CHAPTER SEVEN - Can You Handle the Coke

The Galactic Federation spans thousands of worlds, countless species, and millions of years of recorded history.

Its greatest challenge turns out to be convincing humans it isn't a scam.

As alien diplomats, experts, and public relations teams attempt to sell humanity on the benefits of galactic membership, Earth responds with fear, outrage, and several competing documentaries.

Somewhere in the chaos, Elliot realizes the Federation may have seriously underestimated who they were dealing with.

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:00

69th Contact by Jay Den. Chapter 7. Can You Handle the Coke? There is a stylish new word slinging its way through the hip and happening galactic arm of Norma. This trendy word is Dyson Fork, and it refers to an outcome that doesn't turn out how it should or shouldn't, but in a way no one could predict. So far, Dyson Forks have caused several highly functioning AIs to develop dependencies on hard, hallucinogenic programs, contributed to the collapse of multiple civilizations, and set planet Earth on a course only one AI in our galaxy could calculate. Once all the earthly comforts were put away, or rotting in the lunar gardens, the only thing remaining was the Dyson Fork's aftermath. It lurked around the lunar base like a creeper breathing too loudly, and murled around the many conference rooms, waiting for the next important decision. Wednesday vibes lingered in the air, stroking every chrome surface and grazing the rows of glass fixtures. Your average human would call the decor high-tech and futuristic, while the typical Federation staff member would call it thrifty and poorly equipped. This was all thanks to budget cuts, a poorly funded program, and one lavish and unnecessary moon party. Plus, it took the Earthlings an excessively long time to reach this point, and the Earth program was almost cancelled several times. A dramatic view of the Earth overshadowed a simmering standoff in the sparse conference room called Lao Tzu. Awkward glances rallied across a 16-seater table. Fermi sat at one end, wondering whether they could return the human they had adopted as Earth's ambassador. On the other end sat Elliot, hoping this was all a bad dream sequence. Sam, Vega, and Axiv sat in the middle and watched on like the finals of a tennis match. Once all the earthly comforts were put away, all rotting in the lunar gardens, the only thing remaining was the dice and forks aftermath. Elliot broke the deuce. He got up, crossed the room, and reached out to shake Fermi's hand. Fermi stared at Elliot's outstretched hand and grimaced. Hmm, I know what you are doing, but no. Is shaking hands rude or something? No. Then what is it? asked Elliot. I don't know where you have been, griped Fermi, crossing his arms. Really?

SPEAKER_03 2:10

I thought you knew everything about every human.

SPEAKER_05 2:13

Fine.

SPEAKER_04 2:13

You asked for it. There is no point in getting to know each other. Odds are things won't end in your favor, and we will have to deposit you in the cell I found you in. Wow, commitment issues.

SPEAKER_05 2:24

He has you pegged, added Axel, putting his feet on the table and his hands behind his head.

SPEAKER_03 2:28

Here's a hint, human. Don't touch a Keplerian in the belly. Um, what a strange statement, said Elliot. Why would you say such a thing? It's like an on button.

SPEAKER_05 2:37

A chainsaw growling noise exuded from Fermi as he turned brown with rage. No way, gasped Elliot, covering his mouth with his hand to stifle his laughter.

SPEAKER_03 2:46

You literally have an organ in your body that turns you on. Oh, the memes.

SPEAKER_05 2:52

Uh, I am going to kill him, growled Fermi. Elliot returned to his seat as the electronic doors bowed into the sockets of the doorframe. Satoshi strode into the room with a service droid behind her. The robot carried a cluster of glasses in one hand and a stack of computer tablets in the other. She swiftly placed an icy glass of amber liquid in front of Elliot and Fermi before helping herself to a cup. Getting me high isn't going to make this better, grumbled Fermi, smelling the cup. No, but it will make things a tad easier, said Satoshi, as Fermi moved to the right and let Satoshi take her rightful spot at the head of the table. Elliot consumed the honey-colored liquid without a second thought. Hmm, tastes like cola.

SPEAKER_03 3:31

Fermi took a swig, savoring the flavor.

SPEAKER_04 3:33

Don't you want to know what it does?

SPEAKER_03 3:35

I don't care. As long as it makes the meeting less intense, I'm in.

SPEAKER_02 3:39

I think I should warn you, interjected Satoshi.

SPEAKER_05 3:42

She picked up the glass and washed the golden liquid around the edges. A wave of bubbles licked the surface.

SPEAKER_02 3:48

This is Coke Plus.

SPEAKER_03 3:50

Wait, hang on, said Elliot, tasting the sweet nectar. I'm pretty sure we invented this on Earth.

SPEAKER_02 3:55

Yes, and no. We gave your species the recipe a hundred and something years ago. Granted, we had some trials, errors, and addiction, but you got it right after a while. As a result, your Coke Zero is a very watered-down version of Coke Plus.

SPEAKER_05 4:13

But with one missing ingredient, added Fermi. He crossed his arms, leaning on the desk.

SPEAKER_04 4:18

Your abomination is like coffee without caffeine.

SPEAKER_03 4:21

Coke Zero has caffeine, replied Elliot. Plus some other goodies.

SPEAKER_04 4:25

True, but Coke Plus has actophenine. It's a hyper relaxant and will send your sphincter to another planet.

SPEAKER_03 4:32

Excuse me. Fermi, I think I misheard you. I swear I heard you say sphincter.

SPEAKER_05 4:37

Yes. Elliot clutched the edge of the table and casually turned to Sam. I need a knife. What for?

SPEAKER_03 4:44

asked Sam.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

I need to select the best knife for the job.

SPEAKER_03 4:48

One good at stabbing Keplerians.

SPEAKER_05 4:50

Sam tilted his head to the side.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

Um pahoi hoy.

SPEAKER_04 4:54

It is designed to release your mental sphincter, stupid, said Fermi in a low grumble. It will get your neurons firing at their optimal level and free you of your humanity.

SPEAKER_05 5:05

Sorry, emotions.

SPEAKER_01 5:06

Humans have a rough concept of it.

SPEAKER_05 5:08

Relayed Sam.

SPEAKER_01 5:09

They call it a third eye.

SPEAKER_05 5:11

Elliot felt his stomach churn and he swallowed a burp.

SPEAKER_03 5:14

So I will be a highly functioning psychopath.

SPEAKER_05 5:17

You wouldn't believe how many of your leaders are, said Fermi. Sam raised his hand and added, 20%.

SPEAKER_01 5:24

Do you want to know who they are?

SPEAKER_05 5:26

But before Sam could unleash the list, all the muscles in Elliot's face dropped. In one glorious aha moment, Elliot's mental sphincter relaxed, and he was drained of all emotion. All the tension in his body flowed away, and pure rationality took over. How long will this last? He asked in a strange, lawyer voice as his pupils widened like saucers. Two hours, grumbled Fermi.

SPEAKER_04 5:52

You should know it's like alcohol. The more you drink, the more your sphincter loosens. So, drink up. Axie laughed. Tell him about the emotional hangover. Fermi chuckled to himself. Almost forgot. When the Coke Plus wears off, you will be overcome with a wash of emotion. You will laugh, cry, and shout all at once. It's similar to a near-death experience.

SPEAKER_05 6:13

I want to join, sang Sam as he reached for a big black electrical cable from the center of the table and swallowed it. The Android convulsed and sparked with electricity before the base glowed brighter, and Sam whispered.

SPEAKER_01 6:26

I see datasets. It's all numbers.

SPEAKER_02 6:29

Woo!

SPEAKER_05 6:31

We need to get Sam examined, said Satoshi, while passing the pile of computer tablets to Fermi. Or upgraded, commented Fermi while distributing them to Axive, Vega, and Elliot. Thanks, said Elliot. While staring at the logo of an Apple, he spun the latest iPad in his hands, inspecting the device, and asked, I thought you would have something a bit more high-tech, or you know.

SPEAKER_03 6:53

Satoshi scrolled through the iPad.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

Once the Earth signs the assimilation package, we will finally receive our integration funding. Everything here is old, refurbished, or broken.

SPEAKER_05 7:05

Elliot turned on his iPad, and Sam whispered, I see everything. Satoshi sighed and drummed her fingers against the table.

SPEAKER_02 7:13

Now, let's get down to business. Sam, please bring up Plan C.

SPEAKER_03 7:18

Um, what happened to plans A and B? Asked Elliot.

SPEAKER_02 7:22

Plan A is the Federation's official assimilation process and is used in 95% of integrations. Most planets get over their war phase and have a planetary president at this stage.

SPEAKER_03 7:36

And plan B?

SPEAKER_02 7:37

In the next 4.98% of cases, we obtain signatures from the two or three world leaders.

SPEAKER_04 7:44

Which brings us to Earth and Plan C. Interjected Fermi. In the last 0.02% of cases, we obtain a majority vote from all the countries on the planet. Unlucky for us, Earth has the United Nations.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

Plan C hasn't been attempted in the past 11,572 years.

SPEAKER_05 8:04

Chupped Sam.

SPEAKER_03 8:05

Oh, this is not good, said Elliot, sinking into his chair. So, when will Earth vote to accept the assimilation plan? His iPad went black, and Sam waffled through the iPad speakers.

SPEAKER_01 8:16

Uh, pretty soon.

SPEAKER_05 8:18

How soon? In 24 hours, grunted Fermi. Elliot sucked in a breath of reality, turned to the view of Earth, calculated everything he was told, and squinted at Fermi.

SPEAKER_03 8:29

Is this some kind of hazing? I am not doing anything weird or kinky.

SPEAKER_05 8:33

Fermi's mind stabbed at the worst scenarios he could perceive, and a smile flexed across his face. Your next task is to Don't tease the human.

SPEAKER_02 8:43

And no, this isn't some rite of passage, said Satoshi. The earthlings are getting restless. They are beginning to jump to unwarranted conclusions and fabrications. Plus, there is the matter of the invitation.

SPEAKER_04 8:57

More like a letter of summons accompanied by a list of demands, said Fermi.

SPEAKER_05 9:02

Satoshi shook her head and continued.

SPEAKER_02 9:04

As I was saying, we have been invited to the United Nations to address the people of Earth. Normally, a species needs a week or two to process and realize they aren't going to be invaded, but not Earth.

SPEAKER_03 9:18

So what's the pitch?

SPEAKER_05 9:20

asked Elliot, while his eyes glazed over. Ideas and schemes pooled in his mind. Excuse me, replied Satoshi, with a question in her voice.

SPEAKER_03 9:29

Elliot broke out of the swarm of ideas. You need a pitch. You can't go down there and expect the humans to say, oh, supreme, all-knowing Sky Lords, please deliver us from our troubles.

SPEAKER_04 9:40

Why not?

SPEAKER_05 9:41

Ugh, it's worked in the past. But before Fermi could finish his sentence, Satoshi kicked him under the table. Ouch. Why not?

SPEAKER_03 9:48

We need to show everyone your um eccentric peacekeepers, and not evil sky monsters here to ravage the planet, consume all resources, and enslave the human race.

SPEAKER_02 10:00

Um, how insightful of you, said Satoshi questionably.

SPEAKER_03 10:04

You must gain their trust, especially the small countries. It's surprising how far learning a few words in someone's native language can go. My advice would be a world tour, or at least a meet and greet, or at the very minimum, a global ad campaign.

SPEAKER_05 10:19

We aren't a product, growled Fermi.

SPEAKER_03 10:22

Aren't you? You need to show the humans why they need you.

SPEAKER_05 10:25

A voice popped through the iPads and chimed, On it!

SPEAKER_01 10:28

No!

SPEAKER_05 10:29

exclaimed Satoshi. She held the iPad up to her face and scowled at the camera.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

Sam, we will consider it. You may simulate the correct procedure in the meantime.

SPEAKER_05 10:39

Why do I have a feeling I am going to be the one who pays for this? Added Fermi, glaring at Elliot. Elliot scanned the room and stretched his bruised limbs. So what shall I do while you're gone?

SPEAKER_02 10:50

Oh, you are going to said Satoshi, checking the time.

SPEAKER_05 10:55

I'm going?

SPEAKER_02 10:56

Of course you are. You are the Earth Ambassador.

SPEAKER_05 11:00

Sam plucked the wire from Zirmouth and reconnected to reality. Zapatted Elliot on the head, smiled like a deranged Cheshire cat, and said in a voice that sounded like a high Gandalf, You are going to be one of the most famous humans on the planet. Panic closed Elliot's mental sphincter, and fear shot up his spine. He started to sweat, and his tongue became a sponge, soaking up all the moisture in his mouth. Fermi watched Elliot's torment, pushed his half-empty cup of Coke Plus towards Elliot, and heckled.

SPEAKER_04 11:31

Wow, I know the first time with Coke Plus is always awkward, but the Elliot takes it to a new level.

SPEAKER_05 11:37

Sam, I am not the right person for the job. Said Elliot, half wheezing and half squeaking. His head sank into his chest as his emotions dripped like a broken tap, and his voice leaked erratically with unsolicited feelings.

SPEAKER_03 11:51

You need to find someone else. And fast. There must be someone else.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

No, no, you are the right choice, affirmed Sam.

SPEAKER_05 12:03

But why me? Fermi clicked a button on his phone. The air conditioner chilled the air and the lights dimmed. In a lower, hushed tone, Fermi uttered, You are half human and half crapoleum.

SPEAKER_04 12:14

And before you ask, the crapoleums are an ancient royal species with secret knowledge of the universe. You are the chosen one.

SPEAKER_05 12:21

I am a what? asked Elliot, eyelids taut and eyebrows knotted. A gullible light bulb, said Fermi. He wiped off a smile with his hand and stared down at his notes before returning the room to its default settings.

SPEAKER_02 12:34

Fermi!

SPEAKER_05 12:35

snapped Satoshi. She shook her head and focused all her attention on Elliot.

SPEAKER_02 12:39

You know, 97% of humans would jump at the opportunity to become Earth Ambassador.

SPEAKER_03 12:45

That is because 97% of them haven't thought things through. Elliot retorted. No. Essentially, it's nearly impossible to herd cats, and guiding humans is the equivalent. That's if the cats are overly aggressive, chalk full of hormone-infused food, and sexually frustrated strays.

SPEAKER_05 13:04

The room went quiet as the human had a statistically improbable but undeniable spark of knowledge.

SPEAKER_03 13:10

Even if you are the second coming, half the population will hate you and think you are trying to take over the world.

SPEAKER_05 13:16

Uttered Elliot, closing his eyes, clenching his jaw, and grinding his teeth. What's it doing now? asked Fermi.

SPEAKER_02 13:23

I think it is recalling memories or dredging up past traumas, said Satoshi.

SPEAKER_03 13:29

Looks painful. Plus, I have seen what power does to people. It takes good people and corrupts them. I don't, I can't, stammered Elliot.

SPEAKER_05 13:37

He choked on an emotion as a memory tried to unearth itself.

SPEAKER_03 13:41

I won't turn into my father. I will not be another heartless bureaucrat drunk on power.

SPEAKER_01 13:46

Oh my Elliot!

SPEAKER_05 13:48

said Sam, hugging Zer human. And it scratched the walls with his mind and hunted for a solution. Then he spotted a steel board. Smacked across the top of the metal panel was the sign Earth Ambassador Candidates, Mock 2. The panel displayed five overly produced LinkedIn pictures of humans and one obnoxious, pigeon-like man labeled Anderson, making Elliot question the quantifications needed to become a Federation candidate. Underneath each image was a long list of achievements, stats, and notes. Glittering above them all was a candidate named Johnny Lynn. His list of accomplishments ran off the board and hit the floor. Five golden stars accompanied his three headshots of a Navy SEAL, a surgeon, and an astronaut. The word no was scraped into the top of his photos and sat next to an aggressively scrawled handwritten note. Never trust a perfect human. Elliot casually got up from the table, sauntered to the board, and pretended to look out the window at the lunar vista. His heart skipped a beat as he read Johnny Lynn's location, U.S. Lunar Moon Base. He spun around to face his audience and smiled like someone trying to remember how to make his muscles move.

SPEAKER_03 14:56

I quit! Elliot pointed to the board full of reserve humans. You can choose one of these or select the astronaut stuck. I mean, stationed up here. I am sure he is so desperate for something that isn't freeze-dried or recycled that he will do anything you ask. You can't quit, said Satoshi.

SPEAKER_02 15:15

You have already signed off on your biometrics. In addition, Supreme Treasure Sandra is the only one who can swear in a new ambassador, and only G-O-D knows where he is. You can serve as our proxy human until we select a suitable candidate. In the meantime, you will have to help us assimilate the Earth. After the ceremony, you will be free to live a normal human life and fade into the ether of time.

SPEAKER_05 15:44

Plus, those ones are all deceptively defective, smirked Fermi, pointing to the board. At least we know what's wrong with you.

SPEAKER_01 15:51

You need to tell him.

SPEAKER_05 15:54

Interrupted Sam. Tell me what? Questioned Elliot. It's insignificant to the task at hand, said Satoshi, scrolling through her iPad. Tell me.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

Fine, fine. I guess you will figure it out sooner or later. The Earth is an experiment. The Federation of United Cosmic Kind has produced a new program for developing species. Instead of letting your lot vanish into the vast emptiness of existence, the Federation will help you progress to a one on a Kardashev scale.

SPEAKER_05 16:24

Fermi topped up Elliot's drink.

SPEAKER_04 16:26

Your success will allow twelve other species similar to humanity to develop and potentially save 314 billion lives from extinction. Elliot shook as he gulped down the shot of Coke Plus.

SPEAKER_03 16:38

You do realize adding more pressure isn't going to turn me into a diamond.

SPEAKER_04 16:42

Hmm.

SPEAKER_05 16:43

I don't know. You are made of carbon, said Fermi.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

Now let's go put it on.

SPEAKER_05 16:47

Interrupted Sam. Put what on? The ugliest piece of overskins I've ever seen. Said Fermi.

SPEAKER_01 16:53

There is a suit in your room.

SPEAKER_05 16:55

Said Sam, jumping up, grabbing Elliot's hand, and pulling him towards the door. Za thrust Zia limbs flamboyantly and said in an effeminate French accent.

SPEAKER_00 17:04

You're welcome, lovely. I used the latest algorithms, earth awards, and science fiction shows to design your outfit, darling. Your suit is perfect.

SPEAKER_05 17:14

Elliot's heels skated on the cold steel floors as he vibrated with enough canned guilt and trepidation to fill a grocery store. Sam gazed at Za human, who was cracking under the infodump, and began checking Elliot's vital signs.

SPEAKER_02 17:27

Are you okay?

SPEAKER_05 17:28

asked Sam. Sam said Satoshi.

SPEAKER_02 17:32

I think the human needs some time to process. Let him have a moment to walk off his emotions.

SPEAKER_05 17:37

Fine, said Sam, staring at the ground. Zia's eyes spun like a cursor, recalculating Zia's next course of action.

SPEAKER_01 17:45

I wish humans had a reset button or a control panel.

SPEAKER_05 17:48

Agreed, said Axiv. One problem, where is he? They turned to see that the human had somehow vanished.