What Do You Do When You Think About Relapsing?

I talk about how relapse has been bouncing around lately, and how I am keeping myself busy. I also talk about two recent bar encounters I have had.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome back to Rock Bottom is the new normal. My name is Brian. Um sorry, I haven't I didn't post last week. Uh I've been busy. You know, I've just been uh like just you know between you, me, and the desk, uh relapse has been on my mind, like not like super heavy, but like it's it's there. I've been thinking about it like quite often. So when you know when that stuff creeps into your head and you start to get like urges and stuff, you have to just be like aware, and then you have to just keep yourself for me. I just keep myself busy. I keep myself, you know, doing stuff that keeps my mind off of or like keeps my hands busy, you know. Uh so I've been working more, I've been doing more stuff when I'm not at work and doing more stuff with my dogs. Like I'm just trying to stay ahead of it. Um, I started to notice it. Uh, my I go to therapy, my therapist has me do a thing similar to like Happy Gilmore has his happy place where you know he goes and like it's all the woman has like the beers, and she's like, you know, what was her name? Uh is it Vicky Valencourt? Because I know the Adam Sandler had like the VVs, like Veronica Vaughn. I think it was Vicky Valencourt. Um she was walking around with like the two pitchers of beer, and there was like the the small person on a tricycle, you know, the the grandma is hitting the slots. Um so that's nothing like my happy place. Uh my happy place is I just go to like I go to a beach and above the water in like like bubble like balloon letters is relax, and then that kind of like relaxes me. Uh so I go there and I'm like instantly, you know, Zen. I'm instantly chilling. Um, but lately I've noticed that it doesn't say relax, it says like relapse, um, which concerning, concerning for sure. Uh it's not ideal in any situation. Um, so I'm just trying to stay on top of it, which you know, it's going. It'll it'll pass, and then I'll be, you know, just back to jazz. Um yeah, and I guess another thing I kind of wanted to talk about is uh the other night when I was bartending, it was you know, like right before we closed, and this guy and again, like this makes me this makes me very happy that I'm not happy, this makes me feel a lot better that I'm in this situation, that I've been through everything that I've been through, that I'm able to identify certain things that like certain people aren't able to identify, and I'm able to empathize with it. This guy came in from like outside, obviously. Um, and he had a suitcase, like a wheel behind, like big black zip-up suitcase. And he was wearing like an oversized shirt. He had big aviators on, even though you know it's 9.55 at night. He had this huge fitted backwards hat on that was too big for his head, and he just roamed around the restaurant. There was like no no other guests there. Um there's just you know staff at this point. And he just like roamed around, he's like looking at all this stuff, and he's not saying a word to anybody, he's not engaging conversation, but nobody else is engaging conversation either. Um so then he wanders like towards the bar, and I'm like, okay, like I'm gonna talk to this guy. This guy seems like he's lost in life and he needs to talk to somebody. So I ask him, I'm like, you know, what can I do for you? And you know, without he like moved linen around on the bar, he like kind of like half sat on the bar stool and he didn't make eye contact with me, like he didn't look my way at all. And he said he wanted a Texas burger. And you know, I don't live in Texas, we're not in Texas, so I'm like, you know, I don't, I don't know, we don't have a Texas burger. Um and then I like showed him the burger on the menu, but he wouldn't look at it, and I was like, yeah, like I gotta, I gotta meet this guy like further than halfway. So I was like, what what is a Texas burger? Like describe describing your own thought, like what a Texas burger is. Like maybe we can recreate whatever this is for you. And you know, he told me like bacon, double meat patty, Texas sauce. Like, I don't know what Texas sauce is. He didn't know what Texas sauce was. We don't have bacon, um, so like we can't can't do the burger. So next, next thing. So I show him, I'm like, we can't obviously do the burger. You can see if you want this burger. He's like, I don't want that one. I'm like, okay, like, is there anything else on the menu? And you know, at this point, I kind of know that he's not gonna get anything. And I like, I don't know. Like, I know that this isn't, I'm just trying to make this situation not turn into something like I don't want to agitate this guy, like at all. Um, not because I think that he I guess let me just sum this up. I'm pretty sure that this guy was going through some sort of like drug or alcohol related, like psychosis or like some sort of like he wasn't all there. Like his brain, his brain was fuzzy. He was he was having a situation that was different than the situation that he was actually in. And I recognized that and I knew that I didn't want to agitate him, not because I was scared of like what he would do to me. I was scared of what he would do that would, you know, potentially get him into trouble. And at this point, like he's not in trouble. He's he's just a guy in his actually a pretty safe environment. And so I'm like, you know, I'm chatting with him, I'm trying to figure out what it is I could do for him at this second. And he points at like another thing that he wanted, and it was a it was something, it was like lamb meatballs, essentially, but it's already like rolled with chorizo. And it's like, but I want it, like I don't want the chorizo, like I'm not gay, I don't I don't need chorizo. And that made me laugh because I'm like, that's crazy. But uh like, okay, like it's already it's already in there. Um, and then he asked for like chips and he asked for chips and peanuts, and I was like, I don't want chips and peanuts. And then he pointed we sell fish and chips, and he was like, You have chips right here, and I was like, Yeah, like that can be real confusing. I get that. I get I totally understand that how confusing that is. It's actually French fries, but they're like bigger cut french fries, so like basically like a quarter of potato. Uh and he's like, Yeah, like I want that then, and I was like, Okay, you want the fish and chips? And he's like, Yeah, and throw like a whole steak on it. And I was like, Okay, like if we wanted to go that route, you'd have to pay for a whole steak. And he was like, No, no, I'm not doing that. Like, don't you have just like chopped up pieces of steak you can toss on there? And I was like, No, not really, not at 9.55 at night, you know. So he eventually got to the point where he just didn't want anything in this establishment. And he went to the next establishment, and luckily, like he kind of felt the vibe, I think, or maybe he was like coming out of it because then he like quickly retreated back to wherever he like came from. And I don't know, it it sits with me in a lot of different ways. It sits with me in the fact that like I've been there, you know, I've been in full-born psychosis where I think something completely different is happening, and like the people in reality are like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? And you know, it could go, it could turn dark really fast. Like I was fortunate enough that like nothing bad happened while I was in psychosis. Like, I didn't hurt myself, I didn't hurt anybody else, but like that's not the same case for a lot of people. A lot of people hurt themselves, they hurt others, they get themselves in situations they, you know, they get arrested, they go to jail for it. And that's terrifying. That's terrifying to think about that you could be in a situation in your head that you fully believe is happening, and then you come out of the haze out of the situation out of the woods, and you're, you know, in jail and you don't know how you got there. And I think that that's terrifying. And like I'm glad that I'm not in that situation anymore. And like, I just I feel so bad for people that are in that situation now, like this kid. And another part of me feels bad that I didn't that I didn't do more after, you know, like I didn't follow up with this kid, like I didn't check to like I didn't actually like ask to see if this kid was okay. Like I was so much in work mode. Like I think that I have, you know, the two different personalities, and which like I kind of have to being a bartender, like I kind of have to have these two very different personalities. Like I have, you know, this one that you guys see, or you guys hear that you know, I'm empathetic, like I'm sober, I'm all about helping people get sober, right? Like, you know, like alcohol has to be this thing that like people should fear, and that we should fear, and that I absolutely fear, but then you know, I clock in and I have to be the guy that sells this thing that I fear and that people should fear. Like I have to talk it up, I have to believe in it. And this was one of the first times that like you know, it really like fucked me up afterwards, where I was like, I was like, why wasn't that like an instinct to like help this kid out? Like, why wasn't because right now, like if I ran into this kid now, you know, in my civvies, like I'd be like, yo, homie, like where you stay at, you know, like what do you got going on after this? Like, what's like you you feeling good? Have you eaten today? Like if you had any water today, like you know, I'd try to like help him out as much as I possibly could, which you know, I'm not gonna like rent him a room or something, but you know, I can I can help him out somehow. But I was like, why why wasn't that my first thought? Like, why wasn't that my first instinct? And then it like I don't know, it all kind of came to me because I guess I've just been living obliviously to this whole thing. It's like you know, like there's two people that the world sees now, like they see like me now, and then they see me at work, and those are two vastly, vastly different dudes, and like I don't know, I don't know like how long I want to keep that up. Like, I have to definitely think about this a lot more, and I have to talk to some other people about it. Like, if you're listening and you have an input on this, like I'm one million percent, you know, I'm all ears. I'm all ears about fucking everything. Fucking talk to me about anything, but like the situation for sure, because like you know, I don't know how I feel about it. I I know I make money doing it, like I know that it wasn't a huge deal until I noticed that it was a something, and now it's you know, and this might also be contributing to this whole like relapse thing that's in my head, like you know, like my whole the seams of my life seem to be like coming apart a little bit about this. Um and I'm sure that's gonna pass, right? Like, that's how this all goes. That's that's how sobriety goes in itself is you get urges, they come, they go, you move on with your life, they come back, they go, you move on with your life. Like once you figure out that it's just like this pattern, then you're able to stay on top of it and you're able to just like know that if you push through long enough that it'll be better. Um yeah, so like I'm sure it's all gonna be fine. But I'm just yeah, if anybody has any input on it. Uh another thing I kind of wanted to throw out, I think I'm like getting to the point where people can start like reaching out and letting me know about stuff, and then I can bring up the topics like later on and like you know, like share your guys' thoughts on this stuff, but like non-alcoholic beers and like non-alcoholic cocktails, not mocktails, right? Because like mocktails are just juice, juice and sugar, pretty much for the most part. Um, but like non-alcoholic cocktails are like they make a like they make a distillate, like uh, like say it's like a say it's a bourbon, right? Like they make a non-alcoholic bourbon, but in order to do that, they make the bourbon and then they burn the alcohol off. So like it is technically it's technically bourbon. It's just the alcohol is burned off. Same thing with a lot of like non-alcoholic beers and non-alcoholic wines, like they do the whole process and then they pull the alcohol out. So I guess I kind of wanted to get your guys' input on like what do you guys how do you guys feel about those things? Like, do you think it's okay to drink if you're sober? Do you think it's like cheating? For me, when I first got sober, you know, people recommend it all the time. They're like, why don't you just drink like an NA beer or something? And I was like, no, like, no, no, no. Like, because I think in my head I was scared of that. Like, I was scared of it's the same reason that I don't drink Gatorade anymore. Like, I drank Gatorade once since I've gotten sober, and it rushed me back to drinking, you know, a fucking half of a fifth out of a Gatorade bottle every three hours. So like I like, I was like back in it almost. It was like Vietnam flashbacks. Um, I guess I'm I was like scared of feeling like that. Or I like thought it was a gateway back into sobriety, and I was like, or back into drinking, and I was like, no, like, you know, if I do that, then it's just like it's a slippery slope. Then next thing you know, I'm drinking a regular beer because what's the biggest difference? And then I'm half gallon a day again. Um and I like stuck with this whole thing where like I was so against non-alcoholic beers and non-alcoholic cocktails, and I like built I built a whole beverage program for a restaurant, and I left out the non-alcoholic stuff on it. Like I just wouldn't touch it. Like, I was like, no, I I don't think that we should have one, I think that's stupid. And then I finally, you know, had to because people are asking, which is great, by the way. Like, there are so many more people in this world right now that go to restaurants and ask for a non-alcoholic cocktail or a non-alcoholic beer than there ever has been, probably before in my time of bartending. Like it's super refreshing to see. It's super refreshing to see that people aren't ashamed to be sober right now. And I think that's cool as fuck. And I think that we all need to just take a second and realize how fucking cool that is. But I finally got bullied in, not bullied, but I finally got talked into you know making this non-alcoholic cocktail list. And it was it was probably the hardest cocktail list I had to come up with. It took me like a month, over a month, to do. And I was, I think it was think, I think it was so hard. One, because they taste so they don't taste like like it doesn't taste like alcohol. Like it kind of tastes like it, but then you don't get the burn. And when you're drinking a cocktail to get it, you know, away from like a mocktailed juicy juice, like you want it to be its own thing. And it was really hard to like build around, and it was hard to like get that burn in there almost. Um, and then it was you know really hard to do the whole thing because I could taste, I could taste the cocktails. Like I I myself could taste my works, and I'm my biggest fucking critic. You know, most people are gonna taste something that's like sort of good, and they're gonna be like, yeah, like that's good to me. And you know, I'm tasting something that's sort of good. I'm like, that's fucking dog shit. Why like you could do better than this, you piece of shit, you piece of fucking garbage. And so I was my biggest critic, and I think that it took me a really long time to like perfect that. But you know, I built it, I got the whole NA thing rolling, people loved it. And it was around that point when I started seeing, you know, a non-alcoholic option as a good thing. And, you know, now I now I like I indulge every once in a while. Like I'll have a non-alcoholic beer. I go, you know, I'm at that point in my sobriety and stuff now where I'll go to like dive bars like late at night and I'll play pool. Or like I went to the casino like last week, and you know, I get like a non-alcoholic beer. And like the one time I had like six non-alcoholic beers within like two hours. It was crazy. It's I don't know, it's better than like ordering just like a bunch of like soda or just drinking a bunch of you know, like bar water that not distilled tap water at a bar, you know. Um, but I think everyone has an opinion on non-alcoholics, and I think that every opinion is valid. I think that I think it's like a controversial topic in sobriety. And like I'd like to get everybody's opinion on it. And I think that I think it's nice. I think it's nice for people to just like talk about stuff like this. Um yeah, so I've just been busy trying to stay sober, uh, you know, having empathy for people, trying to figure out who I am as a person. Like who am I actually? Am I one of these two guys? Kind of thing. Uh, which I think I'm just being dramatic, probably. Um, I'm gonna leave you. I'm gonna bless you with a story. I'm gonna bless you with a little bartending story. So I was bartending one night, and these four four guys walk in, right? We are doing happy hour all day. Happy hour all day, right? Like, what? Who comes up with this stuff? Who comes up with this wacky stuff? So we're doing happy hour all day. Uh they come in, we clause it 10, they come in at probably let's say 8.30. These four guys roll in, right? And they're ordering happy hour drinks. They ordered some food, only happy hour food, and they kept ordering drinks, and they they kept ordering drinks that were supposed to go in coupes and martini glasses, like that's their designated vehicle. Um, and these guys said, no, we put it in a rocks class with a big rock, because you know, we're not fucking pussies. We're not fucking, you know, we're not one of them. Like, we're not women. And it's like, come on, you guys are that fucking you guys are that afraid of like you guys are that afraid. Fucking just your self-esteem is that small. Like it's it's crazy. So that's annoying in itself. And the fact that they keep they order like one at a time, too. Like you go up, you get a drink order, you're like anyone else? And they're like, no. You go back, you make the drink, you go back, and they're like, actually, one of these. Okay, anyone else? No, no, no, no. Go back. Yeah, like that shit is annoying as fuck. Don't do that shit. And they, I kept like, you know, eavesdrop, or like, because as a bartender, you're listening to everyone's conversation at the bar. News flash, that's what's happening. If you're having a serious conversation at the bar, a personal conversation at the bar, you're being eavesdropped on by the staff. You're they're in the room with you. They can hear you. You're talking about crazy shit. They can hear you. Um, so these guys were talking. One of the guys was talking about, and he was like, he's like five foot six, right? He was like swimming in his fucking Ralph Lorraine polo and pants and his little docksiders. He's swimming in them, little guy, fucking tiny guy. And he was like probably 45. And he's talking about how he won't go to Miami this time of year, and because all of the gay people hit on him because he's such a good-looking guy and they can't keep their hands off of him. And it's like, shut the fuck up, dude. Come the fuck up. And then he talked about, you know, like his private jet. And he talked about his wife. And then he talked about how his wife is starting to like have a sense for the fact that he has a mistress that he keeps flying to go see, who like lives in Vegas, and he keeps taking the private jet to go to Vegas. And he's like, Yeah, so I can give her, you know, give her this big dick. And it's like, dude, come on, you're five foot six in your loafers. Come on. And this whole time, these four guys are just talking about how much money they have. The entire time they're like, This is like, oh, we do this, we do this, like we run with the bulls, we do this, we do this, we love Mar Lago. Oh okay. At the end, it's bill time, right? And their bill's like I think it's like 285. 285 of happy hours, a lot of stuff. Um, and they're talking about like who's gonna pay, what are they gonna do? They're like, we can just split it four ways. Okay, high rollers, and then one guy suggests like credit card roulette. And mind you, at this point, four guys. The one guy has been an insufferable fucking asshole. How he's talking about other people, how he's talking to his friends, how he's talking to me. It's a bad guy. It's a very short, very small, very bad guy. The other three were just normal douchebags, run of the mill, fucking dime a dozen. So one of them was like, let's do credit card roulette. And then the guy, this very small guy, was like, oh, I lose this all the time. And that's also that's his voice, too. Like he's like, uh, uh, I do credit card roulette all the time. They always pick me because my card's the heaviest. Shut the fuck up, dude. So I'm like, yeah, you guys should do credit card roulette. That's what ballers do. Like, that's what people with a lot of money do. And they were like, Yeah, yeah, they do, don't they? And I watched them all put their cards in. I specifically watched this little man put his card in. And I, you know, I noticed that it was it was the heavier one, so it was easy to find.

SPEAKER_01 26:16

And I picked his card, and he was like, Oh, I always get picked. Good thing I have a lot of money.

SPEAKER_00 26:25

Like, actually said that. That's crazy. So it pays the $285, tips $40. By my math, that's not 20%. It's not even close. So I guess moral of this story is if you're gonna be 5'6 and you're gonna look like this guy looked, at least like be cool, at least tip 20%. You know, like I think every guy has that fork in the road, right? Especially if, you know, they're short or they're ugly. For me, you know, it was ugly. I had the fork in the road where it's like, yeah, I can be an asshole about it or I can just be really nice. Not even really nice, just normal, just a normal guy. I picked that, right?

SPEAKER_01 27:17

Like this guy came to a fork in the road, uh, you know, like a salad fork in the road, and he was like, Well, I could be, you know, the biggest asshole in the world, or I can be really nice.

SPEAKER_00 27:29

And he decided to be a little asshole. And he's probably gonna, if you believe in karma, he's probably gonna get some karma about it. His wife's probably gonna find out about his mistress, and he's probably gonna get divorced, and she's probably gonna take all of his money in the divorce. And instead of giving me that extra money, now he has to give it to his wife that he hates, and he was probably super impartial to me as a whole. So I guess that makes me sleep a little better at night. Um, yeah. With that, I think everybody's doing great. I'm proud of myself for still being sober, even though I'm having an internal civil war, which happens. I'm proud of all of you, whether you're thinking about sober, whether you're getting sober, whether you are sober and you're trying to stay sober. So fucking proud of you all. It's so fucking hard to do this day and age. We all made it through Memorial Day. We're all going chugging into summer. So let's fucking just keep killing it. Just let's keep being winners.

SPEAKER_01 28:32

Yeah?

SPEAKER_00 28:33

All right, stay up.