CHAPTER TWO - Mars Attacks

Humanity’s first landing on Mars was supposed to change history. They weren’t supposed to have a meeting. When astronauts unexpectedly discover an intelligent alien, the future of the human race changes instantly, and nobody is emotionally prepared for it. The aliens remain calm. Humanity absolutely does not.

Transcript

SPEAKER_06 0:00

69th Contact by Jay Den. Chapter 2 Mars Attacks. Thousands of years of development and humanity's backup plan careened toward Mars in the form of a vacuum-sealed can of tinned humans. Known to all Earthlings as Starship Looper, the rocket captured the hopes and dreams of a species full of contradictions. Houston. Crackle.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

We have a problem.

SPEAKER_06 0:29

Wails of alarm erupted around a classroom-like box of beings labeled Mission Control. One by one, computer terminals bled red. Warnings popped up across their screens like a good old-fashioned Russian hack job. The world's most socially awkward and overactive minds sat glued to desks of computers encased in blue screens of death. The workstations let out one last choir of overheated squeals before convulsing with warnings, and the empty plastic carcasses fell dark. A tidal wave of heads lurched towards a man in a navy bomber jacket, a weathered expression, and a mission patch labeled him as flight director.

SPEAKER_05 1:07

Status report, stat.

SPEAKER_06 1:08

But before anyone could respond, ear-ringing static buzzed through the speakers. Every screen flickered, as though the system had just undergone an antivirus inoculation, and all panic stations declared themselves cured. What just happened? asked the flight director. Um, I don't know, sir, replied a nearby flight controller.

SPEAKER_02 1:27

Raptor Engine 3 is cut off, and engines one and two are compensating. Everything is nominal.

SPEAKER_06 1:33

Confused, the flight director raced through the data and saw a bald patch of code. It appears we have a guardian angel. Starship Looper's livestream warped through time and space until it beamed onto a covert base, conveniently located smack bang in the middle of the Earth's moon. The stadium-sized, ring-shaped base was hidden by one ginormous holographic display, known to its occupants as the Tarp of Invisibility. Guardian Angel, my dove-gray, gluteous maximus, said a stern voice belonging to a seven-foot-tall, slender, grey alien with a fascination for pastel-colored linen robes. She stared down at a cinema-style screen and a cascading wall of computer terminals. The control room looked like it had been ripped from the pages of a beginner's manual to conspiracy theories. It was filled with extraterrestrials, smothered in high-tech, and so ergonomic that slip hazard signs plastered the walls.

SPEAKER_00 2:33

Minister Toshi, stage one is complete, said an AI voice identical to Cyril. Starship Lupa has just penetrated the Martian landscape.

SPEAKER_06 2:42

Very good, Sam, she said, knitting her fingers together and resting them on her bony sternum.

SPEAKER_00 2:47

Um, Minister, there seems to be an issue developing.

SPEAKER_06 2:50

Minister Toshi pursed her lizard lips. Her globe-like eyes paced along the holograms.

SPEAKER_00 2:55

What now? Lack of Raptor III has caused thrust oscillations, resulting in some pretty bad vibes.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

Have the humans picked up on it?

SPEAKER_00 3:04

No.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Then, smooth out the burn and utilize all reserves. It's not like they're going to need it. But they might notice. At this point, I don't think it matters.

SPEAKER_06 3:19

Uttered Minister Toshi, gently folding herself into one of the many IKEA chairs they'd hijacked from Earth. She drummed her manicured nails on her designated computer terminal, pulled out a crystal hip flask, drowning in a honey-colored liquid, and knocked back a shot.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

We have been waiting too excessively long for them to get to this point.

SPEAKER_06 3:40

After a few excruciating moments, the landing pad's metal arms gripped Starship Weaver with a lifesaving hug. Stylish robots, akin to designer crash test dummies, marched into formation. In two rows, the Mars-themed humanoids lined the airlock corridor of the catch tower, waiting for the Starship hatch to open. Each bot carried a welcome tote containing details of each astronaut's meal package, a map, an itinerary, and keycards. At the end of the string of machines stood a bot coated in red, white, and blue. A pristine American flag was nestled safely in its unyielding steel grip of aluminum and rubber.

SPEAKER_00 4:17

Stage two complete. The humans have landed and the insemination of Mars has begun. All Federation staff, get ready for Earth's initial contact.

SPEAKER_06 4:27

Howls of joy and retro beats from the turn of the 21st century thumped through the lunar mission control. Glittery paper mache globes of the Earth, Mars, and baby starships whizzed into the room on little drones. One of the drones tangled in a foil congratulatory banner, screaming the words, Happy Planet Warming, and crashed into the ground.

SPEAKER_01 4:48

Here goes the total and utter annihilation of everything these beings hold dear, said Minister Toshi.

SPEAKER_06 4:56

She shifted her gaze to an empty terminal with a nameplate that read Fermi and let out a body-wrenching sigh.

SPEAKER_01 5:03

Send out the welcome party and activate the camera drones.

SPEAKER_00 5:06

Order confirmed, initializing now, replied San.

SPEAKER_06 5:10

With Doby digital sound and ultra-high definition, the cinema screen projected humanity's historic achievement of setting foot on Mars and stabbing a flag on the ground. Which, frankly, was just another Monday for construction workers of a species above three on the Kardashev scale. The camera soared through the Martian landscape and stopped two miles away from the Martian star base. Skidding to a halt, the footage displayed a park full of suggestive rock formations designed to keep humans guessing the nature of the universe for decades. Ignoring the human mind trap, a smidgen to the right and half a football field away, was a very average molehill no one even bothered to map. The knoll folded away, and a black, militarized hovercraft tore from its hiding spot and charged across the Martian landscape. The hovercraft bore a lone humanoid extraterrestrial peace agent, donning a high-tech Onyx spacesuit that would make any gamer froth and 3D printer moan. Thousands of miles away, back at the Federation Lunar Base, Minister Toshi slipped out of the control center, harsh starlight strummed across her dewy grey skin as she dashed across empty corridors dipped in silver. Her ivory linen clothing battled to keep up. She came to an abrupt stop, sending her thin shadow reeling over a steel door. The sleek entrance slid aside and revealed a van-sized control room, the kind special agents or stalkers kill for. Inside sat a brooding, muscular being, concealed in a jet-black jumpsuit. Monitors and holograms emanated a dull glow. The light beaded on the tips of his green, scaly skin. Minister Toshi placed a drink on the control desk and nudged her hand against a shoulder guard of epaulets mounted onto the skulking mass's shoulder.

SPEAKER_01 7:00

Fermi, have you chosen your Earth ambassador yet?

SPEAKER_06 7:04

Uh, Toshi, exclaimed Fermi with a jot. Absent-mindedly, he scrolled through his list of candidates and exhaled. What flavor of no would you like?

SPEAKER_01 7:14

You've had ample time to assess your options and pick a candidate. There must be at least one person on the planet you approve of.

SPEAKER_06 7:22

Fermi grunted and bared his teeth. The dim light painted his pearly whites in a blue haze. An alarm cried out, and the two figures shrouded in shadow looked up at a towering wall of monitors. Giant red letters screamed, 69th Contact Imminent, and saturated them in a crimson light. Fermi flicked camera views and cut to a close-up angle of the unfolding events. They observed the alien roadster drift to a predetermined parking spot, impeccably positioned in front of the Starship crew. The newly minted Martians freaked out in a way that was more viral than COVID-19, destined to trickle through social media for decades. In a fit of adrenaline-fueled brilliance, one astronaut fainted, another faceplanted while running back towards the starship, and the third threw a rock, inadvertently smacking the fleeing astronaut in the center of its helmet. Thundering out of the pandemonium, the captain let out a battle cry, stampeded into the danger, and plucked out the American flag from the soil. He tightened his grip around his javelin of freedom and eyed down the alien. Back at the lunar base, Fermi let out a heated snoot and slumped in his chair. He tossed his attention out the window, across the lunar vista, and up to the Earthrise.

SPEAKER_05 8:32

No one expected the Earthlings to stop fighting over resources long enough to reach this point, but here we are.

SPEAKER_06 8:37

Toshi tapped Fermi on the shoulder and pulled his attention back to the monitor. Together they cringed, watched the Starship captain throw his lance of liberty. The star-spangled banner whisked through the thin Martian air as the alien peace agent effortlessly stepped to the side and watched the flag stab the red sword. The captain charged the alien peace agent in one last all-out dance of wit and brawn. With the flick of a finger, the agent activated an electromagnetic field. The captain ricocheted off the invisible barrier and bounced against a boulder. A collective wince echoed across the world, rebounded through the alien lunar base, and trickled down to Fermi and Toshi.

SPEAKER_05 9:17

I have chosen a dozen earthlings, but they are also Young?

SPEAKER_06 9:21

Queried Toshi. They both squinted at the screen and found the peace agent helping the captain to his feet. In slow, direct movements, the agent stepped back, made a peace symbol, and presented the captain with a carbon fiber box so dark, all light avoided it. The Starship captain returned the symbol of peace and seized the offering. Fingers trembling, he opened the box, revealing a luminous golden medallion with the words, Federation of United Cosmic Kind, etched around two spiraling golden ratios. The captain jumped with excitement and pointed to a camera drone. A frenzy of photographs and poses ensued as the other astronauts emerged from their hiding places and positioned themselves for a group photo. In the ruckus, the captain plucked his makeshift javelin from the Martian Earth and anointed the alien with the American flag. No, not young, full of themselves, said Fermi, prodding the screen containing the starship captain trying to communicate with the peace agent. The captain's method of choice was a type of sign language that tourists used to communicate with locals.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

They are a young species, said Toshi. But give them a chance. With the right guidance, they could be one of our galaxy's biggest assets.

SPEAKER_05 10:36

Or weapon.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

I guess we will have to find out. The initiation has started.

SPEAKER_05 10:42

Oh, space balls. I wish I didn't have to be in the welcome message, growled Fermi.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

Don't worry. We edited out all your, how should I say it? Personality. The pre-recording has gone through more edits than an Earth novel.

SPEAKER_05 10:58

Great. But I'll still be the first person the Earthlings think of when they picture a being from another planet.

SPEAKER_01 11:04

Shh, you're on.

SPEAKER_06 11:06

A heroic melody reserved for news broadcasts or motivational speakers played as a revolutionary data stream interrupted the Mars landing and took over all channels. Every screen on Earth emitted an image of a being that looked like a steroid-induced gecko, and a teenage mutant Ninja Turtle had a love child and raised it on YouTube, Reddit, and ESPN. The Olive Green Alien wore a black army flight suit with the gold name tag reading, Fermi. The recorded Fermi glowed in all his melancholy enthusiasm and cited, Hello, Hugh Persons of Earth.

SPEAKER_05 11:41

I am your god, Ain, Fermi Galaxion Nix. I have the honor to inform you that Earth has met all the criteria to enter the Milky Way's governing body, the Federation of United Cosmic Kind. If Earth elects to join the Federation, you will be woven into the galactic web containing millions of species and planets. The good news is the Federation of United Cosmic Kind is a peaceful organization, and unlike your species, has gone through the whole world domination stage. We have produced a brief welcome video explaining this monumental occasion. Enjoy.

SPEAKER_06 12:22

The screens of the world went black, and every human was left alone with their organic processing unit, aka Brain. Three general thoughts crossed the minds of humanity as Fermi's image burned into people's brains. Who should I bone first? I hope I can finally connect with another being besides my cat. And finally, where are my keys? I need to run to the store and buy two of everything. Just as the panic started to pluck at people's consciousness, Taylor made AI videos with the creation prompts of cheerful, reassuring, and fun streamed to life. The Federation logo appeared with four words that would change everything. You are not alone. Custom graphics based on the viewer's region, device, and browser history enthusiastically erupted with an uncomfortably cheerful voice.

SPEAKER_03 13:09

So you have discovered you are not alone. Nothing really matters in the scheme of things, and you're now having an existential crisis. Don't dwell on it. We have all been there at one stage or another. Interestingly enough, our records show most of you have already realized this at the end of a drunken night or the termination of a significant relationship. Our official advice is to take a deep breath and be thankful your planet isn't going to be taken over, and your species enslaved for the foreseeable future. You should take comfort in knowing the Earth has been protected by the constant endangerment and self-harming act of 568654 for the past 100,000 rotations of your star. Since you are new to all this, let's go over the basics. There are more inhabitable worlds in this universe than there are people on your planet. And yes, some have beings just like you sitting there, complaining about their existence or place in society. Humans rank as a category 10 species on the intelligence scale. But don't get too excited. There are 21 levels of intelligence. Now this is going to shock you and make many nerds really upset. Not all aliens are sexy humanoids with three boobs, luscious locks of hair, or weird shit attached to their foreheads. Aliens come in all shapes and sizes, and your god Aim will slowly introduce you to these species. You are probably asking yourself right about now, what will happen next? Do I obey the laws of my planet? Will I have to go to work tomorrow or pay my taxes? The answer to those questions is only if you want to. But you will have to live with the consequences of your actions. In truth, everything will stay the same. We aim to work with your leaders to sign the Galactic Agreement, fix any impending disasters, and eventually integrate you into the Galactic Federation. Right, that will be all for now. Stay calm and remember to spread peace, not STDs. Slavery, terrorism, and dictatorships.

SPEAKER_06 15:13

The broadcast ended, leaving the dark control room silent. What the? said Fermi.

SPEAKER_01 15:19

We really have to put limits on Sam's parameters.

SPEAKER_06 15:23

Added Toshi. Hands clenched to the control desk, Fermi stood up and collected his things.

SPEAKER_05 15:29

I guess I'd better gather the candidates before the earth mentally, spiritually, and emotionally implodes.

SPEAKER_06 15:36

Toshi picked up a nearby computer tablet and checked the list twice. She handed Fermi the device and exhaled.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

Wait, you forgot one.

SPEAKER_06 15:45

Oh god. Not the divergent stray. Suddenly, the wall of the monitors went dark, as if the data had been sucked into a black hole. Angry emojis dotted the screens like mad stars.

SPEAKER_05 15:57

Okay, okay, Sam. Cool your datasets. I just hope we don't end up with him, said Fermi.

SPEAKER_06 16:02

He pulled a tortured expression, like someone was reading him a manual on how to use a microwave. He glared at the file scrawled open on the desk and read the pulsing red name.

SPEAKER_01 16:17

Thank you for listening, my dear Homo sapiens. We may yet make something of you. Now, I do ask that you kindly refrain from destroying the planet before next week. It really does complicate scheduling. Tune in to see if Elliot Turner, who continues to make questionable choices, survives. Against my better judgment, I believe he might. He truly is a poor specimen of your species.

SPEAKER_04 16:52

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