Running a Restaurant

Duke Morton being interviewed by Gwen Sarandrea. He talked about a typical day when he first moved in to care for both parents & their next stages.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi. Welcome to Aging Loved Ones, the Healing House podcast. I'm Gwen Saranjaya. Today I'm talking with Duke Morton. Now, Duke has been here before. We're just gonna have a nice discussion. Duke and I have been friends for over 40 years. How are you tonight, Duke?

SPEAKER_01 0:19

I'm great. I'm great. Yes, it has been been many decades here. It's a pleasure to to be a guest on your show. This is great.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

And you're such a wealth of information. Having taken care of parents for seven years, I I feel it's oh it's fine to repeat stories because we're going to go deeper into different areas. So let's start with what was it like when you first moved in and how did you handle it?

SPEAKER_01 0:44

Yeah, I very uh I was very apprehensive, actually. I I was very energetic. You know, it's something that I wanted to do, and I'd really thought a lot about it before before uh actually moving in. I had visited, I remember I had visited a couple of months earlier in the year uh and stayed with my parents in their house and just uh just was sort of getting, I had the idea that that this was maybe something that was going to be happening at that point. It hadn't happened yet, but I knew it was coming up because they were going downhill and and none of us really knew what how that was going to work out if we were gonna hire somebody or somebody. But I uh I went up there specifically thinking, okay, so how could this work? How could I fit in? What are, you know, just refreshing myself with their personalities and what the challenges are. And so I sort of had an idea before I threw myself into it, like how that was all going to work. And after, I think I spent a week up there a couple of months earlier. And at the end of the week, I was like, okay, this actually could, if it happens, this could actually work out and it's something I could do. And then lo and behold, you know, a couple of months later, there it was. And I suggested uh to my sisters, I said, I'm I'm the logical one to move in and do this job. And I, you know, I had prepared in my head for what the challenge was going to be, and I knew ahead of time exactly how my parents operate. You know, they have they never set boundaries, they don't respect any boundaries, they have no idea about any of that. It's simply they l lived off the top of their heads, whatever mood they were in, that's just how it was. And so I knew going in it was going to be really challenging. It was going to, I would have to grow into it because I would it was gonna challenge me to really set boundaries and hold to them and always, always focusing on on what needed to be done as opposed to what they had in their heads that minute that they wanted to do. It's like, okay, they because at that point with their health failing, they could not live on their own. They couldn't do all the things they had been doing, they couldn't do for themselves. And, you know, the doctor was giving directives as to the medications and and the exercise and what needed to be done. And so I knew I knew that I was gonna have to lay down the law. And and I was, you know, like I was saying in my head that I think this is gonna be really good for me because I'm going to learn how to set my boundaries, not with two very difficult people. Uh, and consequently, once I learn, you know, these skills, it'll be so much easier in the rest of my life because nothing's gonna be that hard. So I knew that going in, I had in my head prepared myself, and I visited beforehand, so I sort of knew how I could fit in and that it was possible living on a daily basis there. Um, and that they had space. And and at that point, um, no, at that point when I moved in, they were both still mobile in walkers. So they were still both getting around on their own, but they were not capable of cooking anymore or um getting on and off of exercise bikes, that kind of thing. My dad loved his exercise bike and was very, he, unlike my mom, was very fitness-oriented and hadn't been earlier in life. But what he told me I subsequently learned is when he turned 50, his doctor said, Look, you really have to start taking care of yourself because it had high blood pressure and he had some heart valve issue that he'd had like his whole life. And of course, as you age, things get worse, not better, unless you take care of them. So he from 50 years old on was used to focusing on his body and knew he had to do some exercise every day. My mom had to sort of grow into that with her as her disease progressed. But by the time I got in there, he was fully in that regime and he loved working out on his exercise bike. And uh, much like your story last week about your dad just suddenly climbing up a ladder, he would would just get on his exercise bike, which is, you know, unless you are really stable, it can be really unstable. He could easily fall. And so I was horrified, like, okay, I really need to be in the room when you're doing this. You you can't just randomly get on it. So things like that. I uh, you know, they're just little adjustments that as their diseases progressed, I I had to lay down the law more and more. And uh sometimes it was very confrontational. I if that they were both, my dad was used to just exploding and throwing a temper tantrum, and I had to throw one right back and just lay down the law and say, no, this is not yet, this this does not wash anymore. There's no one around that you're gonna be bossing around. You know, I am in charge now, and I had to lay down the law a few times, and then finally, with both of them, they finally got on board with the program. But certainly it was uh when I walked in, as you said, you know, what I walked into, that's the situation. But it wasn't unknown to me. So I could mentally prepare beforehand, which really helped. And uh, unlike some people, I know I have some friends that that suddenly found themselves in that position and had not had any kind of preparation, sort of blindsided them, and that's much more difficult. So uh, so yeah, so I feel fortunate. I I did this, you know, purposely in my head. I wanted this experience, as I said, years before I wanted this experience and didn't know how it was going to happen. And then two months before I ended up doing it, I sort of, you know, scoped out the situation to see how I could fit in. So uh so yeah, so so I did I laid the groundwork before I got there, which was really beneficial and and saved me a lot of grief, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

Okay, you were taking care of two people. Yes. What what did a typical day look like?

SPEAKER_01 6:16

Typical day. So, in because both of their diseases were progressing, my mom's more slowly than my dad's, but at the time he had dementia, but the dementia actually did not progress. He's he had had it for a few years, and I had actually interacted with him before. So I knew luckily that wasn't getting worse. He never got to the point where he didn't know who, you know, it wasn't like Alzheimer's, where he didn't know who you were or where he was. And and I thank God none of us, we all like counted our blessings that we never had to deal with that with either parent. Uh but he did have dementia, but his health was uh he had had uh cardia uh what what did they call it? They call it cardiac failure. Anyway, his heart had uh failed a couple of years earlier. He had been rushed to the hospital because he had car not cardiac arrest. We they had thought that it he had a heart attack, but he didn't. At any rate, his heart was failing. So that was that was sort of what was going on, and he was going downhill. And his blood pressure, of course, was you know, would would go off the charts randomly depending on uh his diet. I I had to one of the things I knew uh anyway, I I cook anyway, so I was up to the challenge. I learned a lot more. I was actually happy because I got to do all the cooking, so I got to improve all of my cooking skills and my knife skills and all of the things you work on as a chef. I was like, okay, this is also great because I really can try out different recipes. I had a bunch of recipes I make for myself. I could try them out on my parents and see what they liked. They ended up liking a bunch of the stuff. But with my dad, one of the challenges was he was on a low sodium diet. And this is a guy that ate big steaks and baked potatoes with cream and salt over everything all his life, up until his 50s, when his doctor sort of laid down the law. But as, of course, by the time I got there, it was much more prevalent. He would have high eat something, high sodium, uh, some of his, he loved, um, they are both Southern, so they love Southern cooking. And one of the things is salt pork, which is basically you just soak the pork in a salt bath for hours and hours and boil it. And it's just loaded with my gosh, anyway, it's just loaded with sodium. Um, his favorite thing, after a few times of doing that, and hours later being rushed to the emergency room, literally because his body could not handle the salt. I mean, his blood pressure just, yeah, it it it was a number of times we did this before we realized, wait, this is slowly killing him. So his doctor put him on a low sodium diet. So I, being a cook, went through his favorite, because he he was a very finicky eater, and I went through his favorite meals and broke everything down into all of their elements and what kind of sodium was involved and how I could still cook his things, but have them meet the sodium requirements. So it required, you know, his favorite sandwich, he could only have half a sandwich, and he couldn't have certain things on the sandwich, but he could still have it. But if he did that, then, you know, it's uh like dieting with calories. You know, if you splurge on one thing, you can't later. So I would present every day, okay, here's what you can have, and I can make these things, but you can only have like half a biscuit. He loved fresh-baked biscuits, he could only have half a biscuit, and if he did that, he couldn't have something else later. So it it was very challenging. I did a lot of work coming up with his menu, stuff that he liked to eat. And he uh, as I said before, where he had his whole life been very negative, and everything was just just downbeat, and life beats you down, and you just have to suffer through it, and then and then you get to you get to die as a release. That was it. I was like, wow, okay, this is a way, how not to live your life. Yeah, that that death is welcome because life is so hard, and then you get to be released, like a prize, you get to die. Seriously, this is this is and he tried he instilled this in us anyway. Uh yeah, so he uh he was with the dementia that he actually all of that aspect of him disappeared. And he was actually very positive and very grateful for everything, which I found wonderful, and I'd experienced that a couple of years earlier, dealing having discussions with him with the dementia. Like, wow, he's so upbeat. Like, my gosh, where was this guy when we were growing up? What a different life we would have had. Yeah, the dementia, as I had, I think I mentioned before, it it like it cut out the negative, the trauma from his youth and the negative aspects, and he was left with this upbeat attitude and very joyous and really appreciative. So uh I would, you know, when I when I would do the uh the different meals for him and like explain everything to him, you know, he was very appreciative and he really tried to work with that, which before I was expecting, okay, this is just gonna be horrible. But but yeah, the other thing that drives home is when you have to make repeated 3 a.m. visits to the emergency room, it does tend to go, okay, you know, if you do this, this is how it happens. And of course it happens to all of us because my sister had to drive over and help out at that point. My mom had to go as well. We all had to go to the emergency room at 3 a.m. So you can imagine it was really something. But he uh, you know, he finally did knuckle under and understood what was going on and how it directly affected his health. By that age, you know, as with all of us, it's it's more and more it becomes a direct cause and effect. Like, wow, you do this, you instantly see the results. Uh, your body cannot handle it, and it just lets you know. Unlike your youth, where you can just destroy your body and it just somehow keeps going, and then you pay for it later. He so he uh was eventually very receptive to the limits that I needed to put on him, and he was on a whole host of drugs as well. My mom was on medication for her Parkinson's, but at that point, not a lot of drugs. He was on a lot for his heart and his kidneys and uh all sorts of all sorts of organs were failing slowly at that point. And uh, that's the point I came in. So he only had eight, nine, nine months from the time I came in until he passed away. Uh so he was really at the I came in at the end of his life, essentially. And uh, of course, we didn't know that when when I came in. We know we had no idea how long he'd last, but but he started going, he was going downhill fairly rapidly, much faster than my mom was at that point. And so now, now that I've told you all of this, I completely have lost what the question was in the beginning. But there's all that information for you, uh, which I hope evidently will help everyone. So there it is.

SPEAKER_00 12:51

Yes, it's wonderful information. And the the question was, what was the typical day like?

SPEAKER_01 12:56

A typical day. Well, that was part of okay, and there we go. So that was part of the the diet with my dad was a very big deal. And he's a, and as I said, a very finicky eater. So that was a huge deal. That one of the very first things was getting his diet under control, realizing that he it any cheating with the sh with the salt would send him to the emergency room. So that was one of the first things was getting him fed with something that he liked and something that he could have uh that wouldn't send him to the emergency room. Uh my mom has always loved food and loved everything. She's much easier to cook for. Amazingly, I would start off making uh the different soups and stews that I loved and different pasta dishes and all the things that I liked just to see what they if they liked it as well, because I was doing the cooking for all of us. And I was like, well, you know, we may as well if we all like the same thing. It makes it much, much easier. Um, and and especially especially with somebody as my dad, my mom was amazed he really loved my cooking, and I got him to eat this uh very healthy vegetable, chicken and vegetable stew, chicken provençal stew with all of these herbs in it and very little salt. And he loved it. They both loved it, but my mom was amazed. She said, Oh, he has never had soup or stew in his life. And he, they, they ate, I learned it by heart, they ate gallons of it. We would go through gallons of it a week. I would be making a huge batch constantly. And and luck, and it was good for them, and it was homemade, and it kept him on his diet. Uh, so that was a big thing, a daily routine. I was constantly in the kitchen, uh, cooking and uh making up shopping lists, cooking and cleaning. That was a big part of my day, just round the clock. As anyone that has cooked for a family knows, uh, if you do all home cooking, it's just around the clock. You're always preparing ahead. I'm a big fan of there's a product which has been on the market for decades, which I've used forever, called Food Saver. Anyway, it's a vacuum sealing individual portions of meals and freezing them. And it's such a great way. If you're doing batch, big batch cooking, which I like to do, then you constantly have a variety of meals prepared that that heat up easily. And with my parents, of course, with all of us there, I like to have a variety so it's it doesn't get monotonous, uh, which was really important for my dad because he's very finicky. My mom, of course, would eat the same thing all that if she liked something, she would just have it for every meal, which made us would made that very, very simple. As I said, that thinking back, like this stew was, you know, they both would just eat gallons of it for like every meal they wanted it, which which was fantastic and and quite hilarious. But uh yeah, so a lot of my day was cooking, staying. My dad had lots of of different medications to be given at different times. Uh so that was a big making every week, making up his pills for morning, noon, and night, uh, the different dosages ahead of time, so I knew what time, and then keeping track of the time and when he took what, because I needed to report all of that to a nurse. Also take his blood pressure every morning, weighing himself every morning uh and reporting all of that as well was a big was a big part of the day. As I said before, he was in the habit of staying in shape. And so at that in the beginning, he was able to get uh precariously on his exercise bike, never fell off it, although it was quite hair-raising. Uh, but but he and and it was great because he really knew that it was important and would do it without me having to make him do that. And and he he got into the routine of of what he could eat and what he couldn't eat. And I had my lists posted all over the uh, you know, his his special dietary needs posted up in the kitchen and what what uh meals I also my sisters would come over and a sis would give me like an afternoon off or a day off uh sometimes. So I would got used to printing out a menu of exactly what was available in the freezer and the fridge each day. So when they came over, they could let them my parents know what meals what was available for each meal, uh, which made it much easier. So that was a huge deal. Running the kitchen was a very, very big part of my job. And as were the medications and keeping my dad on his diet. At that point, my mom was not far gone yet. I mean, she was in a walker, but she could still get around. They could both get around in their walkers in the beginning, and she was not going downhill as fast. Luckily, luckily, they were both not going downhill at the same rate, uh, or I could not have done it myself. I was doing all of this by myself for the first 18 months I was there. I it was just me on the front line. Don't really, in retrospect, don't know how I did that, but but I did. And yeah, somehow I survived And the reason I survived it was by setting boundaries in the very beginning, because I knew I had to somehow extend my energy, and I could not, they would gladly run me ragged into the ground, but with their requests. If I set no boundaries, I would be run into the ground, and they would be they they would have no clue as to what they're they're completely detached from any kind of reality, always. Uh so I I saved myself by setting the boundaries. I did in during the day, always in the kitchen, always cooking. I ran a restaurant. My sisters were like, Well, you just run a restaurant, and I did. I ran a restaurant, and I had a list, the menu up there, what the restaurant was serving, and uh what was in the freezer, what was in the fridge, uh what the snacks were, and uh getting my mom, my dad exercised on his own, I had to supervise. But but he was very good about it. My mom, I had to get her mind into gear of uh with the advancing Parkinson's. And as with everybody as you age, you know, the phrase use it or lose it is very, very appropriate. I'm finding that right now with me. I'm very active. I surf, I box, I do a lot of things. But if you do not keep up with it every day, you backslide instantly. And they, and my mom needed to, especially with the Parkinson's. She uh had to exercise, she had to get in the habit of doing exercises. So we got with a uh video program that she loved that was on PBS every morning. Uh, what was it called? Sit and Be Fit, which I think is still on, with uh Marianne Williamson. She, she, she's a wonderful nurse practitioner who also does this exercise program, which is very, very popular. My mom loved it. Thank God she loved it because she could sit and she could sit in her chair, and there were specific exercises for people that could only sit and could not stand. So getting my mom in the habit of doing that and staying on top of it, that she had to come, she had to get out of her comfy chair in the bedroom and into a straight back chair in the living room so she could sit up and do the exercise every day. She got in that habit, but it was something I had to make sure that she did. And then she had her uh, she had more medications as she progressed. So once, once my dad was gone, her medication issues became more pronounced. Uh, so I had to so I eventually had to keep up with with her meds as well on a daily basis. And uh that's pretty much it. That was like the full day was making sure all of that happened. And then at night as well, my mom uh was, you know, was incontinent and she could still get into the bathroom, uh, but she needed help. And so one of the other things that that was slowly killing me was working, you know, fairly late into the night and then waking up after four hours and having to help her into the bathroom and then try to get back to sleep to then wake up again, because my dad was an early riser, wake up, and then that was that was very, very challenging and slowly killed me until we had to like sort of set some rules. Uh I forget how we did it with my mom, but I was like, okay, we have to work something out because I can't, I can't be awake in the morning, be awake late at night, and then also be awake in the middle of the night and do everything during the day. So, so we worked something out to where that got under control. But that was that was also slowly killing me.

SPEAKER_00 20:48

Yeah, maybe adult diapers at nighttime.

SPEAKER_01 20:51

Well, she at that point, she was not clued into really what her disease required. So she was very resistant to all of that. Uh very stubborn as a mule. I it's funny, because I I see that in in uh we kids, we we each have have inherited the stubbornness for better or for worse. Uh, but she she was very resistant to any kind of change. And at that point, she was not doing the diapers. We were doing chair pads because she would have accidents. Uh, my sisters were all just exasperated, like, when is she going to give in and do this? Eventually she did, but only after a long time. So that was that was just something to try negotiate. We all tried to negotiate with her around what the realities were of her condition, which she really didn't want to face. My dad faced his condition. He was very pragmatic about it. My mom was very reluctant to face what was going on with her body and the changes that were going on. Um, and she was like that throughout her whole life as well. She she was not one to to deal with actually what was going on in the present with herself and certainly not taking care of her body. So so that was that was very challenging. So, yeah, on a daily basis in the beginning, that was my day. Uh day and night and uh round the clock because I was it. I was the one on the premises.

SPEAKER_00 22:05

Wow. Running a restaurant, that that's a when you think about taking care of aging loved ones, that's not the first thing that comes into your mind.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

Right. That is that is very true. And actually, and and I I think we sort of we were on a very tight budget. And of course, if you cook for yourself, it's much, much cheaper. You can ha eat much better and healthier, and it's so much cheaper. My parents had gotten uh as most people do, it's it's easier just to order out or order everything pre-prepared, uh, which of course is, you know, if you have dietary restrictions, it's loaded with sodium and and it there are healthier choices now, but still it just cost an arm and a leg. So yeah, yeah, not everybody has the skills to run a restaurant uh and do all the cooking. Uh I just lucked out that I was uh it's something that I had wanted to improve my skills anyway, and I had been cooking for a while. And I sort of took that as a challenge, like, okay, here we go. Now I'm being handed, uh my sisters came up and said, Oh my gosh, this is like a restaurant. I said, Oh, actually, yes, yes, it is like a restaurant. And here's the menu, you know, and I'm the chef, and here's the menu I've made up. So so yeah, we we all sort of lucked out that that I was in that mindset anyway and wanted that challenge. Uh, but it but it is exhausting. Well, just like just like running a real restaurant. It is you live in the kitchen and it is consumes your whole life and is exhausting.

SPEAKER_00 23:24

Yes, and my sister has dementia. It's not old timers, she's more like childlike, but she fortunately she lives with her son who takes care of her, and he makes all the meals, he prepares everything. So, and I talk to her every day, and it's like she's just so appreciative. Oh, Dave, he makes such good meals and he fixes me good snacks, and it's she really appreciates that, yes.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

That's great. That's great. Yes, my pa my parents were very appreciative too. They they had no idea because my mom did not, you know, the the family life was so dysfunctional in our house. My mom could could cook some. She knew Southern cooking, and and she did cook some, but it was it was so dysfunctional that there were there were no and we were we were brought up in show business as well, so you keep very odd hours. You're never at home. You know, and my parents' marriage was horrible, and my dad was living his own life, had had long ago decided to to build his own life so that we weren't involved in. So yeah, they were they were both this was something new that all the meals were prepared at home and they ate at home all the time. That was something very new for them. But they were but yes, equally they were very appreciative as well.

SPEAKER_00 24:33

So how did your day change once, say, your your father was out of a walker? Or it's like when what was the next stage that happened?

SPEAKER_01 24:41

Yeah, the next stage was because he my mom was my mom was still mobile in her walker. Did she I'm forgetting when she went to a wheelchair. They both they both went from walkers to a wheelchair within the first, I would say, six months. Uh they could still get around by on their own, but they had to be sitting down in the wheelchair. Um, and they had the upper body strength to be able to push themselves. The next stage, I think, was my dad needing to be pushed around, needing to be taken to the restroom. He had had a colon cancer a few years before, and so had a colostomy bag. Luckily, I I did not have to really be involved in that. Uh, he was able to take care of that almost to, yeah, to the end of his life. I never really had to deal with any of that as long as as he could be gotten to the restroom. We had a senior, you know, a mobility. It was big enough to handle a wheelchair and it had grab bars everywhere in the restroom. So he could maneuver. I never really had to do any of that for him. He occasionally would uh uh fall, occasionally end up on the floor, uh, did not injure himself, but I would have to to you know help him back into his wheelchair. Uh but luckily no injuries from that kind of thing. And yeah, I did not thinking back, yeah, I really did not have to be as involved as I had expected. I had expected to that they would both be completely incontinent and I would have to be doing everything in the restroom for them. And I really was not, did not have to do that, which was was a relief that was something off of my plate. But yeah, as it progressed, I think within the first six months, you know, they both became wheelchair bound, but were still able to get around. And my dad, once he started going down the hill, he was happily caught, you know, comfortable just watching movies on TV and and staying in his wheelchair. And uh he was not able to really exercise at that point. Um, but again, you know, he was going downhill and it was pretty much the end of his life. So so that when when that stopped being able to happen, then that's just what happens. He and we had a nurse practitioner come over visit occasionally. We had not called hospice at that point. Uh, unfortunately, the hospice should have been involved for the minute I got in there, as I've spoken of before. But at that point, I was I did have a nurse practitioner. I could call up and say, okay, here I they uh gave a uh, because they had Kaiser, they had a uh a blood pressure machine that would report automatically every morning to the Kaiser nurse, so she would have his vitals. Uh, I would take them every morning, and that was one of our routines, first thing to roll him into the bedroom. And sometimes he would sleep in his office. We had a home office that he liked. He had his own office, uh, which he liked, and he would stay in there for hours and hours and watch movies. And luckily it was right adjoint next to the kitchen, and I was in the kitchen all the time, so I could check on him constantly, which was a wonderful setup. That the mobile home they were in was really set up well and the proportioned well for people in wheelchairs, which was wonderful. Uh, we were very fortunate it just was like that when they moved in. So, yes, as they progressed, uh, I had to, of course, do more and more for my dad and maneuver him around. Uh, my mom, luckily at that point, was still could still get around on her own and sort of take care of herself. And I could could assist her when she needed it, but but I could focus on my dad's care and his meds and the blood pre taking the blood pressure and weighing himself. Uh so so yeah, that shifted, and that was in within the first six, six months, really. And my sisters had to be more involved. My youngest sister had not moved in with us yet, but she would visit, she was able, she she worked from home, so she was able to visit fairly regularly, luckily during that time. To to be with my dad, she'd come up for a week and stay in in the place. She would stay uh on a blow-up mattress in the in the living room. And then my other sister, who lived across the freeway just a couple of miles away, she she came over more and more frequently to help out. And just be with my dad because he has his health declined. We sort of knew it was was coming time. Uh the end was was coming. Uh so uh so yeah, that was a big shift as they became more and more dependent on being maneuvered, moved around mobile home. Uh, that was a big shift. So uh so I just uh, you know, little by little my role increased. I just had to be able to take on more and more responsibility. And luckily I had my sisters who who could assist with that, so I wasn't entirely alone. And then uh we had the nurse practitioner through Kaiser, which, you know, she'd come over once a week. And then uh then, of course, once we called in hospice, we learned, my God, they should have been involved for months earlier, and it would have been, they would have been here like every day. Uh so once they got on involved, it was just miraculous because it took a huge load off of me. And those were the last few weeks of his life, what ended up being the last few weeks of his life. But but you could tell his his mind was wandering more. He was uh more con content just staying in the wheelchair in his office. He had his his classic films that he loved watching and his music he loved listening to, and he would just do that, you know, for hours on end. So so it was uh in that aspect, it was easier because he was occupied and he wasn't very mobile. So so yeah, that's how it shifted as the time went on.

SPEAKER_00 29:53

Okay, and what was the next stage that he went through?

SPEAKER_01 29:56

After that, he, you know, they could tell by the uh his blood pressure readings every morning that his kidneys were starting to fail. And he, you know, he was eating less, but still, you know, keeping up his uh his weight. He was still eating what he needed to eat, but he definitely was eating less. His kidneys were starting to fail, his dementia was progressing, of course. He would have periods where he would blank out, and I would find him in, you know, slumped back in his wheelchair, and I'd have to sort of revive him and then call up the nurse. He had a couple of those episodes, uh, some and and at some point uh, you know, I I would panic and call my sister and go, Oh my gosh, you know, maybe this is it. This is when he's gonna die. This is the last few weeks. So we had a few of those episodes. Of course, it got to the point they they had little by little been adjusting his medications to try to get the blood pressure under control. And eventually, it eventually gets to the point where the meds won't work. He would go in for checkups, the doctors would run tests. I remember like week after the last few weeks, like once a week, he'd go in and they'd run tests. And eventually, you know, nobody wants to tell you, you know, there's nothing else we can do. He's just gonna be dead. But the last week, you know, they went in and they kept him overnight. He hated staying overnight in the hospital, but he had they kept him overnight. And we sort of knew it's like they they didn't really tell us anything, but we were like, uh, this is probably there's probably nothing else to be done, and he's just, you know, his organs are just failing, and that's just how it is. So they did release him, luckily, because he really wanted to die at home. He didn't want to die in the hospital. And he uh he was in good spirits that last week, and I think that he had gotten into his head, it's like, yeah, okay, this is the end, and you know, I'm just going to appreciate every he is he was in a really good mindset, appreciate everybody and everything, and let us all know how much he appreciated all of it, which was was really wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 31:54

Now, Duke, you really taught your father how to love because you you talked about him being neglected and abused as a child and having all that horrible mindset and the dementia g alleviated that for him. But you coming in and loving him every day, you really reparented him. You really you really got him to learn how to receive love because he never received it when he was a child.

SPEAKER_01 32:22

That's that's right. That's a very, very good point. Uh yes, he in fact won the I think it was like the final week. He was very irritable and was just ranting and raving. He got into one of his old rants. It's uh it's weird because in the dementia, suddenly he would just click into his old personality, which was just insufferable, and he was just ranting about something. And I just said, no, I I just like yelled at it. It's like, no, you do not say that about people. This is not the behavior that is allowed here. You have to basically shut up. And I stormed out of the room and that shut him up. And I then re- I was then I was like, well, I I felt very empowered because I was like, no, yes, I am in charge. Yes, I'm laying the ground rules, and he still, he still had to, we still had to take his blood pressure. So I had to turn around after I stormed out, change my attitude completely, and just be like, okay, positive. Go back in the room. Okay, let's go. You know, I don't care what mood you're in, we're taking your blood pressure now. This has to be done. This is it, and we're doing it. And I got him in the wheelchair, I rolled him over, we took the blood pressure, we took his oxygen level, blood oxygen level, and then he just broke down in tears and he said, Oh my gosh, you saved us. You came in here and you saved us. And that was the first time in my life, and I'm getting teary-eyed now, just hang it. That was the first time of any kind of acknowledgement of the tremendous amount of work over decades that I have given. And he suddenly was realizing, and as you said, he opened up and let it received it. And then he broke down into tears, said, My gosh, you saved us. You saved us. And uh, and I hugged him. He was in the wheel, I remember because he could not get out of the wheelchair at that point. And I hugged him and I said, Yeah, and I and I said, Yes, yes, I did. Thank you for realizing that. And it was my pleasure. I I meant to do this. This was not, this was not, oh, there's nobody else, and so I guess I have to go in. It's like, no, I specifically wanted this experience, and here it is, and I am giving this to you. And he's receiving it, and you're right, that that is something that he had never done. And and right, with his background, as we learned, you know, through the years growing up uh and doing research. Yeah, he he he was an abused child, so he was not used to that. Uh, but he did, yeah, that was very dramatic uh receiving, like I am receiving your care and love, you know, and it's moving me to tears.

SPEAKER_00 34:50

Yes, and he actually appreciated so not only did he receive it, but he appreciated this was a this was spiritual growth for him.

SPEAKER_01 34:58

Wow. Yes, you're right, you're right. I had never looked at it like that. But yes, yes, it was at the end of his life. He did do a lot of growing. And uh, and yes, and you're right, you're right, because I had done so much work with you through the decades and had such a strong meditation practice myself and had had progressed so much and let go of so much. Of course, being there with both of my parents 24-7 for so long, of course, it's going to affect them. Uh, I I, you know, just my energy is going to affect them and uh positively. And and it did. It did. In the end, he just broke down, which is was really beautiful. That was just really wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 35:34

Yes. So I just want you to really appreciate not only that you took care of your parents at the end of their lives and did all the physical stuff, but that you gave them spiritual growth and help and love and and that you really changed their psychology by being there.

SPEAKER_01 35:52

That that's true. Yeah, thank you. Thank you for for saying that. That is very true, and I'd never really thought about that. But it is true. It is true. Uh and uh yes, they did change. They did change, and they uh yeah, my actions and uh my energy and my positivity and uh yeah, just just all of it. It did change them. That's true, and yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:15

Not only that, but the fact that you were centered, that you were grounded, that you were consistent, it's like you modeled for them how an adult should behave. You gave them, you basically really reparented them. It's like they didn't learn these things when they were children. They didn't learn how to receive love, they didn't feel loved. Uh, you taught them how to receive love. You and you also presented a model of this is what a loving adult looks like who's helping you and taking care of you. It's like I just want you to realize what a big gift this was for both parents.

SPEAKER_01 36:50

Wow, thank you. Thank you for that. That that is all very, very true. Yes, and I had not looked at any of that, but yes, that is very true. I I definitely, and as the saying goes, you know, eventually the child becomes the parent. And I really did become the parent, and I became a parent that they had not experienced before, neither of them, uh, because I I know their parents, and it was all abuse and neglect. And it's just very, very sad. They had very sad lives, and uh, which of course initially stimulated me to not have that life, and that's why I got got in with, fell in with a fantastic therapist, you, and uh have stayed with it all this time. But that was the motivation was they are consistently miserable and have a horrible worldview and a horrible relationship pattern, and I really did not want that. And yeah, this was my chance to, after doing all of that work alone on my own, come back into their lives completely different and parent them different. Uh, you're right, yes, I was the parent, and I was a totally different parent than they had ever had. They were they were not used to any of that, and they didn't know how to do any of that. That's very true.

SPEAKER_00 37:55

And you grew because you had to become your own authority. You had to shift the power, take it, take the authority, and and you were in charge. It's like talk about your growth. What changes have you felt within yourself because of this experience? Yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_01 38:13

Well, that's that's a very good point. Uh, and I had not examined it before we started doing these uh these uh podcasts. Yes, I I have grown profoundly since this experience. It made me focus on these life skills that uh that we all need, but it was it it was being there 24-7. You you were not able to escape it. It's like you either set the boundaries and take care of yourself, or no one else is going to do it for you. And I definitely taught me, you know, I I have always been the mediator and trying to make everything okay by letting myself be manipulated and never setting boundaries and making everybody feel good uh by by demeaning myself or letting myself be bulldozed. That was my pattern for for so many growing up, that that was just it. So this was definitely a learning experience of setting boundaries, being loving and giving of myself, but respecting myself and my own well-being so that I could continue doing it. It's like I I if I did not take care of myself, I could not continue this work. And so I really had to, it was like survival. I was determined to be positive and determined to, you know, take care of them and uplift them and uh and have it be a pleasant essentially uh like you yeah, boy, you've brought up so many good points, as always. Uh yes, create a family environment that was completely different than what we had grown up in. And we grew up in the environment they created because they didn't know how to create anything. That's it's the they created the environments they grew up with, which were abusive and and dysfunctional and just horrible. So yeah, I it that's true. I I came in, became the parent, and specifically created a completely different home environment of of caring rules and boundaries, but also caring and love and positivity in order to survive and not specifically to extend their lives, but they as you said, which I hadn't really focused on, it certainly made their lives better at the end, having experienced that. And they were able to open up and receive that. So, so yeah, I I definitely grew. I I learned about myself, and I can certainly see, as you always bring up, like in my present day, this, you know, all of this happened. My my mom passed away two years ago, and and now I'm in a completely different, wonderful relationship now that is completely different, uh, a completely different relationship pattern. And that is directly, as you have said, directly a result of having taken care of my parents and released a a lot, a lot of baggage on my end that that I was not able to release on my own, just being around them. And also taking care of myself and taking care of them and letting being able to set boundaries, but then also loosen those boundaries, learn some give and take. And, you know, it didn't all everything doesn't have to always be my way, although there were things that that had to be, but it didn't have to be like that. I wanted them to actually, it's their house and they should be able to do what they want in it. So it has taught me, and I'm just looking at my relationship now, it certainly has taught me to to take care of myself, but also sort of take a back seat and just let things be like, you know, what does the other person want? It doesn't all have to be my way. What you know, we're both adults. What, you know, it what, you know, open myself up and go, okay, let's let's do something new. Let me do something new with the relationship. Let me let me uh you know let it grow on its own rather than me having brought some mental, some mental picture of how things have to be and everything has to fit that mold. I no longer do that, and that is a direct result of of having this experience with my parents uh because it just didn't work. I could set boundaries, but it, you know, I did not know the way things needed to go. I knew some of it, but it really had to, we sort of all had to figure it out as we went along. And so I had to let go of a lot of stuff. And it certainly serves me now in my own relationship. Now I I have totally changed. Um, and as you've said many times, I would not be able to have the relationship I have now had I not had the experience with my parents those years and had changed, you know, I had grown and changed as well as them.

SPEAKER_00 42:29

Yes, and a lot of those issues around control. And it's like, when do you exert control and when do you let go and let the flow happen?

SPEAKER_01 42:38

Right. Right. So, so true. And like, and I can see from my parents both had that uh worldview as well. It's it's all they're all in their heads. What I have in my head is the way it's going to be, and regardless of anything that happens, even if it's negative, it still has to be this way because that's the way things are. And that's what we grew up with, and that's how I operated in so in in all up until now, all of my major relationships. Very much I had uh an idea of what it should be, and this is how everything had to go. And of course, it doesn't go like that. You know, if you're if you're in a give and take in a really loving relationship where you're equals, each of you has ideas about where things should go. And if you're open, if you're both open, you find that out together and you forge a new path, which is what I'm doing now. And it's amazing. It's an amazing experience. I've never operated like this. And I had to learn that by taking care of my parents. Um uh it uh everything thought it was going to go. Uh, but it ended up being wonderful, and we all ended up growing, and uh it was a wonderful experience. But yes, I I had to let go of of preconceived notions of of the way I thought everything had to be.

SPEAKER_00 43:50

Yes. And instead of recreating your parents' relationship, you've you've released all those old patterns, and you're able to Be present in your relationship right now with your partner. You're present. You don't have all this old baggage clouding the field.

SPEAKER_01 44:09

Yes. Yes. Very, very true. Yes, I exactly. I don't, I released all of that baggage. And yes, and and it's yeah, it's staying present and letting the you know, stepping back and letting seeing where things go and just going along with it. And it actually, we we both operate on that level, which is amazing. And it progresses really uh it progresses really fast that way because because we're both like on the same track and nobody's trying to impose, you know, impose some some relationship, some mental pat, you know, some mental pattern on it. It simply is evolving as it goes and actually progresses very, very quickly. I mean, we're we're going to be getting engaged later this year. And and people from the outside that actually operate like I used to, that have this image of, oh no, I'm going to take things slow and I'm going to do this. It's like, well, we're just taking it as it's going. It's going the speed it is, and it's going, and consequently, it's going very quickly because we're both on the same page and we're not trying to impose our will on anything. So uh so it's a it's a totally different experience from for myself and and people that look at the relationship as well. It's a totally different experience. And it's really wonderful. It's very positive. And I, as it goes along, it's like I have no regrets. It's like this is a totally different way of operating. And uh it specifically comes from uh spending the time with my parents and letting go of all of that.

SPEAKER_00 45:34

Okay. One thing that humans do is we don't like to feel feelings that we don't feel comfortable with. They feel uncomfortable, that we don't know what's going on. It's like generally when something comes up that produces a feeling we don't like to feel, we we shut down. People do this without even thinking about it. And every time you shut yourself down because you don't want to feel something that's uncomfortable, you're basically blocking your growth. What you did is you went into a situation knowing that you were going to face every feeling that you didn't want to feel. And that, believe it or not, really make accelerates your evolution.

SPEAKER_01 46:15

Yes, that's very true. And and yes, you're right. And that is the what I went into it with. I'd forgotten. It's been so many years. And and as you know, just recently I was having the same issue of not wanting to feel things that were coming up, but I had forgot that that when I went into this with my parents, I specifically knew, okay, I'm gonna face that's one of the the benefits that I looked at was I was going to face all of these issues that I had forgotten about or was uncomfortable with, and I would have no recourse but deal with it because I'm there 24 hours a day, seven days a week. There's no escape. And I actually liked that. I was like, wow, this is gonna be really challenging. It's gonna be really good for me. And yes, I I have forgotten that uh since then and had to learn it once again. Uh yeah, that that you have to the uncomfortable stuff you have to stay with and feel it and work through it. That's the only way to to to get through it is to simply go in.

SPEAKER_00 47:12

Exactly. So whatever feelings come up, the best thing to do is stay with it and keep breathing. If it's uncomfortable feeling, you stay with it and breathe. Because if you pocket it, if you if you shut yourself down, that's a part of yourself now that you don't have access to for the rest of your life.

SPEAKER_01 47:30

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 47:31

Okay. So it's it's very growth-producing. And matter of fact, we come in to deal with these things. We come in to deal with the difficult stuff. But often what happens is people get weary of do doing it and they don't want to do it anymore. And so they basically shut themselves down. You you want to be growing your entire life. You don't want to ever stop.

SPEAKER_01 47:51

Yes, yes, exactly. And and your entire life. That's that's the other thing I find, uh, especially at the the age I am now, uh, so many of my peers have stopped. It's it's sort of like, well, at this part of my life, I'm just gonna stop. I'm going to, it's it's the old retirement mentality. I'm going to retire. And and but what is retirement? It's so so you just stopped growing and living and doing anything, or exercising your mind. I mean, what does that mean? I I have the complete opposite. There's some wonderful examples of that as well. I I have to say, Jimmy Carter's one of my role models for later in life, uh, specifically working literally to the end of his life in on construction projects and never sitting down into his 90s. He was still doing this. That that to me is growth and change. That's how your life goes. You don't sit back and then just retire, you know, retire from everything and stop, stop growing and stop changing and stop learning. I I do not subscribe to that.

SPEAKER_00 48:52

Well, thank you so much, Duke. This has been very informative. I have learned a lot personally.

unknown 49:00

That's good.

SPEAKER_00 49:01

And I'd love to have you back. We have more to discuss. I would I want to introduce some of my experiences with my friends. I've had at least four different friends die who who were close to me. But that's for another podcast. So that's terrific. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 49:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 49:19

Thank you so much for your time and your love and your wisdom and just your presence. Thank you so much. This is very helpful for so many people.

SPEAKER_01 49:29

Well, thank you. I certainly hope it is. Me just I feel like I've just sit here and run at the mouth. But I'm glad that it everybody everybody is getting something out of this. That's that's wonderful because it's it's really it's it's very interesting to me to dive into all of these issues. So thank you. Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_00 49:43

And it's very integrative for you too, because I'm making you think about things you haven't thought about for a while. So it's helping you integrate your experience.

SPEAKER_01 49:52

Yes, very, very true. Yes, I am getting a lot out of this, I'll have to say. So thank you once again.

SPEAKER_00 49:59

Okay, so goodbye to everyone. We will see you next episode. Have a wonderful day.