Judgment Day

Brandon Ash-Mohammed is Anxiously Angelic

• Zach Zimmerman • Season 1 • Episode 3

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Third episode is the charm, baby! Stand-up comedian and our first CANADIAN Brandon Ash-Mohammed arrives in Heaven to defend his life on earth.

Are you a good person? Have you lived a good life? It's too late! You're in the Heaven Hot Seat on Judgment Day with Zach Zimmerman. Tune in every week to hear comedians and cool people defend their choices with eternal consequences.

Ex-evangelical Zach Zimmerman hosts. :)

If you're a fan of comedy podcasts, maybe you'll be a fan of this one!

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Email your moral dilemmas to:

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SPEAKER_08

How do you feel about our interior design?

SPEAKER_06

Notice you're appreciating the clouds. You fit in nice here. Yeah. You guys got cotton. It's really soft. It's weird. It's weird. Why are you picking at it? So weird. I didn't say it. You said it.

SPEAKER_02

I jumped one other verb.

SPEAKER_06

That's sort of okay. Glad I'm already in heaven. Well, I guess I'm automatically in heaven now.

SPEAKER_01

Now you have died and gone to heaven. You'll be interviewed by an entry level.

SPEAKER_06

Welcome to Judgment Day. I'm Zach Zimmerman, former comedian, current angel. I've been asked by God to audit some of the new souls that have arrived, like Brandon Ash Mohammed. Oh my God. Star of Stand Up. Writing credits include Canada's Drag Race, appearances on heated rivalry. Yes, that one. And the hearts and minds of Canadians across Canada. Brandon Ash Mohammed, welcome to heaven. Thank you for having me. It's an honor, truly.

SPEAKER_05

Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here.

SPEAKER_06

You um would you like to know how you died? I would like to know. You write for Canada's Drag Race, and unfortunately, well I'm the head writer.

SPEAKER_08

I I thought about this actually. I thought about asking you before. I don't want to get that wrong.

SPEAKER_06

Yes. And headwriter. Well, life's not all about your your accomplishments. Up here, it's the content of your character that will matter. Head writer of Canada's Drag Race. You were goofing around on set. Oh no. And a death drop turned into you dropping to your desk.

SPEAKER_07

Oh no. And now you're not.

SPEAKER_06

That's actually all basically almost happened to me on set. Wait, really? Yeah. Being a little too silly. No, because what they do, what they used to do is there's like a prep week, and to remind everyone how to shoot the lip syncs, they'll have the crew kind of do test lip synks. So one season. You were a tester. Yeah. So one season I was like, I'll do it.

SPEAKER_05

And I was against um my friend Spencer. And Spencer was doing all these tricks, and I was like, Oh, you want to see tricks? Watch this. So I was death dropping. I was jumping into the splits. I remember I went like this, and I like like the viewers at home, if you guys can see, it was like uh oh yeah.

SPEAKER_06

For for the listeners, and I I like fingers are being broken.

SPEAKER_05

I remember hearing a pop. And I was like, uh oh, what the hell happened?

SPEAKER_06

What's going on?

SPEAKER_04

I'm very good scared. And then I couldn't walk. And ever since then, whenever I walk. No, I like hurt to walk.

SPEAKER_06

And then whenever I would like flex the leg, I would hear like they say aging is the day is up until the injury and after the injury. It's not an age. And that was your injury. That was my injury. Yes. Well, I mean, I even got like this was last year. It was like two years after it happened. I w I went to like the sports doctor. Drake goes to him. You went to Drake's sports doctor. I went to Drake's and a bunch of people in the NHL. Okay. Canada healthcare system. I went to him. Do you get to pick which celebrity you want? Like, I'd like Justin Trudeau's. No, it was like my doctor was like, oh, well, I know this guy. I'm friends with him. Go to him. He's a he's really good. And then he let me go there, and I had to go. I went all the way there. And then not all the way. Yeah, it was like You had to go all the way there. Super far. You couldn't just go there, you had to go all the way there.

SPEAKER_04

No, because it's like you don't understand. It's like all like the people at home know in Toronto.

SPEAKER_06

You're connecting too much with them and not enough with me. Yes. Well, it's in heaven. Speaking of coming all the way there, now you're in heaven with me. Do you belong here? 60 seconds on the clock. I think so. I think I do.

SPEAKER_05

I think I really do. I think I've done enough stuff. I think I have a good heart. I think, you know, I believe the children are the future.

SPEAKER_06

And, you know, I believe I've taught them well and showed them how to lead the way. Show them how to lead the way. Uh-huh. Yeah. That's all? Yeah. Full defense.

SPEAKER_08

Yeah. Does anyone not believe the children are the children are future is just how time works. I don't know.

SPEAKER_06

Like old people aren't our future. They die. Are you not a child? Um, I've always said I'm an old soul, but I do have the emotional maturity of uh six-year-old six-year-old, I think.

SPEAKER_07

I like that about you.

SPEAKER_06

Stop! Buttering me up will work. Yeah. Brandon, um, I need to fill out these forms. Uh, some good deeds that you did on Earth. Does anything come to mind like the best thing you ever did in your entire life while you on Earth? I've ever done. I once saved someone from a car accident.

SPEAKER_02

What?

SPEAKER_06

Yes.

SPEAKER_05

You saved a life. I've saved, I've saved many lives.

SPEAKER_06

Okay, the Frey. I don't know if the Frey made it up to Canada, but they have a song called How to Save a Life.

SPEAKER_05

Step one patrol.

SPEAKER_06

Say you need to talk. I have to be careful. I'll do it exactly right, and then we'll get flagged by YouTube. Yeah, you gotta do it without the melody.

SPEAKER_04

Well covered do the words.

SPEAKER_08

Say you need to talk. Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend.

unknown

No.

SPEAKER_06

Somewhere along in the bitterness, and you saved a life. Set the scene. Okay, so Did you cause the accident?

SPEAKER_08

No, I didn't. I didn't know how to drive.

SPEAKER_06

I don't know how to drive. Um, it was, I would say it was 2010.

SPEAKER_05

I was All the way back then. Yeah, I was walking my dog late at night, and then there was this woman. I would describe her as she looked and sounded like and exactly like Nene Leaks, star of Real Housewives of Atlanta, Neene Leaks.

SPEAKER_06

Yes. And she was in a Mini Cooper with her husband. I think she's the one housewife I know. No. She was in the the she was in the cheated out.

SPEAKER_02

She's like, you don't watch Real Housewives because I'm talking.

SPEAKER_04

She was in the Mini Cooper with her husband, and all the like windows were like crashed up. There was glass everywhere, and she was screaming and crying, and she was like, Someone help me, someone help me, someone help.

SPEAKER_06

And nobody was doing nothing. And then I was like, no, not this lady.

unknown

Not this.

SPEAKER_06

You didn't recognize her as the the star she was. I don't think it was actually her. It wasn't Nini LinkedIn.

SPEAKER_04

I was like, not I was like, not this lady. Um so essentially what happened was I was like, what happened? And she was like, a truck hit the car and then drove off.

SPEAKER_05

And I called the police and the ambulance. This is in Canada. Yes. And then they came and they helped her and they tried to track down the car.

SPEAKER_04

And I actually don't know what happened, but You know, she made a full recovery.

SPEAKER_06

You saved her life.

SPEAKER_05

She's fine. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

Are you best friends and you have dinner with her once? I have no idea who she is. If you're out there, Nene. Whatever. Nene look alike. Canadian Nene Leaks. You pulled her from the car or you just gave her a little attention. I like I didn't pull her from the car, but she was asking for help, and I helped. Where's the life saving happening? Well, she was scared. Okay. And the the truck had hit the car. You calmed down a scary. I called the police. I called the police. Okay. And what did you think in the United States? I do. I uh disdefuncted. Okay, what about this? What about this? What about this? What about this?

SPEAKER_04

What about this?

SPEAKER_06

There's been multiple times where I've been walking and there's been someone passed out on the side of the street. Okay. And I have called the ambulance for them. You call the ambulance for them. I've called the ambulance. I've tried to talk to them. So that's me saving a life. Excuse me, can we get a cleanup on Washington Street? I don't know. I don't think we have a Washington Street. I think this is on Weston Road. Oh, that makes sense. Y'all don't like our presidents. I mean, we've we've liked we liked all of the other ones. Do you have main streets? Yeah, we have like we have like a main street somewhere. Do you have streets named after your great leaders? I think so. Who's your George Washington? Who is the first Canadian president? What's his name? John A. McDonald? Wow. That was our first prime minister. I feel like I'm in a dream. John A. McDonald. That's just like a made-up name to me. Johnny McDonald. I think he's on. I think I have some Canadian money. Are you gonna pull out a picture of him? Well, you kind of are. Yeah. This I feel like I'm in Monopoly Land. I think this is him. They say you can't bring it with you. This is him. But Brandon brought it.

SPEAKER_05

This is John A. McDonald. This is Mr. John A. Everybody, our first John Mr. A. McDonald. John A. McDonald.

SPEAKER_08

He looks like. He looks like he could have done something here also.

SPEAKER_04

So Canada used to have a different capital, Kingston.

SPEAKER_06

And then they changed it. But he used to live in Kingston, Ontario. And then it's a tourist destination. This is also John A. McDonald. Okay. Did you just show us two different families? His mother. Oh. The Queen. Who is she? Miss Elizabeth. Y'all do hurt them? Yeah, we love her. The royal family is on your own. Yeah, because we're we used to be a uh part of the monarchy. We can't turn this into a Canada. We used to be part of the monarchy, I feel like everything devolves into a Canadian history lesson. What's wrong? What's wrong with that? You used to be one. I used to be a Canadian? No, y'all used to be part of it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and then y'all tried to go solo. We launched our solo career. And how's it going now? We're the Beyoncé. How's it going now? Well Beyoncé on crack. We're we the whole world's in a moment. You can't really just blame the U.S. here. History is cyclical. No. Alright, so you've saved a couple lives. This is good.

SPEAKER_08

You'd be the first Canadian to get in up here.

SPEAKER_06

I don't know if you know that. We've never let a Canadian into heaven. Into heaven.

SPEAKER_05

Damn.

SPEAKER_06

Um you you've had a number of successes. Have you bought your mom a house yet? No. I've done a lot of stuff for my grandmother.

SPEAKER_04

I've paid the property tax. Really?

SPEAKER_06

Yeah. That's sweet of you. Yeah. Because she kind of her and grandpa kind of raised you. Basically. Can I make that up? Yeah. Although I have given my mom money. I give her $500 the other day.

SPEAKER_04

She said that she never got it. And then I checked the bank records and I was like, you got it. And my grandmother's just like.

SPEAKER_06

How'd you send it to her?

SPEAKER_04

We don't have like Venmo or anything like that. Um it's called e-transfer. So I just e-transferred it to her.

SPEAKER_08

And $500 Canadian dollars, that's worth like three US dollars? No, it's four four US dollars?

SPEAKER_04

No, probably $350. Basically girl, shut up. If this was 2012, we would be we had we we were hired then y'all. Y'all were cooking then?

SPEAKER_06

Yeah, we were cooking in 2012. I remember when I lived here in 2012 and I was like, ooh. 2012 was good for us too. We were doing well, I think. Obama's another one. We had Stephen Harper. Who's she? Stephen Harper was like our conservative prime minister. And he And is conservative bad up there or is it? Conservatives there are kind of like moderate Republicans. Okay. We don't have those anymore.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, they're kind of like they're like there's some like right-wing things, but they're like okay with the gays. Okay. Yeah. Are you gay?

SPEAKER_06

Yeah. Oh. As a stand-up, do you think your work has benefited or hurt society at large? I think it has done both.

SPEAKER_05

I think it has pushed the needle forward in a lot of ways. Two steps forward, one step back. But I also think Yes, basically. Where people are like, oh, I don't know about that.

SPEAKER_06

They're like, oh, we gave them rights. Look what they did with it. Because you're you're you're an angel on stage. Talk about your identity. Yeah. You've been on the Just For Laughs platform, broadcast to millions. Yes. Dancing around, putting a translator out. I met her once. I met her too. I have a photo with her. Stop.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

I didn't get that. Did you ask for it or was it? No, she she I had done the gala and I did really well.

SPEAKER_04

And then we were at the after party, and she was like, You, come here.

SPEAKER_05

And then she was like, That was amazing. Oh. You know what I liked about that? You were being you. And then she was, and I was like, Can I take a photo? And she's like, Of course. Do you feel like you were? I'll take it.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah, it was. I had so much fun. When are you not you? Um, when I'm anxious, when I'm really anxious. That was the first time I ever cried after a set. Because it was overwhelming.

SPEAKER_04

It was just like they asked me, like, oh, like, what do you what would this mean to your grandmother?

SPEAKER_06

And then I was just like, oh my god, I never thought about that. They're asking questions during your stage.

SPEAKER_04

They were asking after, after, like on stage. They kind of had like a reaction. No, like they I went backstage and they're like, how do you feel? Like, what would they? They had like I guess they had like a story producer, and they were like, what would this mean for you for like your grandmother? Because she came here from Canada. She came here from Trinidad. Like, what does this mean to have her grandson be on like Canada's biggest stage?

SPEAKER_06

They were coercing tears out of it. Yeah, and then I was just like, I never thought about that. Brandon, Brandon, your grandma's dying, and she just watched this set when they're with her final moments. Basically, final brand.

SPEAKER_04

And then I cried in my dressing room. Aww.

SPEAKER_05

But I was like proud tears. And I think I cried. I think I called Hodo and I cried. And then I sent my friend Ben Sosa Wright uh a um voice note of me crying.

SPEAKER_06

You send voice Aww. Everything was great. Sending a voice note of yourself crying. Well, I was I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed. That's a sin. I was overwhelmed. I was like, my life will change forever. It didn't. I feel like you never know when it does. No, it doesn't. The moments when it does, you don't notice. The big moments, what is it? Good things take time, great things happen all at once.

SPEAKER_08

Yeah. I think Spider-Man said that.

SPEAKER_05

Okay. I love her.

SPEAKER_06

How do you want to be remembered? How do you think you'll be remembered on Earth? Everyone's on Earth now. I'll be like, Brandon, Brandon. I think everyone will remember me. No, I think everyone would be actually so sad. What a yeah. I think everyone would be really sad. The Canadian television programs are going up to everyone right now. Brandon's dead. Brandon died. I would be in the Canadian screen. There's the CSA as this version of our Emmys and Oscars. And they have an in memoriam, and I would probably be in the in memoriam. Will you get claps? Yeah, I think so. That? Or will you share the screen with like four other people?

SPEAKER_04

I would send it with I would share with a bunch of people, but they would like I want my own card.

SPEAKER_06

Okay. You want a name, applause, break. You want like a tribute? Yes. And I want what are we singing? I want Babs to come out and sing when I go. I want you to come out and sing. I'll do it. I'll sing the way we were. How does that go?

SPEAKER_05

Memories. Like the corners of my mind.

SPEAKER_06

That's Kat's memory. No. Misty watercolored memory. Have you seen Kat's The Jellico Ball? No, I haven't. I just got here. I haven't been to New York in like three or four years. I'm referring to the have in that version. We've had that in half. Who's in that? Um we've got Tina Turner. Grizzabella Tina Turner is Grizzabella. Okay. And um Skibbity Skanks is played by William Howard Taft. I miss her. One of our presidents. Okay. And then the Rumtum Tugger is none of Heath Ledger is the Rumtum Tugger. Okay, that's that's good. It's good casting. Great casting. Brandon, I have some moral dilemmas for you. Viewers at home, feel free to email in your moral dilemmas or ethical quandaries that you're struggling with. Maybe we'll deal with them on the program. But today, Brandon, here's the situation. You've got a box, you bring a box of baked goods to a party. They go relatively untouched. As you leave, they're eyeing you. Do you take them with you or leave them as a gift to the host?

SPEAKER_04

I think I would ask. I would be like, are y'all gonna eat this? To the host? Yeah, I would ask them like are you gonna actually gonna eat this? Because I was like, I could just give this to people. Well, because my thing, I have like an anxiety about wasting food. Okay. That is like how you're raised as a crew. Person alert. Good person alert. I would ask them, like, are you actually gonna eat these? Or like I would be like, How about I give you, if you're not gonna eat them, or if you just want one or two, I'll give you one or two, and then I'll give them to other people that'll actually eat it.

SPEAKER_06

This anxiety is actually bad because you are some of the worst people in the world. Me. I have a friend who came over on New Year's, we were making dinner for everyone, and she made me take spinach and pick off every stem individually. I wasn't allowed to just line them up a little and do a big chop. She needed every little bit of spinach to make it into the dish because we weren't wasting food. Oh. Because she worked at the World Food Program. Oh, I don't do that. Food is important, apparently. I'm not doing all of that. I'm just saying if I baked something. If I bake something. Oh, wait, you baked these goods? Yeah, I thought that's what you meant. I mean, I was assuming you bought them at a party. I would have baked them. Like if I baked them. If I made something. Are you a baker? Yeah, I can I can cook. Oh, okay. I can cook. Huh, that's funny. Just checking.

SPEAKER_04

Well, I'm just checking. I'm not I don't live here. What am I supposed to do?

SPEAKER_06

Cook in the cook here? We have a kitchen.

SPEAKER_05

Okay.

SPEAKER_06

We I mean Well, well, while I was dying, I was supposed to cook something for you. Listen. Is that not enough? Maybe. Discuss. The metaphysical reality of our current environment is not entirely sure. So yeah, that's I would think that's actually good. You'd keep them. Okay. Do you know the trolley problem? This is a classic. No, I don't know what that is. There is a train track and it's headed towards five people. It's gonna run over five people and kill them. And then there's a button, a lever that pushes it towards another train track that only has one person on it. Yeah. So you can either do nothing, five people die, pull it, one person dies. Yeah. What do you do?

SPEAKER_05

What?

SPEAKER_07

Repeat that? I don't want to.

SPEAKER_05

Wait, how many? What?

SPEAKER_06

This is all math. Do you do nothing and five people die? Or do something and one person dies because of your actions? Oh fuck.

SPEAKER_05

I don't know. That's scary.

SPEAKER_06

Don't start crying. No. I think I would if I was the one person. Your entire family is tied to a track. Come on, cry, Brandon.

SPEAKER_08

Give me those tears.

SPEAKER_06

Okay, let them.

SPEAKER_05

I don't know.

SPEAKER_06

You're supposed to pull it and kill the one. You have guilt on your hands forever. Yeah, I guess I would have to kill the one. The one is you. Yeah, then even more so.

SPEAKER_02

You would sacrifice yourself for others.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah. That feels right and good, but I think we've talked about your people-pleasing tendencies, and I think that's a flaw, actually. Well, you know. You gotta stand up for yourself. I had a good run. I've thought of jumping in front of a bullet just because I'll be remembered very well.

SPEAKER_08

Like, oh, Brandon sacrificed himself.

SPEAKER_06

I don't know if I could be fast enough. Yeah. That's what I was hinting at. Wait, gunman! Give me a second. One, two, three. I think I would like gra lay on top of whoever was the main target. Yeah. Because no one would ever target me. Do you have any enemies on earth? I'm sure. Probably. Names? Addresses? I don't know. She doesn't know. And another mortal quandary. This is it's just what's here. It's it's God's form. It's not me. If you were an angel in heaven deciding who gets in or not, what's the one question you would ask them? And this might seem like I'm outsourcing my job and responsibilities to you. What is the one question I would ask them? Yes. To decide if they get belong in heaven or not.

SPEAKER_05

Did you do that?

SPEAKER_03

Are you good? You are good.

SPEAKER_06

Is there any evil in there? Not really. I feel like you're pure good. I think you know you you figured you knew this a long time ago. I could just get reminded of it. Yeah. Because I have a little I'm like three percent evil. I asked a friend what percentage evil they were, and they said 50%. And I was like, I need to check your bag for bombs. 50% evil. Yeah. What percentage evil are you?

SPEAKER_05

I don't know. Maybe like 2%.

SPEAKER_06

I feel like sometimes I have a lot.

SPEAKER_05

I feel like sometimes I get um anxious or whatever, and that's where the evilness comes from. But it's just from that. But then I feel so bad after, and then I try to like do everything in my power to like make up for it.

SPEAKER_06

Well, we're getting into your confessions now. All the sins that you did on our timing. We've all done things wrong. But first, an ad from our sponsors who don't yet exist. But one day they will. One day, one day we'll be getting millions of dollars from Thayer coffee shop around the corner. Thank you, Thayer. Love it. Brandon. Confession time. We've all done bad things. I have a list actually of everything you've done wrong here. I haven't had time to go through it. It's sort of it's like the Epstein files, but it's the Brandon Ash Mohammed files. And we have everything. I just can't. But if you confess to it before I get to it, it hurts less. So it helps to get it off. If you get in front of stuff, we can affect the narrative, and I can, you know, make sure God takes good care of you. Okay. So maybe lying. Is there any lying in your have you been a liar? Are you big old liar? Little white. Little big big lies. Big little lies. Pretty little liars.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah, probably. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah. Uh-huh. Um, it's l this is less of a yes or no question and more of a tell me a story. Tell me a specific story. You're yeah. I'm trying to do that. Tell me a story where you uh really rose to the occasion and lied. And lied. Hmm. Okay. So in grade three, I had this teacher that I hated. Is that like our grade three or it's some weird grade?

SPEAKER_04

No, we because you say you say third grade, we say grade three. Oh, that's right. That's the same thing. Okay, gotcha. Um wait, what high what grade do y'all finish high school at? 12. Okay, we have 12. But then sometimes we used to have a 13, but that's stuff before I. No, because they go to something called SIGIP. Excuse me. In Quebec, in Quebec. I thought you were talking about the Quebec, sorry. Sigit? I'm always Quebec. Okay, yeah. They do like another program that's like between um university or between high school and university.

SPEAKER_06

So you're in grade three. So I'm in grade three. Um can I guess? What? I think someone is gonna like have poop on their pants. No. And you're gonna lie. No. Um or someone's gonna wear something weird. No, in grade three, I had this awful teacher. Um she told me that I would never be successful. She told me I would never be anything.

SPEAKER_05

Name. Um what is what is her name? Oh wow, you've smoked car or whatever.

SPEAKER_04

Who ha?

SPEAKER_05

Miss Kookar. I don't know if she's still alive, but you know.

SPEAKER_04

Well girl, we wish you well wherever you are. Yeah. You might be hope you learn your lesson. We might have gone to the other side by now.

SPEAKER_02

Miss Kookar.

SPEAKER_04

Yes, but what happened was You're sorry, was she was mean, and I was like, she wasn't a away that she was away that day.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

And we had like this, these we had to do math as we had a supply teacher, and she had a calculator on her desk. So I took it, and then I was doing using it, and then I just like left it in my desk, and um, she took it the next day, or then she saw that I stole it the next day, and then she was like, You stole my my um calculator. And then I was like, No, I didn't. How dare you accuse me of that? I don't know how that got there. And then I told my mom that she got in trouble, but she was also already rude, so she got in trouble.

SPEAKER_06

It was just sitting on the top of your desk, and she's like, You stole my calculator. No, it was in my it was in my in my desk. What a bat oh. Yeah. So you stole and lied about steel. Yeah, but you know, she had it coming. Are you allowed to use it? Why? Because she told you you wouldn't be successful? Because she was rude and like there was already like documentation of her being crazy. Like there had already been several reports like when I would come home like late.

SPEAKER_04

Like, yeah, when I would come home, when I would come to the class late, she'd be like, if your parents went to if your parents went to work late, they would lose their job or whatever. Oh my god. And then she told my mom that she just thought I was like staying up all night and playing video games or something like that.

SPEAKER_05

And then mom was like, No, he has really bad ADHD and his medication um makes him not go to sleep, and that's why he has like bags under his eyes or something. I can't remember.

SPEAKER_06

Aww. Wait, that's really cruel to be a third-grade teacher. Yeah. I didn't encounter that type of evil till eighth grade when a lady uh gave me a zero on an assignment because I traced a picture. She gave out tracing paper. This was, I don't know, you had to read a book and do all these weird little tricks and stuff. You couldn't just read a book, and we had to like make a picture from the book, and I traced it using the tracing paper, and she was like, Zero. And so my mom called the school, and the principal was like, Zach deserves a second chance. Yeah. Never gotten a zero in my life. Yeah. Straight A student. Damn. You don't come for the king.

SPEAKER_05

Damn.

SPEAKER_06

The queen stays queen. Damn. You were you have ADHD. Yeah. And you're medicated. Sometimes. Don't you have a stand-up bit about being tested? No, those are for autism. Oh, okay. Yeah. Damn, that makes my laugh seem kind of cruel. Yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_08

Did you get tested for being a girl too or something?

SPEAKER_06

Yes, they they were testing me for um yeah. Oh my god, that's a whole other story. Yeah. That's a whole other story. We'll link it below. That's a whole other story. I mean, it could help you get them to heaven.

SPEAKER_07

Could be pretty sympathetic.

SPEAKER_06

Idolatry. You got any idols worshiping false idols? Ooh, so it does have to be a bad person, like uh just not God. Oh, I love Madonna. Oh, okay. Oh, uh, like the Mother Mary, right? No. No, Madonna Chocone. Madonna Louise Veronica Chacone. She's releasing, isn't she doing like a virgin too? No, it's 20 years old. She's on a dance floor too. Okay. Like a Virgin is now 42 years old. So she looks great. Yeah. She got that one they're all doing. She's like 60 something now. Madonna's your idol. I love her. That's you're young for that too. I love her. I know. I've always I was always mine. Yeah, I've I've always been drawn to her. Well, I don't know. I just liked her. I was like, ooh, what is this music? I was an evoking. I don't know what it was. I just liked it. Huh. Oh. Yeah. You believe in the existence of a soul. Yeah. That's good. Um murder. Have I ever committed murder? No. In reality or even in your heart? Um I've thought about it, but like, I could never do it. That's the same as doing it. Yeah. Thinking about it. Okay. Sorry. Adultery? Adultery, no. No adultery. No. Never unfaithful. Nope. I have the urge to sing. Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful. Oh, I do love singing that song all the time. And it who is that? That's Rihanna. I can hear him crying. It is Rihanna. It's Rihanna. That's like I think that's Good Girl Combat. No, she's from Barbados. Oh, okay. I'm Trinidadian. Although Barbados and Trinidad are close. Okay. How close? They're like a it's like a half an hour, 45-minute plane. Okay. I can't get canceled over a half-hour plane ride.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

They have very good food. I like it. I love Bajan. Trinidad? Trinidad, but also the Bajan people. Bayesian? That's what they call them. Barbados plus. No, Barbados. People from well, Trin Trinidadians are called Trinobagonian because Trinidad and Tobago. Oh. Trinobagonian. That's a great word. Yeah. And then Trinobagogian. People from Barbados are called Bajan because in the Barbadian accent, they say Barbasian. Yeah. Barbadi, like their accent. So that's why they just called them Bajan. I see. Yeah. I'm glad I have this full get up so I can be just the whitest, whitest person. I was like, you should know that.

SPEAKER_04

Aren't you an angel? Yeah. Damn. I don't know. Western geography program is really bad. You know West Indian people?

SPEAKER_06

I mean, we have different offices across the country. I get a lot of New Yorkers up here. Okay, so heaven is a country. And then Well, we're kind of like I'm I'm sort of like immigration. Is it like DC or is it like Disney? Vatican City. Like it's a district. It's kind of like Vatican City. Yeah. Some people have said I'm like the ice of heaven, and I didn't really like that comparison. Have you ever coveted your neighbor's wife or husband? Yeah, probably. You so casually say that. One of the big ten. Yeah. What's wrong with that? One of the big sins. What's wrong with that? It's a sin. Oh well. You're supposed to be happy with what you got. I'm guilty. Professional jealousy? Yeah, probably. Yeah. I don't like these probably. Yeah. Who hasn't? You're so lovable. Who hasn't? You're so lovable. Who hasn't? What was the last thing you were really jealous of? What was it? What was the last thing I was really jealous of?

SPEAKER_05

Hmm. I don't know. Someone won something. Won.

SPEAKER_06

Someone won something. Got lots of awards. Yeah. When are you coming to the US? I'm here right now. Where I was. Or Heaven US, yeah. Yeah. I mean I'm here right now. Heavens in the United States. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

Okay, of course.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah. All right. Your funeral's happening right now. Uh-huh. On Earth. And we've clicked in to funeral, and we actually who oh, who is that? It's your good friend Alistair Ogden. Alistair. Alistair. Yeah. Ogden, sorry. Uh we pronounce it Alistair. Alistair. Alistair here. Oh my god. And we've got his testimony and we can hear it now.

SPEAKER_00

Okay, first of all, I hope Brandon stays on Earth for a long, long time, but um he definitely deserves to be in heaven. I think mostly for heaven's benefit, you know? Like heaven would be a better, more fun place if Brandon was there. They're probably just kind of like bored and no one's really laughing that much, and no one's doing karaoke, and then when Brandon shows up, all of that is gonna change. He's gonna be doing karaoke with Jesus and I don't know, Tina Turner. Uh yeah. No, it um but then also because he's a sweetheart and a good friend, and he um he kind of took me under his wing when when I first was even just visiting Toronto, thinking about moving, he took me to uh iconic jerk chicken location in Toronto called Jerk King with our uh our friend Gavin Pound and We just bonded, and now we've gone out for so many meals. He took me out for my birthday the first year that I was living here, and I didn't know that many people. So yeah, I love Brandon a lot, and I think Heaven would love him too. I hope that helps.

SPEAKER_06

Kind of a rambly eulogy. Oh, so you deserve to get into heaven because you took him to dinner.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. I'm making I I'm very good at making people feel included.

SPEAKER_06

Aww.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

I feel like I always like to include people. What the restaurant was called jerk king? It's like I don't know how to describe it, but I mean, is it being is it being funny? No, it's like he's the jerk. Jerking. Not jerking. Jerking. He's the jerk king.

SPEAKER_08

Hey, on a restaurant called masturbation.

SPEAKER_06

No, no. But there's a blank in it. Master you came in there, they would beat your ass. I'm vegetarian. So you eat chicken. Well, a lot of Rastafarians are vegetarian. They're Jamaican. So there are vegetarian options there. That's good. But you didn't know that. But you're not going there. I assumed there are vegetarian options in Canada. No, I mean with Jurking, yeah. Oh, and jerk king. Yeah. Fake chicken. No, they don't have that. They have they have like curry, curry vegetables and stuff like that. Okay. Potatoes, you know. Okay.

SPEAKER_05

Yes.

SPEAKER_06

I love the Tina Turner name drop. Yeah. Uh I think that's two mentions today. Miss Tina.

SPEAKER_05

I love her.

SPEAKER_06

And you love, uh it seems like you love karaoke. Yeah. That's really bad. No, we hate karaoke up here.

SPEAKER_05

Well, you can't sing.

SPEAKER_06

Karaoke. No, I have ears, is why I hate it.

SPEAKER_05

Okay.

SPEAKER_06

I haven't heard me sing. Who has looked at a group of drunk, obnoxious people and said, Oh, these people need a microphone? Well, the thing is with karaoke, most people don't want to sing. And I'm like, why are we paying all this money to sit in this room and sing?

SPEAKER_05

And so you take the mic. And I'm just like, I'm in the fucking control of the everything.

SPEAKER_06

What's your go-to song? I don't have a go-to song. I'm always trying to figure out the whole thing. I'm trying to fix the vibe. I'm trying to like your energy guy. I basically karaoke DJ. I'm hosting. I am coming in to destroy the vibe. Yeah. My go-tos torn Natalie and Bruglio with performance. I end up naked on the floor by the end of it, torn and broken. Or where were you when the world stop turning? Alan Jackson. Oh, awesome. It's his 9-11 song. I don't know that song. Where were you when the world stop turning? Where were you? On that September day. Brings the room down. But no one can stop me.

SPEAKER_04

You have to with Carrie the key is like songs people will know. Yeah. Like anytime you try to do like a cut song nobody knows, people will kind of just like get bored. But then as soon as you put a song, everyone knows. Everyone's like, oh my god, people go for fun, I go for the ballad.

SPEAKER_06

I'm always just like, I'll move them with this song, and then people don't care. I also discovered after a wedding karaoke happened, and I sang Nickelback's photograph. Not once, not twice, not three times, but four times in a row. It was late in the night. And that song changes its meaning the fourth time. You really feel it. Yes. You love Canada, huh?

SPEAKER_08

How do you feel? How do you feel about our interior design? I like you.

SPEAKER_06

Notice you're appreciating the clouds.

SPEAKER_08

You fit in nice here.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah. You guys got cotton. It's really soft. It's weird. It's weird. Why are you picking at it? It's so weird. I didn't say it. You said it.

SPEAKER_02

I done one other verb.

SPEAKER_06

That's sort of okay. Glad I'm already in heaven. Well, I guess I'm automatically in heaven now. Yeah. White guilt gets a lot of people to heaven quick.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

This is the first episode we've had it. Yeah. Hmm. It came from an Amazon. It was amazing how small it was. It came from this Amazon package. Sorry, we get Amazon up here in heaven. And it just exploded and went everywhere. Welcome to the Lightning Round. Okay. Now it's your job to send things to heaven or hell. Okay. Are you ready? Yeah. Okay. Coachella. I'll send it to hell. Correct. Justin Bieber's laptop performance at Coachella.

SPEAKER_04

He did a laptop performance?

SPEAKER_06

Yeah, he played videos of it from his childhood and sang along with it. I'm going to put that in heaven. It does belong in heaven. I feel like he has very nostalgic and full circle.

SPEAKER_05

You know?

SPEAKER_06

Mayonnaise.

SPEAKER_05

It depends on which one.

SPEAKER_06

Incorrect. Always heaven. Mustard. Um, I'm gonna say heaven. I like mustard. Uh we'll let it slide, correct. Ketchup. I love ketchup. We all agree. In gradients love ketchup, yeah. Heaven, right? Yeah. Do y'all have brown sauce, or is that Scotland? What's brown sauce? Y'all love mayonnaise. Brown sauce is up. Okay. On your fries. And you put gravy on the fries. We sometimes we we put ketchup on poutine and stuff. We also have ketchup. Late stage capitalism. Hell. Has to be. Men. Men, hell. I know. We love them, but we hate them. The long form, improv form, the herald. Oh hell. Yes. Let's sweep that. The bears. Heaven. Heaven. Correct. The gay the gay male category bears. Like bears people. People that are bears. Purgatory. Oh, correct. White Lotus season 94. Hell. Hell. Too many seasons. Your good friend Zach Zimmerman.

SPEAKER_05

Hmm.

SPEAKER_06

Hmm. Hell. Correct. But I don't like how little how long it took you to come there.

SPEAKER_05

I don't know. I was deciding.

SPEAKER_06

Anything you want to change?

SPEAKER_05

No.

SPEAKER_06

Alright. This is all good data. One of the most important things we've been doing at Here Heaven, we're trying to figure out we we don't have a lot of good hangs. Yeah. People, we've been letting people in her like goody two shoes and prudes and do anything by the book. But we really want some good hangs. So this next segment is called Good Hang. And loosen those vocal cords. Get them ready. Get ready to sing. Yes. We're just gonna see.

SPEAKER_08

We're we're we're three we're three beers in.

SPEAKER_06

We're sitting by the bay. We're sitting by the river. We're just hanging out. What's up, Brandon? Hey. How are you, King? I'm great. I love heaven. Stop. The weather. Oh my gosh. It was a little warm today. 86 here in heaven.

SPEAKER_04

This is so relaxing.

SPEAKER_06

Yes. Yes. I don't I sweat a lot though. Oh, I know, but luckily there's cotton everywhere. It's clouds. They're called clouds.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

How um do you have you made any beautiful friends here in heaven? You know, I have. That's so great. You really bring people together. Me and Tina Turner. We've we have just there's Amy Winehouse right there. Amy! Yes. That's actually Luther Vandross. The Tina you've been talking to is a Tina Turner impersonator. Well, we have a lot of those here as well. Yeah, well, that's good to know. That's what people don't under they underestimate about heaven. Uh-huh. There's a lot. The people that look like the celebrity impersonators also get in. Yes. And so we spend most of our time here figuring out who is and isn't. We have the Duchess Anastasia of the royal Romanoff family. Romanoff. She's here. Yes. I love her. One step at a time. She's fun. She's a good hand. One foot. She's crazy. She's crazy. That Lockett. That Lockett. And Dimitri's here, her one true love. Artoff. Okay, yes. Is that his name? I don't know. That weird bat.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, yes. I forgot about him.

SPEAKER_06

I used to have him as a toy. From Burger King?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I think so.

SPEAKER_06

Y'all got that up there. Yeah, we got most things. What do you what do you wish Canada had? Um. And besides uh Fascist Solution. A better entertainment system. So we won't have to come here. T. Yeah. This just got here. T. Like last week. Slang. Clock it. Oh, what was that? Clock it. I didn't know you did that. Clock it. Wait, the middle finger's doing something? Clock it. Or clock it. I don't know which one it is. This was the wolf pack when I was growing up. Okay, I don't know what that is. This was a wrestling thing. Oh, okay. Restling. Rastling and his grandma. Rastling. And then there was this. Do you smell what the suck it? Hell. How do you feel our how do you feel like our hang went? I think it was fun. Yeah. Yeah. Hang vibes are good. Yeah. Anastasia had such a great time. It felt like Anastasia was more the good hang than you. I think I was an excellent hang. I think you belong in heaven more than I do. Yeah, 100%. Which is kind of 100%. What can you teach me?

SPEAKER_05

I don't know how to be respectful. Flip the script. How to be nice. How to not make it about Zack Zimmerman.

SPEAKER_08

Is that what I've been doing?

SPEAKER_05

You've been trying.

SPEAKER_08

Make it today about me?

SPEAKER_05

Oh my god, you didn't even put the hyphen in my name.

SPEAKER_06

Well, it's just a ref How dare you. I had the thought the other day, you know, multi-hyphenates or whatever. You know what a hyphen is? It's also a subtraction sign. Ooh. So we need to focus on growth. Those are previous episodes. Previous episodes. Don't dive too deep. Do I belong in heaven? I don't know. I think you could with some work. You think I need to work? I think so. Remember when we were on tour together and I was broken?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, and remember.

SPEAKER_06

And then you left abruptly. Broken as a person. Abruptly.

SPEAKER_05

And I was like, girl, I came here to see you.

SPEAKER_06

I don't know. And you ran for your life. I can't handle the emotional intensity of dating women anymore. America was too much. I returned to women and it shattered my soul. Yeah. I got my heart smashed into a million pieces. Twice in one year. Yeah. And you were that you had to pick up the pieces. I know. We went to a sushi place, do you remember in Vancouver? And I took a Vancouver, I think it was in Seattle. Maybe it was Seattle. Yeah, it wasn't Seattle, yeah. And I took an edible and I got so high and felt so weird at dinner. I was like, Then you were arguing with being weird. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

I was like, no, I don't do those things. Although I remember I did take that edible in Portland, and then I was so high, and I was just like, I feel like I'm I'm screwing up my life. I feel like I don't remember that. No, I think you had left at this point.

SPEAKER_06

And you weren't there to help me. I did. I was just crying. I did run away. Yeah. Well, because I love Portland. Yeah, you can't do it. You ran for your life. I had the but I I ended up getting having a fun time eventually.

SPEAKER_08

Didn't you meet a somebody from the audience or something? Took you somewhere.

SPEAKER_04

No, I I my friends was doing a show there at the by my oh, I saw Larry Owens.

SPEAKER_06

Larry. And I haven't seen Larry since was in Portland? 2018, yeah, because he was doing a play there.

SPEAKER_05

What play? Um, I can't remember what it was called. But it was fun. I liked it.

SPEAKER_06

I want to go back. Yeah. The food was incredible. It was.

SPEAKER_05

I liked all the vegetarian food, yeah. We had a fantastic show.

SPEAKER_06

I'm sorry I abandoned you. You abandoned me. You were there for me, though. I was there, and then you left, and then I was just there by myself. Why did I leave? Because you were like, I have to go. I can't do this. It just I couldn't be on the I needed to be with my support system. Yeah, you were like, this this girl or something. I have to do it. It was a girl. And I was just like, Well, I I thought I was going back to someone who would make me feel good. Turns out just I got dumb.

SPEAKER_04

You can't let these people play with you.

SPEAKER_06

But I remember I told you that from the beginning. I said, It's a baby. Well, you saw yourself in it. You gotta run. We're both lover boys. Lover boys. And people take advantage of that.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

I'm a hugger, not a slugger. A hug, okay. I'm a I'm a kisser, not a pisser. Okay. I'm a holder, not a boulder. Okay. I'm uh angel, not a nothing rhymes with angel. Angel, not a c angel. I don't know. I don't know what that is. How old are you? None of your business. Clocked it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

You'll never know.

SPEAKER_06

Never.

SPEAKER_05

You'll never know.

SPEAKER_06

Anything else we want to get off your chest before I send this off to God? No, I think I think we had a good talk. Are you ending your interview? No. This ends when I say it. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04

I I've I didn't know what I was doing. I th I We got three more hours.

SPEAKER_06

You asked if I was fine with my application. I was like, if there's anything you want more you want to ask me, I'm down. Do you have any questions for us? What can heaven do for me? Oh, ask not what heaven can do for you. Ask what you can do for heaven. Yeah, but I I think I've already shown what I can do for you. Heaven is sort of like a senior living facility. We've got lots of games. You stay enriched, you're gonna grow, plenty of time to learn, great community. Um yeah, it's kind of like utopia. Okay. All your needs are met, you your body kind of dissolves and you become one with everyone.

SPEAKER_08

Okay, which is awkward at first.

SPEAKER_06

But yeah. Oh, there's no sex up here. Okay. Oh, okay. So get that out of your system. Horndog. Yeah. Slut. No slut's in heaven.

SPEAKER_08

Final question. Yeah. Your Scrooge moment. Do you have a Christmas Carol in Canada?

SPEAKER_04

Probably. I think that there Charles Dickens. There's a story. There's like a Christmas story. And it's about this like kid who he wants this like jersey, Toronto, like I can't remember. He wants like a hockey jersey. And then he doesn't get the one that he wants, and then he goes and then the moths eat it or something.

SPEAKER_06

That's your big moral story. That's like the big like moral stuff. No, I can't. It can be a nightmare during the holidays.

SPEAKER_04

The holidays I I either am like very happy. It depends on how I feel during my life. So sometimes I can be so bad.

SPEAKER_06

Oh, the confessions are coming out.

SPEAKER_04

And I was just like, yeah, like, oh, I don't know. Like, if you get me like a gift and I don't like it, like I can be really mean. Or I can just be like, I don't like this.

SPEAKER_06

Or like, what is this? Why did you get me this? Oh, she's honest. Yeah. I was, I don't know. It's it's a hard time for me. But your Canadian Christmas carol is about a kid getting a hockey jersey. Getting like a hockey jersey and then it gets eaten by moth. Bucket of maple syrup. I don't know about that, but it's it's like it's it's French Canadian, it's like Quebec.

SPEAKER_05

I can't remember what it is. Do we have a Canadian Christmas song? I can't remember. I'm sure we do.

SPEAKER_06

But the Christmas carol is Ebenezer Scrooge visited by three ghosts, and he thinks he's dead in the final one.

SPEAKER_04

We have like that. There was like a k a movie crowd, but it was like stop motion.

SPEAKER_06

If you were him and you get sent back to Earth now, what's the one thing you would do? How would you live differently? I think I would try to be more compassionate and more patient.

SPEAKER_04

You're already pretty compassionate and patient. I know, but I would be even more so. And if I was feeling crazy or reactive, I would I would take a step back.

SPEAKER_08

Do you take anything for your anxiety?

SPEAKER_06

No. You know, they got pills for that. I know. Heaven is kind of their one big pill when you get here. Takes care of everything. That's good to know.

SPEAKER_07

A little Lexapro?

unknown

Oh.

SPEAKER_07

10 milligrams. I don't know. 15 milligrams? Maybe I'll try. Let's talk while you're here. Yeah, we'll figure it out.

SPEAKER_08

Alright, I'm filing my report with God.

SPEAKER_05

Yay!

SPEAKER_06

He's sometimes fat. Sometimes he's fast, sometimes he's slow. He sees you when you're sleeping. Anything you want to plug? Is there anything coming up? Should you know if you want to plug it up? When does this come out? Uh kind of depends on things. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Thank you, God. Oh my god. Boomerang. Yeah. Do we have liability insurance? Who would it be? Our we're about to find out how wealthy our producer is. What do I want to plug? Watch He Did Rivalry. If you haven't watched it already. I can't believe I'm waiting till the buzz dies down, till all the hype dies down, so I can really appreciate it as a piece of art in 10 years. I'm watching Westworld right now. It came out 10 years ago. Fun.

SPEAKER_02

You're in it.

SPEAKER_06

Yes. Like a named character? Yes, Sean. Do you have an arc? I don't have an arc. I'm part of someone else's arc.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

Not the main character. No. Supporting character. I'm a supporting character. Multiple episodes?

SPEAKER_04

I'm technically into episodes, yeah.

SPEAKER_06

Did you know it would blow up like this? Nope. Do you get paid extra because HBO bought it? I don't think so. No. I don't think so. I don't know how it works. That's lame. Or not lame. Bad. I don't know how it works. It looks like, Brandon, to no one's surprise at all, you're welcome to heaven. Yeah. You belong here. You're like an angel. You're a good hang. The anxiety will go away once you take the new heaven pill. I knew. We can't wait to get you singing and dancing. Get it. And uh you're gonna you uh you I would like to do an all-heaven version of hairspray. Who would you like to play?

SPEAKER_04

Um, I would like to play the Queen Lynch character.

SPEAKER_06

Okay. That's who I would like to play. I want to play the John Travolta. Okay, yes. I like that. Or the principal slash teacher. There's a teacher? There's always a teacher. I don't know if I remember that. I don't think I think you're thinking about something else. Thanks for tuning in to Judgment Day. I'm Zach Zimmerman. Comment below who we should kill next. Our guest today, Brandon Ash Mohammed. Check him out on socials at Brandon Ash Mohammed. At Brandon AM Comedy. Brandon A.M. Comedy, or click the links below and let us know who we should have next. And um, if you enjoyed the show, share it with a friend. If you didn't, keep that to yourself because I'm very sensitive to feedback. Thanks for tuning in, everybody. Bye.