What Your Hands Are Saying (When You Think You're Just Talking)

Sandy once turned down a business proposal based entirely on a hand gesture.

Good numbers. Solid pitch. She still walked away because something his hands were doing told her more than everything he said.

The most popular post on her website is called 7 Hand Gesture Body Language Tips to Influence Communication. Hundreds of downloads, keeps finding new people, because we all have this quiet feeling that our hands are doing something in conversations we're not totally in control of. And we want to know what.

So that's this episode. Seven gestures, what they actually signal, what they might be quietly costing you, and what to do about it. Plus Sandy will tell you exactly what that salesperson's hands were doing.

Your hands are in every conversation you have. This episode is about knowing what they're saying.

Transcript

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Okay, so I have to start by sharing a confession. I once turned down a business proposal based entirely on a hand gesture. Yeah. Good numbers, and it was a solid pitch, but I still walked away. Something their hands were doing told me more than anything they said. I'll tell you exactly what it was. Stay with me. Welcome to the Magnetic Communication Podcast, where we make emotional intelligence simple, real, and usable. I'm Sandy Gerber, speaker, author, and certified communication and emotional intelligence trainer. I'm here to give you quick tools you can use right now to talk better, lead stronger, and connect deeper. Let's go. Welcome back to the Magnetic Communication Podcast. I'm Sandy Gerber. And before I get into today's episode, I just want to say I'm not a body language researcher, I'm not an FBI agent, and I don't have a doctorate in nonverbal communication. But what I do have is an insatiable curiosity. I mean, seriously, I'm like a three-year-old. Why, why, why? And I love creating an experience with people. So I'm always asking why. Because I want to go deeper in our conversation to create a memorable moment. And so I always ask why. So when I was 12, I snuck a body language book out of my mom's psychology library. And I wasn't academically motivated. Oh boy, no. There were girls at the lockers across from mine at school, and I could not crack what they were signaling to each other. And I needed to know. See, that curiosity came up even then. And that was the whole reason that I started looking into body language. Now that book completely changed me in the best way. Because once you start seeing this stuff, you can't unsee it. And over the years I've been testing and deciphering these cues as a trainer working with leaders, as an executive who's been read while she was reading everyone else, as a mother trying to figure out what her kids weren't saying out loud, and as an entrepreneur who's watched a lot of handshakes and pitches and first meetings play out in real time. You pick things up. You notice what works, you notice what quietly costs people without them ever knowing it. Even one small connection cue, just one, can completely shift the feeling of a conversation. And that's all I want for you today. One connection cue you walk away with and actually use. So that's today's episode. I'm pulling straight from that post. I'm adding some stories and some context, of course, and we're going to walk through seven hand gestures, what they signal, what they might be costing you, and what to do about it. And I'll tell you about the salesperson, I promise. Let's start with number one. So you want to watch for palm positions. So this is the one that changed how I present. I always begin my keynotes now with open palms. When palms are visible, like facing up or out, it reads as honesty. Nobody consciously decides to show their palms when they're telling the truth. It just happens. And the person across from you picks it up, even if they've never been able to explain why they suddenly trust you a little more. Hidden palms, you know, when they're tucked under a table, folded in or angled down, they register as something's off. It's not a loud alarm, more like a low hum. Like I'm not totally sure about this person. Palm facing down is a dominance move. Used deliberately, it can project authority. If it's overused though, it tips into controlling. And the pointed finger, I know it feels decisive, but it almost always lands as aggressive. So find another way, stop pointing your fingers. Number two is rubbing your palms together. So that shows pure excitement and positive anticipation. And you know when you see it, you know, the MC doing a quick rub before they bring someone out, the kid before they open a present. But the speed of your rubbing your palms together really matters, and people don't know this. So if it's fast, like if you're rubbing fast, then you're about to benefit from what's coming. And you know what's wild? When I get excited, little Sandy pops up and starts clapping her hands really fast. I can't even stop it. It just happens so naturally. When you see a slow rub, that means that people read that as I'm about to benefit, meaning they're gonna benefit, not you. Which means slow palm rubbing in a pitch or negotiation. That reads as a little slimy, even when you mean absolutely nothing by it. And I had no idea about this for years. I thought about every slow hand rub I've ever done in a sales conversation, and I cringed a little. Now you know too. Number three is your handshake position. So there's three positions, and they're three completely different first impressions. And the whole thing happens in about two seconds, which is a lot of pressure for a handshake. Here we go. Palm down as you reach out, so your palm is actually facing towards the floor, you're asserting dominance. So the other person doesn't consciously register it, but they feel managed. Something in them goes, hmm. If your palm is up when you're going to shake a hand, that's kind of like deference. You're giving the power over to that person. Sometimes that's the right read, you know, it depends who you're meeting with, not always. And this is one that's the best. The best way to do it is to have a vertical palm, equal to equal. So there's no game being played. Your palm is vertical. That's actually where most solid working relationships start. Just two people who feel like they're on the same page. It's worth saying that, of course, physical conditions affect all of this, and these are just cues, right? You've got to look at the big picture, like sweaty hands, injuries, cultural differences. You're reading a cluster of signals. You're not making a final verdict from one handshake. Context matters. Number four, when your hands are clasped behind your back. So try this one before you walk into something hard. A presentation you're nervous about or a conversation that you might have been dreading, a room where you need to project calm and you don't really feel it yet. Your hands are clasped behind your back, head up, chin slightly forward, and your chest is open. You're making yourself a little vulnerable on purpose. And the signal it sends is I've got nothing to hide. Now watch for this variation in yourself. If your hand creeps up and grabs your wrist instead of your other hand, that's actually a frustration signal. Like one arm is literally holding the other one back. That's where the phrase get a grip comes from, by the way. The fix is moving to palm in palm behind your back. It's really calming. I use it before I walk on stage. Try it next time you're in the hallway before a hard meeting. Number five, clenched hands. Now this one looks like composure, but it's not. Tightly clasped hands, even paired with a smile, are almost always sitting on top of a negative emotion. Someone's feeling frustration, resistance, stress. The hands are where it's landing because there's nowhere else for it to go. The higher the hands sit, the stronger the charge underneath. So if you spot this in someone you're talking to, they're not fully with you. Something landed wrong and they haven't said it. So don't call it out, of course. Just slow down, get curious, and give them somewhere to go with it. Number six is thumb display. Okay, so this one gets me every time because people have no idea they're doing it. So thumbs tucked into the belt loops or jacket lapels, hands hanging loose, what that means is superiority. It's a little arrogance, sometimes a lot. Thumbs sticking out from pockets, that looks like you're trying to look confident without looking like you're trying. The trying is completely visible, which defeats the whole thing. And thumb pointing at someone nearby, you know the move, usually comes with a half laugh. That's dismissal. It's contempt dressed up as a joke. I hate this one. The person doing it almost never knows how it lands. The person receiving it always does. And arms crossed with your thumbs pointing up, well, that's defensive and superior at the same time. The arms say I'm closed, the thumbs say I think I'm better than you. And that combo tends to shut conversations down fast. Okay, and number seven, our last one is steepled hands. That's when your fingertips are touching lightly and they're forming a steeple. And this really signals confidence. It's that the person's considering something, thinking about something. People who use this gesture tend to read as credible and composed, like they know something and they're deciding whether to share it. Raise steeple at the chest level while you're speaking, that means I have a perspective and I'm putting it on the table. And this works really well. And you tilt it back with your chin up and then you've tipped into arrogance. So be very careful there, it's a fine line. A lowered steeple around the waist while you're listening, that means I'm really taking this in. And women use this one more than men do. It's quiet, it's actually quite powerful. One thing, steepling only reads well when it follows open, warm gestures. If it comes after crossed arms and a frown, it just looks like someone doubling down on being difficult. Okay, and I promised you the salesperson. His palms were hidden almost the entire pitch. And when they did appear, they were angled down, and he was smooth, his numbers made sense on paper, and yet something in me kept saying, he's not telling me the truth. I couldn't name it in the moment, I just knew. And that's what body language does when it's working. We pick up these signals before we've consciously processed a single word. Most of our read on a person is formed in the first 90 seconds of connecting with them, before the credentials, before the explanation gets going. Your hands are in those 90 seconds every time, so it's worth knowing what they're up to. So pick one thing from today, just one. Maybe you try open palms in your next conversation. Maybe pay attention to the positioning of your handshake. Maybe you spot the clenched hands across the table and get curious instead of frustrated. Your hands have been in every conversation you've ever had. They're going to be in the next one too. You might as well know what they're saying. I'll see you next week, friend. You know, I really believe the more that we build our emotional intelligence and learn to communicate with intention, the more connection and love we create in the world. If something landed for you today, please pass it on. Share it with a friend, post it, or just start a better conversation. And you can grab tools and training anytime at standygerber.com. And you can find me on Instagram at Standy underscore Gerber underscore official or Connected Conversations HQ. Or over on YouTube at Connected Conversations SG. Let's keep learning to communicate to connect.