How to Say the Truth Without Making It Worse | Emotionally Intelligent Communication

If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “That did not land how I thought it would…” - you’re not alone.

In this episode, Sandy Gerber explores why being honest isn’t always enough, and how the way we deliver our message can either open a conversation… or shut it down completely.

Inspired by moments from the show, Shrinking, where characters say exactly what they’re thinking (often hilariously and inappropriately). This episode breaks down what happens when truth is delivered without awareness, and why it creates tension even when the message is accurate.

You’ll learn a simple, practical way to communicate honestly without triggering defensiveness using Sandy’s Honest Sandwich framework to express how you feel without making your listener defensive.

This episode is for anyone who wants to:

• communicate more clearly at work and at home

• handle important conversations with more confidence

• say what’s true in a way people can actually hear

If you’ve got a conversation coming up that matters, this episode will give you a simple way to approach it without overthinking or making it worse.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to the Magnetic Communication Podcast. Have you ever said something and right away thought, yeah, that didn't land how I thought it would? It was true, it made sense in your head, and somehow it still went sideways. Yeah, we're gonna fix that. Welcome to the Magnetic Communication Podcast, where we make emotional intelligence simple, real, and usable. I'm Sandy Gerber, speaker, author, and certified communication and emotional intelligence trainer. I'm here to give you quick tools you can use right now to talk better, lead stronger, and connect deeper. Let's go. I've been watching the show shrinking lately. And first of all, Harrison Ford, right? I mean, I would watch that man read a cereal box and still feel like I learned something about life, leadership, and possibly my own emotional baggage. But in this show, he plays this brilliant psychologist who always says the truth, like very directly and often very inappropriately. And we all laugh because truth, well, truth is funny. Especially when it's happening to someone else and not directed at you across the dinner table. But there's something else happening in those moments that I think is so relatable. He's saying things that are accurate, insightful, sometimes exactly what needs to be said, and they still land terribly. And that's the part that made me pause. Because I've done that, you've done that, we've all done that. Said something that was technically right, and then watched it go completely sideways in real time. You know those moments where you say something and right away you can feel it didn't land the way you meant it to? Like the room doesn't explode, it just shifts. Myself, I've had that happen in meetings where I thought I was being clear and constructive, and halfway through the sentence, I could feel it turning. And there's no graceful exit once you've started. You're in it. You're like, okay, we're finishing this sentence together and dealing with the consequences after. And what's interesting is it's usually not what we said. It's how it landed. See, we've been taught to value honesty. Say what you mean, be direct, don't sugarcoat it. And I still believe honesty matters. But nobody really pulled us aside and said, also, delivery is doing most of the work here. So we end up in one of two patterns. We either hold everything in, overthink it, rehearse it in the shower in the car in bed at 2 a.m., and then say nothing, or we say everything, unfiltered, immediate, with a level of confidence that disappears about two seconds after the words leave our mouth. And then we're left managing a reaction we didn't expect, wondering how something so true created so much tension. A lot of this goes back to how we learned to deal with emotions in the first place. When we were little and we were sad, here's a snack. When you were mad, go to your room. When you're excited, let's bring that down a notch. So now we're adults trying to navigate real conversations with real stakes, and our toolkit is, well, let's call it developing. Which is why watching the show shrinking, it's kind of like watching a highlight reel of what happens when we just say the thing without thinking about how it's going to land. It's hilarious when it's on screen, but it hits a little differently when it's your partner, your colleague, your boss, and now you're replaying it later thinking, why did I say it like that? Most people assume the answer is to say less, or to soften it so much that it barely resembles what they actually meant. That doesn't really work either. The goal is to say what's true, but just in a way that keeps the conversation open instead of shutting it down. So what do you do when something genuinely needs to be said? When you're frustrated or something isn't working or you just need a change? Well, this is where I use a simple structure called the honest sandwich. And yeah, I know it sounds like something you'd order at a cafe, but it works incredibly well in conversations that matter. And it helps you structure what you want to say, and even better, it helps it land. So first you start by saying what you feel. Not what they did wrong, not your closing argument, just what's happening for you. You know, something like, I've been feeling a bit out of the loop, or I'm feeling frustrated with how this is going, or I'm feeling overwhelmed with this timing. Already the tone shifts because you're not coming in hot, you're letting the other person understand your experience. And this truly brings humanity into the conversation. And then you say what you need. Now this is where clarity lives, and where most people unintentionally leave the other person guessing. You'd say something like, I need a bit more visibility on what's happening, I need clearer communication on timelines, I need us to be aligned before we move forward. See, you're not saying, here's what you did wrong. You're saying, here's what I need to do better. And then you give the conversation somewhere to go. This gives the listener direction. So you're gonna tell them what to do next time or going forward. Because without direction, people nod, things feel unresolved, and nothing actually changes. So say something like, can we set a quick weekly check-in? Can we agree on how we'll handle this going forward? Can we revisit this together tomorrow? Now compare that to how most of us say it in the moment. We say something like, You never tell me anything. Again, that might be true, historically accurate, but possibly even documented. But it still doesn't land. See, try saying it instead with this. Hey, I've been feeling out of the loop lately. I need a bit more visibility on what's happening. Can we set a quick weekly check-in going forward? It's really about feel, need, forward. It's the same message, but it's a completely different experience. One puts the other person on the defensive and the other invites them into the solution. And this is what those moments in the show shrinking highlight so well. You see people saying exactly what they think, and you also see the ripple effect of how it lands on the other person, on the relationship, on everything that comes after that moment. It's such a good reminder that communication isn't just about getting something off your chest, it's about whether you what you said actually reached the other person. Or did it just bounce off because of how it was delivered? So the next time you feel that urge to just say it, to get it out, to be direct in the moment, give yourself a second. Not a long dramatic pause, just a beat. Long enough to ask, how do I want this to land? And then give it a little structure. Say what you feel, say what you need, say what's gonna happen next. It won't make every conversation perfect, that's for sure. But it will make it a whole lot more productive and a lot less likely to end with you mentally replaying it later while brushing your teeth. And if you've got a conversation coming up this week that you've been avoiding or overthinking, or maybe even slightly dreading, don't avoid it. Just go in with a better way to say what's already there. Use the honest sandwich to express what you feel without creating defensiveness. And if someone popped into your mind for a conversation you need to have while you were listening to this, you might want to send it to them before you have that conversation. It could turn a moment you're dreading into one that actually brings you closer. See you next week, friend. You know, I really believe the more that we build our emotional intelligence and learn to communicate with intention, the more connection and love we create in the world. If something landed for you today, please pass it on. Share it with a friend, post it, or just start a better conversation. And you can grab tools and training anytime at standygerber.com. And you can find me on Instagram at Standy underscore Gerber underscore official or Connected Conversations HQ. Or over on YouTube at Connected Conversations SG. Let's keep learning to communicate to connect.