When Your Child Pulls Away

Your child says they want a relationship, but their behavior keeps pushing you out. If you’ve ever been hit with words like “I don’t trust you,” “I don’t feel safe with you,” or “you hurt my mental health,” you know it’s not regular parenting stress, it’s grief that rewires your whole nervous system.

I’m Danny De Jesus, and I’m speaking from a fresh, personal wound: what it feels like when a child starts turning away after years of effort, co-parenting strain, and distance. We talk through the brutal mental inventory many parents do, the late-night searching for answers like parent-child estrangement, parental alienation, emotional cutoff, and how to tell the difference between a temporary adolescent storm and a deeper breakdown in trust and connection.

Most importantly, we get practical about boundaries. Unconditional love does not mean endless concession. An open door does not mean a one-way relationship. I share what I’m choosing not to do: no begging for connection, no bribing with gifts or vacations, and no letting panic dictate my next move. We also name the modern forces shaping kids today, from therapy language to online narratives, and how to take real responsibility without letting your entire identity as a parent get rewritten by the hardest moment.

If this hits close to home, listen all the way through and sit with the questions at the end. Then subscribe, share this with a parent who needs it, and leave a review so more families can find honest support.

Transcript

A Heavy Topic For Parents

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Hey everyone, this episode of the next baseline is going is going to be a heavy one because this episode is geared toward those single parents or even parents in general whose child has started pulling away emotionally, resisting contact, and even saying that they want a relationship while acting in ways that we perceive continue to break down the relationship due to behavior. This episode is really intended to speak to the grief of staying present as a parent, despite the bond of roading, and also to give listeners a grounded way to think about love, boundaries, acceptance, and then also more specifically, their next baseline. And so I want to start really by welcoming everyone, anyone listening, um, to the next baseline. I'm Danny De Jesus, your host for this podcast, which is about life, life resets, and what it takes to reach our next baseline. So whether life disruption comes through divorce, co-parenting stress, leadership pressures, identity shifts, or personal loss, the question is not about how to get your old life back. The real question is, what do you build now? So this episode that I am talking about today is really personal for me and very emotional. Because what I want to specifically talk about is I want to talk about a kind of loss that does not may not get enough attention out there. And I want to bring even more awareness. And I think it is talked about,

When A Child Turns Away

SPEAKER_01 2:05

but I'm uh I'm stepping out to be another voice on this subject matter. And what I want to talk about is what it feels like when your child starts turning away from you. Not in theory, not as some abstract parenting topic. I mean, when you are the single parent, for example, that pays the child support, shows up on time, has made the effort, has stayed involved, and you still ended up hearing from your own child that they do not trust you, they do not feel safe with you, they do not want to talk to you, or they don't want the relationship the way that you thought that they did. And actually, this happened to me very recently. In fact, this happened, this all occurred for me four days prior, my 39th birthday, my 39th birthday here in April. You know, something happened with, you know, my 12-year-old daughter, and it hit me as a father in a way that is hard to fully explain and internalize unless you have lived something like this yourself. And to be honest, it hurt deeply. But I cannot say that this just happened out of nowhere, because the truth of the matter is I have been struggling with my 12-year-old for quite some time. I had seen the indicators over a period of years, specifically since about 2021, when I got back from my overseas tour from Qatar. And there was also there was also a move that happened. So geographical distance also happened there. And between the subtle things, the growing distance, there also came friction, shifts in tone, and the kinds of signs that make you wonder if one day that this was all going to surface more directly. And unfortunately, that day, in fact, did come. So this episode is for the the parent who saw the signs, or maybe you didn't. But regardless, maybe you did not hope that your relationship would have gotten to where it has gotten. And now what it comes to is you you have to deal and you have to confront this reality because this kind of pain, it is very real, it is very raw. And I think there's a unique grief in being in feeling the the pain of rejection by a child that you never stop loving. And especially for those single parents where there was divorce, maybe a custody situation, but uh you know, that grief can be especially confusing because part of you is not just grieving the loss, you're also doing mental inventory. You're saying things to yourself, you know, did you pay enough the the way you were supposed to pay? Did you show up enough when you were supposed to show up? Did you spend enough time? You start questioning what the effort actually starts actually was. And you ask yourself, did you really stay in the fight for the relationship? And what does fighting for the relationship actually mean? You know, and and so for me, I have been told by my child, I am not supportive, I don't listen, I make them feel unsafe, I'm too hard, too strict, I impacted their mental health, I have victimized myself, and that I don't take responsibility for hurting them. And that is a very, very brutal place, I think, for any parent to be. Because when those words come from your child, it's not like hearing criticism from the outside world. So this one actually hits very different. And it feels like your chest

The Brutal Self-Interrogation

SPEAKER_01 6:40

is just being pressed down and you question yourself. You question yourself in a way that makes you go back through years of your life trying to sort out what was real, what was distorted, what was influenced, and what you are supposed to do next. And that is exactly where I think a lot of parents get stuck. You start looking for answers. You start searching the internet for terms like estrangement, alienation, parent-child rejection, emotional cutoff. And you're trying to understand whether this is a normal teenage behavior, whether this is a temporary rupture or rift, whether this is something being influenced from the outside world, or whether the relationship is genuinely breaking down right in front of you. And in the middle of all that search, you find you're gonna find all kinds of content telling you what you're supposed to do. Things like be more patient, be softer, concede more, let the child lead, don't push, don't challenge, do not make it harder for them. And somewhere in all of that, it can also start to sound like the answer is for the parent to just simply accept a one-way relationship directed by their child, regardless of age, in my particular circumstance by a 12-year-old. And here's the thing: I'm not going to do that. And I want to be very clear about what I specifically mean, because I'm not trying to sound unreasonable here, given my own situation that I'm sharing and being very vulnerable about. You know, I'm not talking about cutting off my child. I am not talking about no longer loving my child. I am also not talking about being cold, hateful, or bitter. I am talking about, however, refusing to confuse unconditional love with endless concession. Because those to me are not the same thing. I can still love my child unconditionally. My door can still remain open at any time. If she wants to talk and open the door and walk through, then I can talk. If she wants a relationship, I am here. Even though she says she wants a relationship. That statement from my 12-year-old means something very, very specific that I may not agree with her definition. But to her, that definition is the only thing that matters. So with that, you know, I'm still left with, well, you know, what more, you know, can I can I think about doing? And so as

Love Without Endless Concession

SPEAKER_01 9:50

I thought about this and my actions, my next steps, this is some things that that I thought about. You know, what I'm not going to do, first and foremost, is I'm not going to keep rewarding rejection. I am not going to absorb all the blame. I'm not going to extend gifts, purchases, vacations, and then also special experiences as if relationship can be maintained through overgiving while the bond itself is being pushed away. Because I don't think that's healthy. I don't think that is good for clarity. And that is not the same thing to me as what love entails. And that is one of the hardest things I feel like I've had to come to terms with in the last, in the last couple of days. Because my child says, you know, she wants a relationship. But at the same time, it's also clear to me that the pattern is moving really towards severing the bond, not building it. And that contradiction can really take a toll and feel brutal on a parent. Because when your child says that they want a relationship, part of you wants to keep hoping, keep reaching, keep explaining, keep trying to hold it together. But when the actual pattern keeps showing rejection, accusation, distance, resistance, and emotional shutdown, at some point you have to, I think, stop listening only to the words and start paying attention to the pattern. And this is going to hurt. But through this hurt and identifying those parts and pieces, I think this is where we're going to find what matters. Because an open door does not mean a one-way relationship. And love does not mean I surrender all boundaries just because I'm afraid of losing connection with my child. And that is where I think many parents, let alone single parents, are right now. They are stuck between grief and panic. Grief says this hurts. Panic says fix it now, no matter what it may cost you. And trust me, panic, I can talk extensively, especially after years of custodial litigate uh litigation friction, spending thousands of dollars from a legal perspective. I can I can go down a whole nother episode on that. But that's for another conversation at a later time. But going back to panic, you know, panic is what's I think going to incite parents to beg, overexplain, chase, bribe, collapse, even, and even to keep performing for a relationship that cannot be forced or controlled. And panic also tells you that if you just give a little more,

Leadership Versus Parenting From Panic

SPEAKER_01 13:00

buy a little more, concede a little more, maybe you can hold on to something that is really already eroding. And so I think this is a good opportunity to talk about leadership from a parental perspective. Because panic is not being in the position of leadership. And again, this is hard. And this is hard if you're the parent going through this, and trust me, I know. And but I will say this you know, parenting from panic is usually going to make things worse. So, really, from a leadership perspective, what do you do? And you know, I and I think that's the real question a lot of us are asking for. And so if you're listening, you've probably been waiting for the punchline here. Well, well, well, Dan, what what do I do? And so, and here's, you know, some additional questions. You know, what do you do when your child turns away? What do you do when they seem to believe they do not owe you a relationship? What do you do when you are hearing language that paints you as unsafe, harmful, controlling, or emotionally damaging, and you're left trying to figure out whether you're dealing with a temporary adolescent storm or maybe adult storm, outside influence, real pain, distorted narratives, or some combination of all of it? And I think in my case, it's a combination of all of it. You know, first, you know, I think you have to sit down and you just have to say the truth as it is, call it what it is. This is grief. This is loss, and it's real. This is not just a parenting disagreement. This is not just another rough week. This is the pain of watching a bond that has been strained and broken with your own child while you're still alive, still here, and still willing. And that matters. I want to tell you right now that matters. Because when you cannot even name the grief, you you usually start from reacting from it instead.

SPEAKER_00 15:11

And then, second, second thing to consider here, you cannot stop forcing.

SPEAKER_01 15:20

You cannot, you cannot force what doesn't want to happen or to occur. And that does not mean that you stop loving. It does not mean that you stop caring, and it does not mean that you slammed the door shut. And believe me, I went through these periods where, yeah, I wanted to shut the door. And then after the anger subsided, and you said, No, don't want to do that. But it does mean, and I've had to face this even today, it means you stop chasing what cannot be built by one person alone. You cannot do the work of two people in a relationship that your child may be pushing away. And I don't find that to be giving up. I'm just saying I think that's just very honest. So, third, you know, you have to keep your love intact without making your life revolve around the rejection. Because sometimes acceptance sounds harsh to people. And so I am not talking about emotional abandonment. I am not talking about accepting necessarily reality as it is, instead of more so instead of fighting to maintain an illusion. And realistically, I think sometimes you have to accept that the relationship is not where you want it to be. You have to stop trying to force a version of connection that is not being honored in practice. And

Acceptance Without Emotional Abandonment

SPEAKER_01 16:55

you have to keep living your life with clarity, peace, and self-respect. And that for me is what this next baseline may look like from here. You know, you don't get over your child, you don't pretend that it's not gonna hurt, and you can't act like none of this matters. But refusing to let this one pain consume your entire identity, your entire peace, and your entire life. Because if you are not careful, you can build your whole emotional world around waiting for your child to return, to soften, explain, or come back around. And while I understand that, I don't think that's necessarily sustainable. I do not find that to be the most healthy way to go about living your life. And I don't think that's leading yourself. Regardless of the pain, you still have a life to live. I still have a life to live. I still have another child I need to consider in this entire, in this entire process, and I have been reminded by a lot of people that I have reached out to. We've had conversations, and they've all reminded me how an amazing father I was, and this is not a reflection of me. And it's hard to conceptualize that because you feel like you failed in a lot of ways. But regardless, there's still life that has to be lived. There's still other people to consider as well. And sometimes sometimes what moving on in the situation looks like means protecting the peace, still having peace that you have to protect, finding peace, finding peace with the situation. And I don't say that to say to make light of the situation, but it's necessary for you, for me. There are still responsibilities. You know, I talked about having another child as well. I have a responsibility to continue also living for her. And then also, you still have a baseline to build. I have no idea if we look at it from my C2R2E framework, which stands for collapse, confrontation, realignment, reclamation, elevation. I have no idea what elevation even begins to look like because I'm stuck between collapse one moment and realignment. And those first three phases out of the five-step framework is where I find people to hang out the longest, going from collapse confrontation, and then to realignment. Because I have no idea what life, what reclamation starts to look like for me right now. None. Zero. But I do know that the season, this season in my life will shall pass, whatever that looks like moving forward. So I want to say this, you know, just based

Modern Narratives And Outside Influence

SPEAKER_01 20:25

off, you know, everything that we, you know, we we've talked about. And I, you know, I feel like I have to say something very, very difficult here, you know, in terms of the times that we're living in. Because truth be told, we are in fact living in a time where I think children are being influenced by things they often do not fully understand. I think no fault divorce has, or the way the the family law system has done certain things, I think has contributed to some of this. Although I do think from the family law perspective, I do think we have gotten better in some ways. And I think we're we're moving more towards something that makes more sense than what has in, you know, over the you know, over the past 20 years, definitely at least since I've been through the process. Um, but we're also living in a time where there's now therapy language, there's online narratives out there, emotional reasoning, adult conflict, partial truths, competing stories, validation language without maturity. And these are things that kids have access to now. You know, just through the smartphone, by the way. And again, you know, this does not mean that every claim, just because I said all these things, every claim that a child makes is false because in their minds a lot of the stuff is very real. Um, and sometimes. We're going to have to find a kernel and an ounce of truth in whatever it is that they feel. If we're looking at it from a reconciliation standpoint, when that time comes, if it even comes. You know, so with that, you know, this for a child that's experiencing this, who doesn't fully understand what's happening here, their pain is real to them. We don't have to agree with it. And so one of the first things that we have to stop saying to ourselves is we want fairness because guess what? This process is not going to be fair. So the quicker we can drop that mindset about what is fair, you know, that's going to be a step closer to the direction that we're trying to get to. You know, um here's the thing. Every, you know, not every accusation, I'm going to tell you, reflects a complete understanding of the relationship. But it doesn't mean that you can just lay out your truth to a child, because that may just dig you a bit a bigger hole. So if you're the parent on the receiving end of those accusations, you have to be careful not to let your entire identity get rewritten by the hardest things your child says in a painful season. And you're going to have to self-soothe that. You cannot just vomit that on your child, unfortunately. So I'll encourage you, encourage you to reflect honestly honestly with yourself. Take responsibility where it is truly yours to take. If you're looking for repair, think about what that actually looks like. And sometimes that means it may mean swallowing your pride. Um, but I will also encourage you at the same time, do not automatically hand over the full definition of yourself as a parent to the most reactive version of the relationship. Okay, because I think that's going to be giving too much power and too much giveaway. You know, there's a lot of great content out there that I think covers this topic and some techniques that you can use and leverage. And there's some great professionals out there that would encourage you just, you know, find uh find those reputable sources that can talk through what reconciliation looks like. Um, because there's a process for that. There's studies that have been done on this, and there's been professionals that have worked um a lot of years on what reconciliation and how to do it. So with that, you know, I want to answer the question.

Holding Boundaries With An Open Door

SPEAKER_01 24:55

So where does this leave me? And I think this is where um I think this is where I'm at. You know, my love for my child is unconditional. My door is open. And if she wants a relationship, I I am here. And by the way, I have been in her life since she was an infant. So, you know, going on 12 years, she would have been thirty, she will be 13 this year. Um, it's hard. It's very, very hard. But what I can't do is I cannot beg for connection. I'm not going to bribe my way into relevance because right now, the way she sees things, I'm not relevant or as relevant. I am not going to be extending gifts, purchases, and vacations as if material generosity is going to fix a relationship that is breaking down at the level of trust, respect, and connection. And I'm also not going to build my life around a one-way situation while being told I am the problem. And that's not meant to punish. But I think it's I think there's clarity in that. You know, and I think there are a lot of single parents, or parents even, who I think need the space and the permission to actually hear this. You know, because some of you that are listening, or you know, you may know someone going through something like this. You have may you may have been carrying guilt that doesn't belong to you, that's never belonged to you. And some of what you have been carrying is also confusion for years. Some of you may have been trying to figure out how much of this is actually your fault, how much of it, you know, was upbringing, adolescence, teenage years, how much of it was influence, how much of it was distance, and then how much of it is simply the painful reality that a child can still turn away from a parent who did, in fact, keep showing up. And that's probably the hardest, is when a parent feels they have shown up time and time again, and a child still has made the decision and the deliberate choice to walk away. And if that is you, I want to say this directly. And this is this first time you're you're feeling seen. You know, I want to encourage you. You're allowed to grieve. You are allowed to be honest. You're allowed to hold your boundaries. You are allowed to stop chasing what cannot be forced. You are allowed to keep your heart open without keeping yourself in emotional chaos. And like me, that may be your next baseline. Not the restoration of the relationship right now, not the answer to every question, not the answer to every why, and not the closure. But really, really, um, this is probably a season of clarity. Clarity for you about what is love, clarity about what boundaries are and should be, clarity about what you can control and what you can't, clarity about how you will carry yourself through this chapter, through this difficult season, without collapsing into bitterness, panic, and then despair. Because at the end of the day, I I cannot control whether, for example, my child chooses connection right now or ever. I can't control whether I remain, you know, I can't control whether I remain, you know, a priority for her. But there are things I can control. I can remain a father with integrity, I can stay open in a healthy way, I can protect my own peace, and I can also control whether I build my next baseline with honesty and self-respect. And sometimes that's where the real work lies. Sometimes the work is not getting the relationship back on your timeline. Sometimes the work is really staying grounded and steady while

Questions To Sit With

SPEAKER_01 29:40

grieving what is not currently there for you right now. So if this episode is hitting close to home for you, I want to leave you just with a few questions to think about.

SPEAKER_00 29:55

What exactly are you grieving right now?

SPEAKER_01 30:00

And it's okay to take a moment to think about that. Don't answer right away. Just be honest with you. And then also, have you been parenting from a position of clarity or have you been reacting from a position of panic?

SPEAKER_00 30:22

Question Question three. Where have you confused unconditional love with endless concession?

SPEAKER_01 30:35

And what would it look like to keep your heart open while at the same time protecting your peace? So I would encourage you to sit with those questions. You can pause this podcast at this moment if you need to, and just take some time to think and process.

SPEAKER_00 31:00

And if you're if you are living through it, you do not need shallow advice. But you need perspective and you need honesty.

SPEAKER_01 31:14

And also a way to keep moving forward without pretending this does not hurt.

Support Resources And Closing

SPEAKER_01 31:20

So if you are seeking for more support around life transitions, co-parenting strain, and building your next baseline through disruption, I'm going to encourage you to visit elevatiscoach.com. And then also I want to extend to you an invitation to the RISE community. The links to all of this is going to be in the description. And RISE, what it is specifically, it stands for resilience, insight, strategy, and elevation. And it's an extension of Elabotis, of the work that I do in Elabotis. And that is where the work of Elabotis is applied through through community. So I'm going to encourage you, check it out. You can join me there, you can connect with me at a deeper level in the Rise community. So with that said, for those that are struggling today, I just want to say I hear you, I see you. And if you're interested in sharing your story with me, I would love to hear from you. And there's links for that in the description as well. So with that, I'm I'm Danny De Jesus, your host of this episode of the Next Baseline.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

Until next time.