The Real Reason You Fight With Your Kids (It's Your Ego)

Toddler meltdowns are just a signal. If you're reacting with anger, you're not parenting—you're struggling for power with a child. Today, parenting coach Ladi Ghanem breaks down the systems to de-escalate these moments before they start, how to set firm screen time boundaries, and why your own ego might be the biggest hurdle in your parenting.

In this episode:

• The 'Awareness, Growth, Repair' framework
• Why you fight with your kids (it's your pattern, not theirs)
• How to hold a boundary without losing your cool

Connect with Latiffe Ghanem: 
https://www.livinginprogress.com/about
https://www.instagram.com/livingin_progress/reels/

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• Subscribe to the Operate playlist for more tactical parenting systems.
• Get your operational blueprints at parenttap.io

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Transcript

The Real Reason You Fight

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Remember that moment last week when your kid said something that made you want to scream? And you either screamed or you swallowed it and felt like a failure either way. Yeah, me too. Laddie came on this show three months ago and something she said broke through the noise for so many of you that she's back by popular demand. Today we're going deeper on the one thing no

Intro: Ladi Ghanem

SPEAKER_02 0:20

parenting expert tells you. How to stay calm when everything inside you wants to explode and actually build connection instead of resentment. Laddie, since since April, since our last conversation, have you been testing any of these any new approaches in your work? And has anything shifted in the way you think about calm parenting in that time?

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Yeah. So honestly, there hasn't been huge changes in the terms of new approaches because the approach in itself, it really depends on the people that that you work with, right? Because the answer is in the pattern that you developed. So it's more helping people find that aha moment and identify the pattern that is really running the show. I think what has really helped is helping these moms who feel like, oh my God, I I am stuck. I am doing the same thing over and over and over again. It's really helping them identify how to change that dynamic. And and that aha moment for me is worth everything. And then in terms of calm parenting, as I mentioned to you before, I don't think there's like this one philosophy or one thing that applies. It's not about being a gentle parent, a

The 'Awareness, Growth, Repair' Framework

SPEAKER_01 1:30

traditional parent, an authoritative. It's it's about being a parent and the best parent you can be for your child without bringing in all of that extra baggage that you are bringing into the relationship.

SPEAKER_02 1:43

Yeah, that's powerful. So let's let's break this one down, like a little hypothetical situation, but it's actually a reality in my household. Um a five-year-old one put won't put down the tablet at dinner. Walk us through the moment. What's happening underneath the fight?

SPEAKER_01 1:56

So what's happening? Well, first of all, they are having fun, they are entertained, and they don't want to stop, right? And you guys are probably also tired, exhausted of having the same fight. And you want him to put down the tablet so he can have dinner. And the minute he goes into a meltdown or having an outburst of emotion, it gets uncomfortable for you. So you end up giving in and you either give him back the tablet or you tell him to leave the table. And then it's like nobody wins because he didn't eat, you then feel guilty, he's not having dinner. Oh my god, he's gonna starve to death. And my advice to you would be you have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, and you have to get comfortable with setting the boundary in terms of saying, Okay, with the tablet, you you give like a set time, screen time. You're gonna if you if you choose to give your child screen time, you give them that boundary. And then you say, Okay, it's about that time where we have to put away the tablet and enjoy dinner as a family. And the first thing he's gonna, you know, get really, really upset and he's gonna try and negotiate, bargain his way, get really screamy, tantrumy. And that's when you have to like be really calm and regulate yourself and and just be like, you know what, you are allowed to have your emotions, but it's just not gonna happen. And you can't give in. Because the minute you keep that boundary solid, he's eventually going to learn that no matter what he does, the boundaries ain't gonna change. You're not gonna give in.

SPEAKER_02 3:29

Yeah, and speaking of which, my daughter last night. Okay, so this is the thing that's going on with her. She's just just she just turned five. And so her birthday was last week. It was during the week. And so I I I sleep in here in this room. I have a couch out there, like a pull-out couch, and because I'm working at all all hours in the night and whatnot. Like, I can't sleep during this layoff. Um, and so I'm just constantly working, doing something and plugging away. My daughter has this kind of like roll away bud, it's Spider-Man, and she, you know, she'll she'll sometimes like put it in here and sleep on the floor. And we we've been watching Christmas movies because it's Christmas in July. Why not? And so we have had a really good time hanging out with her at night. But last night, my wife and I were like, hey, look, you start school next week. It's a school night, right? Like, let's let's start preparing you for the school week. You cannot sleep in dad's office anymore, you cannot sleep with mom and the dog downstairs anymore. You need to sleep in your own bed. She pulled out all the stops. She was like, Oh, you guys don't love me. She's crying, she's banging on the door, she's making a whole lot of noise, almost about to wake up my two-year-old son. That was really hard for us to not give in and to really keep that boundary because at that point I wanted to be like, oh, honey, just come on, it's fine. Like, and it's almost like taking the path of least resistance, right? At that moment. Yeah. But I know that that's like the cop-out way, and and it's not gonna like help her set herself up for success on day one of school when she needs the 10 hours plus of sleep that she's gonna get. Is that kind of what you're is is that kind of the same situation as the phone where it's like you kind of just have to hold your ground?

SPEAKER_01 4:59

It is, it is. You just kind of have to hold your ground and understand that it's it's also it was a big change for her, right? This this came out of left field for her. It's

The Power Struggle Analogy

SPEAKER_01 5:10

like when you and I usually use the the example, it's like if you're binge watching your favorite show and suddenly somebody, a voice from up above, came up and said, Okay, we're gonna shut it off right now.

SPEAKER_02 5:23

Oh no, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:24

And you're like, wait, what? Like, we are the best part. I was just it's just getting interesting, and you are determining for me that it's enough TV time, that I can't continue watching my show. I was having such a fun time. And plus, so she's having all of this connection with daddy where she's being special and and there's a new little brother, but now she's being special because she's having all of this connection time with daddy, watching movies in his office, and suddenly that is all being cut off very, very suddenly. It came out of left field for her, so she's acting out because she's like, Whoa, you guys changed the rules of the game all over, and and you don't love me because that's what she's feeling, right? She's feeling like, oh my god, my world is ending. I was having so much fun, and suddenly you guys change the rules. But the good news is that it you guys know that you're doing it for her benefit. You you guys know that you're doing it for her well-being. You are setting her up for success. So I think it's it's a great way for her to get ready for school. So you guys know you're doing the right thing. Yeah. It's just being able to be uncle having to sit with the discomfort of her being upset at you and not understanding like this is for your own good right now. Role-playing works a lot. Like, okay, so starting tomorrow, we're all gonna go into our own beds and everybody's gonna get tucked in because we're gonna start getting ready for school. And you know, whatever gets her prepared or in the mindset that things are going to change, that summer is eventually gonna come to an end. Children are also living very much in the present. We tend to live more in the future. They live in the here and now, so they don't understand why here and now they can't have what they want.

SPEAKER_02 7:12

Yeah, yeah. And it just breaks my heart to have to go through all those emotion. She's she's she's got autism, so she's on the spectrum. And so that makes it even more me more, I don't know, of course, like a tender heart for for her situation of like, hey honey, come on, it's okay. Like it makes me, I really, really, really wanted to do that.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

And it really had to say things that changes things a little bit because for um children on on the spectrum, you do have to understand that changing patterns for them sometimes it's very, very it's it can, you know, so you have to be especially cognizant of when something is changing, maybe just be like extra communicative about it so that they know the change is coming. And I'm sure you guys are in all kinds of behavior therapy and and learning how to how to deal with change and all of that stuff. Yeah, but that does when you when you have a special needs child, you have to be take into account all of those special needs.

SPEAKER_02 8:10

Yeah, yeah. There's even I mean, even something as simple as uh her brother going downstairs first will set her off. Like she woke up today and was pissed that he was down the stairs first, but he woke up first and he needs milk. They got different needs, you know, is two years old, she's five years old. You know, she doesn't need milk and she doesn't need to be howled on the couch, you know, and where he does. And so, yeah, I mean, so there's even stuff like that where it's like we're working through trying to understand and getting on her emotional level of of all that. I wanted to get into the social media bands because I've been I've been doing a little like some mini episodes on this, and recently Australia passed on, the UK is talking about it, and there's some states even in the US talking about it. But you help moms who are living inside that reality right now. So, what's your take on the band conversation from a calm parenting lens?

SPEAKER_01 8:58

Yeah, so I think social media is doing a huge number on children. What there's a lot of scientific proof around it, and we understand that there is a change in their dopamine levels, there is a change in how they interpret and and in their own social skills, how they communicate, how they navigate. So I'm not here to tell you screens are the evil, evil, the worst evil in the world, and keep your children off screens. I'm just here to tell you if you do choose to give your kids screens, just be cognizant of, you know, screen times and boundaries because there is scientific proof and more and more we are seeing it that children who are, you know, on screens for their greater part of the day, they do have difficulty in social like with social anxiety and they have difficulty communicating and they don't they have trouble like connecting with other individuals and their dopamine levels because they're getting used to, you know, constant gratification. So it does have a role to play. So I would very much invite parents to get educated about what screens do and then make a decision that works for their family, and understanding that no child and no two children are the same and no two families are the same, but you need to make a decision that works for your family while having all of the information. And I would definitely encourage them to set limits on screen time and to really understand how screens can become beneficial, but also how they can become detrimental.

SPEAKER_02 10:40

Yeah. And so Lottie, you are cultured, you are your audience is global, right? Is there something universal about how just mothers and even fathers really get overwhelmed that transcends culture or geography?

SPEAKER_01 10:52

Yeah, I think you know, when you have your child having a tantrum and and like what you just explained, having your your child in complete tears and you completely desolate, and you you want to make them feel better immediately. And you don't care if it's giving them one more piece of candy or going or allowing them to go on the slide one more time, or you know, whatever it is, you don't want to see your child suffer. And I think a lot of parents struggle with that, and they struggle with the guilt that comes from not allowing that or feeling like somehow they're failing their children because they have to deal with these big emotions and big meltdowns. And it's like, why is my child reacting in this way?

SPEAKER_02 11:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:40

Yeah, yeah, definitely. That's that's in in some way comforting to know that it's not just me, it's not just America, like it's kind of like global, and we're all kind of struggling. Like if we have kids in the same situations and like, you know, maybe different circumstances, but in in the same, we can understand each other and in some sort of like same language. Oh, for sure. That's helpful. And that's why I love this podcast because I get to talk to ex smart experts like you, and then I get to kind of like be like, okay, I'm okay, right? I'm not like this isn't just me.

SPEAKER_00 12:10

Are that crazy? Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

Yeah, so that's this isn't only happening to me and my family and my children. It's right, because it feels like all over, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:20

It can feel like that in a bubble too, especially um being isolated and you know, I worked remotely and now, you know, being removed from that remote work sec uh sector, and now just like basically it's just like working my kids, and so like there's no time or energy to like converse with anybody else outside of the podcast. So that's why I love love love having people on like you that I can talk to and they can they they feel like I'm understood, you know, for the first time in a long time.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

Yeah, for sure. And I think that's why that's why coaching and seeking help and and really connecting with other like-minded individuals, it helps you understand that you're not alone. This is not only happening to you and your family and your kids. It's more of a universal experience that people just come to it and they're facing constantly.

SPEAKER_02 13:09

Yeah. So, Laddie, in our first conversation, you meant you mentioned awareness and growth were the foundation for the framework. Has anything changed about the framework at all since then or or you know, evolved since we talked about it last time? Or you want to just update us on the framework, if not?

SPEAKER_01 13:24

Sure.

Awareness, Growth, Repair Breakdown

SPEAKER_01 13:25

It's awareness, growth, and then repair. I would say repair is also a huge component of repair not only within ourselves, of how we repair the wounds of the past, but repair as well into how we reflect with our children and with our partners and how we show up for others. Oh, we tend to believe that being saying, you know, I'm sorry, or I overreacted, or hey, I didn't handle that the best way I could have, or I don't know why I even handled that that way. Mommy, you know, or daddy lost his temper, and it's okay. It's okay to show up and say stuff like that. And I was certainly raised in a very different household where that didn't happen. Like mom and dad were infallible, and they never came and said, I don't know why I shouted, or I don't know why I reacted that way. Um, so you sort of learn to navigate and you just get past it. But being able to model that behavior also teaches your children to come to you and say, Hey, I didn't handle that the best way I put I could have. And I could have handled it differently. And it also opens up the channels of communication because yeah, today you have a toddler, but eventually you're gonna have a teenager and eventually you're gonna have an adult, and you wanna have those lines of communication open so that they can come to you and say whatever it is they please or they or they want to say without fear of retaliation or judgment.

SPEAKER_02 14:50

Yeah, no, that's beautiful. And for the viewer listening right now, what what's your advice for handling a power struggle? What can somebody do tonight to de-escalate that situation with their kid?

SPEAKER_01 15:02

I think the most important thing is to understand that you're not there to win. If you are able to change the way you approach the power struggle in the terms that you feel like you need to win, you feel like you need to exert control or, you know, shut down the behavior immediately so that it it it it stops and sort of win that immediately. If you're able to change the way you approach that, you have half of the game already won because you are there to guide and to help your kid overcome a situation or or learn something, or you know, just go through everyday life. You're not there to win anything. And I think that's really important.

SPEAKER_02 15:43

Yeah. And do you think that like plays into

The Ego & Overcorrecting

SPEAKER_02 15:45

our ego a bit? Because I know like sometimes when we escalate something with our kid, it's like, oh, I'm gonna like this is a fight, I'm gonna pick, like I win. I do this with my wife too, to be honest with you. I'm like, if I'm raising hell on something, I'm I'm not gonna lay down. Like, I'm definitely gonna win this fight until like the bell rings and she's like, Okay, fine, like you won, which will never happen. Hell will freeze over before that happened, just just by the way. But I feel like it will. Like, like, is that kind of the same thing with our kid?

SPEAKER_01 16:13

It's exactly the same thing. You just hit the nail on the head. It is exactly it's our ego. We feel threatened. We feel that if we do not, you know, nip it in the bud, as we say, or if we don't change the behavior immediately, or if we tolerate it somehow, we are being disrespected, we are not exerting control, we're being, you know, the child is gonna grow up to become a criminal suddenly. We're if, you know, three years like 20 years in advance, a child is now, you know, a criminal living a lawless criminal that has no respect for authority, boundaries, or or civil society whatsoever. So our fear of that kicks in and we wanna win. And we wanna win no matter what, because our ego is telling us if you don't win this, you're they're gonna walk all over you, you're gonna have, you're gonna lose face, you're not going to have control over your family, they are manipulating you, they should know better. So all of those like little voices in your head get the best of you and you wanna win the the argument. And it's the same thing that happens with your significant other. It's the same thing that sometimes happens between our our relationship with our own parents, where we feel like, wait, I'm not gonna take this laying down, I'm gonna win this argument. Or the HOA.

SPEAKER_02 17:30

I do that with my HOA. I'm like, no way, I'm not giving in here.

SPEAKER_00 17:36

Exactly, exactly. You get it. I'm not giving in. This is the hill I'll die on.

SPEAKER_02 17:42

Yep. No matter what there's there's there's many hills as I get older. I'm like, no, I'm digging my heels in. I'm very stubborn, man, and like I'm gonna, I'm gonna, um I don't know. I feel like I was walked over a lot with my teen my teen years, and like I didn't have opportunity as many opportunities as I should have because I didn't stick up for myself, and now it's like I'm so in the opposite direction of like if I ever feel like somebody's like taking advantage of me or my kids or my family, I'm just like I'm like kind of

Biggest A-hole Moment

SPEAKER_02 18:10

like the biggest asshole in the world, and I'm not trying to be, but it's like it's just kind of like trying to have a backbone and almost overcompensating for not having that earlier in my life. If that makes sense, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 18:20

I'm not I'm not that makes total sense. That's your pattern. You see, that's exactly what we're talking about because you felt like you had no way of sticking up for yourself as you were growing up, now you are overcompensating for that. And now you're probably some not probably, but sometimes you're overcorrecting in situations that do not need you to over-correct.

SPEAKER_02 18:44

For sure.

SPEAKER_01 18:44

So you feel like, no, no, no, no, no, this can't happen, or somehow I'm being disrespected, and everybody around you is like, no, Ryan, that's not happening. You're like, yes, I am being disrespected. But it's because the way we grow up, the the beauty of this is that you have the awareness, you know it. You know that because you didn't you didn't feel empowered or you didn't have the tools at the time as you were growing up, you are now doing it. But the beauty of this all is that not only are you aware of it, but you're also teaching your kids to feel empowered and to have a voice of their own and to stand up for themselves because you're modeling the behavior. You just need to make sure that you use it wisely. So it's like, yeah, how do you make sure that you're not over-correcting or overcompensating and you're using it wisely? But that's that's definitely a pattern. That's something that we learn as we're growing up, and now you're sort of realizing on your own.

SPEAKER_02 19:37

Yeah, totally. It's it's one of those things I'm like, I catch myself in a lot, and and I'll just be like, I didn't mean to like kind of overstep and do that, but I mean, hopefully it's just something again, like you said, I'm recognizing I can fix myself and then I can fix for my kids if they kind of ever run into that issue because yeah, it has plagued me for for so long. Uh Laddie, where can people and and by the way, you all need to check out her Instagram. She's got the coolest videos, and she's got a heck of a lot of followers too on her Living in Progress Instagram, but but the Living in Progress website. So tell everyone about your projects, what you have coming up. And you also have a live coming up on the Parents app in in September here, which I'm super excited about. We're gonna take Q ⁇ As with the audience and we'll get some live questions going. Yeah, so I'm so excited for that. Thank you so, so, so much. And hopefully we can have you back more and more and more as you know, we kind of are,

Parent Action Close

SPEAKER_02 20:30

you know, going through this journey on ourselves and and going through these experiences and we're learning more and more about like the parenting world. For sure.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

And like I said, I think it's very important. Uh there's a reason why these bands are showing up, and there's a reason why these companies are now having to own up to the fact that they they knew what kind of danger they were putting children in because it has been proven. So it's like again, like everything in life, there's a benefit to social media.

SPEAKER_02 20:59

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 21:01

To answer your previous question, they can find me at living in progress.com. That's www.livinginprogress.com. I have a free pattern parent quiz there that they can take. It just gives them like the pattern that they're falling more more into with a small micro shift. It's completely free. Uh they can also book a call if they want to chat. It's a it's a free call, free consultation where we can talk about, you know, a little bit of what's going on and and why it's impacting you. Or they can find me on social media, like he just said, at living in underscore progress.