Spiritual Thoughts, Bardo, Vision

Gwen Sarandrea interviewing Duke Morton for the 4th time.

Discussed spiritual aspects of the dying process. Gwen shared experiences w/living w/her Dad and described performing his Bardo/healing the night before he died and the glorious vision afterwards!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Hi, welcome to Aging Loved Ones, the Healing House podcast. I'm Gwen Tarantella. I have with me today Duke Morton. Hi, Duke. How are you?

SPEAKER_00 0:13

I am fine. I'm glad to be back.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

Uh Duke has been with us already uh for three different interviews. This is the fourth one. Uh I just want to keep going deeper because there's so much to cover here. Um Duke, can you uh oh I would like to go into your relationship with your dad. You've oh talked about uh fathers and sons and the problems there. Uh and that's really so interesting. Um can you um what memories do you treasure from the whole experience?

SPEAKER_00 0:47

Yeah, uh yeah, just specifically from from the experience was was definitely um being able to really reconnect with my dad, or actually not even reconnect, connect uh at all with my dad, because he had made uh, you know, for all of us growing up, and even well, I've heard later from from people he considered as friends, he was very closed off. He had he had shut himself down from just about everybody. Uh so so, you know, for previously, you know, he would only let people in so close, but he had a private life that he would not let anybody into, including his family. Um so consequently, uh the really special thing was that when I he had had dementia for a couple of years, uh, but it was progressing by the time I uh joined on to take care of him, uh, he had really opened up and he was really uh really present every moment and really interested in me and what where my life was going. And uh and at that uh I I do uh graphic design work um and and was getting my portfolio together and he was really interested in that and just constantly was making an effort to really open up to me and learn about me and like really have a connection with me. He really wanted to have that, uh, which he had never had before and wasn't really capable of. I mean, I realized now last time we were talking about perspectives that it gives you, and I could see uh I can see that he had shut himself down and would not let himself get close to anyone. And now he was, and he he was genuinely interested in in me and my life and and my artistic pursuits, and um just uh, you know, every single day uh since I was there again, there 24-7, um, just every day he would wake up and just really reaffirm the connection with me and and uh tell me that he was overjoyed to to get to see me every morning that I was there and give me a big hug, which is a complete reversal from anything we had grown up with. Uh so it's uh yeah, my treasured memories, that's one of the main things is every morning when he woke up, he would specifically pull me aside and tell me how how happy it made him that I was there and he got to see me every morning and give me a big hug. That's a huge, huge thing in our family. That's a giant thing. So that was that that was probably the main uh uh the main change, the main memory that I have of him. Uh and it's a wonderful memory to leave with uh with from all of the negativity, the decades of negativity, that's the memory that I am left with, and I'm really happy. That's one of the main reasons that I uh dove into taking care of my parents so wholeheartedly. Um, once again, you know, encouraged by your your writing and your book and your experience. Um, but it was to hopefully have that kind of connection with one or both of my parents, and I just lucked out that my dad was ready to make that connection. And I was also, I had done enough work for myself that I was ready to receive that. And um, and it was just uh just wonderful that I will cherish that now. I that's my memory for the rest of my life of my father. And that's wonderful. That's that's an amazing uh reversal of what it could have been if I had not done this. It would be very, very different uh memories.

SPEAKER_01 4:27

Uh yes, to go from uh not being involved in your life at all. You said that he had a separate life even from your mother and you uh to to be totally cut off like that and and to be and have difficulties in your younger years with him trying to please him, trying to make a connection. And then to actually have it happen when you were taking care of him at the end of his life sounds absolutely profound.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

Yes, it was. It was profound. That's a really good, that's that's a very good word. Uh it was really profound. It was 180 degrees from what it had been the entire rest of my life. Uh and that's uh well, it's wonderful. It's it's one of the the one of the things that I had hoped I would get out of the experience by the time they my parents were dead, uh, would be to heal that relationship. And uh that that was just profound. It was profound, definitely.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

Yes, especially um once you leave your childhood home, often you don't have as much connection with the parent. And uh the relationship, unless you really keep it up, often doesn't get deeper. So this was a way for it to absolutely get deep fast.

SPEAKER_00 5:46

Oh yes, exactly. It was like condensed. It's like, okay, they have the you know, the clock is running out. I and I'm gonna be there 24-7, and so I gotta make every minute count. Uh besides just the taking care of them, uh, was really like go through, work through, you know, whatever, whatever issues, just just plunge in and just work through it as fast as possible because they're you know slowly dying. Um so uh yes, it's just uh yeah, just a profound change and and a wonderful, wonderful way to to leave that the memories. Those are the memories I'm left with, and they're wonderful. And uh they they totally changed my life. Um from you know, from the time they he died until I die, that's gonna be the memory that I hold of him, and that's that's a profound change.

SPEAKER_01 6:42

Yes. Um so uh does your father have any spiritual orientation?

SPEAKER_00 6:48

Uh no, actually. Um my parents were raised, they they were both Southern uh and raised during uh uh born during the Depression, uh, the Great Depression in the 30s. My dad in in the late 20s, just before, but my mom in the middle of the uh the depths of the depression. Um and I I'm sure that their families were religious, however, not wholeheartedly religious because we never got any stories about going to church every Sunday or uh or any kind of ritual, spiritual ritual, um, from both of them growing up. And they certainly never raised us that way. Uh they both were were completely self-involved in their their uh you know train wreck of a marriage and their own personal issues. Seriously, we were we were like afterthoughts um as as kids. Uh they were just you know in flailing, uh flailing around, arguing in hysteria always, hysteria or depression. Um, and we were just sort of on the sidelines. So there was no there was no, you know, let's all go to church every Sunday or anything like that. We would occasionally go to a Presbyterian church for a candlelight service, um, and uh occasionally for an Easter service, but there was no it was never um uh that there was no uh rhyme or reason for it. Some years we wouldn't, some years we would. Uh yeah, it was very haphazard, as as everything they did when we were growing up. Everything was haphazard and off the cuff and no forethought. Uh so uh so yeah, it was uh it's interesting uh that uh my sister uh dove headlong into to uh Christian evangelism and and I dove headlong into meditation and uh and uh spiritual pursuits. Um uh but we those were our own devices. That's something that we decided, you know, once we became teenagers, that that we pursued those on our own. Uh so not your parent, no, no real spiritual connection there.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

Um so when you first moved in, what was what was the condition between you and your dad? And kind of how did that intimacy develop over time?

SPEAKER_00 9:18

Well, we had already um he had all he actually had sort of had a change of heart once he uh uh lost, he he went into bankruptcy and lost his business um about 10 years earlier. So, and once he did that, I noticed definitely, I mean, at that point I was still still in film production uh down in Los Angeles, and um and he was really uh he had a change of heart at that point and really wanted to get to know me. Um and he would visit and uh really wanted to to know about the film industry and what my job was, and uh, I was just making an effort to be a part of my life. So that had started before he got the dementia and before they needed the caregiving. So he was already already in that mindset, and that's something that he once he lost the business, I you know, it just sort of that of course changed him. But uh it definitely, you know, he'd he'd uh you know, some sort of some sort of change in his uh way of thinking or looking at things. Um but he had tried to to uh start making a connection with me at that point. Um so by the time I moved in, of course, he had advancing dementia. And so his personality was actually um actually much, much better, as I've I've talked about before. Um uh the negativity was gone and he was very positive. Um so he was overjoyed. I mean, as I said, you know, to have me there all the time, now he could really be a part of my life and really make an effort to do that. Um so when I first moved in, um when I first moved in, more it was more setting boundaries, finding out what my what needed to be done and how I was going to be able to do it myself, and how I was able gonna be able to preserve my energy and not be completely drained by these two people that I knew had, as I said before, no boundaries, didn't respect any, didn't know about setting things up, and just lived from temper tantrum to temper tantrum. So I knew that going in, mostly in my mindset was okay, how am I gonna deal with this? What needs to be done every day, uh, you know, setting up systems to deal with all of it. Uh, that was really going into it. Um, but my dad was already wanting to be a part of my life and be a part of my sister's lives as well. They had uh both uh my uh uh one of my sisters had, as I said, uh she had a home for for decades and still does. So that's that's uh a couple of miles away from my parents' home. Uh and so she already had been going over there regularly to see them. At that point, they were able to uh take care of themselves and be alone uh on their own uh before I moved in. Um so uh uh yeah, for me it was really just just figuring out what needed to be done and how I was gonna do it and how I was gonna keep my sanity. And where I how it was a real challenge to set boundaries with people that I had never had to set boundaries with before. Um, but if it was gonna work, it had to be done. Um so it was really good for my own personal growth. It was uh a really wonderful challenge. Uh so there you go. That's that when I first moved in, that was that was what I was thinking of.

SPEAKER_01 12:40

Uh and it's a good thing you took care of yourself because if you ended up spending seven years before your mother finally passed, your dad passed earlier. Um, you it's absolutely necessary for a caretaker to take care of themselves first. Absolutely first, because you have so much to do uh taking care of sick people. Um it's it's just absolutely so tell us how did you how did you take care of yourself?

SPEAKER_00 13:11

How well uh and I've spoken of this before. I mean, uh going into it, I'd had uh uh many decades of of spiritual work and uh meditation, specifically meditation, deep meditation uh work, uh for many years. Uh and so I had a meditation practice. I was practicing what we now call self-care. I've been doing it for decades, um, and very aware of myself and what I needed to do to preserve my energy and keep my energy up and uh take care of myself physically. I was very sickly as a child. Um, so I grew up focused on my body and what my body needed to function correctly, and um, and how not to just run myself ragged and and uh uh end up being sick because that was very much um in my early life, that was very much the pattern. Uh so coming into it, I I already had all those systems in place, so to speak, uh, with myself. Uh so it uh and and I uh and I knew that I had to, that I had a limited amount of energy, and I had to be able to preserve that and make it through however many years it was going to be. And that was the other thing too, was I didn't go in with the mindset, oh, it's gonna be 18 months, and then you know, suddenly it wasn't. Uh that's very different. Uh I went in with I'm there for as long as it takes, and if it takes two years, if it takes four years, whatever, uh, that's that's sort of the headspace I had to be in. And I think that's really important for anybody doing this. If you don't know specifically when they're gonna pass or how long you're gonna be doing it, you you really have to be honest with yourself. Uh, you know, you're there for the long run. Um, and it it puts you in a different headspace, uh, certainly.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

Um, and it sounds like your spiritual practice um made it a lot richer for you. Um that you went it sounds like you went into it for the uh emotional, spiritual reasons. Uh and how did that work out for you?

SPEAKER_00 15:18

Oh yes, definitely, definitely. That that was a big part of it. I mean, besides taking care of them physically and making sure they they had, you know, the laundry list of all the physical, taking care of the ailments and all the daily stuff, really on a spiritual level, uh wanting to connect with them and heal old wounds, uh, that was a real focus right off the bat. I mean, that's one of the things that encouraged me to take on the challenge in the first place, was the opportunity to heal wounds whatever I could and get uh shift the uh uh shift the relationships. Um leave leave on a good note to to you know be really basic. Uh just just when they died, have be on an upbeat note as opposed to dragging old, old, decades-old problems around for the rest of my life. Uh so yeah, going into it, that was very I had a very specific goal is I wanted to connect with them as much as they would were able to, because you can only do your part of it. If somebody else isn't there, you're gonna do their portion, you can't do anything about that. And with my dad, certainly, he was more than willing. He was really in the headspace to really make a connection. Uh, so so that was wonderful. My mom was not so much, she she never focused uh on that. Um so yeah, that was just a very different story with her. She was just in a different headspace uh as well at that point of her life. Um but uh certainly with my dad, he was right there, like ready to make a connection and wanting to have that with me. So uh so yeah, I went into it with specific goals that that was it, and and spiritually heal myself and uh heal the relationships and um uh do as much as I could before they were gone.

SPEAKER_01 17:10

Were you there when they took their last breaths? And what was that like for you?

SPEAKER_00 17:16

Yes, for my dad, I was there at uh I was there the whole time. Um when he was starting to go downhill and his breathing became erratic and his he started to sort of go out of his head um and be unresponsive. And we uh I helped get him into his bed. And uh then I was there the hospice. Again, we've talked how wonderful hospice was at that point. Hospice we had called in a few weeks before. So hospice came and was there. Um I had uh morphine that I could give him. And uh, you know, I was literally there. My my sisters, you know, my sisters and my niece, like like on the bedside crying, and I'm administering morphine so that he would uh you know not be in pain. He was uh uh breathing erratically and uh not responsive. Um, but uh, you know, I was I was there administering morphine and checking for a pulse right up to his last breath. It was uh very dramatic. That's something you don't forget. Uh so um, but yeah, I was there with him the whole time, right? Before he lost consciousness. And uh so um, so yeah, that was uh a profound experience. Yeah, I was there right to the very end. Yes, at a loss for words there.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

Yes, um, was this a spiritual experience for you to to help him pass?

SPEAKER_00 18:55

Yes, it was. And I actually he had the week before, um, he had had the same symptoms, and we sort of thought that he was going to be going. And I uh yeah, I would place my hands on him and just tell him, you know, telepathically, just through my thoughts, just when it's time to go, just let go. Just let go. It's time, just just don't be scared, just let go when you need to. Uh, he came out of it that time. But then certainly uh I was there spiritually with him as well. Uh, you know, I had my hands on him, uh, you know, checking his his vital signs, um, and and just encouraging him to let go and not be scared. Um, so that's uh, but yeah, it was definitely a spiritual element. I mean, I I did a lot of that um in those last uh those last hours. Yes, definitely.

SPEAKER_01 19:47

And that is so precious. Uh and that's something that you're able to have happen more at home rather than in a hospital where there's so much noise and confusion and um all of that.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

Yes, yes. They they both had wanted to die at home. And uh uh again, the hospice made that uh a possibility. Um and uh yes, you're right. I mean, you don't, it's it's warm, it's familiar, it's not cold and clinical and um and uh uh anonymous. Uh hospitals are anonymous. Um and it's uh yeah, so it made a big difference, yes, to to for them to do their convalescing in their house and then die in their house. That was that makes a huge difference. Uh and once again, hospice made that uh made that a possibility. And and the fact that that uh we kids were all around there making that a possibility as well, because we we really put ourselves and our our our money reserves on the line to make all of that happen for them.

SPEAKER_01 20:53

Um so it it sounds like the family kind of came together, you and your sisters, at least with your dad at the end.

SPEAKER_00 21:00

Oh, yes, definitely. Um, yeah, my sisters uh for sure, and especially even when they were not there physically uh uh 24-7 like I was, they were always on the other end of the phone. I could always talk to them. Uh, they would visit uh when they could. Uh my sister that that was just a few miles away would come at least twice a week uh to come and uh relieve me, give me, give me some time away. Uh and my other sister, who at that point, my my youngest sister who was living uh uh down uh in another part of the state, uh, she would come up and visit. She was, you know, a few hundred miles away, so she would come and visit regularly as well. Um so yes, we did all pull together, and we were always with any kind of medical decision or uh what uh you know medications they needed to go on, we would always do a phone conference and and decide what was best and what should be done. And I would let them know what's happening day to day when there would be a change in mental state. Uh my mom certainly had had many. Changes in her mental capacity. And I'd always run it by my sisters. So yes, we did all pull together, which I have come to understand is is actually not the norm. It usually falls on one person and uh and then it's a battle with the other siblings who aren't there and don't understand what's going on. So yeah, I really uh, you know, we really lucked out. Every time I tell people this, they're like, oh wow, you're so lucky. Um so yeah, we did all pull together for for my our parents to have this all happen.

SPEAKER_01 22:36

Uh and how about your mother at her end? Were you present at her end?

SPEAKER_00 22:41

I was not present at the very, very end, actually. My sisters had come there. She was she was going downhill, and of course she had advancing Parkinson's, and that's part of it is uh, you know, it's a uh uh it affects the nervous system and the brain's ability to control the body. Uh and uh so she uh, you know, it's very painful to watch, um, just slowly lose control of her body and just basic functions. Um so by the end, it was she had been for like three days sort of like almost comatose, like not responding, just breathing, but not responding. Um and uh my sisters came uh at that point. My my little sister was was living, we had been in the house for five years at that point, uh, together. So she was there. My other sister had come over, and and I at that point was desperate for a break, and so I went out uh for the afternoon. And uh it was while I was away on the break that they texted me and said, you know, she's gone, she threw her last breath. Uh then I rushed back. Uh so no, I was not there at the very end. They they took care of that, which is the way it should be. The daughters should be with the mom and the son with the dad. So it actually, now that I look at it, it's like, oh, that actually makes a lot of sense. They were there. Uh and my niece was there as well. So it was the three of them. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:08

Um, and did you have a funeral or a memorial? Or what arrangements did you make?

SPEAKER_00 24:14

They had um for my dad, he did have uh, and I was not a part of it. I didn't want to be a part of of either of those. Uh um, but uh my sister uh was insistent that we have a memorial service for my dad. So um so they did that. Uh and then he uh per his wishes he was cremated. Um and uh my mom, she uh had was insistent that she uh donate. There's a wonderful program at um uh uh San Francisco. San Francisco State has a wonderful uh program. Uh you can donate your body, especially like Parkinson's patients, or if you have a major disease, you can donate your body for research to further research, specifically for Parkinson's, I know. And she was very interested in that always, and so she signed the papers, and so they took her body uh and uh they were wonderful about it, and they do a memorial, they do their own memorial service for the patients that they that have donated their bodies. So uh so that was really nice. Uh but for her we did not have a uh we did all get to oh that's right, we did all get together um at a winery. One of my sisters worked at a winery, and we we got together there and had a celebration of her life, and we had dancing because she was she was a dancer, of course. Both my parents were dancers, but she was she was always the one that that got us into dancing. So we had had a wonderful um we all said said uh some wonderful speeches about her and then had had a dance party afterwards, and uh she would really have loved that. Um so so that was really nice. That was wonderful for my mom.

SPEAKER_01 25:57

And how wonderful that she donated her body to science so that they could uh help other people in the future from what they would learn. That's I'm I'm just so amazed. That's wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 26:11

Yes, yeah, it really was wonderful. She uh uh and she was very she had for a couple of years, she when she found out about that, because she was really into the uh research they were doing on Parkinson's and the advancing. Uh she did a lot of study on that and she found this program and she was very insistent that uh that happened. And so there were all the legal papers to sign. And um yeah, that was something she was very, very much into. And that's uh it is wonderful. It's a wonderful program. They they were just wonderful about it and very respectful. And uh yeah, yeah, just just really great. Because yes, she found that on her own and she was really insistent.

SPEAKER_01 26:52

Um so are these interviews bringing up emotions for you, Duke? It's like talking about these things. How do you feel it when we're done?

SPEAKER_00 27:01

It's like what what's your uh it is very emotional. I have to take time by myself. I'm actually uh right now I'm staying near the beach. I I'm an ocean guy, I surf, and so uh I always go out to the ocean to heal. But yes, I always go take a walk on the beach after these things. It it it's uh I'm I'm fine talking about it, but it does actually bring up uh bring up a lot of emotions and memories um of that time. It was a very uh difficult, exhausting time and uh and very emotional, of course. Uh and uh yes, reliving all of these uh details of it um brings it back fresh to me. So yes, I do actually have to take some time by myself afterwards. Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:41

Um yes, and you get um more integration happens over time because you're you're integrating your feelings. It's like the healings that have happened take a deeper emotional um grounding.

SPEAKER_00 27:57

Um, yes, they really do. That's very, very true. And as you, of course, you know, you have to process things over the years, um, and and really focusing on it, because I I'm still very uh have a very strong meditation practice, and I I focus on all of these uh things. And uh and yes, it does, it integrates and it uh and actually talking about it's really wonderful. I mean, you would be doing that in a therapy session anyway. Um to you'd uh just thinking about it now. I'm like, yes, actually, this is exactly what you'd be doing in a therapy session. Um uh going back over the details and uh examining feelings and emotions and what comes up uh and uh and yeah, it's and still healing, you know, I'm still healing from it and and healing my life and uh and current relationships. Um yes, yeah, definitely. It's it's con it's still evolving, it's not something that's finished, you know.

SPEAKER_01 28:50

Um so what do you feel is a result for you? It's like uh are there things that you have brought into your life from this experience that probably you wouldn't have?

SPEAKER_00 29:03

Oh my gosh, definitely. I I was thinking about that today, how profoundly it has changed my life and changed my personal relationships and the relationship I'm in now, which is is really wonderful. Um, that would not have been possible had I not gone through this and had not healed the uh uh my relationship with my parents. Um it certainly has changed, I can totally tell the change in me and the change in what I bring to a uh relationship now is is a completely different um different dynamic. Um I I would not have this great relationship that I have now uh without having dealed all of that with my parents. And it's it's funny, a a friend of a friend is uh has the opportunity to uh uh he's in between jobs and um or uh again, he's gonna relocate overseas and he has a couple of months and uh was uh moving back into where uh moving back to Los Angeles where his parents are located. And uh anyway, I I was just um it's like he's in his 30s, and so it just seems, you know, when you're that age, it just it seems like that's not important. And I was like, oh my god, it's so important if you have the time to put into it, be with your parents as much as you can, and um and just heal what you know, just be around them, and it brings things up, and it it it you know, you use a certain amount of healing even if you're not conscious of it. Uh, and especially if you have the time. Uh, because later, because I lucked out that I happened to be in between jobs when all of this was going on with my parents, and I was able to simply throw myself into it. But you may not, I I, you know, if I'd been involved in another film production, I would not be able to just throw everything aside and go be with my parents. So when you have the opportunity, it's so, so important, and it really does change change the rest of your life. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:56

Yes. Uh my experience with my dad was very different because he was in excellent health. I was very fortunate. Yes. Um but it's similar issues in the sense of getting to know him on a deeper level. Um when I was growing up, my dad was uh always working, you know, a very responsible man. He was taking care of his family, he um he was taking care of his mother, um, who died at 92, um, always taking care of the house and the car, and and so, you know, he was a good loving father, but he wasn't around much.

SPEAKER_00 31:36

Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 31:37

Uh and and then I got married at 19 and went off. And and you know, when I was 50 years old, I invited him to come live with me in California. He was widowed at that point. He was 80 years old, and he came out. Now the first year was hard for us because we bought a 1914 handcrafted cottage that deaf it needed all kinds of repairs. Uh, and so that was hard in the beginning because, for example, uh we needed a three-bedroom, two-bath house because I needed a private office and he needed his own bathroom. But we only could afford a two-bedroom, one bath house. Um, however, there was an old kitchen in the back, and the living room was huge, so I decided I would take the old kitchen out of the um the back and put it in the front. Uh and that would make a new uh another a private office for me, and we could build the bathroom for dad later. Um but the problem was we didn't get to do that for a while because uh we moved the refrigerator in and we moved the gas stove in because there was a gas heater we could hook it up, but we still had to run the plumbing under the house, and that didn't happen until we put in a new bathroom. So every morning dad would wake up at 5 a.m. and come down heavy on that step and wash his dishes in the kitchen. And the 5 a.m. in the morning was not the time that I was used to being up. So it was these kinds of difficulties in the beginning of working those out. Um, but the other thing I was starting to talk about the relationship. So um when my father first came, he he was like an old man because he had been sitting in front of the TV with his brother for three years. But it took him about six months and he he lost 20 years off of him because he knew how to take care of houses and he was he felt wanted and needed again. But the relationship between us was I started to go to him to say, Dad, what is it you want to do around the house? Because the first, the, the very first problem I had was I looked out the window and he's up on an old rickety ladder with an old stall in his hand, trying to cut off a dead branch of a dead tree. And I went out and got him down from that and and told him, you have to stay on the ground. You know, we'll call the tree guy. This is we don't want you doing manual labor. And he said, Great. But two days later he was up again on something high. So I had to set boundaries, just like you said. Boundaries were the first thing that happened. Uh boundaries, and it's like you have to stay on the ground. Uh, and then we started to hire men to come do stuff, so we didn't have that problem anymore. Um what I I learned to talk to him and say, what is it you want to do? Uh how can I help you, rather than being worried that he was going to do something himself and and and the problem. Right. So so I I had to shift. I had to open up and bring him in. It's like, yes, I was the head of the household, so so to speak, but he was my father.

SPEAKER_00 35:02

Yes, exactly. It's it's very interesting.

SPEAKER_01 35:05

There's this shift in power that happens, but uh but the shift in power for us was more equal. It's like he wasn't the adult with the child anymore. It was the two of us were two mature adults working together. And so we really developed a partnership. I developed a partnership with my dad that I never had as a child. I got to know him on deep, intimate levels that I never knew. Now, you know, he wasn't always working. Uh we'd had family picnics and parties and things like that. But, you know, I would have to compete with my mother for that time. She wanted his attention, you know, and my sister, etc. So it's like this this was very different. It's like I had him all to myself. Anytime I picked up a hammer, he was right there.

SPEAKER_00 35:55

Wow, yeah, yeah. It's so different. So, so different.

SPEAKER_01 35:58

Sharing meals, a simple thing like sharing meals every day. Uh, and we would talk, and I'd ask him about the family back in Pennsylvania and how were they, and my cousins and aunts and uncles and such. And I I would ask him stories about growing up and uh how it was with my mother and things like this. So we really did develop an intimacy over four years. And actually, the most fun thing, let me bring this in, um, the one thing that dad did do for me and my sister when we were growing up is he was a dancer. So he taught us to fox taught in the living room. I remember him saying, now bend your knees and feel the feel the rhythm, and you know, and because dad taught me that in the living room at 12, after I was divorced years later, I started taking dancing lessons. So I became a ballroom dancer. Well, then this was actually wonderful for him because once he was out here, matter of fact, even on the invitation, when I was called him and asked him, I said, Dad, if you come live with me, I'll take you dancing every other week at Dance Arts. And it's like he hadn't been dancing for three years, he'd been sitting in front of the TV with his brother.

SPEAKER_00 37:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:12

So I actually got him back to be more active again with dancing because once he came out, uh I didn't do it the very first month.

SPEAKER_00 37:24

Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 37:25

I waited until we got a uh he got a little bit more um spry, he got more um alive. He became more alive when he came to live with me. Um he took two walks a day. Uh he he he kept going to Fairfax Lumber for tools to fix the house.

SPEAKER_00 37:46

Yeah, well, uh tool shopping, yes, exactly. Just yeah, all the things he knows.

SPEAKER_01 37:51

Um but the wonderful thing was now I was able to bring dancing back into his life. So he brought dancing into my life and it was my social life for decades. Uh all my friends were dancers. My major relationships were dancers, you know. Uh my friends, Hal, Franklin, and Fred all were dancing partners, and they helped me actually with dad. They helped me get ready. It's like when I was a panic before before he came when I was making arrangements and and I'd be in tears because because because I didn't know what was going to happen and I was afraid. And and you know, Franklin would call me and say, What are you doing? And I'd say, Well, I'm packing boxes and I'm in tears because I, you know, I don't know what's going to happen. And he, okay, great. Why don't you come out to dinner with me? You know, meet me in San Anselmo, we'll go to a restaurant. And and it's like, boy, my friends made such a difference. They helped me out constantly. Yes. Uh, with my father. And told me how lucky I was that I was able to do this. Franklin said, I wish I could have done this for my parents.

SPEAKER_00 38:57

See, yes.

SPEAKER_01 38:58

And his his mother died younger when he was younger, uh, of cancer. So, you know, it would not have been possible. Um, but he said, I I I think it's so wonderful you're doing this. So my friends really encouraged me. Uh, and it it was really great.

SPEAKER_00 39:15

Um Yeah, yeah, that is that is fantastic. Yes, uh uh, yeah, it is, and it's a really good point. Not everybody has the ability to do this um because of circ life circumstances or whatever, distances, that kind of thing. Um, so but but when you have the opportunity to really jump at it and take it, uh that that's really the thing is if it if it presents itself, then go for it. Uh because you you won't regret it. And and I the same same here. I mean, so many people have told me, oh, you're you're so lucky, I wish I I wish I had put the time in with my dad or my mom uh before they died. Uh I I get that a lot as well.

SPEAKER_01 39:59

Yes, and and in 45 years of counseling people, uh the main issues come from their parents often. You know, their current relationship is plagued by their parents' relationship because the problems that they grew up with are still there. And that's what they're coming to to therapy to heal these parental relationships. And this was the taking care of them is the best way to do that.

SPEAKER_00 40:26

It really is. It was the fine for me. I mean, and I'm one of those people that have worked for decades on it, it really was like the final piece. It's like I knew, I knew I'd gotten to a certain place, and having them alive and being able to interact with them, you know, we we let healed and let go of a ton of stuff that would never have happened. I would still be carrying it with me. Um, and uh yes, and like you said, I mean, your your personal relationships are playing out the issues that your parents from your parents' relationship. And uh consequently, yes, as you were saying, it's how has it affected me? I'm in a current relationship now that is completely different from any of the other relationships I've had uh when I was still working through issues with my uh from my parents. Um and now that I've let go of all of that, um, I have a completely different, wonderful relationship that I would never have had. Uh so yes, it's very true. I mean, throughout your life, you just carry these issues. Uh and and boy, there's nothing like you know being right there with the with the people that you grew up with.

SPEAKER_01 41:32

Uh yes, and and my father was not spirit, not religious, I would say. Uh he he was love in action. Uh it wasn't God wasn't out there someplace. God was right here. And for dad, it was you take care of your family, you you love everybody, you you work hard. It's like that was his spiritual uh work. Um so um even though I did psychic work, yeah, I had a I have a master's degree in clinical counseling psychology, but I'm also a natural clairvoyant. And so a lot of my early work started out with clairvoyant readings, uh and uh and I'm very spiritual, but we didn't dad and I didn't really talk about those things. It was more it was just understood. It's like he just he was a good man, he followed his heart, that was his religion, basically.

SPEAKER_00 42:27

That's yeah, that is wonderful. That's wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 42:30

But I did get to do his bardo. Uh I'm gonna talk about that for a minute. Um after four years, uh, we had a wonderful relationship. Uh it just was a really it really developed beautifully. And after four years, it uh dad announced to me that he was gonna go get a flu shot. Oh, I'm gonna get get my it's annual flu shot. Doctor said I have to get a flu shot. Please, dad, don't go to flu shot. I said, I didn't want him to get oh oh I have to get my doctor said okay. He went out the door, he was happy, his energy was great, and he walked back in that door and he was depressed. His energy was flat. Everything is like now. Since then, I have read that uh mercury and other toxins are in uh can be in vaccines. My theory is the toxin went straight to his heart and damaged it because he had all I had taken him to the doctors. The doctor said he had wonderful heart, great strong heart. He was out there with a hatchet, chopping down trees. You know, after six months, he was he was healthy and happy and four years, and he was dancing. Uh he had a wonderful relationship. So when when he came back, I knew, I knew that it was that flu shot. Four months later, he was gone. That's what happened. From the day he got that flu shot, uh, he started to Lose energy. He just lost energy as though a plug had been pulled out. And he just got s weaker and weaker and weaker, started to going to bed earlier and earlier. Finally, there uh at some point he said told me he needed help. And I was waiting for him to let me know because he was very independent.

SPEAKER_00 44:21

And I Right, right, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 44:24

Um But I know I came in and I helped him at et cetera. Um and then um and then when I was I was helping him to the bathroom one night, his he said, I can't stand up, and his legs buckled under him. And I said, That's okay. Now just I'm just gonna low lower yourself to the floor. I've got you. I covered him with a blanket and put a pillow under his head. And I said, you know, let's just figure out what to do now. Let's see. Um I don't want the police in here and know. How about if I call the fire department? They'll send a couple men over and lift you up and put you back in bed. And he said, Great, that's no problem. So that's what they did. Um now, except later that uh the next day, he won he insisted on getting up to go eat at the table. It's like, no, Dad, you you no, I want to eat at the table. You help me, I can do it. All right, so I tried. He he got he got to the table, he ate, he's on his way back with the walker, and he his legs collapsed again. And now he's stuck in the doorway with the walker, and I grabbed a chair and slid it under him and and called the fire department.

SPEAKER_00 45:35

Wow. Oh my god, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:40

And and and they took care of him, put him back in bed. Anyway, uh at the point it I called, I went and called my sister Carol in Southern California, and she came up. So she was there the next day, and she was able to spend 32 hours with him before he went into coma. And then he did when he went in a coma, we called hospice. They set up a hospital bed in the living room, uh, and she took care of him. Um and so after about a week, he was skin and bones. And I went into meditation and said, What is he learning? You know, why is he still alive? And what I got was he's learning to receive all the love he gave to everybody else his entire life. And I went, ah, and what am I learning? And it said, You have to own your healing ability and give it to your dad, because this is something you and he didn't never talk about. Oh, okay, good. So that night I waited till my three-hour shift because Carol would be sleeping, uh, because she would get up with him in the middle of the night. Um, and I spent three hours with him. I was talking to him, I was healing his energy field, I focused on his heart because he was dying of heart failure. I told him the greatest accomplishment of your life is that everyone loved you, uh, which is true. It's like he was always in service. My father always in helping everybody, service, service for anyway, and and and I basically said to him, you know, all you have to do is drop this worn out body like a like an old suit of clothes and cross over into the light. I said, Your parents were farmers, your eyes were closed, you've always been focused on um what's practical, what you could see, but your eyes are closed and you can't see now. I want you to see with what I see, and I put my forehead to his forehead, and I visualize this tunnel of light with angels uh with their wings outspread. And I said, they're singing and and they're going to guide you back into the light. You're going home. This is a glorious time. And I sent him off with prayers and healings and love. The next morning he was gone. Carol said he didn't moan for his 5 a.m. medication. Uh the hospice came and took the body away, and then I went into meditation, and I immediately saw this wonderful vision of dad. He was alive in his spirit body, he was young, he was full of love, he was he had two golden beings on either side of him. He was golden. It was so glorious. I was in bliss. I had tears running down my face. I was crying. I I was it's like you made it. I helped you. We did it.

SPEAKER_02 48:32

Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 48:33

I was celebrating. It's like, yes, it's like he was resplendent in the light. And it was, it was it was the gift that he gave to me for me taking care of him. That's how I feel. Uh, and because we were so close in my with my clairvoyance, I was able to see this vision. So I keep sharing this with people coming to uh terms with uh aging and dying because I have seen the vision. I know there is life after death. So I just want to make sure I put that in here.

SPEAKER_00 49:05

Oh, yes, definitely. That's wonderful. What a great experience. That that's amazing. An amazing experience. Wow. Very good.

SPEAKER_01 49:15

So there's this is uh, of course, a total surprise. I would have never expected it. However, when I when I thought about it years later, uh I remember I remember saying, I want to be there when he dies. And when that sentence came out of my mouth, I I was surprised because I hadn't thought that far ahead. But actually, many years four years later, I was there when he died, and I could see what an important thing it was. So some part of me already knew in advance that this was this was a spiritual experience not to be missed.

SPEAKER_00 49:54

Yes. Exactly. That that it is important and it's something, an experience. Uh certainly after reading your account of it, that it was an experience that I wanted to have. And again, yeah, like like you said, it's like I had no idea at that point, like what was that going to be, and you know, how was that ever going to happen? Uh and then uh then four years later, then the you know, I would my my life was at a point where I could do this and the you know opportunity presented itself. Uh so yes, it's very interesting that that uh uh you have the idea and then it takes a few years, and then suddenly there it is. Uh so it's uh and then just profound, profound change.

SPEAKER_01 50:35

Yes, uh and a gift that our parents have given us because we uh I would I got so much out of it. I got so much more than my dad, I feel.

SPEAKER_02 50:46

Um yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 50:49

It's it changed my entire life. I know. Uh actually when I dad moved in with me, I was the one on medication. Uh I I had had a breakdown uh and was still on two medications, but I got off those medications so I could take care of him. So I was the one getting off medications and You were the one. That's right. Uh uh and we were so fortunate because he was in good health. And I got to know my dad on a everyday level of what a wonderful man he was. He just he he loved talking to people, he was interested in everybody, he had this beautiful heart, he was always service-oriented. I never knew all these things about my dad. You know, he was always busy working or you know, busy with my mother or something.

SPEAKER_02 51:38

Right.

SPEAKER_01 51:38

So my entire relationship with him, uh, I feel it took place in from my f when I was 50 years old, rather than childhood.

SPEAKER_00 51:51

Exactly. Yes, yes, exactly. Yeah, and and uh myself as well when when how old was I uh when I moved in there, 53 uh when I started it. Uh and uh yes, yes, so that was when I got to know my dad was as an adult. Uh as a child, he he decided he didn't want to be a part of any of that. So so we never knew him. Uh so yes, yeah, yeah. I I that's when I really got to know my dad, or the that's the end of his life.

SPEAKER_01 52:20

Uh and would you do it again if you had the chance?

SPEAKER_00 52:24

Uh yes, I would. I would because it it was uh again, I was motivated to do it um directly from your book. Uh I was motivated to do it. And um I would uh yes, I I would definitely do it because it's it's had uh like you're saying, it's had such a profound effect on my life afterwards. Uh it's just completely shifted everything in my life. Uh which it's it just wonderful, wonderful changes. Uh and um yes, and again, uh as we were saying last time, the the only thing I would do differently is I would bring in hospice much sooner. I would have brought in hospice the minute I got in there if I had been aware of of the service. Uh but but I would definitely, yes, I would definitely do it again, and I and I would I always encourage everyone that that uh and I've I've met a few people that are going through it to just encourage them to stay with it and and have the experience. Whatever experience you can have with your parents. Uh you know, I I lucked out, and you certainly lucked out as well, that they they opened up and were receptive to it. That's that's certainly everybody has their own issues. Uh but it's worth making the effort for it'll it'll change your lives.

SPEAKER_01 53:36

And I would absolutely do it again. Uh I feel like this was one of the best experiences of my life. Uh when I look at different periods where I've been happy, um, I had 10 years living with my sister and my children our children, where we were really happy. And this five years with my father, it was four years with him actually, but five years from the invitation by the time he came, uh, it just changed my life so completely. Uh I'm a different person. And my uh I have no intention of marrying again it in this lifetime, but next lifetime, my relationship's gonna be much better because now I know what it's like to have a partner. My father was a partner rather than a domineering alcoholic ex-husband. So uh I did a lot of healing around my relationship with my ex-husband just by uh being able to do the healing with my father.

SPEAKER_00 54:37

Yes, yes, it heals. Yeah, what people don't understand is it heals all future relationships. I mean, that healing happening changes every aspect of your life moving forward after they're gone. Uh it certainly has, and I've had the profound my life is completely different now. Um, I've let go of so much and have a wonderful relationship now. Um, and all of it directly related to having that experience with my parents and going through all of that. Uh so yes, I I completely agree.

SPEAKER_01 55:09

Okay, well, thank you so much, Duke. This is so valuable for people to be privy to this kind of conversation because it it's usually happens behind closed doors.

SPEAKER_00 55:22

Yes, that's true. That is very true. That's true. And I I have had people uh actually just this this past week saying how helpful all of this is, which is which is wonderful. I'm I'm happy to talk about it. Uh I I never know like what possible use could this be to people, but it really does people do find use, uh, get a lot of information from this. So I'm happy to do it anytime, anytime. I love being a guest on your on your podcast here.

SPEAKER_01 55:47

Yes, and uh uh listeners, if you have an interesting story, you would like to be a guest, please contact me and we can arrange that. So thank you again. This has been so valuable, and we will have you back. Um so listeners, we will see you next podcast. Bye.

SPEAKER_00 56:08

Bye.