Ep 13: Breaking the Silence in Rural Relationships: Boundaries, Abuse, and Resilience with Ashley Bendiksen

What does a healthy relationship actually look like?

In this powerful conversation, Chris "Rhino" Swenson sits down with nationally recognized speaker, advocate, and author Ashley Bendiksen to discuss domestic violence, teen dating violence, boundaries, trauma, healing, and the importance of early prevention.

Ashley shares her personal journey from surviving abusive relationships as a teenager to becoming a nationally sought-after speaker and trainer helping schools, communities, and professionals better understand relationship health, trauma, and resilience. Together, Chris and Ashley explore the hidden signs of unhealthy relationships, why leaving can be so difficult, how trauma impacts the nervous system, and what parents, friends, educators, and community members can do to help.

This conversation is especially important for rural communities, where isolation, limited resources, and stigma can make it even harder for people to recognize warning signs and seek support.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• The difference between conflict and coercive control
• Why domestic violence is often much more than physical abuse
• Common red flags in teen and adult relationships
• How trauma bonds develop and why they are difficult to break
• What friends and family can do when someone they love is in an unhealthy relationship
• How parents can start meaningful conversations with children and teens
• The connection between trauma, stress, and nervous system regulation
• Why teaching boundaries early can help build lifelong resilience

Ashley also discusses her new book, A Kids Book About Boundaries, and explains why helping children find their voice may be one of the most powerful prevention tools we have.

Whether you're a parent, educator, helping professional, or simply someone wanting healthier relationships in your life, this episode offers practical wisdom, hope, and encouragement.

🎙️ Listen now on Rhino Resilience, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, and YouTube.

If this episode helped you, please share it with someone who may need to hear it.

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ABOUT ASHLEY BENDIKSEN

Ashley Bendiksen is an acclaimed national speaker, award-winning activist, and subject matter expert in domestic violence, sexual assault, relational health, early intervention, and trauma resilience.

Year-round, she speaks to and trains diverse audiences—from students and youth-serving professionals to law enforcement, victim advocates, corporate leaders, and workplace safety teams.

Ashley's lived experience is complemented by extensive work in victim services, criminal justice, violence prevention, advocacy, and policy. She is a Certified Trauma and Resilience Specialist in Education and has advanced training in trauma-informed practices, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), victim advocacy, crisis response, cognitive behavioral therapy, and supporting diverse populations.

She is also the founder of a global storytelling platform for survivors and the author of A Kids Book About Boundaries.

📖 Purchase A Kids Book About Boundaries

Amazon:
https://amzn.to/48tJws7

All Other Booksellers:
https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/813678/a-kids-book-about-boundaries-by-ashley-bendiksen/

🎤 Book Ashley to Speak

https://topyouthspeakers.com/speakers-topics/ashley-bendiksen

🔗 Connect with Ashley

Website:
www.ashleybendiksen.com

LinkedIn:
www.linkedin.com/in/ashleybendiksen

Instagram:
www.instagram.com/ashleybendiksen

Facebook:
www.facebook.com/ashleybendiksen

#RhinoResilience #RuralResilience #RuralMentalHealth #HealthyRelationships #DomesticViolenceAwareness #TeenDatingViolence #Boundaries #TraumaRecovery #Resilience #Parenting #TraumaInformed #YouthMentalHealth #StrengthForRuralLife

Transcript

0:20

Okay, welcome back to the Rhino Resilience Podcast. Um, today we have another guest on, and as usual, like to thank a lot of the people out there who have been calling in or writing in and giving me their support, so feel free to share it, like it, all those kind of things. And before we get started today, we'll get into our weekly oopsie-tootsie question of the week. And this week the question becomes is, who is someone that has made an influence on your life? And for me, who that person is, is, um... I, I always look back, there's a lot of different people obviously, um, but one that usually kinda stands out to me would be Abraham Lincoln. Um, for whatever reason he kinda came into my life and I began studying, and I've read everything you can and follow a lot of his ideas. But I mean, there's been a lot of other people, obviously my parents and my wife and kids and things like that. But, um, usually things start, go back to Abraham Lincoln among many others. So, so, uh, yeah. So Ashley, what, what, who might be that person for you? Or Oh my gosh, I was thinking please don't ask me that question. I never know how to answer. I think, um, different walks of life, different phases of life, so many people come into, uh, our lives and in- influence us in different ways. So yeah, I think I just, I could name, you know, dozens based on just different things. But I think on a personal level, um, I feel like my grandmother had a really big impact on my life. I feel like I'm very much like her. Uh, my mom as well. I think just the women that came before me, especially the older I get, you know, you start to see the generations before yourself showing up in yourself. So, um, certainly a, a positive, loving, compassionate, kind of nurturing impact, um, from my grandmother and my mom. I think that's where I get a lot of my own nurturing qualities from. Nice, yes. So there's our weekly question. Um, so yeah, I appreciate people writing in and asking those, so keep that coming, um, from there. Um, but yes, today we have a special guest on, Ashley Bendixen. And so feel free just to kind of, um, introduce yourself and, um, kinda offer a kind of just a little bit of an introduction and then maybe get kind of into your kind of backstory, what led you to do what you do. Sure. So, uh, I work full-time as a kind of nationally touring speaker and trainer. Uh, my business centers on topics of domestic violence, teen dating violence, adolescent adverse experiences, early childhood adverse experiences, and trauma resilience. And I know that's a lot of topics, but there's a red thread through all of them. And essentially what I do in my work is I travel and I do everything from school assemblies to teacher professional development, um, training professionals who work in victim services, professionals who work with youth on kind of how to not just prevent harm, but also intervene early and implement strategies to help people who have been impacted to rebuild resilience and essentially move forward and thrive in their lives. And this all comes from, uh, which is probably no surprise to anyone listening, my own personal experiences. I struggled a lot as a teenager, kind of between the ages of 14 to 20. I was in a lot of abusive dating relationships, which led to a lot of secondary traumas and challenges. And later in life as I was rebuilding, uh, one of the things I felt really called to do was just to kind of get involved, to help raise awareness about some of the issues that I had experienced. And those early days of just kind of volunteering and giving back and showing up at awareness events, it ended up changing the trajectory of my life and my career. Uh, I was given a chance to speak, and this just kinda became my soapbox cause, was raising awareness, promoting social justice. And eventually I went back to school for criminal justice, and my whole career now has been victim services and advocacy and primary prevention, uh, thus making me now an expert. And I've been speaking for, my gosh, 18 years, which is kind of crazy. Um, and I love what I do. It's needed work, as you very well know with everything that you're doing, which is, you know, we have very similar missions. Yeah, no, I think that, uh, you've made quite a bit of difference in a lot of people's lives, it seems like, 'cause you're out there on the road quite a bit doing a lot of those things. And it seems like a great thing when you're able to take something that you went through and to be able to then use that in a way that now you can give back and maybe help people out that were in similar situations, you know, now and things like that. But how does that kinda happen, like, full circle for you, for you? How do you feel about some of those things? Yeah, I mean, it's, it's interesting because when I first started out, I didn't really know that that's what I was doing. Um, you know, when I was asked to speak, it was for a community vigil. I knew they needed a survivor speaker, and I just remembered thinking, "If I speak and if I tell my story, I'm gonna be judged. What will this mean? What will my community think? What will these strangers think of me?" Just all of the fears. Um, but the response after that first speech I ever gave was solidarity. You know, people coming up and saying, "This was me. This was my loved one." Um, you know, "Thank you. I went through this and I didn't even know that that's what this was." And that experience has just happened residually since. You know, every speech there's at least one person that might disclose to me, and then I sometimes months later I get a message from a student who heard me speak. So it, it means a lot to me. Um, you know, I, I think I just, I never set out thinking I'm gonna, like, change people's lives or save people's lives. I just thought people need to talk about this stuff, right? Like, the heaviest and most difficult issues we face often, you know, persist because no one's talking about them. And so yeah, I feel very grateful to do what I do and to have the strength to kind of keep talking about this issue and, you know, to derive strength from, from this work because it is difficult. But, um, you know, I always think, especially when I speak to students, like, this is the talk I needed, right? So that's that full circle moment is, you know, what could hearing this have done for me? What could this caring adult have done if I had known them when I was a teen? Um, so it's all connected for sure. Yeah. I know that one of the areas that a lot of people are not aware of, like out here in rural areas, that domestic violence is a, is a big thing. And for a lot of people, they're isolated. You know, there might not be a lot of supports, a lot of that that's out there. But what are things that, you know, you've either learned or been through to kinda describe or to help people that might be out there? What kind of advice might you have or kinda words of wisdom, if you will? Yeah, I think there's often, you know, still this myth or this image in our minds of what domestic violence looks like and who it impacts, but no community and, you know, no group of people are immune to these issues. I mean, I've, you know, personally interacted with cases where the offender was, you know, very successful, top of a major institution. So, you know, this happens in communities all over, and I think, you know, something really helpful, um, and I think there's more dialogue about it these days, is that domestic violence is not necessarily just physical violence. In most cases, it's a dynamic where there's such a power imbalance in a relationship, and the person that kind of has the upper hand, so to speak, uses a lot of tactics to just have kind of what we would call coercive control over their partner, over the kids, over the family decisions at the expense of everyone's mental wellbeing, sense of safety, agency, autonomy. So, you know, it could be a partner who's extremely financially controlling, doesn't allow their partner to work. Uh, could be a partner who's very verbally, um, abusive and harmful and plays lots of mind games and kind of causes constant psychological harm. And, you know, that is, that is trauma, right? It's this emotional psychological trauma that, you know, really hurts people, and for many people, that's just all they know. Um, it's what's normal to them. It's just that's their relationship. But, um, you know, I think it's important that we give language to these things, uh, that, you know, healthy relationships are built on respect and autonomy, and both partners having agency and a voice and feeling safe to express oneself. So I think, you know, step one is just understanding it's more than just physical harm. Um, and two, that there's resources, and sometimes it's just a matter of starting the conversation with a confidential advocate or a hotline to say, "You know, I have some red flags. Some things feel off in my relationship. I feel trapped. Um, you know, what can I do about it?" And it can be more challenging in rural communities, which I'm sure you've encountered, um, because, you know, either everybody knows each other, and that creates a barrier. Um, and often people who are controlling at home are very charming out in the real world. Or maybe, you know, the person that y- is harming you wears a bunch of hats in the community And there's just a lot of dynamics that, um, yeah, create even more barriers to kind of recognizing that you n- might need some support or even asking for help. Yeah, wonderful. But I, I was looking at too, like when it's reaching out, that's gotta be a... You know, there's a lot of stigma around reaching out for like mental health or substance stuff. But around this, I mean, what, what has been your kind of understanding of things when, when a person's like, "You know, maybe I am starting to see some of those signs, and I need to reach out," but maybe there's some nervousness about that. I'm not sure. What could- could you tell me more about that? Yeah, I think, um, a big part of it is the stigma. You know, I think no one wants to even believe for themselves that they are with a person who might be an offender or an abusive person. They weren't probably that when you first met them. So I think there's a lot of just denial, um, and kind of having a hard time even admitting it to yourself, and then, you know, to say it out loud is very challenging. People are afraid they're not going to be believed, right? It's very common. Survivors don't expect people to believe them. Um, so there's that. But also, I think when it comes to kind of abusive and unhealthy relationships, there's also a lot of tangible barriers too. You know, I mentioned financial abuse. If you haven't been allowed to work and you have no credit card, no savings account, and no access to financial resources, that becomes a challenge, right? You might feel like, "I don't even know where to begin." Um, or, "If I try to leave, they're going to threaten to take the children," or, "Every time I've tried to leave the relationships, they say that they're gonna report me for, you know, my drinking," or there's just so many factors at play. Um, or a person's identity might even affect, you know, whether they feel comfortable asking for help or knowing where to go for support. So, um, you know, I think all those barriers and countless others are valid, uh, which is why I often tell people to kind of use those confidential anonymous hotlines just as a start, just to be empowered with some information. And because of the work that I do, I'm a firm believer now that there are always resources for anyone, no matter their situation or the barriers they think they fa- they face. It just might be much harder to access those resources, but they are out there. So you know, state hotlines are great. Community resources are often confidential, and it's just a matter of kind of finding, um, the safety to just have that conversation and get some, get some information. Yeah, no, I, in my experience too when I've worked with people in those situations where it is like a multifaceted thing where it's, I know I need to get out, but the n- the number of things that need to be in place for that becomes where we sometimes start. Like, okay, where, what's step one in making it very, very more, more simple as far as, like, maybe I need to find some way of having transportation or... I mean, just different things, whatever those barriers become, um, that are on there. And so I think each person's journey becomes different, where I think there's always that thing out there where people are just like, "Why don't you just leave?" And, and I think that there is a lot more to it that a lot of people don't understand. Is that kinda your same feeling too, or? Absolutely. I think, uh, until you've lived it, it's really hard to, you know, have the understanding of how hard it feels to leave someone who is that controlling, um, or that volatile or unpredictable. You know, a lot of victims of abuse will say, you know, they just never really knew how their partner would react. So there's always this what if. What if they respond really violently or aggressively? Um, you know, for anybody who needs power in a relationship, the ultimate loss of power is your partner trying to leave you, and many victims will know that, um, it can be very dangerous. So, you know, that's part of it. Um, and you know, I think for many, sometimes it feels like staying is just easier than leaving. You start to know your partner's patterns. You start to know how to kind of calm them down, how to get through each day, how to make sure that you can just go to bed and feel safe and wake up and hope tomorrow's better. And sometimes that feels much easier than the process of trying to leave them, because you just learn to be in management mode, survival mode, and it becomes your status quo. So sometimes that just feels easier. So it's, it's very hard to understand if you haven't been through it. Yeah. No, that's just the, the whole thing. And you know, I start to think about where a lot of people that are in those situations that, you know, they... It's, it's a struggle almost. We- they talk about, like, trauma bonds and things like that, where those things are something that a lot of people don't even understand what that is, and there gets to be that time where people sometimes are, are in love with the person, but it's more of the view or the, the thought of how they might be, and then they stay in a lot of that. What has been your experience around trauma bonds, or have you talked about those things, and could you share some things about that? Yeah, I think, you know, there's a lot of codependence that happens. There is a lot of trauma bonding that happens in these types of relationships. Um, you know, many times an abusive or, you know, emotionally abusive partner will kinda brainwash you into feeling like you will not find anyone else. No one will ever care for you, so you do feel emotionally dependent on this person in addition to maybe the financial dependence. So yeah, i- it's, it's like psychological warfare in many different ways. Um, you know, and your body and your mind, in many ways, you just kinda become conditioned to be in that type of environment. And, and some people actually don't know how to function outside of a high toxic stress environment or relationship too. So that becomes part of, like, that trauma bonding piece, where you're just conditioned kinda for these, um, highs and lows and kind of extreme behaviors all the time, where, you know, healthy feels boring. Or you know, to, to separate, you end up doing something else destructive. So yeah, it's, it's complex. Yeah, I'm glad, glad that you brought that up because people have that where they're, like, so conditioned to be in that high stressful toxic environment where it's almost as if that becomes like a thermostat in the room where that was their, their normal. And when that's not there, like, your brain is always like, "Okay, this is different," and it feels abnormal when actually it's not. Um, but could you kinda share some things too that when people are finally away, you know, one thing I've noticed is getting that nervous system reset back to kind of a more normal thing where for a long time it's quite up on edge. Are there, like, strategies, ideas, or just thoughts you have about some of that? Yeah, I think, um, it's hard to say that there's any one or two things that really works because I think healing and re-regulating and, um, learning to manage your own triggers and stress responses is so personalized to each person. You know, some people swear by talk therapy. Others need things like EMDR, yoga, things that are more somatic and in the body. Um, you know, the, the idea of mindfulness is kind of, you know, all-encompassing, where a lot of these modalities fall under that, whether that's breathwork or things like yoga, dance therapy. I just went to a great conference presentation on, like, drama and theater as therapy. So I think, you know, it's always gonna be individual for each person. Um, healing is a journey, right? And it's trying on different things and seeing what works for you. But just to kind of go back to the heart of the question, you know, when you're in a constant, um, state of potential threat or you're always on edge, you know, your body physically responds, right? Your heart increases, your heart rate. Um, you're just kind of poised to either fight or f- right, flee, or f- or fawn, right, and comply and, and do whatever you can in those moments. And, um, it's a lot to kind of learn that you can just feel calm and grounded in your body. And, you know, for each person, the tools that work for them will be different, which is why I think, you know, advocates and, um, trained therapists are just so important to kind of guide you through that process and introduce you, hopefully, to different, uh, types of tools and techniques. Yeah, great, 'cause I, I can totally relate because, you know, I've been diagnosed with PTSD, but not for any of, like, domestic violence type things. It was a lot different. But I've had that where what I thought was normal, um, like they hooked me up to one of those things to see where my stress level was at, and it just went right off the charts. And so I did all these breathing things, all this stuff, what they were telling me to do, like for five minutes, and I felt great. I'm like, "I think this is much better." I hook myself back up again, and I was off the charts again. And I was like, I, I just got so used to that being normal, but once I did it again for five minutes, 'cause I'm very competitive, so I knew I was gonna win this time, and I worked really hard, but it finally got down a little bit. Um, but over the years it's much easier. It's just when it rears its ugly head from time to time, then it takes me a while to get everything back set. But I think you're right, where I've learned, even for me, just the specific things that work for me, and it may not work for everybody, but you're just finding those other aspects. So no, I was glad that you shared that. Absolutely. Yeah, and it's, you know, ultimately it's training yourself to know, like I'm in the present moment, right? Like the thing that I feel is, is in the room with me right now isn't. It's an imprint of an old experience or an old memory. And so, you know, we're always gonna have triggers, right? Like you, I do as well sometimes, and I've built the skills to recognize when it's happening, and to use something that'll help me just reground and remember I'm in the present moment, and I'm safe, and that threat is not real or here. It's just a little memory that's popping back up throughout my system, and now I know how to, you know, kinda calm it down and put it back into the archives. Yeah, no, it's interesting because I'm very aware as, as well for my triggers and things, and sometimes it just pops up. And so I'll take some deep breaths, and the people around me, if they're not aware of what I'm doing, they're like, "Are you really mad or something?" 'Cause you're j- just doing those deep breaths. And I'm like, "No, no, no, I'm good." You know? Yep. Maybe I'll step outside, whatever it might be, um, different things- Yep like that. But yeah. But now I wanna switch gears a little bit here and kinda offer some things about youth, and um, you talk a lot about, like youth and relationships, and what healthy relationships look like, and sharing some of those red flags perhaps. Could you share some of those things? Absolutely. So, you know, when we talk about something like domestic violence or toxic relationships or emotional abuse, whatever we wanna call it, it occurs across the lifespan, right? Kids are in homes where they see this among family members. You know, it happens to adults. But, you know, I think kind of this unaddressed area, this demographic, is teenagers. Um, the statistics around teens who are in dating violence relationships are extremely high. Um, it outweighs the number of kids who experience bullying. Uh, in the US, one in three teenagers, uh, self-reports, you know, experiencing t- some type of abuse in a dating relationship before they turn 18, um, which is really concerning because, you know, our relationships impact our sense of self, our mental health, our physical wellbeing, our choices, right, how we direct our lives. Um, and as a teenager or an adolescent, you know, your life is so social, so when the people around you are, um, unhealthy or toxic or manipulative, um, those formative years can be forever altered, right? Um, at a time when kids really should just be self-exploring and being their authentic selves. And it's not even just unhealthy dating partners. With all the work that I do, countless students will come up and tell me stories of their best friend kind of checking all of those same boxes. Um, so, you know, what does that look like? Well, again, it's not typically physical. It's often verbal and emotional. It's that, like, very controlling dynamic where there's this one person has all the power and the other just feels like they're trapped or have to say yes to everything or can't say no or, um, you know, there's just a myriad of things. And often when it comes to teens, um, you know, some of the ones that I teach when I give my assemblies or talk to parents You know, very early on there's a lot of isolation. So maybe the new dating partner doesn't like that I have friends of my own, doesn't like that I have these hobbies and extracurriculars that they're not involved in, and kind of slowly but subtly they will distance me from my friends, my family members, um, commitments that I'd normally have. And, you know, behind closed doors I'm kinda dealing with their insecurities about it or whatever they're saying, um, but slowly I'm being cut off, right? So a lot of times parents will kinda see this. Their child's no longer doing the things they used to love, and it could be because of the new partner. Um, you know, a best, a toxic best friend or a toxic dating partner can be very controlling about not just who their friends are, but what they wear, what clubs they can join at school. A big thing these days is technology and, like, devices and being controlling about that. So in the world of youth dating, uh, the new norm is that when you're dating you should share your locations now. It's, like, become so normalized that kids don't realize that they can say no to something like that. So, you know, that becomes a tool for one partner to kind of know where their partner is at all times. And I've heard stories of, you know, a kid being away at a soccer meet, and the bus takes them to get pizza, and the partner's really mad and shows up at the pizza place. And they're saying, "Why are you here?" And, you know, "What are you do-" So there's a lot of location monitoring, uh, demanding access to someone's phone passwords, "Let me see your messages," "Delete all these people on Instagram." And again, a friend can do that stuff, too. And then just, you know, the usual. Lots of mind games and manipulation and belittling and using your insecurities against you to make you feel small. And then often just kind of these extreme behaviors where, you know, one minute's good and then the next minute there's a big fight, and then they apologize, and then it gets better. And, you know, you put all this together and that is a poisonous combination for your mental health, your wellbeing, your physical health. Um, and these things are not, you know, rare. I mean, I tell my story and I share these things, and the kids are nodding their heads and they're pointing at each other and like, "Look at that one," you know? But sadly, these kind of toxic behaviors have just become normalized. Um, so yeah. Yeah, it's huge. It's huge among teens, and I think this is why I like to speak to students. Um, it's also why I think that parents and adults just need to kind of have these conversations as early as possible with young people about what's healthy and what to do if something feels off, right? Yeah, I like what you said where it's things are so normalized on some of these behaviors, and I think that's where people miss a lot of different things going on because they don't know. Um, I think in your work when you kinda help point those things out for them that that becomes a very valuable aspect for that. Are there, like, certain, like... 'Cause I know when people, I, I tell people, like, how do you know if you're in, in, in kind of a abusive relationship at first? And I tell them that you're not gonna know, like, right away. I mean, it, a lot of times they're gonna be charming. They're, they're gonna be buying you flowers. They're gonna be doing whatever. It's just a slowly gradual deal, and sometimes, I don't know if it's, like, testing behaviors or what that they might do where there's just something that goes on that they see how you respond, and they start taking some more ground. But are there some kind of, like, early telltale signs or different things that you have for some of those people out there or younger people where, like, maybe there's something with their gut? I don't know. What have you- what, what might you say about those things or- I think it's hard to tell because some of the potential red flags could also go nowhere, right? We talk often about the concept of being love bombed in the beginning where- Mm-hmm you know, there's words of affirmation and these big showings of affection and maybe an exciting date really early on, or they're already putting you on their social media, right? If you're a kid, that stuff means so much. Um, they might want a relationship really quickly. They're saying, "I've never met anyone like you before." And those are like yellow flags. That's like, all right, that's lovely, but, you know, could be love bombing, so let's just give this time, right? Let's not rush. Um, but those behaviors could show up and someone could be a completely lovely partner, and maybe you spend forever with them. So, you know, I'm often telling kids, like, you know, if you... if your partner is a little bit insecure, if they're a little bit jealous, if they're starting to try to change you or make decisions for you, those are little red flags, and all you do is give it time. And in life, we have to assess every relationship, and we do that on month one. We do that on month six. We do it again on year one because people change, right? That is just the reality. No one's awful in the beginning, otherwise we wouldn't have brought them into our circle. So people change over time, and this is where it takes a lot of social courage and personal courage to maybe have tough conversations when, you know, you start to realize there are real red flags. Um, but we just have to assess over time because you're right, it's, the beginning doesn't always have those clear and obvious red flags that would make all this much easier. Yeah. One thing I've noticed is I've worked with people that were friends. Like, they see a friend who's going through this, and they, they try to talk to them, but it doesn't quite get through. I mean, what... Are there some suggestions, ideas that, that you talk about related to that as far as if they have somebody out there who like, wow, I mean, this friend of mine sh- you know, she or he's in one of these relationships, and how do I talk to them? I don't want to upset them. I don't want to bo- you know, like this, but they really do care about them Mm. Yeah. Um, I get this question a lot, and I think first and foremost, probably a mistake that I hear quite often is people get really frustrated trying to encourage someone to break up, to leave, and they're not listening. And often what happens is it creates a rift in the friendship, and then you're no longer friends. Um, and I get it. It's so hard. It is so devastating to have to bear witness to. But if we as the friend and the loved one do leave, we are supporting what the abusive partner wants, which is to isolate the person they're dating. They love when we're ticked off, and we're done, and we're fed up, and we are out of the picture. So it's important just to stay present, um, and stay patient, and realize that you might not be able to do or say anything. Um, because even if a person knows that they should leave and they're agreeing with you, it doesn't me- mean it's that easy. But I think one little thing that, um, is sometimes helpful is a lot of friends and loved ones will point out all the bad things that they don't like. "I don't like how he does this. I don't like how she does that. They shouldn't be doing this." And any victim is just gonna go on the defense in those moments. They're gonna say, "You don't understand. You don't see it. We're working on it. It's still just an issue with work right now. There's a lot of stress." They will always defend. So stop talking about their partner. Just talk about them. And I think it can be really helpful to get someone to self-reflect on maybe how they're being impacted. So rather than saying, you know, "Your partner shouldn't tell you you can't go to, you know, the art club anymore," say, you know, uh, you know, "You used to love art, and I noticed that you kinda dropped out of the club. Is everything okay?" Or, "Hey, you used to join us every Saturday morning for yoga. Is everything all right?" Get someone to kinda self-reflect because sometimes that's more powerful than pointing out, you know, all those red flags. We should say, "That's a red flag." We should say, "That sounds controlling," but that conversation at a certain point is done, and they're not gonna be receptive to it. And when you know that that's not working anymore, just focus on them, or just stay, stay a steady presence in their life because when that day comes, hopefully they will then turn to you because they're n- they're gonna know that you haven't judged them or are not gonna say, "I told you so." Mm-hmm. Um, you just have to kinda stay patient and present. Now wonderful ideas. And it got me to thinking too, 'cause I asked about like friends when they notice it and how to do that. But it got me thinking where as parents, you know, I mean, are there certain things that they might start noticing or seeing? But then how do they bring that conversation up? 'Cause I know for a lot of teens they'll talk more with their friends than they will with their parents, but not always. But I know as parents you, you begin to see some of that. And there's that line I know for me when, when my kids were younger, you know, that, you know, they started dating and you were like, "I know this isn't the right person for her, but she's gotta figure that out." But I don't think it was like aggressive or controlling, but it was, I think for her it was more smothering, which I didn't think she was gonna really like, but she'd eventually had to figure it out. But what are those things like for parents that they might be able to breach those conversations with people, or what things to look for? Yeah, you're right. I mean, adolescence is one of those ages where now there's a balance between how much you step in, because part of, you know, the form- those formative years is to develop a sense of independence and self-mastery and autonomy and make some mistakes, right? You empower your kids by allow them to make the bad choice sometimes. Um, but anytime we have safety concerns, um, you know, I think parents have a right to step in. And I think what kids need in those moments is, again, not to feel judged. They don't wanna feel like they're being misunderstood, gonna get in trouble, gonna get someone else in trouble. I always tell parents, "If you have concerns, lead with compassion, curiosity, open-ended questions." You know? Just mention something that you've noticed and ask them if, if everything's okay, and just be transparent and honest, um, rather than kind of like disappointed or frustrated or angry with them, which can sometimes be our emotional response. Um, so, you know, I think teenagers really appreciate transparency and honesty, and most importantly, they just never wanna feel judged. And just remembering that kind of when you go into conversations does change your approach in how you show up. But I also think that, um, you know, I think the more we can just have conversations with our kids at an even earlier age, conversations with them when they're teenagers become more natural. You know, if you're somebody who doesn't really have conversations with your child very often, what makes you think that suddenly at 14 they're gonna come open up about some big life issue? So, you know, I'll tell parents, like, maybe your nine-year-old has a new video game, and they're obsessed with it, and you have no idea. You just don't get it. Just ask them about it. Like, spend longer than necessary talking about little, trivial, unimportant things, because they're gonna know you're someone who can talk and who can hold space for a conversation. So, you know, when the big issues later in life show up, hopefully they already kind of have that natural rapport with you. Um, you know, I didn't have a lot of conversations with my parents growing up, and so when those big things did, did happen, I didn't think that I could talk to them about it. The few times I tried to talk to them about life issues, they were very quickly dismissed. So I didn't have kind of that feeling or sense that they'd be helpful. Um, so yeah, we can't start, like, early enough just having those everyday meaningful conversations to set up for, you know, future ones. And I know that you recently wrote a children's book, and it's on, like, boundaries. And so it kind of fits what you were just saying, like we can't have these conversations early enough. I would love to hear more about your book, or at least I know about it, but just to share, kind of to let the listeners know about your book and what kind of led to that and, um, what the information kind of is. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for asking. Um, so it just came out April of this year, 2026, so it's very new at the time of this recording. Um, but it is called A Kids Book About Boundaries, and it's part of a pretty popular existing kids book series. Great collection. Uh, there's books on all kinds of topics, and they're all titled A Kids Book About fill-in-the-blank. Um, racism, neurodivergence, divorce, failure, anger, right? Big emotions. Um, they're just a really great book series, and the books are Designed to kind of spark these early conversations. Uh, the bulk of my work is in schools, and the reason I love it so much is because again, I think prevention starts young, right? I love the response and, you know, best practices in different, um, you know, industries there. But for me, getting ahead of these issues is powerful. So when my speaking agent said, "Hey, would you wanna write a children's book to reach even younger kiddos?" It was an easy yes. Um, because one of the things I believe is that, you know, we don't need to teach a five-year-old about dating violence, but we can teach them about healthy friendships, right? We can take these big topics and boil them down to these foundational life skills. And you know, for me, the concept of having a voice, being able to speak up if something felt off, um, to say the words no to situations that didn't feel right, that didn't exist for me as a teenager. It doesn't exist for a lot of people even as grown adults. So, uh, the book essentially aims to teach kids as young as five years old that in life you have the, you have a right to feel safe, and that you can use your voice and speak up if anything doesn't feel right. And there's really kid-friendly examples in it, like someone takes your toy without asking first, or someone makes jokes about you that you don't really feel that good about or think are funny, right? So just very kid-friendly examples. I put some kind of scripts in there, like, "You can say this," or, "You can say this," so they can start to practice saying, "No thank you," or, "Please ask me first next time." Um, and it teaches them to respect others' boundaries, too. So I'm pretty excited. Um, you know, the book is doing ext- extremely well. I think the title itself is just why the book is doing so well. I mean, I of course feel that I wrote it in a very effective way. But it's a topic that I think people are like, "Yes." Like, "Yes, I, I needed this book when I was five." So, um, yeah, it's been really lovely to kind of share it with my community. It's through Penguin Random House, so it's in all major bookstores if anyone wants to find it. Um, but yeah, it's been a really great experience, and I love being able to reach kids even younger. Yeah, no, I love it because my wife is gonna love this part because she's in early childhood, and she continues. She'll joke with people and say, "If I do my job, then my husband will not have a job," you know? Mm-hmm. Um, but, uh, we were at an event talking about mental health recently, and I was up on a panel, and we kept talking all about this, mainly about adults, this stuff. And she was getting worked up out there, and she finally brought it up as a question. Like, we need to talk about early childhood. And so yes, I think having these conversations, bringing it to younger kids to, uh, let them know about some of those basic stuff, that it begins to build that going into the future. Like the prevention stuff, like you said. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, I mean, hopefully these are, you know, what we would say are preventive factors, but preventative factors, but also protective factors, right? Just the ability to use your voice in life is, is gonna serve you in many different ways. So yeah, I am with your wife, and I, I also would love to, like, put myself out of business. That would be a much better world to live in. But until then, I'll keep I'll keep working. Yeah, no doubt. Yeah. So when we look to kind of get toward the close here, I mean, what are some of the things that you kind of leave people with or some of the, I don't know, your, your top kind of things that you wanna let people know that might be out there kind of struggling with some of the things we talked about today? What do, what do you kind of wanna leave people with? Yeah, I mean, I guess if you're experiencing this, you're certainly not alone. And that might sound like a really cliched response, but it does always feel so isolating, like it's just you. It feels like, I, I used to think my situation is so unique and so complex and no one can understand, and this is just me. But there are people that understand. Um, and you know, you do deserve more. You deserve to feel safe and supported, and that's not just physically safe, that's emotionally safe. Um, and there is another world on the other side of this world that you've been living, as hard as that feels to imagine. But I for one feel that my life has expanded in ways that I never might have experienced otherwise. Because now on the other side of it, I do advocate for myself. I do set strong boundaries, and therefore have healthy people in my life, have experiences that are meaningful. My life was so small that now I live in a bigger, more abundant way. Um, so you know, step one is just starting the conversation with someone, doing so in a safe space. Um, people can help with safety planning. There are resources out there. And then for kind of everybody else, whether you're a parent or you are a teacher, an educator, someone who works with youth or works with victims, um, you're also not alone. And you know, there's resources to support you in, in the strategies and approaches that you should take. Um, and there's also peers and colleagues and communities that you can join to make sure you're also practicing self-care, um, in these spaces too. Because it is difficult navigating, whether it's a loved one or the clients you serve at your job. Um, so you know, we're, we're in this together, and this movement is growing, and it's growing bigger and more public, which is great to see every day. Um, so yeah, never feel like there isn't something out there to support you with whatever you need. Perfect. Yeah. So how can people, like, reach out or kinda get in contact with you or things like that if they need to? Yeah, the easiest thing to do is just to search my name. You will find my website. It's ashleybendixen.com. All of my speaking programs are on there. My kids book is on there. Or you can just search A Kids Book About Boundaries. Um, but if you look up my name, you'll find whatever you need to find. Perfect. Well, I appreciate you coming on. It's been an honor again to visit with you once again. And, um, I just wanna share with all the listeners out there too that having listened to this today, if this kinda hit home for you or you recognize something within yourself or maybe you've somebody else around you, that feel free to share this. You know, feel free to reach out, share this with other people as well. And I'm hoping that a lot of the things we talked about today can help, maybe help that one person out there, as I always say. You know, I'll get in a room of a bunch of people and speak, and it's like I, I can might reach that one person is what I usually look to do, so. Mm-hmm. But no, we're gonna look to wrap up for today. So yes, feel free to share all these things. So with that, stay steady. We're in this together