Kenice Mobley is Theorectically Good

It's our second-ever episode! First wasn't a fluke! Stand-up comedian Kenice Mobley joins Zach in Heaven to defend her life on Earth, weigh in on moral dilemmas, and a special message from her identical twin sister.

Are you a good person? Have you lived a good life? It's too late! You're in the Heaven Hot Seat on Judgment Day with Zach Zimmerman. Tune in every week to hear comedians and cool people defend their choices with eternal consequences.

Ex-evangelical Zach Zimmerman hosts. :)

If you're a fan of comedy podcasts, maybe you'll be a fan of this one!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Stop letting these people be billionaires, put them in chains, uh dismantle their properties, disseminate them amongst the people, and anyone who's trying to become a billionaire, uh, either can work for the betterment of humankind or meet the guillotine. One of the two.

SPEAKER_04 0:15

Meet the how'd you say it?

SPEAKER_02 0:18

Meet the guillotine. Say it again? You heard me.

SPEAKER_05 0:21

Guillotine? That's what I said. Like a fish's gills? The L's are silent, I think.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

How do you say it?

SPEAKER_05 0:29

Guillotine.

unknown 0:30

Shit.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Guillotine! Guillotine. I took French.

SPEAKER_05 0:35

I love Now you have died and gone to heaven. You'll be interviewed by an entry level. Welcome to Judgment Day. I'm Zack Zimmerman, Angel on Earth, and yes, I'm naked under this. Joined today by the recently deceased Kennisse Mobley. Welcome to heaven, Kennise.

SPEAKER_02 1:15

Hello. Do you want to take it in?

SPEAKER_05 1:17

No.

SPEAKER_02 1:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 1:18

We're keeping that in.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

Great.

SPEAKER_05 1:20

Mistakes happen in heaven.

SPEAKER_02 1:21

That uh unexpected, but it makes sense that that would happen.

SPEAKER_05 1:26

Like you potentially getting in here.

SPEAKER_02 1:28

Wow.

SPEAKER_05 1:29

I want to let you know how you died.

SPEAKER_02 1:31

Okay, how did I die?

SPEAKER_05 1:32

Because it it was very unexpected. Kennis was in Los Angeles, found herself in a tree spying on Michael B. Jordan sunbathing, and she slipped and fell. Like my Halo, her last words were okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:52

I can accept that.

SPEAKER_05 1:53

I because you're one of my horniest friends, I would say.

SPEAKER_02 1:58

It's so funny that that is my reputation. And it is like a deep interest of mine. But when it comes to actually like a man in front of me, I'm like, I could care less. Um I would I would love to be more attracted to actual men, but the idea of a man is better to me often than the actual man. And I'm working on that, and that is probably why I developed a parasocial attachment to Michael B. Jordan.

SPEAKER_05 2:26

Well, this isn't therapy, Kinesia. This is heaven. Sixty seconds on the clock because you can talk. Oh, I can't. Why are you why do you belong in heaven?

SPEAKER_02 2:36

I belong in heaven because I respect life, people, and pro life? Uh I did not say that. That's what I heard. I uh like people, I listen to people, I form I try to form community when I can, and I try to limit the harm that is done based on even my shopping habits and my beliefs. Amazon very occasionally.

SPEAKER_05 3:02

About 15 seconds. I didn't start a watch. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 3:05

Well I'm I'm nice and I would be fun to have around in heaven. So if you want heaven to be nice, put me there.

SPEAKER_05 3:11

Fun, nice, community, harm reduction, harm reduction. Harm reduction. What about his word? Mutual aid? Of course. Progressive. Uh leftist. Yeah. Come on up. There's there's you'd be surprised how many Republicans we have up there.

SPEAKER_02 3:29

I'm I am surprised that they would uh willingly put their lot in with uh pedophiles and murderers and people who starve other people and say that makes sense as long as the Dow is above whatever.

SPEAKER_05 3:45

Pedophiles, murderers, and people who starve other people?

SPEAKER_02 3:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 3:50

How do you commit the crime of starving someone?

SPEAKER_02 3:53

By hoarding uh huge sums of wealth, even though uh lots of people have absolutely no money, and then requiring money to have basic rights, space, water, air that's clean, all that. So by making the choice to amass uh five hundred billion dollars, you are in essence making the choice that some people will starve to death. Is this a fun conversation?

SPEAKER_05 4:20

I'm having a blast. Okay. What are some good deeds that you did during your time on Earth? During my time on Earth. Clearly, no evil. I agree with you on many of the things you're saying.

SPEAKER_02 4:30

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_05 4:31

It was just interesting to me that to be a pedophile is to is an act, there's an action. Yes. And murder is an action, but starving someone, there's like a degree of separation. You're creating an environment where someone starving. It's not like I ran into the buffet and took your food away. Right.

SPEAKER_02 4:46

But kind of like the buffet of like resources, and you took all of them before anyone else could get to them.

SPEAKER_05 4:55

Well, a system systems don't get into heaven or hell. People go to heaven or hell.

SPEAKER_02 4:59

The people who built those systems, though.

SPEAKER_05 5:01

Let's talk.

SPEAKER_02 5:01

Continue to prop up the systems that result in the harm of half of the world's population or more.

SPEAKER_05 5:07

You're a little don't you're preaching to the angel, baby. Okay, that's fine. You're preaching to the angel. That's fair. What are some good things you did while your time on Earth? What's the last good deed?

SPEAKER_02 5:16

The last good deed was Oh, interesting.

SPEAKER_05 5:21

Probably helping someone slowing down here. We're talking real fast earlier, you know? We went off script.

SPEAKER_02 5:28

Probably helping someone with a- a lot of theory, not a lot of praxis. Wow. Probably helping someone with their cart up the stairs of the subway. Really? Yes, because they're sitting there by the stairs and they look like they need help. Yes. And it's not even like a hey, here's my name so that you like I feel good. It's just a you grab the back of the cart, you say, eh, and then you carry it up to the top.

SPEAKER_05 5:50

I see, I didn't know who I was supposed to.

SPEAKER_02 5:52

Yeah, just do it.

SPEAKER_05 5:52

I learned and even with a stroller. Yeah. When somebody's supposed to offer.

SPEAKER_02 5:56

Otherwise they have to why I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 5:58

I guess I've been trained to that everyone's on their own, and if you offer to help, you're like offending them.

SPEAKER_02 6:05

No. We're not all on our own. You know what I'm gonna do? We're an interconnected stuff.

SPEAKER_05 6:09

When I see anyone at the bottom of the stairs, I'm gonna offer carry them up. You want a little piggy button with your arms?

SPEAKER_02 6:14

Are you very strong, Angel? I actually you have magic angel powers. Yeah, you should be helping them, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 6:20

That felt like you're exoticizing us, okay? They're not magic angel powers. Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 6:26

They're specific Judeo-Christian powers.

SPEAKER_05 6:29

And I'm lifting heavy things at the gym. Oh, okay, yes. Getting Jack by June, fit by 40 is sort of my mantra. I didn't know I got a lot of free time here in heaven.

SPEAKER_02 6:39

Okay, as an angel though, weren't you part of the original angel set? Meaning that you're like, No, I'm I was Zach. Oh, you're a comedian on earth.

SPEAKER_05 6:47

And I died and became an angel.

SPEAKER_02 6:49

Wait, okay. So this isn't just you didn't just You might become an angel today, too.

SPEAKER_05 6:52

Okay, see, this I was unaware of it. Watch your mouth.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

I thought angels were like a separate thing.

SPEAKER_05 6:59

Oh, there's some that have been around a while. Yeah. Gabriel.

SPEAKER_02 7:01

Yeah, he slut. You know personally?

SPEAKER_05 7:05

Mike, well, no, I I I'm I'm celibate up here.

SPEAKER_02 7:08

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 7:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:09

But Gabriel's not.

SPEAKER_05 7:11

No. He's a busy boy. And didn't he either him or Michael made Jesus?

SPEAKER_02 7:19

I thought it was God.

unknown 7:21

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 7:22

Maybe ask your boss.

SPEAKER_05 7:23

I thought it's one appeared. Pimped.

SPEAKER_02 7:26

I don't think it's a big thing. Michael or Gabriel. They were the person who declared the miracle of conception to Mary. But they're not the one who did the conception.

SPEAKER_05 7:35

Got it, got it. Yeah. I've been doing some of that.

SPEAKER_02 7:37

You've been doing some conception.

SPEAKER_05 7:38

No, I've I announce it.

SPEAKER_02 7:39

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_05 7:40

I come out like, hey, interesting Zach. You've been conceived. Mary Magdalene and Jesus are in the lazy river. Just so you guys know. We have a lazy river. You help someone that that's beautiful. Was that today?

SPEAKER_02 7:53

No, that was this week.

SPEAKER_05 7:54

And it's interesting, but you didn't do it entirely selflessly, right? Because you're telling me about it.

SPEAKER_02 8:01

I am telling you about it, but I didn't do anything in that moment to require a gift from that person. I simply remembered it, and because you asked, I'm reporting it back to you.

SPEAKER_05 8:10

Did they say thank you?

SPEAKER_02 8:12

Yes, they did actually.

SPEAKER_05 8:13

That's nice. What was in the cart?

SPEAKER_02 8:15

Um It was groceries. Because I've done it before.

SPEAKER_05 8:19

Groceries in this town.

SPEAKER_02 8:20

Yeah, it's like one of those wheel things. The little grocery cart. Can I call it a grandma cart? It's a grandma cart because it's just, but it is a grandma cart. Yeah, it's a grandma cart. Um, but it was one of those, but I have helped someone with a stroller before.

SPEAKER_05 8:33

God, you're a you're a martyr.

SPEAKER_02 8:35

I only if I get to be an angel.

SPEAKER_05 8:37

And you're like not me.

SPEAKER_02 8:40

I'm I'm a smaller person.

SPEAKER_05 8:42

Dainty creature, and you're helping putting your life on the line. It's dainty solidarity.

SPEAKER_02 8:50

It's dainty solidarity. Because I remember, okay, so I had Jesse David Fox, the comedy writer.

SPEAKER_05 8:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:57

He put out a thing on Instagram.

SPEAKER_05 8:59

We recently had the guy from Mad Men on his podcast.

SPEAKER_02 9:03

John Slattery.

SPEAKER_05 9:04

And it's a stand-up comedy podcast.

SPEAKER_02 9:06

Yeah, you're like, um, John Slattery isn't that funny.

SPEAKER_05 9:08

And I didn't have the nerve to comment on the video this, but since we're in heaven and my turf, I'm gonna call it out. Why have I, a stand-up comedian, never been on your show? But John Slattery. You're just going after celebs. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 9:24

John Flattery, though, is hot as fuck. Like you're attractive. But John Flattery, I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 9:29

Yeah, Jesse David Fox, you're chasing views, not the art of comedy that I thought we were after.

SPEAKER_02 9:35

This is the way you're definitely gonna get on his podcast.

SPEAKER_05 9:38

He's gonna be like, I can't take this all-oh, I'm in heaven now. I can't take it. I'm booked.

SPEAKER_02 9:44

I was like, you might be, but then he's like, I heard you talk shit about me on your podcast.

SPEAKER_05 9:49

True. What were you saying about Jesse David Fox?

SPEAKER_02 9:52

Oh, he posted on Instagram, I've got all these comedy books to get rid of. Does anyone want them? And my mom says I have hoarder tendencies. It's just that if someone's giving away something for free, I'm like, I could use that. So I have a comedy library in my house.

SPEAKER_05 10:04

There's no such thing as a free comedy book.

SPEAKER_02 10:06

I well, I have so much of them.

SPEAKER_05 10:07

You gotta, in New York, you gotta shut these things down. And I have more Jesse David Fox shade.

SPEAKER_01 10:13

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 10:13

This is shocking and it's relevant because I saw someone post a copy of my book. Yeah. They were like, I just got this book from the thrift store. And inside of it, there was a transcription that was like for Jesse. And I DM'd this man. Did you give away the copy of my book I signed for you?

SPEAKER_01 10:34

Yeah. And he did it.

SPEAKER_05 10:35

He was like, oops. He dodged it somehow. He's like, it'll be really valuable one day. He was like, at one time I had three of them. Jesse David Fox. Oh, Jesse David Snake.

SPEAKER_02 10:46

I have one copy of your book. I don't have three copies of your book. Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 10:49

Did I sign it?

SPEAKER_02 10:50

I don't remember.

SPEAKER_05 10:51

Do you have a copy of his book? God, not Jesse Fox Fox. Oh, God.

SPEAKER_02 10:55

I have well, which one? I have the Bible and I have the Quran.

SPEAKER_05 11:00

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 11:00

And I have the Bhagavad Gita, just in case.

SPEAKER_05 11:03

That is important too.

SPEAKER_02 11:06

And I have the Book of Mormon. I don't know which one's right, but just in case I have to reference something.

SPEAKER_05 11:11

It's really bad news. I have to break it to everyone, but the evangelicals were exactly right. Like you would think like everybody got a little bit of it right, but it's actually exactly fundamentalistic. Unless this is a weird torture idea.

SPEAKER_02 11:26

There must be alternative heavens. Oh, but the reason why I even brought that Jesse David Fox up in the first place is I had all these books and I was trying to get them up the stairs. Yes. And no one was helping me. And so I just walked over. There was like, because at my train station, for some reason, there'll be like six cops not doing a goddamn thing, just standing there on their phones. So there are six cops standing there, dudes big, and I have like a box and a wheelie cart full of like heavy books. And they didn't offer to help. And I was like, hey, what are you guys doing?

SPEAKER_05 11:56

That's a way to make a friend. That's a way to get help.

SPEAKER_02 11:59

Well, no, one hey, I okay, yes, my tone might have been questionable. But one guy, hand on his gun, is like, what do you want?

SPEAKER_05 12:06

Hand on his gun?

SPEAKER_02 12:08

And one guy's like, oh yeah, I can help you, ma'am. Because he could tell what was going on.

SPEAKER_05 12:12

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_02 12:12

And it's like, oh, it's just in here who don't know anything about the community or how people talk to one another and offer to help people, you assholes.

SPEAKER_05 12:21

What was this word you used?

SPEAKER_02 12:22

A jamuk.

SPEAKER_05 12:24

Am I allowed to use this word?

SPEAKER_02 12:25

I think so. I've been using it since I was a child, and I tried to look it up on Urban Dic Dictionary, and it didn't seem to have like some sort of weird racial origin. So Isn't Urban Dictionary just sex stuff? I think it's all stuff. But when I say a Jamook, I mean just this uh clown, this Johnny come lately, this so-and-so shit.

SPEAKER_05 12:43

Johnny come lately.

SPEAKER_02 12:44

Just as somebody who's not helping anybody. Yeah. But you just pay attention, you dumb Jamuk, and then look and then do the thing.

SPEAKER_05 12:51

I don't I'm not gonna say it. Okay. But why what would my this uh uh not schlub, this clown clown? I feel like I call him a clown, this nair do well.

SPEAKER_02 13:04

Yeah, they're not doing well.

SPEAKER_05 13:06

Why also is the word Jamiraquai coming to mind?

SPEAKER_02 13:10

Because it's the J and the M and the Which is your in this context a quai, but in mine it's just ook.

SPEAKER_05 13:17

Yep, yep. What's uh you're a stand-up comedian?

SPEAKER_02 13:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 13:21

Has your work benefited or hurt society?

SPEAKER_02 13:24

I think it's benefited. Even though there are lots of people who scream at me on the internet, uh there are lots of women who have posted, I have I experienced this and I never thought about how yeah, this is relatable. And I'm like, yeah, later.

SPEAKER_05 13:38

What are you posting?

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Uh well, so one was my don't tell set. And it's about Don't Tell Comedy. Don't tell comedy, yes. It is about uh being anxiety, like being anxious about the smell of my vagina because the world has told me that I should be very anxious about it all the time. Or pants not fitting right, and then kind of like getting up in your business, or sleeping with dudes with big penises and being like this is I was told this would be fun.

SPEAKER_05 14:09

And so it was a clean set. It was a clean set.

SPEAKER_02 14:13

Everything was super dirty, and a lot of men commented like, A, she's too ugly to be talking about sex, which is just to be expected because it's YouTube, and then B, um, she's not funny. This I this this material is not relatable to me, and therefore it is not good. And I was like, I was never trying to relate to you. I am trying to relate to other dorky women. Women who wear glasses, women who uh just don't wear super fashionable clothes, who decided I have a style that is my own and not determined why by what uh Vogue said was good this year.

SPEAKER_05 14:50

Yes, the flash and police are still police. Yeah, and ACAB.

SPEAKER_02 14:54

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

SPEAKER_05 14:56

I well that I'm glad you put that up and felt made so many people feel seen.

SPEAKER_02 14:59

I hope I did. And like little things that I post, people are like, ah, yes, that. That is me.

SPEAKER_05 15:04

You're finding your people.

SPEAKER_02 15:06

I am. I did one where I uh little web thing recently where I admitted to the void uh that in middle school when a popular girl told me she had anorexia, I was like, I'm gonna try to have anorexia because she's popular.

SPEAKER_05 15:20

That's so supportive. Oh, you did it to be popular.

SPEAKER_02 15:22

To be popular, but then it didn't work.

SPEAKER_05 15:24

And so You didn't get it?

SPEAKER_02 15:25

I I didn't get anorexia.

SPEAKER_05 15:27

Did you get skinny?

SPEAKER_02 15:28

No. Oh I I try to. How do you try?

SPEAKER_05 15:31

How do you try to get an eating disorder?

SPEAKER_02 15:33

Well, you stop eating for a day and then you're like, actually, you know what? I just need to. It didn't take. So but other people were like, yep, relate. Definitely. I tried to.

SPEAKER_05 15:43

That's so interesting. Trying to have a uh a disorder.

SPEAKER_02 15:47

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 15:48

You have so many other ones. I'm shocked you had to like go hunting.

SPEAKER_02 15:52

I I know, I have so many other disorders. But no, like in middle school, don't worry about how old I am. The 90s heroin chic was like super in. It's in now, too. Yeah, it's back. Oh, it's painful. And then people would be like eat. This is this girl's horror story, but then it would be like her horror story with an eating disability and all these model-looking photos of her.

SPEAKER_05 16:12

Eating disability, fantastic, Frodi and Slick.

SPEAKER_02 16:14

Oh, yeah, eating disorders. No, I love it.

SPEAKER_05 16:16

But it would just be like I'm vegetarian, that's my eating disability.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

Yeah. It's wild.

SPEAKER_05 16:27

Well, I'm glad uh I'm glad you gave it a go.

unknown 16:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 16:31

Middle school's about exploring.

SPEAKER_02 16:33

Exactly. And I explored and I realized that's not for me.

SPEAKER_05 16:36

How do you think you're gonna be remembered on Earth?

SPEAKER_02 16:40

Great question. I think I'm going to be remembered, hopefully, as someone who benefited the people that I was around rather than hurt them. Also, my friend said, because I um not MC'd, uh where you do the wedding. You do the wedding.

SPEAKER_05 16:58

You I know what it is, but I like this moment of suffering.

SPEAKER_02 17:03

Where you do the vows officiate.

SPEAKER_05 17:05

Ah, damn it. Yes. That was less fun than I was. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 17:07

It was it I I I can figure out words pretty quickly for you.

SPEAKER_05 17:10

I you know what the person who interviews you about your book is called? An interlocutor. Which always That's what interlocutor is? Yeah, that probably how you say it. I didn't know that when I was emailing people to ask to do it when I by book came out, which we've now mentioned twice on this podcast.

SPEAKER_02 17:26

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_05 17:27

I used in-person conversation guest. Will you be my in-person conversation guest?

SPEAKER_02 17:34

You what about just guest?

SPEAKER_05 17:36

But you gotta tell them, hey, you gotta you gotta interview me without the book. But interlocutor.

SPEAKER_02 17:40

Okay, but officiant. Hey, I see that you interview people. Me? How about so you officiated a wedding? I officiated a wedding, and my friend uh beforehand, when describing me as an efficient to uh people in their circle, was like, this is Canise, uh close to me. Uh she is very honest, and uh if you if you wrong her, she will never forgive you. Oh, I remember what it was. So I did a show What? Vengeance. I did a show where your friend has to, it's like a dating show, and your friend has to like present things about you.

SPEAKER_05 18:26

Oh, pitch your friend.

SPEAKER_02 18:27

Pitch your friend for dating. And he made voice memos about me.

SPEAKER_05 18:31

I need uh every media publication on earth is covering that these are happening. It's like so dystopic and sad. I feel like there's a new date your friend pitch coming out. And I'm like, uh okay, we're all lonely and horny. Yeah. It's not like that surprising.

SPEAKER_02 18:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 18:49

Just go on dates.

SPEAKER_02 18:50

Hey, hey, some of us go on dates and are like, I actually would rather masturbate than have your naked body near me.

SPEAKER_05 18:56

Or we're gonna get to the confession, you confessing some sins later. And I feel like your dating life is going to be well represented in that. I've officiated for I feel like we're this is comedian to wedding officiant, is like a nice pipeline.

SPEAKER_02 19:10

You're good at talking in front of people, you're not gonna get nervous. You also know how to edit and you understand a time constraint. So get out there. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 19:18

Kanis, uh, this is good data. I have some moral dilemmas for you. Oh. Let's check this moral compass that you have and have had on earth and see how you fare. Did you just check the time? Do you have somewhere to be?

SPEAKER_01 19:33

I mean later.

SPEAKER_05 19:34

You are we're deciding the fate of your eternal soul right now. You're either going to heaven or hell at the end of this, and you're checking your watch.

SPEAKER_02 19:41

I I mean, I don't know what heaven's like.

SPEAKER_05 19:44

Your Apple Watch? You know, people kill themselves in the world.

SPEAKER_02 19:47

I got this Apple Watch for free because it used to belong to my brother-in-law, and he realized he never used it, and my sister wanted to compete against me in exercising. Oh, okay. And so I got it for free.

SPEAKER_05 19:57

If uh if murder was free, you'd take it? If there was a big box of pedophiles, it was for free on the box of pedophiles.

SPEAKER_02 20:04

Honestly, I would take a box of pedophiles so I could drown in a river. What?

SPEAKER_05 20:08

Wow. Drowning. You have one million dollars to do good with how you see fit. What are you gonna do with it?

SPEAKER_02 20:16

A million dollars today or a million dollars in the past? We're talking current inflation.

SPEAKER_05 20:20

I feel like you're just milking, buying yourself time. I hate it when people do that with a hypothetical. You're just buying, you're questioning the premise of the hypothetical in order to buy yourself time to think about it. And I'm also now giving you more time to think about it.

SPEAKER_02 20:33

Okay, if it was a million dollars in 1900, my answer would be very different than a million dollars right now.

SPEAKER_05 20:37

Why would it be 1900 right now?

SPEAKER_02 20:39

Because it's such a small amount, a million dollars.

SPEAKER_05 20:42

I wrote out all these zeros. That's your feedback?

SPEAKER_02 20:45

Only a million to do good in New York, a million is like two.

SPEAKER_05 20:50

You don't have to pay taxes on it. Oh, so that's your first thought. You're gonna get an apartment for yourself? I gotta be in a good mental state to do good.

SPEAKER_02 20:57

To do good. You're doing good for yourself?

SPEAKER_05 21:00

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 21:01

I'm just saying the cost of things. So if I wanted to put together a nonprofit, that would waste most of the million dollars, like incorporating getting distributors, all that.

SPEAKER_05 21:10

That's a nonprofit, too.

SPEAKER_02 21:11

So not starting a nonprofit, but working with an existing nonprofit makes sense. Oh wow. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 21:16

So a donor So you're just paying the salaries of other white-collar professionals.

SPEAKER_02 21:20

I would look on uh the GiveWell site or whatever and see which one had the greatest percentage of buzzword.

SPEAKER_05 21:27

What? What? What'd you say? Give well's a good buzzword.

SPEAKER_02 21:30

It's a good No, it's the name. Isn't that the name of the place where you can tell?

SPEAKER_05 21:34

It's a good uh dog whistle. How do you think that's to let people know what side is? Mr.

SPEAKER_02 21:39

Angel, no, I do I don't accept this because I would you haven't said mutual aid yet, and you're really missing I did say mutual aid at the beginning.

SPEAKER_05 21:46

Not exactly. Maybe you did run it back. When did you say it? We have the tapes.

SPEAKER_02 21:51

Okay, you said mutual aid, and then I said it. Footage not found.

SPEAKER_05 21:54

Can we put up a footage not found?

SPEAKER_02 21:58

Okay. Um you're back.

SPEAKER_05 22:00

Getting a nice two-bedroom in the West Village and you're starting a nonprofit.

SPEAKER_02 22:03

I would make sure that I had the ability to pay my rent for a couple years. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 22:07

Years.

SPEAKER_02 22:08

What am I supposed to do?

SPEAKER_05 22:10

And then what are you doing with your time?

SPEAKER_02 22:12

Uh with my time, I right now I do a lot of volunteering with New York cares. I would probably work directly with one of their partner organizations and then give their money to something that supports a cause that I care about. So either child education and well-being, uh healthcare, because that so easily bankrupts lots of people. And uh like there are the city's already doing this, so it may be working with the city, but making it so that young people can have jobs in different environments. So not just like this is the place I was born, let me only work in another place that re-instills the ideas of where I was born, but exposes me to lots of other places. Would you ever run for office? I absolutely well, no, I don't I don't want to do that. Um You're giving politician. I recognize that. And my thing, because the reason why I asked, uh, is this a million dollars now or a million dollars like in the year 1900s is because what I would do if it was in the 1900s is I would donate to candidates who made an enforceable, like in the way that other countries have uh mandatory military service, it would be mandatory community service wherein people had to do every month. If you live in the city of New York, you have to do two hours of volunteering. And based on your background, it can be volunteering, making websites for a ca coffee shop that doesn't have one or a bodega that doesn't have one. It could be cleaning the streets, it could be tutoring kids. But everyone has to be an active participant in making our community better.

SPEAKER_05 23:41

So it's the year 1900, and you're using the money to tell political candidates who are making people uh make websites in the year 1900.

SPEAKER_02 23:50

Okay, okay, maybe not make websites, but make signs.

SPEAKER_05 23:53

Signs! Websites of the past. Yes, exactly. Signs, flyers, newspapers, printing. One uh that's an interesting way to use the million dollars. I had something. Oh, healthcare, quick PSA, went to the City MD to get my throat checked, and I there I was like, Oh, you guys do STD tests here, STI tests? And they were like, Yeah, it's all included. So I get a suite of STI tests, everything comes back, and then I get a bill for over a thousand dollars.

SPEAKER_02 24:20

Yeah, and they're like, And another bill and another bill.

SPEAKER_05 24:22

And I'm like, no, that's I'm not paying this. It goes to Quest, it goes to collections. Now I just throw away the envelopes every month because in New York State they can't send medical debt to the credit card company. Really? So I think I found a loophole. Am I wrong? Maybe. Well, but also it's evil. That those are free everywhere. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:43

All the tests, why would that sinister? It's a sinister scam. I have gotten there.

SPEAKER_05 24:49

They're going to hell.

SPEAKER_02 24:50

If there's a hell for corporations, yes, City MD. And it's truly built to exploit working class people who don't have access to consistent care, who think, oh, I'll save money by just doing this when I need it. And they tell you nothing. The tests give you nothing. If you have anything that's actually wrong with you, they tell you to go to the hospital.

SPEAKER_05 25:09

It's the most annoying place in the world. It's but I do like being taken care of.

SPEAKER_02 25:14

Then that should be its own business. I'm gonna be honest.

SPEAKER_05 25:17

Oh, just come over and tell me I'm okay.

SPEAKER_02 25:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 25:20

I think it's called friendship.

SPEAKER_02 25:22

Well, something that you pay for. Uh, this is monetization, baby. But uh it's not just that, it's a place where you go where everyone says, You're doing a great job. And maybe there's like so maybe it's like a spa with like some therapy, with some like assistance for things.

SPEAKER_05 25:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 25:37

And like vitamins and stuff.

SPEAKER_05 25:38

I was talking to a friend and I said it'd be so nice if I could get all the people that love me into a room to tell me how much they care about me.

SPEAKER_02 25:44

It only happens when you die.

SPEAKER_05 25:45

Or an intervention.

SPEAKER_02 25:46

That's true. Do you have do you need to be intervened for any reason?

SPEAKER_05 25:51

No, I need to get a drug problem. So speaking of your funeral, Canise, it's actually happening live on Earth right now. And uh your sister is speaking, and we are we're gonna tap in and see what she has to say about you.

SPEAKER_02 26:01

I'm so interested in what she said because she did not tell me what she was gonna say.

SPEAKER_05 26:04

And I will flag that your sister is a identical child. My identical sister. So she will sound exactly like you.

SPEAKER_02 26:11

So don't think that I'm like putting on like a funny mustache and I'm like Mario Tawario or something. No, this is a separate person.

SPEAKER_05 26:19

All right, let's listen to Patrice's uh character witness.

SPEAKER_00 26:24

Canise Mowgli should go to heaven because she's kind, she's reliable, she's empathetic, and mostly because she will bring justice into those who are doing evil. Um, on several occasions I've seen her stick up for other people, and she also beat up someone on the bus after they punched me. So I'm saying Canise Mowgli is an in.

SPEAKER_05 26:48

Aww. How'd that make you feel?

SPEAKER_02 26:50

It made me feel good, and it I feel known and seen.

SPEAKER_05 26:53

Did she record that? Were you trapping her in some sort of acoustic room and holding her hostage?

SPEAKER_02 26:59

Uh, she probably recorded that in her home uh sometime this morning.

SPEAKER_05 27:03

Tell me about the beating.

SPEAKER_02 27:05

Oh, so on the bus.

SPEAKER_05 27:07

You attacked someone.

SPEAKER_02 27:07

I didn't attack someone, I'm gonna be able to get it. You defended someone someone. Uh I think me and my sister were singing because we often played Spice Girls on the bus. Um What year is this?

SPEAKER_05 27:16

1900? Yeah, 1900.

SPEAKER_02 27:18

Um and some dude who was like a few grades older than us was like, shut up. And we were like, we're having fun back here. You shut up. And then he was like, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna hit you. And then we didn't shut up because we were like, pfft, no. We didn't curse at the time. So I started to and I was like, I didn't curse until I was in middle school.

SPEAKER_05 27:34

But today you would have said fucking.

SPEAKER_02 27:35

Yeah, I would have been like, fuck you. Uh and then he hit my sister, and then I saw red, and I leaped across the bus and I just started punching that kid in the face. And I don't know how long I did that, but it must have been long enough for the bus driver to pull the bus over and then walk back to where I was and pull me off of that other child.

SPEAKER_05 27:53

And this is a good deed.

SPEAKER_02 27:54

That was a good deed, yes.

SPEAKER_05 27:55

This is a good deed. Because sometimes Did he raise a hand or he was just like, You guys need to be quiet? He didn't hurt anyone, did he?

SPEAKER_02 28:02

The bus driver or the man who hit my sister.

SPEAKER_05 28:05

Oh, I missed that part.

SPEAKER_02 28:06

Yeah, he hit her.

SPEAKER_05 28:07

That's not nice.

SPEAKER_02 28:08

Exactly. And so I was like, absolutely not.

SPEAKER_05 28:10

You really saw Red? Yes. Has that happened at another time in your life? No. Look at you. That's beautiful. You defended her. Well, and also it could have just as easily been you. Yes. You're identical. But I was like, How did he pick who to punch?

SPEAKER_02 28:23

I don't know. Maybe whoever's voice he found most annoying. I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 28:28

And did you what what was the fallout of this?

SPEAKER_02 28:30

I was suspended. It's the only time I was ever suspended for a while.

SPEAKER_05 28:33

For how long?

SPEAKER_02 28:33

Like a day.

SPEAKER_05 28:34

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 28:35

Not long.

SPEAKER_05 28:35

In school ISS or OSS?

SPEAKER_02 28:37

OSS.

SPEAKER_05 28:38

Wow. And you see him the next day? Or the day after the day?

SPEAKER_02 28:45

Probably. But he never said anything to me again.

SPEAKER_05 28:47

Where is he right now?

SPEAKER_02 28:48

I don't know. I like to think because there's growing up in the South, you see children do a lot of like racist, sexist things, and then later.

SPEAKER_05 28:59

Oh, is he a white boy?

SPEAKER_02 29:00

No, this guy was black.

SPEAKER_05 29:01

But um So was it racially motivated?

SPEAKER_02 29:04

Um no, I'm just saying like kids will do terrible things, and then later on Instagram, it's very funny to me, Instagram and Facebook. People would write, like, hey, I think it's so fucked up what's going on in this country right now. And you're like, we haven't spoken in 30 years. Like, why are you talking to me? But they won't they send it to you? They send it to me, like when especially when Black Lives Matter stuff was going on. Like a lot of people from my elementary school were like, Hey, I've been I've really been thinking about the way this country is going and it's not good. And I'm like, wow, I'm so happy you just got that.

SPEAKER_05 29:37

Were you were there a lot of black students in your school?

SPEAKER_02 29:39

There were some, but it was a mostly white school.

SPEAKER_05 29:41

Gotcha, gotcha.

SPEAKER_02 29:41

Like in elementary school, I'd say it was like sixty percent white, ten percent Hispanic, five percent Asian. So it was like moderately representative in my elementary school, but then I went to uh that was a magnet school, which got kids from all over the city. Then I went to a school that was more aligned with my neighborhood, which was predominantly white. And that's when it was like, what the fuck are you guys saying? Yeah. Like do you guys even recognize what you said?

SPEAKER_05 30:12

I would love to laugh at that person, but during Black Lives Matter, I definitely uh talked to my best friend who's black. I was like, are we still can we still be friends? Are we is this allowed? That was a while, there was a lot of white guilt.

SPEAKER_02 30:28

A lot of white guilt. And then white people, no offense, drop that real quick.

SPEAKER_05 30:32

Then take it. No, I still Oh, you want us to keep that level of guilt?

SPEAKER_02 30:36

I want you to keep some of it, but the fact that some people were like, okay, we atoned. We did a black square. Oh, yeah. We had a day. I marched once with my friend. It was a picnic and it was with all other white people, but we did something, damn it. And now you want me to feel guilty because my entire company is white and we've never even thought about hiring a black person? Oh, what do you want? What more do you want from us? That I'm really sorry to your sound editor, because that was all super loud.

SPEAKER_05 31:06

Don't apologize for your righteous rage.

SPEAKER_02 31:09

I suppose, but I I've recorded podcasts and I know that it can be.

SPEAKER_05 31:13

Oh, you get a little loud.

SPEAKER_02 31:14

Yeah, I get I get I get kind of loud. They have to constantly uh they gotta really stay on those levels. They gotta watch it.

SPEAKER_05 31:20

I will say, heaven, very we we we didn't we didn't even need Black Lives Matter because everything is uh was already equal up here.

SPEAKER_02 31:29

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_05 31:30

We already I don't wanna say I don't wanna say up here all that we're all but it's good.

SPEAKER_01 31:38

We're all what?

SPEAKER_05 31:39

We're all the the burdens on earth don't come here. We're all what are the burdens? All souls matter up here equally. We're all the trauma of what happened on earth you leave behind.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

Just ignore that.

SPEAKER_05 31:55

You're uh souls. Hey, souls don't discriminate against souls. Do don't they? Everybody here gets along, and we're we're doing I mean everybody we let in gets along.

unknown 32:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:07

I think the development of the soul is also the economic, racial, sexual, orientational, and national uh discrimination. I think that's part of how your soul and morality develops don't sorry.

SPEAKER_05 32:27

We let's get to the we gotta do the things you did wrong.

SPEAKER_02 32:30

Okay, yes, okay.

SPEAKER_05 32:30

We didn't. I know you're perfect. Your politics are perfect.

SPEAKER_02 32:34

They are, I mean, they they're like really good.

SPEAKER_05 32:35

The theory is perfect. I'm gonna be able to do that.

SPEAKER_02 32:37

I read those books for a reason.

SPEAKER_05 32:39

I read which one was it? Not so you want to talk about race. It was not white fragility.

SPEAKER_02 32:47

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_05 32:48

It's so hard to know what to do. I know. But then if you read it, you get made fun of for reading it.

SPEAKER_02 32:53

Yeah, you're supposed to have read it, but we don't want to see you actually reading it.

SPEAKER_05 32:57

If I can't perform it, then why am I doing it?

SPEAKER_02 33:00

Yeah, you just have to read it like to yourself in a corner. If I don't get credit for the inner work, yeah, you don't get credit for that work.

SPEAKER_05 33:07

It's time to get some of those sins off your chest. You have not lived a flawless life.

SPEAKER_02 33:11

Of course not.

SPEAKER_05 33:12

I've I did some digging into your past and I was shocked.

SPEAKER_02 33:15

I'm so fascinating. I'm not sure what you're doing.

SPEAKER_05 33:17

I have everything here, but I want you to confess it first.

SPEAKER_02 33:21

Because then it means Catholic trap.

SPEAKER_05 33:23

This means it means it's not gonna hurt you as much if you can't. We got guilt too. We're guilty. Um, just to list off some of the possible sins you may have committed. Uh murder.

SPEAKER_02 33:37

Okay, no.

SPEAKER_05 33:38

Adultery. I've never been married. Uh, or any sort of infidelity is.

SPEAKER_02 33:43

Even when I was in a relationship, like the only time I've been in a relationship longer than three months, uh, when a guy kissed me on my Harvard Invitational debate trip in high school, I called my boyfriend. In heaven.

SPEAKER_05 33:57

You called your boyfriend.

SPEAKER_02 33:58

I called my boyfriend and I said, We're broken up.

SPEAKER_05 34:00

And then After the kiss?

SPEAKER_02 34:02

Yeah, after the hiss. So you're at debate camp. Yeah, before other stuff.

SPEAKER_05 34:06

When did the kiss happen? On stage or back stage? No, no, no. In that person's hotel room. There's a hotel room for the debate.

SPEAKER_02 34:12

Yeah, well, we were we I'm not from Boston. We had to go up to Boston.

SPEAKER_05 34:15

So Harvard invites high school students to debate.

SPEAKER_02 34:18

They what?

SPEAKER_05 34:19

Harvard invites high school students to come and debate. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 34:22

It's a national tournament.

SPEAKER_05 34:23

And you are in a boy's hotel room. Yes. How many to a hotel room? Two. Two. And he smooches you? Yes. It's inter that's an interesting structure of that sentence. He kissed you.

SPEAKER_02 34:37

Oh, you but that's the way that you phrased it.

SPEAKER_05 34:39

I'm just saying it's interesting.

SPEAKER_02 34:40

Interesting.

SPEAKER_05 34:41

How did you phrase it?

SPEAKER_02 34:42

I said we said he kissed the kiss.

SPEAKER_05 34:45

The kiss. Oh, okay. Passive voice.

SPEAKER_02 34:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 34:48

Kisses were having.

SPEAKER_02 34:49

Kisses were known as a kiss. Kisses is then I called my boyfriend.

SPEAKER_05 34:53

Kisses? Tongue.

unknown 34:55

Tongue.

SPEAKER_02 34:56

I don't think there was tongue yet. I think it was like mild. And then I called my boyfriend and said we're breaking up. And then more stuff happened. So we're just No, it was like, you know, general stuff. I'm gonna need a visual.

SPEAKER_05 35:06

I'm gonna need a visual. I'm having a trouble.

SPEAKER_02 35:08

No, you got it. You got it. I just did some neck movements. You understood the workings.

SPEAKER_05 35:11

So you called him and broke up. But did you stay with this other boy?

SPEAKER_02 35:14

Yeah. For how long? Well, not like I stayed with him for the evening. What do you mean?

SPEAKER_05 35:20

Did you stay the night?

SPEAKER_02 35:21

No. I had to go back to my hotel room.

SPEAKER_05 35:24

But you broke up in order to not have to confess this to the boy? Yep. Wow. How did he take the breakup? Oh, it was really messy. And did have you confessed this to him since?

SPEAKER_02 35:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 35:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 35:36

And then he strongly encouraged us to have sex, thus taking my virginity, and then going to go see the Ben Affleck Daredevil movie. And it was weird. But I stayed with that guy for two more years after that.

SPEAKER_05 35:52

So you love a bad boy. I don't have problems. I don't love the sentence he strongly encouraged us to have sex.

SPEAKER_02 36:00

It was weird.

SPEAKER_05 36:01

Yeah, I'm sorry. That sounds I'm sorry. You deserved a great first time.

SPEAKER_02 36:05

I mean, it wasn't horrible. I was just like you're taking too long.

SPEAKER_05 36:10

Oh. It wasn't. I thought it was coercive.

SPEAKER_02 36:14

But you're just like, You're just like wrap it up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 36:20

You know what I heard recently? What? That women pretend to come so that it stops.

SPEAKER_02 36:24

All the time.

SPEAKER_05 36:25

I didn't realize that was why.

SPEAKER_02 36:26

Yeah, it's not like, oh, that way they finish and then you're like, well, I can get back to my day.

SPEAKER_05 36:33

We gotta go see Daredevil.

SPEAKER_02 36:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 36:38

You lost your virginity and then went and watched Daredevils.

SPEAKER_02 36:41

Yeah, it was a bad movie.

SPEAKER_05 36:42

I, after I lost mine, went to Denny's and had a hot fudge Sunday. And so now I can't have a hot fudge Sunday without crying or climaxing. Same, same. Same, same. Adulterer. Wow. Stealing. We've all stolen here and there and everywhere. What's the biggest thing you've stolen?

SPEAKER_02 37:04

So I really don't steal because my mom taught me that as a black child in the South, if you steal anything, you will be placed underneath the jail. So I'm very much so like they'll know. Like I will bring up all four of these avocados. I don't care. I just I can't go to prison. So I'm like, I don't steal.

SPEAKER_05 37:24

I've never like- Does that stay with you to today? Yes. You're just like, I'm paying for every avocado.

SPEAKER_02 37:28

Every avocado. I I I'm like, I'm genuinely trying. Like, it is hard for me to think of like something that I took that I should not have taken. Even the things that I've taken where it was like on the fence, it was like I used to work at Comedy Central. They said when they moved offices, hey.

SPEAKER_05 37:44

What's what's Comedy Central?

SPEAKER_02 37:45

I'm gonna push you down a well.

SPEAKER_05 37:46

Um I'm unfamiliar with that. It doesn't exist anymore.

SPEAKER_02 37:49

Yeah, it's gone. Um, it's the place where they rerun the office in Key and Peel.

SPEAKER_05 37:53

Oh, I love those sketches. I watch them and I learn.

SPEAKER_02 37:58

Yeah, in heaven. Listen. It's nice to know that there's TV and internet access to the show.

SPEAKER_05 38:02

It's just it's just Key and Peel and Chappelle Show.

SPEAKER_02 38:05

Are we still feeling good about Chappelle show? The sketches hold up. They do hold up. I was just like him as a person. We're like, I was like, are we still?

SPEAKER_05 38:11

Well, where I'm why yeah, I don't think does he get residuals from that? We have him on VHS.

SPEAKER_02 38:16

Okay, well then no, he doesn't. And but oh uh they I was working there. They said we're moving offices. Anything that's left, you guys can just take it.

SPEAKER_05 38:28

Staplers.

SPEAKER_02 38:28

I didn't take staplers. I took four lamps, I took 13 frames off the walls.

SPEAKER_05 38:35

Your home must be so full.

SPEAKER_02 38:37

It's got a lot of nice stuff. You've been to my house.

SPEAKER_05 38:39

So you take free things.

SPEAKER_02 38:41

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 38:41

But pay for what you I will also say I grew up in the south as well. Never had an had an avocado till 18. So I didn't have to take a look at the same. I didn't have an avocado until 18.

SPEAKER_02 38:49

I'm talking about avocados. Like, I didn't have an avocado- I oh I had something that they said it was guacamole, but when I think back on it, I'm like, I don't think it was guacamole. I think they just put green food dye. Pudding something. It was like, imagine sour cream, but just like less interesting flavor-wise.

SPEAKER_05 39:04

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 39:05

And it was like, this is I think this is garbage.

SPEAKER_05 39:08

I am remembering though that I don't trust your palate because when we went to a party once, you made us stop to go get some weird chips at a bodega.

SPEAKER_01 39:16

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 39:18

You're like, I have to try new weird chips and bring them. I have to bring something. I'm like, I have wine from both of us. I have to bring something.

SPEAKER_02 39:25

I did have to bring something because I was like, it was like a weird flavor. I just grabbed a flavor.

SPEAKER_05 39:30

It felt premeditated.

SPEAKER_02 39:32

Okay. But if I'm going to someone's house, I like to come with uh usually a food item. And when I drank, I would bring alcohol, but now I would bring like a food item.

SPEAKER_05 39:42

I have gotten in a bad habit of showing up empty-handed and feeling like my presence is my gift. And I sometimes even like announce that. Like, I'm not bringing anything. Don't don't do that. Well, because when you ask, like, can I bring anything? and they take you up on it, it's literally the worst thing in the world.

SPEAKER_02 39:57

It's like contributing to the person who's hosting you.

SPEAKER_05 39:59

If you're hosting, you sign up to do the full thing. No. It's when you host a party, it's like, hey, I'm hosting a party. If everyone else, if you could. Can he can he can you bring anything? Yeah, can you figure out a venue for the party? It's not a venue. It's a conversation. Could you bring a couple fun conversation topics?

SPEAKER_02 40:15

You automatically, everyone has to bring fun parties.

SPEAKER_05 40:17

At this age, it's not a potluck anymore.

SPEAKER_02 40:19

It is a potluck.

SPEAKER_05 40:20

If you're we live in New York, and we are comedians. If the host is wealthy, I'm not bringing it.

SPEAKER_02 40:27

Are you only going to wealthy people's parties? Yes. Well, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_05 40:30

I'm not going to the poor potluck.

SPEAKER_02 40:31

Yeah, I'm going to the poor party. No. I'm hosting the poor's party. And if you come to my house and you don't bring a goddamn thing, I will judge you forever.

SPEAKER_05 40:38

There are people who usually Uts pretzels, you're gonna be like Zach's in. But if I don't bring anything else.

SPEAKER_02 40:44

Yeah, honestly, because Uts, I'll throw them in a bowl. And you know what? People will fucking eat Uts because that's a good quality potato.

SPEAKER_05 40:49

And why don't you just potato set up a little oh business idea? Don't know why I'm giving this to you. We're both dead. Set up, you know, set up, you know how they do hot dogs at the baseball stadium?

SPEAKER_02 41:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 41:01

Set that up outside the party.

SPEAKER_02 41:03

And then people have people buy it and then bring it in.

SPEAKER_05 41:04

Yeah, like hey, if you forgot anything, you have wine. You just set up a little kiosk outside of the party, a mobile kiosk, and you or a vending machine, and then people can get stuff for the last time.

SPEAKER_02 41:15

Then you have to have a vending machine. Like, that's what Venmo is for. Like there are some of the things that we're gonna do.

SPEAKER_05 41:19

Yeah, the host of the party should get the things in advance for the party.

SPEAKER_02 41:23

No. I have I think the only times I've not brought something is I texted the person, hey, I'm coming. I can't, like, I'm not bringing anything. Like, what's your Venmo? And then I'll Venmo them like $10.

SPEAKER_05 41:36

They I hope they said, Don't worry about it.

SPEAKER_02 41:38

No, I said I'm going to give you $10. Oh, you're weird like that. Because to me, it is so rude to go to someone's home empty-handed. That to me is like the height of rudeness. And if so that that is why people aren't getting invites, like some people are like, I think I used to be invited to Kenise's house, but I haven't been invited in a while. Well, because you didn't bring anything. Wow. Because you come here and you eat and you eat a bunch of shit and yet you don't bring anything. Bitch, I don't know who you thought I was.

SPEAKER_05 42:03

I'm really passionate about this.

SPEAKER_02 42:04

I just I'm not a rich lady. I've got a one-bedroom.

SPEAKER_05 42:07

When someone else is hosting something, you don't show up empty-handed.

SPEAKER_02 42:11

Not either you either get money or you get an item of food.

SPEAKER_05 42:17

Where's my thing?

SPEAKER_02 42:19

I'm the guest on a podcast.

SPEAKER_05 42:21

Yeah. I'm hosting a party and you brought nothing.

SPEAKER_02 42:25

No, I'm providing you with content and you're not paying me.

SPEAKER_05 42:29

I haven't said if I was gonna pay you.

SPEAKER_02 42:32

Okay. My presence is my gift of me coming into Manhattan to do this podcast and then rushing home. I'm not charging you.

SPEAKER_05 42:40

We're gonna this is a nice place.

SPEAKER_02 42:42

Yeah, that you chose. This is on you. And you were like, oh, maybe I should have gotten you a coffee. What most other podcasts to get? Like, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_05 42:50

You're upset that I caught you in your hypocrisy that you literally showed up empty-handed to.

SPEAKER_02 42:56

Wow, a podcast recording that I'm doing for free. Look at this. Look at that. Oh, for free. That you did not do for me. I drap the person who works on this podcast.

SPEAKER_05 43:04

She has a name.

SPEAKER_02 43:06

I'm sorry, I forgot it.

SPEAKER_05 43:07

Wow. Hateful. Hateful.

SPEAKER_02 43:10

It's not hate. Hateful? This is hate. Hateful. I had a stroke. I get to make the excuse. Can't believe it. My brain is. Oh no, my poor brain. Oh no. And I couldn't remember your name. I'm sorry. I've only heard it like one time. I was waiting for when your stroke was gonna come up.

SPEAKER_05 43:25

Wow. You really how often, how in what ways have you used your stroke to get away with things?

SPEAKER_02 43:31

Get away with things?

SPEAKER_05 43:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:32

Uh I mean, I had a brain injury significant. Yes. And I do say, hey, sometimes the symptoms of that are that I'm not gonna remember a detail. I'm sorry, I'm not gonna remember it. I'll try. I'm so jealous. I'll write it down. I'm so jealous. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 43:46

What a cat.

SPEAKER_02 43:47

I hope you can have a stroke too.

SPEAKER_05 43:49

Yeah, I had a stroke, and um and now sometimes I'm just like a big old bitch.

SPEAKER_02 43:54

But I don't mean sometimes I don't bring things to parties. I brought my issue. I brought wine to that party. Oh, I forgot to bring so yes, you did bring wine to that party, which implies that you bring things. I'm a good judy. Because you know that that's what being a good judy. I don't want to show up.

SPEAKER_05 44:10

I don't want to actively but if you're a good Judy and close, close friend, I know I can get away with not bringing something.

SPEAKER_02 44:16

If you are a close, close friend, but that's often because you've brought things in the past. You've established a relationship.

SPEAKER_05 44:22

Now that's maybe you bring two things the first time.

SPEAKER_02 44:25

Yeah, and then you never bring anything again because they're like, oh, we have to invite Zach. He comes with the chips.

SPEAKER_05 44:30

So you're just you're just using your guests to bring you things. You're a king. You're a queen.

SPEAKER_02 44:36

No, no, no, no, no. You're not hosting a party. They are bringing the things that are eaten at the party.

SPEAKER_05 44:41

There's leftovers and you know it.

SPEAKER_02 44:43

Sometimes there's leftovers, but the most recent time.

SPEAKER_05 44:45

Often leftovers.

SPEAKER_02 44:46

The most recent time, they came over. They all ordered like we all ordered.

SPEAKER_05 44:51

When was this and why wasn't I invited?

SPEAKER_02 44:52

Because it was a girls' night, and we were watching uh lifetime with Haley Duff.

SPEAKER_05 44:58

I don't enjoy Haley's oeuvre. Do you? I she's Hillary's sister, yes. Yes. Why wouldn't I have enjoyed that?

SPEAKER_02 45:04

It was really bad acting, and we were all getting high, so that sounds like a great time. We and we all ate Thai food from my favorite Thai place, and I ordered an Uber Eats Order. No, not that one. Oh.

SPEAKER_05 45:17

Mews.

SPEAKER_02 45:18

Oh. It's very good. Try it.

SPEAKER_05 45:20

And you're on track to go to hell, so maybe we shouldn't be talking about your favorite Thai dish. Whatever.

SPEAKER_02 45:26

I would maybe Hey, I think they have Thai food in hell.

SPEAKER_05 45:29

Um It's spicy.

SPEAKER_02 45:32

Yeah, which means I might not be able to eat it.

SPEAKER_05 45:34

What is your top?

SPEAKER_02 45:35

I did an Uber uh Eats order, although I don't like to use Uber.

SPEAKER_05 45:39

But you used it. As long as you felt bad about it.

SPEAKER_02 45:41

How do you feel guilty? Uh but I paid for the tax and the delivery on it, and they paid for their individual meals, and then they took their leftovers home. And I have takeaway containers so that if there are things left over, because I don't want a bunch of sweets in my house after a party or something like that. I'm like, take these out of here, or else I will eat myself into a diabetic coma.

SPEAKER_05 46:01

I thought you didn't have an eating disability.

SPEAKER_02 46:04

If it's a I can't have I made a cake, I put half of it in the freezer so that I can't just eat it.

SPEAKER_05 46:11

I did that the other night, and then I just had a frozen cake? Some real cold cake. That stuff's gotta go in the trash with Windex. It's time for the lightning round. Okay. Now we have to see if you Are you crying?

SPEAKER_02 46:26

You know my eyes water all the time.

SPEAKER_05 46:29

Do they? Just uh it's it's cold up here in heaven, so it's cold outside, and Canise showed up and had full-on tears dripping down her face. The wind hits my eyeballs and they're just like then she said, because there's sodium in tears, I'm gonna have white streaks on my face. And I had to ask Do black people get white streaks on their face from tears?

SPEAKER_02 46:50

And if they're darker than the tears.

SPEAKER_05 46:52

Can you not feel the tear? I why would you not wipe a tear away?

SPEAKER_02 46:55

Because my hands are cold and they're in my pocket. You suffer so much. I do. I get so cold and I'm walking around town and I have all these bags, and so I have to carry the bags and keep my hands warm.

SPEAKER_05 47:06

And then sometimes Don't bring things to the parties. You gotta you're bringing all the things.

SPEAKER_02 47:10

Well, this is I was grocery shopping yesterday. Oh. I've been using Amazon.

SPEAKER_05 47:16

Send these things to Heaven or Hell, Canise.

SPEAKER_02 47:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 47:19

Sam Altman, CEO of OpenAI. Hell. The Iran War.

SPEAKER_02 47:23

Hell.

SPEAKER_05 47:24

Hardcover books.

SPEAKER_02 47:28

That's a tough one because I think that they you make more on a hardcover book, yes, as an author.

SPEAKER_05 47:34

It's expensive.

SPEAKER_02 47:35

It's expensive to do. It seems like a labor-insive and uh resource intensive product, which makes me concerned. But they do look damn good in a house. And I hear they last a long time. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 47:49

Paperback books.

unknown 47:50

Fuck.

SPEAKER_02 47:52

I hear they're cutting that down. So um hell, because they're cutting that out because it's actually hardcovers go to heaven.

SPEAKER_05 47:58

Uh memoirs about polyamory. Hell. Donald Trump impersonations. Hell. Tuesdays. Heaven. Thursdays. Heaven. Doing laundry. Heaven. Blueberries. Hell. Strawberries.

SPEAKER_02 48:14

Heaven.

SPEAKER_05 48:14

Bananas.

SPEAKER_02 48:15

Heaven.

SPEAKER_05 48:16

Stand-up comedians.

SPEAKER_02 48:17

Oh, it's split down the middle. That's an even split, baby.

SPEAKER_05 48:21

Gen Z.

SPEAKER_02 48:23

They're more conservative, so no offense, Hell.

SPEAKER_05 48:25

Gen Alpha.

SPEAKER_02 48:28

A third thing.

SPEAKER_05 48:29

They're babies.

SPEAKER_02 48:30

I know, I know, I know some Gen Alpha people, and their brains are like on some other shit, so I think that they may do a third thing.

SPEAKER_05 48:38

Peptides.

SPEAKER_02 48:40

Like the ones that we need to process for living?

SPEAKER_05 48:42

Oh wow, you're not up to date on what's being injected into bodies across the body.

SPEAKER_02 48:47

Peptides are bad now? It's up to you.

SPEAKER_05 48:51

Heaven or hell.

SPEAKER_02 48:52

I don't know enough about it.

SPEAKER_05 48:53

We can end the round and talk about it, but send it to heaven or hell. Heaven or hell?

SPEAKER_01 48:58

Uh hell.

SPEAKER_05 48:59

Peptides, GLP one's a peptide.

SPEAKER_01 49:02

Oh, that's a peptide?

SPEAKER_05 49:02

They're in the body naturally, but then people have been making little compounds you can inject yourself and it's a drug revolution. That's what that is? But it's unlicensed.

SPEAKER_02 49:09

Is that the P and GLP?

SPEAKER_05 49:11

That's the P and they put the P in GLP.

SPEAKER_02 49:13

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 49:13

You know what I thought GLP1 stood for?

SPEAKER_02 49:15

What?

SPEAKER_05 49:15

God, let me poop once. My God, I've never been that constipated.

SPEAKER_02 49:19

You took them and you were constipated?

SPEAKER_05 49:20

Yeah. Took them.

SPEAKER_02 49:22

You're selling them?

SPEAKER_05 49:23

I inject yeah, you inject them.

SPEAKER_02 49:24

Oh, okay. They're selling them as pills now.

SPEAKER_05 49:27

Oh, I tried the pills. They're made up.

SPEAKER_02 49:28

Uh.

SPEAKER_05 49:29

Jacked by June. Fit by 40.

SPEAKER_02 49:32

Pennies. Welcome to 40. I turned 40 this year.

SPEAKER_04 49:35

Happy birthday.

SPEAKER_02 49:37

And death day of the news.

SPEAKER_04 49:38

I wasn't invited to your party.

SPEAKER_02 49:39

You absolutely were at my party and you were on stage.

SPEAKER_05 49:43

Oh, wow. A combination birthday show party. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:46

I'm a jerk.

SPEAKER_05 49:49

Anything to get in there?

SPEAKER_02 49:50

I think I can force my I can. Yeah. Let me fill some seeds by the guilt of my friends.

SPEAKER_05 49:55

Um, if you, this time for your Scrooge moment, this is your last chance. Okay. If we were to send you back, are you familiar with the Christmas Carol? Evan East of Scrooge? Yes.

SPEAKER_02 50:03

The Muppet Christmas Carol is my most frequent viewing of that.

SPEAKER_05 50:07

If you had a Scrooge moment now and if we sent you back to Earth, you didn't actually die when you fell from the Michael P. Jordan, Michael B. Jordan Bush. Yeah, what would you change?

SPEAKER_02 50:16

How are you going to change how you're uh do is it like a Jesus thing where the my presence indicates that I have some advanced knowledge?

SPEAKER_05 50:23

You're buying yourself time. I'm not. I've been. Questioning the hypothetical.

SPEAKER_02 50:27

No, the uh the hypothetical.

SPEAKER_05 50:29

I want to get you into heaven.

SPEAKER_02 50:30

Okay, I hear you. But if people are granting my what I'm saying with more power than they're granting it now, no one listens to me now. But if I died and then come back from the dead and people were like, oh, it's a miracle, let's listen to what she has to say, then I'd be like, hey.

SPEAKER_05 50:45

So you're not changing the way you're living. You're gonna preach more to other people.

SPEAKER_02 50:50

Yes! If I came back from the dead, I'd be like, obviously, I was brought back to tell you all to stop letting these people be billionaires, put them in chains, uh, dismantle their properties, disseminate them amongst the people, and anyone who's trying to become a billionaire uh either can work for the betterment of humankind or meet the guillotine. One of the two.

SPEAKER_04 51:12

Meet the how'd you say it?

SPEAKER_02 51:15

Meet the guillotine. Say it again. You heard me. Guillotine?

SPEAKER_05 51:19

That's what I said. Like a fish's gills? The L's are silent, I think.

SPEAKER_01 51:25

How do you say it?

SPEAKER_05 51:26

Guillotine.

unknown 51:27

Shit.

SPEAKER_01 51:28

Guillotine. Guillotine. I took French.

SPEAKER_05 51:32

I love I love the idea of you having an audience in a fervor. You are leading the next revolution. Second coming of Christ.

SPEAKER_02 51:41

We gotta we gotta go to the guillotine! And then they say, never mind, actually, we like the system that we have now. We're not gonna get rid of any billionaire.

SPEAKER_05 51:53

Can't trust you.

SPEAKER_02 51:54

Yeah, you said guillotine instead of guillotine.

SPEAKER_05 51:58

It's okay. I thought melancholy was pronounced melancholy for a very long time.

SPEAKER_02 52:02

That actually does make me feel better. Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 52:04

Good.

SPEAKER_02 52:04

I even though it was a movie, even though you heard people talk about the movie?

SPEAKER_05 52:07

Melancholia?

SPEAKER_02 52:08

Melancholia.

SPEAKER_05 52:09

This was before then. Oh, okay. The year was 1900.

SPEAKER_02 52:12

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_05 52:13

Kennis, we've got all the data that we need. Time to send this up to God. And see what he has. Is something funny?

SPEAKER_02 52:22

Um, I you're right, God would just exist in the ether generally. I used to have dreams about God, so what up, God? Nice to see you again.

SPEAKER_05 52:31

He's not here yet. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 52:33

I just meant that in general. Because he or they can hear all, see all.

SPEAKER_05 52:37

Okay, you've read some of the book. Oh, it's coming in. I'm getting getting the report. Oh, thanks.

SPEAKER_02 52:45

That pitch arm on God.

SPEAKER_05 52:48

Kennis. The verdict is in. You appre you've reduced harm on earth. You've preached the gospel. But there have been moments when you didn't live it. That kiss at Harvard. The guilt you feel from not stealing rather than not steal you don't steal, but not because of for goodness.

SPEAKER_02 53:12

From a place of fear, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 53:14

From a place of fear. You sent uh hardcover books to heaven and paperback books to hell and sent blueberries to hell. The most beloved of all berries.

SPEAKER_02 53:26

Are they? I think strawberries are the most beloved of all berries.

SPEAKER_05 53:30

But at the end of the day, it seems like you have more opinions about how the world is wrong rather than taking personal accountability.

SPEAKER_02 53:37

Oh, interesting.

SPEAKER_05 53:39

And so you have been this has never happened before. You're being sent back to Earth to live some more time.

SPEAKER_02 53:47

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 53:47

Uh and now that you know how to pronounce guillotine, we'll be watching. Thank you. Then to see it sounds like we might meet back here in one year's time to see what you can do with your extra year on life.

SPEAKER_02 54:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 54:00

Similar to how when you had a stroke and you had a second lease on life. This is a third lease on life.

SPEAKER_02 54:04

Third lease. Third lease. Third time's a term, baby.

SPEAKER_05 54:06

How do you feel about that?

SPEAKER_02 54:07

I feel good. A year means I gotta convince a lot of people of a lot of things, but let's go. Let's do it.

SPEAKER_05 54:13

Let's let's now that you say curse words, fucking go. Let's fucking go. Fucking go. Thanks for enjoying Judgment Day and our incredible guest, Kennise Mobley. Follow her on Instagram and TikTok, HotGuy Draft, founder and creator. And if you like Judgment Day, share it with a friend. Like, comment, subscribe. Let us know who we should have in the Heaven Hot Seat next. I'm Zach Zimmerman. And as always, have your pets spayed and neutered. Goodbye, everybody.