Yearning For The Urn (Trigger Warning)

CJ talks about how a recent day of work and talking to a friend has shifted the yearn for the earn to a yearn for life!

(!Trigger warning! this episode talks about suicidal ideation)

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello and welcome to the NIE podcast. It's me, CJ, your mate from I don't know if this is considered still down under. I should have probably taken this puffer jacket off before to stop the sleeping bag noises. Hang on. Yeah, it's fucking cold. It's starting to get cold. I'm not ready for winter. At the same time, I'm a pretty happy chappy though, considering it's about to be winter, so that's rad. Um dragged myself finally out of the hole and wanted to off myself. Um I probably should have side note, uh warnings, trigger warning, this podcast will ha this podcast episode will have suicidal references. Um yeah. Just I've wanted to off myself for the last yeah. What a ch chirpy subject, hey. For the la on and off for the last year or so, it's been a thing that I've struggled with um since probably my teenage years. Um but yeah, the last year or just over a year has been quite bad. Like things have got dark quite quick, and then I pull myself out, and then life's going good. It's kind of like been a shift from like manic everything's amazing to like holy shit, everything just keeps going wrong, and what's the fucking point? Um so yeah, anyways, I talked to somebody about it and a trusted person and um they've been there for me fucking solidly past this like from the uh in this past year and a bit well fuck longer than that. Um but yeah, such a fucking s I know so many fucking good people these days. Um I think that's one of the struggles, man. Like yeah, when I'm in those frame in that frame of mind and I just feel like a fucking burden and I don't want to reach out to anybody. I feel like nobody likes me or wants to be around me. Um yeah, it's real weird. It's real weird, and I just get trapped in my own head. Um but yeah, on Friday, I had a pretty good day Thursday. I went to the gym. Apparently the gym's really good for my mental health. This is the first time that I've been into the gym well probably properly, like actually proper sending it. I've had a couple of times when I've gone to the gym. One time was like such a long time ago, and I was working in hospital um and I went for a while, somebody gave me a compliment on how good my bum was looking, and uh a girl a chick, and um that was it. I was like, my life's made up of made up, I've got a nice bum, that's it. That's all I need to do. My work here is done. So yeah, um, I was also very heavily drinking too at that point. It was hospit it was getting wasted on shift, like yeah, hectic has. But uh, and then have tried going back a couple of times, but it just ends up with me like paying for a membership that I'm not using. So this time round my work, the place that I work for actually fun like yeah, I get a free gym membership through them, and I didn't think I was gonna use it. I thought I was just gonna show up there and use their shower uh because it was gonna save me on power, and um it's so fucking but if you know me, it's not just like a oh that's a couple of day uh dollars, you know, or a dollar fucking saving. Like my showers are long, bro. My showers are long and I'm on a septic tank here too. So man, yeah, not only is it like probably five plus maybe dollars a day for my showering, it's also like the septic tank filling up. So yeah, I thought I was just gonna go there for that, and then I was like, fuck well, I can't go and shower, so I may as well go to the gym, and um, and I also looked in the mirror one day, one night, and I realised my ass was sagging, and because I've hit the 30 mark, I started talking to Jet Chat Chat GPT about it, and I was like, chat, my ass is sagging, and from that point on I've hit the gym and hit it hard. I've hit it real hard, because fuck I'm not ready to get old and um yeah, to have a fucking saggy body just yet, but it's been interesting and I've hyper focused on it, obviously, and um yeah, realised that also I wasn't eating properly, man. Fuck. The summer before last I got so skinny and it took me such like months to put it back on and I still didn't put it on properly. I feel like I'm looking the healthiest that I've looked at the moment, like just weight-wise in a very long time. And yeah, that's purely because I wasn't getting my protein in. I was trying to live and work a very physical job of two I was trying to eat two muesli bars throughout the day. Um, that was pretty much what I was surviving on. Occasionally a smoothie, but yeah, far out. Just the hecticness, I don't know if people can like relate to this, but the hecticness of being self-employed and you just go, go, go, go, go. Oh, yep. So my fucking computer overloaded again. I might have to look into getting a laptop for this, but anyways, yeah, being self-employed, just go go go. No time for eating properly. So it was more actually, I think that's bullshit. I told myself that at the time, but I think it was just the lack of being like prepared, like adequately prepared, actually having some sort of a routine and going to the supermarket once a week or fucking even multiple times a week. I really struggled to get out of the house too. Um so yeah, there was that and going to the supermarket. Fucking didn't want to go to the supermarket, but now, yeah. Now I'm going to the supermarket, getting my things, getting my protein. I'm aiming for, is it I think it's 120 between 120 and 135 grams of protein a day. So what that looks like for me is I've got some high protein yogurt, um, some hemp seed protein. What else have I got? Uh high protein oat milk. Um fucking heaps of chicken breasts, smashing the checky boobies, check checking chuck on the chuckin' titties. Checky boobies that did not come out properly. Yeah, the chicken titties. And um what else? Oh, cottage cheese. Oh fuck, I didn't put cottage cheese on my dinner tonight. That's alright, I had some yogurt. Um yeah, cottage cheese for just a fucking add-on. Like that's a slaps. That's a slap. And it's quite nostalgic actually. I said said to like said to my mum the other day, I was like, do we used to have this? Like, did I used to have this as a kid? Like I remember the consistency. Yeah, yum. And it's cheese. Cheese is fucking good for the soul. Forget about chicken soup for the soul. Hey, it should have been called cheese for the soul, because that's more on point. Um yeah, and protein, protein shakes, the masashi, masashi um recovery protein, 30 grams of protein per serve. Yep, smashing those two. So that's pretty much me. I'm not like full sending, I'm not full sending like the full blown, have to be healthy, living everybody. Like I'm yeah, I'm not training to be a bodybuilder or anything like that. Um but yeah, anyways, so that's been going good. That's been going good for the mental health. And then Friday I ended up going and working at a real old cemetery for work. Um, and it was graves that were from the 1800s and early 1900s, and I kind of just had this like a couple of epiphanies really of like A, we're all gonna fucking end up there. Like, here I am yearning for the urn as I described it to somebody the other day, and bro, it's coming, like it's coming. I will die one day, but just not until my time's up, I guess. And until that day comes, then it's up to me to fucking live my life, really. It's up to me how I fill it in. If I want to sit there and be miserable, I can be fucking miserable, but um, yeah, there's no point in me sitting around just fucking wishing my life away and wishing that I was dead, because I'm no help to myself, I'm no help to anybody else, and I know where that leads me. It leads me back to fucking drinking. Like I wanted to drink real bad last week to the point I was like thinking about the bottle store. I don't know if I've had that in oh, yeah, I guess so. I can't remember when the last time that's been on and off as well. It's like I'm gonna fucking use I'm gonna fucking use alcohol or whatever, and that's usually my go-to. Used to be anyways, and uh, yeah, or I'm gonna kill myself. Fuck. It's been a hectic, yeah, but it's nice to come out on the other side. I've also been practicing a bit of gratitude, you know, a bit of fucking gratitude and a bit of like spiritual contact too. Um I'm not religious, I'm not opposed to religion or people that are religious. Um I'm not opposed to frickin' talking to Jesus on the whenever. I don't even know if it is Jesus, but hey. Um but I also really like nature and yeah, spiritual connection, universe, energy, um acknowledging that I'm part of the universe, that I uh in a trippy way, I'm like the universe experiencing itself in this tiny little floating fucking earth object. Yeah. Anyway, I won't go too far down that rabbit hole today. Um so yeah, spiritual contact. I pulled some oracle cards as well the other day, and I've asked a really good friend of mine um if she could do me a reading on Tuesday. So I'm really looking forward to that. That'll be so nice. Um yeah. Because I've been relying on my own spiritual talents, and I tell you what, I'm a baby. I'm a basic bitch. I'm a basic bitch. Um yeah. So in the in the cemetery and uh fuck I um came across this one grave and there were some little rocks on there and it was in like the the shape of like a cross and I was like fuck like it was an old as grave. Hang on, I'll find it. I'll find uh because I took a picture of it because it real got me and I really wanted to like remember, remember like yeah, that moment. 1886 this person died and there was this little little cross like stones like a cross in the shape of a cross, and I thought, man, somebody's fucking cared about that person. Somebody has cared about that person and just got me thinking to like we've got it all wrong. These people that like died in the grave that that died and are in graves, they don't take their flash cars, they don't take their fucking oh, some of them take their gold rings and diamonds and shit like that, eh? And I think it depends on what you believe in if you think you're gonna take that with you. But uh you don't get to take all your materialistic bullshit with you and yeah, like it just made me think about how backwards we have it as a society, I feel like it's less about materialistic stuff, the things that we've made really big, material materialism and fucking consumerism, and what actually matters is connection and the people that fucking care about you, the people that are gonna clean your headstone when you're gone and continue the memories of you and continue practising the good shit that you've put out there Like yeah your legacy of like the the positive ripples that you can that you've left in society Yeah, so that that opened up my eyes. It really did working at that cemetery and I met the most interesting man, um so it turns out that actually his granddaughter put that he's been restoring the the headstones of these uh at this particular cemetery for a while and putting back together the pieces with like glue and stuff like that, the ones that have fallen over and smashed and broken apart and he's cleaned up like these beautiful, beautiful marble headstones um that are all carved and some one had a had Corfi flowers and another one had ivy and they just look beautiful, like it's amazing to think how old they actually are. He's done doing a great job, but yeah, he came over and had a chat with me and said that that was actually his his granddaughter that put put those rocks there, and I was like, oh my gosh, I had such an epiphany looking at that, and that's kind of where I'm at, man. Like just this community that I'm living in at the moment, it's healing something in me. Like people are friendly and not for because they want something out of you, just because they're well, I don't know, maybe fucking some, but the impression that I've got so far is that they just yeah. Other human beings wanting to connect and to be a part of this community and give back and just fucking get to know you. It's funny, man, when you're like out there, like people just come and talk to you. I'm used to living in the city where people fucking yell at you. So that's where I'm at. That's where I'm at, and that's my message for today is just you don't get to take any of it with you. It doesn't make you a better person if you've got more. It's nice to enjoy nice things and luxury, and I'm all I'm fucking all for that. You should see my shoe collection. It's like all good to fucking want to live a nice life filled with nice things, but like your character and how you treat other people and what you get to leave behind and who you sh get to share life with I think that's that's the ticket. That's the fucking ticket is love and connection and being a part of something bigger than yourself. Hell yeah. Caring about others. Yeah, baby. Yeah, that's me for today. Thank you so much for tuning in for another episode, and I'll see ya well, you'll hear me on the next one. Peace out.