Alyssa Tells Us Her Story

I have a guest from TikTok join me and let us in on her story. She has a very raw approach to documenting sobriety which is honest and refreshing. Check her out at 

https://www.tiktok.com/@offtheclaw?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc

https://www.instagram.com/off.theclaw?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Cool. Uh Welcome to Rock Bottom is the new normal. Uh we have Alyssa here. Alyssa is What is it, off the claw on your social medias?

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Yes, off the claw. That's me.

SPEAKER_02 0:16

Dope ass, dope ass name.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

Thanks. Happy to be here.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

Uh I watched a lot of your videos today. And I have to say that it's just like because you've been sober over a year now, right? It's like May, May 26th last year.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Yeah, uh, that was the when I had my last drink, May 26th, 25, and uh so May 27th was my year uh sober date, and I just hit 13 months, 400 days, just like the other day.

SPEAKER_02 0:48

So that's awesome. Uh great job. I know it's it's not easy, it's not an easy task. Um but what I really liked about all of your stuff is you just like don't sugarcoat any of it. Like you're not like, oh, as soon as you get sober, like sobriety fixes everything, you're so much happier in sobriety. Because like you're not. Like no one is. Like sobriety fucking sucks.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Yeah, yeah. No, that's really been like something that I have uh, you know, like not like intentionally, kind of unintentionally, just shared my raw, real, vulnerable um journey with it, uh, as I've gone, you know, gone on, because you're totally right. Like, I I think we all like to think that sobriety is gonna like fix everything overnight, you're gonna feel better like right away, and it's just life will be just way better. And though that's true, um, man, there's some like trials and tribulations, especially as the time goes on and like life shit starts popping up, and you're really forced to like really deal with it in sobriety.

SPEAKER_02 2:03

So yeah. Yeah, no, absolutely. Like, I think that is everybody's like, yeah, like you know, active addiction is so bad in everything, but uh in active addiction, like you're not in your feels, like you don't actually feel the weight of certain scenarios how you should feel it. And then especially in your first year of sobriety, like you feel that weight like tenfold in just like day-to-day activities. Like you're like, Oh, I'm gonna have cereal, but like, oh my god, I'm out of milk. Like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to anybody in the history of anything.

SPEAKER_00 2:41

Yeah, you know, honestly, I had I kind of had like one of those moments this afternoon where I'm like, just the like little things of life start bugging me, and I'm like, you know, where it's like it's just all feels right on the surface. That's always how I describe it. It's like everything is just on the surface now, like it feels like it's right here, you know, like the good, the bad, the ugly. Um yeah, and kind of speaking to what you said in terms of like uh feeling, you know, not really feeling everything when you're in active addiction, uh, and then it kind of all like coming to the forefront. Like ironically, in active addiction, I was feeling a lot while not thinking a lot. So it was like I s my feelings were hyper intense because like I was under the influence and just all over the place. Um, and so it's been an interesting uh kind of it's been interesting because though I think I handle things so much better in sobriety, like my emotions are much more controlled. Um they're so you know, like the clarity of them is the thing that kind of took me by surprise.

SPEAKER_02 3:49

Yeah, no, absolutely. Um yeah, it's one of those things that I think people don't expect. And I think I think that's almost like a bigger reason why people like derail sobriety, why they relapse is they expect it to just be like super perfect right away, and then it's absolutely not. Like it's it's almost messier.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

A little bit, it can be, yeah. I feel like learning to deal with your emotions and sobriety and like just your thoughts and your feelings and all the shit that pops up, like sitting with it and dealing with it, it surely is not a linear path in terms of like, oh wow, I'm just handling everything so well, and you know, it's like sometimes I am not my best self in sobriety. And I like to say more times than not I am, but like oftentimes it's I'm trying to teach take everything as like a learning lesson, really, in this time. Um, good, bad, ugly. And so uh approaching it like that is helpful, but yeah, surely not always my best self. And that's been a hard kind of pill to swallow in sobriety is um realizing that not everything that needed fixing, though alcohol like exacerbated it. Um a lot of stuff that still needed work, like was just me. Like I just needed to still work on stuff, you know, outside of sobriety, obviously, just had more clarity now to be able to face those things and understand what those things even are.

SPEAKER_02 5:21

Yeah, yeah, like uh when I was an active addiction, I like me being an asshole, like me being just like not the best version of myself to other people, I always had that crutch to be like, I'm just fucking drunk. Like I'm just drunk all the time, you know, like I'm just on drugs, like you can't blame me. But then after I got out, I continued to just be like not a good guy all the way around. And I was like, Well, I thought it was like the drugs and alcohol, but like I guess I have to actually have to like work on myself, which was fucking terrifying.

SPEAKER_00 5:59

Yeah, yeah. There was, you know, I I was definitely not um unaware that there was plenty to work on outside of my alcoholism. I think the biggest one being like my executive function was such like such shit when I was an alcoholic. I mean, I was r really in a bad way in terms of drinking in the morning and drinking just all day long, really kind of off the rails and just lost any semblance of like a normal person's life aside from the fact that I was holding down a job and doing those kind of things. But in that, like my executive function, you know, doing getting tasks done even with work or with daily things, eating or like hygiene, all took such a bad hit when I was in active addiction and my worst of the addiction, obviously. Now that was kind of the first thing that I expected to improve when I um quit drinking, and I was really humbled to uh learn that that though it did improve, was not the magic fix. And it's probably been the biggest thing that I've had to focus on the last year in terms of uh, you know, it's like quitting drinking is just the one, it's like the first step to like the rest of what sobriety is. And that's what I really learned in just realizing like, oh wow, I've got lots of stuff to pick up here in in uh being sober now, it's not just yeah, the magic fix.

SPEAKER_02 7:25

Yeah, yeah. I kind of look at it as like because I mean, similar to you, like I wasted my entire 20s and like almost you know, like into my 30s. I'm 34 now. I got sober when I was 30. Um, and I just wasted all this time just hustling. I was constantly hustling. My only thing that I was trying to do was get alcohol or drugs, so I didn't actually focus on just like day-to-day, just like normal adult stuff. Like all of these people like know what normal adult stuff is because they learn it in their 20s. Meanwhile, we pushed it off until now. And so like now I have like a one-bedroom apartment and like my bills are paid, and I'm like, yeah, like I'm like I'm basically like a king here. And then people are like, no, like you should be like married, buying houses, like and I'm like, I mean, I'm like 10 years behind.

SPEAKER_00 8:20

I I I totally can relate in that way. Um, similarly, you know, 33 and wasted my entire 20s up until like what I was 32 when I quit drinking. I I'm the the journey started when I was 31, is when I kind of started trying to quit and didn't quite get there until 32. Um, but yeah, same thing, you know, 20s was just spent like, you know, who gives a shit? Party on um until the party became not a fun time, you know, and like my whole life crumbled before me. And I was like, oh no, I've I've I've messed up here.

SPEAKER_02 8:55

Yeah. Well, so you took what, like a year to try to get sober before it actually stuck?

SPEAKER_00 9:03

Yeah, um, I knew I had a problem for a really long time. Like, uh, I mean, pretty much when I started drinking, I really took to it and I quickly knew like I like this way too much. And I was not, I didn't have a good relationship with boundaries, with alcohol, like out the gate. But um I didn't come to the place of actually wanting to deal with that until I was probably about 30. And then when I was 31, um it was really bad. Where I was again drinking in the morning, drinking all day, every day. I had been an everyday drinker at that point for like 10 years. Um there were, you know, yeah, my my drinking habits just changed a lot. You know, I'd gone through some really hard life stuff, and my drinking habits just kind of skyrocketed. And I was in a car accident um at the end of like 2023, and that year had just been terrible in general, and so uh at the end of that point, or it might have been the end of 2024, I want to say, end of 2024, I was in a car accident. I was not at fault, however, I had been drinking while driving when I was hit, and um I was really lucky and like you know, nobody was hurt, we were all okay, and I, you know, everything was fine. But that was a real come to Jesus moment for myself of just like, okay, like I'm really, really lucky that nothing bad happened here. Uh, number one, that it wasn't my fault, number two, that I didn't get a DUI, and that I was able to get away with this. Like, that's crazy. Um, in terms of just the fact that I knew I was intoxicated in that car. You know, no one else did, but I did. And so at that point, I um decided to yeah, give it a shot in in like what September of 2024, and I lasted like 28 days, and I re you know, picked it back up, and I tried again in February of 2025, and I lasted maybe a week, and then I gave it another shot in May, which was the time that it finally stuck thus far. So um here we are.

SPEAKER_02 11:16

Yeah, no, it's uh after you make it, you know, like after you push past like six months, then it kind of like all gets a little bit easier. I mean, it's never like easy. Trust me, I'm you know, over four years sober. Like I still fall back, like I still have days when it's like, I mean, I could, like, I don't know if anybody would like blame me. Um but it's definitely easier.

SPEAKER_00 11:41

It's definitely easier. You know, I had a really rough go toward like as I got to the year mark of my sobriety, uh, I'd say month nine to twelve was so rough for me. And I think maybe it was just the leading up to the milestone, like the pressure of like, you know, I'm almost to this big like thing I've built up in my head, and really it's just another day type of a thing, but you know, it's like a big thing that you build up in your head. And beyond that, a lot of life stuff had happened like uh around my six-month mark of sobriety. Um just some stuff like family health stuff came up and and stuff like that that really was like some real life shit where, like you said, no one would have blamed me for picking up a drink. They would have been like totally valid, you know what I mean? Like any anyone would have a hard time dealing with this kind of stuff. And that was such a hard time of sobriety, too. So I I'd like to say that like around the six-month mark it got easier for me, but I'm like, oh, that was really like the start of when it got challenging, like where my sobriety was really put to the test. Like, do I really want this enough to like continue? Or am I gonna just be like, okay, you know, I was able to do this, maybe I can moderate, and you know, and I know I can't. It's like I would say that's like this story of like, yeah, I can moderate. Like, I yeah, I can't, you know, you can't bullshit a bullshitter, and I that includes myself to me, and so I'm like, yeah. Um, and luckily stuck through with it. So I'd say like the last month has been way better for a multitude of reasons, but I will say those that first like 30 days was definitely, you know, a grind. I feel like looking back like every single day, you were still so close to your last drink that now I feel like I'm so far from my last drink, it would be a choice, you know what I mean? I'd be making a choice if I ever wanted to be like, yeah, maybe I could, you know, and I just can't I'd be so mad at myself for that choice.

SPEAKER_02 13:45

So yeah, that's a good way to look at it for sure.

SPEAKER_00 13:49

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:50

The first month was always it was just like the draw, like it just like dragged on, like every single day, just dragged on. And you're like, I remember looking around and I was like, no one has fun all the time. Like, why the fuck are we even doing this? Like back when I was drunk, like even if it wasn't a fun situation, I was like, I was still having fun.

SPEAKER_00 14:12

Yeah, I know. Straight up, I was always having I was always having fun at going to the grocery store, the post office, wherever I was. I had been pregaming it, and I was having a great time. Um, it's you know, it was the boredom truly of that. It was like because I was so used to creating this stimulation in my head with alcohol that the boredom is like it's like a smack in the face. I think that's probably initially what j gets most people beyond like life starting to life, you know, that that gets really tricky is the boredom at like factor totally can mess you up real early on if you're not like strong in your conviction of wanting to quit. I mean, I remember that first week, first two weeks. I got so much done. I cleaned every inch of my apartment, I got my car serviced, I had anything that was out of stock in my house, like soap or random shit. I went and restocked it. You know, I mean, I was out and about running errands, like keeping busy to just stay not bored because I knew boredom would be my biggest hurdle initially. And yeah, I was real busy for a hot minute. Honestly, I still stay busy for the same aspect. If I'm too bored, like it's a dangerous, it's a dangerous place for me.

SPEAKER_02 15:29

I was thinking about this the other day because I like I mean, like I meet a lot of people, I bartend, and a lot of people are always like, What like what do you like to do outside of work? Like, what do you do for fun? And I'm like, I don't do anything. Like, I just like I really enjoy just like sitting on my couch with my dogs and like watching TV. Yeah, and they're like, that's that sounds really boring. And in my head, I'm like, Yeah, that does sound really boring. I was like, Am I like in Stockholm syndrome where like boredom has like taken control of me?

SPEAKER_00 16:02

No, but it's peaceful, you know, because like I I can relate to that as well. Like, though I like to stay busy in my day-to-day, just like, you know, doing my uh like routine stuff of like making sure that I have routine and like you know the executive function thing, trying to make sure I'm taking care of myself. Um, there like the rest of it is honestly spent same thing, just hanging out with my dog, like doing that kind of stuff. And it is so peaceful. And I was having that conversation recently, like things right now don't feel that like sticky, let's say, you know, like like it's just kind of like one day blends into the other sometimes, and it's just chill, like nothing is really it's just life in, you know, and and that like not a bad thing. But I was thinking back, like, why does nothing feel sticky? And I realized that sticky feeling I'm used to is just like chaos. Like I'm just like the the stickiness I'm thinking is just me doing chaotic shit or like you know, blowing my life up the minute that it feels comfortable or you know, stable or something, or causing problems that don't need to be problems just because I'm feeling some kind of way, you know, more or less like what I would do in my alcohol, like alcoholism. So um, yeah, the boredom is nice, whether it be like a Stockholm syndrome of our own making or not, I'm like, it's it's kind of nice though. I'm like never been never been more uh at ease.

SPEAKER_02 17:29

Yeah, when people like they're like, oh, like that's the sounds like a pretty boring life. And I'm like, you know what? Like, I've kind of earned it. Like I've like earned a boring life. Like when you were doing, you know, like it's like, hey, Mark, when you were like going to bed at 9 30 at night, so you could be up at 6 in the morning, like, you know, I was blowing lines of what I thought was cocaine, but it was actually like meth.

SPEAKER_00 17:54

Yeah, like that's a rough realization you're up for the next 38 hour, you know, 36 hours or whatever.

SPEAKER_02 18:02

Yeah, so like we've like earned a life of boredom, like because it's peace, it's safety, it's consistency. Yeah I think other people take for granted.

SPEAKER_00 18:13

Oh totally, I think 100%. Something I had no idea I never lived this kind of life even before my uh addiction, you know, a life of just like kind of just chill, peace, you know, just again consistency and stability, and things I've been able to build for myself now, which feel even better. So, like I said, we've earned it. We've earned it.

SPEAKER_02 18:38

So you would drink like morning through day through night. How did how are you able to like keep a stable job?

SPEAKER_00 18:49

Yeah, um, you know, your guess is as good as mine. Um, so I so first I should say my my drink of choice was Whiteclaw, hence the name off the claw. Um, I was like, I was an alcoholic before Whiteclaw came onto the scene, but boy, did Whiteclaw make it easy for me to just ramp things up. You know, it was the taste was, you know, to my liking, and it wasn't as filling as beer, which had been previously like my drink of choice. So with White Claws, I just had there was no boundaries. It was like they're so easy to drink, you know, it's like a morning beverage, it's an all-day beverage for me. And so I um yeah, I would drink, you know, morning till early evening and kind of just let it taper off right before going to bed. Um, so in terms of maintaining a steady job, I I worked in sales for the last seven years, and um, you know, I was able to do what was asked of me and show up, you know, like stable enough where people hadn't noticed or didn't say anything. And in getting sober, I've since talked to previous coworkers of mine and asked, like, could you tell that I was drunk? Like, because I was. And people have genuinely told me no, which is shocking to me because I look back at pictures and I'm thinking, how the hell did you not like see it all over my face? I was surely not looking totally great, but I could show up and be, you know, I'm like good at my job. I'm kind of like it was just second nature type of thing to go in and sell and present and keep it together. I wasn't going in totally like shit faced, you know. I was going in tipsy and you know, making my pitches or doing it on the phone or whatever. But I was, you know, in my team meetings while drinking, I was in, you know, doing all these things just always in informed by alcohol. Um so I was really lucky that I didn't, I hate to say it, like get caught. Um, I'm still with that same job. And so, you know, at least the one that I had when I quit drinking, which up in that point, like there was a year of that job that I worked entirely drunk. So um I did a good enough job not to get fired, but I definitely could have been doing better.

SPEAKER_02 21:15

Yeah, I uh I mean I was bartending, and so like I don't know, it's almost like people like expect their bartender to be like a little inebriated, or if like someone sees their bartender like taking a shot or something behind the bar, like no one ever thinks twice, which is crazy. That'd be like going to a bank and seeing the teller like you know, rip a fucking shot and be like, that's just day-to-day teller stuff, you know.

SPEAKER_00 21:43

Like, that's just Dave.

SPEAKER_02 21:44

You're like, it's uh classic Martha back there.

SPEAKER_00 21:48

Classic. I mean, it's true. I I always would never think twice if my bartender was drinking. I'd be like, of course, like why wouldn't you?

SPEAKER_02 21:55

Yeah, and then I ended up getting out of the industry for a second. It was around COVID, and I was like a half gallon a day drinking. I'm like full chemical dependency. I'm fucking shaky all the time. My neck's fat. I'm a fucking mess. I had a fiance at the time. I have no idea why the fuck she was with me. Just a total mess.

SPEAKER_01 22:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:17

And I got a job, like what was I selling? I was selling something over the phone. I don't even remember what the fuck I was selling. And I like go in to this office space and there's a bunch of fucking cubicles. And it's just me and like the guy who hired me sitting next to each other at these cubicles, even though there's like 40 of them. I remember thinking, like, why the fuck is this guy sitting so close to me?

SPEAKER_00 22:39

Yeah, like I had a TV show right now. What's happening?

SPEAKER_02 22:43

I had like a lunch box and it only had Gatorade bottles in it that were filled with vodka just to get through the day. And he was like, Oh, it's lunchtime. And I was like, Oh yeah. In my head, I'm like, I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna tell this guy I don't have food.

SPEAKER_01 22:58

Yeah, I guess.

SPEAKER_02 22:58

So I was like, oh yeah, you know, I I don't really eat during the day to keep up my you know my figure. And then I like made this guy feel bad that he's like eating during the day. Meanwhile, I'm just like a fucking trashed out alcoholic.

SPEAKER_00 23:12

Well yeah, no, I I I can relate to that very well. I remember often not eating when people would go like eat, you know, they'd be like, You're not hungry, and I didn't have the heart to tell them. Well, I've had like six white claws and I'm I'm full things.

SPEAKER_02 23:24

Yeah, I'm actually like if I eat, I might throw up.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

Yeah, yeah, it's uh I definitely feel that. Again, I was at the point where I was drinking while driving often. Um, not and there's you know, there's no good way to put that. Like I'm really shaming. I'm like, it's just that's where we were, and so I again before going into meetings, you know, like rolling up with a tall can in my in my cup holder, and you know, just kind of putting it to the side and going in, doing my pitch, making a sale, getting back, go buy another white claw, rinse and repeat kind of a thing. And you know, I was also taking a lot of anxiety meds around this, like towards the latter part of my addiction.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:14

And so then I wasn't remembering anything that I was doing in those meetings. It just became messy real fast. And it was blacking out like all day, every day. Not like in a bad way, but just to where I had my memory was shot. Um, it was it was not a great time at all. It was uh again, I'm I'm I'm grateful that at least A, my company was patient with me, or B, they didn't notice. But um or yeah, hey, that I'm just that good at my job. I don't know, but I uh not always the case, you know. I had job hopped a lot, and uh towards when my addiction started really ramping up, like I struggled to keep work. I definitely popped around quite a bit, and so um part of my like uh part of me wanting to get sober was honestly not like because life had started getting better by this point of May 2025, and I didn't want to screw it up, you know. I'm like, I have this job, they like me, you know. Like I'm like they haven't noticed that I'm fucking around. I don't want them to notice and you know, like screw up my life again, and I had had my own place by that point, and things had kind of gotten better because my whole life had fallen apart, like a couple years prior to that, where I had lost everything. And as I rebuilt my life, I was like, the last thing that needs to go is the drinking because otherwise I'll lose it all again. And so I was at that point of like, okay, it's time to get it together, otherwise this will all go away, and I'll be really mad at myself.

SPEAKER_02 25:46

That's like super fucking self-aware though.

unknown 25:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:50

Like that's that's huge. Like a lot of people don't. I I I still don't have that, even in like full sobriety. Like, I don't really I struggle with self-awareness, but like especially back then, I like I thought it was everything else and then alcohol. Like, I was doing whatever alcohol would tell me to do. And it like it took me actually like ending up in the ICU, like heart stopped all of it, for me to be like, yeah, I think I should probably quit.

SPEAKER_00 26:20

You're like, it should probably, it's probably time to time to give her a rest. Well, glad you're alright. Um, that's scary.

SPEAKER_01 26:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:27

I I was really lucky to not have any moments like that, like again, where I got a DUI or where like I got like was in some serious medical situation. Um, you know, like I was at a point where my liver was starting to kind of hurt a little bit, you know. I was extremely inflamed. I hated the way I looked. Like, there was a lot of things about my physical situation that was not great, and I didn't feel good. And like I mentioned, I was taking all these anxiety meds um that just I was really worried that I was gonna like atrophy my brain. I'm like, I can't remember anything. I was struggling to get piece sentences together at that point. I was on a really high dose of the anxiety meds, and I was drinking like, you know, a lot of white claws every day. And so I was just not my brain just felt like mush. And I was like, I can't continue to do this um at all because I don't want this to become my life. Like I was very aware it was like kind of now or never. It was like, this is gonna be your life, and I've got a lot of addiction in my family, and I've seen where this goes, and it doesn't go anywhere good. And I really didn't want that to be how my story ended because I know I have a lot of potential. Like I'm someone who's always known I've got a lot of potential, but life got to me, you know. Life was hard in my 20s, and it was really, really hard. There were so many different things that I think most people don't go through, and mine were almost compounded. And as I got uh as we hit, you know, like 2022, um, life got really brutal, really super, super brutal. So, like I had said, like I hit a rock bottom almost like, you know, three years before I decided to quit drinking. In fact, the only way I got through my rock bottom was because I was drinking. I don't think I would have even ate it had I not leaned on alcohol in that point. You know, I had lost a fight a long-term relationship, I had lost my apartment, I'd lost my job, my dog died. Um, I broke my foot, I'd gotten in a car accident, which totaled my car. Um, like everything imploded just at once. Uh, when I lost my apartment, I was not able to find housing immediately. I had to sell off all my furniture and move back in with my mom, who lives in a remote mountain town. So I was out in like the middle of nowhere when I'm used to, you know, living in Los Angeles. That's where I'm born and raised. And so just a lot of changes, like in a very short period that were extremely stressful and really kind of took me to a brink of what I thought was no return. Like, there's no way I can come back from this. People around me were deeply concerned. Um, a lot of people didn't think that there would be much coming back for me. Like, I was kind of off the rails in a big way, and um, yeah, so I was able to get it together um, you know, within a year or so to again kind of start rebuilding the pieces of my life, like I had mentioned, you know, get the apartment, a job, a thing, like maintain stability and build on that. Um, but I was just still such an alcoholic. And I was like, man, this doesn't feel as good as it could because I know that I'm still kind of like a piece of shit and I drink all day. And you know, again, I'm my bosses don't know, and like people in my life don't really know how bad it is, and I don't want to have to like you know, pre-game my niece's soccer game, you know what I mean? She's like six, you know what I mean? Like, that's crazy, you know. It's like those kind of things where I'm like, I need to put this down because if I need to drink before everything in my life, like I already knew there was a problem, but I'm like, man, there's a big problem.

SPEAKER_02 30:03

So Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:06

No, that makes sense. And it's I've learned just in sobriety that I mean, like, everything feels like because everything like explodes all at once. It seems like whenever a little thing explodes, like a bunch of other things kind of explode. Like that's just I think us being tested.

SPEAKER_01 30:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:28

Um, but like I remember like active addiction, like, you know, that explode thing would happen, and then I would just shut down. Like, I'd be like, you know, life's over, like, how am I gonna come back from this? I mean, like what you went through where it was like, I mean, that's a lot of really bad shit to happen all at once.

unknown 30:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:45

Um but I learned that in sobriety, when that happens, like as recovering addicts, we're so much more equipped to be able to look at the like this whole fucking explosion and then be able to pivot and figure it out. Like, just a few months back, I got my car repoed, which was like fine. I was paying like twelve hundred dollars a month for a fucking car, which is crazy.

SPEAKER_00 31:11

Yeah, that's brilliant.

SPEAKER_02 31:13

My aunt got diagnosed with like severe ALS.

SPEAKER_00 31:17

So sorry to hear that.

SPEAKER_02 31:18

Yeah, it sucks. But like all and then like a few other things happened, and I like pivoted on all of them, and then I was able to like come out stronger and like more leaned on by my family than I'd ever have been. And like I can only thank active addiction for that. Like, I can only thank my like past inactive addiction to be able to because I just went through so much shit because alcohol and drugs make you do terrible shit that puts you in terrible situations you have to fucking get yourself out of.

SPEAKER_00 31:51

Yeah. Yeah. No, that's a great way to put it like that. That's kind of like what prepares you to go through those hard times in um sobriety, and I can definitely I I I echo that um that statement very much so, because uh at the beginning of the year, you know, I had mentioned like there was some family health stuff that had gone on, and my mom was diagnosed with um with early onset Alzheimer's at the beginning of the year. And since then we've had a kind of a different diagnosis and things have evolved. But like at that point, that was a really heavy diagnosis.

SPEAKER_02 32:26

It's fucking heavy, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:27

Yeah, she's young, you know, it's not like she's an older woman, like she's like not even 60. So um it was it was a lot, and that uh, you know, that was very much a moment of me sitting in the the lot of the liquor store near my house where I still buy water and you know, like sparkling water and stuff like that. But like I was sitting there being like, I could go in and just like fuck it, you know, like I've put in a good run and it's like life this is like life is hard right now, and I don't know if I can do this. And the emotions were so incredibly intense to go through something like that and not have alcohol to lean on, which I would have obviously I've leaned on anything hard in my life, like that has been, you know, alcohol's been there. And so to pivot, like you know, and to not drink was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I spent every I spent like three times a day for weeks in my bathtub just sobbing, you know. Just I was like, that's all I could do is like retreat to the hot water anytime I felt like I was like, oh, I'm gonna give up, you know, like just get in the bath, like just get, you know, I don't know why. And it did, it got me through, and I didn't drink. And, you know, I think anyone would have again been like, hey, dude, we understand all good. But uh I just knew for me, like, like you said, to show up for my family at that point would not do them any good to be like, oh shit, Alyssa's off the wagon, you know, and we gotta deal with this now, like that wouldn't have been good for anybody. So um it's it's and it's proven to me again, uh, just the resilience that I already knew I had, like you said, when you're in active addiction and shit is just off the rails. And if you've blown up your life a couple times, or you know, if you've ever blown up your life and you've been an addict, like the you really it's very humbling, you know. You really have to kind of like sit with a lot of feelings about like who you are, what you did, and how you've affected other people, whether you've sat with those feelings or not, because obviously it's like we're if we're an addiction, we may not sit with those feelings till later. But um, but that definitely, you know, after going through all the things I had gone through when I lost kind of everything, I and and thinking I couldn't survive it and surviving it and getting through some of the hardest days of my life, the darkest days of my life did set me up to be able to sit and deal with the next darkest days, which would have been around, you know, that diagnosis. And you know, it's like finding the coping tools that whatever works, I think, at that at those points and pivoting, those things are so important, and sometimes they make no sense. Well, sometimes, you know, again, if it's three times in the bathtub for one day just to like, you know, stay in the hot water, whatever it takes. Sometimes, you know, I mean, sh shoot. Sometimes I've bought a six-pack of non-alcoholic beer and just drank it for the for the taste to feel like to feel something, you know, and it's that kind of a thing, like leaning on tools that I are not a part of my day-to-day sobriety, but that shoot have been helpful in the worst of moments, you know. It's like whatever whatever keeps me sober.

SPEAKER_02 35:39

How did it feel showing up for your family in that time, like as a sober person as opposed to showing up back when you were, you know, in addiction?

SPEAKER_00 35:51

Well, I mean, I I it well, first of all, I definitely when I was an active addiction, would not have been able to show up uh probably well for my family at all. Um, I was very much a crisis person. I was always kind of in crisis. My emotions were big and and heavy and a lot for people to take. And so it I quickly became the crisis often. Um, I think that probably would have happened, you know, and just how I'm handling like mom's diagnosis type of thing. And in this instance, it was not about me at all, you know, and in fact, being able to hold space for all feelings that my mom had at that point, you know, like because she's the one going through this, and being able to hold again hold space and be able to talk her through some really hard conversations um about what we thought we were gonna be facing at that point. Um, and then my sister, who's younger than me, but we're still close in age, um you know, being able to again just I felt really like I was able to be strong in those moments, like where I didn't become overemotional, which is not usual for me. I am a very emotional person. So that I think was probably the first time I saw myself as like the strong one ever, you know, like in in life, but in like sobriety for sure, I was able to show up as like the strong one for everyone else, which felt fucking huge. Yeah, yeah, no, it was super huge, and I and you know, and it was I mean, I think it was daunting at the point to think like, oh god, I don't know if I got it in me to be the strong one, like forever here because it this is like a heavy diagnosis, and and I I could see myself very much all of a sudden being the strong one, which is like crazy because again, I never could have pictured myself being that person, and I was happy to take on that role and always will be from this, you know, as I go forward. But um, I'm really grateful that some of the news we've gotten since has been a little kinder and is not quite what we thought initially, so like you know, things are a little bit better there, but um it's uh yeah, it's nice to be able to show up um in a like meaningful way.

SPEAKER_02 38:08

Yeah. Super, super underrated part, I think, of sobriety. And I don't know if that's like the same case for everyone, um, but for me too. Uh like because back when anything used to happen when I was in addiction, I think that there was probably like meetings where they were like, who's gonna fucking tell Brian? Like, I don't want to fucking tell Brian. And then like now, I mean, my aunt got diagnosed, and then my mom and other aunt like flew out here and then like asked me to pick them up. Like, they stayed in my apartment. I got them to my aunt. Like, that was like they asked me to do it. Which before, like, they would have done any they would have asked a fucking complete stranger to do it before they asked me to do it.

SPEAKER_00 38:53

That's awesome. I mean, it's you know, again, bad circumstance, but amazing that you're able to be the the kind of you know, just that strong uh person in your family's life in such a hard time.

SPEAKER_02 39:06

Yeah, no, it's like it's huge. It is huge.

SPEAKER_00 39:10

I think it is one of the most underrated or biggest things, you know, unless maybe until you're put to the test like that in sobriety, right? I think until you're really put to a test where all of a sudden you're you're given the opportunity to be like the strong one, and you see that your family maybe now sees you in a different way in that in that too, is like, wow, you know, like we've all come a long way here.

SPEAKER_02 39:30

Yeah, yeah, for sure. It's crazy. And I think that more people who are like looking to get sober need to like wrap their minds around like that's just very small part of the good stuff that sobriety can give you. It's like your family sees you in a whole fucking different way, which is crazy. Because like most of the time, you know, like families are like biggest critics of everyone.

SPEAKER_00 39:54

Totally, totally. It's uh it it's it's been it's been one of the more rewarding parts, especially because I had been such a wreck for you know a couple years prior to getting sober, and like I was just such a mess. And uh we were at the point where my sister was ready to like not speak to me for a little bit, you know, and and my family was just deeply concerned, and I lost friends during this point, like close friends, lifelong friends, things of that nature, you know, just blowing shit up right and left, and um to feel like you know, again, that I I've not only gained trust back within my family, but to know that I trust myself too, you know, like let's say even just to show up for my nieces or things like that. You know, I have young nieces and there was always this insecurity that like I knew that my sister would never really trust me to like hang out with them, you know, without supervision because we there was no secret that I was a mess. And so to like again work through things like those little things where you're like, wow, again, now I'm like a trustworthy person and I have gained that trust back is huge.

SPEAKER_02 41:03

Yeah, no, for sure. I have uh now I have two nieces and a nephew, but before I had a niece and a nephew, and my brother would have me, like, like I would watch them, and I would be, you know, like I'd like drag myself out of bed to watch them, and I'd be not sober during this whole thing. And it's like man, he must have been like so desperate, like, or he was just because he believes in me more than like anyone in the world. And so like maybe he just like believed that I would like get through it. Right but it was it's just like crazy to look back on.

SPEAKER_00 41:39

Yeah, no, that is, I mean, hey, you know, he really uh hey he trusted you, so there's that. But um and same thing, I I my sister, I had watched my nieces um quite a bit for my sister. At that point, I had not gone off the deep end and I was able to keep it together for the hours that I was watching my nieces. Like I was I was good, but um, but it was one of the things that came to me recently when I was just talking with my sister about my sobriety, and I had said, you know, I'm so like it's hard because I don't have a lot of regrets, but I regret so much that I spent so much time of those early years of my niece's life um being just a drunk because uh not that it really affected them too much at all because I, you know, wasn't a total mess like that, but um where I just didn't remember stuff, you know, and it was like oh, you know, it's such a it just kind of sucks, kind of a thing. What those like later on sobriety realizations that hit um, you know, when you start to think about all the things yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 42:42

So your family knows um the people at work know, right? They are now sober.

SPEAKER_00 42:49

They know I'm now sober. Um my my immediate bosses that they're not aware of necessarily how bad it was. I haven't I haven't uh advertised that I was like drinking on the job, though I think it's probably uh a few of them it's have an idea.

SPEAKER_02 43:07

Yeah. Yeah, I know like uh I mean that whole thing is I think important in sobriety is like making yourself accountable amongst your immediate you know people that you interact with. Because that makes you not want to fall off the wagon even more. Like my first my first job that I got in a restaurant after I got sober, I like told the owners who like we were like kind of like friends, I guess, but they didn't know how bad it was. And I like told them I was like, this is how bad it was. If I do drink again, if you see me drinking again, if you hear about me drinking again, I'm like just fire me, because it's not gonna be good. Like, I'm gonna be drunk behind your bar, I'm gonna be drunk in your restaurant, like I'm gonna be a complete fucking mess. And like just doing that and being honest with everyone, especially. Soon as I got sober, about like you know, if I start drinking again, just fucking get rid of me. Like, do not trust that it's gonna be okay because it's not. And that helped me stay sober all the way, you know, even like now. Like, I tell people that I meet about like, oh, I'm actually sober. I tell people at the bar that I'm working at, if they like, if they ask me enough questions, because there's always like the everyone wants to know like what the bartender likes to drink and stuff. And so like I'll do like the initial, like, I'll lie, or I'll tell them something that I used to drink, and then if they keep like, you know, hit me with questions, or honestly, if they're just being like, if they're fucking douchebags, I'll hit them with it right away. I'm like, actually, I don't drink. I'm over four years sober, I was a severe alcoholic, and it's like really awkward to talk to you about.

SPEAKER_00 44:51

Yeah, you're like, I actually don't have a recommendation for you. I'm sober. Thanks.

SPEAKER_02 44:55

Yeah, maybe you should go catch a meeting. That maybe that's my recommendation.

SPEAKER_00 44:58

Hey, I know that must get tricky as uh you know, in just in that world to I'm sure see us, I'm sure you see a lot.

SPEAKER_02 45:07

Yeah, yeah, and I'm sure I saw a lot, but I think that I think I like saw a lot in then like back in active addiction, but like I like connected with it almost. Like the craziest shit that people would see at a bar would happen, and I'd be like, Yeah, you and me both, right?

SPEAKER_00 45:31

Yeah, I feel that. You know, it's in that in that same regard, it's uh I I find that I look back at just certain connections, let's say I made throughout my 20s or whatnot, and I as I reflect on how again chaotic some of them were, I'm like, I think I was just like, Oh, I'm recognizing myself and other people, you know. It's like, oh, you're chaotic, I'm chaotic. Let's be chaotic together.

SPEAKER_02 45:52

Yeah, exactly. Which is like never good.

SPEAKER_00 45:55

No, it only like fuel to the fire for for both of us.

SPEAKER_02 46:01

Yeah, accountability is so important. Um, I think you talk about in one of your videos, like just moving your body too. Like you say that you like move you try to move your body at least twice a week, you don't put that much pressure on yourself, which is huge because I think that people who get into sobriety put so much pressure on themselves to like, you know, become like a fucking gym rat or something. When in all reality, like there's a very specific percentage of the population that can just like fucking work out every day and have eight packs and are fucking shredded to shit. Like there's a very select percentage that actually do it. And like that's not all of us, and we can't like put that pressure on us.

SPEAKER_00 46:45

No, totally. It's uh it's something I had to learn in the beginning was I really was trying to do too much initially. Once I felt better, you know, and I was like, Yeah, I feel better, like let's do the next thing, which is like go to the gym and start working out, and you know, and I was like waking up at like 6 a.m. and they're you know, trying to do it like four or five times a week, and I just burnt myself out so fast trying to do that to where then I took a little break. Um, and then when I when I came back, and again, kind of the big arc of my first year of sobriety is really just building consistent routines that I that are uh sustainable, something that I that I can keep up with because it's just consistency was my biggest issue in addiction, obviously. It's like who can stay consistent when you're a full-blown addict, and then relearning consistency in sobriety. Um, that's been a huge part of it is is moving my body, but again, finding like a realistic um cadence. And so for me, that's been, you know, like yeah, like twice a week. Um, and then walking every day. Like walking every day is really truly like that has just been a consistent, I have a dog, so I walk him, you know, all the time, and I live in an apartment, so we have to go outside all the time. Um so that like just was kind of a way to get me out of my own head initially when I quit drinking, and still is an incredible way for me to get out of my own head and kind of just, you know, uh have more productive thoughts um if I'm feeling like chaotic or foggy or whatever. Um but the accountability of showing up, you know, twice a week to go do like harder cardio and some weight lifting has been um like the next level of proving to myself I can do hard things, and that's felt really good. But again, I'm not like I want it to be sustainable, so twice a week, because I like trying to do it all at once is great, but you'll burn out so fast, and that's something I realized uh pretty quick when I was just trying to do all the things and just you know, in the in the light of feeling so much better and things like that. It's like you gotta take it slow.

SPEAKER_02 48:57

Yeah, and if you're only doing it twice a week, if you're not doing it all the time, because I mean you work a full-time job, then you also stack on an hour or two, five days a week of just like working out or like going to the gym, that's like a lot of fucking time out of your days. And I think it's super important in sobriety to like have the like have that time like just for yourself, like whether that be you know, like laying by the pool listening to music or you know, like eating fucking ice cream on your couch or sleeping, like sleeping's fucking huge. Like in sobriety, you should just be sleeping all the fucking time because you're trying to catch up.

SPEAKER_00 49:40

No, I totally agree. I um that was actually one of the things that I was when I had initially started going to the gym and again getting up at 6 a.m., I still hadn't created a good sleep schedule for myself. So I was going to bed at like 2 a.m. and waking up to go work out at 6 a.m. I'm like, well, this makes no sense because I'm sacrificing my sleep to go like take care of my body, but I'm like, you know, just it was such a it was we weren't quite there yet. It was like cart before the horse, you know, where I'm like, okay, all of the intention is there of like wanting to move towards better living, but I need better routine first. So then sleep became okay, let's prioritize sleep before we're prioritizing the 6 a.m. workout. So now I work out in the afternoons there before I can sleep more. But you know, uh, yeah, just again creating the consistent uh consistency behind routine. I think probably if I could if I could give advice to anyone who's like newly sober or you know, again in the first year sobriety is really just focusing, like keeping it simple and keeping it sustainable will it does it does wonders. You know, it really has been the thing that gives me the most satisfaction at the end of my day, the most satisfaction just in myself as a person, just showing up for myself consistently every day, and then anything that comes after that is great, you know, it's just like an add-on.

SPEAKER_02 51:00

Yeah, yeah. Like I think that you know, like year one, like you said, like doing it all for yourself, like being completely selfish. Yeah, I think that like year one, just you know, fuck everybody else, be selfish, because like you're trying to rebuild yourself, and then like you know, the years after that, like obviously focus on other stuff because you can't just be selfish your whole life, I guess. Yeah, at least that's what they tell me.

SPEAKER_00 51:25

It's like rebuilding the foundation of yourself. That's how I've looked at it is like I needed to rebuild my foundation so I could show up in the world as like a uh worthwhile human being that's like offering good things to other people and you know, just the environments around me. It's like if I didn't rebuild that foundation and I just was kind of like operating as like a straw house that could, you know, like be blown down at any time, um, I would be blown down at any time kind of a thing. You know, that's how I felt. Like I was just this like rocky little shack. And so this last year, just like you know, how I view it is like I've just been rebuilding my little human house of myself, and now I can go out in the world and be yeah, like a better human in year two, year three, and the years to come.

SPEAKER_02 52:17

Human house is a weird thing. I think about like just like human skin as walls.

SPEAKER_00 52:23

Right, yeah, right. This is my human skin.

SPEAKER_02 52:26

Like someone's just like being severely tortured. And you're like, you like walk in the front door, they're like, please don't walk inside of me.

SPEAKER_00 52:34

Oh yeah, you're like, this is just my human sleeve. I feel that.

SPEAKER_01 52:40

Um yeah, great. This was great. Yeah, yeah, no.

SPEAKER_00 52:46

I was uh happy to chat about sobriety, and you know, I'm just grateful to be here. I always used to hear alcoholics be like, I'm so grateful, and I never quite grasped that until I became like one of those grateful alcoholics, and I'm like, I'm just so grateful all the time.

SPEAKER_02 53:02

Yeah, no, talking about sobriety is like is one of my favorite things to like do, actually. Like somebody asked like who I was as a because they were like, Oh, they were in sales, and they were like, Are you like a different person when you're not bartending? And I was like, I mean, like, I'm still like pretty fucking funny, but I was like, the like the courses are all different. Like, I'm talking about something completely different when I'm not in this building. Like, I'm talking about fucking not drinking alcohol when I'm not serving people alcohol.

SPEAKER_00 53:34

Yeah, right. When I'm not serving it, I'm talking about not doing it.

SPEAKER_02 53:38

Yeah, I'm like, it's like completely opposite, actually. Like it's like uh like I'm a teacher by day, but like a prostitute at night.

SPEAKER_00 53:45

Yeah, I don't absolutely hate it. It totally gives that vibe. That's funny. Um, I know it's like uh it's like double life vibes, but yeah. But hey, who's more qualified to uh talk about alcohol than someone who's you know went pro early, as they say?

SPEAKER_02 54:02

Yeah, we were so good at it that we had to retire.

SPEAKER_00 54:05

So good at it. Fully retired to never come out of retirement.

SPEAKER_02 54:12

Yeah, and yeah, I'm not gonna be like Michael Jordan, that's for sure. No, not I'm not Tom Brady.

SPEAKER_00 54:19

No, yeah, we're out, we're out.

SPEAKER_02 54:22

Well, it was great talking to you. Um everybody listening. I don't know how many actually like not many people listen to my podcast yet. It's building every day. Um off the claw on uh TikTok, Instagram.

SPEAKER_00 54:38

Yes, Instagram is off.the claw, but still off the claw. And that's where you can find me thus far.

SPEAKER_02 54:44

Yeah, I'll put her links in the bios below. Whatever people do.

SPEAKER_00 54:52

Wherever they go, don't be there.

SPEAKER_02 54:54

This was great. Uh definitely check her shit out. She fucking she's the real one. She's out here telling everybody real fucking stories. She's telling her how she's telling everybody how bad her days are. People don't do that. Most people in sobriety are gonna tell you that sobriety's fucking great and their life is great, and now they're ripped, jacked individuals who drive escalades, and it's like, that's not how it fucking works.

SPEAKER_00 55:19

That's not how it works. Life still be life and in sobriety, and that's that really rings true and has rung true for many people I've connected with who have uh appreciated you know that I keep it real and that's why I keep doing it. I'm like, it may be you know, cringe to cry on the internet, but hey, someone's gotta do it. I'm clocked in.

SPEAKER_02 55:38

Fucking clock it in. Well, thank you so much. It was nice to get to know you.

SPEAKER_00 55:43

Yeah, nice to get to know.

SPEAKER_02 55:44

Yeah, I will I will uh let you know. This will be posted fucking tomorrow.

SPEAKER_00 55:50

Great, hey, can't wait.

SPEAKER_02 55:52

Alright, I gotta go edit some shit now.

SPEAKER_00 55:55

Sounds good. Well, I'll be seeing you on the uh the old interweb.

SPEAKER_01 55:59

Alright. Bye.