Episode 7 Dairy Queen...moo

Apparently…. They were not ready for nudes.

* Names have been changed.  The stories, unfortunately, have not.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Okay, so after one of Mike's board meetings, the board said, Hold up a minute, we'd like to talk to you about something. And Mike said, Oh, what's that? And they said, Your wife. And Mike said, Oh? And they said, Well, how do we want to put this? She's a little forward. We see her on Main Street. Her arms are flying everywhere. She's talking to men. She's loud. She needs to tone it down a little bit. And Mike just chuckled and he said, until you put her on the payroll, this conversation is over. And yay, my husband. Anyways, that night was the Art Guild meeting, and I'm an artist, and was at the meeting, and Mike was speaking at the meeting. So he said at the end that the bank had art tracking that he would like to utilize and would like to start showing local artists and wanted to kick it off with the wine and cheese night in a couple of weeks, and said, you know, everyone to drop off two pieces of art to the bank and we'll get it started. Well, I get home and I said, okay. So I know what you said at the meeting, but does the two pieces of art, any art we want, include me in that equation? And he said, Of course. And I said, Well, are you forgetting what I paint? I paint funky flowers and I paint nude women, sometimes together. And he said, I know. And I said, So I can pick any two paintings I want. And he said, That's what I said. And I got a big smile on my face. And I start looking through my paintings. And I found two that I thought were perfect. The first one was a vase of funky flowers. And the title was. The first one was a vase of futuristic funky flowers, and I titled it I've landed on Mars. The second painting was a nude, a woman, hanging upside down with very large breasts in her face, flowers for her nipples, flowers on her vagina, and kind of flowers falling. And I titled that Dairy Queen. I thought it was appropriate. Anyway, it was the night of the art show. And in walks the board. And I'm sipping on my wine and watching them approach my nude. And this is what I hear. Oh, oh dear God. Put your hand over your eyes. Dear Lord, what is she doing? We have to talk to Mike about this. This is not acceptable. And I am just loving it. And I am just pounding the wine and eating the cheese and having a big old time. Oh, yes. And then the junior high teacher comes up to me and she said, you know, I love your work. I just wanted you to know. And I said, Well, Maria, coming from you, that's a huge compliment. Thank you. And she said, but, yep, but could you remove it when I bring the kids that are taking art right now at the junior high, bringing them on a field trip? And I said, no. I said, no, Maria, and I'll tell you why. Here's your opportunity to talk about nudity in art. My work could not be any more tongue-in-cheek. It's just to let you know, my work is abstract realism. A child could have done it. Or Picasso-ish, okay. Very bright colors, very uh the implication of the nude is there. Let's just put it that way. So I said, and actually, if our school had the funding, we'd be able to take them on a field trip to the Columbus Museum of Art, where they would actually see real breasts, real penises, real vaginas, and God forbid a clitoris. Okay. So, yeah, I'm not gonna remove it. Um, and that was the end of our conversation. A couple days later, I get a call from Mike, and he said, You're not you're not gonna believe this. But Maria brought the kids through. And I said, What? And he goes, Yeah, we didn't remove your painting. She didn't ask for it to be removed. And I go, well, good for her. I'm happy she did that. And as I hung up, oh, I realized something. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. My son is in junior high, my oldest. He was at the time. And his friends had come through that day. Now listen, I look, if I embarrass myself, that's one thing, okay? Totally different thing. But I don't want to embarrass my children. Never, ever, ever. And I just got this sick feeling in my stomach. Kind of like the time when I painted our front door purple, bright purple, because I was pissed off at the town. And I just chose to paint the door purple. And those poor boys thought I was losing my mind and called Mike, and he said, just stay away from mom till I get home. Anyways, I called the junior high and I said, Please tell Henry not to take the bus today. I'm gonna be picking him up. They said, No problem. So I go to pick him up, and he gets in the car and he goes, Why are you picking me up? And I said, Well, I was really worried about you. And he said, Why? And I said, Well, honey, I didn't think about something, but a lot of your friends came through today to see the local artists, and I had one of my nudes hanging. And and he starts laughing. He goes, Oh my god, is that why you picked me up? And I said, Well, honey, I don't want to embarrass you. And he said, Jesus, mom. He goes, I was sitting there having lunch, and they all walked up to me and they go, Your mom paints boobs, dude. And I told him, Well, you should see what else she's doing at home. And I have to tell you, that was a very, very proud moment for me.