I Think I've Committed

From podcast hoarder to making a decision to upload. Teeth breathing, consistency or lack there of, time blindness and enjoying relationships.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome. Hello and welcome to the NAYA podcast. My name is CJ and as always I am your host today. I'm gonna have to come up with a better fucking opening line for that. Um my name's CJ and welcome Welcome My name's CJ and welcome for fuck sakes Anyways, what up homies? I'm sending it. I've decided I am fucking sending it. I just was sitting on the couch procrastinating on editing uh my pre-recorded episodes that I'm hoarding at the moment. Um and I typed into YouTube, yeah na yeah, just to check and see if there's anything on there because I've checked the I've checked Spotify but yeah, yeah, nah, there's nothing on there apart from I did come across a tune from a band called Capri Capricor, so like C-A-P-R-I-C-O-R-E called Yeah Na Yeah. And it was released one day ago, yesterday, the 8th of May. So if that's not a sign for me to yeah, get my A into G and release this, I don't know what is. I do like taking signs from the universe and I feel like that is one to get off my ass and yeah yeah, fucking send it. Yeah. So I've also realized I need to stop breathing through my teeth on here because it's really become really apparent that I do that. Um like I don't know what that's about. I've never realised that I've done that before, but here we go. Anyway, I don't really know what I'm what I'm gonna talk about today, which is probably a critical error, and I could just pause and and come up with something, but I'm just gonna I'm just gonna roll with it. I've just seen the last little bit of consistency up on the board with three exclamation marks. I've got it it's insistency, so insistency. That's all I can say of consistency. And that's probably kind of rel you know, that's kind of relative to my life is the whole consistency wasn't really there. But I have been pretty consistent with this for the I can't remember how many weeks I've done now where I've done a podcast a week and I'm pretty I'm pretty stoked actually, and still going to the gym consistently. The meal prep has fallen off a little. I didn't go to the supermarket on Friday and that was a bit of a critical error, but the weather was shit, man. It was fucking pouring down and I went to the gym and well I just was I was super keen to get to the gym and get a sweat on. It was arm day, if anybody cares, and I still don't really know what the fuck I'm doing there. I've definitely got my L plates on like I told one of the lads there, but yeah. Um Yeah, I don't I don't know. Anyways, I fucked around, didn't go to the didn't go to the supermarket and uh no well we've got stuff in the freezer, eh? All goods, all good in the hood. But yeah, the consistency, I feel like I'm actually becoming a little more consistent. The only consistency that I used to have in my life before was inconsistency and I was pretty consistent at like like I don't know not good shit. Like being late, I'm still pretty consistent at that. I must admit, I am fucking terrible at being on time. It is just it's something that I've struggled with like my whole life, and every time I like if I move somewhere new or start a new job or whatever, I'm like, yeah, this is gonna be it. Like once I figure out the time it takes to get ready and the time that it takes to get to work, and once I do this and that and the other, then I'll be fine and I'll get to work on time. Nah. Nah. Does not work like that. Um I'm still breathing funny, and now I'm real conscious of it. So sorry. Sorry, we're just gonna have to just yeah, well you don't have to do anything, but I think I'm gonna be breathing like that for a little while longer. Oh, hello, hello, what are you doing, little doggy? Didn't close the door properly, did I? And the dog snuck in. Anyways, I'm back. Can't remember what the fuck I was talking about. Oh time, time management, yeah, terrible at it. Just watched a video this week actually from some guy that was talking about ADHD and time blindness. And he said the way that it works for him is that if somebody says uh dinner's dinner's at seven, what his brain turns it into is like, okay, not now. And he will like he said he's got friends, something along the lines of he's got friends that will start getting ready at like six o'clock or whatever, or five thirty or something. That's not the ex I think I've fucked the time up, but um, yeah, he'll they'll start getting er ready early, and he's like, Why are you getting ready? Dinner's not till seven, and they're like, Yeah, we've got to get ready so that we can go to dinner, and he's like, Oh wow, fuck. I was I was planning to like watch a movie or it like planning all these things that he could do with that time, and oh my gosh, brother, that is me. That is me to a T. Fuck. Even if I get up early for work, I'll do like extra sh extra stuff, extra tasks. I'm like, oh I've got all this time and I can do this, and then I'm still fucking late. Like I don't know how I don't know, I don't know. I don't know what to what to do, but I'm aware of it, and they reckon that that's the first step is just being by they I mean um my first counsellor. Yeah, the first the first step to changing things is becoming aware of it. Like how are you meant to solve a problem if you don't even know that there's a problem in the first place? Yeah. Yeah, so this is where I'm at. Um I've consistently done it for long enough now, I think I might be ready. I think I might be ready to commit. And as someone that's not fond of commitment, I think I already have. I think I I think I already have committed to this. I just didn't want to start it and then re and release it, and then there like when I was looking through Spotify, there was a few pages like of like I would think up some names and I'd be like, oh yeah, I'll type it in, and then I'm like, ah this name's taken, that name's taken, oh for fuck's sakes, all the good names are taken. But then I actually started going into them and realized that a lot of them only have like one or two or three episodes, or they haven't put up episodes since like 2022 or something, you know, like they've started it and stopped. And I didn't just want to be another one of those, like to start something and then stop. So I guess it was a little bit of a test for myself to see if I could actually do it and if I enjoy it as well. Man, I don't want to sit here if I don't enjoy or start something and then release it, get people's hopes up, and then just to find out that actually I don't like this. Um, it's not for me. That still might happen, but I'm quite enjoying my little podcasting evenings and just sitting here talking to well, talking to a wall, but hey, talking to hopefully some people soon. Like if I yeah. When when language is important, my first counsellor also said that how we speak uh uh matters and um yeah, not if, when, when I blimmin um learn how to edit all these or fucking maybe not even that, when I upload them. I set a I set a date last week and I wanted to upload them. I put it in my calendar, I can actually show you. I'll tell you what, fuck. Who am I? Using a calendar blumin', setting time time, you know, setting what do you call it? Is it like go is that a goal? Oh my god, is that a goal? Did I set a goal? I think I fucking did. Yeah. Podcast release day, which is Sunday the 10th of May, which today is Saturday the 9th of May. Sunday, 10th of May 2026, podcast release day, 9 pm upload, cut off. Fuck, yeah. And I even put it in a different colour. Usually I just use blue because it's the stock standard colour that everything turns, um, and like or gets saved automatically as like a little blue dot, but I specifically saved this one as a pink one. So that's my goal. Um, is to have these edited or even just go through them, because I know a few of the first episodes were like maybe a little political, one of the episodes. Another one was about um ergot funky. Um yeah, it was about a few things that I just like hyper focused at on, and I don't know if they're actually very interesting. Um I don't know if this is very interesting, just m sitting here and listening to me um and say swear words and things. But um Yeah, I'll see. I'll see. I'll have a way look I'll have away look through the content and and start editing. I know there's like a way that you can because I say a lot of ums and pauses and I've started and stopped and yeah, I know there's a way that you can like taper off like the volume and hmm yeah. I thought about just uploading them like as they were, just like real fucking raw recordings, no editing, but it might be a bit of a tough listen. It might be a bit of a tough tough shit listen uh listen listen and yeah like I don't wanna I don't wanna lose listeners if I gain any. I think like maybe two people might listen to this, like my mum and her cousin in the UK or and my friend in Boston, um or maybe a few friends in New Zealand might jump on and have a little listen. Yeah. I know actually I have a friend I have a friend that did a few episodes of a podcast and I listened to his and I I really enjoyed them. Um I don't know if I ever told him that actually, but yeah. He ran like a life coaching course and yeah, he did a few podcasts. Uh pot yeah, had a podcast and did a few episodes. They were really good. Um it's funny, isn't it? Like the things that you think of but don't always say to people. I had an interesting that actually reminded me of a interesting ac interaction that I had this week and I don't know if I I think I did mention the guy who was cleaning up the graves at the graveyard that I was working at at the cemetery that I was working at um when was that? Last week. And I was working at the cemetery again, he like yeah, he came up to me, came up to me and he was like, uh oh fuck. Okay, this is this bit's gonna need to be edited. This bit's definitely gonna need to be fucking edited. Cut it, cut it. Um yeah, he said, as you get older you don't care as much, like you stop caring as much. And he said, I like to tell people like how what I think or how I feel these days, and he's like, I really appreciate it. I was sitting there thinking, like, oh fuck, here we go. Oh no, what's happened? And um, but yeah, he said, I really, I really enjoyed talking to you the other day, and thank you. Oh, did he say thank you? Fuck no. Anyways, this is my nobody's gonna actually care. A, like, why do I do that? Nobody's I could tell you as he fucking came in with like a a crocodile and you you wouldn't know any different. I do quite like to get my facts straight though. Um but yeah, he really appreciated it and he was like, you were real interested and stuff, and yeah, it was really cool. It was nice nice meeting you and talking to you the other day. And I thought, fuck that's nice. It was really nice to just have a bit of positive feedback and yeah, people people in this town, man, they're fucking they're just down to earth. I grew up in a in a small town and but I was probably too young to actually realise that that people were kind of down to earth and just real, or maybe it was back in the day. Like I also forget that I'm fucking old now too, until I look in the mirror and I think, oh my fucking god, what's happening to me? Yeah, oh my god, get the fucking Botox out. Holy shit. Um Yeah. So yeah, it's just nice. It's really nice to like live in a small town again and just have human, genuine human connection. To be honest, I was thinking about this the other day, um, and I did a little bit of I lived in Todonga for a little bit as well, and thinking back on it, I probably was part of a community there too that was a bit like that, but I just wasn't as open. Like it felt scary being in a big city, and I honestly I felt like everybody wanted something from me. I had just left like it was a relationship that took me out of Nelson to Todonga, um, boosted it the fuck out of there pretty quick. And yeah, I guess like my guard was up, like I didn't I didn't start on the best foot. I didn't have put my best foot put my best foot forward. Start off I started off on the wrong foot, that's it. I knew it was a fucking foot related um saying just the words didn't weren't joining together properly. Um I think there are genuine people everywhere and I'm a firm believer in like your vibe attracts your tribe. I think yeah, there is a certain amount of like surrender, like letting down of walls to actually allow people in to and a certain amount of like self-trust. Like I've been learning a lot about boundaries and stuff like that after realizing that I get myself into these situations over and over and over again where I'm fucking victimized and um Yeah and that's where I was that's what was that was what was fuck, that's another tangent. I'm going off down some tangents, but that was what was familiar to me, eh? And I guess it was a situation of like face it till you change it instead of what was it? Fake it till you make it, flipping it to yeah, face it till you change it, and well, I guess in my I guess in my situation it's repeat it until it gets too painful that you actually yeah then face it too in order to change it because yeah, you're sick of hurting yourself. So yeah, I've I've learned a lot, man, in the last like in the last few years it's been intense growth and I've yeah, I guess it's just the building blocks, the building like building the solid foundation within myself. Um uh yeah, as I say, the self-trust, the self-acceptance too, like realizing I'm actually a little bit fucking weird and a bit quirky and a bit full on and a bit um what do you call what's the word? A bit chaotic, a bit um I'm I can be real like quite a full-on person and I definitely swing from like one extreme to the other and that's okay. Like, and I I find I find interesting, weird, fucking not like the social norm stuff interesting. Like before mushrooms were a big hype, like I got quite into fungi and before yeah, like before Paul Stamets. Oh, I guess he was probably famous, but not as famous as he is now. That sort of shit. Like I like weird shit. I don't just like being the status quo. Yeah. And I guess yeah, I guess maybe like that's why I feel like I never fit in, like, or that I feel like I'm different, or there must be something wrong with me, but I'm learning, I'm learning to have that self-acceptance and that like yeah, to reprogram that like there must be something wrong with me, fucking neuro neur what do you call it? That neural pathway. Anyways. The moral of the story is I feel like I'm opening up as somebody who's had PTSD or has PTSD rather, just being open to like human connection when you've been hurt, like I didn't just magically get PTSD off like a fucking I don't know, like a tree. Like somebody might have, but it wasn't me. So yeah, the PTSD from what I'd been through, the trauma that I went through caused by other people um it's nice to feel solid enough within myself to start trusting again and and taking things slow, man. Just slowing the fuck down, slowing down, slowing relationships down, slowing like slowing down how quickly I let people in. Not chasing intensity as much. Like, um, because they're still I guess they're still here. Like they are still in this town. Intense people, if I want to find intense people, they're there. But learning how to like pick up on those cues within my nervous system, I was actually talking to somebody the other the other day and picked up on a couple of red flags, and I was like, sweet ass, noted. But the old me, because I walked away from that conversation feeling a little bit like flustered and a little bit like spiralling into some guilt and shame. And I do that quite a lot anyways, generally, but like this particular one, it was very noticeable and came home, talked to ChatGPT, and ChatGPT, like my biggest fucking fan, ChatGPT, that's always there cheering me on, um, was like, yes, you picked up on the red flags, like well done, and just wait and see. And then I gathered some more information too, and found out that yeah, in fact the nervous system was right on point. Yeah, I did a real cool um I asked that there was that trend that was going around about ask Chat GPT to do an unhinged bio of you and one of the things on my one was about um two seconds about yeah, reading the room. Oh, hang on. Can read a room instantly, but still somehow ends up thinking they're the confused one. And if that ain't the story of my life, like I don't trust my own intuition. I didn't. I'm learning. I'm learning to trust my intuition. And I've picked up on a couple of things recently that I'm like, oh nice one. Nice one intuition. Nice one nervous system. Let's fucking go. So yeah. Yep. No, that's pretty much where I'm at. That's where I'm at. Learning to enjoy other human beings. Fucking as we all should, man. As we all should. It is yeah, it has been a long journey to get to where I'm at. And uh yeah, there's still more growth to happen and there's still part of me that's like that's I guess that's still that's still that scared person that got hurt. But I'm healing, I'm healing that part of me, that inner child, that um fucking inner teenager, that real fucking angry, angry fucking teenager. Um I listened to a lot of metal as a teen. A lot and I wanted to be I so wanted to be an emo, and I'm showing my age right now and I don't fucking care. Emo was all the rage when I was a teenager. Yeah, I so badly wanted to be emo. Well I was, I was an emo, just maybe not with like the teased hair and the hard outside fringe. Um I didn't have the hair for that anyways, but yeah. Yeah, healing Healing Healing and learning how to live and enjoy life, man. It's a journey. It is a journey. Oh yeah. Anyways, man, I wish that band would give me um let me use their song. That was a fucking banger. That was actually really good, that song. Uh Yeah Yeah by Capricor Capricor. It's a little bit of a strange video, but um I should have known. I couldn't tell if they were Australian, and I hate to like swear like that on my podcast. I know I know you know how much I don't like profanity and swearing, but yeah, it was a little bit strange the v music video and part of the song I don't really understand, but I really do like the and I've only listened to it once, so that could be the problem. But um yeah, I do like it. It's got a really fucking good got a really fucking good chorus, man. I also really like that they say in there you take one day at a time, and then it goes into the chorus, and yeah, yeah nah, yeah, yeah, tan na na re na yeah, yeah nah. Anyway, I better not sing too much of that because I don't know if that affects things, but um, yeah, yeah. That's me for today. Thank you so very much for listening and hopefully you'll be hearing this, and um I'll meet my deadline. Anyways, peace out, homies, love ya, bye.