Conversations With Myself (and sometimes other people)
Navigating the crises of American millennial life through inner dialogue, character bits, mediocre impressions, the occasional sit down conversation with a real person, and other questionable acts of "creative expression".
Conversations With Myself (and sometimes other people)
Raccoon Penis Envy
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Methylene Blue + Kid Rock Workout = Really Good For Your Health
Welcome, please. You are listening to conversations with myself and sometimes other people. I'm your host, Caleb Conley. We have our very first guest today. Everyone, please allow me the honor of introducing the Secretary of Health and Human Services, the Honorable Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
SPEAKER_01Why, thank you, Caleb. The honor is all mine.
SPEAKER_00Happy you are here. I noticed you downed a bag of Doritos right before the show. I guess you were hungry. Oh Jesus, you saw that?
SPEAKER_01Well, I guess it's time I come clean. That my weak spot is a bag of Doritos every now and then.
SPEAKER_00Hey, all good. No judgment here. I'm more interested in uh finding out how this whole workout thing with Kid Rock came to be. Whose idea was that? Ha funny story, actually.
SPEAKER_01Trump watched the alternative halftime show at the Super Bowl and was impressed by how much energy Kid Rock had and said to me, Bobby, you think you can keep up with that guy? I said, Mr President, I'm sure I could. He said great. I'll let Kid know you're down. Next thing you know, we had showed to this place, and first thing they're telling us to do is take our shirts off. Which I had no problem with, and they started filming us. Cheryl was a little embarrassed by it but awkward a little bit awkward, but what can you do?
SPEAKER_00Oh I'm sure Cheryl has experienced plenty of awkward situations having been Larry David's wife for a while on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Fantastic show.
SPEAKER_01Larry is hilarious. So funny in fact that at times I've been worried about him trying to steal Cheryl.
SPEAKER_00No doubt, no doubt. Well speaking of stealing, I might as well get this question out of the way now. Uh I saw a New York Post article this morning, actually, uh, about you chopping off and taking a dead raccoon's penis once while on a family camping trip so that you could study it later on. Care to comment on that?
SPEAKER_01Jesus, I didn't realize I came to a gotcha show. I was trying to help you out. How many listeners do you even have, anyways? Two?
SPEAKER_00I doubt I have that many, but this is no gotcha show. It's not a real show, actually. Honestly, this is a pretty safe place to share secrets. Ain't nobody gonna hear it. In fact, this might be a perfect time for you to get some things off your chest. I'm sure you've been under the gun a lot lately, as have a few of your family members in the past, but we won't get into that. C consider this a therapy session and to let some steam off. The floor is yours.
SPEAKER_01Okay, well, I just want everyone to know that on Air Force One, when they took that picture of me holding the Big Mac like I was about to eat it, I did not eat it.
SPEAKER_00Well, if I may, on the caption for the picture, it said, quote, Make America Healthy Again starts tomorrow. End quote.
SPEAKER_01That's just more fake liberal news media nonsense. Donald Trump Jr. told me to stop being a pussy and eat the Big Mac. And I said, okay, I will once we take this picture. So they take the picture, and then I politely told the president that I could not eat that, and that I had already packed lunch with some beached whale tacos. I had made it home.
SPEAKER_00Interesting. So I take it you and Donald Trump Jr. don't get along very well. Hmm.
SPEAKER_01My theory is we are both juniors. My father was going to be president but got killed while on the campaign trail. And his father actually became president after surviving a gunshot on the campaign trail. And so I think he just thinks he's better than me. And that he can push me around. Damn, this is getting kind of heavy. You sure you want to keep going? If I can keep up with Kid Rock working out, I sure as hell can keep doing this.
SPEAKER_00Okay, okay, sounds good to me. Seems like there are lots of stories about you involving animals in unique diets. It's true.
SPEAKER_01I once collected a dead bear cub off the road that had been hit by a car. I couldn't let it go to waste. So I put it in my car to take home, but I got so excited in the moment that I had totally forgotten that Cheryl and I had a convention in town we needed to get to that night. And so I left it in Central Park. And got I I hope someone got it that was in need of some real food.
SPEAKER_00I sure hope so too. Is there anything you'd recommend people integrate into their diets that would help them in a positive way? Methylene Blue!
SPEAKER_01It doesn't taste very good, and people might think you just took a blue chew because your tongue gets all blue, and it looks like you just hate like a blue raspberry candy, but it's not candy, it's really good for you. Lots of benefits. Just look at the website for HHS.gov. But I can't verify what it does do. And it does not give you unwanted boners like a blue chew.
SPEAKER_00Methylene blue, everyone, go get you some today. Robert, please call me Bobby. Bobby, it's been a pleasure. Let's do this again sometime. Bye everyone.