#CLRM - IMPERFECTION - (THE PAST) I CONFLICTS (PART 2) (CLRMITPICP2)

CHRISTOPHER LIAM ROSE MONASTERIES (CLRM)

E08 - #CLRM - IMPERFECTION - (THE PAST) I CONFLICTS (PART 2) (CLRMITPICP2)

CHRISTOPHER LIAM ROSE TALKS ABOUT #CLRM - IMPERFECTION - (THE PAST) I CONFLICTS (PART 2) (CLRMITPICP2)

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

So in the past, since I had the separation and loss, um when I was only four, this conflict inside of me built, and the anger and pain I was feeling actually went into my social life, which means it was a part of my um you know school education and also my environment of how I was living and interacting with people. So the conflict of that separation and loss of how it affected me personally entered into my school life, and um as a young child, you know, I was very um creative. Uh I always had a passion for creating things, whether it was art or designs or pictures or images, you know, I was one of those sort of kids. I never was really an academic child. I never was really a child that you know was into books and you have to read this and you have to study that. I was more of the artist creative type of child, and you know, when I was younger, that's all I really wanted to do. And it was weird that you know when I was four, um, because of that conflict of the anger and loss, uh, I found a way to channel it at that time, which was creating things, and I used to create uh art, uh, a lot of art and and designs and uh a lot of characters and um feelings towards what I was feeling because I was so young I couldn't express it at the time, but I could create it, I could make a picture that showed you know what I was feeling, or I could write something that was a part of what I was feeling, and um that's the way I dealt with it for a while. The weird thing is I never knew that you know creating was a passion of mine because I was only young, I didn't know that was part of who I was, but because I didn't know that was part of who I was, and I was still in conflict in school I had to suffer, which was the third thing I experienced in conflict. Uh the suffering of people telling you you're dumb and people telling you you're dyslexic and you're stupid and um you just don't fit in and you um are just a retard and you you know you don't have no skills um comparing me to other sort of people and you know since I was four in my early school life um I had to get so much abuse from people uh verbally, physically, uh which was basically bullying, uh and I was always being compared to you know um my twin brother, which was much more academically smarter than I was, um and you know much more popular than I was. So I was always looked at as the reject. Um I was always looked at as scum, I was always looked at as you know someone that's it's not worth anything. And living with that every day in your school life, the one place where you're meant to be finding who you are as a person, you know, you're meant to be creating or you're meant to be you know being helped by the teachers. You can in encourage you to find your passion, and for me, school life was the complete opposite, it just wasn't like that whatsoever, it was complete hell. Um and I never learned a thing in school, I never learned anything. All I learned in school is that I was being controlled, and I I and um there was no way out of it, and I was being controlled by doing something I didn't want to do, I was being controlled by people telling me I'm something I'm not, I was being controlled by um not having any idea of the whole environment of education and what it means because I thought it was I thought it was meant to be about helping people find who they are, and the teachers, you know, help those people to find who they are, and in education there are some teachers that are specifically like that, which is what you know teachers should be doing, helping people to find who they are. But for me, in my in my personal academic life, it was just never like that. I never found one teacher that helped me to really harness my creativity, and that was the biggest to me, probably the biggest downfall I had when I was younger. I never had the opportunity to show my creative side, and you know, out of everything that was probably the biggest conflict because I was studying things I had no interest, I was um in classes with people I didn't like, I was in an environment that wasn't a part of who I was, and all these conflicts um it just really got to me as a person, and that same anger that I had from the separation and loss, it grew even more because I was more angry and more upset and more hurt with the current situation I was in, and um that was my third conflict that I experienced. So after the school life, um the ages between from four to around 10 and 11. Um my mum moved me, my brothers and sisters to Tooton. And that's where I'm from, that's who I am. I'm from Tootin. Uh we moved to Raim's Close, uh off Church Lane, uh, which is in Tooton Broadway. And this was uh an a ghetto estate, I'll call it, or uh or the estate of I would say the streets, the hood, the slums, and the ghettos all in one. Um and strangely enough, this is where I was brought up. You know, this is the place I had to live. Um and to be honest, this is where the path of conflict becomes very extreme, of what conflict is. This is the real essence of where all my conflict began. Um right, so when I was around, I don't know specifically what age, I was young at the time. Due to my young age of conflicts that I was living in, um, as I said, it grew in my character, it built up for many years. So the anger that I felt through a separation and the hurt and the loss and all the things I experienced in the past, it became a part of who I was. So I became angry, I became violent, I became abusive, I became insecure, I became all these things that were negative. I did a lot of things because of this conflict. First thing I used to do when I was younger was number one, I was very, very violent, uh, very violent and very abusive to people. Um because of the conflict that I lived in, because of the anger that I had inside of me, and I took it out on people that I know. Um random strangers, I used to rob them, beat them up, take their money, take their clothes, take their chains, take whatever possessions they had because I thought that was good. I thought this is how life should be. Now I can take out all my frustration out on people, and there's gonna be no consequences to my actions. So I used to have lots of girls, I used to sleep with lots of girls for no reason, I used to just smoke weed every day for no reason, I used to just chill at the park all day for no reason. Um all these things that were just corruptive and um to be honest, pointless, completely pointless. Now I look back at it. It's just a waste of time and a waste of life, and um you know it's just at the time that's that's what living was about in the ghettos, you know, making a lot of money, you know, getting the nicest girls, or the girls having the nicest guy, uh flossing, dressing nice, you know, all this materialistic lifestyle, and you know, I got caught up in that, and that was the ultimate conflict, and um just cutting it short in my time of tooting, you know, I met a lot of people, you know, there's a lot of uh people that I grew up with, loads of people, and um you know uh I rekindled my passion for creativity because um when I was living with my mum, uh I used to draw again. I felt I refund that creative side of me, uh, which was art creating and also music. Um and I started to listen to lots of music when I was younger at the time. Um back in those days it was grime days, so you know it was all about the grime, the hard, hard, you know, grime hip-hop sort of music, and you know, that's what I grew up off, you know, like a dizzy rascal and uh Wiley and you know all these other major um artists, and um because of this, you know, I felt passion for music, and you know, it was part of me, you know, growing up in the States, you know, I I would observe and you know jam with my friends and chilling, and you know, we have MC battles and stuff like that, and it was good, it was those are the positive things about the past, you know, even though it was all living in conflict, you know, there was still some sort of love for everyone, you know. There was love for just you know being young, you know, and that's not a bad thing, you know. And I think the things that I took from my past was you know that passion. I didn't know what it was, I just knew every time it was something to do with creative things, I felt better, and um did help the conflict to ease, but still there was a burning conflict inside of me that never went away. So, as as you know, growing up in the hood, going through these different stages and stuff, uh you know, you you observe, you learn different things, and this is where life for me goes completely downhill of conflict, and this is where I'll call it the lifestyle of conflict becomes in.