Green Acres Isn’t for Me - Nates Story

He grew up in a hyper-conservative home where church was non-negotiable, questions were dangerous, and “being different” came with a threat of rejection. Then he got married young, became a dad fast, and eventually had to face the one truth he’d been taught to fear most: he’s gay. Nate joins us to share his side of the divorce story after Tanya’s earlier interview, and the result is raw, funny, and painfully human.

We talk about the whirlwind start with Tanya, the rural-versus-city culture shock, and how “perfect family” expectations can trap two people who haven’t had time to figure themselves out. Nate breaks down how traditional gender roles and religious conditioning shaped what he thought marriage had to look like, and why those assumptions quietly turned into pressure, resentment, and disconnection. If you care about marriage advice, divorce recovery, or the real mechanics of compatibility, this part hits hard.

From there, we get honest about coming out, family fallout, small-town gossip, and the damage that happens when you try to “pray it away” instead of doing the work. Nate shares the moment his mental health collapsed, how inpatient psych and therapy became a turning point, and why coping tools matter more than toughing it out. We also dig into co-parenting after divorce and what actually helps over the long haul: time, boundaries, and choosing not to weaponize what you know can hurt.

If this conversation helps you feel less alone, subscribe for more real divorce stories, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

Transcript

Welcome And Why Nate’s Here

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Welcome back to the Divorce Students Podcast. I'm Zach. And I'm Matt. And I'm Phil. And today we're here with Nate. Um, he is Tanya's ex-husband. If you've listened to our last episode, um, we had Tanya on talking about her side of their divorce, and now it's in today we've got Nate coming in to talk about his. So, how are you? I'm good. How are you guys? Good. Good. Um, got some information about the things that you guys went through in your divorce. Yeah. Um, the big one is that you were um hyper conservative as a as a child. You grew up in a very conservative um household, and then um you became gay. Yep. Um we'll get on. I don't think you'd be just going straight into it. You came out. You you you said, you know what, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna hide this anymore, and came out as gay. Yep.

SPEAKER_04 0:57

Um people who haven't watched the last episode are like, what?

SPEAKER_00 1:01

Listen, you just gotta go back and listen to it.

SPEAKER_05 1:03

Go back and listen to the previous episode. So as much as all of that's like very true and super important to get to, I have a burning question in my

First Date Meets Mom And Dad

SPEAKER_05 1:12

mind. First date. And you brought her home to meet mom and dad. What the hell?

SPEAKER_04 1:25

Nate suddenly, like, I wish I had been on here before Tanya.

SPEAKER_02 1:31

Well, I mean, I don't know. That it was kind of a crazy just a crazy experience. I mean, that I had dated women before her. Like, she was not the first girl that I was with. Um and I don't know, like, so the first date, is that the one where she told we told her that like we were pregnant with Isabella? Or which what do you what do you mean like by first date?

SPEAKER_05 1:56

So we were told first date was you guys went out, you'd been working together for a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 2:01

Yep.

SPEAKER_05 2:02

And you guys went out to dinner, and then you took her home to meet mom and dad.

SPEAKER_02 2:09

Okay, yeah. Um, see, I kind of consider our first date when I bought her Taco Bell, and that was but I mean, you know. Um Yeah, I mean, my mom and dad, they were they were okay with everything, you know. Uh I don't know. I don't I guess I guess I don't know where she's coming from because I, you know, we kind of seen it as two different things because I was like, well, I'm just taking a girl home to meet mom and dad, you know, and she's probably like, holy crap, where are we going? You know, she was from New York and Long Island, you know, super city girl, and I'm way out in the boondocks with like in this little trailer, you know what I mean? She was just I think she was just kind of mortified. She's like, Where are we going? Like, are you gonna kill me? You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 2:48

Like she did actually mention that. Um, how far along into like I guess quote unquote dating were you before you decided to do this? Was this the the first week that you're like, hey, I'm gonna take I think she's the one I'm gonna take home mom and dad? Or had you guys been like uh kind of a thing for a little bit? Um not like necessarily uh a couple, but like kind of talking and dating at the time.

SPEAKER_02 3:13

Yeah. So like we we first started, we met at an assisted living. We were both like CNA's at assistant living. Yeah, and um, you know, uh we just kind of hit it off. And I think maybe like the third shift, I was like, I'm gonna get some Taco Bell for dinner tonight. And I was like, Well, I'm just gonna take her some because it was just me and her. And then I think it was after that we were like, Well, let's go on on a date. And it was that one that I took her home. And she was like, Where are we going? I'm like, You're meet my mom and dad. And she's like, um, okay. And again, like I said, I lived out in the middle of nowhere, so she's kind of like looking around, like, where's the city lights and where's all these houses? And like, what are you going to do? And I was like, No, it's cool, it's it's chill, it's super cool, you know, you love them. And then she met them, and they're like, Oh my god, you know, and she's she's very, she was very city, so it was like, you know, she kind of was dressed up in what she normally dresses up. My mom's like, You can't be showing that. And I'm like, I like them, so you need to like, you know, like, and I was just young, you know, and I was I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

You're talking about Tanya and not her her chest, right? Well, yeah. I've seen I've seen some of the things that Tanya wears out.

SPEAKER_02 4:21

Um she's very proud of them. Well, and that was like another thing too. Like, she just was very like, she knew herself, you know what I mean? It was like, this is who I am, this is how I want to present myself. And like we'd go out to like Walmart in the middle of nowhere, and they'd be everybody'd be staring and be like, what is going on?

SPEAKER_05 4:38

She's the only one not in her sweatpants and pajama bottoms. Like from around here, are you?

SPEAKER_02 4:43

I don't know. But my I mean, my mom and dad were they were cool with it. I think my mom was just like, you need to cover up a little bit. Like this is just too much.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

This is you know, but yeah, made her a little uncomfortable. Yeah, a little bit with how free she was. Yeah. Um so how far along after this did you guys like uh get pregnant with your first like oh it wasn't very long.

SPEAKER_02 5:07

I think maybe, and I could be wrong, but maybe like on we were in it for a month, and we all I don't okay, so this is gonna be a little team team, but we were sitting in her dad's driveway in my old truck, and that's we both say that's how we got pregnant with Isabella, Isabella. And I was just she's that's how it happens, immaculate conception. You're just sitting in the truck. And I we always joke about that. You're like, you're just conceived in a driveway, and she's like, I hate you guys, I really do, really. But um, yeah, probably about a month in, it was when we found out we were pregnant with Isabella, and then we just like were scrambling because it was just it was crazy, you know. Just and then you had to tell your hyper-conservative parents, yes, yes, which I mean, looking back on it, they were they were much better than me coming out as gay. So I mean it, you know, they kind of chill with it. But my mom was like, you know, there's condoms. I'm like, I know mom, but like, you know, we're it's already these are already done, you know. Like they only work priors. And I think I think that was a little bit of a problem for me too. Like, I my mom and dad were like, we don't talk about that, you know. Um, we don't we don't talk about sex, we don't, and it it just I I think it was just kind of a confusing period because it's like, well, I'm kind of growing up learning myself, and then I don't know what to do here. You know what I mean?

Growing Up Under Strict Rules

SPEAKER_00 6:35

So but um so what was your household like growing up? Um I've had some friends who um have grown up in various religions, um and some of them are very like some they weren't allowed to go to dances, they weren't allowed to um associate with the opposite sex until they were like in college and in those they went crazy. Like they went rumspringo when they got out. Yeah, broken leash. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 7:04

Yeah, I mean, they were my mom and dad were very much like that. Like we were kept, it was we were under a rock for a long time. But again, we went to public school, so we you know, we had that experience, we had that socialization. Um, so I for me it was a little bit different than I even think my sister, like my sister kind of did the whole Runchbringer. Like she was just like, I'm gone. Like, I wanna I wanna go out and party, I want to do all this. I don't, you know, um, I want to see the world kind of do all this. And I was more like I was very hyper focused on my animals. Like I I shown sheep and I showed horses in 4-H. So I guess it was a little bit more, I wanted to be at home to kind of do those kind of things, but um I remember there was this one time my my buddy was like, let's go out drinking, and we were, I mean, we were young, and I left this case of beer in my in my Jeep, and I was like, she'll never find it, never find it. Well, me and my dad were working on something down in the yard, and she comes down my mom's tote in this big thing, and I was like, crap.

SPEAKER_03 8:08

Oh no, busted so screwed.

SPEAKER_02 8:11

And she like walks up and she goes, What's this? Beer. I mean, it's right on the side. You can read it, you know. And she she was like, You're gonna sit here and you're gonna pour out every single one. I probably cried the most I've ever cried that day. I was like, No, because it was like, I don't even, I thought it was almost a full case. I think maybe one or two were out of it.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

And I was like, Oh man, the story needs a trigger warning. It's high school, so he's making like five dollars an hour. And he's like, I spent half of my week's pay on that.

SPEAKER_02 8:41

But yeah, it's just um, I mean, I like I said, I think I was more of a little bit more of a homebody, so it didn't really affect me until I remember going to college the first time, and I lit went to West Virginia, and they like my mom and dad, they were like, Well, we need to get you a buddy. I'm like, a buddy, it's college. And like they found this random person in the middle of nowhere, and they're like, You're gonna be his buddy. And it was a girl, and she was like, What do you mean, his buddy? And they're like, Well, he can't do anything wrong. He's gotta be, you you gotta watch him the whole entire time. And and then, like, you know, two weeks later, I'm like partying it up, and this girl's right next to me came, you know, and I'm like, Well, that wasn't really a good buddy system. You know, so what was her name? Do you remember her name? Oh gosh, I think it was Megan. Yeah, it was Megan.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

Megan, Megan brought him out, yeah, broke his show a little bit. She did, she definitely did. Um so how how did you guys uh did you and Tanya meet after college or were you in college? Yeah, we met after college, yeah. After

New York Shock And New Perspective

SPEAKER_00 9:44

college, okay. Um then she said something like um you wanted to go to New York or she wanted to go to New York since you she's already met your parents, like she wanted to take you up to see where she was from. Yeah. What was that like?

SPEAKER_05 9:56

Because that was your that was your 21st, right?

SPEAKER_02 9:59

So I think we were there. I remember my first time ever going to New York, like because again, my mom and dad, we were only like two hours where we lived in Pennsylvania. We were only two hours from New York City, but we that was like a no-no area. You never went there. And so I remember the first time, and I'm like, There's all these people, like, where are you getting all this traffic from? Where are they coming from? And she was like, Well, they come from all over the place. And I was like, How are you driving? She's like, Well, I think you should drive it. And I was like, No, I'm like, I am terrified, like I am used to like the deer running across, and that's about it, you know. And they're all have all these cars and people that are just insane. Um, you go from one lane of traffic to seven, yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 10:41

And everybody's colliding into one lane to try to get off of the bridge or through the tunnel.

SPEAKER_02 10:46

Oh my god, it was an experience. It was it was wild. Like I just remember, I'm like, I don't know how you live like this. And she's like, I love it, I love it. And I was like, I don't know, that's I I can't do this. Like, this is just too much. Um, but I mean, again, that was all part of a learning experience and growing up and realizing again from the conservative side that there's more to the world than just living in you know the middle of nowhere. Yeah, um, so it was good. It was it was good, but um, yeah, I mean, that's that's kind of how my first yeah, it looked chaos. Do you feel like Tanya was your rum springer? I do a little bit, yeah. Because she can kind of, I mean, she can kind of get you going and it's just she just throws you out there. And like I remember, well, like our my 21st birthday, she left me in a car in a puddle of puke, and I'm just sitting there and I'm like, I woke up and I was like, Where is everybody? They all went back inside and like laid down, and I came in and I was like, You guys are kind of aspirated on this shit. Like, what are you what's going on? She's like, I just let you there. You're fine. You were fine, you were okay, you were breathing. I was like, barely. I put you on your side, it's fine. But um, yeah, I mean, we she she kind of she kind of was my rumspringer, just kind of like opening my eyes to there's you know, there's new, there's different things out here, and there's people live in different ways, and um yeah, so uh well it's funny because it's it's the duality, right?

SPEAKER_05 12:11

She tells her side of the story in our previous episode, and uh she's like, Yeah, I was participating in the church and I was in the choir, and she was she's like, Oh, I lived out in the wilderness when you guys got married. And she's like, it was so different for her. It was the opposite for her, like it was the opposite of her rumspringer, yes, those green makers, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:33

Yep, exactly, exactly city girl in the country.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

So, and and you know, I'm I'm glad you brought that up because that was like a big thing too, because I was like, you know, I had watched my dad. You know, my dad was he was good, he was great to my mom, don't get me wrong. But it was that that very traditional home where um, you know, my mom she stayed at home, she took care of the kids, you know, cooked the the household meals and took care of the house. My dad worked, you know, all these hours. Um, so in my head, that's what you did. Because that was that was the expectation. That's just what I seen. That was the and I have, you know, my mom's one of seven kids, so every single one of them was about 99% the same. So it was like, okay, well, this isn't just family. This is this is across the board, this is what you do. And then, you know, meeting her family too, you know, they both worked and they both kind of did their own little thing. And it wasn't like they kind of they shared the responsibility with each other, you know what I mean? Of of the kids and the house and the dog, and the, you know, where it was that was not where, you know, so I kind of made her, I didn't want to I don't want to say make her, but I kind of was like, Well, this is what you gotta do.

SPEAKER_04 13:47

You know, this is there was an expectancy there.

SPEAKER_02 13:49

Yeah. Yeah. Like this is this is how we need it.

SPEAKER_04 13:51

It wasn't malicious, it was just you know that's what you expect. This is life.

SPEAKER_00 13:55

That's how we grew up. This is what I uh am looking for and what I want to replicate because this is how my parents did it. Right. Yeah. Um was it hard? Uh did you guys fight a lot at that point? Because I can imagine that trying to I I know Tanya, everybody who knows taming Tanya would be quite difficult. Oh, yeah. Um that's a book title right there. Taming Tanya. Sounds like it was a movie probably named after that. I know nothing about this.

SPEAKER_02 14:27

Um, I don't she she really went along with it in the beginning. And I think we were both just really I I don't want to say confused. I don't think she was confused. I was more confused than her, but um it was kind of like holy crap, we have a baby now. Like we're gonna be having a baby, so we've got to figure this out. Like it was I I think you know, that having the uh a baby that we were gonna have, and we were both like, well, we want to have this, you know, we want to do this. That just kind of like instilled the fact that well now she's gotta be we've gotta be this perfect family and like my mom and dad. And I don't she kind of had a little bit of a rough household. I don't know if she's you know spoke about it or not. So she really didn't have much to go off of in that sense. It was more me kind of like, well, this is what they've all done. So you know, we we've got to do the same. We've got to. And she really, I mean, she put her back foot forward and she really tried, but it it just kind of it just wasn't working. You know, she was her own person, she had known who she was, you know, she had that time to kind of get out there, experience life, experience the world, know herself, and I didn't, you know, because I I went right from conservative right to okay, now we're having a kid, you know, and it's like we gotta figure this out, you know.

SPEAKER_05 15:44

And I can I can imagine uh growing up conservative myself, you had this mindset that it is now my responsibility, right? Like this is what's supposed to happen, this is what I have to do. It's now I'm head of household, I gotta take care of bills, I gotta take care of these things. You get to take care of the house. Yeah. Um and and separating those two because that's the only thing you grew up knowing, right?

SPEAKER_02 16:06

Right. Exactly. Exactly. So it I mean, it was just it was it was crazy, you know. And again, and I was only 19, going on 20, so it was kind of like I still was I had no idea who I was. You know what I mean? I yeah, I knew what I liked and I knew what I like to do, but uh no idea. So it was just it it was a lot all at once. And then when Isabella was born, it was like this is the best thing ever, you know what I mean? Like, um, but yeah, it was just she really, I mean, she tried. She really, really tried, and I d there is no taming her, really. I mean, she just kind of like her, she is who she is, and you are not you are not just adjusting that at all,

Realizing He Was Gay

SPEAKER_02 16:46

you know.

SPEAKER_00 16:46

So growing up, did you always know that there were you were different in some way? Did you are always you know say, hey, the uh I'm not I'm into more I'm I'm into guys, um but I can't be because of my religion and the way I was raised, or is that something that you like realized later on in life?

SPEAKER_02 17:08

I no, I kind of knew that when like my young teens, like I guess puberty I would say. I kind of was like, Oh, well this is okay. This is kind of like a weird, this is this is weird, you know. But then again, you have my mom and dad who were like, you go to church every single Sunday, and we're gonna go there, you know, three times on Sunday, and it's you know, it's just it's preached and preached and preached, and this is not the right thing. And this is I mean, they they basically like when I look at it, I was brainwashed. And I mean, I think Tanya probably would agree with that. Like it was just pure brainwashing because it was this is constant, this is how you have to be, this is exactly what we want, and we want it. And like I I can remember looking back, uh you know, like going to church, like my mom was like, You had to literally be violently sick to not attend church. And it was uh but then again, it was just that whole this is this is how we want you. You know, it was it was very, it was very, very conservative and very this is the way it's gonna be, and you're not you're not doing anything else.

SPEAKER_04 18:13

It was one of those settings where you don't ask questions, right? Yeah, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 18:17

Exactly. So as you're experiencing these things, are you s like feeling a sense of shame or are you scared because you you don't really understand what's happening? Like you're hearing these things about like I can't you can't do that because it it goes against your religion and you you'll go to hell and and it's a sin, and you know. Um so how did you process that?

SPEAKER_02 18:40

I think I and and again, I think it was fear. I think a lot of it came from fear because I had a um kind of like a second cousin that was openly gay. I mean, he but again, now he was adopted. His parents couldn't have children, so he was adopted. So my mom and dad always said, Well, he's gay because he's adopted. And it's like, okay, all right. So you have to you have to be adopted to be gay. Like it's that's that's how it equals out. Like, and I'm trying to do this math in my head, I'm like, Well, am I adopted? Like, what are you doing? You know, what happened? Like, so then I think I was just I got an F and my dad was always like, I would just disown him. There would be no my mom didn't really say much, but my dad was very, very adamant about the fact that he would just own his son, he would never talk to him, don't come to my house. And it was like, Well, that's not what and I'm a kid, you know. I would I was I was the youngest of three, and the closest sibling to me was 10 years older. So like I was like the baby baby, you know. So I I had a lot of one-on-one time with my mom and my dad um together and and separately. So I think that really pulled into it too. It was like, well, I can't upset them because like I'm kind of like their only kid, even though they have other kids. Do you know what I mean? Um, but it yeah, I think I think a lot of it was fear. A lot of it was fear, it was fear-based.

SPEAKER_05 20:06

So we go we got Bella. You're married at this point. Here comes number two.

SPEAKER_02 20:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 20:14

Because it it happened pretty close together.

SPEAKER_02 20:16

It did, yep. Well, we wanted, I mean, we wanted siblings, you know. She she's an only child. I have I had three other siblings. Um, and um, I was always like, I love my brothers and sisters, you know what I mean? Like I I really feel like they they need that. And she was like, okay, and we we were just like, let's do it, you know. And then the second one came and Jackson, he's incredible. Yeah, so um, you know, totally coming out of his skin right now. He is uh unclammed every time I turn around, I'm like, Did you grow five more? Where did that pimple come from? Because it wasn't it wasn't there like two minutes ago, and he's like, I don't know, dad, they're just all over. And I'm like, I know.

SPEAKER_00 20:56

Yeah, Kelly, uh Tony was saying the other day that uh he had listened to the episode that Kelly was on and uh was asking her, like, who's this Kelly girl? Like, who does who does she go with? Like, do you know her personally? Can I meet her?

SPEAKER_02 21:09

Like the hormones are raging. Yes, oh yeah, that's a whole nother uh he's just I don't know, he's just grown up really, really fast. But yeah, so then we had the the second one, and he's just you know, we love our kids together separately, you know, it's just they're awesome. They were really what kind of you know melded us together, like mended us together there.

SPEAKER_05 21:30

So yeah.

Two Kids And A Perfect Family

SPEAKER_05 21:32

Now, from my understanding, not too long after Jackson things kind of went into a little bit of a turmoil.

SPEAKER_02 21:39

They did, they did. Um, I think uh it was it was very mutual. I think. Um, I wasn't initially like, hey, I'm gay, you know, let's let's separate. It was she I think she had gotten to a point where it was like this country bumpkin kind of life was just not, you know. Worked for a little while. And again, I, you know, you put in all that had happened. You know, we were only together like two, two and a half years, married, let's say. And we were, I mean, we were married like six months after we had met, you know. So it was just like it was everything that kind of collided at once. And I think we just kind of, she was like, I I can't, I can't do this anymore. This is not who I am. You know, I I I really tried. And I was like, I just looked at her one day. I was like, I I have to try this. Because like as I got, you know, so I started in healthcare right after we found out we were pregnant with Isabella. I started as, you know, I was a CNA with her, but then I kind of kept going with my healthcare career. I got to meet more, you know, different people, more people. And then it was kind of like, oh, there's actually gay people that are like accepted by their parents, that are loved and cherished and appreciated. So then that was kind of like my whole like, oh, oh, that's what that feel. Oh, I get it. I totally get it now. That's what that was. Um, so yeah, then we just kind of, you know, we kind of split up and we had a lot of rocky times after that. Um, but that's I mean, that's kind of the gist of the split up. It was, you know, she she really knew who she was and she felt like she was being um, I don't know if she felt like she it was almost like somebody just like covered her up, you know what I mean? And I I wasn't intentionally trying to do that, but I think it was just very unintentional with everything that had gone on. Um, and she wanted to kind of be like herself again, you know, be who she was, be who she knew she was, you know, who she was. So um, and then like I said, you know, I wanted to kind of explore that side and see what my feelings were and you know, if they were valid and things like that.

SPEAKER_05 23:49

So it sounds like both of you trying to find out who you were, yeah, and it wasn't together.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

No, right, no, 100%. So, how did you go about telling did you tell your parents first that you were gay or that you were uh getting a divorce?

Coming Out And Divorce Fallout

SPEAKER_02 24:04

Um I I now when I'm thinking about it, I think my first thing was I told him I was gay. I was like, mom, I'm like, you know, me and Tonya working out, aren't working out, but I'm I'm not working out because of this. And she was just like, nope, nope, nope, nope, can't. That's she's like, we we have to fix this. We've got to and my mom's a big fixer, and I get a lot of that from her too. I want to fix and fix and make it work and make it happen. And I was like, this can't be fixed. Like, I can't, you're not just gonna tell me to be one way and then that's it.

SPEAKER_00 24:39

You know, it's not it's not a you're not broken, it's not a problem.

SPEAKER_02 24:42

Right. And she's still to my mother still to this day, I could call her up and she'll tell me you're broken. How does that make you feel? Well, it used to bother me a lot when I was younger, but now as I've you know, getting older, I'm like, I it doesn't, it doesn't really affect me. And to be quite honest, I had to cut completely cut my family out of my life for years. Yeah, years. And the only reason I went back was because of my kids. If I didn't have kids, I would have wrote them right off and been like, I don't know you, you know, just and and it's it it's crappy because you I want to have a relationship with my mom and dad. And it's but I at the same time, if I didn't have kids, I probably wouldn't, you know, but you do. You strive just keep that. And me and my mom were very close again. Like I said, you know, I was the I was a baby, you know, I was the last one, and me and her got very, very, very close. And then she oh, so again, so like I kind of came out to her, and then you know, me and Tanya's divorce kind of fizzled out, and then I met Brian, my current husband, and um it we lived in a very small town, you know. We still had that house that was out in the middle of nowhere, and um I started you know, hearing things through great Brian. When you live in a small town, you know everybody, and everybody's like, oh hey, you know, your mom was talking some smack the other day. Really? I'm like, well, what was she saying? Well, that you're just messing up your life and you're gay now. And I was like, okay, so is she telling the town that? Yeah, pretty much. I'm like, okay, well, you know, that's not her secret, that's not her thing to bear. That's mine. If I want to tell you, I'm gonna tell you. If I'm not, then I'm not.

SPEAKER_00 26:26

Right.

SPEAKER_02 26:26

But she was just willingly doing it.

SPEAKER_00 26:28

Yeah, see, that's that's kind of that small town mentality is that you you just like getting these um clucking hens. They just want to talk about literally everything. Yep. Um, and I I found there's a lot of people that are in these kind of communities that um they they're like one-uppers, right? So they're like, oh, you know, I got this knee pain. Oh, yeah, I got some some really bad back pain. And then it just like everybody's trying to one up their story.

SPEAKER_05 26:55

Did you see my ulcer? Exactly. Oh my gosh, you're beat here, I got ultra to colitis.

SPEAKER_00 27:03

Literally, the whole thing, and then it escalates, and then everybody knows everybody's business. When you were going through all this, when you're finding out that your mom's like telling the the town about your uh shortcomings, I don't I don't want to call them that because it's it's not who they're not shortcomings, but like how did you process that? I I I know for me that I would be angry, um, and then I would be I would be devastated to know that my mom was like had these thoughts about me. Did you like just go home and like blow it off, or did you dive into some some coping mechanisms or I think I already had kind of a coping mechanism.

SPEAKER_02 27:43

Um like just I I guess so and I this is weird to say, but it and maybe you can relate, but like being from a conservative family and a religious family, you put all your faith in a higher power. So to me, like I kind of went home and I was like, I did bottle it up uh, but then I think to myself, did I put it into some other realm, like that higher power? Because I was taught that and was like, you you take all your troubles to God. Okay, all right. That's I mean that's that's an easy way to get rid of it, you know.

SPEAKER_04 28:20

But that's what they say, but there's no actual work on the problem. There isn't.

SPEAKER_02 28:24

Yeah, there isn't. You're you still have the problem, and I and again, there's I don't have any problem with religion or God. Uh, you know, I have I believe I have my beliefs, but I think at that point it was that I was just like, okay, well, I'm gonna give this give this to God in a sense. So, but I never really worked on the problem. It was just kind of like taken away from me. Yeah, you know, and then so but it but it did, I it took me, I guess, a few years later to like kind of be like, that really sucked. And like now I I have different coping mechanisms and I'm trying, I'm still trying to find out who I am and understand myself and what I like and what I don't like. Um, but I think that's what I did at that moment in time. And now I slowly deal with that, you know, and then and having getting back to a relationship, somewhat of a relationship with my parents just for my kids, I was able to kind of like verbally say to her, you know, this is why this is how you hurt me. You know, this is yeah, these are the things that you you've said you've done that have hurt me. So I I guess I have kind of dealt with it, but it was many years later.

SPEAKER_04 29:32

So was there a moment where you would say that switch got flipped between just giving it all to God and actually started working on it yourself?

Hitting Bottom And Getting Help

SPEAKER_02 29:41

Yeah. So if if I'm being candid, and this is this is kind of where you know the Tanya support part of it comes in. It was, it took me, I I had to go to inpatient psych. It got to one point, and it and it wasn't just that, it wasn't just solely that. It was a lot of things happening kind of all at once. You know, you just have those weeks, days, months where it's just like, I have all this happening. You know, I can't, you kind of get overwhelmed, and it and I so this is this is a good example of Tanya and how our relationship works. So again, I'm with my husband. We've only me and my husband maybe were married a year, but at that point we'd been together a total of six years. We were living um on a property that had two houses kind of side by side, and I woke up one day and it was just I I think it was it was just all of it. And I remember just getting in the shower and then being on the floor in the shower and just crying and hysterically crying. And he came running, he's like, What happened? You know, what's going on? And I was like, I don't know. There's just something not right, something's not okay with me. And I I'm not okay. And he immediately picks up the phone and says, Tanya was on her way to work, and he's like, You I don't know what to do. Like, you you've had a longer relationship with him. Can can you help me? I don't, and I think at the time too, we were trying to get the kids on the bus for school. They were there, they were young, and she just came back and she I remember getting dressed, coming out, and just sitting on the kitchen floor, and she comes in, she's like, What are you doing? And I was like, Well, I don't, I'm not really sure what's going on. Like, and I didn't, I I didn't know what I was feeling, I didn't know what I was processing. And she's like, get up. And I was like, Okay, all right. And she's like, she's like, you need help. And I was like, I know, but I'm like, I and at that point I had my nursing license. Like in my head, all these things were just gonna come crumbling down because I was losing my mind. And um she was like, no, we're we're getting you help today. And I was like, okay, and my husband's over in the corner just balling his hands. I'm like, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 31:51

And he's like, I don't know what was wrong with you. I had to call her and I don't know. And I was like, I'm like, you're supposed to, what is she doing? Why is she yelling at me?

SPEAKER_02 31:59

Because I mean, she like when she gets in her serious mode, like it's like she takes charge. All right, let's, yeah, okay, I'm gonna listen to her because she might be a little, you know, like you know. Um, but she she got us, you know, because again, my husband was masked because he had no idea what I was going through. And um, she's like, You're getting in the car. I already called off work. She's like, We're we're taking you impatient. And um we get in the car and she looks at me, she goes, What do you want to rock out to? Me and her have we both love incubus. I don't know if you ever listened to Incubus. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 32:34

Oh, yeah, I've sung Incubus and karaoke.

SPEAKER_02 32:36

Love, love Incubus, all of their music. We went and seen them in in concert the one time, and I was like, I I need some incubus in my life. And she just blares it. And I remember my husband looking at me, he's like, I didn't even know you listened to this music. And I was like, Yeah. I'm like, but it me and her have a different connection than me and him do. And it's it's wild. But and then shit, her and him, they both took me to you know the ER, and I got, you know, I I went into inpatient psych and I remember that was that was the the flick. And that was like I can't, because at the point, at that point, we were still living near my parents. So um they were maybe 15, 20 minutes away. And I just remember a therapist being like, Well, why are you here? And I'm like, I'm thinking, like, I don't, I don't know why I'm here. Like, what why am I here? I just I just remember being in the shower, you know what I mean? And then Tanya was yelling at me. That's all I remember, you know. And um I it was then it was like, it's my mom. Like, and I don't know if it was solely her, but it just it's my mom. Like, she is all those years of taking that this is how you have to be, this is what this is what the pro your problem is. And she always, you know, with the gay part of it, it's always that's your problem. That's nobody else's problem, that's your problem. And I'm like, but a problem is like something you try to resolve. I don't want to resolve this. Like, I just I want to figure it out, you know what I mean? And um that was that was my switch, and that was many talks with therapists and you know, talk therapy and all that's kind of that kind of stuff. That's what really helped me in that. But again, I kind of, you know, being younger, I just kind of was like, give it to God, but in that the problem never really went away. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 34:24

That's did you have any vices prior to that moment that you were battling with, or were you pretty clean edge at this point and just mentally just falling apart?

SPEAKER_02 34:37

Um I think I was pretty clean edge, you know, thinking about it. I don't think I really had any any vices. It just it was just everything, like all at once. And I think it was just kind of rooted in that. And I still think too, because again, going back to the conservatives part, you give it to God, right? So you can just you can just chuck it away and he's gonna automatically take care of it. It doesn't get taken care of. I still with that deal with that today. Yeah, like I still am like, oh well, I can just throw that somewhere. I don't I don't say give it to God anymore, but I can just chuck that somewhere and it's gonna be taken care of. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's it it's still gonna make it's gonna come around full circle. It might not be tomorrow, but in two, three years it's gonna come back and hit me in the face.

SPEAKER_04 35:24

I like to say that healing is something that you have to do actively. Like healing is war sometimes. Yes. You just have to go at the problem and fight it and figure it out until you you find your serenity.

SPEAKER_00 35:36

Yeah, that's that's kind of why we're doing this. Uh I think that a lot of these kind of issues can be avoided by just releasing those emotions to others and and letting them try to help you through that, right? So that's part of the reason why we're trying to build this community is so that there are those outlets that you can talk to. Get out there and and just talk to people if you're having problems before they build up. Like people will listen and they will care. And and if they don't, then you know, you can write them off. But I I say this all the time. Um, those that care don't matter, those that matter don't care. Um and I think it's very important because these things build up. You're like your body's like a pressure cooker. Yeah, and at some point that steam has to be released, that that valve has to be opened, and it can be very detrimental if it all comes out at once. So it's highly important to talk about what you're feeling, how you're feeling, what you're going through, just so that that pressure cooker doesn't like you don't end up like Chernobyl and you just blow up. So at this point now, you've you've you're in the psych, you've gone through it, you've you've found therapy. Yep.

Rebuilding Boundaries With Family

SPEAKER_00 36:51

You've talked to your mom, right? You're rebuilding this relationship. Is it better now?

SPEAKER_02 36:58

It is, but it it took a lot. Again, I, you know, so I I I kind of took and and cut ties after that, you know, because I was still at that point, I was still kind of communicating with them. And um and and my mom and dad knew what happened to me, you know, because they were that I forget what how it how it all went down, but they were asking about something and they they realized I wasn't at home, and it just again, small town community, just kind of like blah blah blah, would you hear what so and so? And then it was like you know, then she tried to reach out numerous times, and I was like, I I can't do this. I this is this is my problem, so I've got to. So then I just cut it off, and then it took a few years, and I was like, but I want my kids to have a relationship with them. I don't agree with how they think, but I don't I also don't agree that they I I want them to know their grandparents, and I think people need to have their own basis, like it, you know. I I might disagree with somebody, but you know, my son might totally agree with them. You know what I mean? I'm like, okay, uh, that's cool, you know. So I didn't want to I didn't want to shade my kids because then I looked at it and I was like, I was, I was under a rock. I was they totally changed my whole outlook on who I was, other people in other communities, you know, and my dad was kind of a big racist too. You know, he was he was not, he was not open, but he also in his defense, he was of the Vietnam era, yeah, you know, and there I uh some people are really good in their era and other people are not, and he was just not. Um, so I didn't want to do that to my kids. I didn't want to cloak them with this is what I think, and this is how you need to think. I've just been like, hey, this is how I think. You can take whatever you want, you can do whatever you want, you can be whoever you want. Um but again, that's part of I need to show them that side, and so they can understand their grandparents and understand why I kind of did what I did and that kind of thing. So now it's with my relationship with my mom, it's better. It is, but again, she still thinks I'm just gonna just spin around and it's just gonna be magically disappear, and this was all just a time warp. I'm like, no, that's that's not I mean, we're here me and my husband and together 13 years, and she's still praying the gay way. Yeah, yeah, still praying in the gay way, exactly. Um, and you know, even my kids, you know, we would visit them quite frequently. And at one point, Isabella said to me, She was like, Do you know what Nana thinks is gonna happen? And I was like, What? She's like, she thinks one day you're just gonna wake up and not be gay anymore. And I was like, Yeah, and she's like, I was like, Do you believe this? And she was younger at this point, and she was like, I don't really think that happens. And I was like, nah honey, that that really doesn't happen. She's like, Okay, she's like, Well, I still like you the way you are. I was like, Okay, good, as long as you're cool, we're cool. Sweet.

SPEAKER_00 39:58

That's very sweet.

SPEAKER_02 39:59

But yeah. So it's I mean, it's better, but it's I think we both kind of I don't want to see force the relationship to be better, but we just kind of we deal with it and we don't talk about things that we don't want to, you know, have issues with.

SPEAKER_00 40:13

Right. Don't talk, uh, what is it? Don't ask, don't tell. Yeah, pretty much. Um, are you still doing therapy? Do you still um no?

SPEAKER_02 40:21

I I haven't had therapy in a couple years, actually. Um, but again, I I got a lot of really good coping mechanisms um from my therapists on how to deal with it. And a lot of it was just breaking it off for a few years. And just and then that's when I really like extended myself and was like, I need to know who I am before I can walk back in there and stand on my own two feet and be like, this is who I am, you know, and and be honest with them and be honest with my kids, be honest with myself, and be who I I am.

SPEAKER_04 40:54

And you needed a foundation in yourself, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:56

Yes. I think this is a fault in a lot of uh marriages, especially the ones that happen really early on uh in life. They the the two people that are there haven't found themselves. Yeah, right. So as you age in that relationship, you're also growing as a person, and then sometimes those two people aren't compatible anymore.

unknown 41:16

Right.

SPEAKER_00 41:16

And and it's okay to come to terms with that, and you can separate and then fig finish figuring out who you are, or uh at this point you might know and then find somebody who you're compatible with and actually live a happier life than just being in a kind of a dead-end marriage um that isn't really going anywhere, and then both people are unhappy, and then you know the kids can grow up a little unhappy because they're not in a happy living household. Um it sometimes it's actually better to figure out who you are and then just separate if you're if you're not compatible anymore.

unknown 41:53

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 41:53

Yeah. Um and I think that actually would take away some of the things like happen to you, right?

SPEAKER_05 41:59

Where yeah, it I I would have to say it would be much smarter to figure out who you were first before you get married and start a family. It's like but sometimes it just doesn't work out, and you just it's it's better to realize that than I I think then do what I did, which was to stay for five years in a very unhealthy, very unhappy house, um, trying to hold it together. Um that wasn't it wasn't fair to the kids, it wasn't fair to me, it wasn't fair to my Eric's wife, it wasn't, you know, it wasn't fair to our relationship or us moving forward. Um sometimes things are over, and it took a while to realize I couldn't pray this away either. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:47

And this comes back to communication, right? If you just communicate with the people around you, there are a lot of times when you can talk to somebody and say, Hey, these are the what I the these are the re grievances I have, these are the problems that I have, these are what I'm facing. Um, and then your partner can say, Oh, let me help you work on them, or you know, not, and at that point it's okay to to walk away, or it's okay to try to work with it. Like, but the key is communication. You have to talk, you have to get these things out, you have to continue to have a rapport about because if you don't, then you end up bottled up, and then you can end up, you know, self-harm or going down a path of vices or um you know end up inpatient psych because you haven't let these emotions come out.

SPEAKER_03 43:38

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 43:38

Uh and it's okay to do that. It's okay to let them out and to talk about them and to uh understand how you feel. And and if you need to get some help with that. Go find somebody to talk to about it and get a different perspective. Yeah, sometimes that's the best thing you can do.

SPEAKER_05 43:53

Yeah, a lot of times I would like to I'd like to think that more people need to not necessarily go to. Therapy, but go to therapy to learn tools, right? Tools how to cope with things and how to handle the things that are going on in your life because it's not a permanent thing, not because you've gone to therapy do you gotta go to therapy for the rest of your life. Right. It is it is a learning experience to learn how to cope and deal with things. It's tools to make yourself deal with yourself better.

SPEAKER_00 44:25

Yeah. Exactly. It's like and it's like going back to school and getting an education in something different, right?

SPEAKER_05 44:31

It's it is an education in your own psyche.

SPEAKER_00 44:34

Yeah. That's the best investment you can make.

SPEAKER_05 44:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:36

Right? Invest in yourself as much as you can because that's going to make you a better person for yourself and your community and your partner and everybody around you. When you're your best version of yourself, you're the best version for everybody else too.

SPEAKER_05 44:49

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 44:50

Um do you guys have more questions? I'm pretty good. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 44:55

It seems like oh well, I know you guys, so I can say this, but you guys you guys seem to have figured out a way to work together as as co-parents, as separated partners that although can be volatile, because I know both of you, uh you guys have you guys have figured it out though, for the most part, of how to deal with each other and how to work around complicated issues with kids, relationships, family,

Co-Parenting With Time And Restraint

SPEAKER_05 45:26

etc. Yeah. Um, what do you think helped that the most? Is it any one thing or is it just time?

SPEAKER_02 45:34

I think time. I I think time and I think it was really, you know, I think in the beginning of any relationship, um, you kind of you find people's weaknesses like in that relationship. And when you have that first fight or that second fight, you pick on that so so bad. You know, so we were already over that. So now, like once we kind of got over the divorce and got over like, okay, who's gonna have the kids this weekend, who's gonna have them this weekend, you know, we we would bicker a little bit, and then it would kind of go back to that. Well, I know this thing, you know, and I think we both realized that we couldn't do that. Yeah, you know, we worked on still having a relationship. Yes, we're divorced, and we we don't want to be back with each other, but we still needed to have a relationship no matter what for the kids, no matter what. So we couldn't we couldn't pick on those things, we couldn't fight like that anymore, you know. Um, so I think we really worked on on that a lot because she knows my you know where it's gonna hurt the most and she knows where she's gonna dig in. And I know the same for her. So we just really avoid those subjects and those topics, and that's I think that's what really helped our relationship, you know, because during our divorce, it was I don't want to say it was ugly because I think some other people have some uglier ones, but it was we kind of got to that point where it was like, Well, I know this about you and I know that about you, and I'm gonna I'm gonna dig this up and do this. And it was like then once we got over all of that, it was like, we don't want to do that anymore. We just we want the kids to be happy, we want them to grow and be successful, and that's all we want. Um, so that's I think we really worked on that and time. Time is a huge, huge thing. You know, it's been Isabelle's 16 this year, so it's been a little over 16 years that we've been just working together and working on our relationship and trying to be better people for our kids.

SPEAKER_04 47:28

Yeah, it sounds like you've been pretty successful.

SPEAKER_02 47:31

We try. I mean, it's we work at it every at every day. I mean, we just keep working at it, and we're just like she'll say something, I'll be like, Oh, I'm gonna go off. I'm gonna she just hit that one little thing that just and I'm like, Yes, whatever you say, you know, like and then she'll say the same thing to me. And I know she's being complacent, and then the next time we see each other, I'm like, Are you okay? Yeah, I'm good. How are you? I'm good, okay. And we just now it was like, yeah, we we're we're over it now. We're good. Um, and I think, you know, too. We we're very I I think, you know, in my head, when you think about divorce, it's like you're not really with that person anymore. You don't really see them that much. But we didn't want that either. We wanted to kind of support each other and be there for each other, just like when I was telling you before, like she came back and she's like, What are you doing on the floor? Get up. You know, we we wanted to be that person for each other because we knew you know it was hard on both sides, and um so I think that's that it was just it's it's time, it's time and just working through the issues. So yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_00 48:37

Well, um, I don't have anything else. You guys have anything else? No. All right.

Closing Quote And Reaching Out

SPEAKER_00 48:43

Well, I think that we're gonna, as usual, leave you with some words of wisdom. Matt's got something pulled up here.

SPEAKER_05 48:49

All right. Today's quote is by Stephanie Ben Bau. It says, When you release anger in a mindful way, you don't just avoid hurting others, you also stop hurting yourself. And that's that's I think something we learned today. It's something we've talked about before.

SPEAKER_04 49:05

Yep.

SPEAKER_05 49:06

Um, you can't just bottle things up. You can't just pray it away, you can't just put it on a back burner and pretend it's not gonna happen because it'll find you.

SPEAKER_03 49:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 49:17

Um that's right. Find your community, find your person to talk to, find your people to talk to, find your community, find therapy. Whatever it is, find it, fix it.

SPEAKER_00 49:29

Talk to us. Uh divorced dudes podcast at gmail.com. Send us some stories, we'll reply. Uh plus we'll get you on the show. Uh on that, divorced dudes out. Divorce dudes out.