MOM GUILT

Mom guilt is that quiet, persistent voice telling mothers they’re never quite doing enough—or doing it right. It shows up in the small moments, like missing a school event, and the big ones, like balancing career and family. Fueled by societal expectations and internal pressure, it can make even the most devoted moms question themselves. But at its core, mom guilt reflects how deeply mothers care—and learning to manage it starts with giving themselves the same compassion they so freely give to everyone else.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:11

We are here on episode two, and we're going to be talking about mom guilt. You know, mom guilt, those opinions about everything, right? Working too much, not working enough. House isn't clean enough. House is too clean. Love being a mom, but also missing the life you had before kids. It can go on and on. So today we're going to call it out and we're going to just have some another raw conversation about it. I'm excited because I'm here again with Sarah, Kira, and Crystal. And man, you you all had some great advice on the invisible load and what that looks like and how you work through it and even given some advice to other moms. And, you know, if you were to talk to yourself, your younger self again. So I'm really excited now to talk about this dreaded mom guilt. So welcome back, ladies. Hey.

SPEAKER_04 1:03

Hello.

SPEAKER_03 1:05

So let how about we just go, let's just jump right in. Let's just let's just dive into this because I know this is something I think every mom can identify with. So that mom guilt, none of you have experienced that, have you? No, not at all. Is mom guilt?

SPEAKER_00 1:24

What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_03 1:25

Well, all right. So let's talk about this. So, all right, I say that mom guilt. All right. What what does that sound like to you? Like you think mom guilt, is there one or two things that pop into your mind that, like, wow, yep, that's something I feel all the time.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Mm-hmm. Yes. Yes, just all the time. In every season that my children have. Because you know, at first it's are they walking, you know, as quickly as they should? Should I have been doing something else? If they make a mistake, I mean, is that my fault? Should I have, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's a running narrative all the time that I have of every mistake that I've made and how it, you know, is affecting everybody else. I think very highly of myself, obviously. That it's all my fault. It's not my fault. Yeah. But yeah, I think in every area that I felt the mom yelp.

SPEAKER_02 2:20

I you talked, Sarah, uh, about comparison when we were talking about the invisible load. And somehow all the feelings of guilt that I have had have come from this ideal that I feel I should be at or should be a certain way. And when I don't live up to that ideal, and nobody's told me like you as a mom should blah blah blah. But I've just I guess figured it out along the way that moms do this, you know, and um that's just such an it's so unfair. And I know this like speaking to myself or thinking about it, but it doesn't necessarily assuage the like the actual guilt that I feel. It's like, okay, you don't put that kind of pressure on yourself, but yeah, I feel I feel the pressure anyway. So I don't know if that resonates with anybody, but oh it does.

SPEAKER_00 3:19

Yeah, for sure. I think for me, um, y'all know I do a lot, I work a lot. I mean, I work for a city, so that in itself is just a lot. And so my mom guilt comes from just feeling like I'm not there for the kids as often. Even though I coach sucker and I'm like at the games, and you know, I just my guilt is am I a hundred percent there for them when I'm there with them? And am I giving enough time? That's good. Yeah, um, that's like something I'm working through right now. No, I like that.

SPEAKER_03 3:52

I I think you know, um how how we how you said that, that was when I'm here, am I giving them the time? So um that was yeah, anyway. Just felt like I need to touch on that. Maybe somebody needed to hear that. So, you know, some of the questions I had, which all of you pretty much in that short amount of time, you know, where we think it comes from. Do we put a lot of this on ourselves? And you know, I think we do, but I find it interesting. Um, I'm watching a TV show right now, and um, I'm not gonna tell you what it is. Uh I'm not because usually there's always something bad in there, and I'm like, I probably should not have given the title. Yeah, right. So um, but the TV show is set in the 1960s. Uh, and and um the women are portrayed to be in the house. They're cooking, they're hosting parties, they're wearing dresses with heels, their hair looks perfect, their makeup is flawless. And I I as I'm watching this, I can also remember seeing videos like back in the 60s with women working out and their heels and their hairs done and they're in dresses, and um, and they're all very quiet and they're reserved. And I think I just laugh because I mean, y'all know me, and and those who know me know she would not fit in in the 1960s, right? I I don't even wear heels now unless they're wind right flat because I trip when I'm just wearing tennis shoes, or if I'm just walking in my bare feet, you know, I'm always tripping. So, not to mention, I am not exactly quiet and I'm not really very reserved. So I look at that and I think, man, okay, we talked about that, this expectation that nobody told us, but what what what did we see in the past? So is that something? And even my husband, when we were watching this, he's like, Oh, look, she's in dresses and heels. And I'm like, oh, good for her. Um, and it was just like that's that impression, I think. Do you think that that still, even if like if you've never seen that, how does that still have that impression that we have got to look like when we go to drop our kids off at school, even though we're gonna be going back home, our makeup has to be done, grocery shopping, you know. Um, and like this is the impression that we have it all together, but we really don't need to. So why? So, like, how does that make you feel?

SPEAKER_01 6:30

I think I have noticed that each generation kind of has its own set of expectations. And if you like you were talking about in the 60s, that's kind of how it would be because the woman's job was to be at home. They rarely worked, um, and they were there for all needs for their family. And so I I think when you're talking about that, you have to think about gender roles, and that's a whole other podcast. We won't go there. Yeah, um, but I think I have noticed lately that women are like praised for doing it all. Like she's, you know, she's the best, she's such a powerhouse. She, because she works and she takes care of her family and she's always got dinner on the table, and she like they're basically praising women for burning themselves out. Yeah. And if you look at it on another angle, if a man goes to work and comes home and spends five minutes with his kids, he's just a great person. Not that that is not a it's not a bad thing to do that, but um, you know what I'm saying? Like women are women are held to a higher standard for sure when it comes to that stuff, because I think we do have uh, you know, a bigger capacity sometimes to handle multiple things. Um but I think society tells us and has told us for years through the media, through television, through, you know, the news, and just now through social media, um what is expected of us without saying what is expected of us. Because if you are this way, then you're a power, you're a you know, a super mom is what they call it. Superwoman. Yeah. But it, you know, and so anything short of that, you're failing. And if you need a rest, then you're failing. You're obviously doing something wrong. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

For me, it's very generational, like you said. Like I grew up uh with my grandma in the house for most of it, and she was always, you know, preparing my grandfather's uh dinner plate before anything, and the last one to go to bed because she had to make sure the the house was clean, the kitchen was cleaned. Um and my mom obviously mirrored that, and so I mirrored that. Um, but again, you start to feel burnt out, and you're just like, I can't do this anymore. And my husband started picking up on that, and he was the one that brought it to my attention actually, and he was like, You do a lot, but I'm not asking it from you, my kids are not asking it from you. All we want is for you to be present and for you to be with us in the moment. Like, we'll eat noodles and hot dogs, you know, every day if we have to, but like as long as you're good, none of this other stuff matters. Like it of course the house has to be clean, we don't want gnats and mold and all kinds of stuff. But like it's okay to breathe, to just be in the moment and you know, ask for help when you need it instead of trying to be perfect because there's no way. There's just no way.

SPEAKER_01 9:29

Yeah. And I think now, you know, you see more where I think this kind of topic is being talked about and addressed in a way that mom guilt isn't necessarily something that we need to carry because, like you were saying before, I feel guilty that I'm not 100% present. But then if you're there and you're 100% present, I'm thinking of all the things that need to be done. Right. And then I'm feeling frustrated that I'm having to sit here and like play Barbies or do whatever I'm doing with my kids. And then I'm like, I just feel like I want a break. I need five minutes to myself, and then I feel guilty about that. Yeah, so it's it's like a cycle, it's a limited vicious cycle. There's always something to feel guilty about if you think hard enough.

SPEAKER_02 10:12

Yeah, but or not hard enough, it's real easy to find something to feel guilty about. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:19

We we we brought up, I just want to pause on this a little bit, social media. And it is um, I know when I was growing up, I was very thankful that there was not social media. I would have been a whole lot more troubled than I I was. But let's you know, think we're struggling as parents. Now I start to think about my kids and even how uh probably the last one, our son, or our last two, daughter and son, they have grown up with the smartphones, and it is just that's the thing. It's in their hand, and I've watched them struggle with that. So how do we how do you navigate that social media? Because if we're feeling the guilt, I have I have watched my kids see something and they've compared and they've looked at social media. How do you navigate that with your kids? Are our and our I guess the question is with your children right now, mine are all older, so yes, they all have phones. Um, like how old were they? Do they have phones now, those that yeah, Kira and Crystal, you have young younger teenagers? Like, how do you help navigate them with them through that?

SPEAKER_00 11:35

To make sure I keep mine off of social media. My oldest does not have any of the apps, any of the things.

SPEAKER_04 11:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

Um, and I feel like he probably won't until he gets into high school. Um and he asks me, he's like, Hey mom, my friends have Snapchat and my friends have Instagram, and I'm like, what do you need it for? You don't need it. If you want to communicate with your friends, you text them or you call them or you see them at school. There's no need to have all of that because it's just rotting their brains. Like, I mean, we grew up, and I speak to this all the time, we grew up with like Tetris and Psychogenesis and like the little game where you shoot, you know, the spaceship things, and it was like our brains were just working, working, working on all this stuff. But kids these days they just have it so easy, and the end goal is just to finish. And it's like your brain is moving faster than you can even, you know, process things. So, why do you need any of that? I would much rather, I mean, he does watch YouTube and stuff, and he'll watch shorts, but and this might be something bad, but I do control it. Like, I I'm not gonna let you watch specific things. What he does watch is like sports and things like that. Um and maybe I'm kind of shielding him thinking about this, but I would much rather me be teaching him the lessons that he needs to learn rather than him, like you say, comparing himself to other people. Yeah, um, but yeah, we he got time, he'll be all right.

SPEAKER_01 13:01

Ours didn't have cell phones until they were either walking home from school or they had periods of time where they were gonna be alone and you know would need to get in touch with somebody. And none of them were allowed to have social media until they were 16. Okay. But even with that, like I agree with you, Crystal, filter what they watch, monitor what they watch, because it only takes one thing to, you know what I mean, to enter to enter them into a whole new world that they have never seen before. Yeah. Um, before they're ready. And I think even with mine not having social media until they were 16, I can still see the effects of, you know, they watch certain things or they're following a certain person, and then you can see a little change in them. Right. Yeah. And it's really hard because you really don't know what to do with that. Because, like you said, Amber, we didn't grow up with this. Right. This was not a part of our world. It's scary to me sometimes because I didn't have that experience, and I can only imagine what my undeveloped brain would have done with social media. I'm very glad we didn't have it. Um, but with my kids, I've always just uh made sure that they understood whatever you put on the internet is permanent. Yes, it will always be there and you cannot undo it. And so just be careful. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:22

Yeah, it's I it's media in general, not just social, social media that's true. There is a need to filter, limit, um, converse and have communication about uh it's definitely a different time. Yeah with my youngest, it took well both of them actually, uh the need brought on the smartphone. Like there had to be a need for a smartphone, not just because so and so had it, blah blah blah. Um and with those, with the phone, we have all the platforms and stuff to guard like how much time you spend on your games and where you can access. And so we we have that tech that we can um parental controls that we have on those things, but we've extended it to the computer, we have it to the the TV, so there's like time limits. Uh, we went as far with our kids where we had weekends where it was no screen weekends. Like there were there were times when we we didn't want to see it, you know, you didn't have access to it. We were going somewhere, we're as I say, go out and touch grass. Like that's sometimes that's what we were doing. Yeah. Because you need you need that time to learn how to be with yours yourself, yes, or be within community. Yes, and I think that is what media has robbed our our children of this idea of real community and being able to look somebody in the eye and hold a conversation. You know, you I was like, oh my gosh, I miss Sesame Street. You know, it's like these things that they're watching, and like it's mindless. And you know, you're not even learning at this point. I remember, you know, you you talked about the games, the video games, and we came up. And if there was, well, by the time there were videos about the video, the video game, you were watching the video to learn about a uh, you know, a cheat or something, maybe, right? But now they're like watching somebody else play the play the video game. I do not understand. Why wouldn't you want to do it? But we're watching somebody else, you know, make millions off of millions off of me watching you playing games. Then I can turn around. I'm like, well, why don't you record yourself playing the game? Like I feel like we're missing out somewhere. But yes, the the it's so important nowadays for for our children to understand what it is to not be in front of a screen. Um and have there's there's so many skills that they are losing out on when they are just staring at this, staring at the screens.

SPEAKER_01 17:07

And I think they get a warped sense of uh the real world, the real world and kind of like how your actions affect other people because everybody's really brave online with what they're saying to other people, then they would never say any of that stuff to anyone's face. Face to face. And so I I mean it's just it's I think it's so important to have conversations with your kids about some of the stuff they might be seeing because at some point, if their friends are all doing one thing and they're all on Snapchat and you're like, no Snapchat for you, they're gonna find a way around it. They really want to. They will. And so I think the conversations that we have behind it are so important because one day they're gonna look back and and say, Well, maybe they did know what they were talking about a little bit sometimes.

SPEAKER_03 17:50

At least that's the hope, right?

SPEAKER_02 17:51

That's the hope. And on the um other side, there are some things that we as parents probably need to think about how we are integrating into their lives. So I'm thinking about TV. You know, the fact that they don't have to wait a week for an episode or go sit through a commercial anymore. This sense of delayed gratification, right? We just had this conversation for them, right? It's like, why can't I get it now? Why can't I watch it now? You know, and this idea of binging, you know, everything. And I I'm I'm for a binge, but I grow up on the binge, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:31

We grew up with our siblings staying in the living room so we can go to the bathroom and they yell, it's back up and back on the commercials. I know our youngest a couple of years ago was watching regular TV. I think we're at a hotel or something, and there were commercials, and he was like, Why are all these ads on all the time? And I'm like, ads are commercials, and he was like, They're ads. I'm like, I guess technically you're like, but it was so weird to me that he put it that way because it was like, this is normal. We had to sit through commercials, and it it just opened my eyes at that point, and I was like, their life is very different than it is and utterly different.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

One thing that I point out to my son a lot is, you know, in our time we were outside till the lights, you know, till the street lights came on. Yeah. And this might have been harsh, but I was like, you don't want to be like those people on Wally, like floating around, big chunky people, you know, not doing anything. Like go outside, interact with people, play on the grass, like get dirty, have fun, just be a kid, like all this stuff that you see on TV and that you're trying to wait for and watch, it'll be there when you get back. It's okay. It's okay.

SPEAKER_03 19:43

No, that's great. And it's like, you know, as you're all talking, and I'm I I've said all the same things and we've done the same. But I then I sit here and I think about me, right? Am I doing what I'm telling my kids to do?

SPEAKER_02 19:57

Am I I'll get lost in a TikTok. Oh, I will.

SPEAKER_03 20:00

Do I have where's my parental control? Right. Um, I am guilty of binge watching some shows, like sitting there and going, Oh, did we really just watch a whole season? And um and then realizing, like, I think it was Sarah that you had said that when they're watching a certain person, they start to pick up things of the not so good things of that person. You're seeing a change in their attitude. And I think we can do the same thing as moms because we were talking about social media and how we look at all of these things, and this one's working out, and she's got this, and they have this one, and blah, and and you're like you start doing that whole comparing and stuff. Then it gives back into that that guilt feeling again. And um, just rem reminding ourselves that yes, what we're dealing with, our kids are dealing with, and how do we help each other and our kids navigate through all of that? And but then also being real, I think it's good that that um they hear that we struggle with things as well. That it's not just because we're not kids and we're not we we still have the social media issues, we still struggle with binge watching, we still we um and just being honest with them and and teaching them, hey, this is just a part of life that we're gonna have to navigate. Um so I was saying, um, you know, I think there's some great we gave some great parenting advice, I think, already just with kids as social media. And um, and I want to kind of circle back to at the beginning, uh, Crystal, where you said, where you are you when you're with your kids, are you there like a hundred percent? I think that's like fully. Um, and it's hard that when we are in the middle of that chaos is remembering that our kids don't need perfection. Um, they just need us. You know, growing up, I know now our family, my parents went through a very Very hard financial struggle. And um I was little, I was probably about maybe seven or eight. And I don't remember that. Like I can look back and think, I remember that time period. I remember we had to move from one house to another. I remember we had to do a lot of work in the new house, but I didn't understand why. But my parents, even though they were going through that hard time, what I do remember is that they were there with us. I remember the good times. I remember even laughing as we're cleaning a carpet or pay or taking, you know, paper or what is it, wallpaper off and those things. I remember the times together as a family playing games in the new dining room and um just being together. But in order for that to happen, my parents had to give themselves permission to not be perfect. Um, they didn't share with us 100% everything that was going on, but they tried to make the best of a bad situation and just to be genuine. And I remember them modeling that for my sister and I. And uh, so that's the one I just want to kind of talk about next. Like, um, like how do you have there been any moments and times where you have gone through just a really a struggle? And how did you navigate through that with your kids and making sure that they didn't feel the weight of being an adult? But so that because uh kids take on a lot themselves and they make it feel like, oh, it's my fault, even though it's not like have you been able to ever navigate through anything like that to help them through that?

SPEAKER_02 23:49

I don't know that I navigated that part well. Um, as we're thinking about the topic of mom guilt, yeah. That has been maybe one of my biggest areas where I have felt guilty. Um my so my mom, she's a single mom, um, we have always been together. Uh she got sick when I was 14, 15. And so I became for all intents and purposes a caregiver for my mom very, very early. Um, and uh as she got sicker, uh she took a lot of my time. A lot of my time, a lot of my um energy. Uh and as a result, there weren't times when I could fully be present with my kids. Um and I I I think out of functionality too, I probably asked them to do things that um maybe if I didn't if I wasn't a caregiver for my mom, I probably would have done. So in in some in some regard, they would have been uh asked to be more adults or make adult decisions um just to contribute based on our our circumstances. And so that that has been something that I have felt guilty about in the past. I think I've worked through it because I realize you know, circumstances are our circumstances, and now I can kind of live or move through that. Um, but there's always that little thing in the back, like what if, you know, could I have handled that different differently? Um, I don't know that I wouldn't have known how to. Um, but I'm not true. I can't remember if it was Crystal or Sarah that who said uh that kids are more resilient than than we give them credit for. I think there were a lot of things, even in me asking, that they took on knowing what was even though I felt like I might have been shielding them from a lot of of things, right? That um I can say my oldest is is really observant. You know, there are things that he will notice and act on um that I'm really proud of. My youngest is compassion, like compassion comes easy to him. So I try to think about those things. It's like even though you might think the sky is falling or that you're not doing enough, or um you can't fully be there, if you have if you create an environment in which there's love, right? Yeah, you come out okay.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:39

Sorry, you come out okay, and now I can look and say, wow, they are in a weird sort of way better off as human beings. Um, because they would not have well, maybe they would have, but they were able to learn who they are and who we are as a unit because of that experience.

SPEAKER_03 27:01

So yeah, and I think, you know, think looking back at my my childhood and with my parents, knowing now at that time what was going on and how I'm sure my mom and my dad felt guilty about a lot of things, like with raising us and not being able to do certain things, but knowing that I came out and like only remembered the good yeah, and um and remember helping and that that's like I came away with that. I want to do this for my kids, you know, and I and I pray and hope that they feel that as we've navigated through some really I'm I'm sure as as parents of how many years now total, I should have done that math. We've all done we've all gone through something, yeah, you know, and how we help our kids navigate.

SPEAKER_00 27:52

I think transparency goes a long way too. Um, like I said, when sometimes we just get home on empty. And um my oldest is really good about empathy, right? So, like if I'm like, hey dude, I don't have the energy right now. Like, I know you want this, I know your brother's asking for this, but I really just need like 10 minutes to myself. And I will, I'll I'll go in my room and I'll just, you know, either open my Bible and pray or sit in a corner, just turn everything off. Um and he'll, you know, go with his brother outside, or he'll be like, Hey mom, I'm gonna make noodles so you don't have to cook. And it's just like thank you for being understanding. Thank you for you know, knowing that sometimes moms need a break too, and I just cannot be a hundred percent there for you. Um, but I appreciate you kind of helping to take some of that off of my shoulders. Um so I try my best to really just let them know like I I just don't have it right now. Yeah, like I love you, you know I do, I'll circle back in a few, but like just give me a minute.

SPEAKER_02 29:03

And isn't that a form of being fully present too though? It's like to be able to communicate that with your with your kid and your kid understand that. It's like that in and of itself is you know, equipping them with my most love.

SPEAKER_01 29:18

Be off topic. I'm sorry if it is. I just want to go back to what you were saying, Kira. Like, I was first so sorry you had to deal with that at such a young age. I can't imagine you know, having to be in that space. But I think not only did your kids learn how to contribute in a situation where um you might not thought was ideal for them, but they got to see you be a human and not just their mom, you know, and walking through what I'm sure was a heartbreaking situation. And that gave them the compassion that they have, you know. And I think they got to watch you respect your mother and take care of her. And no matter how hard that was for you and for them, and probably for your mom at the time. Yeah. I mean, it I mean, life is messy and families are messy, and I think going through situations like that bring you closer and they teach you lessons you're not gonna learn in you know, hearing about them from other people. I think ideally we would, you know, give all the advice and we would listen to all the advice we've been given, but we are stubborn and we have to go through the things that are hard to learn. And I'm I just like good job, you know. Like showing them how to be compassionate and take care of someone when it necessarily it might not necessarily be fair, you know? Um, and then also being honest with them enough to say, hey, I need you to do this. I I mean we're we're never gonna be perfect, and we're probably always gonna look back and say, I wish I would have done this different, done that different. But I I think they're gonna look back and say, my mom loved her mom, and my mom loved me so much that you know, for all of the things you might feel guilty about, there's a million other things that they're gonna remember that don't have anything to do with that. So thank you for that. That's that's my hope.

SPEAKER_00 31:25

Yeah, I think that's one of the biggest takeaways too, to know that like no matter how hard you try or or how much you put into your children, just trust that they're learning one way or another. Yeah, and you know, your guidance, even your mistakes are what they're gonna learn from and be better people than what you have ever even anticipated because of it.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

Yeah. I mean, a lot of the things that I that my husband and I both decided to do during parenting have come directly from mistakes that our parents made and situations where we were not protected and we were not, you know, in good environments. And I think, you know, we learn from their mistakes, and we're making mistakes that our kids are gonna learn from, and they're gonna make mistakes that their kids are gonna learn from. Yeah, and I think we have to take the pressure off and we have to just give grace again. Just realize we are living life, we are not in a show, we are not in a simulation. Like this is real life, and it is messy, and it's gonna stay messy. And I think it's more important for our kids to learn resilience and to learn how to live through hard situations and not fall apart. Yes, yeah. And I think you know, the only way you learn that, unfortunately, is going through hard situations.

SPEAKER_03 32:50

Yes, like I'm sure you there were times you fell apart. I mean, it gives them that permission. Like it's okay.

SPEAKER_00 33:00

One thing I heard recently was it doesn't matter how you fall or where you fall, it just matters that you pick yourself back up. You pick yourself up, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:10

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:11

And also to surrounding yourself with people that allow you to be you in every season, every area, and and they're there to then help pick you up as well.