Shaking Hands Is Kinda Gross

I don't know where your hands have been at okay.

Transcript

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Conversations with myself. Sometimes other people do conversations with myself. Conversations with myself. Hosted by Caleb Connery. Come on and stay loud. Conversations with myself. Sometimes other people do.

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Have you ever seen someone you know out in public but they haven't seen you just yet? Do you go over to them to talk? Or do you go the other way to avoid a conversation? You keep going, and then you get to another part of the store and you see them again. And it doesn't seem that they have seen you yet still. So you pivot again and go the other way. Next thing you know, you're peeking down the aisles before you go. Should I have just had that awkward conversation from the beginning? Been like, hey, you we shop at the same grocery store. Haha, weird, right? Okay, well it was good seeing you. We should hang out sometime. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Whenever I'm driving and approaching an intersection or in public, coming up on someone, I can tell it's planning or trying to ask me for something or sell me something. I act like I'm getting a phone call. And I put my phone to my ear and start having a fake conversation. If they can see me on the phone but try to talk to me anyway, I just put my other hand up like shh and mouth the words, I'm on the phone. Have you ever been at a restaurant and you accidentally locked eyes with someone across the room? Where it's like a brief second too long? Have you ever done it accidentally with the same person multiple times? It's like the first time was weird and you're curious why that happened. So you subconsciously go back for another look. The problem is that person is doing the exact same thing as you are. And so you locked eyes again for a second time. Now it's even weirder, and you're even more thrown off. You wait a little longer this time. That way, if they look at you again, the timing will be off or different. The problem is, that person thought the exact same thing, and so now you locked eyes again for a third time. At this point, you either stare for a brief period that feels like eternity, or you quickly look away and run out the door. There's no playing this off. You're being weird and so are they. And now you can't think about what it is being talked about at your table. Why is it that servers ask you how everything tastes so far when they just set the food down like literally 15 seconds ago and you clearly haven't had a bite yet? But still, we reply back with, it's good, thank you. Hey Caleb Connery here. Do you often feel like you are inside a glass case of emotion? Do you have lots of feelings, often intense ones, where you tend to keep them bottled up so that you don't explode? Well, now you can let it all out. Introducing the emotional support screaming jar. You keep one of these jars in arm's reach at all times. The moment you feel like you can't contain it anymore, simply grab your emotional support screaming jar, take off the lid, let it all out inside of the jar, then put the lid back on and go about your day. $6.99 for one or two for $10.99, including shipping. Link in bio. Now let's get back to the show. Have you ever met someone at a party and while shaking their hand, you completely miss what their name was? Then later in the party, they say your name, because they remember it, of course. Start asking things about yourself, and you tell them, and you feel the need to reciprocate, so you ask them, you know, about themselves, but but you don't address them by their name because you don't remember it. You hit it off great, and then they're heading out and they say, Caleb, it was great meeting you and getting to talk. You say, You too, man. See you next time. You know, maybe instead of going for the handshake first to start out a greeting, maybe we should just exchange our names. And then we say the pleasantries and shake hands. That way we are committing their name to our memory before the other stuff. Is it just me or is it a little weird that the first thing you do in meeting someone is touching their hand with your hand? I don't know where that hand's been. I don't even know where mine's been. When we go to the bathroom and don't touch anything but our own skin, and we know it's clean, we automatically wash your hands. When we meet people and touch their hands, we don't think, hey, I need to go wash my hands right away. Seems a little inconsistent. Anyways, that's why I started doing the fist bump a lot more. The problem is sometimes I want to show a person more respect and do the real thing, you know, do a handshake. But I've already committed, I went in, I'm going in with the fist bump. And as I'm almost there, I have that split second thought that, like, oh, this should be a handshake. And so I switched it up last second, and now my open hand is awkwardly holding their fist, and they nervously laugh, and so do I. Have you ever accidentally liked someone's Facebook post from 10 years ago? It'll make your heart sink because there's no way to explain that other than you were creeping on them, and they know it. They may not ask you about it, but they'll forever wonder why you were checking out their high school prom pictures. How many sneezes do you get to stop saying bless you? First sneeze, bless you. Second sneeze, bless you. Third sneeze, bless you. That's it. Any additional sneezes no longer require a bless you. You used up your bless you's allotment. It ends at three. If it continues to go on, you might get a dang, maybe you oughta go see the doctor out of me, but that's it. Bless you. I used to get annoyed with friends who would Irish exit from a fun party without saying goodbye. But then I turned 36 and realized how brilliant it really was. If you announce you're leaving, then all eyes are on you. Then you are at a minimum like 10 minutes away from actually leaving because you want to give each person a sincere goodbye and a hug, and but then risk a new conversation or two roping you back in, and now it's like 30 minutes later. I mean, if it's been 30 minutes, do you have to say goodbye all over again? Because you never really left. This is what makes the Irish goodbye so great. You just leave. And if you get a text asking if you left, you can just reply with, yeah, I'm sorry, I was just really tired and need to get up for work early tomorrow. Didn't want to interrupt everyone's conversation, everyone seemed, you know, busy. That person will relay to everyone else at the party that you left and share the reason why, and you don't lose any cool points. If anything, they think you're a little cool now because you just slipped out with without them noticing. There's nothing more awkward than opening a present in front of the person who just gave it to you. Usually when I get a gift, I'll say thank you so much, and try to set it down to the side and carry on in the conversation so I can do it later. But then they go, No, no, no, go ahead and open it now. You sure? Right now? Yeah, go ahead. They're hanging on, watching every minor detail of how you react. Almost regardless of the gift itself, you're put on the spot and you don't want to hurt their feelings if you aren't crazy about the gift, so you prepare yourself to react positively. But even if you act positively, if it's not sincere enough in your initial reaction, they will know you didn't like it and will immediately say, Well, if you don't like it, you know, the gift receipts in the bag, and I want you to get what you want. And you lie and say, No, no, no, no, I'm keeping it. Thank you so much. But you know you're not. Next time you see them and they ask about the gift they gave you, you freeze because you honestly had forgotten what it was. And now you gotta play dumb long enough for them to say what it was, and then you go, Oh yeah! Sorry, my mind just went blank for a minute. Yes, I love it. Thanks again. Now you're really in a hole. You've committed to the lie. How do you get out of this now? Do you confess? Do you rebuy that item and put it in an obvious place where they will see it next time they are at your house? Or do you hope it will just eventually go away and it won't be brought up again? Happy birthday to me.