Episode 1 The Interrogation

I should have known something was off...when I was escorted through the back door.

* Names have been changed.  The stories, unfortunately, have not.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

I'm Lori, and welcome back. You're listening to Apparently I'm the Punchline. Okay, so I would like to answer the burning question: How did we end up at the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains? We were living in Pittsburgh at the time, and my husband got a phone call from a friend of his that said, We need a bank president. I'm on the board of this bank in a small town in southeastern Ohio, and you're the perfect fit. Let's discuss it. That the town is only 1,500 people. Uh-huh. There was much discussion about that. And I said, look, you know, let's just go down and see what this is all about. Let's say it works out. We'd be back in Ohio, where both our families are. We'd raise our boys in a small town. Like, how bad could that be? And who knows? So we went down. And we got to the town. Very idyllic. Reminded me of Mayberry RFD. You can walk everywhere in historic buildings, the big county courthouse, all of it. It was just great. And so Mike went into his meeting and met the board, came out and said, it went great. And I said, Well, that's good, you know. And he said, but before they make a decision, they would like to meet you first. And I'm like, what? Why me? And he said, well, just have a couple questions for you. And I'm like, okay, this is not sounding good right now. And he goes, it's fine. And he said, we're gonna go to the bar across the street. And I said, well, that sounds great. And then he says, but we have to go in the back door. And I'm like, what are you talking about right now? Why? Why do we have to go in the back door? Why can't we go in the front door? And he said, well, one of the board members is scouting out the bar right now to see who all's in there because word travels fast in a small town and they don't really want anyone to see us. Okay. If that wasn't a big red flag slapping me in the face, I don't know what was, but obviously I chose to ignore it. And so we're standing in the parking lot at this back door, waiting for a board member to come open it up and let us in. And honestly, I'm standing there. And I don't know. I'm kind of looking around and I'm thinking, do I even want to do this? Like, I don't know. Am I out of my mind? I don't know. I don't know at this point. All of a sudden, the board member opens up the door, about smacks me in the head, and he's like, hurry, hurry, hurry, get in here right now. No, no, no. And I'm like, Jesus, can you at least say hello? And we're just shove through the door and get inside. And before I say hello to anybody, I order a cocktail because I am not gonna sit through this interrogation with that one. Jesus. So they start asking me questions like, Ain't no mall close to here. Are you gonna be okay with that? That's like 40 minutes away, 45 minutes. Oh my god, yada yada yada. You gonna like living in a small town? How the hell do I know? So I finally said to them, Look, let me tell you a little something about myself. I make my fun wherever I go. And I live my life with my cup half full. Not too worried about myself. In regards to your question, will I like living in a small town? I have no clue because I've never done it. But I'm gonna put my best foot forward if that's the decision Mike and I make to move here. Oh, and so this all-male board continues to ask me questions, and honestly, I ordered another cocktail and I just started zoning out. And I realized there are town rules. Now, there aren't rules, but there are rules. The men, they don't follow them. The women, they do. And as they're talking, and I'm thinking about how the town reminds me of Mayberry, Aunt B flashes through my brain, and all of a sudden, I'm realizing something. I've taken a step back in time, and what they're wanting is a Mrs. Drysdale. But what they're getting is an ethnic Lucille Ballet.