Episode 32 - Distance

In this reflective episode, Jeuse Kastoan acknowledges the space between where he started and where he stands today—financially, mentally, and emotionally. “Distance” explores the quiet growth that happens over time, the mindset shifts that come with struggle, and the strength it takes to leave the old version of yourself behind. Sometimes the biggest wins aren’t loud—they’re measured in how far you’ve come.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

So myself, I can remember, you know, when I was like living in Houston that, you know, I had bills. I was working at Best Buy.

SPEAKER_01 0:15

I didn't remember how much I was making, maybe seven, eight dollars an hour. Don't remember. But I was paying for bills. And then, you know, I went to school before I actually went to uh Best Buy. And you know, I had student loans or whatever, started to pay for it. And I end up dropping out. So when I started working at Best Buy, you know, to get my checks, pay my bills and everything, help my mom out here and there.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

And then one of these days when I needed to pay bills, you know, they started garnishing my checks.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

So they were taking like five, six hundred dollars, I think, out of my check if I remember correctly. And that was literally more, if it was not half, it was more than half my check. And I didn't need to pay for my bills. So at that point, I was like, okay, well, my user to go to is I'm just gonna pawn something, and then whenever I get paid, I'll you know, I'll pay to get it out. So uh I was looking, I was like, well, I could pull my laptop, but I don't want to pawn my laptop because you know that has like my music and stuff, and that's what I usually do on my pass time because made music. So I was like back then I wore a necklace. So I was like, okay, well, thanks for this pawn is gold chain 674. So you know I went to the pawn shop, tried upon it, and you know they do their little tests or whatever, which I didn't know that they did at that time whenever I was doing it.

SPEAKER_00 1:42

And then they told me that it was fake. They told me that it was fake. The old necklace that I wore, it was not real. And I was like, oh, alright. And um, at that point I was like, it is what it is. Got my laptop, pawned it, got a hundred and something for it, and you know, uh had money to hold me until the next paycheck, and you know, I pay my bills. But that was a hard life in general. Didn't have much money, just trying to survive, and didn't have much to show for it. Working a lot, you know, and interesting me working a lot and trying to pay these bills, you know, it still wasn't enough. And then I look to where I am now, you know, I'm making more than that now. I finished my degree, I'm going to graduate school. I've owned a property, sold a property, I own a house. Um a year or two ago, bought a brand new car. Like brand new, uh, not a used car, but a new car. And uh you know, it is just very different than the life I once had. There's a certain distance between these two different lives I've had. And that's the title of this uh episode, it's distance.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

You know, before um it was it was a it was a struggle. I can say that. It was a struggle. Uh didn't have much money. You know, I dropped out of school, so it wasn't like I could get a de I had a degree and I could like find a better paying job. It was literally when you don't have a degree and you can't get into these corporate settings or whatever, you find whatever you can, and usually what you can find if you're trying to go to legal way, you know, is you wanna you have to go to retail.

SPEAKER_00 3:53

So retail is always hard, retail always meets people.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

So I decided, you know what, I'm just gonna do uh retail and I'm gonna try Best Buy. Even before Best Buy, I was working at a warehouse and then I was working at Walmart. So now even then, it wasn't high-paying jobs.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

And the warehouse that I worked at, it wasn't a high-paying job, but it paid the bills, and not just that, but they had people working overtime and not even paying them overtime. It's like it was one of those.

SPEAKER_01 4:30

And I was working there, and then um at that point, you know, me not knowing the game and how people are doing things, I was just like, hey, uh, so when am I gonna get paid for overtime? Am I gonna get paid in my check or am I gonna pay in cash? Like, how am I doing? And then they reluctantly said see them after work's over.

SPEAKER_00 4:53

So, you know, at the end of the shift, I go to him and I ask him about it, and he just gave me cash. He gave me cash.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

And then um at that point I was like, well, that's weird. Uh I don't think I was supposed to get paid that. Well, obviously, I'm supposed to get paid at, that's the law. But I don't think he actually intended to pay me overtime. I think he just wanted me to work overtime and not pay for it. And um, you know, wanted to work his standard me, and he was like, Yeah, uh, he was like, Oh, you getting paid over time? And something in me told me to say no. I couldn't tell you why. I think it's because I knew it would be less friction and uh less confrontational if I said no. So I said no. And uh he told me he's like, okay, yeah, yeah, that's how they do it here. You know, they don't really pay over time. We work over time, they don't really care for it. So, you know, it is what it is, but it's a job, right? And I'm like, Yep. And then um at that point I was just like, okay, so this isn't a good situation.

SPEAKER_00 5:53

And I wasn't really a confrontational person at that point in time in my life.

SPEAKER_01 6:02

And you know, when I look back at it, when I look back at it now, it's like I feel like I should have said something.

SPEAKER_00 6:09

But then I also look at it and I'm like, but what if I would have said something, fuck that company up, and then uh, you know, he loses his job because I decided to say something and rock the boat. It's like it's very complicated.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

Because the right thing to do is to hold them accountable and be like, you shouldn't be doing this, you need to be paying people overtime.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

But then also it's like saying something could potentially fuck it up for everybody. And I had only been there for like a month, so it was um it was different. I can say that much.

SPEAKER_01 6:51

Definitely wasn't the most ideal situation. It definitely wasn't something that I wanted to really be a part of.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

Uh but in the end, I um after working there, I started working at Best Buy.

SPEAKER_01 7:08

And, you know, they were garnishing my checks and everything. After I had been there for like it was six months to a year, I can't remember exactly how long. But uh, they started garnishing my checks and everything. And you know, it's very hard for me to really function and live a daily life with a$600 check, six, seven hundred dollars. So at that point, um, you know, that's basically when I decided to join the Navy. But even then, that wasn't the breaking point joining the Navy. I still didn't really think about it. The actual breaking point was when my mom asked me for money and I couldn't give her money to help with the bills. And I was like, Yeah, I can't do this.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

Because if she needs help and I can't help her, then what the hell am I doing? Right? So at that point I was like, I gotta do something.

SPEAKER_01 7:59

I gotta do something drastic, I gotta do something that's gonna improve our situation, or at least potentially improve our situation, because I can already see the route that I'm going down, and there's not gonna be much money going down this path, and I'm gonna be broke for a while doing this. So at that point, I decided I was like, well, I'm gonna join the Navy. And then after I joined the Navy, that's uh really when things start shifting a lot. Um it didn't happen financially immediately, but it did start shifting. I can say that. And then um, you know, when I look at my life now, I'm pretty far removed from that. Now, obviously, anything can happen, you can always end up back where you were if you make mistakes in certain ways, you know.

SPEAKER_00 8:55

But, you know, um I'm not really an impulsive person, so I don't really do things that'll jeopardize my livelihood and my future. So in the end, uh it's uh it's not really something I worry about.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

I mean, I guess you guess you can't say I worry about it if I'm like in certain situations I do think about the implications of what can happen and what this could lead to and things of that nature. But um other than that, it's not something I'm worried about because I'm not I'm not a crash out, I'm not that type of person that just you know does things and doesn't think about the consequences. I always think about the consequences. So um now when I look at it, it's like that's crazy. And then, you know, uh I had a plan when I went to the military. I was like, you know, I'm gonna do at least eight years uh on my second contract, I'm gonna try to finish my degree, you know, and then probably leave and uh, you know, use my degree somewhere or something like that. You know, you know, tell God your plans and make them laugh. So obviously that didn't happen. And I didn't actually finish my degree until actually I was out of the Navy. Uh yeah, it was um, and even then it wasn't because like I wanted to do it for myself and I was like, yeah, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna finish my degree. There was times where I actually tried going back to school and it just didn't work. Like I just didn't have the motivation.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

Didn't want to do it. Wasn't want to do it. I tried, but I like half-assed it. Like I really wasn't putting all my effort into it.

SPEAKER_01 10:40

Um and honestly, I was fine with that. I didn't really care about finishing school. I was comfortable living my life as is. Um, I met my wife, and then you know, slowly but surely over time, I found that motivation again to, you know, not be an underachiever, be an overachiever, and try hard and do my best at things. And then it turned into me wanting to provide a life for her that she would love and that I would love, even though really I love any lifestyle long as she's there. But you know, I want to I want her to live a good life and I want to be reading that, you know, she has a good life. So I started focusing on school. And then, you know, I started focusing on getting better jobs to provide, and you know, I found those jobs, and then uh, you know, even when I lost my government job, I was still trying to pivot and trying to find a way to make money so we could be okay. You know what I do? Just go to the go-to and right back to retail, went to Walgreens, so I did that, and then um, you know, it wasn't as much as I was making at the government job, but in the end, it was still a paycheck. And then while I was doing that, I was going to school full-time. So working full-time and going to school full-time. And um, you know, once I finished my degree, it it kind of changed things for me, basically. Um in regards to like work, promotions, new jobs, things of that nature. It really changed things and allowed me to make more money. And since it allowed me to do those things, it was very uh, you know, it changed things. But even then, um pretty much once I joined the Navy, my life changed. And when I think back to who I was back then, it's kind of hard for me to relate. It's kind of hard for me to see exactly where I was coming from. I mean, like if I think about it real hard, I can probably find and put two and two together and be like, okay, this makes sense on why I reacted this way or why I was moving this way. But um if I'm just going just like, okay, yeah, this happened when I was younger, why this happened, it's like honestly, I couldn't tell you the mindset that I was in and say that I understand who I was back then.

SPEAKER_00 13:13

Because I don't even think I knew who I was back then. I really don't. But um, you know, I just don't, I don't, I don't I don't what am I trying to say? I don't identify with it anymore.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

So it's hard for me to relate to it. With that being said, if I was to meet someone and they were like, yeah, I've been through this, I've been through that, I can relate in a sense that, yeah, like I've been through it, I get it. But um I can't relate to the person and their motivations that were at that point in time. Because I don't really know what my motivations were back then, or if I even had any. I'm just a different person. Not to mention I was very sarcastic back then. I'm not even that sarcastic anymore, if at all.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

So I don't even understand that why I was that way. It's just who I was.

SPEAKER_01 14:09

Um but you know, it's uh life is growth and life is time, and over time, you know, what you want to do is you want to improve and you want to get better. And I feel over time I have gotten better. And it was uh it's a life that's very far from me now, but in the end I do still have ties to it because it made me who I am. And I can definitely say I am proud of who I am now, so I can say for that time it did a lot for me.

SPEAKER_00 14:47

For me as an adult now. This was distance. I'm Juice Gastone. This is how I reset.