Episode 4 The Big Ass Hole

I wasn't prepared for this.

* Names have been changed.  The stories, unfortunately, have not.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

I'm Lori, and welcome back. You're listening to Apparently I'm the Punchline. So I think it was about a month after we had moved in. I was really missing my girlfriends from Pittsburgh. I was like homesick and just kind of, I don't know, I hadn't met a lot of people yet. And so I had invited him down for the day to check out our town and see our new home. I was all excited. I got up and I walked the kids down to the bus stop. And as I was starting to walk back up to the hill, someone tapped me on my shoulder and I'm like, turn around. And the woman says, Hi, I'm Nancy. Are you Lori? Uh new, you're new to town, right? And I said, Yeah, I'm new to town. It's nice to meet you. We were talking just a little bit, and then she said, Well, you seem awfully nice. And I said, Well, thank you. And she said, because that's not what Bonnie in town is telling everybody. And I'm like, who's Bonnie? And she said, Oh, she's the beautician. And I'm like, I don't even know who she is. I've never met her. And she said, Well, she's telling everybody that you're a big city bitch and that you think you're all that and a bag of chips. I'm like, what does chips have to do with any of this? I turned to her and I said, look, would you mind giving Bonnie a message from me? Please just tell her for me that if I was such a big city bitch, why the hell would I move here? Thank you. And I walked back up the hill. And I thought to myself, nothing's gonna ruin my day. I'm gonna forget about that. Just happen. I'm gonna go home, take my shower, get the coffee on, and get excited about my girlfriend's coming. So after all of that, I was trying to enjoy my coffee when the ground under my feet started rumbling. I am just like, what the hell is going on here? And poor George, he's running at the door, clawing like he just can't get out fast enough. And it finally stops, and I opened the door to let him out, and I see him run around, and I run after him, and I look down, and it's a big ass hole. The whole side of our yard has just sunk in. I am like, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? So I run in the house and I call Mike, per usual, and I'm like, Paula, it's Lori. I have a major emergency. Please get Mike on the phone. I have a big ass hole in the yard. So Mike gets on the phone and he's like, oh my God, who is it? I go, what? Who's what? And he goes, Who's the big ass hole? And I'm like, no, it's a big ass hole. Jesus, just get here now. So he gets home. He walks around and he's like, oh shit, this is a big ass hole. And I'm like, I told you. So he grabs like this big piece of plywood we had in the garage and some stakes and and tied off with roping and this so the kids don't fall in at walking home. And so I'm I'm just like, oh my God. So he leaves and I go back in the kitchen and I'm like trying to call myself again because I'm thinking nothing's gonna ruin my day. And as I went to sit down to enjoy that damn cup of coffee, it started again. And this time the rumbling was louder and stronger. I looked out the window to see the plywood flying straight up in the air, the stakes flying straight up in the air, and the rope. And I grabbed the kitchen counter, did my cross, and put my head down because I knew I was gonna be buried alive with this house. It was over, that was it. And thank God the rumbling stopped again. So George and I go running out to the run around to the side, and it's now a big ass cavern. This thing is now up underneath our home, stretching out. It's an 1800s home. So now I'm thinking, what's happened with the foundation? Do I even want to go back in? Like, I don't even know. And I am just like, fuck this day. Just fuck this day. Now I have to cancel my girlfriend's coming. And now I don't even know what to say. So I go in, I call Mike. Paula answers again. And I'm like, Paula, don't even get Mike. Just tell him to come back home because the big asshole just got bigger. And she goes, Okay, I will. And I'm like, thank you. He comes home, walks around to the side, and he just said, Jesus. He said, Well, I won't be going back to work. And I'm like, I don't think you will either. So later on in the afternoon, he made some calls, but anyway, I'm making his cocktails. My days, my day's just been ruined, and I need a cocktail. So it was around 4:30, and we're making cocktails, and these men start walking up our driveway. I think there's like five of them, and they had, they were all sipping a beer, and they two of them had like a six-pack around their wrist or pairing it, whatever. They just walk up in our yard. They don't ring the doorbell. They don't wave. They don't do anything, okay? They just walk straight into our yard and surround the big asshole. And they just start talking to one another, sipping their beers. And Mike's like, we should probably go out there and introduce ourselves. And I'm like, Yeah, I think so. So we walk out, they said to Mike, heard you got a big asshole. Mike goes, Yep, looks that way. And the one guy said, I know what did it. So those damn water pipes they put through up here. They used the wrong size and they were way bigger than they were supposed to use. And the next guy said, No, Joe, no. We had a lot of rain, a lot. And the ground got too soft above your cistern. Pete, that is not it at all. I'm telling you. So this went on and on. How much gravel you think's gonna fill that hole? I'd say a ton. Are you kidding me, Pete? It's gonna be six tons. Okay, now I'm I've had enough of this shit. I just I just had enough. So I walk inside and I sit down and I'm just sipping my cocktail, watching them all just looking into this hole, sipping their beers and talking about this damn hole. And as I'm looking at it, I'm thinking, you know, they look so happy. Like they were just so happy, smiling, laughing, just looking at a damn hole. And I thought to myself, if it only takes a hole in a six pack to entertain around here, I'm in great shape.