Episode 2 Katherine Hepburn

I wasn't sure If I should be impressed...or run.

* Names have been changed.  The stories, unfortunately, have not.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

I'm Lori, and welcome back. You're listening to Apparently I'm the Punchline. So we did move to Mountville, and we chose a home on a historic mount, which is why I like to call the town Mountville. And we lived in between two beautiful mansions. Mm-hmm. I would have loved to have lived in either of them or any of the grand homes in town, but the people live in them until they die. So that was not an option for me. But we had a great view of the river, the Appalachian Mountains, and the town. Anyway, I was unpacking, and Teddy was home. It was half day kindergarten. And I said, look, it's a beautiful spring day. I'm not going to do any more unpacking. Let's go walk around the neighborhood, see if we can't meet some kids. So we get to the bottom of our drive and make a left and la la la, just enjoying the weather, and all of a sudden, gunshots. Literally gunshots over our heads. I fall onto Ted into the side of this hill, and I am like, what the fuck is going on here? And I am trying to catch my breath. And as I look up, I kid you not. It's Catherine Hepburn blowing the smoke off the end of her pistol, wearing a yellow cashmere sweater set, pearls, khakis, and her hair done perfectly. And she proceeds to say to me, Don't worry, lovey. There blanks. I hate black birds in my trees. You must be my new neighbor. I don't know, am I? So she said her name was Mary, and I introduced Ted and I and she said, You must come through the hemlock hedge for cocktails so we can get to know one another better. And I was all about that because I love cocktails. And I said, Are you friends with Betty across the street? And she said, Betty? No. And I said, Oh, well, she's rather rude. I went over there yesterday to introduce myself. And she said to me, I don't even think hello. She said, just remember, you'll always be a GDO. Um, okay. What's a G DO? God damn outsider. Oh, well, there's that. But your boys will be from here because you're putting them through the schools. Okay, that makes no sense whatsoever. And then she said, just remember, everybody's watching you. That pissed me off, and I don't even think I said goodbye. And I'm telling Mary this story, and I'm looking at her, and I'm thinking, Mary wouldn't pull that shit. She doesn't play that game. And I knew in that moment we were gonna be great friends. Now, listen, she was 40 years my senior. But in a small town, you have friends of all ages, okay? And I gotta say, less bullshit that way. Anyway, she proceeds to say to me, Oh, and by the way, my best friend Ilsa has invited you for cocktails next week. Nobody says no to Ilsa. I will see you next Tuesday at seven in your driveway. Don't be late. And that was day one.