People Pleasing and Addiction

I talk about how I have always had a deep need to gauge the temperature of every room and human and then make everyone happy so they will all like me. I also discuss how it has followed me through childhood and active addiction and how it still is a thing in sobriety.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to Rock Bottom is the new normal. I am, of course, Brian. Uh I'm in a suit. I think I should dress serious for, you know, like more of a serious discussion. Um, I mean, I think everything that I talk about on here and everything that I talk about with people and sobriety and just all of it is so serious. But how I approach a lot of it is through through humor, and I think that it's so important to be able to have humor about like you know, shitty fucked up shit in your life. Otherwise, it kind of just makes it all seem damp and stupid and like really sad. Um and like I just I wanted to maybe like do like a like a super super raw one. Um I mean most of I mean all of them. I'm completely raw. I don't do like I'm unscripted, I just kind of like you know speak off the dome. I generally try to like keep within like a guideline. Like I'll just like I'll pick a topic and I'll just kind of see like what happens with my brain and my mouth with that topic. And it, I don't know, most of the time it just works out. Um so I don't like read a script of whatever I say is literally just me, you know, pouring my heart out. But a lot of my defense mechanisms and stuff that I've built throughout, you know, like traumatic childhood and everything is like humor. Like I make a lot of people, like I need to make everyone in the room feel comfortable by breaking the ice with everyone in the room. That's how I've always been. Like I've always, you know, if like my parents argued or any of that, like I constantly was trying to make light of situations to, you know, like make people laugh so everyone wasn't so serious or, you know, like you go to like a funeral or like somebody's sad about somebody dying, or like somebody's sad about like a diagnosis or something. Like I always try to make light of it just, and that's probably like not a good, super great trait to have. The fact that like if anything seriously bad is happening, I'm like trying to make everybody laugh about it. But that's just how I am. I think that that's I think a lot of people in my situations, a lot of bartenders, just like a lot of people in the service industry have the same trait. Like I think that I think that's why that we're in the service industry. I think because we're so good at making everyone around us feel comfortable all the time and make everyone around us feel like good, even in bad situations. And you know, I don't I don't think about that like a lot. I don't think about I don't think about me doing it because it's just so ingrained in my day-to-day and it has been my entire life. Everything that I can remember, you know, I've been trying to make everyone in the room feel good and be happy and be laughing because if they're if they're not laughing, then you know, like what are they then they're either like in a bad mood or they're sad, or what are they gonna notice about me if I'm not making them laugh? You know, like who am I to everyone if I'm not making them laugh? And I used to this is you know, that's a super sad realization to come to, and it used to bog me down a lot more. I used to put a lot more pressure on myself in order to do this, and I was you know watching Instagram reels or something the other day, and I I talk about Theo Vaughn a lot. I think that Theo Vaughn kind of like captures his sobriety is amazing. What he's able to do with his sobriety is amazing. He's very like nonchalant and cavalier about it, but when he has to be serious about it, like he can hunker down and be serious about it. And I think that he had a serious problem and I think he struggles with it, you know, day in and day out, even though he is, you know, a celebrity and a lot of people don't want to see that or they choose not to see it. Um but I think when he has because he's funny as fuck about everything, like The Ovan, some of his one-liners are so fucking funny. But I think I like him the most when he gets into that like seriousness, and he's like completely real raw, on cut, and he'll talk about stuff in this one particular reel. He was talking about how you know he like lost sight of like who he was, and the only way he could like figure out who he was was by like how other people perceived him, and so he you know, like he had to put up the charade, and he was talking about like balancing plates, and he was like, you know, like I had to keep all the plates spinning because if one of the plates stopped spinning, the you know, the whole fucking thing's coming down. And I think that that's so real and so relatable, probably to a lot of us, especially to me. Like I I felt that like right here. I, you know, like I said, like I was raised in a household that I from a super young age felt this need to soften rooms and soften a lot of situations. And that's a lot of pressure to like, and it makes me sad, you know, like it it makes me really, it makes me really sad for me as a little kid. I I think that a lot of people didn't notice, they just thought that I was being, you know, like a funny kid, but I had so much pressure on me when I was little, and I instead of you know having fun, which you know people probably assumed I was having fun because I was making jokes and like laughing and stuff, but it was so much more than that. Like I felt this like guttural responsibility to make everybody laugh around me, and like I was constantly having to be on an alert as you know, like a little kid instead of genuinely like having fun. Like I always had eyes on everyone's situations, their demeanors, their I was constantly listening to their conversations and I was gauging temperatures of conversations and people, and I like was constantly having to be ready to pull something out, you know, like just to soften the blow. And I was constantly in my head about okay, they're talking about X, Y, and Z. If this goes south, if they start to argue, if they start any of this stuff, like I need to be prepared with, you know, like a one-liner or a joke or like a fucking dance or like anything entertaining that's gonna get them to soften their demeanors and get everyone back on this like you know, common ground situation. And it's just it's sad. It's sad that I had to do that, and it's sad that I still have to do that to this day. That's just something that's so ingrained in me that I I can't get out of that mindset. Like I can't, I just I can't, I can't not be fully aware of situations. And I mean, like, I think that that makes me, you know, a that makes me a good bartender or a good service industry person because I have that ability to listen into everyone's conversations and I have that ability to soften without them realizing that they need softening yet. And I have that ability to keep everyone even keeled at the bar. And I've been doing it, you know, since I started. Like I have because there's a lot of people that like bars are you know, bars are tricky. Everyone's drinking, people get pissed off when they get drinking, but and I I just know that so much so from like firsthand experience, like seeing it and being a part of it. And I now just like I just do it without thinking. And a lot of other people, I guess, can't do that. So I don't know if it's like a good trait to have or if it's a bad trait to have, because you know, it's so mentally exhausting and emotionally exhausting to constantly be having to soften everybody else around you. And I don't even like just thinking about it, like I don't know if I still like I still soften everyone around me. I still do this constantly, but like I don't know if I'm doing it because I'm so afraid of people like seeing who I actually am and them not liking me. I mean, probably. I mean, there's probably like a lot, there's probably a lot of that to it, and then there's probably also just like a lot of like I just don't want people fighting or arguing around me because it makes me really uncomfortable, and it always has. And I remember specifically I started to become hyper self-aware of a lot of this behavior in active addiction. Um I mean, I was just doing it for a long time without even thinking about it. Like that was just I just assumed that everyone else was doing it. And I met a I met a girl, and you know, I looked at this girl in a way different way than I had looked at other people before. Like she was, you know, uh instantly on a pedestal. Uh we got engaged, we lived together, everything, and I was in full-blown active addiction too, and I was trying to hide a lot of it. I think I talk about this sometimes, but uh, you know, I was like hiding bottles in the backyard and like in the washing and washing machine, like everywhere. And I was like, she's the only one that made me want to quit. You know, like she said she didn't want me drinking as much, and I took that to heart and I really tried. I tried a lot. I, you know, got sober and relapsed so many times within the span of a couple years. And I remember just the feeling that I had around her that I could be so real and so raw and open up and you know, all of my defensive walls that I'd built up over the years with trauma and just like bad shit happening, you know, they went down. And I remember like starting to kind of notice patterns of myself, even though like I was drunk and everything. Um but I noticed that I was like going out of my way to you know listen to everybody around me, and I was going out of my way to like try to make everybody happy, and it was this realization that really put even more pressure on me. And I remember multiple times like sitting on the ground in the kitchen and her like standing kind of like near me and me just stopping. And I remember just being like, I just can't do this anymore. I can't keep, I just can't keep up with having to make everyone else happy. And she was like, Well, what why are you doing that? And I was like, I just I have to. It's it's this, you know, incessant need in inside of me that like I have to make everybody happy. Because if I'm not making everybody happy, then like, what am I doing? What am I here for? What if they see me as like not a funny guy and they start to actually see what I am? Uh what if they fight in front of me? What if they, you know, what if they fight so much that they get divorced? And she was like, get divorced. And I was like, well, maybe that's you know, like going back to my childhood, like, you know, like if my parents fought, I instantly was like, they're gonna get fucking divorced. And it's gonna be like my fault because I'm not making everybody laugh. And what did that look like? You know, like then my siblings and I are going, you know, house to house. My siblings are gonna blame me, they're not gonna like me anymore. You know, my parents aren't gonna like me anymore. Like everyone on this small island that I lived on, they're gonna be like, you know, it's your fault that your parents got divorced because you didn't make them laugh. And I just remember just sobbing and like just being so defeated by the fact that I have to make everyone laugh because otherwise, you know, no one's gonna like me. And that was such a harsh realization. And uh, you know, I got sober and I I just I think about that like quite a bit, even like later in my sobriety. And like I still like I said, I still do it, and I still have this need to please everybody in case they you know, because if I'm again, if I'm not making them laugh, then they're not gonna like me. And that's such a hard thing. And I think that so many people in the service industry, especially like the lifers, the people that do this as a career, I think that they have the same thing, and it's it's hard, and you're not alone. You know, we're all here. There's probably a lot of us that have this same incessant need, and it took over our entire childhood, and it meant, you know, our childhood's not as much fun as everyone else's, and it I don't know, I have to keep trying to twist it in a positive light.

SPEAKER_01 15:35

I have to keep, you know, thinking it made us better now. It has to.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

It has to like we have to be better because of this. We have to be better adults. Like making everyone around us feel good is like it's not a bad trait to have. We could be way worse. It's really hard on all of us, I think, emotionally and mentally, but it it could be worse, it has to be. But since you know, I heard Theo Vaughn have like a similar mindset, and it just made me wonder if like that's what drove him a little bit into addiction, and you know, like if that was a contributing factor, and if that was a contributing factor to me, like you know, if you're if you have to be on 24-7 around everyone, and you're constantly not even really your true self, like that has to be a reason that you're like, Yeah, I'm gonna, you know, drink a little bit, and or like, yeah, like you know, a couple pills or you know, a couple bumps or whatever, like it has to be. And it's tough. And if you're struggling with this, like I see you, I hear you, I know exactly what you're going through.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

But it it has to be worse. It's not that bad in the grand scheme of things. And I think we're all doing great. Um yeah, uh, and then another positive, another positive point, right? Like I live in Arizona, Arizona's hot as fuck.

SPEAKER_00 17:42

If you're going into a gas station, I do this frequently. Like, if I see people outside of a gas station and they look like they're homeless, they look like they're going through a hard time and they're like asking people for money. As a recovering addict, I know that if somebody gave me money and I was in their situation, I would go and I would spend it on, you know, whatever it is that ailed me. I get them waters or like, you know, like waters for sure, maybe some snacks. Like I'm like very consistent about this at every gas station or store that I'm at. Like I'm constantly trying to do this. And I never see it like instantly like pay forward, you know, like where you like see something else similar happen. And the other day I was on my way to work, got two waters for the two people standing outside. You know, they didn't ask for anything else, they were very grateful that I gave them water. And I think it's crazy that more people don't give them water. It's a basic human need, and like everyone deserves it. Everyone deserves cold water on a hot day. Fucking non-negotiable. But on my way to work afterwards, I saw three separate instances of somebody stopping and giving, you know, somebody on a corner or something, something like water, you know, their cash, whatever, a snack. Like I saw three separate instances just on my like 15-minute drive to work.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

And that's just so fucking cool.

SPEAKER_00 19:13

And I think everyone just needs to do better. We all need to do better, we all need to help each other out. The people that are out there that are asking for money, that are doing all this stuff, even if you know you're like, oh, well, they're addicts. Like, yeah, but I'm willing to bet a lot of money that the people that are out there asking for money and are sweating out in this heat have already, like, they've already hit rock bottom. They want to get out. They are willing to do whatever they can to get out. They just don't have the right resources and they don't have the proper channels to go through and they don't know how to get out because they're stuck in this fucking, you know, whirlpool, bottom of the toilet shit that we've all been through as addicts. But some of us are just luckier than others. I was lucky that I had a support system. I was lucky that I got out when I did. I was very close to probably being one of them. And we all need to just help out a little bit more. You know, I talked about before. If you do a little bit different every day, like if you do something a little bit different every day over time, it's fucking huge. If we all do a little bit different, if we all do a little bit better every single fucking day, it's gonna multiply, it's gonna fucking become this huge fucking thing, and we're gonna help so many fucking people out because of it. So please, like, let's just fucking help each other out, give each other grace, give yourself grace, drink some fucking water, stay hydrated or dirated. And you know what? I'm done with the sad thing. Sad thing's over, suits on. Stay sober, drink a fucking diet coke. You earned it, have an ice cream. Everybody, have a good day.