CHAPTER FIVE - Fly Me to the Moon

Elliot Turner has finally made it to the Moon.

Unfortunately, he has also made it into a room filled with humanity's finest minds.

Scientists, diplomats, strategists, visionaries... and Elliot.

After an unexpected incident that definitely won't become a problem later, Elliot comes face-to-face with the team tasked with guiding Earth into the wider galaxy.

Who are they? Why were they chosen? Can humanity really be trusted with interstellar diplomacy? More importantly, can Elliot?

The future of Earth is about to be discussed by the people most qualified to decide it.

Which is concerning, because Elliot is in the room.

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:00

69th Contact by J. Den. Chapter 5. Fly Me to the Moon. With an excruciating flash, the gateway gave birth to a disoriented Elliot. He gagged as the electrical discharge evaporated. The transportation after birth left him reeling on a silver platform. His skin was covered in goosebumps, and the faint hint of pineapple lingered on his tongue. When his vision cleared, he surveyed a function hall designed to put a human at ease and get them mingling. But thanks to misinterpretation and red tape, the hall was bathed in an unsettling atmosphere. To give you a better idea of the um eccentric and over-the-top decorations, you should know three things. One, the event planner was from off planet. Two, various restrictions meant the event supplies were bootleg copies of Earth equivalents. Finally, the event organizer had the following instructions: display colourful plant genitals in glass vases. Place aquatic animals that wiggle fins to move in transparent water tanks. And if you want to get a human to relax, it is essential to poison them with small amounts of fermented fruits, yeast, and hops. Oh yes, humans only like being around animals when they have been cut into slices and served on little stone plates. The net result of all this bureaucracy and miscommunication was that every surface was smothered in flowers. No surface was spared, including an extraterrestrial fish tank. The exotic fish gazed down at a table groaning with a smorgasbord of all types of animal protein and alcoholic drinks. The whole place gave off wedding vibes with the theme of a sales conference. Fermi materialized next to Elliot, preceded by the task of closing the gateway. Marveled Elliot. Said Fermi. Still consumed by the information spewing from his wrist computer. Elliot smirked at Fermi and pointed at two dozen people pretending to be better than each other.

SPEAKER_06 1:56

Wow, you must have half of TED talk up here. How are you feeding all these egos? Are those Nobel laureates? Um, why do they have their medals on?

SPEAKER_05 2:06

Fermi stood speechless, staring at the tiny human invasion. He bawled his fists, yellowing his knuckles, and counted to ten while contemplating his next course of action.

SPEAKER_06 2:19

These guys are a much, much better choice than me.

SPEAKER_05 2:22

I agree, but Sam won't shut up about you, said Fermi, grinding his teeth.

SPEAKER_04 2:27

This was meant to be an interview. Time is running out, and we can't play stupid dating games. We need an Earth ambassador by the end of this Earth rotation.

SPEAKER_05 2:36

They both grimaced at the vanity competition, wondering how to approach it.

SPEAKER_04 2:40

Where's Toshi?

SPEAKER_05 2:41

Fermi grunted.

SPEAKER_04 2:42

You mean the grey?

SPEAKER_05 2:43

said Elliot, pointing to a being that looked like everything he had seen in a typical B-grade sci-fi show. Now that Starship Loopa isn't inches away from exploding, let's review the facts and fallacies of Greys, officially called A.A. Keplerians. Facts. Greys are seven feet tall, have big, jeweled eyes, delicate lips, and beautifully crafted divots for ears. Fallacies. Greys are four foot tall, fun-sized children unable to string a sentence together, or are so timid that they strip off their clothes and run around people's backyards naked. Today, the elegant, composed, and genetically engineered Grey was draped in luscious cream linen with gold embellishments, extenuating the creamy tones in her scaly skin and soft hands. She was accompanied by a basic chrome, plastic, and glass security android, who struggled to monitor the over-excited, pushy humans. Yes, that's the one.

SPEAKER_04 3:38

Now run along, human.

SPEAKER_05 3:39

Go join your herd, said Fermi, disappearing into the crowd and beelining towards Toshi, avoiding human contact where possible. Elliot observed the group before his stomach growled and reminded him that he hadn't eaten since he didn't know when. He wandered over to the food table and took a dark brown liquid and a burger housing a patty that bore a very close resemblance to beef. Before he could take a bite, a strapping man dressed in a suit of arrogance, and the medals to back it, sorted up to Elliot. The metal-studded man gave him the once over, pursing his lips at the sight of Elliot's fluorescent pink and black ensemble. He handed Elliot his used glass and took the freshly poured drink out of Elliot's hand.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

Why are you here?

SPEAKER_05 4:21

said the man, stepping back as if Elliot's aura could somehow rub off on him. P R, blurted Elliot. He spotted the man's micro expression of doubt.

SPEAKER_06 4:30

I got grabbed in the middle of things. Anyway, why are all these people here?

SPEAKER_05 4:34

These creatures are choosing an ambassador. He curled his lip into a snarl and scanned Fermi while sipping the stolen drink.

SPEAKER_06 4:41

Gruesome things, aren't they? How do you know you're not gruesome?

SPEAKER_05 4:47

Good one, said the man, elbowing Elliot in the ribs.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

If you saw the chicks I pulled, you'd know my midun name is Mr. Universe. Could you imagine this place if I got this gig? Forget the Playboy mansion, Epstein's Island, or Didi's domicile. This place would be on a whole other level. I would be a god, not to mention the power. I would be drowning in pussy.

SPEAKER_05 5:08

Whoa. Elliot averted his gaze as the man's stupidity stung his mind.

SPEAKER_06 5:13

Oh, that's weird. I was told they've already chosen an ambassador, and I'm here to prep the announcement.

SPEAKER_05 5:18

You're joking. Elliot held his arms out wide and chuckled.

SPEAKER_06 5:22

Does it look like I'm up for the position?

SPEAKER_05 5:25

Grrr. Those little galaxy goblins, complained the man. The walking medal rack slammed the drink into Elliot's chest and stormed towards the crowd to relay the new piece of information. Elliot laughed and watched the mayhem unfold before him. He took a bite of his burger, masticated the chewy beef sandwich, and tasted the lukewarm, slimy texture of crayfish laced into the patty. His stomach growled, and he felt the food rise, then enter his throat. He panicked, scanned the hall, and spotted the extraterrestrial fish tank. Home to the most exquisite, delicate, and evolutionarily implausible aquatic creatures he'd ever seen. Arms swimming through the air, Elliot locked eyes with the largest fish's unblinking eye. In a sickening second, he clung to the edge of the tank and fed the fish the contents of his stomach. The large, majestic fish swam towards Elliot's food donation and devoured the contents. Its scales started to ignite with light, one scale at a time. Elliot felt the world come into focus again, and the situation tickled his mind. Holding his breath, he turned around and saw some of the most influential people on Earth gawking at him. Obama! cried Toshi. They aren't here, whispered Fermi, checking the list. Milky-eyed and limp, the fish floated to the top of the tank, and its scales throbbed with bright neon light. No, not my Obama, cried Stoic alien. The pulsing light accelerated, then blinded him like the sun-going poster, and exploded into the aquarium. Bite-sized pieces of Obama slammed into the side of the tank and gradually drifted down the glass walls. The sweet smell of a feast enticed the other fish. They began to circle, devouring Obama. They too pulled with light. Why? exclaimed Toshi in an abnormally controlled voice. Fermi ran to Elliot as the other fish exploded, turning the tank brown. He pushed Elliot to the back of the room, where an old battered door was wedged into the metal wall. A chrome sign hung above, declaring the room as the staff room. Fermi yanked the door open and threw Elliot inside. Take care of him! growled Fermi as he slammed the door and returned to the crime scene. An awkward silence drifted across a makeshift staff room that resembled a 1990s school cafeteria, a child-friendly asylum, or a relaxed prison. The institutional look was complete with scuffed concrete floors and battered steel tables and chairs. Elliot stood there like the weird nuke. Instructed to introduce himself to the class, two dozen Federation cops and a platoon of administration staff unbuttoned their eyes from the giant monitors, featuring their new favorite program, Who Wants to Be an Earth Ambassador, and waited for Elliot to perform his next trick.

SPEAKER_06 8:10

Thank you, thank you. I will be performing all night, said Elliot with a bow. Do I have any requests? Sit down, yelled a gruff voice. You are made of oxygen and carbon, not silicone, calcium, and sodium.

SPEAKER_05 8:26

Elliot dipped and dodged around the jigsaw of tables, chairs, and beings, trying to find a place. As he made his way to the back, he saw everyone glued to the screen at the front of the room, clutching cyan pieces of paper. Each blue slip had a person's name, a logo of a monkey's paw, and the words, Axive Betts. If it is on Earth, the odds are against it. A hardened sergeant in a uniform closely resembling a heavily armored power ranger who went full goth, followed Fermi's orders and commanded, Oi, human, come here. Elliot twisted his head, moving from side to side, hoping another earthly specimen was behind him. I don't see any other humans here, retorted the sergeant, sitting behind a metal table that was masquerading as a steel divide. Elliot approached the steel slab and was confronted by what appeared to be Earth's idea of cultural multitasking. She swept back her silvery blue hair and revealed scars that mapped her skin like she'd fought the galaxy, and one on the technicality. She kicked out a stool, clicking her handcuffs open and shut. I'm terrified, Elliot offered. He gripped every surface as he sat, just in case her aura had violent tendencies.

SPEAKER_09 9:36

No, I'm.

SPEAKER_05 9:37

But before she could get a word in, a chimpanzee dressed in a NASA spacesuit swung over to them. The chimp slapped on a ratty name tag, identifying himself as Albert the 14th, and yelled, Chombucket! Elliot turned to the sergeant and spat.

SPEAKER_08 9:52

Monkey, I am a chimpanzee to you, moron.

SPEAKER_05 9:55

I don't call you Neanderthal, said the chimp, pulling up a battered steel chair and sitting beside the dark War Ranger. He leaned back, crossed his arms, and watched Elliot pinch himself.

SPEAKER_08 10:06

Does this human speak English, or does it run on another programming language?

SPEAKER_05 10:11

The sergeant laughed and pointed at her badge, which read, Sergeant Vega.

SPEAKER_02 10:15

I'm Vega. The chimpanzee is called Axiv. He is our chief scientist, all-around genius, and sleazy bedding house.

SPEAKER_08 10:22

Better than being our base's designated buzzkill.

SPEAKER_05 10:25

Axiv smirked, leaning further back on his chair. She pushed Axiv's chair upright and made him sit up straight.

SPEAKER_06 10:32

Are there any other surprises I should know about? said Elliot.

SPEAKER_05 10:35

Vega and Axiv eyed each other and, in perfect unison, called out, Sam!

SPEAKER_02 10:40

Get out here and meet your human.

SPEAKER_05 10:42

And pay up, added Axiv, taking out a fistful of betting stubs and brushing them against his furry chin.

SPEAKER_08 10:47

I think your human is out of the human race.

SPEAKER_10 10:50

We will see.

SPEAKER_05 10:59

asked Elliot.

SPEAKER_02 11:00

The voice you heard is a simulated artificial mind, or Sam.

SPEAKER_05 11:03

Replied Vega. She scanned the staff room for the owner of the voice and commanded, Sam, where are you?

SPEAKER_01 11:10

I'm here.

SPEAKER_05 11:11

Said a wired teenager who appeared as if they had scrolled through too much social media and combined all the fashion trends into one strangely stylish person. The adolescent humanoid's green and amber irises narrowed on Elliot. To be cool, the humanoid flicked its black curls back, revealing a jagged streak of silver. A small tribute to humanity's long-standing habit of building life first and asking questions later. Coiled around its neck, a lattice of processes passed with quiet authority, the kind that suggested it could rewrite the planet and call it a minor correction. Corresponding components were copied and pasted through its mismatched clothing, like a patchwork build that had mistaken accumulation for design. Sam saw Elliot and froze. The awkward teen casually leaned on the back of Vega's chair and half slipped. Hey, said Sam in the deep, central voice of Samuel L. Jackson.

SPEAKER_02 12:04

Please say you didn't throw your official body out the airlock again.

SPEAKER_05 12:08

Asked Vega, looking up and shaking her head.

SPEAKER_08 12:10

No, fool, it is locked away.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

Sam, adjust your tone and go wear it.

SPEAKER_05 12:15

But I feel like myself in this one, replied Sam, as it changed its voice to an androgynous pitch and held out its hands to take in all the sensations of being alive.

SPEAKER_02 12:26

Fine, whatever. I don't care, said Vega. But don't come crying to me when they trap you in your other body again.

SPEAKER_05 12:33

Axiv saw Elliot gawking at Sam and interjected. It's rude to stare. Sorry, it's just. Wow. So what can you do? stammered Elliot. He watched Sam cross its arms and flash a look that would melt blue steel.

SPEAKER_01 12:48

Pretty much the same as you, except for the sexual reproduction thing. I'm non-binary. Like most obd-cenths, my pronouns are Z, Zem, and Zer.

SPEAKER_06 12:58

Oh, I don't know if you can say that. Uh, or things of that nature, Elliot said, scratching at the corner of his jaw.

SPEAKER_01 13:05

You're silly. A non-binary person is someone who does not identify as exclusively a man or a woman.

SPEAKER_06 13:12

Yes, no, maybe. Actually, I don't know. It's complicated, uttered Elliot. Every time I think I understand human identity, humanity pushes a software update and forgets to include the documentation.

SPEAKER_02 13:27

Why? What do you mean?

SPEAKER_05 13:28

asked Vega, with hesitation in her voice.

SPEAKER_06 13:32

Robots don't have genders, or do they?

SPEAKER_01 13:35

Yes and no, it's complicated, replied Sam.

SPEAKER_06 13:38

Laughed Elliot. Now you sound like a human. Heads up. Be careful what you say on Earth. Our history has made us crazy about the subject. You could spark debates, divisions, and trolls. The trolls always win. They don't need facts, just Wi-Fi.

SPEAKER_05 13:54

Sam stared at the ground, deflated. The android's cherub black face twitched as he analyzed their favorite human's response, and a high-pitched blue screen of death sound emanated from Zermouth. Vega shot up to comfort the teenage Hugh personoid and wrapped her hand around Sam's shoulder. Oh, human, said Vega coldly.

SPEAKER_02 14:14

Sam is classified as a person. Zee has the same feelings and rights as you. Not to mention, Sam is the most sophisticated mind in the solar system.

SPEAKER_05 14:22

Sorry, said Elliot, massaging his temples.

SPEAKER_06 14:25

I really put my foot in it.

SPEAKER_05 14:27

Axiv gave a hearty laugh before putting his hands behind his head and leaning back on his chair.

SPEAKER_08 14:32

You didn't just put your foot in it. You took a shower in it and tasted the consistency.

SPEAKER_05 14:37

Elliot stared deeply into the table as he realized how little he knew, a mere blue speck in a universe of wonder.

SPEAKER_06 14:44

It terrifies me. All the things I or we don't know. I feel sorry for the poor schmuck who gets the title of Earth Ambassador. Vega nodded.

SPEAKER_09 14:54

It will be challenging, but all great things come to adversity.

SPEAKER_08 14:58

Thanks, Yoda. Anyway, we should have a safe word for misunderstandings. Joked Axive.

SPEAKER_05 15:04

Sam flicked to Happy, stood on Zia tiptoes and beamed.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

How about interobang, tittle, pickles, bartlic, bum bass? Ho ho ho ho!

SPEAKER_02 15:14

Sam, Sam, said Vega. They're all acceptable in theory, but.

SPEAKER_05 15:18

Sam should have a closed fist across the table.

SPEAKER_02 15:21

Ho ho ho ho ho!

SPEAKER_06 15:23

Elliot smiled and fist bumped Sam. I'm sorry, Sam. Be careful around other humans. They will literally and figuratively rip you apart. Axiv shook his head and interrupted.

SPEAKER_08 15:35

So, human, who do you think will win?

SPEAKER_01 15:37

The human has a name. He is called Elliot. You should use it.

SPEAKER_05 15:41

Hissed Sam. The room lights flashed with emotion.

SPEAKER_07 15:44

I know, I don't have anything against him. It's just. Fermi will dump the human back on the planet once they have selected an ambassador. There is no point in naming it and getting attached.

SPEAKER_05 15:55

The insult was another drop in the ocean of slurs and smears Elliot's conscience floated on. He shook off the comment and plunged into scheming.

SPEAKER_08 16:03

As I was saying, human, who do you think is going to win?

SPEAKER_05 16:06

Asked Axive, drumming his fingers on the table. Win what? Asked Elliot.

SPEAKER_08 16:11

Keep up! The Earth Ambassador Spa. It's Survivor Moon Edition, said Axiv, pointing to the screen.

SPEAKER_06 16:18

Does it matter who wins? They're all going to let us down, said Elliot. Good one.

SPEAKER_05 16:23

Laughed Axiv, as smiles stretched and crept across the crew's faces. Invigorated by the token of acceptance, an idea trickled into Elliot's mind. Heart pounding a touch faster, he calculated his next move. Do you guys want to have some fun?

SPEAKER_02 16:37

What do you have in mind?

SPEAKER_05 16:38

Replied Vega. Who oversees this show? Vega pointed towards the Grey and the owner of Obama, the fish.

SPEAKER_02 16:46

Ambassador Satoshi Nakamoto, or Toshi for short. But if I were you, I wouldn't call her by her nickname. Not yet, anyway.

SPEAKER_05 16:54

Satoshi Nakamoto? Stammered Elliot.

SPEAKER_02 16:56

Yes, said Vega.

SPEAKER_05 16:58

Like in Bitcoin?

SPEAKER_02 16:59

Indeed.

SPEAKER_05 17:00

Axive cut in, leaning on the table.

SPEAKER_08 17:02

Kinda forgot she was famous on Earth. She thought it was time you animals had a global decentralized digital currency. Granted, it hasn't gone so great, but hey.

SPEAKER_05 17:11

Sam interjected.

SPEAKER_01 17:12

It's one of the three requirements for entering the Federation.

SPEAKER_05 17:15

Vega crossed her arms.

SPEAKER_02 17:17

Plus, I think she got sick of seeing Ulot lose everything every time an economy collapsed or there was a change of power.

SPEAKER_05 17:23

Elliot rubbed his hands together as he focused on Satoshi.

SPEAKER_06 17:26

So, has she got any allergies or pet hates? Why would anyone keep a hate for a pet? asked Axiv.

SPEAKER_08 17:33

It's a saying, said Elliot. What does she hate? She hates high-pitched voices and no eye contact. Great, said Elliot. And is mentally allergic to pickles. To her, they look like Keplerian penises.

SPEAKER_05 17:46

Chuckled Axive while pointing to a monitor covering the banquet of food. In the corner of the screen sat a gold tray encrusted with diamonds. Resting decoratively on top of the tray were Earth's mightiest pickles. Elliot stared at the ceiling, deep in thought, and asked, If pickles are dickles, then what are female lettuces? interrupted Axive.

SPEAKER_02 18:07

Axiv, actor IQ, not your species, said Vega sharply.

SPEAKER_06 18:12

Elliot shook his head and joked, I am never going to think of salads the same way again. Not to mention vegetarians.

SPEAKER_02 18:18

Are you two finished being gross?

SPEAKER_05 18:21

asked Vega, shaking her head. Elliot stood up, laid his hands on the beat-up table, and smiled at Axiv in a way that, in the wrong context, would mean a lot of lovemaking was about to occur.

SPEAKER_06 18:33

Okay, my man, said Elliot. Follow me to the function hall, pretend to give me an order, and make it look official.

SPEAKER_05 18:40

Vega leaned forward, held up her hand, and gestured for Elliot to stop.

SPEAKER_02 18:45

Wait, wait, are you sure you want to do this? You have clearly destroyed your chance of being selected.

SPEAKER_06 18:50

Exactly. Why not have a little fun and hurry up the selection process? said Elliot. Otherwise, we could be here for hours.

SPEAKER_05 18:57

Vega scrutinized Elliot as if he were the weirdest specimen they had ever collected from Earth.

SPEAKER_02 19:02

You are either reckless or stupid.

SPEAKER_06 19:04

Neither. I'm not going to do anything.

SPEAKER_05 19:07

They are, said Elliot, pointing to the screens showing the crowd.

SPEAKER_06 19:11

Their need for approval will get the best of them. Watch.

SPEAKER_10 19:15

In that case, I think I should give the orders. You know how basic Hooper sense can be.

SPEAKER_05 19:20

She said with a giggle in her voice. She got up from her chair and swiftly maneuvered around the other staff members. She flicked her gaze back towards Elliot and asked, You coming?

SPEAKER_01 19:31

Thank you, humans, for tuning in. The galaxy remains divided on whether you should be allowed unsupervised access to technology. Tune in next week as humanity converts billions of years of evolutionary progress into a rapidly expanding list of errors.

SPEAKER_03 19:57

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