Episode 8 Fine Dining with the Feds

I sensed that something was off about the town…and boy was I right!

* Names have been changed.  The stories, unfortunately, have not.

Transcript

0:07

I'm Lori, and welcome back. You're listening to Apparently I'm the Punchline. Okay, so I had to return a couple books to the library. And so I walked down there, and Faye, my friend, who works the front desk, was in that day. And she leaned over and she said, Did I tell you that Bill and Barbara are former CIA and FBI agents? This is what I'm hearing. And I'm like, What? What are you even saying? Are you shitting me right now? Like, this is the most exciting thing I've heard since we moved here. Oh my God. So I was like, did you ask them? And she said, What? You can't ask somebody something like that. And I'm like, why not? I would have. She said, Do you have time to talk? And I'm like, oh, I wish I did. Fortunately, I had to leave. And as I'm walking home, I can't even wrap my mind around all of this. And um I got to thinking about maybe having a dinner party and finding out about this. And I don't know. This is what was going through my mind as I was walking up the hill. And as I was walking up the hill, I turned to my right and I see a man in a suit cradling a bag of Conn's potato chips like a newborn baby hiding behind an oak tree. And that's when I knew it was Skip. Skip is chairman of the bank board, went to Duke Law School, and actually, for his 60th, they put a big lit-up sign in front of his practice that said, Bring Skip a bag of chips and wish him happy birthday. Which pissed his wife off because she had him on a low cholesterol diet. Anyway, as I'm walking up the hill, I don't want him to know that I've seen him because it's so embarrassing. Like it was so embarrassing for me to even be looking at him. I felt so sorry for him. I mean, he's cradling this bag of chips like it's a baby, and he's eating the chips. And as I'm walking up the hill, he's starting to roll around like the back of the tree. So I wouldn't see him, but I see him. Just to give you a visual, think Chris Farley and Tommy Boy. Preppy. Scruffy. Large. And I will say this. I do love how he says my name. He says it like Lorre. Like, like it's this deep south southern draw, like Lorray. And Duke Law School, though, is not in the deep south. So not really sure where he got that. Anyways, I just keep walking ahead, not trying not to look at him. And I just thought to myself, dear God, Skip, hurry and finish those chips before you get home. Or else you're gonna have hell to pay. I get home and I notice there's a box at my front door. So I go to grab it, and it's a moist and meaty dog food box. And I'm thinking, that's interesting. And it had a note on the top, and it said, happy housewarming. But it doesn't say who it's from. And I'm thinking, well, our dog doesn't really eat this food, but nice gesture. So I walk into the house and I open the box and I look down and it is full of VHS porn tapes. I don't think I'll be writing a thank you note for that. I grab a tablet and go into the living room because I need to get my guest list together for this dinner party. And what the federal agents did not know is that they would be the guests of honor. And we threw lots of parties, they were bank customers, so it wouldn't be out of the ordinary. We'd be inviting them to one of our parties. And so later in the week, everyone came and there was about 12 of us. And we were just having a great time, cocktails and just really enjoying one another's company. And we sit down for dinner, and I thought I'm gonna wait till everyone has about two glasses of wine in them before I ask the question. And it's about that time. So I say, Bill, is it true that you and Barbara are former CIA and FBI agents? And Faye dropped her fork on the China. As Bill says, Yes, would you like to hear the story? Um, hello, would I? I am all ears. Like, this is awesome. So he proceeds to tell us these stories that were very interesting. And then he said they had met working on like the same case, and then they started dating, got married, and then they retired to Mountville, which I found very interesting. Anyways, we had after dinner drinks, and then everyone left. And then Mike and I poured ourselves another one and went to the living room. And I said, Well, well, things are starting to make a little more sense to me. You know how I have been saying that there's something off about this town. Can't put my finger on it, but there's just something that's off. And I keep seeing all these little things that just don't add up. And I'm the only one that sees it. Like I try to tell people, and they're like, oh, you're hilarious. You have such a wild imagination. And it's not my imagination, people. It's really happening. Like, open your eyes. Anyways, Mike's like, calm down. You know, you do tend to be the only one that sees this kind of thing, and you know, that's just your life. But I do think you're right. And so I start adding up in my head all of these things I was seeing and have been seeing, and I got to thinking, you know, this could be the beginning, and little did I know, I would be seeing a lot more, but I think that's a good idea.