like officially, and I was in this room with and there was a curtain between me and this guy. And the guy would like talk, and he he was arguing with his grandma a lot on the phone. And I'm dude, I'm fucking working through some shit myself. Like I'm like trying to figure out what the fuck's going on. I'm like fishing around for my phone. I'm looking for all my stuff. I can't walk. Like my legs don't work at this point. So I'm like, I think I'm fucking paralyzed. Why don't why don't your legs work? What happened to your legs? I think it was just like from being in the bed for so long and like my body going through so much like shock and trauma. Like my legs just I tried to get out of bed to go pee, and I just fucking faceplanted, and the nurse is like, what the fuck are you doing?
SPEAKER_00That's fucking. Sorry to laugh at your your fails, but that's pretty funny. It's funny. Um I just want the record to show that our upbringings to sobriety were very different. I I've never experienced anything like that. I became sober. I did party a lot, I did drink a lot, I became sober because I was trying to become a lawyer, just letting the record show. Um I was studying for the bar, and I needed to focus on my studies, but I was also having some issues with character and fitness, and so I needed to become sober to prove to them that my character was good. And then throughout that process, I recognized sobriety was something that I enjoyed, and so that's why I continue to practice it. I could have potentially ended up like in a situation like you were in. Luckily, somehow by the grace of God, I figured it out before.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I mean, there's like there's different types of alcoholism. I think there's like three. There's where I was at, where it's a full-blown chemical dependency, your body's always. Oh red alcoholism. Yeah. And then there's like binge drinking, and then there's uh like the casual like weekenders where like every weekend.
SPEAKER_03I was too. I was the binge drinker. It wasn't like that.
SPEAKER_00Oh fuck yeah. I would get absolutely after it. Like, I I mean you saw me, um, but you would see me like the next day. I would still be like kind of messed up, and our shift started off at like four o'clock in the afternoon. But I was not like the casual, let's have some drinks on a Friday, Saturday. I'm depending on it socially, which is one version of being an alcoholic, is depending on it socially. It's it's not as severe, but it's it's a version. And then there was me who was like, okay, if I'm gonna drink, I'm gonna get after it. Like, I'm gonna go until I'm completely inebriated. And and sometimes I'll go on seven to ten day benders if if my schedule permits it. Um, and then there was you, code red, complete dependency, like we need help. So I would say I was more of like a level two or the second one that you mentioned, um, and then just I got lucky before I turned into code red.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I mean, I had the I had the build-up. Like I started very much like in school, in high school. Oh, same. Where yeah, where you're drinking like whenever you kind of can, like once a month.
SPEAKER_00A water bottle of vodka.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_00But this is water, this is water, but like that's what I used to drink.
SPEAKER_01Just let the record show.
SPEAKER_00That's what I used to drink when I was a kid, like 16, 17. We'd get ready for the boat. You know, you gotta be a little sneakier on the parents, fill up a water bottle of vodka and just yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_02And we were like sneaking off at lunch, and we were drinking and like smoking weed in the cars at lunch, and then going back to the house. Oh yeah, baby. Yeah, real rock stars. Um and then and then I met a girl in my early 20s, and she was like, she like saw the alcohol, she was like an alcoholic sniffer. She was like, she saw it in me, and she was like, You're gonna be an alcoholic. And I was like, You're fucking crazy. And she's she knew it. Uh shout out to her, she knew it from the fucking room.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, probably because her father was an alcoholic.
SPEAKER_02Yes. Yeah. From Beaver Island as well. So she just knew it was. I mean, come on. Um yeah, she made me be sober for like a really long time. And then after we broke up, I kind of like, you know, fucking raisin Amish shit, and I rum springer the shit out of it, and I just kind of didn't really turn back. And that's when like drugs became like really heavy in it too, which you know, drugs. It all leads to a while.
SPEAKER_00It all leads to one another, they all correlate. Booze is beer or alcohol is mixed with well. It's mixed well with so many drugs, you know. People love doing all sorts of drugs and drink alcohol, so it's just it just leads to that path.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, it's uh it's like a because you're just more suppressed, like it's just pushing all of your feelings further down, and then for me it was like being cool. Like I had this constant yeah, where I'm like, I'm cool as hell. Are you kidding me? A fucking eight ball and a fifth? I'm the coolest fucking guy I know. And I was like, I could never be cool without this. And turns out I'm like significantly fucking cooler than I was when I was drinking.
SPEAKER_00You my younger self would laugh at me if someone came back and told him, like, dude, when you turn 26, you're gonna become sober, and you're gonna be sober for multiple years. My younger self would be like, You're a fucking loser, dude. Like, I'm gonna party my ass off, and I'm gonna drink because that is how I am cool, that is how I am interesting, that's how people recognize me. Like it was an identity sort of thing. Now I guess I'm in the process or have changed what like my identity is or what my perception or what how people perceive me. But it definitely used to be yeah, if you're gonna be with Tyler, he's gonna party really hard, he's gonna be a really good time. And so when you're first beginning that process of sobriety, it's kind of like you're juggling an identity crisis. You're almost like, who am I anymore? Am I fun? Am I cool? Am I interesting? Come to find out, you're even more fun, you're even more cool, you're even more interesting. You just needed to really settle into your identity and figure out what your hum humor truly is, who you truly are. Put yourself in social circumstances where you can be yourself and be sober and see how you interact, and you know, you'll find your way there.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I know when I got sober, I don't know how it was for you, but like, yeah, full-blown identity identity crisis. I do I got super into birding. I like had bird books, I had a fucking monocular that hooked up to my phone.
SPEAKER_00Okay, that's one way to do it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I had a fucking bird feeder that had a camera attachment to it so I could constantly watch the birds. I have no idea what any of the birds are. I'm no idea.
SPEAKER_00But they're pretty and they're fun to watch.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. But I got so into it, and I was like, this is it, this is my new identity. I should invest in like, you know, a cargo vest with all the pockets and one of those mesh hats. I should get one of those. And just go. You could have been that guy. I could have been that guy.
SPEAKER_00Man, that's it. And that wouldn't have been bad. That that wouldn't have been bad either. I'm looking at birds right now. I just saw Blue Jay fly right across as we were talking about birds. I think that's great that you found peace in bird watching. I think that's great that I think everyone, when they're beginning their journey, like kind of needs something like that. You can't just fucking go put yourself in your room and hide from society. You gotta go out and do something. Put your energy and focus elsewhere. For you, it was bird watching. For me, it was things like content creating and um going to the gym and get like I got super fucking ripped once I became sober. I I always prioritized working out, and I was always fit, but I could never like reach the goals that I wanted to. Now that I've been sober, like you can reach those kind of goals. One of the coolest things about sobriety is your perception of time, how much time you have completely changes. When you're prioritizing things things like drinking and going out every single weekend and recovering every single Sunday, that's two to three days every single week. That's that's 140 days a year. That's numerous months of your life that you're not progressing, you're not getting better. Sure, you're having a good time, sure you're you're you're making memories and socializing and having fun and the dopamine's shooting off. But when you stop doing that and you get those 144 days, and you do it for three years, and then you get you get 366 days back of progress, and and you get three, you get multiple days back of being able to work on yourself. And instead of going out and drinking on the weekends, now you're you know doing things like creating memories with your family, you're uh taking time to recover, you're working out on the weekend, you're sleeping in and relieving stress, you're creating new hobbies, starting podcasts, starting TikTok accounts, um anything. It's just more time on your hands for you to do stuff to make you the best version of yourself. And that was something that I didn't realize what was going to be a benefit, but it's gotta be one of the greatest benefits. And going off of that and time, you know, like we all value time so much. We all wish we could have a little more time, be a little more younger. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like in the back of our head, we all wish we had more time. But when you're someone that's sober, your perception of how long time actually is completely changes. Like when I was drinking and binge drinking and going out, and every single weekend, like years would fly by, months would fly by, moments would fly by. But when you're sober, like time truly does slow down. It is crazy. Your perception of what time is. This last three years have been the longest three years of my life, and I'm completely okay with that because I am in no rush to speed things up whatsoever. And I think it's just because one, I'm doing so many different things because I'm not doing the same thing every single day. I'm not or every single week. I'm not just drinking and just like wasting my time and and putting my life on repeat. And so when I mix it up a little bit, it just it just changes how fast time is going by. And then another thing is I'm I'm way more present. I'm not just drinking and like forgetting an entire night. I am completely present in the moment at all times, and so the last three years have seemed very slow, and I'm like so okay with that. Yeah, like meeting you and starting sobriety and be and being a bartender, it wasn't that long ago. It seems like a lifetime ago because we've progressed so much. You've moved to Arizona, you've gotten promotions, you've got a new job, you started a podcast, I became a fucking lawyer. Like, yeah, we've progressed, yeah. Yeah, we've progressed so much, and like, would we have been able to do that if we were continuing our old habits? You absolutely not, me, absolutely not. I would have never been able to to do what I've accomplished in the last three years had I been drinking, and so you know, I I could not be more proud of you and myself.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I agree.
SPEAKER_02I think yeah, dude, you fucking just from the time that I met you, um, you were what? You were fresh out of law school, you hadn't taken the bar yet, you were still sort of drinking, and then like you decided to get sober shortly after that. Then you went through all of your like turmoil. Congrats and props to you for literally going through some of the scariest years you possibly could have gone through and staying on the wagon and not deciding to drink. Cause like fuck, dude, like that would probably take out most people. So you're strong as hell for that.
SPEAKER_00Thank you. My sobriety was my strength. You know, what what you know what you're referencing is what I had to go through with character and fitness, and I got caught cheating in law school, and basically I I was potentially not going to be able to be a lawyer because of that mishap in law school, because of cheating. And I don't need to go into detail about it, but it was extremely stressful. It was a lot of pressure, there was a lot on the line, and I could have gone to drinking and it could have made that process even worse. I don't think I would have ever became a lawyer if I continued drinking. Um, but my sobriety was truly my strength. I mentioned this earlier. I said, like, if you are sober and these mishaps happen to you, your ability to handle them, you're so much more equipped to handle the negatives of life if you are sober as opposed to if you're drinking. And so I'm so glad that when I was going through that process, I kept my I kept my sobriety because it's the only reason that that I'm here today as an attorney speaking to you.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I mean that's huge in hindsight for sure. But yeah, in the moment, but uh it gets a lot of people that pressure, that stress gets the people because drinking's just so easy. Going out and buying alcohol, drinking, pressing, forgetting is so fucking easy. Actually facing down your shit and your responsibilities like you did, and you took it. I mean you took it like an adult, like you were like, This is what I have to do in order to get to the you know, finish line, and you fucking did it.
SPEAKER_00And that's huge. It was it was a huge adulting transition in my life. It really was. I mean, before that, I was childish, I was immature, I was prioritizing the wrong things, drinking and partying and like experiences like getting hammered on the boat and things like that, which is great. I get it. Um, and I shifted that focus into I need to get my law license, and how I'm gonna do that is one, I'm gonna get sober, and then two, I'm gonna pass this fucking character and fitness portion. And and what happened throughout that process was you know, I learned who I truly was because of my sobriety, but also I was deeply humbled throughout all this, which was something that I needed. I was before I was party boy, Thai, always a good time, but could you ever really take him seriously? And now I'm I'm Thai. I am a lawyer that is reliable, that people rely on. And it's the only way I got here was because one, I was deeply humbled by that character and fitness portion or that character and fitness process. I had to tell people for three years, numerous people, hundreds of people, I'm not a lawyer because I cheated, because I lied, and I'm going through this process, and I took it on the chin, and then I also became sober, and and the the three years that that sort of process took, it was the hardest shit ever, but I am so grateful that I went for it because I'm I'm a better person now, and and I needed it. I needed to get you know slapped right across the fucking face, and I got slapped so hard, and I I am grateful for it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I mean, especially when it all happened and you were telling people like that put you in a position of accountability, which is huge. I mean, that's the only reason that I'm actually sober still because once I got sober, I had to shift it up because otherwise I would have just gone back to it. And I used to be so afraid of telling people that I'm sober and I don't drink anymore because of how they might think of me or they might think less of me or whatever. And this time I was like, no, I need to I need to be accountable for my shit. So as soon as I got that's a great lesson. I was like, I'm sober, I can't drink. This is everything that I've done in my entire life bad. Like I was dude, I was telling strangers on the fucking street. I'm like, hey, hey, hey, hey, Brian, I'm sober, I can't drink. Uh drank half gallon a day. I cheated on a lot of girlfriends, real piece of shit.
SPEAKER_00And that's so beautiful to hear. I mean, not that you drink a half gallon a day, but like accountability is such a strong lesson to learn, especially as a man. And in Brian, I don't I don't mean to cut us short, but I'm gonna cut us off after this because that one, I gotta pee, and two, my phone's gonna die pretty soon. But I'm gonna wrap this shit all up. I'm gonna wrap this shit all up right here on accountability. We grew on accountability, and what I've seen in my profession as a divorce attorney is so many men not be able to take accountability, learn from our mistakes. Sure, we're not married, but we were deeply humbled. We made, we made big, big mistakes. And what did we do? We took accountability, we owned it on our chins and we told people about it. We were upfront, we communicated it. We were not, we didn't shy away from it. And if you're a man and you're hearing this podcast and you're married or you're in a relationship and you want that relationship to work, learn how to take accountability. If you've never been humbled in your life, figure out how to become more humble because it will take you, it will take you as far as you possibly can go in life. And and that's how I'll I'll end it right there.
SPEAKER_02Fuck yeah. That is Ty Taker Tekken with the news right there. Thank you, baby. Thank you. Thank you for joining me. Thanks for being my first.
SPEAKER_03Amen. Let's do it again sometime.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_03I appreciate you, brother. Alright, love you too. Take care.