Why Communication Feels Hard Right Now: The Hidden Communication Ranking

We have more ways to communicate than ever, yet many people feel less connected than they used to.

Most people don’t realize they’re doing it, but we all have a communication ranking.

Who gets a call.
Who gets a text.
Who hears back right away.
And who you keep meaning to get back to.

In this episode of the Magnetic Communication Podcast, Sandy Gerber introduces the idea of the Hidden Communication Ranking and explores how everyday communication choices quietly shape closeness, distance, and trust in relationships.

Through personal stories, humour, and the voice of "Little Sandy", Sandy reflects on how convenience can slowly replace connection, why voice feels different than text, and how presence matters more than constant availability.

This episode is part of the series "Why Communication Feels Hard Right Now" and invites listeners to notice their communication habits without judgment.

If you’ve ever wondered why some relationships feel deeply connected while others quietly drift, this conversation will help you see your communication choices in a new way.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Magnetic Communication Podcast. I'm Sandy Gerber, and today we're talking about something you're already doing. Choosing who gets your voice, even when you don't realize it. Welcome to the Magnetic Communication Podcast, where we make emotional intelligence simple, real, and usable. I'm Sandy Gerber, speaker, author, and certified communication and emotional intelligence trainer. I'm here to give you quick tools you can use right now to talk better, lead stronger, and connect deeper. Let's go. Holidays are over, and I just want to check in for a second. How many of you are not emotionally prepared to wake up early, be productive, and leave your family for eight hours straight? Some of you might be thinking, I miss them already. And some of you are like, I love them deeply, and I need space immediately. Both can be true. What stood out for me this year wasn't one big moment, it was a quiet noticing. I realized I changed how I communicate with the people I love without ever deciding to. Not because I sat down and decided to change, just because life sped up and habits formed. It just kind of happened. And when I noticed who gets my voice and who gets my text, it brought up more emotion than I expected. And that's where little Sandy showed up. Not dramatically, not loudly, just enough to make me pause. And before I tell you what she said, let me introduce her properly. Little Sandy, well, she's my inner voice. She's the part of me that hasn't learned how to edit yet. She says what adult Sandy tries to smooth over. She's about six years old, she's observant, blunt, and she notices patterns fast and draws conclusions even faster. If you've ever had a thought like, did I do something wrong? Why didn't they answer? Or I guess I'm not that important, well that's little Sandy. She's not insecure, she's honest. She notices the emotional signal before the explanation shows. She just hasn't learned how to explain things away yet. And this year, she noticed something I was busy justifying. We have more ways now to communicate than ever before. Text, FaceTime, voice notes, group chats, DMs, comments, email, and actually being face to face, which somehow feels rarer and more meaningful than it used to. Without meaning to, most of us have built a kind of communication ranking. It's not written down, it's not talked about, it's just lived. Who gets a call, who gets a text, who hears back right away, who we fully intend to get back to and somehow don't. I realized communication for me, it actually follows a matrix, not a rule, not a system, just a reflection of what matters most to me and how I spend my energy. It's based on my priorities and my values and the preferences of the people I love. My husband Chris and I, we really love spending time together. I mean, we really value it. So when we're together, we're together. We don't sit on the phone scrolling while half listening, unless one of us says, hey, I need to take care of something. There's respect there. There's presence. Which also means something else. It means I communicate with everyone else when we're on our own agendas. Between work, later in the day, sometimes the next day. And that means some people hear back from me quickly, some later, some much later. Not because I don't care, because I've chosen presence over constant availability. That part feels aligned to me. And not everyone knows that. What I hadn't fully thought through though was how that feels on the receiving end. From the outside, it can feel like distance, or being less important, or being quietly moved down the list. Little Sandy noticed this before I did. She said, So who gets your voice? Not just any voice, your voice voice. So I want to share a story about my nephew Matt. He's also my godson. And if you know him, you know this. He's loving, he's kind. He's laid back in a way that makes everything feel easier. His smile just warms up any room. And I just think of him and I smile. I still see him as a little four-year-old curled up on my lap at the cottage, early morning, it's super quiet, everyone else is asleep, and we're watching the Lion King, and he's leaning back into me like it was the safest place in the world. It's such a beautiful memory. So on his birthday this year, I texted him. At the time it felt fine, normal, easy. I actually paused and I remember I told myself, he's younger, texting feels normal. This is probably how he prefers to receive the message. And it all made sense in my head. But later that day, little Sandy said quietly, You knew you wanted to call him. And she was right. A few months later, his dad's birthday came around, and without overthinking it, I called him. And he was so happy. I mean, not polite, happy, not appreciative, happy. He was lit up, the kind that says, I feel seen. And that moment stayed with me because a voice does something that text doesn't. A voice feels like effort. A voice feels like being chosen. A voice says, I thought about you and I wanted to hear you. See, we're not bad communicators. We're just humans moving fast, choosing convenience, and telling ourselves stories that keep everything feeling fine. Most of our communication choices happen on autopilot. And little Sandy, she noticed that too. She said, Oh, so some people get picked. Yes, that's it. Every communication choice sends a signal. Not the signal you intend, the one people feel. And this is usually where people turn on themselves. I do it too. Little Sandy asks, Are we bad at this? No. We're human. And when something emotional pops up, our nervous system reacts before our logic does. So when I notice myself spiraling about a text, a pause, or what something might mean, I use a simple breath. Three seconds in through the nose, four seconds out through the mouth. It's nothing fancy. It's just enough to remind my body that I'm safe before my mind fills in the story. Because clarity doesn't come from reacting faster, it comes from settling first. This isn't about fixing your communication. It's about noticing it. This isn't about being available to everyone all the time. That's not realistic. It's not about calling everyone back immediately. And it's not about doing communication right in air quotes. Connection, well, it doesn't work that way. Connection works when we're honest about where our energy actually goes. Just like one of my favorite lines in the P. T. Barnum movie, The Greatest Showman, says you don't need everyone to love you. Just a few good people. It's about choosing depth instead of trying to be everything to everyone. We don't need to be available to everyone all the time. But the people who matter most need to feel it in the way we show up. Sometimes that's time, sometimes that's a voice, and sometimes that's presence. And sometimes it's listening to that quiet little nudge from little Sandy before convenience takes over. So this week, I'm not asking you to change everything. I just want you to notice who do you respond to the fastest? Who gets your voice? Who do you keep meaning to call? And don't judge yourself, don't try and fix it. Just be aware. Because awareness alone creates more connection than any communication app ever will. In our next episode, I'm going to be talking about silence. And this is something I personally have a love-hate relationship with, and definitely my most impactful connected conversation lessons. I'll be sharing why it makes so many of us uncomfortable, why we rush to fill silence, and why learning to sit in silence changed how I communicate more than I ever would expect. Because what we tell ourselves in the quiet, it drives our communication choices and our lives. I can't wait. See you next week. You know, I really believe the more that we build our emotional intelligence and learn to communicate with intention, the more connection and love we create in the world. If something landed for you today, please pass it on. Share it with a friend, post it, or just start a better conversation. And you can grab tools and training anytime at standygerber.com. And you can find me on Instagram at Sandy underscore Gerber underscore official or Connected Conversations HQ. Or over on YouTube at Connected Conversations SG. Let's keep learning to communicate to connect.