Duke Morton interview 1 by Gwen Sarandrea

Gwen Sarandrea interviews Duke Morton on caring for both parents at the end of life. He tells his story. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi, welcome to Aging Loved Woman's The Healing House. I have with me Duke Morton. He's going to tell us all about his story of taking care of his parents. Hi, Duke. Hello.

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Okay, I'm great. I'm great. This is very exciting. Your first podcast here. That's very cool. Uh yeah, and it's such a great idea. Um, everyone I talk to that is in our age group is dealing with the same thing, with dealing with aging parents, and um they either don't want to think about it or they are thinking about it or are going through it. And it's just uh seems to be universal. And I didn't realize, of course, when my me and my sisters, you know, knew our parents were aging and eventually we would have to deal with taking care of them when they were older. But we did had no idea what that was going to look like or uh what we were going to do. And of course, it's something you don't want to think about, so we just wouldn't think about it. It's like, oh yeah, someday, okay. And then it suddenly is on you, and there you go. Circumstances happen and you just deal with it as it comes. My parents happen to be ailing slowly, so it's something we knew we would have to get into with the trained nurse and uh have medical help. My mom Parkinson's that was uh for a long time uh kept under control with medication, but it was always understood that the medication only lasts, I guess what is it, 20 years or something, a couple of decades. And then then eventually it stops having effect and you start going downhill. My dad was doing, had a series of minor strokes when he was in his 50s, uh 50s and 60s, um, but nothing serious. So we we didn't realize uh that he would be going into dementia in his final couple of years, but we did know about my mom. So we knew that we would need some medical care, and we knew that they at some point would not be able to be on their own all the time. And of course, they want independence. I mean, we all do. Uh yeah. So so we just didn't know when the time was going to happen or where each of I have two sisters. Um I'm the eldest. And we, of course, had no idea where we'd be in our own lives when this happened. And as it turned out, my my parents downsized from their large house that we had spent most of our lives in. My my baby sister had grown up in the house. It was time to get rid of that. So we sold that house and they moved into a uh senior mobile home park, which is actually very, very nice. And when we find out now it's very desirable to be, it's one of the desirable parks, which is really nice. And they could still be on their own, but it was in a uh a size, it was a three-bedroom, three-bedroom, two-bath, which was a square footage that they could feel comfortable in. It was large enough to feel comfortable, but small enough that they could take care of it themselves. And they were there on their own for a number of years. One of our sisters lived uh a couple of miles away just up the freeway. So there was somebody nearby for them. In addition to which, uh, at that point, both of their grandkids were in the area too. So it worked out very well. Their health was going down, they were both in walkers, but they were still getting around and could uh could could do things for themselves. They didn't need full-time care. But then as my mom's Parkinson's progressed and my dad started getting dementia, um, you know, their days of living purely on their own were numbered, and we didn't really know what we were going to do. There was not enough money to have live and caregiving is very expensive. Uh they they and they needed somebody that was going to be there all the time, not just somebody to stop in. And at that point, luckily, uh that I was in between jobs. Uh I was in film production, and our our production company had shut down, and I was burned out and taking time off anyway. And I just seemed the natural person to go and stay with them and be their caregiver. So the timing just happened to work out perfectly, and they certainly had space for me. And uh that's uh that's how that worked out. Uh, but it wasn't something that we could plan. It it just uh just happened that way. And I had visited actually earlier in that year and had left, and it was a few months later that they ended up really not being able to take care of themselves. And my sister said, What are we gonna do? I said, Hey, I had just been up there visiting them, and uh and I said, Okay, I will do, I'll move in. And that was not something that I dreaded. I actually had wanted that a few years earlier because because I have been working with Gwen for many decades here, and we had been been good friends, and I do uh graphic design work as well, and I had redesigned the uh cover of one of her books, The Healing House. And there we go, and there it is. Do we want to put a set of stomp on this since there's somebody at your door? Oh, okay, then we won't. At any rate, um I had uh read that book, and it's a wonderful book, and it's available on Amazon. Uh it put it in my head, like, you know, I would love to have that experience with my parents before they go. Because as you get older, of course, you're adult children and you move away and you have your lives, and um, there are always unresolved issues and things left unsaid. And uh I'd been through with a number of my friends, you know, whose parents had died and they had never reconciled, they had never put the time in, and they always had regrets. And so for the rest of their time, they they regretted, oh, if only I had done and if only I'd spent more time. Yada yada. And I I had read, worked on Gwen's book, redesigning it and uh doing the new edition, and thought, wow, you know, I really want to have that time with my parents. I want to have that experience that she described so beautifully in the book. And so that was a few years earlier. And so when this came up, I was like, this is this is my time now to to spend the quality time with my parents towards the end of their lives. And who knows how much, you know, when I moved in, I had no idea how much time they had left. But I really did it with purpose. It was not some drudgery. I I knew what I was getting into and I knew the kind of care they they needed. And um I had help with, you know, my sisters were were around close by, and they were with a good health plan at Kaiser, and so I could interface with with the Kaiser nurses, but I would be there full time and and get a chance to reconnect with them. And of course, being, you know, you're an adult, but you're also a child, and you everything comes back up that you I had forgotten about so much of the dynamic. All right, so here we are, where I was was moving in with my parents, and I had had uh read Gwen's wonderful book, The Healing House, which led to this podcast, of course. Uh I uh had wanted that experience. So when I was called on to when I decided to move in with my parents, I did it with purpose rather than as so often happens, like, oh well, I'm the one, you know, especially if you have siblings. There's one sibling that it all falls on to do everything. But uh I was uh happily with my sisters, you know, we were all united. We we wanted to take care of our parents, so I didn't feel like I was doing it alone. And I wanted to spend that time with them. And I had no prior commitments, which is uh fortunate. So I moved in, and I, you know, as I was saying before, you know, it brings up uh all the things when you grow up, you would forget about so many things I'd forgotten about, just the the dynamic with my parents and uh you fall into old patterns, uh old worn-out patterns, and they react to you initially as if you are decades younger. And uh, you know, there's there's all of that readjustment that goes on with everybody, uh everybody and their parents when you're adult children and you move back in with them. I have uh a friend right now that that has downsized and moved back in with his parents and uh is going through the same thing, and I was like, oh yes, yeah, it's it takes some adjustment. But ultimately it's really wonderful, especially if you do it with purpose. My purpose was to really heal old wounds and not leave things unsaid. And it was definitely rough, but uh really rewarding. And as it turned out, my dad only had like nine more months to live, and we didn't know that when I moved in. And those nine months were really wonderful. We we reconnected, we sort of came to grips with uh our differences, and he uh had advancing dementia at that point, but luckily it was not bad. He was actually uh very upbeat, and he had some holes in his memory as as far as things that happened in his life, but he could remember everything, uh you know, faces and personalities, and uh and you could have discussions with him. Uh and uh it was all very positive. And uh really uh he had previously been a very troubled and and a very negative person. And once he had the dementia, and as the time went on, he really became more positive and saw the bright side of everything, and it was really, really wonderful. We just ended up with a really great relationship at the end and uh ended on an up upbeat note, which is more than you can ask for, because you certainly can't plan that. And uh yeah, that was j that was just really very rewarding. So I certainly got what I wanted with my father and with my mother as well. She uh was going downhill, but she lasted uh gosh, how many more years was that? Uh that was uh seven seven more years I was doing this. I went into it with the mindset that it's open-ended, that I would simply be there as long as it took. And it ended up taking seven years with my mom. Uh so that was a big chunk of my my phase there. But it was great. It it was what was needed to be done, and certainly in my life and in her life, and my sisters as well. My my youngest sister ended up moving in with us, luckily, for my own sanity. Having someone else there is is uh paramount. Uh she moved in with my dad gone, uh, so we had space for her. And um and also it's it it helps because you you know, when you're elderly man, you know, it just works better if you have men around taking care of you. I certainly was doing all the work with my mom. I was there alone with her doing it all myself for a number of months before my sister moved in, but it just took a load off having another woman there um to to interact with. So there's also that dynamic. I certainly could have done it myself, but but just I had the physical labor I could do emotionally, I was drained at that point because I had been taking care of both my father and my mother at the same time, basically alone. And boy, I was at the end of my rope emotionally. So it was uh fortunate that my uh little sister could move in with us at that point. And uh then we kept going for, I guess once she moved in, we had another five years. And that was uh, you know, wonderful grueling as my mom's health went downhill and she became bedridden. But it was also rewarding not only with my mom, but also uh me and my little sister got to bond again and uh spend time together, live together. We had always interestingly, through the decades we'd when we each of us was in between apartments, we always contemplated, oh, we should get an apartment together. We should and we would look at places and it just wouldn't work out and our lives would go in different directions. So that was also sort of a bonus was we got to actually share a living space together after all these decades. And also uh take care of my mom, which was it was a load. That was that was really grueling, and we were both, by the end, we were both ground into a fine powder, as I like to say. But but again, it was a really rewarding experience. And we had wonderful day they were with Kaiser, and we had uh we brought in hospice towards the end. Uh people, honestly, and we had sort of thought as well, as a hospice is something you do right before you're dying. And instead it's not, you you bring them in earlier and they can help take the load off uh just with medical care visits and and just emotionally and physical therapy and all sorts of things. Uh, and we were sort of sorry that we had not done that with my dad sooner. But we we got hospice in to help uh both me and my sister out for the last uh couple of years. So it's about two years that they were there. And then of course they were there at the end as well, which is just they're just amazing, an amazing organization. So yes, it was quite a journey and uh very rewarding and the hardest work you will ever do. It's it's uh I have worked in film production and uh both of my sister works works for a large tech company, and both of us are, you know, it there's grueling, grueling hours and and emotionally taxing. But this is by far the hardest work you will ever do, not just physically, but just emotionally, because it's your parents, and so there's the whole emotional aspect of it as well. And you don't know that until you go through it. You can describe it to people, but but it's like wow, unless the people that have been through it know, and uh those that don't are in awe, but but like wow, you'll just never know until you do it yourself. But it was great. I mean, both both me and my sisters are are happy that we have that experience with them. And uh and it was great to let go emotionally for me. Uh I was there purposely doing the work emotionally while all of this was going on. My sisters have some residual stuff that they did not choose to really dive into, but but I was there, boy, the it in the guts, in the trenches. I want to get it all out and have nothing left unsaid and come to terms with things from from the past. And I feel really good, you know, after after recovering from the grueling uh physical work and emotional work. It feels it's very freeing now that that to know that you've put in the time. I put in the time, we had a great outcome, they are gone, and uh now I'm moving on with my life, and I feel very free because of that. Uh there's there's really none of that left over, nothing left unsaid or unfinished. Uh, and we certainly all put in the time, and so we don't feel like, oh, if only I had dot dot dot. It's like we we did everything. And that's really rewarding, and it's uh chronicled so beautifully in Gwen's book, and that inspired me to take my own journey, and um, I hope it inspires all of you as well. Whatever stage you are in your life, or if you have this coming up, um, it is there's there's wonderful help out there too. It's not just all, you know, what do I do? There are people that know what to do, but but there always has to be a point person there with the parents all the time. And uh, and a lot of people also are are lucky where their parents are in good health and they they age naturally and pass away. It certainly is doesn't have to be as grueling with uh with uh disease, you know, advancing diseases. Anyway, that's uh there you go, that's the story.

SPEAKER_01 14:05

Good, wonderful, thank you. Yes, I didn't want to interrupt you, I wanted to just let it flow.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

Let it flow. You said to let it flow. There you go. It's all flowed out there.

SPEAKER_01 14:14

So it sounds like you did a lot of emotional healing, emotional mental healing on your relationship with your parents. Can you just talk a little bit about how you did that? Uh what what significant emotional things came up for you that you were able to clear? How did that anything around that?

SPEAKER_00 14:33

Yeah, okay. So, you know, different, of course, different with each parent. I'll start with my father first, because you know, fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, fathers and sons. Those those are the more difficult of the relate the two relationships. So, you know, the typical things of the father, you know, my father wanting my life to go in one way and me, me wanting it to go in a different direction. I mean, this happens with so many people, it's such a universal theme. And I did my best early on. I was very motivated towards the arts. Both of my parents were were both very artistic um in dance and music. We grew up in a house full of theater and film and music, and always, I mean, from the time we were very little. And uh, and both my my parents were both ballroom dancers and worked with uh for Arthur Murray. So we grew up in a house with the arts, and and both me and my uh I have one sister that's two and a half years younger, and then I have another sister that is 11 years younger. So the sister I I grew up with uh in my early years, I just had the one sister, and we both uh we both were involved in the arts, and uh, you know, I always tell people my mom was so driven to have us uh determined that we were going to have a career. It was a happy accident that we both ended up enjoying being in the arts and we both actually had talent for it, because it could have been much, much worse. So we ended up uh being very driven and growing up in it. And my father had sadly just uh, you know, both of my parents would just suffered lots of abuse as kids, and we didn't realize that until we got to be adults and did some digging because they would never talk about it. They were of the generation where you didn't talk about those things, and there's that whole background, uh, which affected their outlook on life. And my father, you know, interestingly, you know, was supportive when we were young in the arts, and then we both wanted to go into it professionally, which neither of them seemed to be interested in. It was sort of perplexing that why why would you want to go do this? Like, well, you know, we we knew this from birth and you trained us for it, and now suddenly there's no support for this professionally. So there was always some uh my father at that point had built up a very successful business, retail business, and just assumed that, you know, as as most parents, I you find this a lot in the restaurant business too, where the parents just assume the kids are gonna grow up in the business and they're gonna take it over. So I did I did my best to connect with him on that level, although it just really was not not at all an interest for me. And I was still t trying to pursue going to school and and pursuing the arts and trying to fit into the family business, which uh, you know, uh you're never gonna achieve that, uh all of it. Uh but I did my best for for many decades. And my father, you know, I didn't find out until he had dementia, and I came back, that he actually was a very, a very talented musician and was never given the chance to pursue that, and was forced again into the family business, which his family business was was dry cleaning. And his father had a very successful dry cleaning business and expected that my dad was going to go into that, and so he was a very talented trumpet player and had wanted to pursue that, but then gave up those dreams and knuckled under. And so he the expectation I find now, you know, and this was the last nine months of his life, reconnecting with him, I found out he actually was a very, very talented musician and was forced to give that up. And so he just assumed that I would, you know, that's just what happens, is that you give up your sadly, you give up your dreams and you you knuckle under and and and fight it out and then then die. Do it until you die. Um very, very depressing, very negative worldview, which I find he came came from his parents and he was abused as a child, and and all of that came out. And and of course I I never found any of that out until the last nine months of his life. I was like, wow, the dementia actually sort of took away those layers that he had labored under for decades, poor man, and released this really create super creative guy that was he always had a great sense of humor, which occasionally would come out and it would come out of left field and go, Oh, that's funny, what's that? He's usually angry and militant, and then this humor would come out. And then I found out once he got dementia and released all the anger. So really, he has a wonderful sense of humor, super talented trumpet player, very artistic. Oh, it answers so many questions that that me and my sisters grew up with the arts. That's why we grew up with it, because part of him, you know, was not able, he wouldn't let himself pursue it and was never con, you know, uh never allowed to pursue that. So so some fragment of it came down to us, uh, and it was all very mutated and very frustrating. And I, you know, each of us eventually went our own ways and and uh left uh, you know, did not go into the family business, and uh I went into my sister and I became uh did ballroom dancing when we were younger and uh performed for a number of years, and then after that I went into uh the film film production, uh moved away and went into film production in Los Angeles uh for for a number of decades. Uh and so so all of it, you know, you you move away as an adult and and things are left unresolved and misunderstood. You know, my father, once he retired, tried tried to re-establish connections with me. And and luckily with the uh the the work I had done with a wonderful therapist, Gwen, here, who who knows me inside and out, many decades. Luckily I had done I had done the sort of work on that. So when he was willing to open up and and try to reconnect with me, I was willing to do that as well on my end. And and that's another thing that I see happen with a lot of adult children, where they don't, uh when the parents do want they get older and they want to reach out, the children slap them down because they they have not they haven't done their side of the work to let go of all that old animosity, uh, which I always find is so bad, so, so sad because it's missed opportunities and then the parents die, and then the kids are left. The kids are going, if only I had dot dot dot. So luckily I'd done my homework beforehand. So when my dad got older and he was reaching out to me, I was willing to, you know, I was in a space where I could could open up to him and appreciate that. And uh that that was a couple of decades before I he had retired, a couple of decades before he became had dementia and I moved in with him. So that's the backstory to when I came to to live with them and take care of them. We had already opened up to each other, but there was a lot, uh, a lot of stuff still left unsaid and undone. And because of his dementia, uh, he had released a lot of the negative aspects of his uh personality and was very positive and was so overjoyed every day that I was there with him, and he told me that. I still tear up around that every single morning that he woke up. He would tell me, It is so wonderful to have you here and give me a big hug. I'm like, wow. If only I could we all could have had that growing up. What a different life we all would have had. But you know, poor poor guy, he he was so he was so neglected and abused as a kid, he just could not just could not get through life any other way. He didn't know any other way to live. And uh anyway, so it was the last nine months were consequently really, really uplifting and really joyful and such a great way to to leave things. So it doesn't it doesn't make up for for everything that that was done to us early, uh, but it certainly does leave it on a positive note. And an understanding of him and what could have been with his life. And it just is very sad. I feel very sad. Because here was this really uh positive, funny, creative guy that was just beaten down by his upbringing and just, you know, worked through his life as well as he could. Um, that's the other thing too that I think comes through, and we always talk about that, me and my sisters, is that underneath all of the crap really were they really did not know how to have a happy life because they their parents didn't know how to. Um, but they wanted us to be happy. Um I am uh so happy in my life right now. And it's sort of sad knowing what they wanted for us not to be a part of that. My life is going has has really turned the corner and is going so well now, and they didn't get to see that, and that's it. That is painful. We left everything on such a positive note when they died, but they weren't really able to see the the further transformations, uh at least in my life. So that's that's something that you can't, you know, there's it's just what it is. But certainly I had done enough work on my own when they were alive before I moved in with them, that when I moved in, I was at a space where I could open up to them and and see see where they could meet, if they could meet me at the same level in their lives. And my dad certainly could. And uh my mom did her best. Uh it was not, it was rougher with her, but we left it on a good note as well. So there you go. So that's more of the backstory. I don't know, do with it what you will. But uh but you certainly can't go wrong with with dealing with your own side of all of the hurt and pain of pains growing up. Even if your parents never meet you at the same level, uh you can't go wrong doing that work for yourself, just for your own life. And then if you have this this then if you choose to do this with your parents towards the end of their lives, it puts you in a better space where if they decide to open up, you're able to receive that and build something new.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

Yes, and it's wonderful that you got a sense of compassion for your father.

SPEAKER_00 24:10

Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 24:11

That you didn't have as a child, because as an adult, it's like being able to really get the whole story and meet him where he lives in his heart when he's passing away, be when all the personality stuff is not important anymore. Exactly. It's like that makes such a bond for the two of you. And your sense of yourself as a man, and like you said, fathers and sons, it's like often a son kind of takes the pride from his father, but it's like it just sounds like so valuable for you to have done that.

SPEAKER_00 24:42

Oh my I cannot tell you how valuable it was. Uh because there was such uh growing up with such animosity and s and such just just not understanding. He he didn't understand what I was doing with my life at all. And he tried to, even after he retired, he tried to understand, but he he just didn't get it. And uh when he was those last few months, uh he really did get what I was doing. I'm a graphic designer as well, and I I was getting my business started then after I had left the film business, and he really was such a uh so motivated and so involved in my life and really encouraging and uh it's uh really changed changed my whole outlook on it, put everything in perspective that we had all gone through, all of us went through with my father uh growing up. It put everything in perspective and I could really see and and also you know, we all learned more about uh both of my parents' pasts and their their super dysfunctional families, and and uh seeing where how that played out in each of my parents' lives and the choices they made. Which is, you know, it's all very sad, but very uplifting in the end because we got to reconnect and and have a new understanding of each other.

SPEAKER_01 25:51

Yes, and you got to heal these old patterns.

SPEAKER_00 25:55

Oh yes, lots of healing.

SPEAKER_01 25:57

And when I lived with my father for four years, I found out things that I had no idea about.

SPEAKER_00 26:04

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 26:04

It just makes such a ri for a rich relationship with your parents.

SPEAKER_00 26:08

Uh much richer that than you would be able to when you're younger because they're busy raising you as well, and now you're both adults and you just both have your lives.

SPEAKER_01 26:16

Yes. So the emotional healing is so important here.

SPEAKER_00 26:19

So important, yes.

SPEAKER_01 26:21

I worked with people for 45 years, and yes, so many people are bringing up issues from their childhood, issues with their parents. Yes. Uh and you were able to work that through. It's like this was worth 20 years of therapy.

SPEAKER_00 26:36

Definitely, definitely, because I'm working it through with them right there. And I wasn't just visiting occasionally, I was there with that thing. And that's the other thing too that I really should emphasize is being there with them 24 hours a day and physically taking care of them. Just the physical act of taking care of them brings up things and and allows more healing to go on. And uh, and learning about them. Yes, and and learning about their personalities as adults and and learning more about their past and what led to different choices and how they feel about that and uh the regrets they have, because they they had lots of regrets at the end of their lives. And uh having seen that with a number of my teachers at the end of their lives, and listening, actually, listening, you know, old people tell young people all the time, listen to what I'm telling you. You know, you will regret this if you don't do this. Most you know, you're young. Oh, that's never gonna happen to me. I actually listened to what people were saying, and I was like, for many decades before any of this was possible, like, wow, I don't want to get to the end of my life and have all of these regrets and be if only I had done dot dot dot. Not only just with my parents, but just in general. So it's it's uh listening to to my parents' stories and and understanding them and getting to this place now. I'm, you know, I'm definitely in the the final third of my life now. And I've done all of this work and I have all this understanding with of my parents and their past and how their lives played out and how what the regrets they had, and I don't have those regrets, and that is a huge load. That is a huge load off. And uh there aren't many of us that have that can say that, let me tell you.

SPEAKER_01 28:14

Were there specific things that you did to help you relieve the stress, did uh exercise, yoga, meditation? What things did you go to to nurture yourself as a caretaker?

SPEAKER_00 28:26

Yes, definitely uh I had a very strong meditation practice through through the work I'd done with Gwen for many decades, and she, and even after after I was not seeing her professionally, just uh pointing me in the direction of different teachers and different healers, different meditation practices. So I had a very strong meditation practice which has carried me through many, many phases of my life. I cannot stress how much that is so important. So I was meditating, I mean, I knew also, and this is something else that I knew when I went in, I'm like, oh, this is the time I can really focus on my healing and my meditation, because it will take everything that I have in order to deal with their personalities as an adult and get through all of it, because it has to be done no matter how I feel or how exhausted I am. I'm the guy. So so the meditation definitely multiple times a day to relieve the stress and re-center myself and not absorb whatever they're throwing at me because they're they're uh aside from everything else, they're also in physical pain and they aren't able to be mobile, and there's all those frustrations, and so there it's just gonna come out on anybody that was there. So I knew going in that that was gonna be really I was really gonna have to rely on that, which I did. And then also uh going to the gym regularly, and my dad was into keeping himself fit as well, as much as he could. Uh so we had exercise equipment in the house as well, which I used. So both of those things to stay grounded in my body and stay relieve the stress and get rid of people's energy that was being thrown at me right and left. And uh yeah, just stay the course. Uh that's that's really how I did it. Did you have time off?

SPEAKER_01 30:04

Like did your sisters give you a night off?

SPEAKER_00 30:06

They yeah, and that's a good thing. They did I would get like one occasionally I get a full day off. I would get an afternoon off maybe two times a week. They did as much as they could, certainly. They felt really bad and wanted to come, but they just couldn't. They both worked full-time and they s just it was not able to to do as much as they would like to have. But I did did get time off, and I would on my time off, I would get out of the area. On my days off, I would take public transit into San Francisco and just be in a different environment just to refresh my whole being, be out in nature, go go doing walks around the luckily the the area they lived in, their their uh mobile home complex was in a really beautiful area, so there were lots of paths to uh go and jog on uh and be around nature. So yes, there it was definitely very important self-care, well, what they call now self-care is really, really important, and I cannot stress it enough, especially uh going into that high stress round the clock, you have to be able to let go.

SPEAKER_01 31:11

And what are some of the changes in you that you've noticed since this happened?

SPEAKER_00 31:16

Since uh tremendous changes just in my life, being able to excuse me, being able to let go of uh expectations and disappointments, feeling that you know, disappointments that you that you're that somehow in the back of your mind your parents are disappointed with you. For decades, no matter what you do, well they would whether me do this, and now I'm doing this instead, and and no matter how positive, excuse me, the experiences are in your life, there's there's always that nagging in the back. And it's so refreshing to expose that, come to grips with them alive and and work through it with them and release it. And I don't carry any of that with me anymore. It's very, very refreshing. And I did not realize, I think most people don't realize how much of that is still hanging around, even though you're an adult. Just just the thought it even and sometimes it's like your parents aren't even really disappointed in you, but you think that from them. And and just being able to be around them and come and have a dialogue about that with them, uh, just relieves so much. I mean, it's just changed my life. Truly life-changing.

SPEAKER_01 32:18

Yes, and you even changed your name.

SPEAKER_00 32:20

Yes, I did change my I did change my name, and that became um, and and that's not just my parents, that that is both families. Um uh just just lots and lots of baggage of abuse and dysfunction and substance abuse and just a lot of baggage that I decided professionally. I changed my name uh a while ago in my design business, before they were dead. And then as as the years went by that I was taking care of them, I decided, you know, once they're gone, I am transformed, and I just am going to use a new name and not carry that the weight that the old family name carries with it. I didn't want that. But I did actually take a variation of the name I the name I was given. It was I was named for my great-grandfather, who my father admired greatly. And so I took, I was like, well, you know, I won't stray completely off the message, but I'll just take do a variation of my our shared name. So that's Duke Morton comes from that. My great-grandfather was Marmaduke, and uh happily my parents did not saddle me with Marmaduke growing up. Uh but they wanted an M name. My father wanted the same initials, MMB. So so Marmaduke, I was like, well, you know, I'm not even now I'm not gonna be Marmaduke. So what, you know, a nickname of his was Duke, you know, Marmaduke Duke. So I okay, I'll I'll be Duke. And our shared middle name of Morton, so Duke Morton. So that's uh so that's what I go by now, and I'm I'm changing it legally. But I'd gone by it professionally in my design business for a few years, so it wasn't wasn't but yes, uh everybody knows me now as Duke Morton, except for for old friends like like uh Gwen and my family still calls me uh by my old name, uh, which of course they're allowed to. Uh but yeah, really it came to really symbolize the changes I'd been through and all of the things that I'd let go, all of the family uh issues that I'd let go of. I was like, yeah, I need a refresh. I am refreshed inside. I need a uh refresh.

SPEAKER_01 34:18

Yes, you even had to change your facial recognition, you told me, using your phone.

SPEAKER_00 34:23

I yes, now that is very I'm happy, I forgot about that. Yeah. Of course, the physical changes you go through when you're a caregiving and the stress. The stress eating, of course, everyone knows about. I grew up dancing, so I'm always very and I surf and so I'm very aware of my body and my physical condition. It was just so grueling living there. I gave myself a pass. I did start gaining slowly, very slowly, gained uh stress weight. And uh by the by after seven years, I had put on a number of pounds. And after my mom was gone, I turned 60 and my uh doctor did blood work and said, Well, you know, I knew I was overweight and I needed to drop all of it. But he said, Yes, you are also pre-diabetic. I was like, oh no, this is not the path I'm going down. I'm starting my 60s, this isn't the way it's going to be. And he said, you see, he said, if I I got back in the exercise, corrected my diet, and dropped the weight, I could probably do it all without drugs. So I was like, no, I don't want to be on diabetes drugs. That's just that's not the path. So yes, so I dropped a dramatic amount of weight. I dropped almost 50 pounds, and it changed the shape of it to the point that my iPhone did not recog it would not unlock because it did not, it seriously did not recognize me. People say, oh, it can't have been that drastic. I'm like, no, the iPhone said it was I was not the same person. So so I had to take it in and they had to completely reset it and then re-re-calibrate it for for my face that changed so much. So yes, there you go. Talk about talk about changes. That that's sort of, you know, when you're doing the meditation work, you you first you you change the it the energy first, and the very last thing to change is your your physical form. And and I'd gotten to the point where I dropped, I changed my physical form so much I was not recognizable. So so yes, there you go, and there you go. And that was sort of, I guess that was sort of the tail end of this entire saga was was me changing my name and then changing physically so much I I I had to to recalibrate all of my devices.

SPEAKER_01 36:16

And a new sense of freedom in your life.

SPEAKER_00 36:18

Yes, completely new set of uh sense of freedom that I had have never ever had before. And that was releasing all of that old everything around my upbringing and my parents and uh everything that you you carry with you, and you think, you know, you do a lot of work, even conscientiously, do a lot of work. There's still layers that are there, and that wouldn't I would not have been able to release those had I not done it with them alive day in, day out, and consciously done it. This was very conscious on my part. I didn't just sort of wander into it and do do what I needed to do. I was very consciously trying to heal all of this. And yes, I am much, much lighter, and even physically much, much lighter and much healthier. My doctor's much happier with me.

SPEAKER_01 37:00

So, yes, that's uh yeah, that's yes, it it is so incredibly valuable to spend this last time with your loved ones. Yes. Things you find out things you never knew, you go into emotional depths that you never have usually never have gone into before. Exactly. It's not always true. Some people go into but for me I found it just was an incredible emotional healing living with my father. I got to know him, I got to know his stories. You know, I asked him how he met my mother, you know, wonderful stories too, not just the abuse ones.

SPEAKER_00 37:37

Oh, right. Of course. It doesn't, it's not, yeah, I didn't want to make it seem all negative, it actually very positive. Just all aspects. It made them multifaceted as opposed to just the front that they had put up when we were growing up.

SPEAKER_01 37:48

Yes, yeah. Yeah, and everybody has this most parents don't talk to their children about the difficult times in their lives until you get to be an adult. And even then they don't open up to you unless you spend more time with them or you're probing. It's like to me, this is a definite advantage because when you know your family history, it changes you.

SPEAKER_00 38:09

It does, it does.

SPEAKER_01 38:10

Uh, because your mind makes wrong conclusions when you don't have the correct information. So it makes such a difference to know what your parents were dealing with, what how they came through their lives, what you can see that they passed those down to you.

SPEAKER_00 38:26

Yes, exactly, exactly. And and of course, there's negative stuff, but there's a lot of positive things too. And and especially with my father, I mean, there were just very interesting habits and that I have, and I had no idea where they came from, and they came from him. Really stupid things like collecting, like we all like collecting. Where my mom was a hoarder, which is like the extreme version of it. So we grew up, there was a whole emotional thing about that. But the collecting, my dad also had that as well. So at the end of his life, little figurines, and he he loved his figurines and collect. It's like, oh, that's where I get it from. That's where we all get it from, because we all collect. It's like, where? Why do I have these things? Why am I storing this? And and it's like, oh my god, if of course we're exactly like our father, which we had never known. I would never know that. I would I would never know that. Uh and and the sense of humor. He had a very we're were Irish background and and definitely the Irish sense of humor, which he would not let through only glimpses of it when we were very young. But uh all of that came out at the end of his life. And then also the talent. I mean, he was a very talented trumpet trumpeter and was basically self-taught because his parents would not even pay attention to him or even that was just nothing. He they didn't actually care what happened to him. It's very sad. Which also also there's an understanding there of of who he was and and what came to be and and how he he lived his life, which is very sad. But underneath that was was this tremendous talent. It's like, oh my gosh, we all got that. We all got talent, musical and artistic and in all the different forms of the art. And that comes from him as well. And we I would not have known all of this if I had not spent the time the those last nine months had lived with him and seen just seen him interact and interacted with him on a daily basis. Because yes, as you said, if you visit occasionally and then you try to get them to talk, there there's gonna be this sort of wall. It's like, well, I you know, I'm not in they're not in the mood to talk, or it's something that but if if it just is day in, day out, and it just comes out, you start learning all of this stuff that they would not tell you otherwise. Or they'll suddenly have a memory and just tell you, and that's just invaluable. That is invaluable.

SPEAKER_01 40:41

People are so concerned over their careers and being successful and money. Yes. But what is really important is your emotional health. And your emotional health a lot of times comes from your upbringing, and so it is so valuable for you to really understand your parents, where they came from, what their story was, what they're passing down to you. I just can't I can't emphasize it enough. After 45 years of counseling people, yes, it's like if you have a chance to have emotional healing with your loved ones, do it because you will regret it for the rest of your life. You don't it'll affect you negatively.

SPEAKER_00 41:25

It affects you the rest of your life. And I had so many friends that have that have parents die when they were younger, or or get some have lose their moms to to cancer younger and always live the rest of their lives, living with regret, if only I had, you know. And also not getting the stories. You don't get the stories of it just gives a whole different dimension to your parents' lives. And it also explains a lot of where they were coming from when they made these choices that you see later as wow, that was just a really choice. Why did you do that to yourself? It's it's you see then through them telling you about their their uh experiences, like oh, of course they would they would it they interpreted it as this, you know, my my my dad was abused and neglected. So of course his world view was that and he he tried to instill that in us. And happily, happily, in in seeing how miserable they were in in high school, I I ended up uh with Gwen in therapy. I was like, I need somebody else, this is not right, you know, and just logically, I remember thinking through in high school, it's like, well, if the world was really that horrible, the suicide rate would be so much higher. This cannot be correct. I do not see people living this way, and yet my father is very stern. This is it, you just survive life, and then then death is like this wonderful release. You you s you get to die. Wow, that can't be. This is just not. So anyway, I I and that's when I started working with you in high school, actually, through through a happy series of events, and have worked with you for for decades now. But it's yeah, I cannot tell you how important that is, and with very specifically not wanting to carry that baggage through my life. And the final the final part of releasing that was reconnecting with my parents towards the end, and those bits of baggage and understanding, getting that all together. And now, yeah, I'm I'm leading a much happier life. I will have to say, it is very successful and very happy, not just successfully, but but relationship-wise. We all grow up with our parents' relationship model ingrained in us, whether we like it or not, and having an unlearning that has allowed me to have a wonderful relationship now, and uh which I've never had before. So, yes, what you were saying, success is is not just physical success, monetary success. It's inside.

SPEAKER_01 43:46

Yes, so I encourage anyone who has the opportunity to be more involved with caring for their loved ones to do it. Um you may think that it's going to take away from your life, but what you will find is. It will give you more life. You will clear away things that are holding you back. You don't even realize how much your emotional baggage from your loved ones is pulling you down. And when you once you clear that, if you do that intentionally through therapy or taking care of your parents or any other way, it just makes such a huge difference.

SPEAKER_00 44:23

Life change, life-changing, truly life-changing difference. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 44:26

So I want to thank you, Duke.

SPEAKER_00 44:28

Oh, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 44:28

I'm going to have you back. We're going to go deeper into some of these issues.

SPEAKER_00 44:32

Yes, there are so many. There's so much more. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 44:36

So much more to do. I so appreciate you opening yourself up to everyone. It helps everyone to hear the stories because this whole community is dealing with the same issues.

SPEAKER_00 44:47

Yes, we are. Every generation deals with it. And it's really important. And yes, I am happy to to tell what I've learned in my journey. It's uh it's just yes, it's really important. It's important for everyone.

SPEAKER_01 44:59

Okay, so thank you very much. We will see you next episode. Bye.

SPEAKER_00 45:03

Bye.