#CLRM - IMPERFECTION - (THE PAST) I CONFLICTS (PART 3) (CLRMITPICP3)

CHRISTOPHER LIAM ROSE MONASTERIES (CLRM)

E09 - #CLRM - IMPERFECTION - (THE PAST) I CONFLICTS (PART 3) (CLRMITPICP3)

CHRISTOPHER LIAM ROSE TALKS ABOUT #CLRM - IMPERFECTION - (THE PAST) I CONFLICTS (PART 3) (CLRMITPICP3)

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Right, so when I was younger, uh I had many girls in my time, you know. Um not to brag, I'm not trying to brag, I just I had a lot of girls in my time. I I always had a lot of ladies. It was never a problem for me to have women or girls or people that I was attracted to because I don't know, people just thought I was a sweet guy, but even though I looked like a sweet guy, um I I had a very hood mentality, so it was very um you know, that's what they liked, you know, someone that looked sweet but had the fug in them and that's what I was. Um and the sort of the first I had a few relationships, but the first one I really remember was someone close. I won't say say their name, um, but it was a good relationship, and um, you know, it was sort of the first time I sort of what a relationship was. Um and um it was in within Tutin, you know, within the estates and stuff, and it was a good relationship, you know. We had ups and downs and stuff like that. Then I experienced the conflict again, which was um I'll say love and loss, um, because it was due to people getting involved in the relationship and stuff like that, which I I believe broke up the relationship, and um, you know, that person at the time when she broke up with me, uh, it was very hard to deal with because you know I actually did love this person, and you know, um, you know, I would say love in the sense of being with her for a while, and it was sort of my first sort of experience of being in a proper relationship. I was only young, um, but it it it felt right, you know, and um because of that experience of loss, um, which I felt previously due to my parents' situation, it brought a new level of conflict, and it made me more bitter and more angry, and you know, that same feeling of the conflict that I had before was still buried inside of me, and it made me worse this time. So instead of me finding out why I don't always feel this conflict, um I basically took out on the world I know. So I went back to my old ways, not learning from my mistakes, not learning about the things that I did in the past. So I kept on robbing people, I kept on being violent, I kept on being abusive to people, I kept on um doing things that were wrong, I kept on being negative, I kept on swearing at people for no reason, I kept on doing all the negative things you can think of. I was I was you know, I was that was me completely. I'm not proud of my past whatsoever. I was completely negative, that's exactly who I was. And um it's because at the time it was the only way I could deal with the hurt. Um so then that relationship went by blah blah blah, and um then I met a real relationship that a relationship that changed my whole life. Um not for the not for the good would I say, for the worse. Um and I think this is where conflict becomes the reality of karma. The karma. Because of all the years I was younger and I had a completely negative life, completely negative. There's no essence of positive in it whatsoever. This is when the tables turn, this is when you live in so much conflict with yourself and what you do to others that God has to punish you, He has to make you see your actions for what you are doing, and you become a person of complete destruction and evil, and this is where conflict needs to be confronted, and the only way God can do that to show you all the wrong and the mistakes that you're doing is when he does the ultimate life lesson, and this is what happened to me personally. So the first thing of what happened in this dramatic karma, I would call it dramatic karma, was since all the negativity I did to other people as well as myself, uh I had another relationship with a person that I wouldn't I wouldn't say I loved, no, it was just a loss of she was okay, she was nice, and you know, I just wanted because I had the young mentality, I just wanted to have fun, you know. It wasn't about anything more than that, to be honest, um, and to be truthful, and um this is where not understanding conflict becomes complicated. So I won't say the person's name, uh the person was very older than me, and um you know they probably knew more than I did. I was too young at the time, and I was just one of those hood guys that had fun, did a lot of street crime, and that was it really, and violence and stuff like that, nothing to be proud about, nothing to go wow, I'm I'm a hood guy, I'm gangster, like that stupid, completely stupid. Um so one thing led to another. We had fun I would say, and then obviously I found out this person she became pregnant. And for the first time in my life, only being probably younger about younger than 15 at the time, reality hit me, uh you know, true reality of life of wow, now I'm responsible. Now I'm responsible for a situation that I created, and to be honest with you, I wasn't ever responsible for anything I did in the past. I was never responsible, I didn't even care what I was doing in the past, I didn't even care that I was hurting people, I didn't even care that I was causing all this conflict, I didn't even care that I was hurting myself, I didn't even care that you know I was destroying everything around me because I wasn't aware of it, I didn't understand it, I didn't know what was going on. So when this bombshell hits, it was two things happen. One it was a revolution because for the first time I felt what love of true joy was, because all my life I just felt negativity, so for the first time, you know, something completely positive was happening, so it's quite a really sacred enjoyment just to know that wow, something pure is about to come. The other side of it was fear, the fear of oh my god, what the hell has have I gotten myself into, and you know, the fear of how am I gonna handle this responsibility, and the fear of I'm only you know young, like how am I gonna deal with this change, and um you know um all this played along, all this was part of the conflict, also, because of the thoughts that I was having, and uh you know, um this is where life gets hard, and this is where life really goes to a next level of conflict, right? Because I had a good person, a good friend of mine, uh he well I would have said he was like family to me at that time, um but things change, you know, people change, things change, and when people have jealousy, which is a conflict, envy which is a conflict, uh hate which is a conflict, um they change, and the situation with what happened I'll try and cut it as short as possible is uh a friend that I had um he wanted the person that I was with, you know, he wanted the girl that was potentially gonna be my baby mother, and he was doing whatever it took, which I find it very um evil today, to try to break the relationship with me and her for his own gain, which is very selfish and very wrong, which is also a conflict, and when that happens it really made the made the situation complicated. So for me, I'm in the middle of this, my best friend's portraying me, and also the girl the girl that obviously I that is gonna be my baby mother, she's having doubts because of you know the situation of what my my friend portrayed me as saying. So I'm in the middle of both conflicts. I'm trying to be the best you know person for my girlfriend at the time, but also I'm handling with this ultimate confrontation of someone just trying to uh destroy everything that I'm trying to change into, which is you know the love, the family, you know, a revolution of trying to live a better life, and someone evil is trying to destroy that. And cut a long story short, what happened in the end was um I got betrayed, so that was that was the conflict that I had. Dishonour was the conflict, and disrespect was a conflict, which happened all happened at this time, and because of I caught him basically uh I have to smile be angry, um this being dishonor being this disloyal and dishonouring me in front of my face at the time to try and woo over the girlfriend at the time, just for his own selfish desires, um completely changed me. And I went back to how I used to be, which was the anger, the violence, the hate, the the just wanting to attack everything that was trying to make me feel this way. And a fight broke out, and yeah, a fight broke out, and um I went to prison. I was the one in the wrong, even though I did nothing wrong, even though I never portrayed, even though you know I never did anything wrong. I went I had to go to prison because of that fight, and not for prisoners in a sentence, just for a cell for a few nights. But this incident changed my whole life because at that period where my friend betrayed me and my girlfriend at the time was she was still pregnant, I was in jail. So I'm not around the estate to find out what's going on and to know the ins and outs of how things are. I can't even use a phone for goodness sake. So then what happened was while I was in prison, I don't know what happened to this day. This is something I've never I've never known, it's something I really don't know. When I was in the cells, um and I came out of cells after so when I got out of the cells and I was back in tooting, uh I can I can never forget this moment. This moment is is probably the one thing I've I've lived with all my life. So when I got out of prison and obviously I went back to the estate, you know, I was like, you know, I'm all thinking in my mind, you know, I'm gonna be a father, I'm gonna have a kid on the way, you know. Um I told all my family, my mum, my dad, my twins, my brothers and sisters, my nan, you know, my whole family knew. And this is when my life changed forever. This is when I don't know what happened, my life just changed. And I do call this point karma of conflict, karma of when you do bad in the world, it comes back. Um it comes back to you in a way that you'll never imagine, and the one thing you want the most goes from you, and it this is what really gets to me, and this is what really happened. So I went to the I went back on their estate and I met a friend, I don't I can't remember who it was, but I can't even forget this moment. I went to their estate and one of my friends basically stated, oh you know that girl that you was with fam, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

Oh you know, you know what the ends are saying, yeah, like um, you know, she had an abortion, you know, fam, when he was in prison, bruv. I know it's crazy, it's deep man, it's deep shit. Oh my days, man, it's deep man.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

And that's where that's when my life just changed and I don't know if you ever would feel like a part of you just died. Uh that's exactly what that felt like. It felt like everything you wanted in life was gone in an instant. And you just felt completely gone. You didn't even f you did your mind and your body didn't even feel like it was hit. It felt like something you loved so much, something that you wanted so much, something that you needed so much was taken away from you. And I just remember going to I was outside at the time, I remember just going on my knees and just feeling the ultimate pain, which was part of a conflict, hurt, which was conflict, sorrow, guilt, um mistakes, torture, all in one and loss, all in one. And to be honest with you, that's probably the darkest moment that I've ever lived in my life. Um ever. Nothing there's no experience that's come close to me than that. Um the ultimate loss when you lose your children. Um that is the ultimate loss, and there's no amount of anything that can heal that pain. Um and that is what I lived with at that time. And I was only 15 at the time, and um even today it's like a um it's just uh the ultimate pain, you know, and um this is where new levels of conflict because of this, because of going through this experience of now I have to live with the fact that my children I was meant to be a father and someone took my children away from me without my permission, and I was helpless to do anything. And I do believe to this day it was due to the karma of my actions, and I still believe to this day that was the reason why. Well, that's what I thought, and when you go through something like that, there's only two things that can happen.