Emotional Intelligence: Why You React the Way You Do at Work

You already know emotional intelligence matters at work. But do you know what you actually do when the pressure spikes? In this episode, communication expert Sandy Gerber introduces the Conflict Style Archetype tool - a fast, honest way to identify your default reaction under stress. Because you can't lead others, or yourself, until you understand what takes over when things get hard. One small insight this week could change how every tough conversation goes.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, I'm Sandy Gerber, the host of Magnetic Communication Podcast. And today we're talking about emotional self-control at work. Specifically, a tool that I use in my EQ workshops that's gonna show you who you become under pressure. Because until you know that, you can't change it. Right now, you're probably caring more than you're letting on. It's not just workload, it's the uncertainty. Every week something seems to shift, right? Politically, economically, in leadership. Trust is just dropping. And you're walking into your days with all of that before you've even opened up your laptop. And when you're caring that much, your default conflict style takes over. The version of you that you've never really stopped to examine. The one that shows up when you're tapped out, triggered, or just done. Let's get to it. Welcome to the Magnetic Communication Podcast, where we make emotional intelligence simple, real, and usable. I'm Sandy Gerber, speaker, author, and certified communication and emotional intelligence trainer. I'm here to give you quick tools you can use right now to talk better, lead stronger, and connect deeper. Let's go. If you've been feeling like the pressure is higher than it used to be, like conversations are more charged, or maybe you're shorter with people than you want to be, you're not imagining it. According to DDI's Global Leadership Forecast, 71% of leaders are reporting increased stress, and 40% are actively considering leaving their roles. Not quietly daydreaming about it, but seriously considering it. Trust in managers has dropped from 46% to 29% in just two years. That's not a slow decline, that's a collapse. Two years. There's a term making the rounds right now called quiet cracking. It's different from quiet quitting. Quiet cracking is when employees stay, they show up, they do the work, but something inside them is fracturing slowly. Motivation is eroding, engagement is totally gone, and nobody notices until performance drops and it's already too late. Gallup's 2025 engagement report adds another layer to this. Only 23% of employees worldwide are engaged at work. 23%. That means the vast majority of people sitting in your meetings, on your team, in your organization, they're not fully there. They're physically present and emotionally somewhere else. You've probably felt that too on both sides of it. And in 2026, as AI handles more of the technical work, the human stuff, the stuff I'm so passionate about sharing with you, how you communicate, how you lead, how you hold a team together when everything feels uncertain, that's becoming the differentiator. Not your credentials, not your tools. You. Under sustained pressure, you stop communicating intentionally and you start communicating from habit. Your default conflict style kicks in. The one you've really never examined. The one that's been quietly running the show for years. And I want to say something before we get into the tool because I think it's worth naming. Most people who struggle with emotional self-control at work, they're not difficult people. They're people who've never been shown what their default actually is. So nobody sat you down and said, when you're stressed, this is exactly what you do and this is what it costs you. You just kept doing it in meetings and emails, in the conversations you replay at 2 a.m. wondering why they went sideways. The conflict style archetype tool I'm going to share with you is from my EQ workshops. And the reason it works is simple. The moment you hear your archetype, something clicks. You recognize it. Not as something to be ashamed of, but as something to finally understand about yourself. And that recognition is where emotional self-control actually starts. Okay, so I'll go first. I grew up in a family of six, six people, one dinner table, and approximately zero seconds of airtime if you didn't grab it. If you didn't get your point of view in louder and quicker than everyone else, well, good luck. You just didn't get heard. So I learned early, jump in fast or get left out. And I carried that straight into my personal life and had absolutely no idea I was doing it. I mean, I was a classic interrupter. Classic. That's a word my dad used all the time. I still see him when I say it. And for years I genuinely thought I was being engaged. Like I had ideas, I was excited, I wanted to contribute, so I jumped in constantly. And what I didn't realize was what it was communicating to everyone else. That their idea wasn't worth hearing, that I wasn't actually listening, I was just waiting. And that being in a conversation with me felt like trying to talk in a windstorm. And one person eventually told me, a colleague that I respected, she said, Sandy, you make me not want to share things with you because I never get to finish my thought. And that was not a good moment for me. I mean, it was in one way because I learned about myself and someone gratefully told me what I needed to hear. Because my intention was the complete opposite of my impact, and I had no idea. And that's the thing about your conflict archetype, you can't see it from the inside out. Someone else is always experiencing it more than you are. So let me walk you through the conflict style archetypes. And as I share them, I want you to pick the one or two that sound like you under real pressure. Not on your best day, but your hard days. So first up, there's the interrupter. Now, this is the person who cannot let anyone finish the sentence. They say stuff like, but wait, let me just and you already know this one because I already confessed to it. Six people, one dinner table, zero patience. I didn't just interrupt people at work. I interrupted people mid-thought, mid-breath, mid-blink. I was a menace and I thought I was charming. Then there's the defender. This is the person who turns every conversation into a courtroom. They say stuff like, well, actually, what I meant was they're so focused on being understood that they've completely stopped being able to hear. The explanation becomes the whole conversation. Next is the fixer. This is the person who offers solutions that nobody asked for. Here's what you need to do. And they think they're being helpful. The other person thinks they're not being listened to. They're both right. Then you've got the exploder. This is the person who goes from zero to volcanic in about two seconds. Fine, whatever is what they say. And they say everything, feel better immediately, and have absolutely no idea why everyone else in the room looks like they just survived something. There's the shutdown artist. This is the person who just completely goes silent, like a full withdrawal. The emotional equivalent of taking their ball and going home. Nobody knows what they're thinking, so everyone starts guessing, and guessing never goes well. Then there's the volcano. Now this one's sneaky. This is the person who says nothing, says nothing, says nothing, and then boom, everything comes out at once, at full volume. The silence looked like composure. And it wasn't. It was a pressure cooker with a broken valve. Next is the rephraser. This is the person who spends so long trying to say it better that they never actually say what they mean. The conversation ends. The thing never got said, and then they'll try again next time, and the same thing happens again. And then there's the ghoster. This is the person who disappears completely mid-conflict and resurfaces three days later with a, hey, hope you're good. And the other person has not moved on. The other person has been composing their reply in their head for 72 hours. Then there's the tone corrector. This is the person who ignores the actual issue to focus on how you raised it. It's not what you said, it's your tone. The problem never gets addressed because now you're in a whole separate conversation about delivery. Nothing gets resolved ever. And then there's the historian. This is the person who brings up things that you did in 2009. This is just like the time you forgot my birthday. They collect evidence. The current conflict is now buried under every single previous one. And they're not arguing about today, they're arguing about the entire relationship. Alright, so there you have it. Have you got yours? Maybe two? And if you heard all of those and thought, hey, Sandy, that's not quite exactly mine. Mine's a little different, then I want to know that. Email me and tell me your archetype. I may just add it to my next workshop. So I'd like you to do one small thing this week. Just one. Pick the archetype that resonated most with you and spend this week noticing when it shows up. Not stopping it yet, just noticing it, being aware. Because the moment you see it coming, that split second where you catch yourself about to interrupt or to about to go silent or about to drag in something from 2019, that's the gap. And in that gap is where emotional self-control lives. That gap is where you get to choose. One last thing, friend, before you go, the Magnetic Communication Podcast has been nominated for a Women Podcasters Award in the mindset and mental health category. So if this episode gave you something today and you heard yourself in one of these archetypes, I'd really appreciate your vote. Go to womenpodcasters.com slash magnetic dash communication. It takes 30 seconds and it's gonna make a real difference to this podcast and to the listeners. So go ahead and pick your archetype, watch for it this week, and I'll see you in the next episode. You know, I really believe the more that we build our emotional intelligence and learn to communicate with intention, the more connection and love we create in the world. If something landed for you today, please pass it on. Share it with a friend, post it, or just start a better conversation. And you can grab tools and training anytime at sandygerber.com. And you can find me on Instagram at Sandy underscore Gerber underscore official or Connected Conversations HQ. Or over on YouTube at Connected Conversations SG. Let's keep learning to communicate to connect.