#CLRM - IMPERFECTION - (THE PAST) I CONFLICTS (PART 4) (CLRMITPICP4)

CHRISTOPHER LIAM ROSE MONASTERIES (CLRM)

E10 - #CLRM - IMPERFECTION - (THE PAST) I CONFLICTS (PART 4) (CLRMITPICP4)

CHRISTOPHER LIAM ROSE TALKS ABOUT #CLRM - IMPERFECTION - (THE PAST) I CONFLICTS (PART 4) (CLRMITPICP4)

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

So when you go through something like that, there's only two things that can happen. One is um you basically become dead, uh, and the other is you take out your anger, frustration, your pain, your hurt, your loss on the world you know. And instead of me just dying, I did the opposite. I was more angry than ever. I was more in conflict than ever. I was more frustrated than ever because I just suffered the ultimate loss, which was losing my children. So this is where things get deep. So I'm still in the Tutin streets, I'm still grinding and hustling and doing all these things, you know, and you know, I was into a few gangs. I wouldn't say there was a name for the gangs, I'll just say I was I was a part of that culture of you're either a gang member or a gang banger. You know, I was a gang banger, which basically means you're active. A gang member just means you just roll with people that are just gang bangers in the sense of you know, they just affiliated with them. I wasn't I'm not I'm not in that category. I was actually doing things on the streets day to day, year to year, month to month. So you know that that was part of my character, that's who I was. Um, I'm not proud of my past, I never have been, I'm not proud of who I used to be, I'm not proud of the actions that I did. But the whole essence is I'm trying to show you what conflict is, and using my life and as an example of why conflict is so destructive. So as I continue, um and then yeah, obviously, you know, because of that loss, I became in sorrow, hurt, pain, guilt, um, went through a whole different ray of experiences, and due to the violence of what I was doing on the streets, I nearly suffered my first this is a conflict of a near-death experience. Um this was due to the fact of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Uh what happened in in short was uh had a running into another member of gangs and a bright a fight broke out and it got very hectic and um you know I nearly I nearly beat up someone very severely and they nearly beat me up very severely and to the point of yeah I could have passed. Um and that was part of the near-death experience conflict at that Pacific time. And I think what happened to me was when I was 15, um seeing all that conflict that I did as well as what I experienced and the conflict that others did and the loss that I just experienced, I had to find a way out. I had to find a way to get past everything that I was feeling at that time. So what I did was there was another conflict where I was having problems at home with my mum because of my behaviour on the streets, and you know, a lot of people will be saying your son's very destructive and your son's doing a lot of wrong. Uh you know, I keep hearing him in these fights and these wars with other people, you know, I keep hearing him doing these activities of crime, and you know, obviously, my mum being my mum, she cares and loves me, she's trying to protect me, but she doesn't like hearing that her son's always out doing mischief. So, of course, we're gonna have arguments, and we had so many arguments to the point of I decided it was just best for me to move. Two things happened at this stage, which is part of also a conflict. One I lost security, um, so I wasn't secure anymore, I wasn't no one was looking after me in the sense of I just suffered that ultimate loss of um you know losing my children, and my mum obviously and my family was sort of that protective cover that will always look after you in your goods and your bads, and when I decided to move home, I lost that shelter of you can always come come back to this, and I was all alone for the first time in my life. I was all alone with everything I experienced at the age between four and fifteen, and everything that I've done and every experience that I I lived and went past, you know, and uh so then I moved out. Then this is where conflict comes more. So I moved out when I was 15 years old. I moved out from my mother's home in Tootin', um and I moved to a hostel just up the road from Tootin, but more next strap, and this is where the next level of conflict comes in, which is now um the reality of conflict, I'll call it the true reality of conflict. So when I moved out of home, I was homeless, yeah. I was homeless, uh completely homeless. I had nowhere to stay, I was sleeping on park benches and I was eating the garbage that people would leave behind on the sidewalk. Um I don't know what homeless is to other people, but I was homeless and my clothes were in black bags and I was sleeping on these park benches and stuff like that, and um you know until you've really understand what conflict is you just don't understand the whole essence of all the conflict, it's very destructive, and um obviously while I was homeless and I still have in my obviously first you have those physical conflicts of you know being outside alone and there's no support or security, then you have your inner conflicts which are much more damaging, so I had both at the same time. Uh so when I moved into the hostel, um eventually after a few, luckily for me, a few weeks of being homeless on the streets, um the reality kicked in. But something happened. I met someone along my path, which I never expected. I met someone that you know was a proper, genuine, loyal, nice person. And the thing of what happened there was this is another conflict. I was in lust of the person. Um I wasn't in super love in the sense of I was just in I was in complete lust of her being. She was very beautiful, very pretty, very amazing, and it was a complete lust of that that drawed me into really being with her. But the good thing about that lust was it built into a normal level of love, um, because it was the first real time I experienced you know a connection with a person without conflict because it it wasn't a conflict really when it connected, it was just about a lust, and um and the reason why I was very close to this person was the loyalty, a very, very loyal person, and this person was so loyal to me that um even though I was going through what I'd say is the worst experience of my life, uh, when I was in the hostel, uh when I to be honest, I'll put my hands up, I had the ultimate uh confrontation with conflict, which was I suffered the ultimate uh depression because of the loss of my kids and the reality of all the actions I did and the guilt and the regrets and the pain. And I also had a major breakdown because I was just completely lost in my sorrow and pain and hurt and life, you know, and in the hostel that's where everything came to me like a ton of bricks that just fell on me, and you know, I was all alone, and you know, this was the one person that was there when no one else was, and that is why this day, in the sense of the loyalty, I loved her loyalty. Her loyalty was very loyal. I didn't love her as a person because when it started it was lust, it wasn't true love, it was the loyalty of the person, and um obviously in the hostel because of all this conflict and I couldn't take the pain and I couldn't take everything that was going on, another conflict came. And this conflict was I tried to I tried to commit suicide because I couldn't take the pain, I couldn't take the guilt, I couldn't take the loss, I couldn't take all of these things that was destroying my life. So I tried to take my own life more than once at that time and I thought that was the only way I can get past this feeling. So because of that my life went completely downhill and um this is where conflict gets gets extreme. Uh so from I'll say from when I was 15 to when I was about 19, 18, I went I was in and out of hospital. Uh I was in Springfield because I suffered with mental health and depression. So I was actually uh in there because of my illness, and um the one thing I learned was when you get to a place of you're completely destroyed and you just there's no hope of your character or being, you know, you just become lost, and that's what it was. I was just lost in this conflict and I just didn't see a way out. And the the the hardest thing for me to deal with at that time was I took it out on everybody, you know, I took it out on my family, I took it out on my relationship with the girl that I just spoke about, I took it out on everyone that I know. And I had conflict from family at that point. And when you're dealing with your own personal problems as well as having conflict as well, with your own family meant where where they're the ones that's meant to actually be supporting you and guiding you, and actually bringing you down more because they're trying to show you your failures and your flaws and you're weak and you know why you're here and you know you're a nutcase and you have no real character, and you're just a loss, you're just a lost soul, and you're trying to recover, you're trying to heal yourself, you know, that's very damaging, and that's what happened to me, that's how my life was. So for many years I suffered with depression, many years, and um uh deep depression, not just little depression, deep depression. And in the relationship that I was with with this person because of my own conflicts, which I now understand why I did certain actions in the relationship. I was a cheater. I cheated. Um cheated many times. I was very violent, very aggressive. Um I always wanted things my way. You know, I never cared about her feelings. I always I was always focused on I, I, I, I, I and I never took the time out to understand that, you know, there's someone else that you know I should be dedicating my time to. But because I was so wrapped up in my conflicts, that's why that relationship ended. And it's because of my actions, nothing to do with the person, because of who I was, because I didn't know who I was at the time. And uh after like five years of being in a relationship, it broke up.