Episode 6 Skiing into a Funeral and Lions with Lipstick

Just when I thought I was bored.

* Names have been changed.  The stories, unfortunately, have not.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

I'm Lori, and welcome back. You're listening to Apparently I'm the Punchline. So I had another neighbor on the other side of me, and his name was Baron, and he lived with his mother, who lived to be 105. She was a hoot, very spry and hilarious. Anyway, he wore many hats in town from mayor to village council to teaching local history in the schools. But when I moved there, he was minister of the church at the bottom of the mount that we lived on. And it was like spring, but we had this snowstorm, but it was like, you know, beginning of spring. And we had this snowstorm, and it snowed a foot, had some ice in it, whatever. It was kids were home from school, and we all kind of were looking longingly out the window because we gave up our skiing this year because Mike started his new job as bank president. So I looked at the boys and I said, Mommy's going skiing. Grab your coats, grab George, let's go. So I grab my skis and I'm like, let me check it out first, see how it is. We get around front, throw my skis down, click in the left boot, click in the right boot, and I'm excited, and I take off. And my skis hit that ice and I go flying. Here's what I forgot to factor in. The seven foot drop. Mm-hmm. And when I hit that, I go straight out and then straight down. And I hit hard and I slide into the back of that church screaming like a wild woman. Just as the funeral is letting out. No one's coming over. How are you? No. Can we help you up? No. But then I hear from the front of the church Baron. And I know it's Baron because he has a very distinct voice. And he said, Oh, really? Oh, that's my new neighbor. I'm sure I'll meet her eventually. And I have to tell you, in that moment, I knew I was going to love this man because I know what they said to him. They said, This woman just skied down your hill and flew into the back of the church, and and he he knew exactly who it was without even having met me. So this was gonna work out great. The boys loved him too, and even George, even though he was a cat person, he loved George. Anyway, the boys would do certain things over the years, um, climb his trees, um, you know, just little things, nothing major. But one day, speaking of snowstorms, Henry was a senior in high school and was late for work. And he worked at the bottom of the hill at the pharmacy. And he said, Mom, I'm running late. I'm just driving so I can get there. And I'm like, Henry, it's like, I don't know if you should drive. You should just walk. He said, Mom, I'm leaving now. And I'm like, okay, fine. So he leaves. And a couple minutes later, I get a phone call. It's Henry. Mom, mom, I think I ran over Barron. You need to go outside right now and check on him. Um, please. And I'm like, what the hell are you talking about? You didn't even stop the car to check on him? And he goes, Well, Mom, I was running late. Please go check on him. Are you fucking kidding me right now? I go outside because we share like a drive. And here is Baron. Like plastered up against this stone wall, like half in the driveway, half up. And the shovel, the snow shovel, poor thing, who was shoveling the drive. The shovel's out in the middle of the road. And I am like, oh my God, are you okay? And God love him. He starts laughing hysterically. And he said, you know, I know Henry was worried that he might have to get a new muffler. But tell him everything looks good under there. And oh my God. I mean, I was blessed with this man. That's all I have to say. And he had this um boy that was probably in his 20s, I should say, man, but um, and he would help him with yard work, housework. He came from a troubled home, but you know, Baron took a lot of people in and really helped them. So um he was helping Baron, and he had a brought with him this one day after he was done with his yard work because the yards were really big, and Barron was getting up in age and you know, needed the help. But this kid was done, and he pulls out paints, and I'm thinking, oh, he's gonna go probably paint like a watercolor or whatever from this one side of Baron's home because it is the most beautiful view, honestly, of the entire town. And so I didn't think much of it, but I'm an artist, so I was curious. But I went inside, I'd been weeding, and it was getting hot, and I thought I'm gonna wait till the sun goes down to go back out and finish. So it was about four o'clock now, and I go back out. And you would have to know that Baron collected fine antiques. Honestly, Antiques Roadshow could have done an entire season, just his home alone. And not only did he have beautiful things inside, but he collected antique lawn stuff. Like he loved lions, okay? And like the kind that stood sentry at the front door, like huge carved stone lions and others around, very regal looking, okay? And so I go around front to finish my weeding, and I look over at Barons and I let out a scream that woke the dead. The beautiful lions on either side of his front door now had a gold metallic mane, a brown body, blue eyes, and red lipstick that was shaped in a heart for the for the lion's lips, for God's sakes. And this kid comes running around because he had heard me scream, and I am just like, what have you done to Parents Lions? Oh my god, does he know you did this? And he said, No, they were just so plain. I wanted to surprise him. I am like, oh my god, oh my god. I I said, Well, I've got to tell you, when's he gonna be home? I want to make sure I'm out front when he sees this, because I know this is going to be a hell of a surprise, honestly. And just as I finish saying that, the next thing I know, here comes Baron. And I just want to say, if you've never seen somebody like like immediately lose all their color from their face from shock, it is quite a spectacle to see. And he grabbed his heart and he turned gray, like gray white, and wasn't speaking. Wasn't speaking. He's never at a loss for words. He couldn't even speak. He was like in a trance, fixated on these lions. I I I was thinking like, maybe I need to go get a glass of cold water and throw it on and bring it back to reality. And I tried talking to him to get him out of it. He wasn't having any of it. I don't even think he heard me. I really don't I was like looking for one of those metal blankets or whatever, you know, those foil things to throw over him to get his body temperature back up. Nothing. So I decided to leave the two of them out front. And I just yelled over, Baron, if you need to come over and discuss this later, I have wine ready for both of us. And the next morning, the boy is now power washing all the lions, especially the two big ones. And I have to tell you, this is what was so sad, they were never right again because they still had faint red lips in the shape of that heart that just made you laugh.