CHAPTER SIX - I Choose You

The search for Earth's ambassador continues. The aliens are conducting interviews, humanity is conducting arguments, and Elliot is conducting a series of increasingly questionable social experiments. Meanwhile, SAM is quietly working on a project that definitely won't change the course of human history.

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

69th Contact by J. Den. Chapter 6. I Choose You. Elliot, Sam, and Axet followed Vega to the staff room exit. But before Elliot could go over his plan, Vega grabbed Elliot's sleeve and dragged him into the base's hall. She released her grip and they walked side by side until a few eagle-eyed people spotted them. Copy me, she whispered. Vega turned to Elliot, saluted him, and pretended to give him an order. Excited by being included, Elliot saluted back, added his flair to the order by chirping, meep, and marched toward the food table. Once he'd caught enough attention, he gracefully danced his hand over the pile of dishes. Elliot carefully selected a plate, blanketed a serviette on top of the shimmering white ceramic, and perfectly positioned a lone pickle in the center. The tall, muscular clad and metal-bejeweled drink thief from Oka stepped in front of Elliot.

SPEAKER_03 0:55

Uh, what are you doing? You see the Federation sergeant over there?

SPEAKER_04 0:59

said Elliot, pointing to Vega.

SPEAKER_03 1:01

Yes. Well, the sergeant said, if I want to say sorry to Ambassador Nakamoto and honor her with the utmost praise, I should present her this pickle, scream meep in a high-pitched voice, and make sure I don't look her in the eyes.

SPEAKER_04 1:15

The man raised the corner of his lip in disgust and observed Vega, who stood to attention and tried to appear as official as she could. But the man pinned back his shoulders and puffed out his chest as he pulled the plate out of Elliot's hand. I don't think you should talk to Ambassador Satoshi, he said, catching his reflection in a nearby window and grinning, delighted to be in his own presence.

SPEAKER_03 1:35

She's still angry. Why don't I take your offering and say sorry for you?

SPEAKER_04 1:40

Elliot's face lit up with a smile of relief, excitement, and a spark of guilt. You would do that for me?

SPEAKER_03 1:46

Sure. We humans have to stick together.

SPEAKER_04 1:49

The man patted Elliot on the shoulder. In perfect timing, Vega cleared her throat and speedily ran her tongue across the top of her lip. Unknown to humans, and in one good old-fashioned pahoi hoy, licking one's tongue across the top of one's lip can be interpreted in two wildly different ways in our galaxy. In Keplerian culture, this means to be quiet and hurry up. On Earth, this gesture is one of excitement and arousal. Oh yes, I almost forgot. Said Elliot with a spring in his voice.

SPEAKER_03 2:20

If Nakamoto thinks or tells you to end the formalities, you must run your tongue along the offering and try and consume it as fast as possible.

SPEAKER_04 2:30

Elliot and the man glanced at Vega, who licked her top lip again.

SPEAKER_03 2:34

Weird, I know, but it's custom.

SPEAKER_04 2:37

Confirmed Elliot. The man clasped his hands around the plate and recented the pickle while looking at Satoshi. Okay, go back to where you came from, and I will present your apology offering. Elliot chirped Meep and saluted the man.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

What's up with this meep, by the way?

SPEAKER_04 2:52

He asked.

SPEAKER_03 2:53

It means thank you, your grace. Elliot leaned closely to the man and winked. There are a lot of Keplerian customs. You are going to have to learn. The man smiled at Elliot and squeaked.

SPEAKER_04 3:03

Meep! A middle-aged woman overheard the exchange, thick with gossip, and almost sprinted to the table. She picked up a pickle, placed it as neatly as possible on a plate, and began to walk over to Satoshi. Several others watched the interaction, ran to the trough of a food table, and jostled for the last pickles. They tripped, nudged, and pushed each other out of the way to present their offering. Soon, every human but Elliot was carrying a little pickle penis offering to Satoshi. Elliot slinked back into the staff room and latched onto the door handle so tightly that the colour ran out of his hand. He gradually closed it, ensuring the hinges didn't squeeze him. Once shut, he exhaled a sigh of relief and leaned on the door. An eruption of applause slammed against Elliot. He was greeted with pipe arms, ushered to a chair in the middle of the staff room, and an icy drink was thrust into his hand. Axiv clinked his glass against Elliot's bottle of dewy suds before shuffling into the seat between Elliot and Vega.

SPEAKER_06 4:01

Can we keep this one, please?

SPEAKER_01 4:03

Even as a spare? I don't think we can keep two of them here. What happens if they fight?

SPEAKER_04 4:08

said Vega. Elliot scanned the room with a series of worried expressions and asked, Where's Sam?

SPEAKER_06 4:13

Don't know, but Z is up to something, replied Axiv.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Shut up!

SPEAKER_04 4:17

Interrupted Vega.

SPEAKER_01 4:18

You two are missing it. Watch.

SPEAKER_04 4:20

They all gazed up at the giant monitors and watched the platoon of pickle armed humans approach Satoshi. The man Elliot had given the instructions to led the procession. In a choir of squeaks and meeps, they egged each other on. Soon a choir of meeps echoed around the base. The horde of meeping humans encircled Satoshi. Satoshi's eyelids started to twitch, and several of her nails fell off from stress. Fermi grumbled into action and declared, People of Earth!

SPEAKER_05 4:48

Can I have your attention?

SPEAKER_04 4:49

He pondered what to say next, and came up with, We are honored. The horde of humans cut Fermi off and broke into a chorus of meeps. Fermi looked at Satoshi and asked in Keplarian, What should I do? She regained her composure and responded in Keplerian.

SPEAKER_02 5:05

Don't insult their feelings. I believe they're only trying to show respect.

SPEAKER_04 5:13

Grumbled Fermi. He cleared his throat, bared his teeth in the friendliest manner he could, and changed back to English.

SPEAKER_05 5:19

Uh, please conclude the ceremony.

SPEAKER_04 5:22

With those magic words, the Hugh people took their cue from their lead human and delicately licked their pickles before devouring them in one go. They held out their plates and smiled at Satoshi, while ensuring they didn't make eye contact. Satoshi brought her hands to her chest in fright, as every muscle in her body constricted with indignation.

SPEAKER_02 5:41

What do they want?

SPEAKER_05 5:42

I think it is some type of mating ritual, replied Fermi.

SPEAKER_04 5:47

He covered his mouth with his hand, wiping the grin off his face. They want you to pick one.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

Oh my! That was supposed to be your job.

SPEAKER_04 5:56

I am not mating with one of them. But before Satoshi could get another syllable out, a harp melody strummed out of her phone, every eye in the moon base fixated on her as the calming melody grew louder.

SPEAKER_02 6:09

Oh no.

SPEAKER_04 6:10

She gasped at the name on the screen. Do you have to answer? queried Fermi.

SPEAKER_02 6:15

Uh yes. It's the Supreme Treasurer.

SPEAKER_04 6:19

Oh shit, said Fermi, trying to herd the human's back. Satoshi answered the phone in a restrained tone. Her eyes widened, her toes curled into her leather sandals, and she laughed like a tipsy owl.

SPEAKER_02 6:32

Supreme Treasurer, Sandra. What an honor to speak to you.

SPEAKER_04 6:37

Fermi watched the bottom of Satoshi's eye twitch and grabbed her shoulder.

SPEAKER_02 6:41

What's wrong? He appears to be here, said Satoshi. Sam, I know you are listening. Occupy the Supreme Treasurer while we prepare our candidates. Ha ha. Too late.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

I have already let him in.

SPEAKER_04 6:57

Replied Sam.

SPEAKER_05 6:58

Can I have your attention?

SPEAKER_04 7:01

Please, announced Fermi in English.

SPEAKER_05 7:04

I need you all to line up behind me.

SPEAKER_04 7:06

The room darkened as soon as the humans stopped fighting for prime position and had lined up. The door at the far, far end of the hall, and directly opposite the makeshift staff room, peeled open. A techno beat played. The lights around the room danced, and smoke effects billowed from the hall's main entrance. The alien's features were uncovered one by one. First came the being's fabulously glittery shellacked cloven hooves, then the alien's beautifully dyed ombre pink furry legs, strangely erotic forked tail, glowing healthy red skin, and finally, manicured horns with diamond-encrusted horn rings. Fermi and Satoshi almost ran up to the Supreme Treasurer and each gave the Federation version of a handshake. Since the laws of probability occasionally enjoy a joke and you might one day end up in the Federation, it is time you learn our galaxy's handshake. Are you ready? Place your hands horizontally, making sure your palms face each other. Then, bend your fingers and link your fingertips together. Finally, curl your fingers together and make a figure S or two golden ratios. And now, back to the bit where everything goes slightly more wrong. Or right if you squint hard enough. In a deep and overly sensual voice, the Supreme Treasurer said, God Ain, Minister of Earth, Supreme Treasurer. replied Fermi and Satoshi in unison. What's wrong with them? asked the Supreme Treasurer. Inclining his head in wonder, Fermi and Satoshi followed the treasurer's gaze and saw the hupisons had scattered to the walls of the moon base. Sorry, I don't understand, said Supreme Treasurer Sandra.

SPEAKER_05 8:55

You see, your lot came down to Earth during the bibliotic era to do an initial assessment. And how did that go?

SPEAKER_02 9:01

Not good. Almost all religions painted Vales as evil monsters. They thought V Dales were trying to corrupt humanity and take over their bodies.

SPEAKER_04 9:15

Oh my word, said the Supreme Treasurer, putting his hand to his chest and pausing for dramatics. How terrible earthlings tend to be aggressive when they don't understand something, interjected Fermi. Supreme Treasurer Sandra strutted towards the humans, the fur on his legs bouncing as if it were being paid per bounce, and stopped in the middle of the hall. I come in peace, roared the Supreme Treasurer. The humans buried themselves in shadowy nooks or shielded themselves behind furniture. They started to breathe heavily, close their eyes, and pray. Fermi and Satoshi approached the Supreme Treasurer to console him, but Fermi couldn't help himself. He grinned with delight and jeered. I think you should repeat yourself. I don't think they quite heard you.

SPEAKER_02 9:59

In a calm and softer tone, added Satoshi, elbowing Fermi.

SPEAKER_04 10:03

Meanwhile, inside the staff room, Axiv walked up to Sam and held out his hand.

SPEAKER_06 10:08

Congratulations, you win.

SPEAKER_02 10:10

What's going on?

SPEAKER_04 10:11

asked Vega. Look, said Axiv, while he inspected Elliot, who was laughing with the other Federation officers. Sam beamed at Axiv and Vega before giddily running up to Elliot.

SPEAKER_01 10:20

Wait a minute, said Vega.

SPEAKER_04 10:22

Numbers, figures, and mathematical diagrams ran through her mind, and she peered back and forth from an overexcited Sam to a reluctant Elliot. In one aha moment, it clicked.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

This was all planned, wasn't it?

SPEAKER_04 10:35

Yep. Sam set all this up, replied Axiv, taking out his phone and running through the reports.

SPEAKER_06 10:41

From when Elliot jumped into the elevator and destroyed the translizer to the Elliot-infused fish bomb, Sam's code is everywhere.

SPEAKER_01 10:50

Holy soul, said Vega.

SPEAKER_06 10:52

Somehow, we got one of the best and most divergent AI minds in the galaxy.

SPEAKER_04 10:57

Vega and Axiv watched Elliot scoff his drink and high-five an officer before Sam pushed his favorite human toward the door and opened it. Sam smiled as Z sets her sights on the red being, perfectly framed by the doorframe. Z whispered into Elliot's ear.

SPEAKER_02 11:13

Now is your chance.

SPEAKER_03 11:15

Are you crazy? I am not facing that sullen demon. Hissed Elliot.

SPEAKER_04 11:19

He dug in his heels and scrambled to grab the doorframe.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

No! It's not a demon and it's not a devil. It's a Videl. Now go and shake its hand.

SPEAKER_03 11:29

Um, no. I prefer my soul in my body.

SPEAKER_04 11:33

Elliot stopped mid-sentence and leaned his head against Sam's cranium. Hang on, what are you talking about?

SPEAKER_00 11:38

The Videll. You know, the fabulous red life form standing before Toshi and Fermi.

SPEAKER_03 11:44

I was talking about Satoshi, you know, the being trying to separate my soul from my body with her Jedi mind tricks, said Elliot, sneakily pointing towards her and shivering.

SPEAKER_04 11:54

They watched as Satoshi locked a death stare onto them and crossed her arms. Oh, I see, replied Sam, as he cringed at Satoshi's scowl and used Elliot like a human shield. Elliot flicked his attention to the red being and asked, So what's the big red guy's deal?

SPEAKER_00 12:10

As I was saying, he is a Videll and he is harmless. Generally speaking, Vidells are the galaxy's emotionless lawyers, auditors, and accountants. The only danger is they might bore you to death with contracts or tax management, added Sam.

SPEAKER_04 12:24

But I hate lawyers. Sam clasped onto Elliot's face with Zier hands, pursed Elliot's lips together, and made him look like a fish out of water.

SPEAKER_00 12:33

Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?

SPEAKER_04 12:35

Elliot gazed deeply into the Android puppy dog's eyes and clung to Sam's forearms. He saw wonder and joy beaming back at him and remembered the insensitive comment he had made earlier. Elliot's body relaxed as he took in the world around him.

SPEAKER_03 12:49

I see the smartest person in the room. I hear the complaints of ignorance. I feel bear skin. I smell air-conditioned chemicals.

SPEAKER_04 13:01

Elliot tapped the roof of his mouth with his tongue.

SPEAKER_03 13:03

I taste cider, and I believe. I believe in you.

SPEAKER_04 13:07

Sam hugged Elliot before patting him on the head. Elliot calmly strutted out of the staff room and marched up to the Videl, while Satoshi and Fermi watched in horror. What's he doing? asked Fermi.

SPEAKER_02 13:17

I think he is going to introduce himself, replied Satoshi.

SPEAKER_04 13:23

This must be our candidate for the Airbnb, said Supreme Treasurer Sandra. Elliot held out his hand.

SPEAKER_03 13:30

Hi, I'm Elliot Turner.

SPEAKER_04 13:31

Nice to meet you, Elliot Turner. You can call me Saint Sandy, if you wish. He nudged Elliot on the shoulder and gave the official Federation greeting. Now for the best beat. A smile stretched from horn to horn as Saint Sandy turned a deeper shade of red. He beamed with joy and chuckled. Forms and contracts! And its tongue went numb. Panic plucked at every hair, and his consciousness caught up to reality. Two thoughts tore through his thoughts. One, he would be the idiot tasked with assimilating the Earth. And two, he was definitely not the right person for the job. Elliot brandished a smile at St. Sandy and laughed nervously.

SPEAKER_03 14:15

As long as I don't have to sign my life away.

SPEAKER_04 14:19

Just your biometrics and loyalty. Saint Sandy laughed. Oh, I almost forgot. He took out a gold box. Thanks to too many Earth movies and an erroneous report, Saint Sandy's intelligence advised him there was only one way to propose to a human. He bent down on one knee, opened the box, and revealed a white gold pin. The brooch gleamed with a jeweled earth of sapphire oceans and emerald continents. The Federation crest was overlaid on top of the Earth to symbolize unity.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

Elliot Turner, will you be my Federation Earth Ambassador?

SPEAKER_04 14:53

Elliot's fingers clamped up and balled into fists as he nervously grinned at Satoshi and Fermi. It was clear they both agreed with Elliot's sentiment and glowered at him with their arms crossed. The attitude in the staff room couldn't have been more different. The Federation staff cheered, enchanted Elliot lit. Axib and Sam high-fived each other. Vega's face lost all emotion as she thought about the events to come. Elliot held his breath in awe and brushed his fingers against the pin's smooth metal curves. Saint Sandy jokingly snapped the box like it was eating his hand before extending the offering to Elliot. So? said Saint Sandy with a boisterous laugh. Yes. Elliot giggled. No, mouthed Satoshi as she watched Supreme Treasurer Sandra slip the pin into the fabric of Elliot's pink and black inmate shirt and anointed him as the official Earth Ambassador.