Prancing Peacocks

Partying with Peacocks, dinner at the Feed Store and Witness relocation!

* Names and location have been changed...mostly.  The stories, unfortunately, have not.

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SPEAKER_01 0:07

Thanks for tuning in to Apparently I'm the Punchline, Season Two. Okay, so when I was in the art guild, first two people I meet was a gay couple. And I loved them immediately. Because they also loved the fact that I hung Dairy Queen, the upside-down nude with the boobs in her face, just to get the board all excited, the bank board. And they thought it was a hoop, and that was it. We were friends ever since. And it wasn't long after that, they invited Mike and I to their home for a party. So I was all excited. I love a party. And I had no idea. No idea what was coming down the pike. We get there, and we're, you know, it's the foothill of the Appalachian Mountains, even though it's Ohio, it, you know, wasn't flat at all. It's a very hilly area. And so we had you had to park on like the upside of the hill because they lived like down in a holler. And they had like these kids um driving four-wheelers, picking you like getting you from your car and then taking you down so you wouldn't get stuck down there. So as we're going down the drive, peacocks, peacocks everywhere. Blue peacocks, white peacocks, prancing peacocks, sitting peacocks. Where the hell am I? Stunning. Simply stunning. We go up to the home, which the both of them had built, and they had this uh wine bottle collection they had um saved up, I guess, all different colors of bottled wine, like every butt color you can think of. They had it from purple to black to gold to green to red, blue, you know, all of them. And that was the foundation of their home that you could see right underneath, all the way around the house. And they had like the round circle ends sticking out, and then at night it lit up. Oh, it was a piece of art in and of itself. Beautiful, brilliant. We go inside, and to the left, we went into the dining room, and there was a table there that had the coolest vintage plates. Like all different, nothing matched, okay, just all different kinds of vintage plates with the most fabulous cheese on each one. I thought I died and gone to heaven. And I know where they got these cheeses. They drove in all the way to Columbus to get these cheeses at Katzinger's Deli for this party. And I just want to say that was not lost on me. I appreciated that immensely. I didn't leave that room for quite a while. But anyway, this home was, well, how do I want to describe it? I'm gonna describe it as I'm gonna describe it architecture and personality. And I would say Frank Lloyd Wright meets Andy Warhol. Yeah, I'm happy with that. I think that that's it. So it was a great, I mean, how could you not have a great evening walking in with peacocks? Okay, that's it. So not long after that, they moved and they bought a property in town on the river. And it was the feed store. Big huge corner lot, cement brick building, massive on our historic river, we which we have hand cranked locks. Now, I'm not gonna get into any history, all right, but let me just say where we live was oozing with it. Anything civil war, yada yada. I do not like history for the mere reason that when I was in eighth grade, my history teacher threw a three or three-inch hard-bound history book at my head for talking. I was talking. Okay. He could have just said, be quiet. But that was back when I deserved that, right? Anyway, they invited us over for dinner. And you know, when you see the feed store, there's this huge cement ramp that goes all the way to the top of the building, right? Where then the trunks would dump the feed down this huge lake hole that would go into the feed store. All right. Well, when you went there, you drove right up that ramp, straight into their home. Yep, straight into their home. Matter of fact, straight into their kitchen, and they just be, oh, sauteing shrimp, and be like, oh, hey, we have your cocktails ready. What? Who does that? It's crazy. I doubt many of you can say that's happened to you. I highly doubt it. So this place had original hardwood flooring, huge, huge windows. This place was massive. And they had herring bone, wood patterned, barn doors, original to the feed store everywhere. I died. I died. Oh stunning. You know, I told him, I said, look, somebody should be calling architectural digest to do an entire spread on this place. Because I'd never seen one of anyone moving into a food food store. That'd be weird. Or feed store, even weirder, and it would be brilliant. This place, they they have literally turned it into something special, and it's been a work in progress, and it just continues to get better and better and better. I mean, I felt honored to be there. Well, that evening, um, after dinner, we're sitting there chatting, probably with after dinner drinks, I'm sure of it. And the one, one of my the one friend walked back into the room, and he had this huge box, holding this huge box, and he sets it on the coffee table in front of me. And he said, I have a surprise for you. Okay, not my birthday, but um does there happen to be a dead body in there? No, okay, that's good. Um, no clue, no clue, but I love a surprise. He then proceeds to tell me that he was in witness relocation. Oh, oh my god. I I I'm actually getting lightheaded again, just even thinking about that moment because I am like, oh my god, like I've been talking about this for how long? Like everyone thinks I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs in town, and you guys have heard me saying all this, and I will say, they never said I was crazy. Never. They never discounted anything I would say. Anyway, I am like, wait, like, what were you in witness relocation here? Or like he goes, no, but I knew you'd love to hear this story. And I'm like, oh my god, I'm all ears. Go for it. And he starts a story. When he went to Ohio State in the evenings, um, he would drive this limo. He was a limo driver for a company that would pick people up at the airport and take them to where they needed to go. And this one evening, he picked up three Italian gentlemen at the airport. And they all get in the back seat, and he said, I want you to drive down this one road that's in Columbus. And it's a very helly road, a very scary road. It's called Walla Hollow Drive. And like when we were in high school, we'd go driving down there at night, like when it was dark out and creep everyone out, you know. Um, but it is a creepy, it's kind of creepy. So, anyway, as they're driving down the road, the one gentleman that is sitting behind him leans forward and says, When you hit the curve, gun it and don't look back. So he gets to the curve, he guns it. Gunshot, door open, one body down. Mm-hmm. Yep. And he's just speeding away. And then they said to him, You tell no one. Absolutely no one. And if you go to the police, we're gonna know about it because we're gonna be watching you. And do you know what he did?

SPEAKER_00 11:17

He went to the police for God's sakes. I don't know if I could have done it.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

Like I would have been too scared. I would have been like, mom's the word, take a lock, throw away the key. I'm good. You know, I didn't even see you. Oh my god. He had balls. Balls! Balls to the wall. I I oh I just don't know if I could have done it. I mean, think about it. You think about it on your own and see what you come up with. But oh my god. So they immediately be put him in witness relocation because why? Because they were in the mafia. Mm-hmm. Even saying the word, I get creeped out. Yeah. And guess where they put him in? Witness relocation. Not Mountville, obviously. Disney World. Disney World of all places. And then he got to finish college there. They gave him a job. I don't know what all. He was there for a while, okay, waiting on this trial to happen. And um, he was their star witness, okay? So it was about a week before the trial was to begin. And um, he was in the cafeteria there and got his tray and was sitting down for lunch. And this gentleman comes up, sits across from him, sits down and says, just remember you saw nothing, gets up and walks away. And because he is who he is, he let them know immediately, and he had 24 hours surveillance protection, all of it, okay? Got to the trial, testified, and he was not allowed to talk about it until each one had died. And the last one had just died before they had us over for dinner. So they were so excited to let me know about this.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

Which I was just like, it was like right underneath me, and you know, I'm thinking the whole time I'm talking about all my cookiness, and it's like he's right there.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

Anyways, these two guys are absolutely amazing people. And the surprises continued.