Conversations With Myself (and sometimes other people)
Navigating the crises of American millennial life through inner dialogue, character bits, mediocre impressions, the occasional sit down conversation with a real person, and other questionable acts of "creative expression".
Conversations With Myself (and sometimes other people)
Dear Diary Pt. 2
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Turns out public school really IS a place of higher learning.
Dear Diary, it's been a week since my last entry. Is it weird that sometimes I wear socks with my crocs? Is it weird to sleep with just socks on? Is it weird that I have a pet fox and socks and crocs in a box? Why am I talking about socks? Why did I have to learn how to cook good food? Now nobody wants to make anything. They say they can't wait to eat what I make. Since it's true that food you didn't have to make yourself tastes better, does that mean even if my food is made better than how others make food that I'll never get to experience better food than they do? I made burgers this weekend. Apparently, they're so good that a patty fell on the floor, and my dog almost killed my sister's dog over it. Caleb, you should open up a restaurant. Yeah, and get a bunch of dogs killed because of it? No thanks. Wouldn't even be worried about the health department. I'd have vegan pita protesters in the parking lot harassing my customers. That doesn't seem like a good plan for success, now does it? Am I saying my food is too good for the public to handle? Yes, that's what I'm saying. Hey, Caleb Connery here. Do you hate getting unwanted spam calls and text and have to manually block each number? Are you tired of being asked about a free roof inspection when you don't even have a home? Do you ever get unwanted group text sent to you and your siblings and your stepmom? This is where the FTFU app comes in. Its proprietary AI technology detects when an unwanted text or call comes in and keeps you from knowing about it so you can enjoy your day in peace. $2.99 a month subscription, but to get 20% off your first year with promo code CODIATAClean. That's right. Promo code K-O-O-D-E-A-D-A-K-L-E-A-N. Download and subscribe to the STFU app today. Available in all app stores. Peace of mind for $2.99 a month. Now that's a good deal. Let's get back to the show. My six-year-old heard the word vagina for the first time at school. How do I know he's not gay? He says he likes that word. That he likes all the sounds that are in that word. He said it with ease. Phonetically, every syllable. I was worried what he might learn at that public school, but turns out it really is a place of higher learning. They say if you enjoy what you do, you'll never work another day in your life. Yeah, right. If money was no object, what would I do? What would I do to occupy my time? All I've ever known my adult life is stress about money. What kind of stress would replace that stress? Would I have to talk to people more? No more excuses for skipping that workout or why I was so busy that I didn't see that missed call or text from that person I'm trying to avoid. Will my wife think that now I have enough free time to finally clean the garage? I don't know. I think I'll just stick to stressing about money. Sure, Trump's not perfect. He may not even be a good person. He may not even be Jesus. But at least the economy is greater than ever before. Everything is cheaper than ever before. And we have that peace of mind at the end of each day that we are going to get the best sleep ever. Knowing the world is at peace and that everything is going to be okay.