The Mental Load

In this episode, we dive into the often invisible “mental load” that mothers carry every day—the constant planning, remembering, organizing, and emotional balancing that keeps families running. From managing schedules and anticipating needs to shouldering the unseen responsibility of care, we explore why this cognitive labor is so heavy, why it so often goes unrecognized, and how it impacts well-being. Join us for an honest conversation about the pressures moms face and what it takes to create more balance, support, and understanding.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Hey everyone, my name's Amber, and we are doing a special Mother's Day podcast. And I am here with some incredible women who are all in different seasons of motherhood. And this is just going to be a conversation about struggles, you know, the wins, the fails, the load we carry, and hopefully through our conversation we can help one or two other moms out there. So if you're listening to this while folding laundry, sitting in the school pickup line, hiding in the bathroom for a little break, we welcome all of you. So before we start, I just want to take a moment for each of the moms that are sitting here with me to introduce themselves and tell us what stage of motherhood they are in. So hello, ladies. Welcome. So let's start over here with Crystal.

SPEAKER_04 1:01

Hi, so I am Crystal Rushing, and I have two kiddos. Um, my oldest is 12, going on 13, and my youngest is four. He'll be five soon. So that's two completely opposite sides of the spectrum there. Um, going into a teenage phase and the other one going into kindergarten. So it's a lot of learning and growing pains along the way.

SPEAKER_02 1:24

Okay. Hi, my name is Sarah. I have uh three kids. My daughter is 21, I have a 19-year-old son, and then my baby is 17, and he is a boy.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

Hello everyone. I am Kira, and I have two boys. One is a man, he's 20, and my youngest has a six-year gap. So we got a 14-year-old going into high school. So that's where we're at.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Okay, so we we got some teenagers, we so have some adults, we got little ones, and uh I have four and three girls and a boy, and they are all adults now, aging uh 32 to 20. So I've got all different stages, married, college, engaged, uh, working on a career. So I'm at that, I hate to say the word, um, the ending, but we know it's never an ending, right? Um, so before we talk and dive into this first topic, we're gonna be talking about the invisible load. I just want to kind of break the ice with um for all of us as we're so we can kind of, I don't know, laugh. I love to laugh, laugh a little bit. I want you to tell me one major mom fail that you can remember. And it can be funny. If you want me to, I can start with mine. Um I uh one of my biggest fails has probably been giving my kids advice when they are in the middle of an argument with a friend, or you know, when we're going through those dating years, and I remember vividly my daughter came in, one of my daughters came in and said, Mom, they said blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you know, she starts going through everything. And I said, Well, you should say, and then I not realizing, right, that she is texting. And then I went, oh, wait, no, no, no, don't do that, don't do that. And she's like, Mom, it's too old. Because it was one of those moments, right? That you're you're a mom and you're I'm immediately flashed back to being a teenager myself. And I went, Well, I would have said this. Of course, that was before I had a relationship with the Lord. You know, I was just like, This is I'm gonna give it to him. And of I inevitably made it worse. And I had to help her backtrack out of it. And hopefully the mom didn't find out exactly what my daughter said, but she never did. But that was probably one of the most memorable. And she still talks about it to this day. It still comes up in family conversations. So, yes, that's my one one mom fail. This one. Anybody else come to mind?

SPEAKER_02 4:14

I have one. So when my kids were little, they were probably all under 10. Um, and I was homeschooling and working from home. Um, so it was a lot and it was very stressful. And I remember I had asked them multiple times to pick up their things off of the kitchen table and take it wherever it goes because that was where we did everything. We did school there, I did work there, we just and it was cluttered, and I my brain couldn't handle it anymore. And I'm not an angry person, I don't lose my cool very much, but something about that day, and they just hadn't done it, and I'd asked three or four times, and I finally just wiped that whole kitchen table with my arm, and everything goes flying everywhere, and they're all just standing there in complete shock, looking at me like she has lost it. Yeah, yeah, and they weren't used to that from me, so they were shocked. And I just said, I need you to get your things, I'm gonna go in my room for a minute. So I go in my room and I'm like immediately guilty, feeling so bad that I'd done that. And the next thing I know, they knock on my door and I open it, and one of them has a cup of coffee that they had made for me. And I think one of them had written like a little note, like, I'm so sorry, or whatever, which of course made me feel worse because now they're comfying me for something that I had done. But yeah, that's a pretty they still bring that one up. They love to laugh about that one.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

Yeah, mine's a bit on uh maybe another plane. I don't know if it's sad, pathetic. I I don't know where this story like lands, but I um I don't have the greatest memory, y'all. I I don't. And um, you know, thank god for my husband, but because he picks up where I drop this um happened. They were not around. Um, not that I think they could have corrected me, because they'll y'all understand when I tell you this story. So talking to actually I don't remember who exactly I was talking to, but the story came up about you know birthing, you know, and I am sharing, it might have been one of y'all, if it is, I'm about to expose myself. But um, you know, I'm talking and then someone shared that their child was premature. And somehow in my mind, I was like, yeah, mine was too. My oldest is premature, da da da da, three months early, was supposed to be born in December, da da da, and I leave, and I'm driving home, and I'm like, Kira, that's that's you, you were premature. I got all so my youngest was supposed to be born in December, he was late, so he's January. But I got all our stories crossed, and I'm like, what kind of mom to like make inadvertently lie about my child's birth? Oh my god. What is happening? But anyway, I brain cells were all mixed up, and I was like, that's just the height of mom fail. But but at that moment, you're like, you lived in it. I lied. You lived in, I was there, yeah. And I'm like, nope, Kira, that's your story. You were premature. Three months early. That's yeah, anyway. So I'm sorry to whoever I lied to. I didn't know it was mine in the moment.

SPEAKER_04 7:39

Um, one of the biggest mom fails that I still remember to this day, and I'm still kind of like cringy about it. Um, I went on a field trip with my oldest uh to Camp Crystal. And you guys know that's like an overnight trip and stuff. And I wanted to go just for myself because I'm from Miami. We don't have trips like that, like camping, what is that? Um, but I went and the whole time I'm like, yeah, I'm the cool mom, like you know, making friends with the kids and making jokes here and there. Um, and then at one point, one of the kids said something to my oldest, and he came up to me. He's like, Mom, you are embarrassing me. Please stop.

SPEAKER_03 8:18

And I'm like, I just I'm just trying to have fun with your friends. I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_04 8:24

Um, and then towards the end, you know, he was he was fine, but like that moment I was like, Oh, let me reel it back in just a little bit. Let me be a mom. Um, but yeah, and so now every field trip, I'm like, do you want me to go with you? Are you sure? Like, let me know if not.

SPEAKER_00 8:42

I promise I'll behave.

SPEAKER_04 8:44

Literally, and then as he's going into this teenage stage, you know, girls are like a thing now. And so I'm like, I won't embarrass you again, buddy. I promise, I promise. Uh, but yeah, that was that was fun, that was interesting.

SPEAKER_00 8:55

That's funny. I I stopped making that promise to my kids because I just figure at some point I will embarrass you. And you know what? It just is what it is. So yeah, kids. Well, good. I know we could probably sit here for hours telling all the different stories, but that's just great. Um, you know, we're all just normal out here trying to make it trying to make it doing our best.

SPEAKER_04 9:17

Trying to do our best. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 9:19

So we're gonna talk about the invisible load. You know, what is that? You know, we say as moms, we say it as moms, right? And like I can say it, I can hear it, I identify with it, and I'm like, yes. But then I'm like, how do I put that into words? Right? How do you how do you go about saying, yes, there is a load that people don't see that we carry? So when all of you hear that, is there something specific that maybe comes to your mind when somebody says, you know, as a mom, I'm just really feeling this right now. And um can you put it into words?

SPEAKER_04 9:59

I think the biggest thing is just remembering, thinking about all the things is you know, the load that we carry. Um it's just a lot, right? And and you know, men, no offense. We love y'all. Um but they just don't think about things a lot. They're just going with the flow. And as parents, especially if you're a parent of plus one and more, um it's just a lot. You're thinking about the scheduling, you're thinking about what we're cooking, you're thinking about, you know, are the kids mentally stable? Like, am I mentally stable to begin with the kids? Um and it's just like an ongoing process. And I want to say daily, but it feels like five times a day. It's just, oh, our minds are just always running, running, running and thinking about what's next, what did we miss, you know, what is happening five months from now. Um, and that's for me is the invisible load that I think a lot of us carry.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

Thank God the calendars.

SPEAKER_05 11:03

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:03

Um I for me when I hear the term invisible load, um, I don't know if I I ascribe to the idea that um moms are the only ones that kind of like experience that. But what comes to mind in terms of the invisible load is that all of us are walking around having an experience that all doesn't always get communicated outwardly. Um and so there are things that we're thinking about, things that we're processing, things we're interpreting interpreting, interpreting that um really is all it's all in your it's all in your head, right? And unless you have an outlet to express or to explain or to um communicate. Yeah, communicate, it just goes unseen, right? And that's it, it can be really heavy to be all up in your head all the time.

SPEAKER_02 12:02

Yeah, like Crystal was saying, with the you know, kind of running in the back of your mind, I feel like for me that's kind of how it's always been, where you have this internal, you know, processing of do we have milk? Have they been to the doctor this year? Do they know how to tie their shoes? Like I mean everything, right? Anything and everything. And it's always there. And it's you know, it's doesn't shut off for me at least, no matter how old my kids get. I mean, they're adults now, and it's still there. It's still, is she gonna get up in time for work? Is you know what I mean? So it doesn't matter. They do their taxes. I know, right? I did their taxes. Okay, that was covered. Yeah. But I think it's something with at least in my experience, that you know, I don't know if as women we just think about more when it comes to life as far as the organization of everything and the scheduling and and all of that. Um, but I think for me, it has just been something that I've always done. And then, like Kira was saying, when you don't communicate it, it just kind of builds up. And then I haven't communicated it, and all of a sudden I'm blowing up about the fact that somebody asked me what was for dinner, right? And then everybody around me is like, what is happening? Why are you mad? So I think it's something that's definitely an issue that I think only in the last couple of years that we've even heard about. Because when my kids were really little, this was not even a term, right? Nobody knew uh what to call it, and I think we all experienced it, but I I don't think anybody knew what to do with it. So I'm really glad that this is a conversation that's being had now because maybe we can help out, you know, people who are experiencing it and not really sure what's going on.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

Right, right. And I think sometimes people don't want to know either. You know, there's some like I just don't you you don't you seem to be having your thing over there and I'm just gonna let you be. So and I think that's that's true. So you know, from and I feel the same way, right? Um, even though my kids are older now, I remember those days of the scheduling and the the planning and anticipating needs. And um, I remember thinking, I can't wait when they were really little. I can't wait for them to to get older. I'm so tired now, it's gonna be so much easier. And you know you're all are laughing. Um, because now everything that we're talking about, it's all mental. Everything it's that thinking, it's is trying to be one step ahead of them, especially if you have that that boy toddler that you know is fearless and and all of those things. You so you um it's exhausting, and I think nobody realize realizes how exhausting and like mental exhausting it is. I I knew I thought it was all physical, like I would only be physically tired. I didn't realize that the whole process of what you hold in your brain would weigh you down. Yeah, so heavy.

SPEAKER_04 15:21

It's mentally exhausting, and then you feel it in your body because your brain just can't hold it all. Yeah, it's a lot.

SPEAKER_00 15:28

I just yes. So um, so let's try to take a little bit of a little, a little shift, not much, but um, so we I know Kiri, you had said that it's it's not always just like the mom that carries it, right? But it tends to feel that way sometimes. Um, and it also depends on your family dynamics, and so I think the answers to this are gonna be a little bit different. But I was um, I read an article recently that I I identified with. So it was a husband and wife, both work full-time. Husband is helpful, you know, cleans, cooks. Hallelujah. I am blessed with a husband that loves to cook. Um, caring, didn't look at spending time with um the kids as babysitting, you know, like this is spending time with my kids. Um, but the mom still had meltdowns every couple of months. And um, you know, why am I the those meltdowns? And I know none of you are gonna be able to identify with this, you know, why am I the only one picking up the shoes lying around the house? There's a wattel on the floor. How come nobody saw that the dog doesn't have any food? There's no more milk, you know, and you just have this meltdown, and and where everybody is looking at you like you have grown seven heads on top of you, right? And um, and I I remember those meltdowns, and I know they could be rough. They're rough on my kids, they're rough on my husband. And some of them, I had some valid arguments, right? But mostly I knew I was just worn out. And um, I think of Mary Poppins when she said, You can't see past the end of your nose, right? All I could see was what I was dealing with, what was in my mind. So depending on your family dynamic, and we're all we all are are different. Can you relate to any of that? Am I all alone here?

SPEAKER_04 17:17

Oh, absolutely. Me and my husband just had a really big deep conversation about that, just because you know, it is a lot, and what I realize is that I'm giving a hundred percent to my job, a hundred percent to my kids, and then you come home exhausted and you start hitting on them like a punching bag. Yeah, and it's just like they they don't know, like we just said, we have to communicate these things, we can't just expect them to know to pick up the shoes because you've only said it once or twice. Like it's a routine, it's it's teaching them, um, training them honestly, the way you think, because they don't know, they can't read our minds. Um but they should, they should, right? But yeah, it's a process, it's a learning process. Um, and it takes a lot of patience.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

Oh, a lot of patience, keyword the keyword I think too, it's an expectation. Um, I know for me, it's well, I see it. How am I the only one? Like I everybody else should be able to see this. So it's that uh just build that up like like you said, communicating and telling.

SPEAKER_02 18:27

But yeah, I agree. I think it's a lot of communication. Um, I know that my husband and I have had uh a lot of conversations about expectations, and so if if I have an expect expectation that I haven't communicated, I am often very frustrated because that hasn't been met, but I haven't communicated it. And the same goes for him. And so we'll get into these moments where we're arguing about something or we're just on totally different pages, and we're like, how did we get here? And we're on totally different pages. I don't understand. And then we kind of walk it back and like, okay, well, I thought this was gonna happen, I thought that was gonna happen. And so I think it the key to all of this is communication, but I also feel like uh there is accountability too. I think you know, you can say so many times, please get I need this to get done. Can someone help me with this? And if you have to ask every single time, at some point it needs to be uh, you know, a responsibility on somebody else to maybe try to anticipate needs just like I do all the time. And so I think um, you know, I for years I held it all in, didn't say anything, and I would get so frustrated. And then I would be and I would, you know, lose it, like Amber was saying. And then it would be like, okay, let us know what you need to do, make me a list, and all and that used to infuriate me because you're giving me more work. I was just gonna say this. Now I have to put on the list, yeah, back up and do more work so that I can give you work to do. Like, I'm not the manager here, I'm not the CEO of this house where I'm delegating tasks. Like these are tasks that, especially when the kids get older, everybody can do. And so I feel like it's really important to yes, communicate, but also have these conversations over and over again of like, okay, this is how I think, this is what I'm thinking of. I'm not expecting you to read my mind, but I also am not gonna give you a step-by-step list. Right. And I think it's unfair for you to expect that of me. Yeah. Because that's more work. And I think it takes a lot of, it's not one conversation for them to understand what mental load means. Because I don't think when you have one person in the family that manages all of that and thinks of all of that, the other people in the family don't because they don't need to. And so I think that they need to understand that that's even a thing before we can start fixing it. Because you can't fix something if you don't understand it. Right. So I know in my experience that it's been uh years of conversations of uh communication and you know, expectations and things like that. Cause you don't want I the thing that I don't want is for my kids to move on with their lives and then you know, when they're older and they're in relationships and they have families to be going through this too, because I I want them to have learned this when they live with us so that they are contributing in a fair way to their family, and but that at the same time, if someone is carrying the mental load that they're able to effectively communicate to their family about it, yeah, and not have to take so long to to figure it all out. Right, right. Or do it on their own, yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah, because the work of figuring the mental load out is work too. Oh gosh, just processing it. Unpacking it. Yeah, it is a lot to unpack.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

So Yeah, I can remember I think uh having a day where like if anybody just asks me one more question, I think I might just lose it.

SPEAKER_04 22:10

There's lots of those.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

It's just even if it's a yes or no answer, I might I don't want another question. Like somebody figure it out. Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:18

Especially if it's a question that that you could have very easily answered yourself. Like, do we have any milk? You walked through the kitchen to come ask me that right for go back into the kitchen and open the refrigerator and you see if we have any milk.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Yeah. And then it was even more exhausting just having that conversation than just to get up and just go look.

SPEAKER_02 22:36

And that's where it ends a lot of the time where you're like, I'll just do it myself. Right. Because now I'm gonna have to have another conversation about the mental load and about how why did you come in here and ask me if we have milk? If you walk through the refrigerator, like it's just it's exhausting. And that's where a lot of a lot of the time I've just picked it back up because I'm like, this is easier. Yeah to just do it myself. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:59

I think another frustrating thing is just repeating yourself. It's not really hard. I've already said it's on first of all the calendar, right? I know Kira, you brought that up. Every single thing is on the calendar. Why are you asking me two or three times, what are we doing today? What is this? It's on the calendar. You beg me to fill out the calendar. Come on. And then it's just, I know my my oldest does this a lot, but he'll be like, Mom, you said we were gonna go to the store at five, right? When are we going? You just answered your kid. Why are you making me think about this all over again?

SPEAKER_01 23:35

Like, come on, just get it together. I said I was gonna get a shirt that says you're not listening to your name. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 23:44

I I think there is a study that that women actually do say more words than men. I've seen it. And I think it's because we're always repeating ourselves.

SPEAKER_04 23:53

It drives me crazy.

SPEAKER_00 23:56

It's not because we want to be chatty. I mean, we are more chatty, but but we do tend to have to repeat ourselves a lot. You know, I I got to the point with my kids where actually a friend of mine taught me this where her daughter was asking her repeatedly over and over again, and her response was, I already gave you the answer. I was like, oh, that's so good. Yeah it didn't always work, right? Because the kids would come back and they somehow they would just forget. They would remember that snack time or whatever, they're gonna have brownies. Selective memory. Selective memory, selective hearing.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

Yeah, they can forget something that you said you would do two months ago, but they can't remember cleaner room, right?

SPEAKER_04 24:39

Or the chores that they're supposed to do every single day.

SPEAKER_00 24:42

Every day, right that part. If you could give one piece of advice to a mom who is in a similar stage as you, you know, think about your dynamics of where your kids are now. What would you give them? You know, after everything we just talked about with the mental load and and the calendars and everything that goes with it, what was what do you think if you could look back and tell yourself something later, what would you what kind of advice would you give?

SPEAKER_02 25:13

If I could go back and tell myself something, I I really wouldn't have anything to do with mental load. I would tell myself, do not compare yourself to anybody else or your situation, especially with social media. You see the best of what everybody's putting out. And I've never been much of like a poster. I'm more of like a stalker or just an observer on social media. It's a little bit about just watching those friends. Give me a name and a statement of everything you mean in the 18 minutes. Um but I think it that was hard for me because I am drowning in my own life. And all I'm seeing, because you know, as a young mom, especially when you have I had three kids under four years old. Uh, that was really tough, especially when they're toddlers. That I mean, you just you're surviving day to day. And I felt isolated because I was isolated. You know, I I mean it was impossible to get out of the house with three kids. Um, so the only thing I really had to look at was social media and how people were presenting their lives. And I I think I unfairly put a lot of pressure on myself to maybe measure up or be better because these people seem to be doing better. And if I could go back, I would just be like, you're doing the best you can. Yeah, you're not perfect, you're not gonna be perfect, right? Right, but give yourself a break, like give yourself some some grace because I was just about to chime in and say grace is so important, grace is so important, and if I were to go back and give myself some advice, I try to take it now.

SPEAKER_01 26:56

Not every battle needs to be fought, right? Sometimes you could just let some things lie, like the room's not clean. Okay, that's good advice from working on that one, and it provides you with some peace. Um yeah, yeah, it'll be okay. They are alive, that is like your number one like job, keep them alive. It's checked off, like sometimes it's just not even worth it, for real, you know. So that's advice I would give myself.

SPEAKER_04 27:29

Some advice that I would share is kind of like a two-parter here, but um definitely give yourself grace for sure, but rest. Like, just find a time to rest. And I say this all the time like, take an extra 10 minutes in the shower, go for a walk once a week. Just pour into yourself, and I need to do this more myself, but pour into yourself so that you can be a hundred percent for your kids, for your family. Um because it takes a lot, right? It's a mental load, and and and if you don't pour into yourself, it's just yeah, you can't go anywhere with that. Um and then again, just setting the expectation, like communicating the calendar, you know, just and one thing I'm working on too is communicating with my kids, not just my partner. Um, and that comes with, of course, lots of questions and hey mom, you said this, but at least they know what I'm thinking, um, and it kind of helps the situation. So yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:32

And kids can do a lot more than we give them credit for. Oh, yes, because I remember when mine were little, um my husband and I gave them chores very young. And I remember having a conversation with him and thinking about it, like, are we sure that they're old enough to be doing this? I feel like it's a lot. And he was like, No, they need to learn how to contribute to a family and be part of something that you're not just existing in. And I think that's really important because now my kids might not always do it well, but they know how to clean a bathroom and they know how to do the dishes, and they all know how to do their own laundry. And those are things that if you teach them those skills early when it comes to mental load, you can put that back on them. Because when they leave, you're not gonna go over their house and do their laundry and you're not gonna, you know, wake them up for their job. Right. It's their responsibility. And so I think that giving them responsibility and it's gonna take years of reminding them and showing them and modeling it, but ultimately I mean, I think that when you kind of delegate those kind of things, it does help you because, like you were saying, rest and you know, uh take time for yourself. Yeah, you it's really hard to do that when you're doing everything and you're watching everybody else in your family hanging out, and then you're gonna get resentful because you're like, you guys are just hanging out. And then you have their meltdown. It's exactly right.

SPEAKER_01 29:59

And you know, going as you were talking, what came to mind is sometimes society places these expectations on you and your family about what's like supposed to happen. Because I remember I remember like the same, my kids' laundry. Like, if you if you can reach it, you can put some clothes in. Like, that's my thought. But I have heard from people, family, um, friends, like you you let your kids do do that, or they should just be kids. And I'm like, well, you know, this is how they can contribute, they can, why not? Um, but you can get caught up in other people's expectations for what's right for you and your family. So if I were to kind of add on to advice, it's like do what's right for your household, yes.