Enjoy the Little Wins

In this episode I talk about enjoying the little wins that sobriety brings instead of focusing on the huge things you want sobriety to make happen.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome back to Rock Bottom is the new normal. This is your boy Brian. I have some playoff pistons in the background right now. Um, James Harden's flopping is enough to make you want to drink. Like, this dude just flopping anytime he gets the ball, no matter what, is enough to make you want to drink. Everyone is constantly like giving shit to LeBron for flopping, and all these people were like, that's just like the game of basketball now. Like, you have to flop to get by. And James Harden is absolutely the biggest flopper. Anyway, that's just a separate ramp. Um, somebody told me recently about how I have to change up my whole thought process on how I'm doing this and how I have to show a different side of sobriety to entice more people to get sober. Um, and I've been thinking about it, you know, because they said like I need to show me going on more hikes and me being more active, which, you know, I do. I go on hikes, I'm active. Um, but I thought I thought a lot about it because like I sat with it and I was like, maybe I'm not showing the right content, maybe I'm not talking about the right content to even make a dent in it or help anybody trying to get sober or try to stay sober, whatever, whoever's listening, whatever the reason you're listening. Um so I thought about it a lot, and I came to the conclusion that what I'm showing you, what I'm talking about, is my, you know, my finish line, my dream that I got out of sobriety. I have, you know, like I have like consistency, I have order, I have I'm safe, I'm comfortable. And that's something that I never had in alcoholism. I spent a lot of time, you know, not having a steady paycheck, a steady job, uh, a steady place to live. I spent a lot of time couch surfing, I'd crash at girlfriends' houses, I was inconsistent with rent. I never actually like filled out an entire lease at places. Like I was in and out everywhere because I let alcohol ideas and like I would always just pick alcohol over everything else or drugs. Like I was like, oh, like rent's due. I have just enough for rent. And I'd be like, what I could go out, I could go out too. I could justify going out. You know, like I'll make money eventually. People will understand. Most of the time, thankfully, people did understand. Um, people gave me a lot of opportunities, people gave me a lot of shots. But I was so inconsistent in my life with relationships, with, like I said, jobs, with places I lived, cars, like everything in my life was so wildly inconsistent that now that I'm sober and I have I have my own place to live that I've been living for a while, and I'm, you know, I'm never behind on rent. Like I have a consistent job, consistent money coming in. I'm not losing sleep over, you know, paying my just paying my bills. Like that's like, for most people, that's just a super consistent thing automatically. Like that's a non-negotiable for a lot of people. But when I was drinking, like it wasn't a non-negotiable for me. Like I was always like, nah, it'll it'll play out. And it like hardly ever fully played out in my favor. I was always bouncing around, you know. Um so when they said that, when they said that I need to show more content like that, and they said, because a lot of people fear that in alcoholism, that they won't be able to do active stuff and do fun stuff and like get out and like you know, explore the world, you know, that resonated with me, but not in the way, like I didn't, that wasn't my experience. I I was out, I was out on the town, I was out, you know, thotting and bopping around. I was I went to Hawaii, like I traveled, I lived different places. Like I never felt like I was getting robbed of you know my mobility or anything when I was an alcoholic. Like, if anything, I was down to do a lot more stuff that was out of my comfort zone. Um so if that is the case, like if you are feeling that, like maybe look into what I'm saying as it's all about achieving your own personal goals. Like my personal goal with sobriety was to obtain safety and comfortability and stability, which I just never had. And I I just adore it so much. Like I love, I love sitting at home. Like sitting at home and watching TV with my dogs on my couch is prime time for me. I still go out and do stuff. Like I'll I'll go to cigar lounges, like I'll go to a dive bar and play pool, I'll I'll hike, I'll like I'm out and about, don't get me wrong, but I just don't, I guess, show that stuff. And I guess I can start showing that stuff just to maybe get some more people interested in sobriety. Um but yeah, so that's just been sitting with me these past few weeks because I just I just never think about like what other people's perception of sobriety are like what other people like really think sobriety will give them. And I guess the answer, and like I can answer this, is sobriety will give you anything and everything that you're looking for as long as you put in the work for sobriety. Like it's you know how they say, like, what you get, whatever you put into the universe, like that's the same thing with sobriety. Like, if you put in your entirety and you're like 100% about getting sober, you get sober, you do the work. Like if you're an AA, you do the whole steps, like you're committed to sobriety, it's gonna give you back that tenfold. It's gonna give you exactly what you want. Like, if you if you want to go fucking hike, like if you want to be able to do hiking and athletic activities that you aren't able to do like while you're drinking because it has hindered you in some way, like physically, mentally, uh just you'll be able to do it. Absolutely. It's it's a process, and it's it's absolutely a process that you also have to work at. It's a two-way street, it's like a meet in the middle kind of thing. Um yeah, I mean, it's like I said, it I've just been thinking about that a lot, and it made me it made me go back into dive back into my alcoholism and think and remember all of the stuff that I was able to do and I wasn't able to do, all the stuff that sucked, all the stuff that really sucked about alcoholism, like outside of the just the hunt for alcohol in the alcohol withdrawals and how it affected me and my mentality and all that. Um, but a lot of it was just feeling safe. Like I never felt safe. I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I never, I never was able to like just put a stamp on a place and be like, yeah, I live here. Like this is my house. This is gonna be my house in a year, this is gonna be my house, you know, for however long you want to be there. I never had that. And I have it now, and I can't, I can't fucking get over how great it is. Like, I I love it, and sobriety got me to that, and sobriety will get you to whatever you want it to get you to, but like I said, you have to put in the work. Um while thinking back on my alcoholism and just all of it, it like a few points like came up, one of which is I'm so glad that I am able to eat soup now. I can sit down, I can enjoy a nice uh bowl of soup. I don't really eat a lot of soup myself personally, but if I wanted to, I could crush a bowl of soup. And I say that because during my time with alcohol withdrawals, I don't know if a lot of people know about this, can attest to this. Uh, if you don't, like you're about to learn. Um alcohol withdrawals give you the DTs, the delirium tremens, the the tremors. So you're shaky as fuck. For like you're shaky when you're drinking, if you're drunk, like you're just always shaky. And then after, I mean, like once you try to get sober, you're detoxing. Like you are so shaky, uncontrollable tremors. And I remember very specific times I had an ex-fiance, now an ex-fiance at the time we were together, um, and she was, you know, trying to get me to eat food, and I couldn't keep any food down, like couldn't keep water down. So, you know, if anybody's sick, like they're like, just get them some soup. Soup will fix them. So in her head, like she's like, get them, get some soup in them. It's gonna make him feel better. At least he's getting stuff like from the broth and all of that. And I remember I just couldn't eat the soup because I was so fucking shaky. I was shaking it off of my spoon. I was so frustrated that I couldn't even do something as simple as like eat a bowl of soup. And since I've remembered that, since I've been thinking about it, I've been thinking about it a lot with a lot of stuff that I do. You know, like I'm able to drive all the time. I mean, I used to drive drunk all the time anyway. I was fortunate I never got into like any accidents, I never hurt anybody, I never got DUIs, nothing. Like I was fully capable of operating a vehicle under the influence, which is like not ideal either. But now like I I can drive. I can drive past a cop car and I I still have that initial moment where I'm like, oh fuck, like if I get pulled over, like I'm straight up fucked. And then it goes away because I'm like, what am I doing wrong? Like I literally have nothing wrong where they're gonna be like, yeah, you're going to prison, you know, like I need to do a breathalyzer. Um that's a big one. Like, I don't have that fear as I'm driving now of being pulled over, eating soup, driving, sleeping. Like the sleep I get now is so much better than any of the passed out, blacked out, drunken sleep I used to get. I used to be able to sleep like a motherfucker as a drunk person, but it was never like deep, solid sleep. Like I would always wake up needing more. But I also just needed alcohol a lot more than that.

SPEAKER_00 12:35

So I would get up and go find, you know, I'd get on my hustle. What else? Just eating and enjoying, I think, just food overall.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

I used to have to get enough liquor in my body before I could even think about the idea of eating. Like most people wake up, you know, they'll make themselves some coffee and then they'll make breakfast. I used to wake up at 6 a.m., have to chug, you know, a Gatorade bottle that was half vodka, just to be able to go back to sleep until 9 or 10 a.m. Then wake up at 9 or 10 a.m. shaky, you know, needing more, drink another bottle with half vodka in it, let that kick in, and then probably get another like half of like a drink in me before I could eat anything. And then even anything was like toast. You know, like it wasn't anything substantial, it wasn't anything crazy. I didn't enjoy food like I do now. Like, I wasn't like, wow, like that was really fucking good. Like, I was like, you know, that's gonna tide me over, you know, like I've sufficiently put enough in my body that's gonna hold me over for a few more hours so I can get more alcohol in me to be able to even like take a shower, get dressed, then go out. Like to even to even just go to work every day. Like now I can just get up. I can just get up, I can throw clothes on, and I can go to work. Before it had to, it was like a whole process, and I had to get so much alcohol, I had to get the correct amount of alcohol in me to go to work. And believe you, like I had some days where I didn't get enough and I am, you know, going through withdrawals at work. There was also some days that you know I got too much and I was, you know, like fucked up at work, or I just wouldn't go. Like I'd be like, yeah, no, I'm like now I'm on a a party scale, and now I'm just looking to have the most amount of fun for as long as I can. And yeah, now I can just go to work. Like I have never like, no, everyone just takes it for granted. Everyone takes eating, everyone takes like being able to just like drink water, everyone takes going to work for granted. Like I get to just like go to work and work and feel completely fine the entire time. I get to, you know, I could work eight, 10, 12 hours and not be thinking like, oh, in 45 minutes, I'm gonna hit, you know, a withdrawal pattern and I need to get X amount of alcohol in me so that way I can stave it off. So no one here even notices. And it's just it's crazy. It's crazy to me that it's the little things in life like that that I've learned from alcoholism and sobriety, you know, driving, eating toast, eating water, eating soup, going to work. It's all these things that most people I believe take for granted. And I could not be more thankful for all the opportunities that I get to do just day in and day out. You know, like going grocery shopping. I used to never go grocery shopping. I mean, I wasn't eating, so I didn't really fucking care. But I couldn't imagine having alcohol withdrawals or verge of alcohol withdrawals in the middle of a super packed Costco. Like I couldn't even fathom that. But now it's, you know, it's fine. Like I'm not on the defensive anymore. And I think that's just so that's so fucking cool. It's so cool that I'm able to do that. And you know, sobriety has given me that. And you know, it might not be climbing mountains and racing NASCARs and you know, all this like above the top shit, but like it's the day-to-day shit that actually matters. It's the little little ticky-tack things that matter day to day and in sobriety, especially starting out, because it feels so overwhelming at first, because and I think we're all I think we all do this. We uh, you know, we get sober, and then, you know, like that person is saying, you know, we're going on these like climbing huge mountain mountains and all this shit. And it's big, that's big picture stuff. Like that's huge, and that's a lot of pressure to put on sobriety and yourself. And so we all get this idea at the beginning that it's gonna happen immediately, and once it doesn't all happen, and you're not out climbing mountains and racing race cars and doing all this like big, huge shit. You get down on yourself, and then that's when the alcoholism starts to creep back in your mind because you're like, well, I can just go back to doing this. This is safe. I liked this, at least I thought I liked this, but it's easier, like it's easy to just go drink. It's what really separates like that, and then people who are able to get sober and string together sobriety are a number of factors, and I talk about them a lot, but uh one of them is enjoying the little things, noticing the little things that you are now able to do, and you know, thinking back at when you weren't able to do that.

SPEAKER_00 18:53

And I think that's cool. I think it's I think it's so cool.

SPEAKER_01 18:57

I think it's cool that you know, like family and close friends now let me drive. I used to never drive when I was with family or like other people, like they'd be like, no, like we know, we know that you're probably fucking fully loaded wheel drive. And now people are like, no, like Brian can drive. Like let, you know, let the boy drive. And like a lot of a lot of people would be like, no, like that's just such a oh, I have to drive again. Oh, like I hate driving. I don't, I'd rather just, you know, sit in the car. It's such a privilege and an honor for me to be able to do that because I never used to be ass. And it's that little thing.

SPEAKER_00 19:46

It's it's focusing on those little things that's important. And if you're able to do them, like fuck yeah, that's fucking huge. Keep it up.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

Anyway, that's pretty much all I have to say about that. Uh it just it really sat with me when they told me that because you know, I I even had the thought process of like, am I doing this all wrong? And I had to come to the realization that like I'm not, I'm just I'm talking about stuff that are big wins for me every day, you know, in my day-to-day. And but it also, you know, it pointed out some good facts that if I want to reach out to as many people as, you know, I want to, which is everyone, I want anyone who is going through this to hear this and know that, you know, they're not alone and there's a huge community behind you. And I want people to reach out to me and ask questions, and I want to be there for people because it's so important. It's important for you, it's it's super important for me. You know, helping people get sober, helping people stay sober helps me stay sober. And I can't even describe how fucking huge that is. So I'll probably start posting more more content of me, you know, like outside of outside of my house, outside of me just watching TV with my dogs. Um so it's important. It's important that they told me that. And it's important that they reached out and felt like they could tell me that. Like I think that's huge. I, you know, I have an open door policy with a lot of stuff. Sobriety has taught me so much about me and about everyone else. It has humbled me out completely. It has, you know, I've grown my patience, I've grown my empathy, I've grown so much through alcoholism and sobriety. And all of it together, that I think it's awesome that people, you know, see me and then they see the open door and they don't feel like they can't express how they feel about stuff. Like, you know, critique the fuck out of me. That's literally what life is all about. Life is about, well, life's about a lot of stuff. But one of them is being able to, you know, take constructive criticism and sit with it and then turn it into whatever your idea of bettering yourself is. And that's, you know, that's what this whole thing is about. This whole journey is not just me talking at myself. It's me listening to everyone else who is getting sober and trying to get sober and already sober, and just people who don't even have problems at all. It's me listening and running it through the ringer, you know, a million times in my head, and then figuring out the best way that I can regurgitate how to go about life. And it's it's important. So shout out to that person who did, you know, throw that out there because you know, you're not wrong at all. You're not wrong. And keep critiquing me and keep keep it up because I'm gonna keep it up. Um, yeah, everyone, keep your skates on the ice and you know, stay up out there.